I slept for a few minutes on the couch and woke up with the worst leg pain. I haven’t been getting enough rest lately, and it’s starting to take its toll. Without proper sleep, the body doesn’t have time to repair itself. The pain doesn’t always register right away because the stress response keeps everything running, focused on pushing through the day. But now that I’ve finally been able to rest, everything that’s been neglected is starting to catch up to me.
He broke my heart and went down a path I can’t follow. I asked him if he had to leave, and he didn’t even give it a second thought. My boyfriend hates me and essentially choked me to death—except I didn’t actually die. I died later, from heartbreak.
The morning was quiet. I woke up but received no texts from Adrian. I figured he wasn’t coming. I woke up a second time, but this time I got ready, just to satisfy the anxious feeling I got from the benefit of the doubt: what if my boyfriend actually was coming? He finally texted me midway through getting ready. I was nowhere near done. So, I made him wait. I tried waking Ria up to alert her about the situation, but she refused to wake up. I told Adrian that if he ever did decide to come over, I wouldn’t be able to entertain him because I had to study. Before that, though, I asked him for a hug or two. Those hugs lasted a long time. He was so insistent on not being a distraction because I made him promise the night before. Eventually, he pushed me away. And that was my first heartbreak of the day. I turned on my PC and started studying. He cooked breakfast for both me and Ria. The food he was making came from his dad, who had asked him to bring some for me. I thought it was so sweet. Adrian fed me my breakfast as I continued studying. It was good. Ria could vouch for that. I studied a lot more. Each time I finished a lesson, I forced Adrian to give me a kiss. It got darker outside. Ria bought us drinks from Starbucks. Then I decided to take a break. Ria and Adrian’s interactions were so cute. After a while, Adrian and I went out to buy some spicy noodles from the Korean store. We went back, prepared them, and just hung out. We had Adrian watch a bunch of animations, mostly the ones from HoneyWorks. I love it whenever he makes the effort to take an interest in the things I love. Eventually, time started going by faster. We spent the remaining time we had left in my bedroom. I begged him not to leave, but he left anyway.
A lot of things that seemed relevant while they were happening don’t feel that necessary to write about anymore. I mostly feel detached from everything. I cleaned my whole place in hopes of postponing the workload I have. I still ended up studying for the whole day. I finished a lot. The moment I regained consciousness, I saw Adrian through the other side of my screen, sleeping so soundly. It made me smile knowing I wasn’t entirely alone.
I am as busy as the roads in this city. I am somehow never running out of things to study. I wanted to attend this concert but thought about how much time I’d lose. I, under any given circumstance, will always choose to study.
Love is inconvenient at 18/19. How can it be convenient when I’m so hard to love? I feel like an empty Crayola box. How can I be a kid’s favorite when there’s nothing inside me? I don’t have much to offer, even when all I’ve been addicted to is working on myself. Everything is going dim again and I don’t like it. I get overwhelmed so easily and, as a result, I instinctively push everyone away. I’m just not enough. The potential I always swore was in me is starting to turn into nothing but a distant sight. I do wonder, if I were to ask the people who are closest to me, how long would it take for them to mention me? I know it’s self-centered, I know they do all love me (and I trust that they do), but I’ve been so alone recently that now I find myself in the most active hunt for reassurance.
More financial statements to start the day. Our first class was interesting. My friends and I had lunch at our usual place again. We talked about politics and gossip. Before finding our way back to our next class, I bought myself an Apple Pencil at the campus Apple Store. It felt sad knowing that it was only a replacement for the old one I’d lost. Nevertheless, it would be pointless to mull over something in the past. My friends also bought a few things from the booths set up around campus. I have no idea what event they were for, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. We made it just in time for our next class, only to find out we actually had a free block. We decided to use the time to work on our presentation for another class. Then, for our last class, we had another group activity. I ended up drawing for the group. Yeah, that was pretty much it. It felt weird to draw again, especially knowing others would see it too. I’ve always recognized my talent for drawing. I was a child prodigy. But damn, it felt like I was reaching back to a part of myself I’d long since moved on from.
I woke up this morning to start working on the script I left off last night, but somehow ended up falling asleep again. It’s like my brain just didn’t want to cooperate with me anymore. I spent most of the day studying, catching up on everything from yesterday. I woke up again, got back to studying, and then even found some time to cut pieces for my quilt project. I took that as a little win I had for today.
The days will come and go. Slight changes in the schedule. Variables that are out of my control. I’ll try my best with all I have in any circumstance and hope for the best. As it turns out, I’d be back at my place later than I had anticipated because of some issues with transportation. Even then, everything fell into place because I still managed to answer a bunch of old practice tests as review and had enough time to visit the mall. My mom got me this new carpet for my place! It was so pretty. I really appreciate my parents. They’ve come such a long way. I also picked up a new Kiko Milano lip liner. I hate salespeople, but I can’t blame them. They’re only doing their job. After that, we visited the main house. The one in the middle of renovation. There were dust and nails everywhere. It’s hard to picture what it’ll be, but there’s always promise in the messes. I grabbed my sewing supplies, trying to gather what little I can before leaving again. I’m going back to the city for university, and each time it feels like I’m packing up parts of myself I could never quite get back.
Eternally unaware of the calendar. Happy 6th monthsary, Adrian! Mocks are finally over. Finals are starting next week. I literally have no time for anything, but I plan on taking it easy. My little brother told me about his current situation at school. It definitely wasn’t the best. My heart breaks whenever I hear about his social life. I’m just hoping that it isn’t as bad as how he's making it out to be.
French toast for breakfast. Had my early morning online class. Nothing much other than rest and appointments.
Today meant less than it normally would. I barely existed in anticipation of the day I get to go back home. Coincidentally, that day comes tomorrow. Ria told me that I had woken up before her. I did not. I was, in fact, fully asleep despite my movements suggesting otherwise. When I finally did wake up, I found her frantically typing. I quickly got on my feet and worked on the paper I’d been working on since last night. I continue to struggle. I was on call with Adrian too, as I do every second of my waking day. We tried asking him what we should have for breakfast, and he gave us a bunch of options. It was a list from which we did not choose from. Instead, Ria and I cooked! Ria cooked. It was actually so good too. I ran a quick errand, got a package, then worked on my paper some more before getting ready for a seminar that I had to attend. I was doing it solely for the incentives. I engaged in small talk with three complete strangers who happened to be occupying the seats next to me. They were cool. I honestly had no idea what I was even attending. They introduced this political candidate by name, and I still couldn’t care less. I slept through the entire event. I woke up and asked the dude next to me if I could leave. He told me to just wait it out since it was almost over anyway. A few more minutes of waiting, and I was off to go back home. I was set on finishing my paper. I eventually succeeded with that task, and then Ria got us some food. I was so mean to both Adrian and Ria in the meantime while I was writing my paper. They assured me that it was fine, but I was begging them for so much constructive criticism. I was able to eat at peace and conversed some more with Ria and Adrian. Ria left, and now it was just me and Adrian. I was so tired that I ended up just tossing myself on the couch and annoying Adrian for an hour straight. I had some premonitions just like Anakin did with Padme, and suddenly tears were pouring from my eyes. Adrian was breaking up with me. He told me he wasn't, and so I started crying some more. But I swear I saw the future. I tried to do a couple of practice questions for business finance before going to bed, but I was simply not having it. I slept, and Adrian was there to comfort me about all my worries.
I have three term papers due this week. I insist on writing my diary entries today anyway. I hope this week passes by quickly. I have a lot of things to do, but I trust that I'll get them done. I had my accounting quiz earlier this morning. I made this stupid mistake of manipulating the normal formula so that it could fit my reasoning for this particular problem that I for sure just overthought, but it’s okay. My grades remain high. I live and I learn. As much as I hate to say it because I used to find it so incredibly dismissive of intelligence, mistakes will only make me better. I fully recognize them and take full accountability for all I’ve done. If I do have to admit, part of me is disappointed that I still make these mistakes. The class preceding that was actually the same one with the professor I’m sure I’ve brought up in this diary at least once. I talked to her, and she indirectly gave me an insult. It was fine. I’d rather be nice. To an extent, I still don’t understand what factors could’ve led to how she turned out as a person. She gives out low grades by default, whether or not the outputs you're submitting are good or bad. Straying away from that topic, my friends and I ate lunch, then decided to stay at the nearby student lounge. I’m still not sure if I could even call it a study hall because although it has all the characteristics of one, I feel like everyone was just there to sleep. I sat by this bean bag for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew, I was passed out asleep. I liked it there, though. The lighting felt like the ones in studios, and it wasn’t harsh on the eyes. I had a bunch of conversations with Juliet after we both woke up, then called it a day. I’m now back home and will write a few more entries before fixing up and doing my school-related tasks. I ended up sleeping. Ria brought over Taiwanese food. I love having her here. She’s unofficially my official roommate. I had this group meeting that took up a significant portion of my time. Our topic was on mental health, and I was so unenthused. I talked in gibberish for the entirety of the session, but I think I still somehow managed to make it substantial enough. I love it when things are impromptu. Ria was asleep in my bed the whole time through. She woke up right when my group meeting ended. I slept some more, talked to Adrian half-asleep, then showered. Ria came back with McDonald’s for dinner. Then after a bunch of attempts at postponing our work, we finally locked in.
Would it be insensitive for me to appreciate the cruel climate? Our classes were called off since staying indoors would obviously lessen the concerns of risking our safety. I had only planned to study for the day. My accounting quiz is tomorrow, and I desperately need a 4.0.
My fingers are developing calluses from the excessive use of my calculator. I’ve had this correction tape, broken ever since I dropped it. It’s been sitting there, not entirely useless, but has been difficult to use. Today, I finally figured out what was wrong with it. Suddenly, I managed to click it back into place, and it started working the way it’s supposed to. It gave me a strange sense of happiness. I found control again, even if it was over something trivial.
I cooked breakfast and started my study session early. I also had to pick up a package. That package contained my pull-up bar. I miss the gym, but my studies have taken over. It feels like there’s nothing left of me, like I’m barely even present anymore. I’m lucky my boyfriend isn’t tired of my time being so divided.
I’m cleaning out my desk. I believe that all the clutter I produce is a reflection of my own mind. I needed a clean slate if I’d planned on studying some more for the day. I slept through all of my classes, which was an act done after carefully weighing the trade-offs. I finished a bunch of assignments for accounting and then tried to work on everything I had on my list slowly. I worked out today! Finding time for anything has been quite the struggle for me. Ria had a party, so I helped her with her hair during one of my allotted break times. I still feel so empty. I need more time alone.
Sat to study some more. Slept whenever my brain cried for it. Can the discipline I pride myself on defeat the distant burnout that has been closing in faster than I could memorize my syllabus? Today was sad. I felt alone again. Ria came over. We exchanged jokes, she went to sleep, and I continued studying.
I am an unfortunate sight. Washed my face, brushed my teeth, and started studying. I had breakfast without taking my eyes off my monitor. I snacked on string cheese while editing this group podcast we did. They’re demanding relatively outrageous things. Maybe it’s my stubbornness, but I genuinely found no wrong in the final output. Their complaint was with the pacing of my voice, but Paris Geller literally went to speech therapy to maximize her words per minute. I thought my delivery was sufficiently paced. I hate slow talkers. I have this one acquaintance who always takes forever to generate his thoughts into sentences, and he has still never failed to make me want to pull the trigger in my mouth. I am so incredibly spiteful today. I’m usually not. I am so understanding. My entire diary is a testimony to that. But university makes me feel so unappreciated. All I did besides studying was stare at the ceiling and cry today. I know it wouldn’t matter, but the best retaliation I have right now for everyone who has been getting on my nerves is that I hope you guys know you made someone cry today. I mean, that’s the best I could think of because as someone who likes to understand people and try not to be a burden about anything, hearing that would sting. I literally had one of my groupmates shoot me a private message and tell me he “wants to share my pity.” He recognized the relentless complaints and sympathized. That’s a real person right there. I hate it when I hate, but it’s the only emotion that could possibly comfort me right now. I feel so inefficient.
The voices are fading through proximity. I’m dodging people early in the morning like I’m in some kind of video game. My friends and I had our lunch at this Japanese place. It took them such a long time to serve my order. But that statement isn’t a complaint. I’m only providing context to say that my friend Jasmine waited for my food to be served before she ate hers too. I have really nice friends. We had our last class after, and it was actually kind of fun. We were tasked with doing this group activity of making a bunch of paperclip scholars. It was pretty much just a bunch of paperclips latched onto one another. Our group had a horrible start, but in the end, we turned out to be the most improved. We were a single paperclip scholar away from winning too. We credit that greatness to our “give me head” method. I think we were the group who had the most fun, considering we had the most random personalities ever. Once the class ended, Juliet gave out an invite for us to hang out at her place. We all accepted, knowing that we still had this other project to film anyway. We walked a couple of blocks and eventually got to her dorm room. She gave us a tour and was very accommodating. We had this little moment at her balcony where we were all just throwing dark humor jokes at each other. We were standing at the most perfect sniping spot. A little while passed by, and then we all collectively just started working on our script. I proofread everything and made things shorter. That whole thing took such a long time. We were all passing out one by one. I think Jasmine was the only one who managed to stay up. We woke up, I reread the paper one last time, made all the necessary edits, and then we started filming.
I’ve been reviewing my accounting lessons. I'm trying my best to make proper use of my time with finals week approaching. I’m worried about failing. I also went to the gym today and ordered supplies for quilting, a hobby I’ve been eyeing for quite a while now. I hope I can allocate some time for it and cut down on my screen time with activities like this.
I smell smoke from a flame that’s long been gone. It piqued my curiosity, and I secretly followed it, but I never liked that smell of smoke, and I’m only glad that the flame died out.
Everything felt so heavy. I rotated between sleeping and studying until I had to ultimately decide not to study anymore. My body was only capable of holding up so much stress. I wish I didn’t have the receptors to feel this insistent fatigue I’ve had for almost half my life. I love studying. I love accounting too. If only my body could keep up with all my aspirations… Deep sighs. I still managed to go to the gym after all that mental exhaustion, though. I’m a very well-balanced individual.
I get exhausted whenever I think for extended periods of time. It’s all I’ve been doing these past few months. I have been so exhausted. But I find it so ironic that whenever I find the time to rest, I think about my boyfriend. It works. Everything is tiring, but not Adrian. I feel like he fused with my conscience not so long ago. I don’t think that came with the instructions of how to detach him from that part of my brain. With that, I get really sad at times. I don’t want us to be anything less than temporary. But I like to trust him. I think it must be that little him inside my head manipulating all my judgment. He promises a lot of things. It doesn’t help that I’m the most trusting (gullible) person ever. He visited me at my place again. I like the grown-out messy hair look on him a lot. He’s such a pretty dude. I would so give him my hand if he asked. I still can’t figure out what’s keeping him so intrigued with me, but I hope the day never comes when I’d be left to do nothing but watch him turn against me. Some things that I can note from my time with him today were that, one, he got me a raccoon stuffed toy. We settled on the name Ziggy! It was a combination of the gibberishly generated names we suggested back and forth. Second, we were all over each other a lot. Third, we got caught by an old friend of mine. It felt like a quick comparative checkpoint. We’ve come a long way, considering we never even spoke to each other a year ago. Then, we ate at a Japanese restaurant. That was really nice. Lastly, just a few minutes before he had to leave, I laid with him in bed and just hugged him, letting time pass by. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep during that time, in all honesty. After he left, I got unready and winded down. My mom also dropped by for a bit. She gave me food and everything. I love her so much. I wish I was a tiny bit better at showing my appreciation.
I submitted a homework late. I wish I had the capabilities to sustain my quality of health. If I did, I bet I’d finally be able to wake up early, not feel sleepy throughout the day without my body desperately trying to pay its sleep debt, and overall just not be sick as often as I do. I function so slowly. Far too slow for the plans that I expect to complete daily. I can’t even be disappointed in myself because I also understand what I’m missing. Time isn’t working in my favor either. I need a reset so badly. I want to get ahead.
Few classes. Correspondingly unproductive. I have a new favorite word: portmanteau. Noun: a word blending the sounds and combining the meanings of two others, for example, brunch (from "breakfast" and "lunch"), or a suitcase that opens into halves. Either way, it’s cool in definition. I am content with life right now. I took lots of naps and felt like I was running on battery-saving mode, but I was determined to get things done even though I only started working after the sun had set. I’m reading a bunch of articles again. I went on a video call with Adrian, which is a first in a while. We actually talked without interruptions and such.
Holding a burning coal on the coldest night, I failed to notice how it burned and scalded. It was good until it wasn’t. My talk with Sirko yesterday might have just put things into a better perspective. I’ve failed to notice how much I’ve lost myself. I don’t know what to do. Could this be cured over time?
Sort of listless this morning. I ate breakfast and got ready. I watched a couple of YouTube videos to keep me company, and that made things a lot better. So, I have this convocation I have to attend. I wore a white skirt to match accordingly with my friend group’s plan. We looked cute. I initially thought I was running late, but I actually arrived pretty early. We lined up for registration, and for the rest of the event, I was in deep slumber. We transferred locations, and I actually listened for a while until they started going a little over the schedule. I just wanted to leave and go home. My friend gave us a snack from her province before we all parted ways. I then met up with Tony, who studies at the same university I do. It's strange that we still haven't run into each other. He was at the library, and we chatted for a bit. I went home, ate a bit, and settled down. Not long after, I made the decision to go to the gym again. I hadn’t in a while. I fear I’ve lost all my gains. I had a very productive session in a desperate attempt to get back in shape. I’m only semi-stressing about it because this time of the year is designated for winter arcs anyway.
10th week at the university. My schedule remains impossible to retain. I found out that my first class started at 7:30, and that little news made me so happy. I took my time getting ready. I only had two classes, both of which I had been nervous to attend for the whole week. I confronted my first teacher about the email I sent her a week ago that she completely ignored, and she responded pretty nicely. I also confirmed that I was not infact falling behind in my accounting class. That felt nice. I ate with my friends at this ramen bar where we chose our own packs and made our own meals. I was the only one who made and ate my ramen conventionally. It was a fun experience. I went back home. I have been so ignorant of my social connection status. I am likable enough that I share no conflict with anyone, but I’ve also never been the most open. I’ve left all my vulnerabilities on reserve, strictly for a handpicked few. Sirko is at the top of that list. We finally had our overdue call after months of not having any conversation longer than 5 minutes. It was such a relief talking to her. I have been keeping everything to myself. I was aware of how people could only ruin things if they knew about it, but it’s just really different with Sirko. I’ve been so good at being self-reliant that I think I had forgotten what it was like to share problems with someone. We told the craziest stories and just caught up. We’re both changing, and although I’m no longer witnessing her growth firsthand, I’m glad to still be there during her whole progress. We were so cute. Also, I’ve concluded that we are both still incredibly scarred from some past experiences and have become what we feared the most. I called with Adrian too, then took the longest nap after. I love being able to rest.
My lack of sleep is constraining my perception of time. I arrived from the airport very early in the morning - though it hardly seemed like it. I went straight to the city and had my first class. Being a person who has been touched by the gods, I was lucky enough that my professor decided to hold my morning class online. She taught some more math concepts and formulas poorly. I figured things out myself with my very exhausted gears. I took a shower and got ready to go to university shortly after. I honestly forgot that I was even tired. I attended my classes and was in this weird state of panic. I cried during one of my classes because anxiety was eating me up. It was for a reason, though. Juliet literally threw up. We were getting our grades, and our professor made sure to inform everyone that nobody passed. Our friend group, despite being the ones who crashed out the most, ended up with the highest grades and did more than just pass. Then I went out with my friends right after. I was tired but couldn’t say no when I received the invitation. I ate with Juliet and this other stray friend we usually adopt, and we just talked about random things. We also went to the library to “study,” but all I did was sleep, and so did Juliet. Then we had non-academic conversations, taking up the hours we were meant to spend studying. Coming back home was the greatest feeling ever. I had a nice shower, picked out a comfortable set to wear, and unpacked some toys that I bought from my trip.
Genuine concern for things that have yet to happen. Our temporary residence in Osaka has come to an end. Waking up was painful. I slept in with my hair wet again. I took another shower and fixed myself up with a lot on my mind. It’s all I’ve done this week. I have nothing to look forward to. I worry about the future. I went for a convenience store run early in the morning - a side quest to obtain a couple of things. Listed were: an in-jelly energy drink, water, and packing materials. Everything went by quickly. We had to say goodbye to my mom’s good side of the family. We took a taxi ride back to the airport. We checked in at the hotel connected to it, and now all I’ve done is stare at the digital clock by the bedside table. My mind cannot find its rest. Unfortunate. I did eventually fall asleep. I got my hours of sleep for the day, and when I woke up, I checked out some items at the convenience store. I felt very energized after my sleep. We returned to the airport, checked in our luggage, then found a nice restaurant. We had Kobe beef and wagyu. They were so good. We made our way to our gates and just waited to be boarded. I checked out more stores before we finally had our first flight too. I’m saying 'first' because we still had another connecting one. For the second one, we took a bus, changed terminals, and waited a bit longer before finally heading back to my country I slept throughout the entire duration of the flight.
It’s my mom’s birthday! She does not look her age. I’ve always found my mom so pretty. The first mission of the day was to find sustenance for my little brother. He requested a meal at McDonald’s. I am with professional time wasters. My only job is to navigate my family from point A to B but they are incapable of making up their minds. But I’m cool about it. I love being cool. Cool is my lifestyle. We went to the Osaka train center and went all the way up to the 9th floor just to go back down. I enjoy all locations that I can unlock. Then we took the train back to Dotonbori, this time inside the stores. But I was with my older brother, who kept buzzing about useless complaints. I was unable to buy anything - except for one item, so I guess that was okay. I do regret not getting a couple of other pieces I liked, though. We then departed from the main area of Namba and walked a couple of blocks to Orange Street. It’s where all the streetwear was located at. I have little to no care for designer streetwear. I used to, but it was never my style. I don’t think I can really categorize my style anymore. I grew up. We did visit a lot of stores. I handled my little brother for a while while they were at the Supreme shop. I taught him how to sit without a chair. A classic trick I've been doing for as long as I can remember. The day was wearing me out. We reunited with everybody else, then just as we were about to leave, our stomachs started talking. My dad found this place with Kobe beef, and he and my mom seemed to have enjoyed themselves. I, on the other hand, was wide-eyed, staring at the big Round One sign. My brother had been telling me about it the whole trip, and it’s basically this huge building full of awesome activities. We went and saw a lot of games. We even got ourselves a locker to put our things in. Then we headed to the Spo-cha Sports Challenge floor. Unfortunately, they told us that they were closing soon, so that sort of bummed us out. We resorted to just entertaining my little brother. I also saw this one place that I swore was a location in one of my dreams. Everything felt like a strange premonition. But it was all great. Also, there was this cute instance that I can't just leave out of this diary entry. It was so cute when my little brother asked our dad to get him this fish in a claw crane game. He was unsuccessful, but I just know he tried everything.
A small little layer of abstraction: I honestly think that trips like this, although some would say are repetitive, make me live a little more. We’re going to Universal Studios! I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been to Universal Studios, both in Japan and in the US, but I will always enjoy my time there. We had an express ticket, so that made things way better. To list the rides we went on (with margin for if I miss a ride or two): Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, Jaws, Minion Mayhem, and Super Nintendo World’s Mario Kart: Koopa’s Challenge. There was a downpour, and everyone either had an umbrella or wore raincoats. I was personally convinced that I was waterproof. Upon entering the park, we bought ourselves those headband merchandise since it was already on the way anyway. I got the Snoopy ones. Another purchase of mine was the complete Harry Potter apparel set, including the robes and the scarf, as I’d already been planning to roam around USJ as a wizard. The actual Harry Potter ride was still great and even made me scream, albeit for the wrong reason, such as getting jumpscared by obviously fake props. The Jaws ride was cool too. My little brother really enjoyed it, and that made me so thrilled. Although I was fairly certain I had been on it before, it was still just as enjoyable. I still loved the fire portion. While Minion Mayhem one had a different introduction, it still retained the same old main ride. And of course, the Koopa’s Challenge ride! I had never been inside Super Nintendo World before, but I can vouch for how pretty and amazing it was. All the structures, characters, designs, and quirks tied together so well. The rain was still pretty bad, but that didn’t take away from how the blocks lit up the place. The actual ride was so cool. It was like any other Mario Kart race, except that they gave us these goggles (or visors) that projected game visuals. The augmented reality integration was such an experience. We ate a bunch of things there too, and they were all so good. It was a tiring day, but I had fun.
The air is almost weightless around me. It’s cold, but just enough that I can wear light layers. Our destination for today is the Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan, located in the ward of Minato in Osaka. I was on the lookout for a ferris wheel that overlooked the city. It was an easy walk from there. We decided to eat first before doing any energy-inducing activities. There was this American-based hamburger restaurant, so we went there. They served the best food ever. It was Hasamun Kudony Osakasea, if I’m not mistaken. Apparently, Legoland was located right beside the aquarium, so that was pretty neat. Our time wasn’t very accommodating, though. The aquarium was awesome. There were two whale sharks that I thought were the absolute cutest. It was fairly big and had a lot of sea creatures to showcase. My mom got me ice cream afterward, but I couldn’t eat as much because of my cold. We also looked around the mall beside the aquarium. I wasn’t buying anything so I just sat on a random bench waiting for everyone. They came back with a Snoopy plush, and my dad said he got it for me. I appreciated it a lot, though I know I'll always struggle with expressing my gratitude. But I think they’d understand me, because, after all, they are my parents. We decided to drop by Namba (where Dotonbori is located). I got myself a skirt and a few other items. They were arguing over trivial things, so I decided to separate from everyone. I do remember eating good food. Also, since it’s Halloween, a number of people were dressed up so nicely. It’s a shame I’d only be able to participate tomorrow. We went back, and I thought that today was pretty fulfilling.
Sleep drove too hard a bargain for me to comply with, no matter how desperately I wanted it. Bad case of the sniffles. I found myself finishing boxes and packets of tissues one after the other. I packed up my things early in the morning. We were taking the Shinkansen from Tokyo to Osaka. I had to quickly find a way to transfer our luggage, and luckily, I came across a trusted delivery service nearby. We opted for Yamato Transport, which actually wasn’t too far from our hotel. After that, I took care of all the necessary documents. The old man I was conversing with was very nice. I was a bit nervous since Japanese addresses were not within my scope of knowledge, but I still managed. Conveniently, the Ueno Shopping District was only a couple of steps away. We went there and looked around before eating at this Teppanyaki restaurant. Back at the station, we completed all the processes, got ourselves reserved seats for Osaka, and unwound accordingly. I bought my little brother a Grimace Shake, and it made him so happy. We also found our residential apartment. It seemed sketchy at first, but the inside was so spacious that we concluded this was probably just how cities operate. I am currently at the bottom of the barrel in terms of physical health - I am so sick. Not in the cool way, either. Later, I had to get food for my family, so I ordered a bunch of chicken wings. They were so good.
Our plan was to visit the railway crossing used in the opening scene of Slam Dunk. It’s located at a certain stop along the Tokaido Line. However, we had already wasted time looking for a tangible thing that could cool out my little brother's hot head. We grabbed snacks from convenience stores and coffee shops in the area. Our location had lots of offerings. So now we were at the Fujisawa Station. Everything was so pretty. The train was green, and the shoreline was calling me out through the windows. Unfortunately, the weather was not as cooperative. We had no umbrellas in our inventory and the rain was pouring too heavily. While I normally wouldn’t care, my body was crying out for help. They took pictures, while my little brother, my parents, and I stayed behind. I was fine with it. All I’m really after is rendering new maps in my brain’s library of places. After the long train rides to a destination we couldn’t justify reaching, since the trip felt pointless due to the rain, we decided to head back. Before that, I saw that we were passing by Tokyo Station and gave out the smartest suggestion to buy my little brother toys there. I told him we'd get him Godzilla toys, and that pretty much made him easier to work with. We went to the Cartoon Street, and obviously, I stopped by some shops. I wasn't buying anything, which was surprising. I did visit the Pokémon and Mugiwara stores though. One last stop before actually going back, we went to Akihabara. My brother wanted to buy a few things, and I wasn’t about to pass up on shopping. Despite the rain worsening, we made it to Radio-Kaikan. We had a system to efficiently browse all ten floors, and it worked perfectly. I bought two big Sylvanian Families sets: the 5567 Red Roof Cozy Cottage Starter Home and the 5536 Baker Shop Starter Set. They were relatively cheaper than their regular retail prices. I still mourn the loss of my old Sylvanian Families collection, but I’m okay with starting over. Finally, we were home. I felt so sick, but I had to do a Zoom interview with some university groupmates, so I had no choice but to ignore all of my body's complaints. We hopped from train to train so often that I swear we could've been cast in Subway Surfers.
Has anyone tried turning it off and on again? I am highly demanded in this family. It’s to be expected when I’ve been such a smart aleck my whole life. I guess that’s just the price I have to pay to be recognized in this household. But seriously, I am still incredibly ill. The rainy season and my stubbornness to endure being under the rain are not helping. I usually wouldn't mind it, but how has there not been a second that’s passed where my name is not being called? Nothing is honestly that hard to figure out. Maybe my own body system needs to be turned off and on again. I’m running on too many tasks, and I’m leading myself to a system failure. Like any other trip, I was in charge of the navigation and our itinerary. As per request to prioritize my little brother, I took in all biased suggestions and did the most I could do. We went to Akihabara to start the day. They wanted to eat, and I wanted to buy an Anakin figure. To my demise, Anakin was no longer in stock. We did eat some traditional Japanese meals, so I was still well satisfied. Then I had to look for a marine park. I let my little brother choose from my Google Maps, and it was a shot in the dark because things could've gone south if he chose somewhere far, but he luckily chose the most convenient one to go to. We took the train to Shinagawa Station and walked to the Maxell Aqua Park. The weather was very ideal. We followed some signs leading to our destination, and upon arrival, I took notice of how cool everything looked. I mean, there were rides inside the aqua park. Everything was so creatively displayed, especially with the integration of cool projections and light tricks. I got to witness the dolphin show too. Since the show had its designated schedule, I did have to wait for a while. I’m still sick and had a very runny nose, so I was leaving my seat at random intervals during my wait time. Then the show started. The dolphins performed the craziest high-flying aerial jumps and spins, they carried out tricks like tail-walking, and even carried their trainers on their back while quickly swimming around the perimeters of the tank. At one point, I was convinced the dolphins started acting or singing. They were making airborne sounds through their blowhole. Dolphins are most definitely not the best creatures out there, but part of me felt bad since I am really opposed to animal captivity. I have yet to even move on from the domesticated pigeons everyone just collectively abandoned. Anyway, there were lots of other cool animals. It’s worth mentioning that I spent a longer amount of time in the exhibits that had chameleons in them because I was entertaining myself with a game of I Spy at one point. Leaving the place, I had to look for my parents since they had decided to separate from us to go out and eat. Once we were all finally together, we got ourselves food and had our feast. I ate an entire box of four-cheese pizza. Then we went back home to Ueno. I ran an errand at night to go get my little brother McDonald's. It was not easy given that I was walking by foot and the nearest McDonald's wasn't exactly that near. It was fun though since I got to walk through a bunch of cool districts.
I seek shelter in the bathroom of the house I’m currently staying at. I will always love bathrooms, but only when they’re pretty - strictly only when they’re pretty. I hate public bathrooms. I wish I could attach an image in this entry and just let this bathroom speak for itself. But I’ve honestly spent such an extended period of time in this bathroom. I’m starting my day pretty late. All I’ve done is eat breakfast and play with my little brother. I’m getting ready to go to the mall and fix up since I have a flight later in the evening.
Writing again. I got my nails done. I chose blue French tips, and take my word for it, they’re the absolute cutest.
Why am I always watching sad and sappy movies whenever I’m on the plane?
I love drawing with pen and ink.
I’ve always argued that this preference of mine stems from the permanence of ink and its inherent forgiving nature, as I know that anyone would find a piece with little to no mistakes impressive. And if you do make a mistake, it’s perfectly fine because there’s been an unspoken agreement that since you’ve been given a limit that others deliberately choose not to put themselves into, it’s fair and acceptable. But honestly, I love it for the reason that this “constraint,” as others might see it, is a substance that gives me the character I have now. I love how the ink forces me to precede actions with forethought. And that if I do commit mistakes, I’m given a choice to either acknowledge my mistake between the discrepancy of what’s ideal and what I’ve done, or I completely throw everything away and start anew. It’s a cool concept where I’m given the choice whether to incorporate my mistakes and be better, and know when to start over again.
I’ve been a lot more forgiving of myself recently. I take a second to process each event that I encounter, and I try my best to make my decisions accordingly. Obviously, I still cry about a lot of things, but I’ve been doing it in moderation, which really, really makes me proud. I wonder if others find me insensitive. I personally think I cope really well. I know that sharing emotions is a requirement to let others know that you understand how they feel, but as much as I do understand, some emotions (I don’t think) just aren’t meant to be acknowledged, let alone justified. I know I’m talking in gibberish right now, but I have a set of past encounters I’m relating to this.
I mostly spent this day thinking. I got up an hour after noon, showered, and watched some YouTube videos. My body is at peace. I slept early too.
My body is so sore from yesterday’s gym session. I feel very accomplished. I’m going back home. I had breakfast and planned out my outfits for an upcoming trip I’m having. My dad picked me up. I couldn’t wait to leave. I absolutely hate how loud the city is. I hate how I have no control over everyone’s perception of me. I hate how cynical I get in the city.
Gloomy day, foggy windows, early morning gym. I spent a little over 3 hours destroying my body. It felt really good. I’m packing up my things. I stayed up to do my part on my group’s business case analysis paper. Adrian has been my biggest source of calm these past few weeks. I feel like I’ve lost a lot. It feels nice to have someone who’s so willing to understand me. He’s been so gentle. I wish he knew how much I appreciate his existence.
My body is finally giving all my recent efforts its proper recognition. It’s compensating for all the sleep that I’ve lost in the process of executing all the efforts I’ve given. Adrian was nice enough to accompany me throughout the day. His presence, even if it’s just through the phone, brings me so much comfort, and he doesn’t even know it.
I don’t even know what day it is anymore. I don’t remember to take my meals. I’m so tired. I’m seeing numbers quite literally eveerywhere. I’ve been hallucinating the number 27 on the upper left side of my vision all day. I had to transcribe my written paper into a document because of my illegible handwriting. I had my accounting subject right after. I actually did well, but the anticipation leading up to that test absolutely killed me. I have one more test, and instead of using my vacant time to study, I lost my Apple Pencil. I was having such a bad day. I took my last test with a very disorganized mind. Seriously, there's a lot on my plate right now. I have no capital to my name, and I felt so guilty about everything. Vernon was kind enough to help me look for my lost item. He even shared an experience he had with losing stuff. We followed a bunch of arrow signs and were hysterically making jokes about side quests. He walked me home and tried his best to console me. I slept so much after I settled down back at my place.
First exam went well. I got a perfect score! I’ll let you in on a little secret: I helped out Juliet and gave her my paper so that she could double-check her answers. Not a single bone in my body has changed. I love helping people out. And for the record, I only help out a limited number of people whom I’ve checked out as self-sufficient enough to get a perfect score on any exams. My friend group went out for lunch. We also went to the study hall for a bit and then to the library after class hours. The rest of the day went normally. Nothing interesting.
My to-do list is filled. More midterm exams tomorrow. I’ve been daydreaming about the light at the end of the tunnel. I am honestly pretty confident with whatever’s in the index of my brain right now. I pulled an all-nighter nonetheless.
I’m finding myself stuck on the nth floor of my building. I haven’t gone out in so long. Today might be the day I stop this hermit lifestyle I’ve gotten myself into. A lot to study. Sometimes I wonder if I’m only worth what I can remember for an exam. It’s weird because I know I exceed the limits of my syllabus, and yet the results I’m seeing are still insufficient for my standards.
Gracie released her TSOU deluxe album. This information had completely slipped my mind, up until at least the first couple of hours of my day. I was late for my first class since I’d forgotten to set an alarm the night before. We had to write a letter for that class, and the teacher is very particular about sentence structure. It was horrible, and I was panicking. We had accounting following that, and even though I understood all the concepts perfectly, I was still very overwhelmed. I haven’t even studied for our upcoming quiz on organization and management. My boyfriend and I aren’t on the best terms either, and it’s been taking the biggest toll on me. My mind is not in my control. So, here’s the thing: I recognize that I am incredibly sad. However, is there any foreseeable route around this that I can possibly take? Nope. So, I need to stop making excuses, suck it up, and study while coexisting with the fact that I’m sad. I had a chat session with Ria, though, and that eased things up for me. We had the best conversation ever. I slept with a heavy heart and a mind even heavier.
Am I the product of my environment, or is my environment the product of me? Why do I feel meaner the longer I’m exposed to a particular environment? I did my daily readings and practice questions. University is hard. I think it’s partly because I’ve yet to adapt, but so far, there’s no class in which I’m struggling at intellectually. Trying to keep myself on the radar of the professors is a different story, though. Ria visited for a while and even got me a cup of coconut shake! I helped her with her makeup, and then she fell asleep for an hour or so. I continued studying.
My water consumption has been insane. All I did was study and go to the gym. I have yet to fully recover from my illness.
I’m surrounded by discarded tissue papers. I slept through my entire first class because my head just wasn’t cooperating with me. Though, I did gather the little sanity I had left for my next class. I can’t skip a single lesson in my accounting class. It’s non-negotiable. I studied a lot for that same class the entire day. For my Business Organization and Management class, we had this activity where we were tasked with ranking a bunch of items for survival if we were ever to find ourselves lost in the middle of the ocean. I didn’t get the best results. Apparently, I’d be dead. But I’d argue that’s all subjective. Personally, with my expertise in Raft (the survival-sandbox video game on Steam), I was so sure I’d survive. I did a bunch of my homework and somehow got through the day.
I feel sick. My immune system sucks. I was late for my first class because I accidentally slept in. I snoozed all the alarms I set, and I was entirely at fault. The class was already solving math problems when I got there. I managed to catch up very quickly. I’d actually already learned the lesson in advance, so thank God for that. I didn’t hesitate to go back to bed when the class finally ended. My to-do list has once again been filled up with assignments due within the week. I don’t have the mental or physical capacity for any of it, but I have no other choice. It was raining outside, so I had to eat. I did some assignments but couldn’t go on a call with Adrian because I was too sick.
I woke up today comforted by the fact that my boyfriend is coming over again. I honestly can’t comprehend how I’m choosing to try loving again, knowing everything could fall apart so easily. I think it's the small moments conspiring to make me feel seen, almost like being able to breathe again after holding my breath for so long. But I’m still scared. I don’t want to drown. To love the ocean can be so peaceful, but that doesn’t mean you have to drown in it. It’s interesting because one might not even notice they're drowning until it’s too late. When submerged underwater, you feel lighter than you ever will on land. And it’s so quiet. You forget the weight of other people’s noise. Despite all of this, I trust that the ocean wouldn’t betray me. Even if the tides and waves decide to pull away, they will always return. And when I learn to understand it, I can swim along with its flow instead of fighting it.
In all honesty, I’m finding it so hard to write this diary entry objectively because I don’t like sharing things that are a little too personal. Still, I’ll try my best to recount today’s events, with no promises of details. I forced him to watch Flipped with me. It’s such a classic, and I wanted to know if he’d pick sides. We didn’t finish the entire movie despite him being with me the whole day because of some detours in the plan. I really liked it when he let me sit in front of him and touch his face. He felt so real. His features were so perfect. I want to be able to come back home to him. Time passed by quickly. I swore we were together for no longer than an hour, but as the sun started to set, I realized it had been much longer. He had to leave soon, so we decided to grab something to eat. I got Starbucks, and he got Subway. It was a quick run.
I went back home. I’m continuing my unproductive days. It’s very alarming. But I feel like I need to get my mind off the stress for now. I had my orthodontist appointment. The aftermath was excruciatingly painful. I watched some of the new One Piece episodes. I’ve really been so unproductive. I feel alone. I’m having trouble conceptualizing a logical reason why anyone would stay with me. I don’t see permanence in anything. I don’t understand why this is one of my current concerns when I’ve never cared much for building connections. I feel like I’m losing everyone. I feel alone.
The week felt like a series of complicated knots, but I trust that a seamless finish will clean everything up into something simple. Today’s Friday, and I’m up early. I had bacon for breakfast. I attended a few online classes and then Ria came over so we could carry out our plans. We’re going to the mall! We booked a car ride and were both so thrilled. Our main purpose was to find some home decor for our places. We were so set on going to IKEA and everything, but we regrettably didn’t follow through with that plan and instead ended up straying far away from it. We genuinely did everything but that. We went to a restaurant and got buffalo wings and four-cheese pizza. It was like a cute little date. Gossips were exchanged, obviously. Then we walked around to shop. Ria has this rule: every time she visits the mall, she’s compelled to pick up three tangible items. I, on the other hand, was just going off instincts. I repurchased a makeup item I recently lost, bought refills for my pens, and picked up some clothing pieces I needed. I was on a hunt for a red tank top, too. Eventually, Ria found it for me, and it fit so perfectly that I couldn’t have been happier. I also found this dress that was so “Gracie.” I wanted it so badly, but I had no use for it. Honestly, I’d wear it to my wedding. It was that pretty. We went to the Disney store too. I found a Darth Vader statue and fell in love. We came across this kid who wore our old school’s uniform, and Ria went over to say hi. I stood there awkwardly, but it was impressive how she had such social capabilities. We stopped by Muji for some matcha and coffee before leaving the mall. We booked our ride home, and the drive was rough. The poor driving made me so dizzy. Ria ended up staying over, and after such a long day, I made sure to call Adrian
I have not written any contemplations of importance in this diary for some time now. My writing now strays far from its purpose, and instead, all I put here are just logs of what I’ve done for the day. Tragic, but I’ve been a lot busier because of university. I’ve just completed all my assignments. There are some other pending ones, but so far, they’re still unlisted, so I am choosing to rest for now. The start of my day was very dreadful - boring professors and online classes. I took a quiz before I could even fully open my eyes. I finished that quickly and went back to bed. I showered, ate my breakfast, and then slept while still on call with Adrian. I was resting a lot. It’s late in the afternoon, and the sun is reflecting the prettiest colors around the walls of my place. I went to the gym again. I love the gym. I did 45 minutes of cardio. It was all the usual. I met with Ria down at the lobby right after because she’s been suggesting we have a ramen night. We went to the Korean store and grabbed cups of our liking. The dude who most likely owned the shop was so nice. They even gave us chopsticks. We got an upgraded version of the flavored milks we used to always have back in our old school. Ria struggled with the spice. We watched some YouTube videos while enjoying our feast. I had cookies to go with my meal too. It was cool.
I am having a staring contest with the monitor. It displayed my blank document. I had no thoughts, but I was determined to finish the paper I had due tomorrow. I spent hours doing my research (and probably spacing out too), but I eventually succeeded. The skies and the moon had completed their cycle by the time I was finally satisfied with my work.
Ria was over for brunch and ordered food for both of us. It was nice. She left and came back with me not having moved from my spot. When all of that was over, we went out for some Japanese cuisine. It was the best ever. I was so jealous of her order, though. I wish I’d paid more attention to the menu and less to my essay. I was proofreading it while ordering my food.
I’ve noticed the girl who lives a few doors away from my place. I’ve concluded that we must have the exact same schedule. It’s cool that I always catch her just as she’s leaving or coming back from university. My regular class hours were replaced with a one-time recollection event. I woke up very early and walked farther than I should have. The people facilitating the event were pretty nice, and I even managed to make some new friends. My first new friend was this girl who showed me the way to the event. We were at a lecture hall where they made us participate in a bunch of games. They gave us free food, all of which tasted great. I signed up for an org with my friends when we were allowed to use our phones (they had been temporarily confiscated). The mass was the fastest ever. The priest literally said, verbatim, that he was going to give us a one-minute homily. He spoke in a foreign language, which I assume was Latin, the whole time. We also had a guided meditation activity. Everybody fell asleep except for like two people. I didn’t even know I was asleep until the person guiding us turned on the lights and asked questions—questions that I, ironically, questioned the origins of. Time just passed, and all was silent. I was groupmates with a pretty girl. We all laughed at the answers I wrote in the booklet they gave us because I’d written down the dumbest things. All was cool. Before going home, I went on a date with Juliet. She’s cool. We ate at the same building where the recollection was held. She had pasta, and I got a bowl of cereal. I couldn’t stomach eating any more pasta-related dishes after my recent bad experience with it. We talked, and it wasn’t awkward at all. I went to the gym right after. I love the gym. Had my call with Adrian again before going to sleep.
I got back some test papers from last week. They weren’t bad, but they definitely didn’t meet the expectations I’d set for myself. I went pretty hard during my gym session after school today too. My pump was crazy. Anyway, I feel like I owe this blog a rundown of the new friend group I’ve made during my time here in university. So, Juliet is kind of the most outgoing one in the group. She could actually be our torchbearer, if I’m being honest. She’s smart but not in an obnoxious way. We became friends during the freshman association day or something. She pieced together that I liked anime and approached me. Juliet is a playable character. Almost all my interactions with other people have been because of her. She’s got a lot of cool quirks too. Vernon is a friend of my boyfriend who came from the same school and class I was in previously. We never really talked back then, but now I share an affinity for friendship with him. Jasmine came from that same old class too. We’ve been friends for a while, but it was only ever casual. It’s cool now. Maddie is another new face. It’s cool because she shares the same brainrot humor with me, and she’s literally the realest person ever.
So much to do and so little time. Incredibly overwhelmed. Nothing new.
I am coming to terms with the fact that, in this phase of my life, it is more likely than not that the majority of the people I interact with will misunderstand me. It’s nothing bad or personal. I simply could not care less about explaining my background story or providing more context about what influences my behavior. I think it’s cool that I no longer feel compelled to prove myself to anyone.
Feeling a little better. My self-discipline faltered, and I found myself reverting to old, unproductive habits. I attended online classes, slept, spent time on my phone, and completed one assignment. Later, I fell asleep on a call with Adrian. He stayed up studying for his midterms as I slept soundly.
Online classes. Barely surviving. My head is spinning. Still sick and incredibly weak.
My boyfriend is the sweetest. I didn’t partake in many activities today because my brain was too out of it. The slightest movement can spawn a dozen stars over my head. I’m still suffering. I had a deadline to meet, which I quickly worked through. Adrian, despite having midterms, was kind enough to keep me company while I was struggling. He’s been so good to me.
Unconvinced about having slept even a wink, I got ready while on a call with Adrian. I left my umbrella behind because my bag was heavy. When I went downstairs, I found out it was raining. Inconvenience has won yet another point against me. I had to go back up to grab my umbrella before finally heading to my first class. As far as I know, I was supposed to present for my business communication class, but time ran out before I could have my turn. After that, I took my accounting quiz. I think I did well, though I was already certain I made at least one mistake. Hopefully, it doesn’t get any worse than that. I’m scared. I did my best, but slight lapses in sight or comprehension of the given questions might lead me astray. Afterward, I went back home to sleep. Before that, I grabbed something to eat, which turned out to be the start of my demise. Not long after, I got food poisoned. While on a call with Adrian, I started feeling nauseous. It did not get any better from that moment on.
I took my business finance quiz. The problem-solving part was a bit too easy for my liking. Like, it was beginner math level easy. It was frustrating knowing how advanced I’ve studied for the test. What makes all this more frustrating is that I didn’t even manage to get a perfect score. I was so caught up in complicated formulas (none of which showed up) that I had completely forgotten about the theoretical aspect of the test. We had group work for the next classes, and it went decently well. After that, my friend rented out a meeting room in the library, and we discussed all the necessary topics we knew would appear in the quiz. I find our routines so adorable. I like how it’s so normal for us to study at the library after class. It was definitely very helpful. I had to buy caffeine to keep me up before going home. I studied the whole night. Adrian did too. I was actually taking it pretty easy. Super neat.
I am answering more practice questions. All has been repetitive. My mom and baby brother came over to visit. My brother needed help with robotics, so I had to teach him some basic stuff. He learned pretty quickly and was able to function autonomously in no time. My mom got me some home necessities too, which was cool. My brother liked it when my room was well illuminated, so he turned on every light source I had. I missed them a lot. They left, and I went back to studying. I went to the gym again too.
What more is there to study? I’ve gone through every learning paper and practice material repeatedly. Why do I insist on studying more? What is it that I’m missing? I went on a call with Adrian. We had plans to study for the entire day. Ria came over for breakfast. I cooked her a nice meal. I continued studying. I did take a nap for a short interval of my study schedule, but I had no control over the sleepiness that took over. My boyfriend forced me to get myself lunch. I was supposed to go out with Ria, but she unfortunately had to leave. So I went out, then studied a bit more. I feel like I’m no longer thinking.
I retreat back into the same materials I’ve been studying for over a week now. My studies continue to consume all my days. I helped out Skylar too. I could sort of consider him my apprentice now. Ria accompanied me. We went out for dinner at a Taiwanese restaurant. I originally did not intend to get anything, but Ria insisted on getting me something. She let me on one of the best calamares dishes I’ve ever tasted. We roamed around this mall we’d both never been to after. We grabbed some things that we’d been meaning to buy. As we stood waiting in line for the cashier, I brought up this pretty weird observation. I asked her if stealing plants would be considered trafficking. She replied with the sentiment that botanists were basically slave traders. It was so crazy. After we had acquired our purchases in a plastic bag, we explored the area a bit more. All the shops looked empty. I wondered if they were being used for money laundering or something. We went back to our place and cleaned ourselves up. I made Ria a smoothie too. I drew some weird Backyardigans fan art, and Brie called us to share some news about her current state of mind. It was funny.
A clothes pile is starting to form. More math problems to wake up my consciousness. Did assignments, group works, and more practice questions. All is the same. I’m hoping for a change soon - to be stable enough that I can add more to my routine. Classes went well. I participated, did all that a student would, then went back to answering my practice questions.
Dishes remain unwashed. Woke up later than usual. I needed the extra sleep. Studied more. Took it a bit slower than usual. Attended a seminar. Studied a lot more. It’s been a while since I last sat down and actually had long conversations with Adrian. We’ve been far too preoccupied and caught up with our studies. We never miss a day of talking, but we’ve been a bit too tired recently to even talk about anything much. We were good. I put all of my academics aside. I love being with him. Then I used the bathroom for a short moment. My AirPods remained connected to my laptop. He talked to himself, saying that he really loved this girl (referring to me) and that he can’t mess this up. He was mumbling some sort of pep talk. I wanted to bring it up when I got back because I thought he was joking, but he didn’t say anything about it. Maybe he actually meant what he said. I am really, really in love with him.
Tired. Fed up. Unable to identify my purpose. I am having a hard time adapting. My situation could be worse, but I do hope it was better. I’ve set standards that are clouded by my indecisions. I’m overwhelmed. I know I’ll get over this. It’s unfortunate that I feel this way. I figured out one of the factors affecting my eternal sleepiness: I haven’t been wearing my glasses. The blurry vision probably had some effect similar to a lullaby. I switched from my stopwatch studying to a Pomodoro one too. It worked well enough. I went to the gym. Did cardio. Same settings with 15 on incline and speed of 3.5 - 4.5. Had a nice shower after. Continued studying. Something worth mentioning: Professors are not forgiving, and they suck.
Passively waiting for things to change. Lost in ambition, running away from the status quo.
Slowly chipping away. The damages were ignored but are now starting to show.
Classes were moved online. I’m trying to catch up with the pace of my recent days. I hate waking up to the sound of the city. It’s too loud, and I’m simply too irritable. It sends me into a panicked state. I had business finance for my first class. I had no time to shower. I brushed my teeth, then started writing down solutions in my notebook. The calculator has yet to leave my close vicinity for even an hour.
My time, unfortunately, continues to be far too occupied. I debated whether or not I should cook myself a meal. Lost time cooking, eating, and washing the dishes. I wonder if others struggle as much as I do. I need to study more. Same old familiar feeling of needing coffee in my system. I went out to grab myself a cup. I could not stay awake for the life of me, weighing the costs of trading sleep. Classes were announced to be moved online. I slacked off a bit upon receiving this information. It wasn’t on purpose. Made a contract with Adrian, showed him a few games I liked, and messed around. His sister talked to me while he was away from his keyboard. That means they like me, right?
Nothing to say, a lot of study. Went to the gym for leg day and some core finishers. My mind is very unstable.
Senses are sensitive. The train passing by is loud. The city rejects comfort. My body demands more sleep. Everything is the same. I’m chasing after success. More hours spent studying. Ate out with Ria for dinner. I had already eaten an entire meal prior, so I only had a slice of NYC cheese pizza with her while she ordered about 4-5 meals, more or less. I forced her to go after. Still having my daily calls with Adrian.
I’ve never really worried about the contents of what I post here in my online diary. It has always been the least of my concerns. I’m not exactly a criminal with sensitive information to hide, I don’t dox myself or other people, and I like sharing my life because I think I’m pretty cool. My literal goal with this whole thing is to publish it one day, like Anne Frank’s diary. But there are some things I’d rather talk about in code.
Adrian came over today. I had morning online classes, so I’d already been awake for a while before he arrived. I did make him wait for a bit since I was hoping my professor would either dismiss us early or give us a break. She eventually gave in to the latter, since she had just assigned us an activity anyway. I had 5 minutes to pick Adrian up. I took the elevator and ran. I grabbed and pushed him around, which was probably rude, but I was trying to make it back to class. Ria was with us for a while. I made Adrian sit with me on my bed while I continued my classes. I lost sight of him for a second, and he came back to give me a flower made out of ribbons. He found a loophole since I’ve banned him from giving me flowers, partly because I don’t want to receive them hastily, and partly because I’ve always told myself the first guy to give me flowers might just be the one I marry. It’s a conditional promise to myself with a lot of parameters I’ve made up in my head. I’ll know it when I do. I think I know it now too. He was very proud of it, especially with his little creative touch on the stem. I didn’t want to take it out of the wrap because I wanted to keep it exactly the way he gave it to me. Ria eventually left. Adrian cooked me breakfast because I hadn’t eaten anything yet. He made an enemy out of electric stoves for some weird reason. He did that while I listened to my class - or at least tried to. He was very distracting. I found it hard separating from him, so I kept asking him to come closer. I ate the food he made, and he even washed the dishes. I don’t like washing dishes, so who was I to reject the kind offer? Then we made out - like, a lot. We should’ve closed the door, but it’s not like there was anyone else around. We stayed in bed, and I wished I could keep him with me like that any time I wanted. He’s still really good at kissing, and somehow, he keeps getting better every time. One of my classes got canceled, which was cool. He was so sweet and gentle with me. I felt loved, and trust me, that’s a pretty awesome feeling. The necklace he gave me broke today. Whatever that means. I liked whenever he let me hug him. He’s cool. We pretty much just played house, except today felt real, like a life I could actually imagine living. We went out to see a mutual friend of ours. They caught up and all that, but Adrian had to go, so we walked him out. I wanted to give him one last kiss, but it didn’t feel like the right place. We said our goodbyes, and I went back to my place with the friend we met up with. I’ll call him Vernon for the sake of this diary. He’s part of my friend group, so he’ll probably make a lot more appearances in my upcoming entries. Ria finally finished her classes and came over to my place. I introduced her to Vernon. We studied some accounting concepts and just talked about random things. I cooked them dinner too. Vernon left, and Ria did shortly after.
I find trust to be such a curious thing. I’m no longer asking for signs of whether or not I’m doing this right. I like to believe that I am. But maybe I’m wrong, or maybe I’m deceiving myself again. Honestly, it’s kind of scary. But I can genuinely say that I wouldn’t even think twice about offering Adrian the first book I ever bought at a book fair (it’s about raccoons). I never noticed the empty, unoccupied spaces in my room until he left and took his presence with him.
Accounting. More studying. Mom came over. Gym. Popeyes. Ria slept over. Not enough time to write. Accounting. More studying.
Too busy to write. Attended my first two classes. The first hour and a half was wasted because of technical difficulties. During the next class, I felt like a star nearing the end of its life span. We had an accounting quiz simulation, and I realized I might’ve just burned out. It was horrible—I did so incredibly bad, and it scared me. I went out with my friends for lunch and had carbonara. Then we stayed at the library for more studying. I saw Skylar walking back along my usual route. The rest of the day was spent studying.
I love morning classes. I get to fit more into my days, and I feel a lot better when I can say I’ve spent my day well. I participated in class a lot again. I don’t want to be pretentious, so I try my best to keep up with the expectations that come with my own pretensions. It’s hard, but it’s not like I lack the resources to make excuses for myself. I had a recent fallout with a very important class. I don’t show any particular signs of distress, but it’s been weighing on my mind. I had Vietnamese food with my friends for lunch. We also went to the library after school and worked on some assignments. I got home, rested, then got ready for the gym. It was nice. I did cardio while working on some more assignments, then focused on my arms. Everything that follows is the same old.
Could barely move. It’s cold, and my body feels restricted. I am begging the skies for good health. I can’t afford to get sick. I feel uneasy and unwell. Am I too aware of my heartbeat, or am I shivering from the cold? Studied more accounting before eating for breakfast. Went on call with my friends to study some more.
I’ve been very emotional. It might be my hormones. Period cramps will be the death of me. I lay steadily in bed, with every inch of my body aching. I accommodated the soreness pretty well. I take it as a sign of muscle gain. I had to rush this morning. I needed to go to the hospital for my medical requirements (again). It’s honestly been such a burden with how much time it eats up. I can’t explain how bothersome it’s been. It’s my recent source of frustration. Now at the hospital, I was racing against time. There was this other person who cut the line while I was waiting too. I wanted to resolve my issues with violence, but I didn’t because, quite frankly, I would never have the guts for that. I was shaking my leg, unable to calm myself. I was running out of time. My turn eventually came around. I was stressed. I had some problems with the signal reception when I was paying. I ran out and ended up crying in the middle of the street. The cars were avoiding me, and I knew I was getting horrible looks. I could not care less. I made a call and eventually fixed my problem. I had less than the time I needed to buy Olivia’s concert tickets. I encountered a lot of problems but still somehow managed to get myself tickets. I’m going with Sine. I have to go back to the hospital in a while for another appointment. I played with my baby brother in the meantime. I read him some of the books he was handing me. I went to my orthodontist, they did more painful operations, and I went back. I gathered my things and left for university. Some new furniture arrived. I brought my PC with me too. I cleaned and organized my room. I did some studying as well. My older brother visited for the night, and that was cool. More studying.
I am homesick. I miss everyone. I overestimated my mental capabilities. I make too many conditions for myself. I might be misjudging my potential. I’m anxious. I studied a lot today. I had online classes too. I did some practice sets and worked with a group for a paper. They weren’t the most ideal to work with, and unfortunately, I’ll be stuck with them for the whole term. All I can do is suck it up. Ria came over again. She brought me food, and it was awesome. We watched YouTube and hung around before going out to run some errands. Then we went to the gym. We ran into a lot of problems. Long story short, it was an hour of getting lost in a dark and scary place. That one particular sound haunted me too. I finally found my way after getting separated from Ria. I did a lot at the gym. I taught Ria some workouts I knew. I used all the equipment available and once again focused on core. Afterward, I went back home—like, my actual home an hour away. It felt so nice to be back. My room looks abandoned now. My bed was moved; I assume it was because it was cleaned. It just felt empty—empty of what made it mine. I had pizza for dinner, took a nice long shower, and fell fast asleep.
I love my parents. I really appreciate them. They're in Vietnam right now.
White, messy, empty room. The sun was too bright for my liking. It was also too early for anything. I got to sleep in during my first class. Our professor left us some seatwork with a deadline. I was so thankful to have been given more time to sleep. I woke up and got ready. I had a few more online classes. Ria visited again! She brought me lunch, which was such a nice gesture. We watched some of Nicole Laeno’s vlogs while eating. We hung out for a while and then got hungry. We went out to get some food, but nothing felt right. So I begged Ria to accompany me to the gym. I worked on arms. It was terrible. I loved it. We went back and had dinner. I wrote in my diary, and she wrote her stories. I went on a call with Adrian again.
The streets are loud and busy. I slept early yesterday. I fell asleep while on the phone with Adrian again. I listed the things I needed to get done today and started chipping away at that list. I did my assignments and cried in the gaps of my time. I got ready for this movie night my university was hosting. I wore a dress, and it was cute. Ria came over, and we walked to school together. I hadn’t seen her in so long. We walked around campus before signing up for the event. We went to The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf at the library to get some vanilla frappes and catch up for a bit. We didn’t actually stay for the movie portion of the event. There was this trivia game at the start, which Ria participated in, and then we just called it a night. We got food, went to my place, and attempted to do our homework. Unfortunately, there wasn’t an ounce of productivity in our bodies. We both ended up just going on our phones. I showered, got ready for bed, and then finally went on a video call with Adrian.
Simple morning: nuggets, eggs, and fried rice. I walked to school straight to my first class. Our classroom was so neat. I took the seats my friends had saved for me. The professor was cool; he was playing music that lightened the atmosphere for the class. In the next class, we had to write a request letter, and I was semi-panicking. For the two-hour break, I went out with the same group of friends, and we spent our time at a burger place, eating early lunch. I decided to split my meal with one of my friends since he didn’t want anything heavy either. I got myself a coconut shake just before walking to my next class. Our Organization and Management class went by quickly. The professor was laid-back about everything. She said she didn’t care if students did whatever in her class since we were the ones paying anyway. She gave me a stamp for actively participating in her class, and then she stopped calling my name. I waited for my friends outside. We were planning to do some assignments, but first, we went to the clinic to pass some medical requirements. I met this dude who was kind of in front of me in line, and we ended up talking about a lot of things. I found out he was an engineering student who lived pretty far from campus. He shared some things about his life and friends, and it was a pretty wholesome interaction. Then we headed to the study hall. We checked out the library too. We went up five whole floors searching for seats. We had this entire bit about being explorers and being “silly,” retracing the same steps we had just taken. It’s an inside joke, you can go figure. We eventually found ourselves a spot, and we joked about whether our eyes were deceiving us or not. We actually made a lot of progress with our assignments, a lot more than I had predicted. They didn’t seem like fair-weather friends anymore. We had fun. I went home, did my diary entries, and then called Adrian.
Tired. High chance for my literary efforts to fail me. Awake before my alarm clock rang. Showered, ate breakfast, and got ready. I walked to school. I hallucinated a world of pixels where I had to encounter obstacles. It was almost cinematic. I saw some familiar faces upon entering the campus. I walked with an old classmate (who happens to be in the same block) I was well acquainted with, to class after the initial interaction I had with the group I had just approached. We were both lost. First class was fun. The teacher seemed very passionate about her work. She gave us some words of encouragement too. I read ahead while she skimmed through the overview and syllabus of the course. We had a two-hour break after. I was with this friend group I was testing the waters with. We ate with the university cats. There’s this one girl who I’d like to assume took a particular liking to me. We spent most of the day together. She saved me a seat for the next class after I excused myself to the bathroom. Our professor looked strict, but it was the type I liked the most. Her class was the most organized one in our Canvas school interface. I’ve done a couple of her assignments in advance too. I felt pretty nervous knowing I had messaged her the night before asking about assignments. I did awesome during her class though. Turns out, I still had economics memorized verbatim like the back of my hand. I seriously defined each term exactly as it was in her reference module. She even quoted me. I had no intention of showing off; I just happened to have a really good memory system. I’ve been repeating that party trick where I recite literal pages of textbooks for a while now. It was different this time since all the knowledge I had was from my senior classes. She made us create our own group, and I was so grateful for that. We formed it with the guy I was with in the morning, the girl who had been with me, and two other girls from my class, who I was actually interested in being friends with. I wasn’t as in my head after that group was formed. The next class was with a really cool teacher. He was into a lot of generic to niche nerdy things. He seemed really nice. He made us introduce ourselves, and I made the class laugh three times consecutively. He had us share three interesting facts about ourselves, and I gave pre-made vague answers. That was our last class. I roamed around with two of the same people minus the two girls who had just joined us. We checked out some organizations. We made small talk with so many people. We parted ways, and I went home. I was really tired. I took a shower, watched Frieren, and just rested. My mom came by to bring some things I forgot at home. I called Adrian in the afternoon too. Nighttime was pretty rough. I had my reasons. I was overwhelmed, and I knew my systems were due for an entire reboot. Everything was changing. I had to change too. Another call with Adrian before bed, and he single-handedly made me forget everything that was bothering me. We were laughing so hard.
Long day, no time to write. Moving out. Packed more things. Played with my baby brother for a while. We did some of his favorite games. It was tiring, but we might not see each other again for a while. Visited my brother at his place before going to mine. Settled in and organized my stuff. Still gave Adrian a call.
Happy birthday Gracie Abrams!
More bags, filled with things from my room. I'm moving out tomorrow. I went to my unit again, very early in the morning, with my mom accompanying me. She was helping out. I met with the agents fixing up the unit - they were really nice. I brought more clothes, hung and folded them neatly. I changed the bedsheets, measured a few things, and anchored down the new desk. My mom and I went grocery shopping too. Everything felt static - uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. I'm both scared and excited. We went back home, and I looked online for a vanity table. My mom found one I really liked. I packed more things, played with my baby brother. Late afternoon, I slipped into the shower. I did two more assignments in advance. I consulted one of the teachers I've yet to even meet, with an inquiry about an assignment not due until a week after this week's. Still watching Frieren. Worked out. Watched more Frieren. Called Adrian.
Much to complete. Thin, brittle paper carrying the weight of what is yet undone. A lifeline in each line - a pretense of control. I have online classes. I woke up early, showered, and had breakfast. I found myself distracted by the release of each subject's syllabus. I made a list, ensuring I distributed my time well enough. I did a bunch of work not due until next week. I'll continue the ones due later tomorrow until my obsession with finishing tasks quiets itself. I had to introduce myself in almost all my classes. The teachers were all pretty nice. We had group work. Turns out I do actually seem approachable - I got messages asking if they could pair up with me. I continued watching Frieren. I find no faults in the anime.
Quiet hour. Alone in the confinement of my house. I’m shutting down any thoughts I’d consider too emotional. Discursive words written in both my analog journal and digital diary. I’m reading Clarice Lispector’s Água Viva. I worry about my crude writing - it’s filled with too much sensitivity and emotion. I’m too young to figure out how much of it is genuine. I hesitate when it comes to what’s necessary. I’m afraid to detach from logic. I'm afraid to abandon all I’ve ever known. I don’t think my strength is sufficient enough to surrender to the predictable silence that follows a question without an answer. Comprehension and incomprehension. I am obscure, even to myself.
I have no care for other sentient creatures except for those of my own kind. Is my identity threatened by their existence? Shouldn't I give fair judgment to all? I’m unsure where I should draw the line of care.
I find it uncool. I feel judged and condemned, with no way to defend myself. Three of my worst fears combined: being perceived (and wrongly, at that), being framed (even in a lesser sense), and being lied to. It’s unfair when I’m not given the chance to explain the context of transitory excerpts from the past. The comfort I once found in writing now seems like a weapon that could be used against me, yet I don’t wish to part from it.
I’m starting a new anime, Frieren: Beyond Journey's End, and I really, really love it. I mentioned it in a group chat with my closest friends, and one of them told me she had recently planned on reaching out to me because I reminded her of Frieren, the mage. It was purely coincidental, but I took it as such a compliment. I did my usual night routine. I showered, ate dinner, worked out, and played the guitar. My mom made me a glass of freshly squeezed oranges. It was nice. She gave me a chocolate muffin which I ate earlier in the day while watching Frieren too.
My mind is busy. It confronted a lot of my contemplative qualms. I plan on giving mini essays a shot. I find beauty in thoughts so deeply understood that one could condense them into a few sentences. I want to be that certain kind of knowledgeable in the things that interest me. I have successfully brought my diary up to date. It’s cool. I spent my first hour of the day on a call with Adrian. I told him about my plot-heavy nightmare. I ate breakfast, hung around with my baby brother, then called my boyfriend again. We didn’t do much. He did his homework, and I played the dumbest Roblox game. I watched some YouTube videos too. In the evening, I wrote some more, worked out, showered, then wound down pretty early.
Adrian confessed a few things - things I wasn’t exactly pleased with. But what’s done is done. I hope I can find it in me to look past it.
Classes were once again canceled. I filled my time by learning a bunch of Justin Bieber songs on the guitar. I worked on uploading my diary entries too. I had a hair appointment since it does need taming and maintenance. I was with my mom, and she had her own things too. I was pretty out of it. I only managed to do a light workout and called it a night. I fell asleep on call with Adrian. We both surrendered to the weight of our eyes.
The rain fell hard and continuously. It was loud, but the walls of my room muted it, turning it into some kind of white noise. Today was supposed to be my first day at uni, but it was canceled. I woke up really early and received the news from a text notification. I confirmed it and went right back to sleep. After taking my morning shower, I helped my mom with some technical problems she was having. I had breakfast afterward. I watched One Piece, and the gray weather made me sleepy. I called Adrian to hear his voice before sleeping. Neither of us ended the call. I fell asleep for 2 hours straight and woke up just in time for dinner.
Another early day. I shopped for more furniture at IKEA. We found everything we needed in each rack and section indicated online. I looked for lamps because I simply prefer them over the big lights on the ceiling. Then we visited the condo. We fixed up the area, assembled some things, and folded clothes. It was nice. I was with my mom. We came back home a little later in the day, and I didn’t have much time to rest. I went to my room and, before showering, decided to dye my hair. I mixed the Arctic Fox Purple and Periwinkle dye, and the color came out really pretty. I picked out my clothes for tomorrow, skipped today’s workout, then called Adrian. We had interesting conversations, but it was disappointing when we had to cut it short since I had to wake up early tomorrow.
If my life ever permits it, I would most definitely run away. It’s an impulse that’s very recurring in my thoughts (and diary). I just feel like I’m best when left alone. I’m moving out sometime around this week. For now, I had to check out my condo and measure a few spaces. I bought some things from Ikea too. We ate at the restaurant there, and my baby brother, who tagged along, got himself some stuffed animals. It’s going to take a while to settle in. I’m very overwhelmed, in the anxious kind of way. I was so exhausted when I got home. I had to order some things online too. I showered, ate while watching One Piece, then worked out. My workout form was atrocious today, but I couldn’t be bothered. Once all was done, I went on a call with Adrian.
I want to code another game. Anything simple would do. But since I have insufficient time to start any new projects, I resorted to fixing the back-end of my website. I finally uploaded Cy Brawler on Itch.io. It’s posted on the games page of the website too. I continued watching One Piece just to try and catch up before I inevitably stop watching for another year or two again - a very bittersweet goodbye. I uploaded some of my diary entries too. I’ve actually been a lot better at writing every day. The only problem I have is that whenever I do have to post them online, I need to put them through proofreading and editing. That’s the part I more often than not procrastinate. I didn’t miss today’s workout, so that’s awesome. I tried hitting more reps. After that, I went on a call with Adrian. He fell asleep again. I love it when he’s sleepy.
Breakfast was nice. It was very peaceful. The regular program continues. All was the same. I wore an outfit that I’ve most likely worn in previous episodes. Nothing was different. I watched a lot of One Piece. I didn’t work out, but I still had my call with Adrian.
The road was slippery, but I was driving faster. I like gambling with circumstances that have a low probability of death, like walking too close to the road on sidewalks, crossing without looking, climbing up places not meant for climbing—anything in that range of activities. Death is most certainly far from my concerns. This morning required much time from me, but I am now officially enrolled in university. Every passing day makes college feel more tangible and reachable. It’s scary to an extent. I’m not that worried, but I know that adapting to change can be quite a challenge in any scenario. I typed up some documents for my parents too. It was a lot. Then I drove out for my orthodontist appointment. I’ve had my braces on for so long, and I look forward to the day they get taken off. I got myself some food before going home, going a little off my usual choice of menu. Afterward, I rested for a bit, ate lunch, and then took a shower. Seeing the rain calm down made me consider getting my overdue haircut, so I went out and got it. I trusted Adrian’s suggestion for a haircut, and he was right - I actually liked it. I took another shower when I got back and then worked out. We called as we always do and talked a lot. Time passed by quickly, and we completely disregarded everything else. He didn’t get to do his homework, which means I failed at not making myself a distraction from his priorities. I wish he’d take care of himself more. He’s always choosing me over other important stuff, which I appreciate but don’t want to tolerate at all.
Tiring day. I woke up early against my will and could barely keep my eyes open. I hadn’t slept for long, but I had no choice. It was a drive that took a little over an hour. I needed to go to my university to claim my identification card. The line moved quickly, and I was able to accomplish my task in no time. We picked up our baby brother from school afterward. I’m starting to despise car rides. I’m not the type to get motion sickness, but the amount of rest that car rides and going out, in general, have taken away from me has left a permanent toll on my body. I can’t help but feel dread whenever I have to ride in one now. It’s very tragic. I played the guitar for a bit while waiting for my mom. She had some things to do. I offered to give her a ride. I’ve been picking up speed in my driving, though I still struggle with parallel parking. I bought a new book and some clothes too. I’m going to have to start packing soon. I ate a nice full meal when I got home and played some more songs on the guitar - both acoustic and electric. Today’s my rest day, and to put my progress report here, my core is extremely toned. My genetics are working double time too. I love my muscle placement so much. I know I show off a lot, and I look like I have a bad need for a fidget toy with how often I lift my shirt up, but if you had abs like I do (just like Gracie and the mannerism we share), you’d totally flaunt them too. Anyway, I showered and called Adrian. He came home late - he had a very busy day.
I teared up watching the concluding episodes of the Wano Arc, as I always do when an arc comes to a close. Momonosuke’s send-off made me bawl my eyes out, especially when Luffy gave him his Jolly Roger. I sincerely admire Oda for his perspective on things. I love how he writes and how he doesn’t unnecessarily kill off characters. He has a talent for writing death scenes too - Ace, Hiriluk, Whitebeard, to name a few memorable ones. He’s said to enjoy writing the post-fight parties, and I love reading and watching them just as much. It gives me a sense of satisfaction like nothing else. His reasoning makes perfect sense too. He doesn’t let people die because that would make the parties sad; rather than a celebration, it would be more like a wake. I love his brain so much. I’m almost all caught up! I’m estimating another day or two of uninterrupted watching, and I should be able to lay off One Piece for a while again. I let One Piece consume me entirely again today. I did play with my baby brother for a while. I went on a call with Adrian pretty early too. We just talked about very random things. Afterward, I ate, showered, worked out, then went back on the call with my boyfriend again. We had this bit that went on for so long, acting out how we’d be in the future and how we’d tell our kids (whether they’re AI, alien, or clones of some kind) stories about how we met and fell in love. It was funny. For sure another point for the books.
Restless and debatably unproductive. I watched One Piece for the entire day. The spoilers from last year was almost inevitable. I caught some in my compact radar. Watching the crew defeat their respective opponents one by one was such a satisfying watch. The animation, especially the impact frames were all so awesome. Luffy’s Gear 5 was built into the plot quite well. I’m trying not to spoil anything so I’ll keep my thought to myself. It’s fine because for every single episode of One Piece, I’ve already created my own commentary and in-depth analysis that I store separately. The only thing close to productive that I’ve done is my daily workout and my call with Adrian.
One quick errand: I needed to get my drug test results. I wasn’t expecting anything other than negative. As far as I know, I haven’t touched a single substance that would have a negative effect on my body. I’ve had alcohol at most, but only on occasions that merit it. I had Japanese cuisine with my parents before heading home. For the rest of the day, I showered, watched One Piece (mostly this), then worked out. I fell asleep on a call with Adrian again. He started it. We’ve been taking turns. I know that oxytocin is often released when you’re with someone you love (because that’s just how it works), and that lowers cortisol, but it’s getting kind of concerning. I told him before that I miss him a lot when I’m extra tired because he’s turned into the rest I’ve never known, but I feel like I’m becoming codependent. Then again, that isn’t much of a problem considering neither of us is planning on leaving the other. We still managed to talk about a few things though.
I must’ve slept in the wrong position last night. My body wasn’t functioning well; parts of it were sore. The reasoning makes perfect sense since I was still on a call with Adrian when I decided to take a 5-minute nap. Those minutes sooner or later turned into hours, and before I even knew it, the sun was already up for the next day. I slept a bit longer after waking up. I didn’t struggle with the sleeping part, but I kept having nightmares. I was shuffling through them until I finally generated one where the setting of my dream was decent enough. By shuffling, I mean forcing myself to wake up through that weird paralysis phase I somehow always go through and jump-starting my consciousness by moving any muscle in my body to jolt me awake. Another attempt at acquiring the drug test requirement for university. The line was almost doormat steady, so I walked around, imitating the behavior of an NPC to entertain myself. I went back to the queue my mom was holding for me, only to find out that they skipped a bunch of numbers in the line - ours included. The process went pretty quickly after that. I should be able to get the results tomorrow. I bought myself food before going home. I ran into a friend I knew. I find it so cool that people like me enough not to ignore me if they see me around. I played with Lucas before going to the mall. I received the unfortunate news that he would soon be given away. My baby brother visited the hospital while I was asleep for almost half of the day, and his asthma was acting up with the dog around. My baby brother is heartbroken. I am too, but I’m so accustomed to our dogs leaving our home. They always come and go. I love dogs. I’m usually the one who takes care of them when they’re around. At least I play with them the most. I hate it when they leave, but it’s not like I have a vote in making them stay. Most of the dogs we own are at our farmhouse with their own caretakers. It’s good enough. Back to our current timeframe, today was a huge waste. The first thing I did when I got home was take a shower. Then I was lifeless. I did my diary entries, then worked out. I’m learning new pen tricks. I’m equipping myself with new random skills while I still can.
I met a lot of personalities, none that I haven’t already encountered before. Different individuals with different experiences, but all seemingly repeats of people I’ve already met. I redacted the essay that follows this to avoid scrutiny for my biased and incomplete understanding of the matter. My unwarranted disposition keeps everyone at a distant neutrality. I made lots of new friends right off the bat. I was late and was grouped with those who shared my fate. I saw some old faces too. They brought us to the hall where the early batch had already proceeded, and I made friends with everyone seated next to me. It was kind of cute. I formed a group during lunchtime as well. We walked around and got to know each other. I stuck with these people for the rest of the day. I haven’t had caffeine for such a long time now. They were giving it out during the tour, and I ended up with a cup in my hand. It actually tasted good. There was a portion where we were settled inside a classroom and did a couple of activities. Everyone seemed cool enough. The next part, where we were brought to the same hall we were in at the beginning and watched a bunch of upperclassmen perform, was probably my favorite. This really funny dude (with a similar gender preference) was sitting beside me, and we were hitting it off too. I really felt like the environment of university was fitting for me. It was draining but equally as fun. For the last part, we had a walk where they basically gave out freebies and welcomed us. That was great too. I was incredibly exhausted but rested well enough during the car ride home that I still managed to work out after all that. I gave Adrian a call and told him all about today.
I have lots of books waiting to be read that sit quietly on my bookshelves. Some of them have pages that haven’t seen the light of day in a while. Some are still wrapped in plastic, just as they were when I bought them from the bookstore. I want to get back into reading so badly, but I’ve been too preoccupied. There was a slight difference in my morning routine today. I brushed my teeth and left the shower for later. Instead, I looked for Lucas (the corgi) and brought him into my room. He loves to bite. Since he’s just a baby, he’s still ungroomed, which means his claws are fairly sharp. It didn’t matter much, though, since all they left were tiny scratches on my skin. Then I let him go for a bit. I had to take a shower. That’s when I had my breakfast. I had bacon! On a perfect day, I would definitely choose bacon for breakfast. Lucas kept me company, settling down right beside where my foot was resting. I was watching One Piece. I watched it the entire day. It turns out that some things never change, one of them being my weird little obsession with this incredibly long anime. Not many events worth writing down today. All the food I consumed was super good. I logged my thoughts on each new One Piece episode I watched. I worked out, took a quick nap, and went on a call with Adrian. Everything followed the routine.
It’s nice to have some early morning fare to start the day. I tend to unintentionally skip it on most days. I watched more episodes of One Piece. I had my orthodontist appointment, and I take it that their objective is to shut my mouth closed. I got myself a coconut shake before going back home. I was in the car for a while. The weather seemed upset. My dad came back home with a new dog, which he left outside. It was raining heavily. I rushed home and gave the puppy a bath. I blow-dried his hair too. We named him Lucas (like George Lucas because of Star Wars), and I played with him for almost the entire day. My baby brother adored him. I brought him upstairs with me and let him adjust to the new environment. I worked out, watched more One Piece, had another sword fight with my baby brother, then went on a call with Adrian.
Adrian spoke of a few things that I can’t unhear. I love myself to an extent, but as I’ve claimed repeatedly, I know I’m not meant for relationships. I don’t think I’m someone anyone could love fully. Sirko is an exception to that rule, of course. But it’s just a concept I’ve had a hard time rationalizing because quite frankly, I don’t like myself. It’s very contradictory with my occasional self-obsessed personality, but I’m like an acquired taste—almost. I have Gatsby’s tragic flaw of an inability to escape my past. I hated myself for such an extended period that any derogatory lapse of tongue will send me right back to that unforgiving dome. It was a tough scene for a while. I have to admit, I did cry a little. The reality of the matter hit me hard, and I was forced to accept it. Because it was really the only way I could recover from that. I’m sure he meant well by it. The dice of fate have never rolled in my favor anyway. But I hope that somewhere, at some time, the kind of love that would make it impossible to trade me for anything else in the world will find me.
I have to complete more medical requirements for university. It’s honestly such a drag. I picked up my baby brother from school on the way. I was unsuccessful with my only task - the hospital I went to didn’t have the specific drug tests I needed. I showered, then went on a call with Adrian. I didn’t do much, but with how often I go outside, the slightest bit of activity is very taxing on my physical state. The tiredness in my system has yet to be fixed. At this pace, I don’t think it ever will. Adrian was doing his homework. I talked and wrote until I fell asleep. He did too. It was pretty late in the afternoon, and the light outside was dim. I woke up after the sun had completely set. I ended the call to eat dinner. I played the electric guitar, worked out, then called my boyfriend. He was extremely tired. He’s still recovering from his recent sickness, and his workload is pretty piled up. I started watching One Piece again and managed to watch about 10 episodes, more or less. Then I woke Adrian up around 2 a.m. so that he could continue with his work. I passed out afterward.
I felt pretty under the weather. I showered early in the morning only to head back to bed and sleep for a couple more hours. I cooked breakfast for myself just to get my daily sustenance. I worked out. I feel like everything I thought I had control of is slipping past me. I’m making my best efforts to keep it together. How do you call it when you’re in your head? Like when you really stay inside of it? I don’t know. Gracie couldn’t figure it out either. I’m looking for some kind of validation. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I was only making things worse. I wanted to hear words that were too specific. It’s like I’m playing a game of hope chess. Honestly pathetic, but it’s better than not trying to get out of whatever mess my brain is creating. I was never good at coping. I finished reading a new book. I read the Penguin Little Black Classic Well, They Are Gone and Here I Must Remain. I managed to take away some pretty cool quotes from it. After that short distraction, I started losing it again. Having the brain I have is proving to be some kind of challenge. It was inescapable, which wasn’t particularly ideal. So I worked out. My body felt unusually light. I didn’t struggle as much. After that, I read another book. This time, it was by Edgar Allan Poe. I read The Fall of the House of Usher. I annotated it quite heavily. I had fun. I had some time to write, so I did that too. I went on a call with Adrian as I routinely do. We talked for a bit, he did his homework, and I finished writing some entries.
My body refuses to cooperate with me. It’s paying off its monthly wages. I was stuck in bed for the majority of the day. Quite literally, too. I tried doing a couple of tasks, but I was incredibly slow at completing them. I was on a call with Adrian for the rest of the afternoon. I did the slightest bit of a workout that I could—if you could even call it that. It’s been so long since I last touched my electric guitar. I plugged in the amplifier, adjusted the tuning, and played a couple of songs. It’s good to know that some skills don’t ever leave. I called with Adrian before falling asleep. We were both very sleepy.
I might actually love him. Love in all uppercase. It’s been a while since I last saw my boyfriend, and I’ve tried my best to burn every detail of him into my memory. I like to think I’ve been successful, but just in case one detail slipped my mind, I have another shot at it today. I did a light workout early in the morning. I had time, lots of it. I got to read a couple of pages from my new book too. After going through the steps of my morning routine, I got ready and headed to where we agreed to meet. I missed him a lot. We ran into a few acquaintances and had some small talk. One of them was a guy who seemed to know the two of us, but I regrettably had no idea where I had met him before. I hope I didn’t come off as rude because his familiarity with me registered pretty late in my mind. I was convinced he was just Adrian’s friend. Anyway, we had Japanese cuisine for lunch. We sat beside each other. I think Adrian has had me read almost every time we've been together. In every two chairs, I always prefer to share one with him. That applies to other situations too. I was trying my best to finish my meal while he told me stories he’d accumulated over the past week. I really loved being around him. He’s been very insistent on getting me flowers, but I forbade him. I made a promise a while back that the first boy to ever give me flowers would be the one I’d marry, and so far, I still have yet to receive them. I’m trying to prove something to whoever is handling my cards above. I had to buy over-the-counter prescriptions for my baby brother, so Adrian went with me. Then we sat on a bench by a fountain. With every half of a conversation we had, the sun sank farther until the clouds bled tiny hints of gold, somehow overshadowing the gloomy weather. It began to rain, but I still felt warm. We found shelter and stayed there for a few more minutes. And all that nothing prophetically felt like it could be everything. I knew it would be a memory I’d revisit for a long time. In every consuming way, I am so certain that I love him. Love in both uppercase and lowercase.
My breakfast consisted of The History of England, as narrated by a partial, prejudiced, and ignorant historian, accompanied by my favorite pen and a journal. I wrote my own version of it for today’s analog journal entry, told with very limited and unreliable understanding. It was actually pretty cool. I loved writing and reading about it. I consumed a lot more content than I had originally intended, but I fell too far down the rabbit hole. I was logging my findings, reasonings, and contemplations from 12:29 p.m. to 3:01 p.m. I finished Jane Austen’s book pretty quickly. I gathered that she loved Mary, Queen of Scots, just as much as she despised Queen Elizabeth I. I read another book right after that—Abby Jimenez’s Just for the Summer. I read through it so quickly. I love the book so much. I like how she writes too. I went out with my mom since she had some appointments. I used that time to get a mani-pedi. I loved the person who did my nails. I had some broken nails, so I wasn’t expecting much, but she somehow made it work, and I was absolutely obsessed. I asked for French nails with red tips. I got the usual for my toes (I think girls universally just get white for that). I checked out the bookstore with the extra time I had while waiting for my mom. There weren’t any books that particularly piqued my interest. I picked up a package on our way home. I showered, worked out (a very intense one at that), and got myself ready for bed. I also finished up the friendship bracelet I had been making for Adrian. I had kind of abandoned it for a while because the felt projects had been quite distracting. Adrian did his homework, so I had to entertain myself with other activities. I helped him out a tiny bit too. We started our call around 3:00 a.m. I honestly don’t think it’s possible for me to go to sleep without talking to him for at least a few minutes a day.
I woke up to some disturbance in the force. I heard the distinct sound of my bedroom door opening. It was my mom. She delivered a small piece of information that got me up on my feet to grab my bathroom towels. I had to take a shower and get ready quickly since an electrician was visiting to fix one of the broken light bulbs in my room. I ate breakfast downstairs while reading the same book (Sketchy Doubtful Incomplete Jottings by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe) from yesterday. I finished it right before I took my last bite. It was good. I did some other normal human activities like talking to Sirko. It was short, but I just love all my conversations with her. I sewed up some more felt things. Still the coolest. I went on a call with Ria to play Dress to Impress on Roblox in the afternoon. We were so good. Brie joined in after a little while too. I enjoyed it. After that, I went on another call. Obviously, it was with my boyfriend because I don’t have that many people in my life. He still hasn’t gotten better, but he was very insistent on talking to me. He eventually fell asleep. It was kind of cute. Then I had dinner. My first one, at that. I settled down for a bit, worked out, showered, then had two more completely different meals. They were very heavy too. I went back upstairs into my bedroom and called Adrian. It was for a very short amount of time, but we still somehow talked a lot.
People spoil a lot of words with misuse. They scrape off their meanings. It’s tragic. People delude themselves with empty, stolen words. They talk about things they know nothing about. I am thinking about starting another journal, as if the dozens I have are not enough. I oftentimes enter the semi-hypnotic state of subconsciousness (or daydreaming, as you may). I wish to converse with someone who carries a story. But as I am deprived of that, I will resort to writing some more. I write down each passing thought and observation. I notice sensitively. Everyone is turning into one and the same. It’s boring. I had my orthodontist appointment early this morning. I picked up my baby brother from his school right after. And now all that I’ve been doing is wondering. I started another felt project, so that’s pretty cool. I’ve been reading diaries online too. Time passed by quickly. I ate dinner, showered, read, worked out, and went on my daily call with Adrian. He’s still sick. He shared some pretty cool things about his day. It makes me feel so appreciated how much he shows me off. All his friends have the nicest sentiments about it too. I swear my boyfriend is single-handedly making me feel a lot more confident about myself. He never fails to remind me how beautiful - as he calls it - I am. I’ve been avoiding using any derogatory words about my optical imperfections. I mean, I know I’m not ugly, but I’ve had some issues in the past. At least I never thought of myself as being pretty enough. One thing I’m sure of, though, is that Adrian is genuinely the prettiest boy I’ve ever laid my eyes on. And I’m so serious about it. I have yet to shut up about him since I saw him for the first time. And to date someone like him is enough validation that the chances of me being physically unappealing aren’t as much as I worry them to be.
I am continuing with what I left off on last night. I took a shower, made my own breakfast, then went back to sewing more felt things. I finished the fish bowl I was making from the night before. I cut and sewed some more and made an apple one really quickly. I’m giving that one to Sirko. I made an olive martini for Nefer while I was enjoying my time. These felt projects have been consuming my days whole. I like it. The only other thing I did that didn’t include any felt cloths and threads was working out. I called Adrian on the phone since he was burning up from a fever and couldn’t really stay up late. Our time was cut short, but I still had the best time. He makes me laugh a lot. I really, really like him. After the call ended, I sewed a bit more, then went downstairs a little past midnight to cook myself a full meal.
I waste time so impenitently. My early morning passed by quickly. I had bacon for breakfast, a meal you could never go wrong with. I cooked a single serving, which was for myself, and ate whatever was on the countertop. I consumed an ice cream cone just for the fun of it too. Today contains no stories to tell. I tried to make another friendship bracelet only to be sabotaged by my own obsession with perfection. I started another book again.
While on a call with Adrian, I finally figured out the answer to one of the questions I ask people a lot. The question being: What one phrase would you say if you had the chance to be broadcast through the mass population’s minds? I’d say, “Wake up, you’re not real.” I love chaos. It’s an act in the lines of “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” I don’t wanna dox myself since that’s just making myself a target, and I can’t possibly command brain-dead people since everyone’s just naturally defiant, so with this imposed self-doubt and a bit of fear, sense of urgency, and emancipation, chaos will be brought forth. I think. Anyway, I am writing my diary entries as Adrian is doing some more of his homework. I sewed up new felt projects too.
A thick layer of cloud hangs outside the top of our roof. I was wrapped up in my white throw blanket. I had short recollections of waking up a few hours prior to when I actually regained my senses. I had given Adrian the direction to wake me up after I took an hour-long nap. We both ended up sleeping the whole night through while on call. The weather felt cold. I figured the rain must’ve given us a quick pass while I was sleeping. I finished a book today! It was Ryunosuke Akutagawa’s The Life of a Stupid Man. One line I really liked from it was “Those whom the gods love, die young.” I am convinced that I am a being once cradled by the hands of a god. I am incredibly blessed in multiple aspects, which I will not elaborate on further. But I am grateful. Unlike the author, I have had my own share of success in living life so intensely that I honestly could die at any moment with no regrets. Not that those achievements could be measured by any standardized scaling, I am simply thinking, therefore I am. Cogito, ergo sum or whatever René Descartes wrote. I made another felt project. I can’t exactly name the item, but it is for sure adorable. I did a couple of other errands during the day too. I taught my baby brother a new game, so that was fun. I was finally able to work out again, and I am so glad for that. It felt really nice. Adrian had some homework he needed to finish, so we didn’t talk much. We kept each other on our monitor screens while doing our own things. I was making another felt project. I swear it’s the cutest thing ever.
I feel the impending sickness starting to surface in my body. I have intermittently been feeling nauseous throughout the week. Unfortunately, I needed to do some medical tests. I am scheduled for quite a few requirements. I sat in the waiting room under the sterile white lights of the clinic. I waited for my number to be called, then went through that whole process repetitively for all the tests I needed done. I got my blood drawn, had a chest X-ray, and even got my ears cleaned. The ear cleaning was horrible. I was flinching at everything. It was a loud and uncomfortable experience. I didn’t have the best time when I had blood taken from me either. I get shots and blood extractions fairly often, but the medtech assigned to me was horrible. I mean no offense, but the way she did her job was excessively painful. My arms felt too weak to function. I was sad about the fact that I’d probably have to cancel today’s workout session. When I got home, I showered and put on some Anpanman band-aids where the syringe had made contact with my skin. I rested in my room for a bit, then changed clothes one more time since I still had a few appointments and whatnots left. I drove to the place I needed to be, finished the appointment, checked out the bookstore, and then had dinner with my mom. We ate at a Japanese restaurant. She had ramen and I had fried salmon. It was good. After that, I had to pick up my dad from another place, so I got the car keys and drove there. I didn’t have my glasses, and I’m still not that good at driving in the dark. I have pretty bad astigmatism, so the lights on my line of sight are pretty bad. I ended my day on a call with Adrian again. We played a couple of games, and it was fun.
I had not been expecting today to be a long haul. I received a text from my local bookshop that the Book of Bill I had preordered is now available for pick-up. I rushed to get ready and told my brother about it. Just as he was about to grab the car keys, our parents interrupted us and informed us about the plans they had made for us. My brother and I were both forced into submission and had to abide by what they had laid out. I could not find comfort in the car seats I was in for the time being. I was overwhelmed in the vehicle while the external world was being apprehended. My senses were all over the place. I felt carsick. I haven’t felt that way in a while. Basically, our parents made us sign a bunch of investments under our names. It was cool. I don’t think I can disclose anything more, but it was interesting for sure. As the sun was setting, my brother and I still managed to go to where we originally intended to. We got the book (and a couple more), took some headshots for other documents, and then I got myself yet another bottle of the coconut shake I make sure to always get. To add to that, I did the whole cartoon scene again where I ended up hitting the glass due to my failure in perception. I felt sick after exiting the car. I took a nice long shower and calmed all my nerves down. I did the lightest workout just to get it out of the way too.
I am not as unfeeling as I thought I would be. I had a tiring day, and I thought that would at least numb out any of the sensitivity I have. It’s all cool though. The same girl I mentioned last night, as it appears, has started on her little mission. I didn’t exactly argue with Adrian about it, but I did distance myself for a while. I’m best at processing when alone and undisturbed. I called The Bridge (my friend group with Brie and Tony) to talk about it, and we pulled a bunch of new jokes from that situation. It honestly wasn’t bad. Adrian handled it politely. He was still so nice. He did end up saying sorry. No harm was done; I hope he just thought nothing of it. I was the one who needed to give an apology. The interference of the force was really just more on my end, since my brain has been hardwired to that particular pattern recognition. I don’t like the fact that I don’t have the cleanest slate for relationships. But it’s not like I can undo the past. My words are heavily lacking right now. Maybe in the days to come, I’ll find words for how I feel. Because I definitely recognize my own emotions, I’m just not in my best state to write them down. Nothing to worry about because we patched up eventually after we started talking on Chess.com.
I slept fitfully. But somehow, my body remained heavy until a little past noon. I was stuck in bed, unable to move. I guess my body’s still catching up on sleep. My brother cooked us breakfast. We did the halfsies thing that’s part of the whole unwritten siblings code. I missed doing that. A little after, I had to deal with a few things. I looked after my baby brother too since he didn’t have anyone else to watch over him. I used that time to play the piano since he was sound asleep for the most part anyway. I’ve been reading a book too! The one I’m currently reading is another classic. I spent a bit of time scrolling through Pinterest for more felt designs to work on. My call with Adrian tonight was pretty interesting. I shared with him this little childhood game my brother and I made up a long time ago. We built, or rather, made up the rules as we played, so everything about it was unwritten. It occurred to me when I went to grab it from one of the drawers in my room that I am slowly forgetting the countless worlds we created playing this game. I held it in my hands, blowing out the dust, and that sort of broke my heart a little. It was basically a game inspired by that one Adventure Time episode, Card Wars. It was our favorite thing ever. We just had to make our own makeshift game. I remember each session so vividly as if we literally lived in our imaginations. And it’s cool because it was almost like we were sharing it. I could swear it was real. We used the Card Captor Sakura tarot cards.
Adrian told me about this girl who had been plotting on him. So that sucked. I mean, I love Adrian and I trust him completely. I appreciate whenever he tells me such details since I know all he wants is transparency. And I would a hundred percent do the same. But my roots continue to stunt me. By that, I mean the whole issue with me and jealousy that unwinds at the slightest bit of doubt. I guess the pit in my stomach is formed by my own firm belief that I’m someone replaceable. And no, I don’t actually think that. It’s more of something unconscious from what I’ve previously observed. I am self-sufficient and I like to believe that I am seriously hard to let go of. At least not when you’ve gotten to know me. But it scares me because him, of all people, is someone I’ve been thoroughly open to, and if he does replace me, I might just fall apart. That, and I don’t like the thought of another girl thinking about him.
I’m letting light from my windows come into my room. I’m sewing clothes for my Calico Critter. I’m making her a Padawan outfit. I spent hours making up a pattern for the set I had outlined in my head. I did a handful of prototypes to see which sketch would do it justice. I sewed as carefully as I could. I pricked my fingers multiple times. The thumb definitely took most of the damage. I eventually finished, and I’ve never been more proud of myself. It was so adorable. I showed Adrian my work almost immediately.
My early morning started off with my mind still unconscious. I showered, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth for the second time, then headed for my orthodontist appointment. They installed a bunch of new things inside my mouth. It was cool since they finally let me take off the appliance I’ve been wearing for years now. I don’t even remember what it’s like having so much space in the roof of my mouth anymore. They were also one of the causes of why I’d get sore throats so easily. After that, we inquired at the front desk of the hospital for the health checklists I’m trying to complete for the university I’m going into. They gave us some instructions, and I foresaw quite the busy week for myself. Once that was all dealt with, my mom drove us to get some frappe and flatbread. Obsessed with that order. When I got home, I took another shower and just rested for as much as I could. I sewed! As I mentioned in the first paragraph of this entry. I fixed up my room too. Some Olympics update (or at least one which I care most for): Noah Lyles won the first semis for 200m! Can’t wait for the second one until the finals. I am rooting for him because I swear he’s just worth rooting for. He’s receiving way too much hate. I love how he’s working up the crowd. Anyway, my day was overall pretty cool. I worked out, played with my baby brother, then called Adrian.
I am recovering from last week’s exhaustion. Today felt useless. I kept my eyes shut almost half the day. Adrian called me during one of his breaks. I was still in bed and talked to him with one eye open. Even after the call ended, I refused to leave my bed. Until I eventually had to. I got up and went through my morning routine. Today’s shower was very brief. I've yet to configure my brain's operating system to run. I did some diary entries. I’ve been watching the Olympics too. Noah Lyles has been one of the athletes that caught my attention. He won the 100m, and I am so glad he did. I love how there’s this bit of eccentricity in him. I admire his character a lot, especially when his entire country is preying on his downfall too. I started drawing again. Needless to say, I don’t see my talent in art leaving anytime soon. I finally got to work out again! One thing I dislike about vacations is that they deprive me of such activity. My step count went up, so at least it’s bearable. I have this borderline unhealthy obsession with my gains. Adrian once again accompanied me for the night. We talked like we do, and it was fun. I missed him a lot. He had to study too, so I just let him while I unboxed and played with my new Calico Critters sets.
I retreated to my limitations. I knew not to exhaust myself any further. I didn’t take the extra steps needed to reach the breakfast area of the hotel. I stayed in bed, thinking about the glasses I didn’t get to buy two days ago. As I had just finished dragging myself into getting ready, my baby brother came back to the room with a banana. It was for me - a gesture which meant a lot. We checked out of the hotel and then decided to go around the mall (which was connected to the hotel) one last time. My brother had some free coupons from purchasing something at the Bape store, so we just had breakfast there. He ordered a bunch of other stuff, which still leaves my jaw dropped to this day. I don’t get how he’s able to eat as much as he does. I would honestly not doubt it if he were to tell me he has an entire black hole inside him. I was still in search of a good pair of glasses. After seeing one that fit me so perfectly, it was impossible for it to ever leave my mind. We then went to the airport and went through the whole process. I was inside my own head the entire time. I had a specific genre playing in my earphones. To me, it sounded like SoundCloud rappers who make their music on BandLab and are now gaining a few thousand streams a month. Their lyrics are all somehow about fumbling someone they were once in a relationship with. Pretty interesting. I was so tired. I got back home pretty late. I finally got on that video call with Adrian again, so that was awesome. I missed him a lot.
We could hardly stay long under the sun with the current heat index. It’s our dad’s birthday, which also translates to our baby brother’s day. He’s spoiled; it’s just how it is. So the plan was Disneyland. We followed the train routes going there, and everything went by pretty smoothly. There was this creep on the train with the most cartoonish-looking face. I didn’t speak the country’s language, but I could guess by everyone else clutching their purses that he was harassing literally everyone on the train. There weren’t really any lines in the park. It was cool. The first thing I suggested we do was look for ice cream. My older brother ate everything on the menu (and chugged down two watermelon drinks), my younger brother ate an Inside Out themed popsicle, and I had the classic Mickey Mouse ice cream. Then we went inside a restaurant. We had a whole feast. Our table was filled. I was eating so much. My brother was trying to make me laugh too. We did this game where we would claim an absurd number of bites to finish a dish. I laughed so hard during my show of skill that I got scolded. We did a bunch of other rides too. I might miss some, but I’ll try to remember with the best of my abilities. So we did the Iron Man Experience (where I unluckily got the cart with the broken gun), the Iron Man Tech Showcase, Frozen Ever After (this one was new, so it was awesome), spent some time in the Toy Story area, Mystic Manor, and lastly, a classic—the Big Grizzly Mountain Runaway Mine Cars. It was awesome. My baby brother got this mist item from one of the stores, and I told both my siblings to just spray the water at me. I was drenched at one point. It was all on purpose, though. I snatched the mist shortly after their use and went ham with it. We all had to stop at some place there to change our clothes and everything. It was impossible for me to even take any pictures. I looked so exhausted. Thankfully, all the rains weren’t as long, though. Anyway, we went back home, and the day ended with everyone in the family losing the ability to walk.
No signs of cold air. Not even a gust nor a draft of wind. I saw a truck decorated with superhero figurines on our way to a restaurant that was serving homemade meals. My choice of menu was the duck legs set. It very considerately fueled me for the entire day. We went to the park looking for a playground as per my baby brother’s request. Unfortunately, the weather was not on our side. It was too hot for anyone’s liking. We were forced to locate it anyway since our baby brother’s whims are pretty much absolute. He’s very spoiled. After walking for what felt like all eternity, we resorted to just finding him a toy store. Luckily, Hong Kong’s biggest one was actually really nearby. So we went there.
I am restarting my Sylvanian Families Calico Critters collection. A little backstory: they were my entire life back then. I collected every single set ever made. It was a collection alongside my LPS, Re-Ments, and Tsum Tsums. I was obsessed with them. Every time we’d move houses, I’d be sure to pack them up first. That was until this most recent move when all of that suddenly disappeared. I have not let go of their disappearance since. I look for them almost every month whenever I am reminded of their existence. I mean, I had their biggest dollhouse and everything.
I know you didn’t ask, but here’s a little haul: I got the Refrigerator Set (KA-422), Kitchen Stove Sink Set (KA-420), and Country Home Furniture Set (WE-194). Once my baby brother’s temper tantrums were resolved, we went back to the hotel, put all the toys my baby brother bought (which were a lot), and headed for the train station. We went to Mongkok. The place was pretty cool but very hot. I bought new clothes, so that was fun. They were all such pretty pieces too. We ate there, found a really cool toy collector place, and my dad and brother had a field day there. I was with my mom. I made a joke about Inside Out while they were shopping for my baby brother’s clothes, and I made the whole family laugh. Then, just before leaving and taking the train back, I found myself picking up a pair of glasses. I knew it when I saw it. They fit me so perfectly that, for the first time in my history of trying out eyeglasses, I actually loved them. Sadly, I couldn’t process this greatness fast enough and left them behind. We went back to our place, rested for a bit, went out again for dinner (I had Pepper Lunch, and it was so good), and then called it a day. Before that, though, I had to text Sirko that I had just learned the valuable lesson of hesitation and regret.
I skipped out on sleep. I had an early flight, so I didn’t really have much of a choice. I stayed up on call with Adrian last night too. It was all good until my baby brother started getting on my nerves. I was too tired to deal with all that, so I was pretty deadpan the whole day. Adrian tried talking to me for a while while I was waiting to board. It was kind of sweet that he interrupted his REM cycle to talk nonsense with me. We got to the airplane, and my baby brother continued being annoying. He was kicking me the whole flight. He’s never been the type to listen. I forgot to mention, but we’re actually staying in Hong Kong for a week. So now that we have that context out of the way, we arrived there and I went full-on autopilot. I quickly learned our routes and took everyone to the hotel by train. We walked a lot too. We were kind of lost at first since they were fighting over directions, and I just couldn’t bother joining in. After more walking, they all decided to ask me where to go, and we finally ended up where we were supposed to be - literally an hour or so ago. We did get some assistance from a staff member who worked at the hotel too. I’ve always been in charge of navigation for as long as I can remember. What was the whole point of all that? We rested for a bit, then ate out. We looked at a bunch of stores too. It was pretty cool. My mom got me some cold tea to sip on, so there’s that. I felt so unwell. I was so drained that any attempt at a conversation with me would be met with some gibberish mumble. I had this whole vow of silence thing. I cried twice today. Like actual sobbing with continuous tears rolling down my face kind of crying. The first time was right before our plane landed, then the second time was a bit petty when my brother did the thing he always does again. It’s this coincidental sibling thing where we have objects that are switchable positioned right next to each other. For example, this often happens with our water bottles, and each time we leave our sight off of them, we confuse them for each other since we somehow always end up drinking just the same amount, so the waters perfectly align themselves. Now this happened with our wired earphones. I guess it was the confusion and using more of my brain to try and figure out which one was mine that completely tipped me off the edge. I swear I’m not this low with my reasons for crying. I was tired, that’s it. My brother and I even laughed off the fact that I started bawling my eyes out for no reason.
My desperation for food got the best of me last night. As I was brought back to my senses, waking up from a semi-horrible slumber, I was faced with a bad case of tummy ache. My digestive system was definitely fighting for its life during my sleep. I took my morning shower and decided to skip breakfast. The sight of food was something I did not look forward to. There was also this slight problem in my room that I had to deal with. It concerned the post-its stuck on my wall and the mixture of water staining their residency up there. I had to get a rag and some alcohol spray to clean that up. Once that was over, I just followed my routine. I started a new anime! I’m still working on the same friendship bracelets I was working on yesterday. I multitasked that with watching Yona of the Dawn. I packed my things just before going to bed. I worked out, called Adrian, all the same.
I try my best to abstain from bad habits. While waiting for the felt I ordered the other day, I decided I could waste my unoccupied time with another old hobby I’ve acquired in the past: making alpha friendship bracelets. It’s a pretty nice skillset. It’s tedious, but the process itself is enjoyable. My knowledge of it has undergone a reboot from the very distant time I attempted doing one of these. I had some rust in the wiring of this skill. Luckily enough, it took me just a couple of videos to relearn what I had forgotten. I ate very heavily with all my meals today. I had some donuts and a cookie too on top of all that. I’m still very consistent with my daily workouts, so I guess that makes up for it. Not that any of that even matters since I’ve been trying to gain weight but have been unable to for the longest time. Adrian called during the afternoon. I used that time to multitask on building my house in our Minecraft world. I started a new anime too. I needed something to occupy my time while I was making the friendship bracelets.
I am definitely going through yet another hibernation phase. I spent more hours unconscious than conscious today, but it just made so much sense. I’d be a lot more concerned if I were to skip naps this summer - probably the last time I’ll have the chance to get some proper rest anyway. It’s Adrian’s first day at his college. We didn’t talk much. We called at the end of the day, right when he was about to sleep, since he insisted on it. I’m surprisingly not stressing about it too much. Hypothetically, I’ve already figured that we’d still be alright and adapt accordingly while remaining the same, even with the distance and the inevitability of upcoming workloads. I functioned on autopilot pretty much the whole day. I did finally order the felt things I’ve been wanting for this new hobby I want to start, and I am so thrilled. Also, I got like a hundred new followers on Instagram since the new university I’m going to asked for everyone’s handle, and I obviously gave mine out. I need to start my networking early if I honestly want to survive.
I want to stay with him for as long as he’d let me. Him, being my boyfriend. Harvard’s Grant Study, which is also the longest-running study on human happiness, has consistently found that relationships are strongly correlated with well-being. Over nearly a decade, researchers observed the lives of 268 Harvard students across generations and concluded that the key driver of happiness is the development of meaningful relationships. With this in mind, I could claim to be the happiest at this very moment, but a snapshot or glimpse of any other moment could be misleading. It’s difficult to determine if one has lived a truly happy life based on fleeting instances alone. I might start off well-adjusted, then mess everything up and end up dying lonely and sad. But, I mean, over the long haul, I genuinely think I've found the company worth investing in. The analyzed data basically tells us that “the only thing that really matters in life is your relationships with other people.” While I might argue otherwise, statistics often don’t lie. As it indicates, relationships are the strongest predictor of a happy life. I want to live happily. Knowing my boyfriend is honestly a curse. Now I’m haunted by the fact that if we don’t keep up whatever it is that keeps us going, I might end up as the sadder part of the statistics.
I had a lot of time this morning. I woke up earlier than usual. It was weird, but I figured it must’ve been the nerves. Not that it was anything uncomfortable, I was probably just excited, like a little kid who sleeps beside her outfit the day before a field trip. I had time to work out, so I did. I had to since I knew I’d be too tired when I got home. It was raining fairly hard. I got to where he asked me to meet, and he looked really good. As he always does. I’m only stating observations. We sat down momentarily to figure out what to do, but everything eventually fell into place. It felt so natural being with him, almost like the comfort I feel whenever I’m with Sirko. We looked around for felt. He remembered how I told him I was looking for some yesterday. It was still very unsuccessful. During this hunt for felt, he complained about how I never initiate a kiss. So I gave him one. I was barely recollecting this, but I had to write it down because he told me afterward that it was one of his favorite kisses he’s ever received from me. For documentation purposes, that did happen. He’s like the sweetest guy ever. We went around everywhere. We ended up in some toy section at one point again. I swear I might just be stunted in maturity. We went to a cafe. I had Biscoff. Again. I haven’t in a while. Then we went to the bookstore. We ate at KFC before separating. We had lots of conversations. I’ll keep them safely in my memories. It sucks that our time together is always so limited. He was with me for a bit on my car ride back. He sadly had to go at his stop. I wish I could’ve just locked the doors and, in the most legal way, made him stay. I got back home and took a shower just to go straight on a call with Adrian again. It’s practically impossible to get sick of him. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever get enough even in a gazillion more lifetimes.
I’m running some errands with my brother. I equipped myself with my usual drink, a coconut shake, while going about our list of things to do. We ate too. My brother ate three times as much as I did. He claims to have evolved his stomach or something. He blames life in university. We visited the bookstore first, where we preordered The Book of Bill. It just came out! I got myself a new journal too, so that was really awesome. We searched all over for some felt paper, and finally, my brother got a haircut. One of my old friends came across me at the mall and called out to say hi. It was a cute interaction. We went home, and I caught my breath before grabbing the keys to drive out again. I went to our other house with my mom to retrieve some of the old sewing materials. After returning, I showered, and then played Until Then with Adrian again. We ended our call for a bit to do our routines. I ate, worked out, then simply went back to our call. We continued playing Minecraft! My builds are the cutest thing ever.
My vanity concerns me a lot. When the first thing I see in the mirror is something undesirable, I let it take over me completely. I look terrible, therefore I will feel terrible. And that will last for as long as I see the same image looking back at me. The skies are continuing to pour. I’m glad that I could stay at home. I spent the first half of my day trying to reteach my baby brother the math lessons I had just taught him. As it appears, his memory retention might not be the best. He was pretty frustrated with himself. I’ll try my best to shape him up before his school starts. I stayed inside my room for a while, writing in my journal after that. I fixed my room too. I compiled some old letters I found in my special drawer and put them in my memory box along with my "Dear Future Me" letters. I opened a new book that has been sitting on my shelves for quite some time. It was The Life of a Stupid Man by Ryunosuke Akutagawa, part of the Penguin Little Black Classics. I read that for a bit. I ate dinner, worked out, then tricked my baby brother into learning a new math lesson. My body was so heavy during the workout. I can’t figure out what exactly was making me feel like I had so much weight on me. But anyway, I called with Adrian, and we played Until Then for a bit. Then we started a Minecraft world. We kind of just messed around since the seed we spawned at was atrocious, and we both ended up toggling "Enable Cheats" and going into Creative. That was after all our hard work trying to tame this one fox went to waste.
I did an IQ test. My brother made me take it. It was easy. If you asked me to take another one right now, which I just did, I’d get a perfect score. I mog everyone’s IQ score. Excuse my brain rot language, but I speak the truth. Also, I know I’m going to look back at this entry and cringe, but my frontal lobe has yet to develop, and I really can’t help but adapt with the vocabulary of the present. I am still a teenager, after all. I went out with my family today. It’s still raining. We watched Despicable Me 4. It was good. I’m glad cinemas haven’t died out yet. With all the new streaming platforms available in the comfort of everyone’s home, you’d think people would just choose to stay in. I mean, I refuse to believe that it’s only a matter of time before that business gets entirely replaced. It’s like the whole thing with DVDs all over again. Anyway, movies produced by Illumination Entertainment are more often than not received pretty poorly by critics. Their usual goal is to appeal to the masses and be over-commercialized. It works pretty well financially, so I can’t really argue with something that works. But it does lead to some state of mediocrity. They’re good at the cash grab and maximizing profit, and it makes sense since they wouldn’t be able to produce anymore if they took the losing bet of making quality movies no kid would even care for. Anyway, we got fries and popcorn before the movie started. I bought some buffalo wings for takeout to eat at home too. I played the guitar for a bit, showered, worked out, then called Adrian.
The loud rain is muting all everyday noises. I like it. It’s comforting. I do acknowledge the privilege I have, knowing I find convenience in what others would consider a catastrophic disaster. But I can’t help it. I can’t light myself on fire to keep others warm, not when they’re miles away and could honestly not care less if I lived or died myself. I look forward to the smell of wet pavements. I really, really like the rain. I’m working on more verses for this short rapper phase I’m having. How am I actually good at everything I do? I was just playing too. I swear I have the genes of a god. I have the inherent talent for everything. And if you’ve been reading my diary for long enough, you’d know that. I played Until Then with Adrian for a chunk of today. We’re one chapter away from the first ending. I did a very light workout, played with my baby brother, continued with my night routine, and just lived as I do every day.
Summer is a time to catch up on some sleep. At least that was my original plan. My slumber has been getting disturbed by plans I never even made. Sleeping in is something I wish I could do. It’s raining - like a full-on thunderstorm. I had to go to my orthodontist appointment first thing in the morning. I was supposed to drive myself there, but I was running late and couldn’t find my driver’s license. Today’s braces adjustment was as painful as the last. Tragic. My mom did a couple of errands before driving us back home, and we spent some time in the car eating drive-thru food because we genuinely couldn’t get out. We tried waiting for the rain to calm down for a bit. When I got home, I took a nice hot shower, painted my nails (possibly my coolest set yet), showered once more, then actually worked on my diss track. I finished the whole thing very quickly. It’s actually up on BandLab. It’s called Opps Ong. I swear it’s not anything serious and it’s a total shitshow. Still funny nonetheless. While I was doing all that, my boyfriend played with my baby brother. They’re like actual best friends now. Then, of course, we just did all the usual - talked for hours - before calling it a day.
I’ve eaten an entire week’s worth of carbs in one single meal. Today’s breakfast had me full. Taking this into account, one would assume that I’d have more than enough energy to function for the whole day. I was mistaken. I had the worst battles with my fatigue. My old best friend swiped up on a story of my boyfriend I posted on my Instagram. Good to know we’re still cool. I read for the majority of today. My mom made me an avocado shake. It was great. I played Until Then for a while with Adrian too. We took a break from our call and did our routines. I showered, worked out, read some more until I finished the whole book, continued reading a different book, then went on call with Adrian again. Before that, though, I may have succumbed to the rapper flow. By that I mean that I was on BandLab cooking something again. I gave my friend a suggestion that we should make diss tracks as a little joke. I started ahead and the bars were just flowing out of my ink onto my notebook. I did a single verse before calling it a night with Adrian.
I am in a constant debate with myself. My mind wants to achieve a lot, but my body often refuses it. Most often, if not all days, I feel the need to fix myself. As if I’ve never lived a day without being broken. Like there was always something to repair. Now in theory, that should be a good thing since it’s really a chance to improve myself in many aspects. But it gets tiring. To make it clear, I am not throwing a pity party. I just get this sense of discontentment sometimes. It usually goes away, then comes back again after a few. But my ungratefulness is hard to ignore. I am so hypercritical of my emotions. I feel for every insignificant detail. I pick on myself. I don’t get it. I had a muffin for breakfast and felt this nauseating feeling. I might be sick. I ignored it. I sat down with my baby brother and helped him with math. He was quick to catch on. I taught him how to add numbers faster. He was very proud of himself once he got the hang of it. I was proud of myself too. My baby brother is well known for his stubbornness when it comes to studying. After a rapid round of more math questions, I watched Toy Story 2 with him. But then I started feeling sick again. I went to my room, wrote a bunch of pages in my journal, and calmed myself down. There was this one singular torn piece of loose paper in the insert of my journal, which I taped back in its place. That action somehow made me a tiny bit happier. I don’t quite understand why it did, but I do know it reminded me of my childhood. I wrote more diary entries, then watched a couple more YouTube videos. I worked out, showered, called Adrian, and even played another game of chess with him. He’s really good at what he does. I’ve met a handful of people who claim chess as their personality, none of whom ever impressed me. But Adrian did. His Elo honestly speaks for itself too.
Started my morning late, an hour past noon. I took a shower, ate breakfast, then played Until Then with Adrian. It was a game my brother recommended, and he claimed that it was a highly accredited game. I have so much appreciation for well-made games as someone who develops them too. I make all my games from scratch and am literally my own team. Whenever I see a good game, I just stare in awe. This game had such a well-written storyline, good graphics, animations, the details in everything were insane, and everything was just so smooth. But yeah, it was good. I streamed it for Adrian for the whole afternoon. We had a little break and both slept for a pretty long time. At least I did. I slept for five whole hours. It was supposedly a nap, but I found myself paralyzed each time I opened my eyes. After a while, I got up, showered, then worked out. Like any other day, I went on my daily video call with Adrian.
I got my driver’s license!
I rolled out of bed against my will. I don’t think I got a single hour of sleep, and my body might actually be deteriorating. But it’s fine. I showered and took about 3 spoonfuls of breakfast before heading out. The rest of the day was mostly spent waiting. To occupy my time, I started a new book. I read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Self-Reliance and Other Essays. I took a bunch of notes. The process of acquiring my driver’s license, along with my brother’s, was actually sped up, but we still spent a pretty long time waiting for our numbers to be called. We got home pretty late. I was so exhausted. I took the longest shower ever. To tell you a little detail about me, I actually wash my phone each time I go out. I use literal soap and water to do so, with caution and care. But it’s the germaphobic side of me from when I was a kid that never left. Then I ate dinner, worked out, and rested for a short while. The next thing I knew, I’d already been playing Valorant with Brie for about 2 hours. My aim was a lot better, but getting my game sense back is something I’m still working on. My baby brother came into my room, and when I told him I was busy, he asked if he could play with Adrian instead. So I gave my boyfriend a call, and they just talked, I guess. After I got off the call with Brie, I went back to Adrian and spent the rest of the night talking. We played a couple of chess games and made fun of this hardstuck guy. I mean, Adrian could definitely say anything. He’s at fourteen hundred Elo, which is really impressive, considering he’s only recently gotten back into playing chess. It’s only a matter of time until he climbs the ranks back up. We fell asleep around 5 AM again, like we did yesterday. We are both incredibly sleep-deprived.
I can’t put my pen down. I try to consume as much of everything as I can. I want to be able to write down every passing thought and observation. If I were to give up literacy, I’d let all reading mock me. If I really were as relatively decent a writer as I claim, I wouldn’t have even one entry completely blank. I still have one last entry that I haven’t touched for a few weeks now. I’m scared of my articulation failing me. I’m trying to give myself a bit of a pep talk to finish that one up right after I finish today’s. But that aside, let me catch you up to my current day. I woke up still having the same soreness on the right-hand side of my shoulder from last night. Nevertheless, I still slept well. I haven’t felt rested for a while now. I had my breakfast while discussing a couple of gibberish conversations with my baby brother. I told him about the amount of toys that I used to have, which could really only fit in a box. I told him about the importance of caring for your toys and not disposing of them after one use. See, my baby brother grew up spoiled. While I literally only had a boxful, my baby brother’s toys would require exponentially more boxes. So I made him watch Toy Story. He actually really enjoyed it. I gave Adrian a call midway through the movie too. Now my baby brother is convinced his toys move whenever he’s not looking. After the movie, I ate lunch and got ready for bed early. I did my diary entries, read, worked out, then called Adrian. We played Speed Draw on Roblox, and I looked like I was cheating. I couldn’t play with kids anymore. It was unfair.
I played more Valorant with Brie all morning since I had gotten up. I made sure to fuel up right before it. I had some good and bad games, but the last one was enough to put myself in time out. My performance was so incredibly poor.
I cleaned my room, sweeping up every speck of dust from every corner. I changed my bedsheets, pillowcases, and everything else that keeps me warm at night, then rearranged my stuffed toys. I'm pulling out a new set of toys from the bin for rotation and putting them above my bed frame. I cleaned my desk area, picked out new pens to put in my clear pen holder since I plan on writing a lot more, and organized everything to where I see fit. I dyed my hair blue too! I can never let the manic pixie dream girl in me die. I did mess up a bit since I went in blind with dyeing my hair and trusted my past experiences. I didn’t read any instruction manuals, mixed everything in my hands with no bowls, eyeballed everything, and just hoped for the best. I wrote my diary entries, worked out, and then called Adrian.
I am deficient in everything food. I have not eaten since yesterday. I have been unconsciously skipping all my meals. Just to clarify, I am far from unwell. My mind has simply been preoccupied with other concerns about my time and how I’ve been distributing it. The amount of time I spend thinking about how to properly plan my day to align with scheduled tasks is overwhelming. I had a call with Adrian in the afternoon. He played a game of Episode with me on my iPad. He was much more stressed out than I was. I had to run errands and cut our video call short, telling him we’d continue it later. I went to the grocery store with my baby brother. He had his own cart and was picking out snacks of all kinds. I grabbed ingredients for a dish I had been craving and might cook sometime soon. After that, it occurred to me that I was in fact hungry, and got ramen for dinner. I also bought a new book! When I got home, I played some songs on the piano and then picked up my guitar. Suddenly, I was crying and needed an ice pack. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, I’ll always be troubled. Like severely messed up in the head. The moon was casting a shadow that made me look desperate, as if I badly needed a conversation with the stars that have never once aligned for me. The guilt threatened to choke. It was a good pre-workout. I got back on track and did my full workout routine. I doubled the amount of my usual reps. I called Adrian, we continued our game from where we left off, and chatted a bit more.
Fit to write nothing. Later, much later; I pushed everything aside. Some time this week, or maybe the following after. I had much time on the palm of my hands today, that which I had decided not to use. I FaceTimed Sirko for the entirety of the former part of my day. We have yet to have our usual long conversations for quite a while now. It’s been months. She did her nails while I filled her in with whatever new anecdotes I had. She did the same while I sat and listened. We were making the funniest comments ever and started a whole new inside joke (with her sister included) about things being casual. Because nothing really ever is casual. After the call ended, I decided to just rest for the day. I skipped my meals and even my workout. I was really set on not doing anything for the day. I did read a couple of pages of my new book. I love it so much. The night went on as it does routinely, ending everything with Adrian on the phone.
It was a clear but busy day. We met up with my dad’s side of the family and went to a buffet restaurant. I found a seat in the far corner with my cousins of a similar age. I grabbed a plate of high-protein food and chatted with them. It’s been a while. I’m naturally a cynic and tend to keep my guard up, but I still enjoyed the time. I’m not a kid anymore, and that’s a tough realization. It was sad greeting my closest cousin with just a fist bump, acknowledging how much time has passed and how we’ve all grown apart. Afterward, we took my baby brother to a candy museum, which was fun. I was with my older brother too. They handed out free food in each section, but I wished they had provided water as well. Everything was so sweet. My baby brother interacted with everything he could. We spent the most time in the bounce house area, played racing games, and reminisced about an old playhouse we used to visit weekly. We brought our baby brother there and had to wait in line while our mom bought tickets and socks. I had many complaints: the new rules allowed too many adults with each child, which crowded the area, and they removed some of the parts that made the playhouse fun. It was no longer enjoyable. Although fun for a child, it wasn't the same. I suppose I have to accept that. My older brother and I split the time chasing our baby brother. I was exhausted, sweating profusely, and wanted to mention without context that children are insatiable. When I got home, I took the longest shower I could. I was drained but still managed to work out, as I couldn't skip that. And of course, I called Adrian before finally settling in for the night.
I tossed and turned the whole night through. I was under the assumption that I’d be able to fall asleep instantly as soon as I got off my game. My predictions were wrong. The uncomfortable feeling of fatigue will haunt me , and I should suffer the consequences of my own actions. It all makes sense. My brother abruptly opened my door, telling me to get ready. I made no protests. I showered, ate a very heavy breakfast, and got in the car. We just had to comply with some documents and such for the encoding of our driver’s license. My brother and I should be able to claim it about a week from now. I can’t wait. I also can’t wait to go to sleep. I tried catching some sleep in the car, but it only made my head hurt even more. When I got home, I filmed a little joke for our group chat, sent it to them, then took a shower. It felt nice. Instead of sleeping, I decided to continue my redeveloping Valorant addiction. I texted Brie, and we started playing. I miss our duo a lot. After that, I took a break from the game and ate carbonara. I read a few pages of my book too. I let my baby brother play in my room, did a very light workout, showered, and then called Adrian.
I left my bed unmade. I got up to take my morning shower and then make myself breakfast. There really never is such a thing as a boring day. Not when you’re a conscious being. My most interesting pages were written on the emptiest days. I worry about perception most days. When I find it hard to share certain aspects of my life, I write in vague terms and riddles. I plan on finishing up some of the things I’ve been writing. I am incredibly grateful to have this day all to myself. If I had one more day spent outside, I’d lose it. I’ve been desperately needing a whole factory reset on all aspects of me.
I have my hair pushed back with clips I use whenever I’m getting ready. I feel clean. I am functioning in my ideal state. So I wrote and looked for a new book. I had quite specific plots in mind that I made sure to find. A few recommendations from YouTube videos later, I found my book. I settled on The Divine Rivals by… It was actually pretty good. I got to read a decent amount of it before doing all the other things I do in a day. As I consistently do, I ate dinner, worked out, showered, and, to add something different, I invited Brie for a round of Valorant. That act was probably the start of a few tweaks in my routine. I played Valorant with her, encountering a few personalities. I lost my aim and slowly regained it, but I was doing a lot better considering everyone else was actually just horrible at the game. I thought I would’ve lost my touch with the game. It’s been a few years—probably about three since I’ve last played seriously. We played until Adrian got home, and I accompanied him for a while. He was drunk. He was a talkative drunk. I really liked it since he’s never really been the type to talk much. He had the truth serum on and just kept talking. It was cute. I made him go to sleep and then continued playing Valorant with Brie.
I look at nothing. I am waiting as if the wall could fix things for me, as if it were sentient and capable of making decisions. But I am on my own. Everything could be so simple, but I always find ways to complicate it. I pretend a lot. I disappear when I’m wanted. I’m never there when I’m needed. I have little to no shots at ever understanding myself. The air was tense. It was suffocating. I had my orthodontist appointment early in the morning. It gave me some time to avoid my current qualms and distract me from the truth of the matter. I got home, and while taking yet another shower, I heard a notification. The notification muted the Weezer song I was playing in full volume for a quick second. I saw Adrian’s name, and instead of my heart dropping, I felt relieved. He sent me a block of text apologizing. He hadn’t even done anything wrong. We both agreed that we were immature and let jealousy take over our conversation, and we easily patched things up. His message was so cute. He told me he couldn’t stand the fact that another guy had ever made me smile, and it hurt him a little. We texted for a bit until we eventually went on a video call. He watched me read for the entire day. I was on my last few chapters of Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Express. I still had my detective board, and I was slowly chipping away at creating my theories. My red string didn’t have the most cohesive links, but it actually made so much sense in the end. I went off the call with Adrian for a bit. We did our routines. I had to eat, work out, and shower. He did the same. Getting back, I saved the last chapter and solved the book together with Adrian. I explained to him everything I knew and all that I had deducted. My first theory was that they were all in on it. It was such a wild guess, but it made so much sense in my head. Or well, I wasn’t exactly guessing. I had the whole narrative down. My second theory, which is the one I led with, was that the mystery-wagon lit uniform dude was all made up because they came from two testimonies that could have just been lies. So that put my suspicions on Hildegard, the maid, and the fake detective Masterman. My third theory was that the Italian dude and the alert were covering for each other because their physiques and alibis worked against them. I had the same theory for the princess, Miss Debenham, and the maid. I had many more theories that connected the suspects. I was leading with the idea that it was highly probable they were simply vouching for each other. Adrian can confirm that I've had all these initial guesses for a while. I locked in with my second theory because I was so sure that the man in the wagon-lit uniform did not exist. I read the last chapter aloud for Adrian to hear. He was rooting for my first theory. He ended up being right. Everything just made sense. My detective board not having a single suspect where all red strings linked up made sense. In my past attempts at solving Agatha’s murder mysteries, I’d usually have a prime suspect. This one was messy. Adrian reassured me that I still technically solved it since I wrote in my notebook that my number one theory was that they were ‘All in on it’ verbatim. He said that I just went into detail on everyone’s possible associations, and that alone was impressive. I know he’s my boyfriend and all, but I still find it so crazy that he shows this much interest in everything I talk about. We had our usual debriefing of our days before going to sleep.
I’ve been so busy recently that a full day at home, completely untroubled, feels like a distant memory of the ages. Not being able to take a proper rest day for weeks is almost comparable to having wet socks - it’s incredibly uncomfortable, but I’ll just have to wait it through. I woke up early since I had to go to my university and submit a bunch of requirements. I showered and fixed myself up since I needed to get my school ID taken, too. I had my breakfast very quickly and then headed off. The process was simple enough. My mom accompanied me inside the campus. She sat on a bench while I waited in a bunch of lines and tried my best not to profile anyone, as that would be rude. The majority of my time was spent seated, waiting for my number to be called. I was texting with Adrian to pass the time. It honestly wasn’t that bad. I found out that school for me starts literally two months from now, so that was good to hear. I got my ID picture taken, lined up for a few more things, and then went home. I was unfortunately too tired for anything else and did all my routine tasks very slowly. I played with my baby brother, ate dinner, worked out, and did exactly what I do every single day. I went on a call with Adrian while babysitting my baby brother. I sent my baby brother off to bed when it hit his bedtime. Adrian and I talked for the rest of the night. He was telling me lores all the while provoking me the whole day. It was funny until I don’t even know what got to me, but we ended up going to bed on bad terms. I still love him, though. I think I was just tired. I really don’t know what was going on inside my head at that time. Maybe it was jealousy talking. I don’t even know anymore. I really don’t.
I wish I were some kind of raconteur. I talk but not as expressively as I’d ever dream of being. See, I fear perception. I don’t want to be perceived because it leads to worrying about being misunderstood. So, I must have subconsciously figured that I shouldn’t share too much, especially not in my preferred manner of speaking. I’d only make myself a subject for picking, so I stopped sharing altogether. That was until I met Adrian. He seems to show all the interest in the world in absolutely anything I talk about. It’s hard to believe sometimes. I’ve given him updates about all the books I’ve been reading recently, and he remembers all of them almost without fail. I got out of bed, showered, and then had my breakfast while continuing to read the Penguin Little Black Classic's The Anecdotes of the Cynic. I loved everything about it. I finished it at the same time I finished my bowl of cereal. I made sure to tell Adrian all about it the moment I finished. It was a really good book that delivered just as it had promised on the back cover. Anyway, I decided that I still wasn’t full and cooked myself a second breakfast. I had some nuggets. After that, I got ready for my last practical driving lesson. Today’s instructor wasn’t the best. He was sort of stiff and, although nice, I felt like he had some kind of superiority complex. That’s the best way I can describe it. He kept hitting the brakes, which made sense, but I swear I had everything under control. It was also raining for the first half of the lesson. The water droplets were in the way, and the wiper was only making visibility worse. I somehow still managed to drive, though. I was very exhausted when I got home. I helped my baby brother with some levels on his Plants vs Zombies game and had dinner. Our mom cooked it, and it was really good. I took my shower as I always do, signed and filled out a bunch of documents I need for my university requirements submission tomorrow, and then worked out. For the rest of the evening, I called Adrian. We played a few games: Pokémon Showdown, Othello, Battleships, Checkers, and of course, Roblox
I have one last requirement to collect from my old high school before I can finally confirm my enrollment at the university I will be attending. It was a bittersweet feeling. I knew it was going to be the last time I’d be setting foot in the school where I had spent over a quarter of my life. I don’t wish to hold on to anything but a few select memories. I don’t regret anything if it means becoming the person I am now. When I got home, I had lunch, then played with my baby brother. I did my makeup just for the fun of it, then took a shower. I stayed in my room after that. And then I was frozen. It was a tough scene. I was dead cold, just going through my phone as if I had nothing better to do. It was a conscious act. My will to get out of such depressing state was too insufficient. It was like that for a while. I tried snapping out of it by writing in my journal. That worked well enough. I did my entries and gathered some words and phrases I could add to my vocabulary. I ate dinner, worked out, then called Adrian. We talked about a book I had been reading just before I started my call with him. It was the Penguin Little Black Classic's The Anecdotes of the Cynic. It was great to see some of Diogenes’ stories in the book. I had to share them with Adrian. We had already talked about Diogenes in a different context in one of our past conversations, so it was cool. He told me some stories he knew about him too. Then I introduced Adrian to my favorite board game of all time! We played Othello together. I had my win guaranteed before we even started playing. I remain undefeated.
My eyes were puffy. The prime suspect for this was the very interrupted sleep I had. The situation was worsened by my having gone on my phone before attempting to sleep through the night. I was restless. Sleeping in another house was proving to be quite a challenge. Both of my friends got up, and I was stalling time so I could lie down for a bit longer. I was no longer used to waking up so early. But I had to suck it up and actually start functioning. I brushed my teeth and ordered breakfast for everyone. Sine washed the remaining dishes, I cleaned up the house, and then Louise took out the trash. It was a good system. Louise was the first to leave. Sine was going to get dropped off on the way to my other house since I was going to pass by her house anyway. We waited for a little over an hour. To fill that time, she introduced me to this new K-drama. I watched about 4 episodes today. Anyway, my parents picked us up and dropped Sine off. When I got home, I ate another full meal and then took a pretty long shower. I texted with Sirko too! After that, I slept for a while. I was tired. My mom texted me asking if I could drive her. I did. We went by a couple of places and ran a bunch of errands. I successfully completed my first overtaking maneuver. I also probably aggravated some other drivers due to how slow I was going at certain times. I had to switch with my mom when it got dark and we had to switch to the main roads because the lights were blinding. I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t have my glasses with me, and I unfortunately suffer from astigmatism, so it worsened the effect of the lights. We got some drive-thrus, went home, ate with my siblings, read with my baby brother, and then showered again. I wrote in my journal, fixed some things, and then worked out before calling Adrian.
You could try reaching out to me via a smoke signal. I think it’s great that I have friends. I do not have any enemies (that I know of), and I am pretty much at peace with just about everything. I am politely completing the overdue hangouts with a couple of friends I may or may not have cut off from my life recently. It’s really not anything personal. I feel like I’m just checking off some missions and tasks before I entirely let go of them. I hate people, and I’m not even trying to hide that fact. But apparently, that’s just the world’s best-kept secret. It’s either that or maybe people just see through my nonexistent intentions. Because quite frankly, I really could not care less about other people.
So, I took care of a bunch of things this morning. I got some documents notarized, visited the hospital to ask for their drug testing schedule, and then went to the supermarket to get a couple of items with my mom. I grabbed myself those popcorn bags too. After that, I got home and packed my things for the sleepover that I was hosting for my friends. This whole thing has been a recurring plan in that friend group for almost a year now. I arrived around the same time Sine and Louise did. We put all our things down inside the house, then went out to play badminton. Unfortunately, the courts were full, and we were forced to go back. The car ride was still fun and it definitely broke the ice, so I don’t think I’d consider even a single second wasted. We caught up with some recent gossip and just checked up on each other. We went back home and set ourselves up a place to optimize whatever activities we planned on doing. We hung out indoors while waiting for the rain to die down. Once it did, we went out to buy snacks, noodles, and soju. We eventually cooked those, then went live and did some mukbang. It was funny. We did karaoke too! I finally got to do Valeria again after such a long while. We ordered food again for dinner and ate some more. We were just doing whatever we wanted to do. It got pretty late, and we finally settled on watching a horror movie to fit the occasion. It just made sense. I did try my best to stop them from playing anything scary, but the majority of the votes were against it otherwise. So we started watching. We had to pause it midway to brush our teeth before we all got too scared to even move from our spots. I called Adrian while that was happening. We finished the movie, and I’d just say it was very average. Louise caught something in his eye and told us it was hurting, so I racked up my brain and boiled him water so he could steam it off. My thought process was that the steam should bring moisture and reduce his dry eyes. I had ice on my face too. That’s just because I was picking my skin from stressing over the movie we were watching. It was all good though. After a while, the redness I got from whatever I did went down very quickly, and it was like nothing even happened. Louise passed out immediately. Sine and I just fooled around a bit more. We were so loud. We were laughing at literally everything, and Louise was just deep asleep. Snoring even. We both eventually went on our phones until we fell asleep too
The skies are clear, and just the right amount of sunlight is casting through the gaps in the blinds of my room. The day’s pretty. I can be negative and be able to afford it. I still worry about the things outside of my scope of practice. Someone please spare me a little bit of ignorance. It would be the biggest favor ever. I know too little of something I wish I hadn’t known at all. I wish I didn’t have to fake being stupid. I started my day with a call from Adrian. We picked up from the last conversation we could recollect from last night. I originally had plans to go out and fix some documents needed for college, but there was a sudden downpour, and I was unable to execute that initial task. I decided to use that time to do something else instead. I did my nails! I made possibly the best set of nails I have ever made. It’s definitely right above that one Shaun the Sheep nail art I did months ago. I played with my baby brother for a while too. Not very productive, but then again, my routine has been so perfect that any day will always be productive for me. And speaking of that productivity, I had my lunch, took a shower, and then worked out. Adrian and I watched another rom-com! We watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It was good. I definitely would’ve cried if it weren’t for those jump scares.
I think I’m going through some kind of transition. I feel like my vocabulary is heavily lacking right now. I am no longer able to express even the mundanities of my life. Before writing this entry, I had both a notebook and a pen out. I am scouring through my word bank. It’s not enough. I need to read more. I want to read more. But for now, I guess I’ll settle with just trying my best to make use of the limited words I can pull out of the top of my head. I had a nice morning. I kept my promise with Adrian from last night and gave him a call. We left off our conversation pretty abruptly since he had a long day and I was insistent on getting him to sleep early. His best efforts at the opposite got the best of me, and we ended up staying up until 3 AM. I had my breakfast and quickly got ready for my driving lessons. I got to know this new instructor, and I actually prefer him way more. He was younger and a lot more soft-spoken than the last one. I learned how to parallel park, and if I had to admit, I really still don't get it. I actually did so much better today. I was very level-headed, and I was making better decisions on the road. The only concern I have now is calculation (as he mentioned in his feedback), and I should be good. I got home and ate since I was pretty exhausted. I was passed out on the floor for a bit until I decided to take a shower. But before that, I did my hair. The purple has faded since I stopped caring for a while now. After that, I wrote, worked out, then went on a call with Adrian.
I can lose everything so quickly. Who’s to be comfortable when all can be taken away? I am doing so well, and yet my most troubled thoughts are always finding their way to repeatedly resurface. I think, but all that thinking is leading me to dead ends. I think, but not enough to ever understand myself. I feel so out of place as if I never was in the right one. But I know I am. Is it from old habits? Was I so accustomed to the wrong ones that the familiarity in bad situations is something I’d never be able to escape? I don’t get it. I’m happy but sad. I am both at once. I wish there were other terms for it, but I’m realizing that such emotions can carry so much more if you were in the shoes for it. It might be an instinctual defense mechanism of some sort. I had a very uneventful day. I received a notification from Brie. She needed to fill me in on her current situation. She had been crying the whole night without a single blink of sleep. I told her to give me a minute so I could shower and get myself breakfast. My mom cooked some scrambled bacon, so I was kind of happy about that. I brought a plate with me, then hopped on a call with Brie. I will not be putting out the details of her problems, but long story short, she doesn’t even know who she’s dating. I hate him. We had such a long talk that I slept for three whole hours straight right after the call ended. After that, I did all of my routines, ate, worked out, and showered. I got ready for bed pretty early. Adrian had plans for the day, so we started our call pretty late. I knew he was tired and tried my best to convince him to sleep soon. That soon did not come until after a few hours. I even ate an entire bowl of cereal at one point.
My guitar pick is buried somewhere inside my wallet. I assigned it one important task - to be my lucky charm. Or at least I believe it to be lucky. I keep the wallet tucked away in my pocket. It rests beside a folded-up piece of paper that carries a note from when I wrote 'I love Adrian.' He asked for it right when I was about to throw it away. It was during one of our video calls when we had been playing around. It was a cloudy day. The rain stood by, and the weather was changing from hot to cold arbitrarily. But it was so comforting just being near him that I barely paid any mind to it. I’ve always figured that sitting in the sun would make my days not so bad anymore. Now I’m considering that the sun I talk about could’ve and might've just been a metaphor for him. We met up at the mall. (He told me when we debriefed that he smelled my perfume at the turn before seeing me.) He smiled like a child, and it felt nice knowing (or at least I assume) that I could bring that out of him. I’m not that good at wishful thinking since I’ve had all my wishes predetermined and unselfishly dedicated them to the general well-being of others, but if I could wish for one thing, I’d ask to stay in every moment I have with him. That or wish that I knew how to love. Maybe an instruction manual for it? It’s like I’m going into this test completely unprepared, and I’m so scared of messing this up. He got us coconut shakes. He still remembered that I liked them. We went to the toy section of the mall to search for some LPS (Littlest Pet Shops) since I had been so curious about its recent condition. I was convinced it had been discontinued for a while. Turns out it wasn’t. We talked and checked out other toys too. I just wish I could play with toys again. I mean, I have free will, and I totally would, but I don’t really have the time for it anymore. I was hating on a lot of the new toys. They look like they’re all manufactured so cheaply now. What a shame. We went to the bookstore, and besides looking at books, we might’ve made out a bit. We did the same on the ramps, which was quickly patched, and another place upstairs, and we ended up getting caught. It was fun. I’ve always been the type to like the thrill that comes with things. I love doing the most for a fun story, so it was cool. We ate at Popeyes too. And then it was nothing. The nothing that’s most often or not skipped over in books. The kind that’s never written about. When two people have both run out of things to say, and the silence tells you how you’ve grown attached and realize just how much you like the person you’re with. The comfort you’ll find that would be just enough to let your mind piece together the love you’d only find in the gaps and pauses of stillness. You don’t feel overwhelmed with emotions, nor are you biting back unspoken words. You feel light. Just happy to be there, even if all else was temporary. When I got home, we went on another call like we both had promised, then instead of sleeping early, extended our time a bit more.
I am finding it difficult to use my words. My calendar is telling me that I’ve reached the halfway point of the year. I’ve found stability in my own company. Everything has been going in my favor, and I haven’t cried over a single problem in such a long time. I’ve been way too comfortable that I might’ve dimmed my own headlights. I’m lost. I feel like I have this chip on my shoulder. I’m irritable when I shouldn’t be. Skylar checked up on me. I told him I felt like an imposter. I can’t point out the reason for my sadness, but I have my own theories. Skylar told me he was kind of feeling the same way. Sirko had similar sentiments when I talked to her about it. And it makes sense because we’ve all run out of distractions. What’s worse is that the new season of the show the three of us are expecting every summer won’t be around this year. Tragic. I really hate the way I’m articulating my feelings right now, and I feel as if I’m not even the one writing anymore. I desperately need to sleep this off. I can’t even figure out what I did today. My routines are reliably consistent, which I’m so grateful for, but that’s about all there is today. I spent too much time inside my head again. I wrote a lot, both digitally and handwritten. I played the piano. Did a few songs. I worked out, showered, and ate. I called Adrian and stayed up late again. We talked, played, all the usuals.
I was most definitely half asleep during the first few hours today. I didn’t even start "today" until late in the afternoon. I showered, had lunch, then changed out of the outfit I had barely worn into something more fitting to go to the cinema. The plan was to watch the new Inside Out movie with my family. Time went by so quickly. We went to the mall and had less than an hour to find something to eat. My brother and I separated from everyone and struggled because all the booths we went to only accepted cash. We tried going to the grocery store in hopes of finding good movie food, but we were disappointed since junk food wasn’t cutting it for us. I eventually just settled for a red velvet cookie since I can never go wrong with that. We arrived just in time before the movie started. I cried a total of five times while watching. I may or may not have been self-inserting. But honestly, Joy’s whole speech about her desperation hit way too close to home. It sucks. I couldn’t help but bawl my eyes out. She was just like any other emotion. The only difference was that she was a lot more positive and optimistic, and now this sort of responsibility was thrown at her unsolicitedly. That was never her job, and yet everybody just had to be so mean to her. It happens so often. The whole thing with misery loving company, and people wanting to attribute all their negative traits to the people around them. Unconscious or not, it’s such a major jerk move. Even if someone were to do that since it’s human behavior to have the desire not to be alone, and feeding off of someone who seems well put together just makes sense, it doesn’t excuse any mean conduct. I wish I had a tissue box during the movie. After the movie ended, I ate out with my family. I got myself a frappe before going home too. When we arrived back, I decided to just sit by the piano and play a couple of songs. I was sad. I was frustrated too. It was for reasons I don’t think I’d be able to point out. I let it pass, took a shower, worked out, then called Adrian. We stayed up until 4 AM again. It’s been a daily thing to sleep late with him, and it’s getting pretty concerning. We played some more Roblox fighting games and had some bets on the line. He was so attractive. He always is, but I made him wear a backward cap, and I have this weird attraction to that look, so I was staring a lot. He did the same anyway. He liked the top I had on or something. I still owe him a selfie with my hair up, but I told him I’d take it some other time. I really don’t see what he sees in me. But I’m glad that he appreciates me as much as I do him.
I am suffering from a post-Star Wars rewatch syndrome. I’ve been quoting lines from Revenge of the Sith almost every chance I get. Adrian isn’t helping either because he’s bringing balance to the Force by completing the dialogue with me. I love him for that, but I seriously need to stop. I didn’t really do much this morning. I slept for the majority of it before showering, then having breakfast. I had to go out straight after that. We visited our grandmother, so I was already expecting a tiring trip. I’m still not sure why I always get so drained whenever I go on long car trips despite not even doing anything, but I do. On top of that, I seriously do not have the social battery for any family gatherings. So that wasn’t the coolest. When we got there, I gave my respects to my grandmother, then sat down in a corner with my brother and just wasted time by going on my phone. I was texting Sirko. We had the most comical conversation. I was hysterical trying to hold in my laughter. I overshared something I definitely shouldn’t have, but at least I got a good laugh from it. We went home after a while. The trip back was even worse. I struggled to sleep because of how all over the place my baby brother was in the back seat, and when I did manage to fall asleep, I woke up with a horrible body ache. I was so tired. We all collectively agreed to move our plans of going out to watch the new Inside Out movie in the theater to tomorrow. Arriving back home, I inputted the password into our front door, then flopped down on the sofa. I took a shower, ate, worked out, then video-called Adrian. It was a pretty long day. I played Roblox with Adrian too. I had to let out my pent-up anger (disclaimer: I wasn’t mad at all) since he was consecutively picking fights with me. We played the Jujutsu Shenanigans game, and we had so much fun. We were killing each other for an hour straight. I was defeating him a bunch of times in the first few rounds that he literally brought out his controller and started being a try-hard. I had fun. Until he told me he actually had to wake up early, and I felt betrayed (I didn’t) because I made him promise to tell me whenever we had to sleep early.
I had left the blinds in my bedroom closed. It was cold, and the air was still. The temperature of my room felt like how I remembered it from my childhood. I showered and made my bed. I hoped for a slow and quiet day. I had breakfast downstairs while watching some Lego Star Wars animation videos. It was an activity that just made so much sense to partake in today. The clouds, which I knew contained rain, blocked the sun, so it was very dark in my room. But I stayed there anyway. I received a call from Adrian, and that was definitely a big mistake on his part because I ended up forcing him to watch LPS skits with me. It didn’t last for long, though. I had an appointment I had to go to. So I did that, then got myself a new pencil for my iPad. I ate out with my family, then when I got home, I showered, skipped my workout, and considered today a rest day. Instead, I drew for a while. I video-called Adrian again, and we finally decided to rewatch Revenge of the Sith. My absolute favorite. I’ll never be able to find the right words to describe my love for that episode, so I’ll just leave it at that. I know so much dialogue from the episode like the back of my hand. Whenever I watch ROTS, I get the worst heartaches from it. I will be rewatching it again soon once I recover. Adrian promised to watch it with me again. Once we finished, we had to debrief on everything, reenact the scenes, and then draw Anakin. I swear Adrian is so perfect.
I have the urge to read another book. It’s all I want to do this entire summer. I managed to finish a chunk of Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Express today. My detective board is really starting to take shape. It’s expanding with all the new notes I’ve been taking and taping up on my wall. I like it. My day went on a rotation with me doing my usual daily routines and finishing up that book. It got dark outside pretty quickly. I played the piano for a bit until I let the frustration of not being able to play well take over me. I’m not saying that I was the problem. I just couldn’t hear anything properly with all the external noises I was hearing. So I gave up and started working out. After that, I hit the showers and went on another call with Adrian. I told him about my book, and we kind of just talked.
I really like it when things go my way early on because it sets a good tone for the rest of the day. I mean, don't get me wrong, even in environments that aren’t ideal, I try not to let them affect my mood. But there have been times when I’ve let them get the best of me, and that's something I'm still working on. I read for the whole entire day. I managed to finish another book! I love that so much. I’m finding myself again, and it just feels right. I’ve been finding myself in deep thought a lot. It might be bad for me because I wasn’t thinking of anything creative or productive. I’m going to be the cause of my own downfall one day. Anyway, dinner was nice. I appreciate how my mom remembers whenever I tell her I like a specific food because you can really see the effort she puts into incorporating it into meals. I loved tonight’s call with Adrian. I gave him a whole rundown of the book I just finished. It surprised me how much he remembered from the last time I told him about it. I picked up right where I left off, and I like to think that he was actually invested. I loved the book so much. Don’t let my low ratings fool you. I can never get the critique out of me, especially when I’ve consumed so many books and other media. In comparison to all that I’ve come across, obviously, I’d be inclined to give ratings appropriately. Adrian read me another book before falling asleep too. I don’t remember anything anymore because I’m pretty sure I fell asleep almost immediately, but I’m hoping he doesn’t quiz me tomorrow.
I am having my first practical driving test today. I have the afternoon schedule, so I had some time to get more sleep and mentally prepare. I've only been behind the steering wheel twice, but theoretically, I should do well. I am a fast learner. Yesterday's drive went smoothly, and based on the simulations I've rehearsed inside my head, I believe I can pass my test. Initially, I was quite nervous because I have not had any long-term practice. I've probably only had less than an hour of practice in total and was already being taken onto the main road. Anyway, I got ready for the test and put on a regular outfit. When I came downstairs, I was told to change into a t-shirt. After that, I finally left. I met the driving instructor right away, and he was very nice. He made sure to repeatedly confirm my age because I apparently look like I'm 12. I'm not going to deny that – I've always looked younger than my age. He ran through a very brief discussion on some reminders I needed to know about the car, its functions, and some traffic rules. It wasn’t long until he told me to release the brakes and start driving. And I did exactly that. I am a very unreliable narrator, but I personally think I did well. I managed to go through crowded and narrow roads. At one point, he even slept and told me to just wake him up in a while. He went on his phone sometimes too. Okay, he did have to take over the steering wheel at some point, but it was only for a short amount of time. The only problem I had was that I kept on avoiding every car ever and that I was blind. I was seriously not having it with the speed bumps. I could not see them for the life of me. I mean, I didn’t wear my glasses, so I guess that’s a factor as to why I was probably unable to see, but still. We had multiple stops because he wanted to buy himself snacks, and he even had a bathroom break. I was not stressing. In fact, I had way too much undeserved confidence. Needless to say, I loved driving. It felt right. I was texting Sirko whenever I’d find the time during my test too. But I passed, and that’s all that matters. When I got home, I ate the nuggets I’ve been craving for almost every day now, showered, and then slept. I did the same thing right after I woke up too. I ate salmon for protein, showered, then started writing. An hour or two passed by, and I had to get ready for bed. I worked out before hitting the showers for the last time. My baby brother let himself into my room, and I played with him while on a call with Adrian. It was funny because he was scaring my baby brother with the built-in Instagram filters. He kept on picking on me too, so I let my baby brother handle him for a while. My baby brother had to give him the bad news of me being dead. When my baby brother left, I watched Notting Hill with him. It’s his favorite rom-com. I actually really liked it. I loved the ending and especially everything that led up to the famous quote where she confronted him with the whole “and don’t forget, I’m also just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” It was great.
I read an article. Written in bold letters: I crossed your name out of my diary. For as long as I’m reading the old pages of my diary, one name would always leave the biggest distaste in my mouth. I was reminded of the book I started writing a few months ago. I never finished it. I have no plans of ever finishing it. It was my best attempt at undoing everything I’ve ever written, an effort at erasing all that was wasted. It would be such a shame if I never published it in some shape or form. So, I’ll leave it here for keepsakes. If anyone’s curious, I am living proof that everything can change. Here’s the Untitled Document.
I was up early. Around 7 AM. It’s my last summer as a high schooler (technically), so I think I could consider that early. I showered and then had breakfast with my parents. I was reading my current book too. I worked out for a bit, went back to reading, and did whatever small tasks I needed to complete. I'm taking up practical driving tomorrow, so my dad let me practice driving around the neighborhood. He was in the passenger seat, and it was a lot less stressful this time. It’s crazy how much I improved over the span of a weekend. I slept it off for a few days and already got the hang of it. I am so impressed with myself. After that, I took another shower and played with my baby brother. He made a mess, which I had to clean up after, but it was fun. I read, worked out, all the usual. I played some guitar and made a cover of Blowing Smoke by Gracie Abrams while waiting for Adrian to go online. I told him all about the book I was reading yesterday. He asked me for updates today too! He started reading Better Than The Movies because I told him it was my favorite rom-com book. We talked about a bunch of random things. I showed him some slideshows I made a while back that I somehow never finished, and he helped me finish them. We did the Top 10 Fumbles in Cartoon History. We agreed on our ranking and discussed each of the fumbles. I really appreciate that he finds all this entertaining. We were supposed to watch a movie, but I might’ve talked a bit too much, so he just gave me a bunch of guitar performances. He’s good. I told him to prop up his phone so I could see him play, and he followed very obediently. He looked so attractive. Until he started forcing me to play some songs for him too. I have never played in front of anyone. Before sleeping, I asked if he could read me another bedtime story, and he found one which, I quote, “thought you’d like.” I did. It was "The Velveteen Rabbit." I love that book. He knows me so well.
Listening to Gracie’s new album during my first morning shower is such a good feeling. I have yet to map out a detailed plan that would consume the upcoming week. All I know is that I want to proofread and upload my blog drafts by the end of the day. After completing my usual routines, I took a quick nap and started chipping off on today’s goal. I managed to finish up all of the entries from May, and I’m thinking about doing the rest of it tomorrow. I got a new iPad too! I took the time to set it up and started reading there. I worked out, read some more, worked out for the second time, then simply just read again. It felt nice. I almost went into a spiral at one point. I had this thought that resurfaced. It’s that feeling that made me feel like I’ve been such a horrible person. Like I’m not really doing anything but I do notice how my sensitivity has amplified recently. Whether it’s being easily provoked or overthinking an action I’ve committed. I’ve been trying to shut myself up. I wrote about it in my journal. Because paper is a lot more patient than people. It sucks how I have such a great urge to restart everything. Especially my relationship with people. But it’s not that I want to replace them, I just wish I could’ve done things a lot more differently. But for the most part of today, I was well pleased and happy. During my routine video calls with Adrian, my baby brother knocked on my door and asked if we could play. So we did. I left Adrian in the background and he was pretty much just watching us. I was so tired after my baby brother left that I just lied down in bed telling Adrian to give me a few more (a lot more) minutes to rest before we continue with our conversations.
It’s very cloudy today, and they’re doing some remodeling in the house, making it relatively loud. After breakfast, I stayed in my room for the whole day. I did a couple of diary entries and learned to play Gracie’s new album on the guitar. I texted with Adrian for a bit. I finally got to explore the app I downloaded a day or two ago called Medium. It’s a platform where people can share their thoughts in any length they want. The format is more like articles, which I found interesting. The current recommended feed I’ve set up is similar to my YouTube feed, focusing on philosophical, self-help, and mindfulness topics. I didn’t do much else. I worked out, then brought out my journal to expand on a thought I had held in my head for so long that when I finally had time to write about it, I ended up forgetting it. Cruel but poetic. The night slipped past unnoticed. I played a Roblox game called Together with Adrian and we completed all the levels.
Gracie’s new album is out. To say that it’s good is an absolute understatement. Her lyrics never fail to accurately describe my current state. It's always been so coincidental how much we sync with our experiences. I’m so grateful to have stumbled upon her in my lifetime. I don’t think there’s any other artist who can articulate emotions I can only hope to put into words. It’s not just the lyrics either. The way she composes them is so perfect. My current favorite, although it was a hard decision, is Tough Love. It talks more about how she’s a radar for every deal breaker (please get the reference). I made an entire playlist about it immediately after first hearing it. I love it so much. Some of the songs, I found myself singing along to before even realizing they were her previous unreleased songs. I am so proud of her. And most importantly, I’m so glad she’s happy now.
I have quite a few things to do today. I got up early because I had an appointment to get some flu shots. I got the flu not so long ago too. I’ve never really been scared of needles, so it wasn’t a struggle. I kind of just brace for that millisecond sting you feel when the needle is injected through your skin. My brother got his check-up too. Then before going home, we got some takeout and had our first meal of the day in the car. After everyone left, my dad let me drive around the neighborhood. I'm still a very slow driver, but I’m learning. It’s actually so fun being the one behind the wheel. I washed my hands and snacked on a few more things before going upstairs and literally right by the stairs, I passed out. Nobody really cared much since they weren’t bothering to wake me up or question my choice of bed. I think they’re used to finding me around looking like a literal body. I slept for a few hours until I was called out for another appointment I had, this time with my orthodontist. So we went back to the hospital, and I got my braces adjusted. The whole constant toothache is inevitable after every appointment I have with my orthodontist, but it’s cool. I listened to Gracie Abram’s new album the entire day. I also talked to Sirko! She got me this t-shirt that reminded her of a niche interest I have. It was so perfect. I took another shower and then ate lunch. I had a pretty decent day so far. I was pissed off for a moment because of this one person, but it’s fine (because I blocked them and out of sight, out of mind or whatever). Adrian also gave Gracie a listen! Super epic. I worked out, cleaned up, and then went on a call with Adrian. I told him the whole saga about the pathological liar friend I’ve mentioned here a few times. Thank God he found everything funny. We talked about that for hours straight. We also played a round or two of Pokémon Showdown. I don’t even recall telling him goodnight.
I cleaned out my closet. I had been putting off that task for almost a month now. My room has never been cleaner. The pile of clothes was taking up so much space, and I’m not even exaggerating. They were all clean laundry too. I just couldn’t find it in me to fold them and neatly put them away. My dad taught me how to drive. I’m having some kind of practical test this upcoming week, and I genuinely have only ever driven once my whole entire life. I had oatmeal again, so that’s pretty cool. I talked about it with Adrian yesterday, and I just missed having it. I worked out, showered, and then again, just called Adrian.
I had a pretty cool day. I consumed more Star Wars media with Adrian. We called late in the afternoon and continued our marathon with Episode II: Attack of the Clones. It still never gets old. Whenever I watch a movie, I normally write short reviews in my diary entries, but I honestly don’t think I could ever find the words to describe my love for the original Star Wars trilogy and prequel trilogy, no matter how many rewatches I do. I wish I could say the same for its entirety as a franchise, but sadly, since it was sold to Disney, everything has gone downhill. I swear I’m not blinded by nostalgia. I just personally think there could have been a better way to continue the series without disregarding the lore and established plot. No offense to J.J. Abrams though; I love him because he made my literal favorite artist ever. It also made Gracie Abrams biologically connected to Star Wars in a way. It’s perfect. Speaking of Gracie, she has been giving so many spoilers for her new album release that I couldn’t help but learn almost all of them. I even did a cover of That’s So True, another unreleased track she sang with Audrey in one of her shows. Anyway, I did my night routine, had dinner, worked out, showered, and all that. Then I hopped on a call with Adrian again to watch some more Star Wars. We watched the animated film of Clone Wars. If I have to confess, it’s actually my first time watching it in its entirety. I was very invested. Adrian was too. We both weren’t making many jokes. We both slept around 4 AM because of the struggle we have every night whenever we want to end the call but can’t, since we’re both weirdly attached to each other.
The events of today were unforeseen. I did not anticipate the early hour I needed to wake up at. I only had 2 hours of sleep, so it was easy to figure out that I wouldn’t be having the best of times today. I was sure grumpy, or at the very least, just a bit more difficult than usual. I was deep in thought for almost the whole day, and the headaches were the consequences of all that thinking. I’m finally getting my student’s driving permit, so that’s cool. I didn’t study for any tests, and I’m pretty sure I just winged it. All I really had to do was wait, and that was about it. I should be able to get my actual license in about a month. While waiting, there was this very aggravated lady arguing with the clerk at the top of her lungs. Normally, I wouldn’t care, but the volume at which she was speaking was very attention-grabbing. It was hard to ignore. She was complaining about how ugly her picture turned out and blaming the person she was talking to. I told my brother it was silly since it’s the face she’s had since birth, and she can’t really make that anybody’s problem. My brother just called her a mouthbreather. I checked, and she was. She also wanted them to edit out her mole or something. I think I just witnessed a Karen live. I was also holding my bladder, which was just so annoying. When I was called up, I took my picture and was just glad it was over. My eyes were actually closed, but I still looked good, so I didn’t mind. I also think I failed the colorblind test since I only got half of the points right, but I’m sure I don’t have problems with colors. After that, I had an early dinner with my family. We went to this restaurant we always go to when we’re in that area. The meal we had was honestly enough to account for the three meals a normal person should have every day, but it’s fine. I got home really late, and I hated that. I was in a bad mood the whole day. I showered and then tried to take naps, but I was unsuccessful. I eventually gave up and just gave Adrian a call. We couldn’t watch Star Wars because of my terrible state, so instead, we just talked. There was a bit of time where we were both quiet because we agreed to write. He was finishing up his annotations on my June 10th entry. I only wrote like 4 lines in my diary since my brain just couldn’t function. When he gave me the annotated version, it took me like a full hour or two to read it. It made me really nervous to read since I knew it would give me butterflies. When I read it aloud, I’d do the thing where I’d extend my comments into whole topics, and I ended up stalling for more time. I did finish after all that, and I thought it was the sweetest thing ever. We talked some more until we both fell asleep. Then he gave me another call around 3 AM, and I don’t even know if we conversed again because the recollections I have of that brief call are very faint.
It’s a quarter past one. I had just woken up. Adrian was reading me a bedtime story, and I clocked out. He told me he finished the whole story even after I had fallen asleep because he promised he’d read it to me. I find that so sweet. I showered and ate my breakfast. I kept my end of the bet we had yesterday and gave him my diary entry from June 10. He told me he’d annotate it with his perspective of the date. He’s actually so perfect. It reminded me so much of Jess Mariano, like he hasn’t already been doing so. Like the other time, he told me he looked up the bus routes for when we go to college and everything. If you’ve watched Gilmore Girls, you’d know that that’s exactly what Jess did when he found out Rory was going to Yale. He looked it up! I wrote some more diary entries for an hour or two. I did whatever I had to do throughout the day, then worked out, showered, and got on a call with Adrian. We talked for a bit just to see each other before continuing our Star Wars rewatch marathon. We finished Episode 1: Phantom Menace. I loved seeing Ani again. It’s just such a good series, I don’t think I’d ever get tired of it. I loved watching it with Adrian too. He makes everything so funny.
I am hoping to accomplish a few things today, most of which are chores I’ve been putting off for a while now. After I finished my morning routine, I caught up on a lot of the diary entries I’ve been keeping in the drafts. It had been collecting dust, and I’m making it a goal to upload them by the end of this week. After that, I had the urge to read but fell victim to the comfort of my bed. I slept three times consecutively. I dreamt in all of them too. I woke up and told Adrian about it. I did some other things and just functioned as a human being. Then I ate dinner, worked out, and hopped on a video call with Adrian. We rewatched two Star Wars movies, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back and Episode VI: Return of The Jedi. We’re still doing the bit where we’re both pretending we’ve never watched Star Wars before. He’s a really funny dude who happens to find me funny too. I’m not even gonna question his humor because I think it’s great that we match each other well. We had an ongoing bet which he manipulated me into entering, and he ended up winning. We finished around 4 AM, and he was still refusing to go to sleep. It wasn’t long until he ended up reading me one of my favorite stories - The Elves and The Shoemaker. Then I just fell asleep.
I slept in longer than I could keep track of. Adrian did too. We are both incredibly sleep-deprived, but he told me he had already paid off his sleep debt. I am years away from achieving that. I woke up and took a shower. I ate breakfast, and not long after, was invited out to swim. I wasn't planning on joining, but I figured I could put off some things I had initially thought about doing today. So I grabbed my towel and headed out with them. The sun burned right through my skin. I guess that’s to be expected. I was in my head the whole time in the water. I can’t point out exactly what it was that was occupying my mind, but I do know that it was a lot. When I got home, I took another shower and listed off things I wanted to be done today. I worked my way through the list continuing on with my day. I ate pizza for lunch too. I cleaned my desk and my room in general, wrote more diary entries, then worked out. I am unable to contain my thoughts. I have no idea what’s up with today, but I’ve been finding myself zoning out at any given hour. It was so bad that I’ve literally chipped off all the gel polish from my nails. I played chess with Adrian during our late-night calls. He ignored me for like 7 minutes because I told him goodnight, then he tricked me, lied to me, then cheated on me. I trusted him, and he literally baited. I didn’t even give it a second thought. All boys are the same. I’m joking. That was on me for falling into his trap. I lost that game, and it was totally fair and square. I love him. He’s actually a god at chess. Like I found it so impressive when I saw his elo. He’s probably the best player I’ve ever played with. Then we transferred back to Instagram since we prefer video calls and stuff. We had our conversations and told each other about our days.
I have a date with Adrian. I slept for maybe three hours at most. We might have gone a little overtime last night, but it doesn’t really matter because it was time well spent sharing our perspectives on our story. It’s weird how he’s making this whole relationship thing so easy. I’m not crying or stressing, and all I feel is excitement knowing I’ll be seeing him again. I hope I can give him even half the comfort he gives me. I don’t think he knows how peaceful I feel when I’m with him. He did tell me he felt the same way ever since we first started talking. I hope we never lose that. It wouldn’t take much to convince me that I’ve been dreaming this whole month. I’ve been so happy that it concerns me. I guess I’m just not used to it anymore. I showered and got ready first thing in the morning. I did my makeup and quickly picked out an outfit. I love it when I have plans with people I actually enjoy hanging out with. I went to the mall to meet up with Adrian. I got there with just enough time to deal with a little thing I had. Adrian eventually called me and told me to look for him (it didn’t take him long to actually tell me his location, but I’m convinced I would’ve successfully found him anyway). I saw him and just thought it was so insane that he was my boyfriend. He looked good. I did the awkward wave thing to greet him, and he was smiling back. Writing this and thinking about his smile is making me smile. Is that weird? The first thing we talked about was this construction thing we couldn’t figure out. I still have no idea what they’re building there. I gave him the gift I got him for his birthday, and he was so appreciative of it. I’m glad he liked it. He asked me if I had eaten anything, so we settled down and got food. I mentioned the foods I liked once, and I guess he remembered. We talked about random things. When he was getting our food, he lightly tapped my shoulder from the opposite side to get my attention. I turned, didn’t find him, then turned back. Before I could even react, he was there, leaning in close, giving me a quick kiss. It was so cute. He did the same thing again when he got us coconut shakes. He finished his food first, as he always does, and he promised to do the talking while I finished mine. After that, we walked around so he could show me something we mentioned during our conversations. We were just enjoying our time together. It wasn’t long until we ended up in the bookstore because if you’re hanging out with me, looking at books is inevitable. Except I didn’t even intend on doing that. I just wanted to show him my favorite cat in the mall, who happens to be there too. We had to finish our drinks before going inside. We threw them out, and upon entering, I showed him where Agatha Christie’s section is. It’s pretty obvious that she’d be in the first shelves of the A-Z Fiction genre, but I always make sure to go there whenever I’m in any bookstore. I hated on every book ever. I’ve read a lot of books, and I don’t give the best ratings. Also, Adrian has this little addiction he recently acquired. He’s been kissing me at any chance he could get. Not that I mind, since I enjoy it as much as he does. There was this one time in the Fantasy and Sci-fi aisle when he winked with a click and then pulled me in for a kiss. That’s definitely on top of my rankings of all the kisses he has ever given. We went up another floor to the classics, and he told me about this book called Paradise Lost. You’d think I would’ve known about that book by now, but I hadn’t heard of it before, and I’m so grateful he told me about it. For once, I’m getting back my interest in reading. This dude is really good for me. He’d give me kisses every now and then. By that, I mean anytime we were clear of people’s sight, we’d go for a kiss. Even when I was talking about random things, he was giving me kisses. We went up another floor, and it was very empty. We might’ve made out for a bit. Have I mentioned how insane it is that he’s such a good kisser when I’m literally his first and only kiss? We went back to the main mall and to the arcade. We noticed how the whole place expanded and ate up the Kumon that was supposedly beside it. I won at almost everything except the one where you have to hit the thing with the hammer. I even won at the punching game. His punch was definitely way stronger, though. You could hear it through the impact sound. It just didn’t hit where the sensor was or something. But I won by like a hundred points. I think I can now tell people that I’m stronger than a boxer, right? I won the basketball game too. I even got scouted for such a terrible play. Then the other game he was supposed to win (and did win), the score points were glitching, and it was so funny. We did karaoke too. I love his voice. I was watching him sing, and I think I was falling in love with him or something. He told me hearing my voice live was different from the covers I post. He told me he loved my voice, so he stopped to hear me. I can’t believe this dude likes me. Time went by pretty quickly. We went back to the same bookstore as earlier too. We pretty much did the same thing. Oh, and I remember he started following along with Phoebe Bridgers’ Scott Street when it played on the speakers, and it was so attractive. I guess he wasn’t lying when he told me he listened to that genre of music. I gave him lots of hugs. Then we kissed a couple more times. After that, we just sat in the food hall since I was waiting for my ride. I gave him a limit on the kisses, and he pinky promised he’d only do one last one before I left. That last one lingered. When I got back home, I immediately passed out. An hour or two later, I got up to take a shower. My brother cooked dinner for me, then I went to my room and called Adrian. We were both so sleepy. We talked for a while until he could barely open his eyes. I read him another bedtime story. Tonight’s was Rumpelstiltskin.
I still have a bunch of requirements I need to finish up for college. I went to my high school and got the letters I submitted a few weeks ago. The school was so empty it was kind of scary. I was lucky enough to find this lady who gave me a hand in looking for where I had to retrieve my requirements. It was so hot outside. When I got home, I took my second shower of the day and slept. I slept twice, both of which extended for long durations. I am extremely sleep-deprived. I had a talk with Skylar, and he was giving me some compliments. I swear I love it when friends don’t wish for your downfall. As of now, I only have one more friend left who has this secret anonymity with me, but it’s fine. I’ll cut the relationship sooner or later. I just don’t have the time and energy to deal with that now. I mean, I’ve written about her in this diary countless times. I think the life expectancy of our friendship is nearing. I worked out, showered again, then called Adrian. We played Roblox. We were in Adopt Me, and he was acting weird. Like… weird in a way that I can’t disclose. We don’t talk about it. We went back to our video calls, and then I read him a bunch of my diary entries. He told me his perspective on those days that I read to him too. After that, we noticed how late it was getting, and I read him a bedtime story. Tonight’s was The Princess and the Pea. My favorite one growing up, even though I’ve always thought that the entire plot was stupid.
Good morning. My head hurts. I tried sleeping in for a bit (because Adrian told me to do so). It didn’t take that long until I finally got up and took my first shower. I went downstairs to have breakfast, and I think I might’ve eaten too much. I had my laptop with me and did a couple of my diary entries. For some unknown reason, all my drafts have piled up to half a month’s worth. My older brother and I are also helping my baby brother prepare for his upcoming school year. We’re trying to make his writing and reading a bit more fluid. I didn’t really do much today. I did a couple of covers with my electric guitar and all that. I worked out, then got ready for bed and my usual daily late-night calls with Adrian.
My room isn’t as messy as it could be, but it for sure is a mess. It’s the night after prom. My dress from last night is on the floor. My purse is right beside it too. It’s open, and all the lip products I usually bring have rolled out of the purse. My brain is telling me to clean my room, but my current state’s willpower is still down and plummeting. I did a whole lot of nothing today. I did all the usuals. I called Adrian during the afternoon to chat and play some Pokemon Showdown. I actually really enjoyed it. I got the hang of it near the end. I could’ve sworn he was purposely letting me take the win because I was throwing a bunch of threats, but a win is a win. I fell straight asleep shortly after. I set two alarm clocks. A 5-minute, and a 10-minute one. Both of which I snoozed. An hour later, I ate dinner and worked out. I had a pretty decent session. I was rushing it, and that made my muscles pretty sore after. I showered before settling in for the night and calling Adrian. We played Dress to Impress on Roblox. I reposted a post he made of us on my main, and it caught the attention of a few people. They liked it, so it was kind of scary since I don’t really post on my Instagram.
Senior prom. I was so sure I'd miss out on it, but I guess that's just not the case anymore. I really, really love my prom dress. It has a bow in front and a cut right below that bow. It’s not made of polyester, so I liked that a lot. I specifically picked out a red petticoat for it too. It matched the red Mary Janes I wore. It’s a shame nobody will ever understand the niche reference I was making with my whole fit. I woke up really early this morning to do a couple of things before getting ready. I wanted to write some diary entries and get my workout done since I knew I wouldn’t have the time later on. The feeling I got post-workout was ideal for the occasion. I took my second shower of the day after that and started getting ready for prom. I had a couple of hours to do my hair and makeup. This will always be my favorite part. I love being a girl. So I’m going to prom. I initially deemed this whole event entirely pointless. That was until I got myself a date. I’ve always thought that the likelihood of that happening was as much as you’d see me using up an entire notebook for school. Literally never. In all honesty, I’ve always dreamt of this. Like the little thought in the back of every hopeless romantic’s mind. Senior proms are almost an essential act in every other cliche high school romance chick flick ever. I’ve read and watched about it, and now I’m about to have that too. My date (boyfriend) told me I looked beautiful and all the other synonyms for that too. He was so attractive. I wish I could express how handsome I thought he was, but the most I could do was smile. I stood so awkwardly at the start of the event. I didn’t know what to do with myself. He asked for my hands and we entered the main hall together. So Adrian was just with me. I said hi to a couple of friends, and eventually, he dragged me to a corner to give me this red box. I asked him if I could open it. It was a necklace with a pink stone as the charm. I do not know much about stones, but I’m pretty sure the pink ones have something to do with love. He didn’t know what it meant either. He did make sure that I wore silver, and apparently, he bought it along with some ritual performed on the stone. No wonder I’m in love with this dude. I’m out here getting spelled or something. I took it out of the box and made him put it on me. I really, really love it and I have no plans of ever taking it off. I do that with everything that’s ever been given to me. We were getting pulled by random people asking us for pictures or pictures of us. We looked cute together. We were both wearing black. That was pure coincidence. I have no idea how detailed I should go on about this day, but I’ll try my best. We went inside and looked for seats. I was seated with my friends, and he was there with me. He told me he didn’t mind being separated from his. I made him put his chair closer to mine, and the whole time we were pretty much just flirting. I’m not sure if that’s the most appropriate word, but we held hands almost the whole night. That or I was holding his arms or resting on him. I couldn’t talk about anything too much because everything was just too loud. We ate and all that. I took a couple of bathroom breaks and met up with a couple of friends. Brie and Ria were so pretty. We spent barely any time with each other, but that was fine. We’ll have much more time together soon. Adrian asked me for a dance. We couldn’t really hear each other well or see for that matter because of the loud and deafening music blaring and the absolutely blinding lights. But we did mouth our "I love you’s" on multiple occasions. We did the slow dances. I was terrible at it. He was staring, and I tried to maintain eye contact, but I kept physically folding. It was hard. He’s really handsome. When they switched up the beat, I pushed him away, and we just started laughing. I really love his company. He’s cool as hell. During all that, he did make his first attempt at kissing me. I don’t know if this topic’s taboo, but it’s literally my diary, who cares? He stopped midway, and I ended up laughing. He made me shy and nervous and all that. I don’t know what exactly I was on, but we were by a corner and we were kind of just holding each other, if that even makes any sense. I did also dance with my friends for a short while. He held my purse and stood by like he was a bodyguard in his past life. We went back to our seats when the music was starting to die down and the lights went off. That’s when we actually had our first kiss. And second… and third. During the first one, he asked for consent with a thumbs up, and it was funny. And then he thanked me. That was the cutest thing ever. I was scared I’d never find love like in the movies, but I think I might have just did. We had to say our goodbyes, and I was trying to extend my time with him. He asked me for one “last” kiss (multiple times), and then we went our separate ways. When I got home, I ate a quick meal, took off my dress and makeup, and took a shower. Winding down after a long night will always be such a nice thing. I called with Adrian until we both fell asleep. I love him.
Breakfast was nice. My baby brother got locked out of the house, and it was funny. I cleaned my room for a while. I found a bunch of my old comics/mangas in the process of cleaning. I made sure to show those to Adrian later in the day. I ate chicken with my older brother for dinner. I took a relatively longer night shower and did whatever preparations a girl needs when they’re having an event the day after. I also did my nails. It took me hours to do them. I was doing the magnetic gel polish one. I love doing my nails. I’m not really counting, but I think it’s my fifth time changing them this week. It’s concerning. Sirko has been doing so well with her nail works too. It’s honestly to be expected of us. We’ve been doing this since last year. Anyway, I ended my day going on a call with Adrian, and we just talked like we weren’t going to see each other literally tomorrow.
Nothing much happened. I woke up and right off the bat, thought my hair looked cool, so I took a bunch of selfies and posted them. What incredibly narcissistic behavior. But I guess that kind of balances off all the time I’ve been insecure. Okay, that’s a reach. I am most certainly much more insecure than confident if ever. Not that any of that matters since I like to not think too much into that anymore. And I don’t know, I guess the people around me have been making it so easy for me to become more accepting? I really don’t know how to explain. I just know that I have my days when I could say I look pretty. I didn’t really have a busy day. I did all my usual routines. Ate stuff, played the guitar, and worked out. The same old. I called with Adrian before going to sleep.
I had to wake up early since I had an appointment with my orthodontist. I’ve had my braces on for so long. They’re literally older than my baby brother. That’s pretty crazy to think about. Anyway, I have three new additional rubbers, or like elastics, in my mouth. Will I be putting them on as requested by my orthodontist? No. I eat too much. It’s not helping that I haven’t eaten a proper meal for about three days now. I am still recovering from so much fatigue. When I got home, I took my second shower of the day, then went into cleaning my room. That took so much willpower and determination. My room was a huge mess. But I eventually cleaned everything up and I cannot be more proud of myself.
It’s Adrian’s birthday today! I made sure to greet him at midnight like any good friend would. That, and it was only proper for me to greet him early since I think (pretty sure) I’m his girlfriend and all that. We were on call for the majority of the day. Can’t really tell you what we talked about since it was all pretty random, but I laughed a lot. We played the Kitty Matchmaker game too. We were practicing our matchmaking skills. We did well. We only had one unsatisfied customer and another who ended up living their best lives. We were so good. Some time around late afternoon, we both dropped the call to do a couple of things. I had to eat, play with my baby brother, and work out. After that, I just went back to disturbing Adrian. We called until we fell asleep. We were meant to watch Star Wars, and we kind of did for a while, but both of our eyes were getting heavier. I love him.
I am graduating. I got up really early to get ready. It took me quite a bit since I was experimenting with my makeup. My hair wasn't at its best state, but it also wasn't too bad, I’d say. Everything went decently average. I was running for time, and it was such a funny way to end my high school days. I mean, if that’s not consistency (with my tardiness), then what is? I got to the ceremony with the whole outfit on. I looked for some friends of mine, and we were all just restless. I saw Adrian, and the first thing he did was compliment me. He’s actually the best. I was chatting with everyone I could since I knew it was probably the last time I’d be able to do that. I can’t say that I loved my school as much because I was always on autopilot and never really took in the environment as something worth appreciating, but I made my fondest memories and met the greatest people I know here. I’m glad I can leave everything behind. I was never really the type to look back anyway. So we did the procession and the whole ceremony. We did our pledges, they congratulated us, we walked up the stage and got our diplomas, all that usual graduating stuff. I did introduce Adrian to my parents, and he did the same. Both went so well. Before any of that, I took pictures with a couple of my friends, and it’s insane to think that we’re all starting new lives once we leave this high school. While I was actually roaming around looking for my friends, Adrian was just right behind me. He followed me around like he always does, and it was so cute. Nefer came too! She met me right after I walked up the stage, and I was so excited to see her. At the end of the ceremony, she gave me the cutest stuffed shark toy. It was the pull-string kind, and the tail spins when you pull it. She told me it reminded her of me because Beast Boy reminds her of my boyfriend, and I’m literally Raven.
I didn’t get my top spot, which was very disappointing. I was meant to be somewhere up in the third or fourth spot. I felt like one of those main characters who has their stats hidden. It’s okay. I was texting Sirko about how unfair it was since I really could only ever be vulnerable to her. It stung a bit. Those who got the top spots went up to me later on, telling me how I didn’t deserve this. It’s nice how I still get the recognition I deserve from the people who knew me. I mean, I helped a lot. Like I got a couple of messages from those thanking me for being there, saying how they could not have survived high school without me. It’s all chill. I guess I’m just glad I got to experience so much. I like how I operate right now. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.
I barely slept a wink. In fact, not even at all. I was talking to Adrian all night. Listened to Eminem’s new song Houdini. I am not looking forward to any upcoming event, but it’s all inevitable. I’m trying to remind myself that things have been worse, and this isn’t my greatest concern. We came across a couple of problems early in the morning. Everyone was stressing. I still don’t get why people tend to get mad at those who aren’t giving the "right" reaction to stressful situations. I am the only person who can keep my calm well collected, I swear. We got into the airport and it was literally completely empty. Such a huge airport with nobody inside. Every single direction I looked at contained a whole other backrooms location. I mean, from the empty hallways to the unsettling playgrounds, I was transported into a different world for sure. We got into an earlier flight just because a flight attendant offered, so that was pretty cool. In the meantime, my baby brother, who actually believes in the existence of backrooms and knows all the lore about them, was standing on business completely scared. He talked about seeing one of the toy elephant decorations move and how Jumbo Josh is inside the closed shops. I was feeding into this fear. So we got into our first flight from Chitose Airport to Haneda. Oh, they also lost one of the bags we had, and it was a whole problem. They were hardcore gaslighting my brother, and it was funny, but I vouched for him anyway. When we got to Haneda Airport, we waited for quite a while. We had breakfast too. I had pretty good food. They were trying to talk to me through my double-geared earphone and headphones combo, and they were throwing their attempts at pissing me off. I understand, though. They’re trying to project their panic onto the sanest person in the room since, again, I seem to be the only person in the family who has the ability to keep her calm. After all that stuff, we got on the plane and I just slept the whole way through. It’s all cool. I got back all the hours of sleep I lost today.
I am finally home. Now I just have my graduation to stress about. For starters, my division 1 hater (my homeroom teacher) had me do the most to get all the things I need for graduation. She’s doing the absolute most for nothing. All these problems were self-imposed by her too. I wasn’t stressing too much, though, I know I’ll graduate. I have enough fair shares of people wishing me the worst already. I’m glad I went through all the problems I’ve encountered. It turned me into someone who can handle most situations (so far) pretty well. Nothing is really ever that deep. The firt thing I did being back home was immediately eating dinner. Food from home after a long flight will always hit different. I unpacked and gathered all the things I bought or acquired during my trip. It was two full suitcases worth of things. I might have a problem. I took an everything shower since I needed one and also because of my graduation tomorrow. I redyed my hair and everything. I tried on my prom dress and it was so good. I’m actually excited for it. I mean, I’m going out with my boyfriend. Is that not the most high school thing ever? I settled down for the night and called Adrian. We talked about literally nothing and everything at the same time. We were on the call until I started spouting gibberish because I was half dreaming before we ended our call. I love him.
We took the morning bus to the Hokkaido Museum of Art. We were expecting to find Godzilla since they had him up on Google, only to be brought to disappointment. It was probably a special exhibition they had years ago. We walked around too. The environment was pretty different. The pollen was visibly scattered everywhere too. Anyway, we went to the Daidomaru and Stellar malls again. We ate on the 6th floor, and it was cool. I bought a carabiner (I’ve been buying so much this trip) at X-girl and my indecisiveness got the best of me. I got a color I didn’t really want, and not long after my purchase, I had to go back to exchange it for a different color. That’s when I met the nicest girl ever, and she told me that she wasn’t actually allowed to be doing that because of inventory checks, so I needed to keep our transaction a secret. My family shopped some more and all that. We went back and ate at a ramen place, then I accompanied my mom to Donki since it’s our last day here and she wanted to get whatever she still hasn’t. Skylar actually sent me a message after he saw the list of honors. He knew the injustice I kind of faced and was pissed off for me. He told me I didn’t deserve it, and that alone made me cry. I genuinely started tearing up. I’ve helped so much these past years and knowing that they value me as much that it bothered them seeing I wasn’t in my rightful spot in the rankings meant a lot to me. I really needed that recognition and validation. That might not have been the case on paper because of one teacher who had it out for me, but everyone still knew and I guess that was enough for me. I’m grateful to have such great friends around me.
Sincerely, I am so thankful to not have lost my sense of appreciation. I love it when the sky is clear, and I most especially love it when I take my time to pause and notice. There are a lot of pretty things that will always remain unnoticed. The conveniences that are never thanked for enough. Weather would always be one of those. And as I do, I’ll always write about it. My morning was very pretty. My first thought upon waking up was that I wanted to get Sirko a haul of some nail things so that I could give it to her the next time I see her. So I went out and walked to the Daiso across the street. They always have those self-service checkouts, which I love so much. I love it because I don’t have to use my brain in counting, and I just dump a handful of coins and let the machine give me back my proper change. Not that I’m bad with counting - because trust me, I’m really good - but because I happen to like saving my brain for other ways of critical thinking. I had some burger and fries in Lotteria for breakfast. I found this old lady staring at me, which was weird, but I can’t really blame her. We walked everywhere. I led my family to the Clock Tower, and that was pretty. We walked by parks with a bit too much pollen for my liking. My baby brother found this playground that he played at for a solid hour. It was fun. I love how neglectful of child safety the playgrounds are in Japan. And I’m saying that not as a bad thing. I think it builds a kid’s coordination, balance, strength, and whatnot. Children seriously need to learn how to pick themselves back up whenever they fall. I bought a lot of clothes today. I got some stuffed toys too. We had another round at Donki, and for me and my brother, the day can’t end without going back to Book Off. We got more games and other figurines.
My morning was relatively slow. I actually got a pretty decent amount of sleep. We went to a cafe and I got roasted beef for breakfast. I had the best soufflé pancakes too. We went to walk to Odori Park and noticed this big commotion. We’ve been seeing a bunch of cosplayers and I must say, people are so much better at cosplaying here. We came across tanks and soldiers and other military stuff too. We went to the park and everyone had different colored hair. I felt like I entered another world where everybody else was the main character besides me. I wish I could’ve brought my own cosplay too. We settled down and sat on the benches beside this other funny-looking character that had a sign up. People kept on coming up to him for pictures, it was actually great. My baby brother just played in the field. He chased after birds and it was cute. It’s also his birthday today! I was admiring the view. The air felt nice against my skin and the sun was bright, but somehow it wasn’t the kind that would burn your skin. The weather was so perfect. Later on, we took the subway to the center of Sapporo again. We went to Stellar Place and checked out all the shops. At one point, my entire family was talking about this K-pop dude they came across and my brother mentioned it was Taehyung. You might wonder why I was clueless about this when I was literally together with my family. Well, it happened in the elevator when I decided to get left behind for not even longer than 30 seconds. What are the chances of that? Oh well. We went back home with everyone until me and my brother decided to go out for another while to shop for more PlayStation games. We also went to the gacha place and looked for a Godzilla toy for my baby brother.
I have the coolest fit on. I’m wearing a hockey jersey over a maxi skirt and Onitsuka pairs. I wore ribbons in my hair too. I am so incredibly overwhelmed. So many things and events are happening all at once. They each account for different responses emotionally. I don’t know what to feel. Everything contradicts the other heavily. Right now, I’m trying to focus on a current mission. That’s to somehow get my family together and convince them to stick to the time schedule of the transportations. We went by a combini and I bought myself a corndog before anything else. We went to the Dohoku bus stop and I inquired a few things. I got the bus timetable too. It was kind of scary since the number we hopped into was right, but I had doubts on whether or not it was the kind that would take long trips. My doubts were later shut down after seeing in my maps that we were in fact headed to the right line. Our stop ends at the Shirogane Blue Pond (Aoiike). There was this mother and daughter pair who were kind enough to help us with a little trouble we had. It was cool. We saw the blue pond and it was the most stunning view I’ve ever laid my eyes on. It was seriously so pretty. The color of the pond was unreal. I wish I could describe it through words or even show it through pictures, but seeing it in real life is really the only way to comprehend it. I had so much fun. I stole my brother’s blue ice cream to take a picture and it was funny. We helped out the people who helped us earlier take a picture too. The only concern we had after was that there was no transportation going back. I found it so weird that a literal tourist spot with advertised routes to get there didn’t have a way back. So we asked this information personnel to call us a taxi. After that, we went to the Asahiyama Zoo directly from the pond. All the exhibits were so cool. I literally felt like I was in Aesop’s Fables or something. To list some of my favorite ones I’d go for the giraffe, hippopotamus, raccoons, chimpanzees, deer, wolves, polar and brown bears, and the penguins. I saw like 2 monkeys that were doing couple things and the penguins got called out by their leader and they did the coolest formation ever. It was so cool. I loved every moment I spent in that zoo. I got my first monkey Jellycat from there too! It was along with some other stuffed toys because I have problems with spending money on every stuffed toy I ever see. We went back to the station using the bus with the designated route there and we took the long train back to Sapporo. My brother and I managed to revisit Book Off (again) and another hyper media store. He’s been getting so many PlayStation DVDs. We bought another one of those microwaveable carbonaras then finally got home. It felt like it’s been so long since we last took a proper rest. Like we had the longest adventure before reaching spawn point again. It was so worth it.
We’re going to be having quite a long haul today. Before that, my baby brother visited the aquarium. My older brother and I just left him there while we wandered off elsewhere. We were to meet up after an hour, then take the subway to Sapporo, transfer to the JR line, and finally take the Japan Railway Limited Express to Asahikawa. It required quite a bit of travel time since it was a whole different city. Getting the ticket was so stressful for me. I lined up, and everybody disappeared. I had to go back and look for them because I had a couple of inquiries, and this train staff approached me and asked where my family was. He was the sweetest old dude ever. To be fair, I don’t really look my age. On top of that, I am a very short individual. The lost child allegations are something I cannot escape. I am the best with directions when I’m using my brain, but I am always going to look helpless. Another thing that was making me lose my mind was this teacher from way back home who is still doing the absolute most to hate on me. I’m not gonna get into details, but she was requiring a whole lot of nonsense just to give me a harder time. All I could do was take deep breaths and try not to fog up my brain too much. We had reserved seats for the train, and I was trying to figure out the schedule and which platform we had to stop at. Eventually, everything calmed down by itself, and we managed to get on the train successfully. We got to Asahikawa after such a long time that my parents made the spontaneous decision to just walk into another hotel and check in there. So we did. We didn’t have our passports or anything with us. It somehow worked out just fine. For our clothes, we went to the Aeon Mall and got a couple of items. I managed to build myself some of the coolest fits ever. We explored the mall and ate there. It was actually pretty awesome. I noticed how differently people style themselves here in the northern side of Japan compared to the mainland.
Adrian told me the words I’ve been trying my best not to say. I told him I really, really, really liked him, and he replied with "I love you." I didn’t hesitate to say it back.
I woke up with a headache. I had to quickly plan out an itinerary because we’re going to have quite a long day. While everyone else was getting ready, I went out for a bit. I’m still looking for a prom dress, but my hunt was very unsuccessful. I met up with the rest of my family a little while later. They had their breakfast, but I decided to skip it since I’ve already been consuming too many protein bars. I’m coping with the lack of a gym. I went to the mall where Loft was located and got a few items. Once everyone was settled enough to start our day, I went to The Pole and figured out the subway lines. We went from Tomakomai to Sapporo and then took the JR line to Otaru. I am currently writing this diary entry on the train with only two stations before we reach our destination. When we arrived in Otaru, it had such a quiet environment. Before leaving the station, we went inside a bakery to buy a couple of pastries to snack on. I can’t name the one I got, but I can say that it was probably one of the best breads I’ve ever tasted. We visited the Sankaku Market next. My parents have been craving crabs for almost a month now. My dad got us the king crab and a couple of other items on the menu. He remembered I liked abalones and got me those too. After eating, we walked over to the coast because my brother loves the ocean. It was totally unnecessary, and the weather was not making it any better, but we walked in that direction anyway. We passed by the old abandoned railway and found out that Otaru was called the eternal city. Pretty cool. My brother looked at the ocean, then my mom went inside the souvenir shop. My brothers and I stayed outside. I ate strawberries, and they ate ice cream. They wanted to try out the cruise around the famous canal too. While waiting for our turn, my older brother and I decided to separate from everyone and check out the abandoned arcade shopping street. I felt like Chihiro from Spirited Away being isekai'd. All the stores stretching out for miles were closed down, and it was such a pretty place too. There was one shop at the very beginning of the district that we checked out. That was it, though. My brother only wore a plain shirt and jorts. A local even questioned his choice of clothing with genuine concern. It was so cold. We were having a challenge to see who would fold first in the cold weather. I lost and was finding every excuse to seek warm shelter. We took the cruise around Otaru, which included a narration that told the history of the whole port city. I wore earbuds with an English translation of the tour guide. It was pretty cool. I learned a lot. Seagulls and crows were flying overhead, and everything was just so pretty. We had dinner at a local KFC, and I finally had time to text Adrian. I felt stunned. My movement was slowed down by a huge percentage. It was such a weird feeling. I’ve experienced way colder environments, but for some reason, the cold constricted my blood vessels, making me unable to move at my normal speed. We caught the train back to Sapporo and transferred from there to Susukino. On our way, in one of the stations, we saw a boutique that had the cutest dresses and other formal party accessories. I bought my prom dress and Mary Janes there. It was so pretty. We almost got locked inside the store, and my baby brother was traumatized. He started crying for my name, thinking I died. My baby brother is now officially a well-trained dog. You can get him to do things as long as you give him treats (candies). When we got home, I re-dyed my hair to this periwinkle color and took a bath. Then, of course, I texted with Adrian until I fell asleep.
The marketing strategies are working on me. I am a victim of capitalism. There is no escape. I have no idea why I’m being so dramatic. I love this place so much. I woke up really early to get myself some morning coffee and a single hashbrown from McDonald's. I got a few items from the convenience store too while I was at it. Since everyone else doesn’t have the same energy as I do, they were depleted from the travel yesterday. So we settled with just going out to nearby places from where our hotel was located. It was actually pretty great since I'd be able to familiarize myself with the place. I love memorizing places. I could see myself being a navigator in another life. We were barely a block away from the Shoutengai, or the street shopping district, and that was so cool. The shops ranged from branded ones, thrift shops, pet stores, restaurants, and just about everything. The first thing I got was a Tamagotchi ring from a gachapon. Today was pretty much spent just scanning the area and shopping. I texted with Adrian throughout the day too. He was making me smile through the phone, and it’s a good thing I don’t care whether or not I get weird looks. That, and I doubt anyone really cares. We also went to another street that had the usual stores you’d see in shopping districts. Then my brother and I separated from everyone to go to Book Off. Spoiler: We actually went back there every single day since then. We found so many steals. I even got myself the FC Play Computer console. My brother found a Playstation 1 for a hundred yen. That one was a giveaway price. Before I start sounding like a nerd, the place had cool stuff for sure. We did a lot of things. We stopped by Donki, and I got myself some nail stuff. When we got back to the hotel, I couldn’t resist doing my nails right then and there. I was using gel, so it dried quickly. After that, I went out with my brother again because he wanted to show me this gun he was planning on getting. I ended up wanting one too. Except we were weighing a couple of problems. See, the TSA can be pretty strict with the possession of guns, whether that’s in checked luggage or carry-on. Buying the guns we wanted would mean that we’d have to declare them as real guns or realistic replicas. That’s a lot of work for just toy guns. We came across this post when we looked up how we could get them past security, and I laughed about it for like more than an hour. Guide to flying with (airsoft) guns. We eventually let go of all our dreams and just decided to buy ourselves microwaveable carbonara dinners from the convenience store.
I'm functioning on barely any sleep. It's fine, though, since I have two flights today. One is to Tokyo Haneda Airport, and the other is to New Chitose Airport. I wore my Lululemon Define jacket, making me look like I'm about to hit the gym. I did all the usual airport things and ate breakfast at the lounge. I've been motivated to read again, so I took the opportunity to finally get out of my reading slump. I ended up sitting next to an old lady who thought it was cool that I was named after a character from The Lord of the Rings (hopefully, I'm not doxxing myself too much). We had a bit of small talk, and she also had a book with her. I slept for most of the flight and read for the remaining time I was awake. The old lady did the same. I want to be her when I grow up. When we arrived, my aunt was waiting for us, and she even gave me a Tony Tony Chopper stuffed toy. We once talked about our love for One Piece, and I swear, someone remembering your interests is the sweetest thing anyone could ever do. We had a lot of time to waste, so we looked around the souvenir shops but didn't get much. I got a claw clip and a lip product I thought was cool. I also ate a soft creme macaron ice cream thing with my brother. I was texting Sirko in those moments, and I was literally containing my laughter in public because of how unhinged our topic was. We are living proof that things do get better. It has been so horrible for us in the past months, but we can both say that we're over the healing phase and are now completely healed. In a way, I'm grateful for everything we've been through. It's good that we're learning things earlier. I like how accepting I've become. I still struggle sometimes, but as long as I don't act on already bad situations, I think I'll manage. Anyway, our next flight to Sapporo was delayed a bit. I slept through it, so I didn't really notice the difference. We eventually got on the next plane, and that took quite a lot of time too. The whole day was basically spent traveling. The hotel (Bespoke) we're staying at is pretty cool. It's located in the center of the city, so that's convenient. Sadly, everything had already closed down by the time we arrived. We took the time to rest and power up for tomorrow.
I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like being late. It’s been a while. But I guess old habits die hard. I’m late again, and I swear this is just a one-time thing. That, and the next time I step foot in my current school is graduation, which is like a week or two from now. We’re finally allowed to use our classrooms again. I went there, and there was this seminar going on. I sat beside Adrian, and we had small talk until the room got a lot quieter, and we just started passing notes. He even drew a raccoon on one of the papers because I was doing the whole fake mad act. It was cute. The raccoon had heart-shaped boxers on. We were pretty much together the entire day. He got lunch, and I skipped it again. I still don’t have an appetite for anything. We went back to the classroom, and I think we just don’t ever stop talking anymore at this point. He did this thing. He kept staring in a very unusual way, and I questioned him about it. He told me he thought it was cringe when others do that whole thing where they think their girl is pretty. But for the first time, he was experiencing it with me. He mouthed the words “you’re pretty” a bunch of times, and I was folding. He was talking without me purposely tricking him into it. He was telling me about the Roman Empire (and Greek triumvirate too, I think). Oh, and chess too. I actually really liked it when he talked. I am actually going to fall in love with this dude if he keeps this up. Ria and Lane visited me in my room. Ria was sleepy, and Lane just wanted to see this dude she has a crush on who just so happens to be my classmate. So I went back to Adrian after all that. Also, my aura is actually insane. A random person entered our classroom and made a comment about how good our class smelled. They told him it was probably me. We had our graduation practice again and changed venues. I sat beside Adrian, and again, the usual. They announced our rankings, and I had already expected the outcome, but I was still disappointed. I’ve long accepted it, but I guess it does still kind of sting hearing it announced in front of the whole batch. I mean, I was supposed to be in the Top 5. I was in the Top 5. I still would’ve been in the Top 5. I guess it did kind of bother me. But I didn’t want to turn it into a big deal. I don’t want to put my value in the recognition of others. I’m still trying my best to not let it affect me as much. Things happen, but things also pass by. I think it’s great that I’m at least getting a lesson out of this. And also, I don’t want to be that girl who complains too much. I still did great, and everyone else knows that. But God, do I feel bad for the past version of myself. She worked hard for nothing. Anyway, so our practice ended like two hours earlier. During the first hour, Adrian joined me in hunting down teachers to complete my requirements for university. It was funny because he was helping me leave the school he’d be staying at. I actually appreciate that he accompanied me throughout the day. After that side quest, we went to the library and passed the time. He makes me laugh a lot. I don’t recall anyone ever making me laugh as much. I usually just laugh because of my jokes nobody even finds funny. Eventually, we walked to the waiting area at the main gates of the school, and I met his sister. I went back home, ate, packed, then did my workout. Also, I got another person asking me for my workout routine.
The rainy season is officially back. It's that time of the month. I'm not in the mood for anything, not even working out. Not that I'd let that dictate what I'd do because today I still rolled out the mats and grabbed the weights. I did my workout early on in the day and just took this day as a time to slow down a bit. I've been busy for almost the whole week, and it did get a bit draining. I packed my things too. I called Adrian for a while because he got a new haircut. He was scared to show it, telling me that his hair got messed up, but he was still very attractive. I actually liked that it showed his face. He’s seriously such a pretty dude. I ended the call because my brother appeared out of nowhere, claiming that he’s been in the house since yesterday. This was weird because I hadn't felt his presence at all. He told me he’s been sleeping in his room all day. I called Adrian again, and we talked about a bunch of random stuff. Then my brother reentered my room to invite me down to eat. He cooked, and all I did was assist him with some steps, like cracking an egg. I always crack the eggs. I was texting Adrian the whole time through.
The temporary deafness I got from last night might not be so temporary after all. Imagine if I were to attend a rave. I would not survive. I accidentally slept in this morning and now I’m suffering the consequences of my own actions. I had a university tour invitation for which I RSVPed, and now I am running late. The ride there took a long time because of heavy traffic. Fortunately, my friends were already on the tour and they were updating me on what was happening. It wasn't much of anything, so I was sitting well with my tardiness. When I got to the campus, I had to show them my acceptance letter and all that. It took quite some time because the signal reception was pretty bad. Rio picked me up from where I was, and we sat on the benches far back from where the program was being held. We talked about this mutual friend we had for hours, and it was so funny. It was the most insane gossip ever. We bought one of those red velvet cookies too, and I loved them so much. Despite being at the very back, when the time came for the actual tour and walking around the university in groups, we ended up being assigned to group 1. We finished earlier than the rest, which was ironic since we were the ones who arrived late. When that was over, I met a bunch of people I knew and approached another friend with whom I shared a similar group. I met her mom and her sister, and I actually kind of became friends with them. I saw a bunch of my other friends too and had small talks. When I got back home, I didn’t get to work out anymore and just got ready for bed. I texted with Adrian again, the usual routine. We had a conversation about the last time we got mad, and I searched it up in my archived diary entries. I actually haven’t gotten mad for over two years now. That’s seriously crazy. The power went out for a bit, and I went on a call with Brie and Tony. They talked about their problems, and I was panicking because it was dark. But it was fine since it didn’t really last long.
I have Nefer’s 18th birthday to attend to. I had to be ready by like 5 PM. That’s a lot of time for a normal person. But not me. Whenever I have a big event, it kind of takes up the whole entire day for me to get ready and mentally prepare for it. I did my usual routines. I had to work out early in the morning. Early workouts are usually ideal but I haven't been able to do them because of my early classes. My orthodontist appointment was cancelled because my orthodontist got sick or something. That means more time for me to get ready so it's all good. Anyway, I took another shower, then did my makeup. I tried putting on fake eyelashes, but I don’t think they really made much of a difference. My lashes are already naturally long, so the results weren’t exactly the most exciting. I wore the green dress that fit me perfectly and did tiny braids for my hair. Before leaving the house, I got my guitar and recorded myself singing the recent song I wrote. When I got to the venue, I found my table and settled down. It was so cool since one of the songs Nefer put in her playlist for me was playing literally when I got there. After a while, I finally saw Nefer and we were both so excited. I greeted her a happy birthday, and she sat beside me! That doesn't usually happen at any coming of age party. I love how exclusive Nefer made her birthday and how it was so personalized. She had such a pretty dress on too. I had the best food ever. Plates of them were being served consecutively at our table, but I think the portion sizes were just perfect. I made friends with the people at my table so it was good. Nefer also introduced me to this other friend she had, and we kept each other company when Nefer had to do her birthday host activities and such. That said friend and I even went to the bathroom to reapply our makeup, and with her, she had to cover up this hickey she got before coming to this party. She had a physics exam before that date too. I swear Nefer is only friends with the coolest people ever. I gave her a speech while giving her the gift I got her, and it was so cute. I love her so much. We had this inside joke too that I referenced over how we were celebrating her 17th birthday because what do you mean we’re legal adults now? She also had a band playing. It’s safe to say that my eardrums became entirely dysfunctional after the party. But she did have the best music playing ever. Adrian gave me a call in the middle of the party too. It made me giggle and blush and all that. I thought it was an accident at first, but he told me he just wanted to see me, then he complimented me on my makeup. He actually treats me so well he doesn’t even get it. He promised he’d wait for me when I get back home too and to have a fun time. Nefer also performed a bunch of songs for us. If I haven’t mentioned it in this blog yet, she has the best singing voice ever. I loved all of that. She had such a cool entrance too since everyone was looking for her beforehand not knowing our whole table was at the bathroom using the toilets because we’ve all been drinking. We were having Smirnoff, so it wasn’t really all that. I didn’t get drunk either. I don’t know what my alcohol tolerance is since I don’t ever drink, but I had some bottles and it had no effects on me. We had a sing-along session too where I was given the mic at my claimed line in Taylor’s song Style where it was like “I said, I heard, oh that you’ve been out and about with some other girl”. If you know, you know. Anyway, we all had so much fun. Ending the night, Nefer escorted me out, and we filmed like the TikTok (So High School dance) we’ve been planning on doing, and I eventually got home. Adrian kept his promise. I felt bad because I got home really late, but he was waiting to go on a call with me. I don’t think he understands how much that whole gesture meant to me.
I need to complete a bunch of school requirements and file for a leave of absence. Can’t possible be that hard, right? I had my afternoon nap and did my blog. I wrote and composed a new song. I know I say this for every new one I make, but this might be the best one yet. I texted with Adrian throughout the day. I worked out then went on a call with him to watch Star Wars. We started with Episode IV: A New Hope and are planning on hopefully consuming all Star Wars content and media ever made. He’s literally perfect. We pretended like it was our first time watching it, and it was so funny. We followed the release order of the saga, and we were cracking up so many jokes. I swear I’d always love Star Wars even with countless rewatches. He did fall asleep near the end and woke up a few moments later.
I accidentally cut the back of my hands on a bush on my way to school. It looked cool. We had another one of our graduation practices. I sat beside Adrian the whole time. In one of our conversations, he brought up my dimple, and he’s the first person to have ever noticed that without me pointing it out. We had lunch together, and we finished early so we went back to where our practice was being held, and it was just an empty auditorium. We talked about how there was this huge block of what looks like an organ that has never been used ever, just taking up space, and we sat on the stairs of the stage talking about AIs and other random things. When everybody arrived back, we went back to our seats and just didn't ever stop talking. People took pictures of us on their digicams too. Then he randomly just asked me out to be his girlfriend. I said yes because why wouldn’t I? I saw no reasons in making him win me over when I was literally the first one to like him. I mean, to be completely honest, I wasn't sure at first whether or not he was just playing around or if we actually did make it official, but I think we did. After that, I went out with my friends to get hot buffalo wings. We went to our friend’s car, and there was this other dude who was tagging along. Sine was so mean, and I was trying my best to just get along with everybody. It was fun. I ordered the hottest one and the one before that with a friend who agreed we’d do halfsies and trade the wings with different spice levels. I was crying and sweating. Nobody wanted to share with us since I guess we were the only ones in the group who knew how to have fun. After eating, we literally had to excuse ourselves and get frappes because I personally needed milk to wash out the spiciness. We went to the arcade after and did some karaoke and basketball. I destroyed everyone in the basketball game. I completed it and got a top score. I went home, showered, then went out again to buy my friend a gift for her birthday this upcoming Friday. I got myself a new mat and 30kg band resistors too. Returning home for the second time, I took another shower then worked out until I was well settled enough to text with Adrian.
Fatigue is the most annoying thing ever. I managed to sleep for full hours today since Adrian slept early and since his sleep schedule is pretty normal, I’ve been winding down for bed and sleeping a lot earlier too. It’s pretty cool. I’m in a gazillion years worth of sleep debt, so it sucks that I’m still always sleepy. I wanted to workout first thing in the morning but ended up just staring at the ceiling for a while. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, I was completely empty-headed. I ate breakfast and forced myself to work out since I do have plans later on. I slept some more after that then fixed myself up since I’m going out with my parents to go dress shopping. I managed to get myself my graduation dress and some black heels to pair up with that. They’re both pretty chill. The dress does need a little bit of altering but it should be fine. I ate dinner with my parents at a Chinese restaurant before going home. When I got home, I took a bath then talked to Adrian. We were on a call until like 2 AM, which is pretty late. He ended up talking a lot near the end and I loved that because I was passing out.
We had another practice day. I went to school early in the morning to see Adrian because I guess he’s just the only person who could make me wake up earlier. He found me in the library, and we held hands. He stole me from the friends who were accompanying me because I couldn’t really find him at first. Honestly, I was just too shy to text him. It's a good thing that problem worked itself out. Or well, maybe he did because he ended up looking for me. We talked for a bit until we had to actually go to where everyone was at. We kind of ignored the seating arrangement and just sat beside each other. We were making a bunch of jokes, and apparently, our conversations were pretty loud. Not in an annoyingly excessive way, but they said they could hear it but not make out what exactly we were talking about. I was with him for almost half of the day. We had lunch together too. It was great. I think at this point, it’s always gonna be a guaranteed great time if it’s with him. After that was over, I went with Sine to the mall, and she introduced me to this new friend. I matched well with her personality. We got along with each other smoothly. I have myself to thank for that. We went around and ate too. She told me she’s going to Australia for college, so it was pretty sad. It’s kind of crazy though because she had this habit of taking a picture of absolutely anything and everything. Like I guess it’s weird for me since I don’t really take pictures as often, but hers was excessive in a cute way. I like it when people value memories. And I’m not saying I don’t, I just do it differently. I’d say I write diary entries for the same reason too. Eventually, we went to the bookstore to look at a couple of books, and Sine just completely left the two of us alone. I mean, I know I’m great at making friends, but as a common friend who invited two other friends who know nothing of each other, isn’t that a bit rude? Oh well. While Sine was entertaining another friend she met up with, we spent some time in the poetry section and read some of the books there. I eventually went home and called it a day. I took a shower, worked out, then texted with Adrian. He told me that I made him happy. That life felt great whenever I was around. I really appreciate that. I don’t really know when this certain shift happened, but it did, and suddenly, I somehow turned into this social person. I’ve always been someone who’s always been this kind of ball of energy, but now it feels so genuine. I feel like the person that the song "There She Goes" is written about.
The first thing I did today was bully my baby brother. He’s getting his hair cut this afternoon, and he was genuinely considering making it look like Aang’s just because I told him it looked cool. That was until I broke character and started laughing. Then he started screaming and running away from me like I was some kind of merciless monster. It’s funny. I ate soup for breakfast and had ice cream. I don’t really like sweets because when I occasionally have them, I get the most horrible repercussions. But I should be fine, I think. I’m going to be shopping for dresses again, but before that, I am well enough that I think I can start working out again. I have been so depressed about it, and it actually surprises me how my muscle mass isn't losing its shape at all. In fact, it’s looked pretty good with no work at all. Anyway, before going out dress shopping as planned, I did my workout. I was with my parents, and we talked about seeing Sirko again this summer in the car. They had a meeting, so I joined them at this cafe. They talked with the people they were meeting up with while I picked myself a separate table and got a frappe and some snacks. I actually dozed off completely after eating since I was waiting for a decent amount of time. I also remember having to use the restroom, but the person who was in line before me took so long I was losing it. We went to a different mall to look for the dresses. I found the most perfect one in a boutique that was just my style. The dress seemed like it was tailored for me. It fit me so perfectly, and it was the cutest thing ever. I got it in two different colors. I’ll be wearing that dress on Friday. I felt like Lorelai finding the most perfect dress. I got home and then did my same old routines.
I am better now. If there’s anything in this world that I can count on, it’ll always be my recovery time. It balances out the fact that I get sick almost every month. I was out the whole day, partly because of the heavy traffic since, as it turns out, the rainy season is back. But I’m actually shopping for three dresses: one for Nefer’s 18th birthday party, one for my graduation, and of course, prom. My schedule is packed. My parent also told me that I might be able to see Sirko again. We’re gonna work around the days she’ll be going to New York. Imagine if we met up at Central Park or like Barnes and Noble. Literally the dream. Anyway, I couldn’t settle on any dresses, unfortunately. All of them were pretty bad. I’m not even picky. I just want something simple. I ate dinner out with my parent and had a red velvet cookie for dessert. I got home pretty late. I felt bad because I told Adrian I’d talk to him when I got home, and he sleeps early, so he told me he waited for me and everything. I showered, got ready for bed, and just texted him until I fell asleep.
I didn’t play any songs in the shower yesterday because I was too sick, but I’m feeling a lot better now. I queued a playlist and knew I was back on track. Maybe not entirely - I still felt sick, like the aftermath weakness you’d usually get after being stuck in bed for an entire day. I texted with Adrian for a bit. I did my usual routines minus the gym or workout part since I wasn’t in my best physical condition. I had to run an errand too and went out for a bit. Went to an appointment and all that stuff. Adrian slept early, and it actually worked in my favor since I was already plugging my electric guitar into the amplifier. I learned American Teenager and then a couple of other easy songs. I swear I woke up one day and suddenly I was immune to barre chords. I am so glad. I have been waiting for that day since forever.
Rough day. I am bedridden. I woke up feeling like vomiting. I was burning hot, had an upset stomach, and my head was spinning. I slept the entire day and couldn't get out of bed. I felt horrible. I was out of it, only able to either stare at the ceiling with my thoughts or use my phone. I did watch Set It Up early in the morning. I wasn’t feeling as bad then. I loved the movie. It wasn’t exactly focused on the romance part of the rom-com, but I enjoyed it. I got better late at night when Adrian gave me a call. I swear this dude is good for me. You can't convince me otherwise. We talked until we fell asleep again. I was going through our old yearbooks and took a trip down memory lane. He was hardcore messing with me, and I believed everything. I swear to God, I don’t even mean to be as gullible as I seem to be, but I can’t help it.
I spent the first few hours of my day with Adrian again. It was cute and stuff. Then we had our practice, which ran by quickly as usual. After that, I went out with Adrian to grab a quick lunch. Turns out, we don’t really want to be separated. Although we both had plans, we decided to put them aside and let our friends know we'd catch up later. We went to the same place as last time and talked about more random stuff. I had fun and learned a lot of new things about him. I'm somehow getting him to talk a lot more, which is already a win in my book. I’m not going to write about the contents of our conversations since it was a lot, and I like keeping things just between us, but I enjoy his company a lot. After that, he walked me to the place where my friends were, and I actually felt bad because it meant he’d have to walk back, but he insisted. I like that he always makes sure I get back first before he does. He played ball with his friends, and I did the whole bowling thing with mine. I was failing miserably with each turn I had. I like that my friends have been so diverse recently. It’s awesome. When I got home, I made sure to text Adrian and then fell asleep for a short while. I made an effort not to oversleep since I still had things to do. With that, I showered, slept again, then lay in bed for a solid hour just doing nothing, and slept again. To be fair, I got home in the afternoon, so the sleepiness I felt was fine. My day was pretty eventful too, so I understood why my body needed rest. After that whole series of lazing around, I woke up with a bird’s nest for hair, which was cool. I then worked out, showered once again, and went on my phone for a bit. I was texting Adrian.
I met up with Adrian in the forest area of our school. We met at the bridge an hour before our scheduled call time. We wanted some time to ourselves just to talk and enjoy each other’s presence. He held my hands too, which I thought was cute. People took those extremely zoomed-in paparazzi pictures of us again. I can’t blame them. I swear we look good together. We had our Thanksgiving mass practice again in the chapel. I used that time to sleep, as usual. Adrian and I were also exchanging glances occasionally. We literally have crushes on each other. After practice, I looked for Brie, and we waited for Tony to pick us up. We’ve been planning this hangout for the longest time. Our friendship dates back to 6th grade, and I’m really grateful to have them as friends. I had the paint-it-yourself tote bags Tony bought from our class business, and we painted them at the mall. I even painted Sonic on one of them. We got some food, and I ordered my usual coconut shake because it has been my recent obsession. We caught up on a lot of things. Tony told me a couple of updates on how my ex has been. It was unsolicited, but I didn’t mind hearing it. I had a laugh. Safe to assume karma bit him back. I really went through quite a time but turned it into something good. I sat with my emotions and worked on myself. Now Tony’s telling me that my ex is making another version of me with a girl who doesn’t even like him. He emphasized how he downgraded, and I just wanted to tell him, “As long as you’re happy.” Life treats me well. I know for sure that I have no remaining feelings for him. I guess I just like that I always win in the end. Tony had to leave early because he had a bunch of missing requirements to catch up on. Once it was just me and Brie, things became chaotic. A bunch of people we’ve been avoiding started popping up out of nowhere. Our luck was being tested, especially mine, since everything I wanted to do had something in the way. The more we walked around, the more people we summoned. Whenever we’re together, we always seem to summon whoever we talk about. It’s concerning because we don’t have the best things to say about people. I bought some glue to make slime too. When I got home, I didn’t get to work out and just considered today a rest day. I helped Tony with one of his requirements and wrote an essay about Minecraft. I talked about how it’s different to play it now as an adult because we understand the value of time and do everything efficiently and quickly instead of enjoying the slow moments of learning and having fun like we did as children. After helping, I spent the rest of my night texting Adrian. We went on a call and talked about random things again. He makes me feel like such a teenager.
I’ve been playing the guitar a lot more often recently. I like how present an in the moment I’m starting to become. I have so many plans with my friends, it’s pretty overwhelming, but I think I’ll manage. I think I become a little less gloomy when I make memories. That includes my time alone too, but sometimes I tend to be pretty mindless when left alone for too long. I’ve been finding balance and contentment in my life. I’m happy. I finally finished My Best Friend’s Wedding. It had the most perfect ending ever. Knowing that Adrian liked how the ending of the movie was unconventional is making me like him more. On top of that, we share similar sentiments about Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook. How do you end up with the most perfect fiancé and replace that easily over some puppy love? I’ve been playing the guitar every day. It’s what I do most of my vacant times. My nighttime was reserved for another video call with Adrian. He told me he was happy whenever he was with me. He also does that thing where each time we end our call, he asks to see my face one last time. I mean, it usually starts out with me holding my phone, but that gets tiring when I’m literally falling asleep, so I prop it down on my bed with nothing but the ceiling showing. He asked me if I wanted him to do a promposal. He told me he wanted to. If he actually does, I think that’d be pretty cool. I’m not really expecting anything since I was originally planning on skipping prom anyway. I’m really losing the hopeless romantic in me. But at least I have a dude who claims he’s obsessed with me, and I think that might just bring back my interest in romance.
I finished a book. I had a conversation about it with Adrian yesterday, and he kind of made me want to start reading again. So I did. I feel very accomplished. I played some childhood mobile games with my brother over the phone too. We revisited our old PixelWorld accounts and pretty much fulfilled our dreams of being pro players. I relearned how to solve the Rubik's cube too. I mean, I know it by muscle memory, but anytime I get the slightest bit of consciousness, I swear I just lose my ability to solve one. Also, happy Mother’s Day! I talked to Adrian again. The usual. He showed a picture of me to his mom. He might not be playing anymore. I added him to my casual Instagram account that I usually don't let people in. I’m really invested in this. I played the guitar, worked out, all that stuff on repeat again. Adrian and I had this conversation about how I'd plan out my death. I told him I wanted to die in a cool way. The Order 66 way. He told me he'd infiltrate the Senate and perform mass murder for me. That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me.
I received a message from my friend telling me he was jealous of my abs. I get that a lot. I gave him my updated workout list, and he modified it like how Saitama would. He came back a couple of moments later, telling me he almost vomited. I swear, all I do is flex nowadays. Can you blame me? Rio is like my top glazer. He always compliments me on just about everything. I really appreciate it. I hopped on our Minecraft server late at night just to mess around. I got stacks of dirt blocks and practiced my bridging. I was challenging everyone to a PVP. It was either that, or I was being a sad girl playing and singing more sad songs on my guitar.
My entire base in Minecraft was burned to nothingness. Well, it had a few blocks and other remnants, but I found it such an eyesore that I cleared out my entire space. The server's question is: Who did it? And of all people, why mine? This arson was a declaration of war. I don't really want revenge, and I don't care about losing my builds since I'm not materialistic, but I love chaos. I made my own group and named it something I will not disclose because it would make me sound problematic. It's a joke, I swear. The server was already picking sides. Naturally, I had everyone. We started gathering materials, collecting stacks of sand and gunpowder. My other friends were maxing out their enchantments. This server will no longer experience peace. Nah, I'm being dramatic. I had a pretty nice talk with Sirko today! I miss her so much. We've both been so busy recently that we haven't had time to really sit down and talk to each other anymore. Tragic, I know. Most of my time today was spent on my usual boring routines. I ate my meals, worked out, played the guitar—pretty much just wasted my time. Not that I consider any of that a waste. I actually love boring days. I talked to Adrian for all the rest of the time I didn't spend on myself. I like talking to him.
I had my orthodontist appointment today. I woke up pretty late again, but I swear I'll get back on track with my normal sleeping schedule soon. I'm just staying true to my age right now. I’m a teenager, my internal sleep clock shifts to a later time. It's not my fault my body releases melatonin later at night. I’ve been dreading my appointment for a while now because they're removing the gap in my teeth. That’s depressing because it means I won't have the same smile as Gracie Abrams anymore. After the appointment, I accompanied my mom to the grocery store. I got myself another coconut shake and fries. I was starving. When I got home, I filmed and interviewed my mom for my brother at university. We now have potted roses at home, which is so nice. As soon as I got home, Adrian messaged me, and the rest of my time was occupied talking to him. I actually enjoyed that a lot. It was either that or spending time with my guitar. And of course, the hour dedicated to working out. A couple of hours into texting, he suggested a video call, which was a genius decision. We talked about One Piece a lot, which I loved, except he was kind of hating on Ace and killing him every chance he got. I also showed him my website and finally got the story of why he has his tattoo. For a moment, I almost believed they were temporary because he was so convincing. Either that or I'm just gullible - most likely the latter. I've always found him so cool. I learned more about his card game too. He calls me a nerd, but truth be told, he's way more of a nerd than I am. Maybe... Well, we share quite a bunch of interests, so it evens out, right? I really enjoyed talking to him. We did that until I got so sleepy. It was so cute when he asked to see me one last time before ending the call. Eventually, I got tired of holding my phone and just put it down beside me in bed. I swear he's so weird. Oh, and I'm not sure if I wrote this down in one of my entries, but originally I had no plans to go to our senior prom. Now I do - I'm going with him. He watched my favorite rom-com without me even asking. He's actually so perfect. He was making references and everything.
I went to school for another Thanksgiving Mass practice. We were at the chapel the whole time, and as anyone can probably guess, all I did was sleep. It’s not like I can stop myself either. My mind was pretty empty. That’s probably why it’s been so easy for me to fall asleep recently. Other than sleeping or occasionally singing for the choir songs because we were being supervised, I just stared at Adrian. Weird, but I think it’s pretty universal to want to look at a person you’re crushing on. The practice went by quickly. Sine invited me out for lunch, and I originally agreed to come, but near the end, I had to tap out. I knew I was one blink away from clocking out. I can’t even figure out why I was as tired as I was either. When I got home, I slept for hours, then worked out. I slept again, then watched the rom-com Adrian mentioned yesterday on our date (My Best Friend’s Wedding). I couldn't finish it because I started talking to Adrian, and I was feeling so bad for the fiancée of the dude the main character is trying to steal. Adrian knew of my plans (that I ditched) today, which is such a stalker move. He’s just like me. I can’t blame him at all. I worked out, did my usual routines, talked to him for hours again, then went on a call with another friend to have a laugh.
We had our graduation practice again. Our call time was early. I didn't really care. I was late, but I still managed to get away with it somehow. So everything was all good. I slept for almost the whole duration of the practice. We had the Thanksgiving Mass practice following that, too. They taught us a bunch of church songs, which was cool. Then Adrian asked me out. We had lunch, and I actually had fun. I am the biggest chatterbox ever. We kind of just spent the whole afternoon together. We walked around, and he attempted to hold my hand multiple times. He tried every trick in the book, and it worked out well enough. We went inside a record store too. Kind of. That’s a literal rom-com staple. Now this whole thing can either go extremely well, or I might end up becoming Summer. We went to a convenience store before departing ways. He made sure I had my ride before leaving. I can’t believe I got him to like me. I got the dude who has commitment issues to want to commit. The only committing I did today was arson in Minecraft, both of which are great feats deserving of an award.
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We had our first graduation practice. I slept every five seconds. I could barely keep my head up for a single moment. They kept telling us to stand up so frequently that my body eventually adjusted, and I was able to sleep while following their orders. My dedication to sleep will never fail to amaze me. I didn't get to talk to Adrian, but it was fine since I've always been fine with just wanting to see him. We are both incredibly nervous around each other. You'd think I'd be able to approach him since I'm naturally friendly, but no. He should take it as a compliment that I'm talking to everyone else but him (this is a Taylor reference). He makes me fold so much he doesn't even understand. Our interactions today were mostly just smiles, nods, a fist bump, and catching each other staring. We were dismissed, and I got a random invite out. I never say no to hangouts. I've been saying yes a lot more recently. I like that. I went with Sine and Ria to the mall, and I got the usual things I eat: bacon and eggs and a 16oz coconut shake, both of which are high in protein. Ria also got me my drink, and I'm absolutely grateful for that. We just talked and had lunch. I went back to school, then received a call from Adrian. He told me he just wanted to see me and that his friends wanted to say hi. So I picked up the call and did exactly that: said hi and stuff. I was giggling and kicking my feet. He was too, so it's a pretty fair thing. I got home, slept, worked out, then texted with Adrian until we fell asleep. I have so many stories and lores, and I don't know how he's even keeping up, but he remembers every detail. I'm literally weak.
Some highlights:
He called me cute and told me that he's planned out our lives. He was apparently kind of serious since he deleted the messages and everything. We talked about Star Wars, and he had this little segment where he randomly just went "holy shit," I lost it. He, and I quote, said that "I can't let u go anymore, you're really one in a billion." That was so book character of him.
I really want to skip school, but I can't. It's not so bad, though, because actually I'm excited to see this guy I have a crush on. Our usual classroom is being used by another class for some reason, so everyone is in the library. I was sort of in my head when I arrived to see my friends. I ended up showing off a bit. By a bit I meant like outright flexing my gains. I want to thank Rio for backing me up and telling everyone that my form is actually perfect. I mean, it's probably not, but I appreciate the extra glazing. We had our yearbook batch photo thing in the field. We were arranged so that the picture would look like we're spelling out 2024 or something. It took them so long to position our batch. Honestly, if I were given that task, it would've been done in 10 minutes tops. Not that I minded standing for like 3 or 4 hours since I was beside Adrian anyway. We talked for so long. I honestly can't believe people told me he doesn't talk because I beg to differ. We have a lot in common. Tell that to past me because I thought we were complete opposites. After that, we kind of went our separate ways since we both had things to do. Then we were called to another location for orientation. I don't really remember much since I wasn't exactly conscious. School is starting to feel like a fever dream. I'm always half asleep, and I blame it on the school air. The worst part is that I can't even doze off because the chairs are so uncomfortable. Eventually, I just stood up and filmed with my friends for our project. Adrian did talk to me again once everything calmed down. My friends told me we looked cute. I totally agree. He was leaning in to listen. I talk a lot, so usually, people don't bother listening anymore. He walked me home and told me to walk slower. That encounter was so cute. I think our topic was balloon tapping. I'm an aspiring balloon-tapping athlete. He supports me, so I feel like I'm winning at life.
Here are a couple of things I learned that made me like him even more:
He's known me and kind of liked me for 6 years, allegedly. Maybe? He's willing to introduce me to his parents (probably not), and he actually finds me attractive. He told me he wanted to show me off to his sister. That's a good sign in my book. And he wants to use my baby pictures (which he acquired from stalking). He told me he has pretty bad social skills and that the average person, if not everyone he's ever talked to, has only lasted a 20-minute conversation with him. We've been talking for hours. He genuinely finds me interesting, actually listens, and gives the best compliments. I didn't even mention it, but he told me he'd beat up my ex. He so could. He spams his pick-up lines, yet he's so respectful at the same time. This guy is literally perfect. No, but actually, I could've sworn he was genuinely interested in everything I had to say, especially when I told him I played games like School Days and Xenoverse. Lowkey kind of insane.
I woke up with a good morning text. I'm back in the game. I originally wanted to become an absolute degenerate today and just play Minecraft for the whole day, but I didn't. I learned a lot of songs on the guitar. I went out for dinner with my parents and bought myself a new sweater. I got my nails done too. I was kind of in a state of panic since I had this project I didn't know needed a physical copy. I had a group, but I was the only one I could really rely on. They were all outside. I'm not really complaining. I was outside too, but I guess I'm more resourceful. I was rushing to make a poster that needed to be printed out on an A3 poster paper. I ended up finishing on time just before dinner was served. I'm a professional crammer. A retired one, but I still got the skill set. I got my nails done too. They're red now! Going back home, my dad passed by the Apple store and impulsively bought my baby brother an iPad. He's literally five. It was my and my brother's dream iPad too. Since you know, we're artists and all that. Not that we minded it but it was pretty awesome. I went back home and worked out. I've been locked in for months now. I talked with Adrian again. I played Minecraft with friends too but my attention was pretty divided since again, Adrian had my attention. I had to lay off for a bit though and film a video with my classmates. It was a zoom presentation. I was really clean with my lines. I was in charge of editing too and it was such a bore. I didn't even cut out anything on my part. It was my partner that made it so much harder. But it was fine, it was pretty funny.
May the 4th be with you. I didn't want to wake up. It worked in my favor since I haven't had any proper sleep in a while. Yesterday was also very eventful, and I was intoxicated for the latter half of the day - with very little food fueling me. My top school’s decisions are out. It took such a long time for me to see it because of the website crashing multiple times. I got in. I got into my top pick, Bachelor of Science in Accountancy. It's gonna be hard, but I'm gonna get through it. I officially got into all the universities I applied to. Can we all just take this moment to appreciate that? Skylar got in too, and I'm really proud of him. He mentioned how I was one of the people he saw great success in. It means a lot, and since that's how I view him too. I played more Minecraft for the rest of the day. I talked to Adrian again, and he just fits perfectly into my schedule. His texting style really grew on me, even though he's really flirty and has pickup lines up his sleeve every 5 minutes. We have this inside joke about how we're both just playing with each other. It's funny. But his close friend did tell Skylar, who told me, that "if u tried talking to him about Cy hes gonna be ecstatic abt her and them." Skylar confirmed this seriousness, and apparently, he's "not just infatuated and she's actually only in his mind." That's crazy because I actually like that we both seem like we're playing with each other. I swear I have an effect on people. I worked out, talked to him again, played more Minecraft, and of course, had the company of my guitar while doing all that.
I'm wearing a blue sweater. Thats says a lot more than it should. I went to school for a reason. I was driven by a certain force. Adrian approached me first thing in the morning, or rather, it took quite some time, but it was within the first period. He asked for my opinion on the monologue he wrote, and before I knew it, the entire conversation turned into a confession. Turns out, he had been rehearsing the confession thing since yesterday. He told me his script was originally about asking me which archetype I chose for my monologue and if I could help him with his. I suggested we reenact it to honor his efforts. I wasn't even trying to pull on purpose. I had no intentions of pursuing anything at all. He didn't even know I liked him. Maybe an idea at most. How is it possible to have such pull without doing anything? What are the chances that the guy you like actually likes you back and was planning on approaching you? We talked the entire school day, not exaggerating - not a single second went by without us talking. This was surprising because he's known for being quiet, which some people consider his biggest flaw. I found him funny, and we discovered we had a lot in common. He's watched One Piece too! His favorite series was where I got my "Donde Esta la biblioteca" reference from, which was kind of funny because he seemed to be saying everything I wanted to hear. He even fangirled over Taylor Swift. When I asked him what songs he knew, he was prepared and sang lines from "So High School". I had that song assigned to him and it's such a crazy coincidence. He also shared his boxing lore, something I have been wanting to hear about for so long. He flexed his undefeated title and how he was retired now. Everything was so funny. We talked so much that our muscles got sore from not moving. I mean, we sat in the same place for so long. And they say he doesn't talk? He was actually genuinely interesting. Eventually, we started walking around campus since sitting down wasn't doing it for us. Many people greeted us in the hallway. People were making their assumptions by whatever was going on between us. He even got me a cookie, which I found sweet. Before we parted ways, or at least before we thought we had to, he asked me to walk home with him instead of my other friend, so I agreed. We talked more, and he even tried asking me out, but it didn't work out since I'm quite busy. He said if I hadn't come to school that day, he would've given up. It was all about timing. Everything felt so natural. Like really, really organic. He asked for my number too. The whole day, I forgot I even had a phone. My friend, who had my phone, took several stalker-quality pictures of us. He mentioned he had known about me years ago because one of his friends liked me. I'm pretty sure I rejected that friend. Tragic.
I continued my day with the other friend I had plans with. We went to the mall to get Biscoff, checked out some shops, and just talked. We also went to the arcade and did a couple of rounds of karaoke. Pretty epic. I saw another friend of mine, and we had a small talk. He told me how Adrian had actually gone to our mutual friends (the friend group with Skylar) and asked for their permission or some sort of go signal to pursue me. He better not take that back. We then went to a coffee shop, got rum and gin, ate wings, and gossiped for a while. I even got a "hey girly" text, you know, from past girls of a guy reaching out to warn you. I'm kind of immune to that though. I usually come in people's lives as a form of karma. I had a fun time. Then I had to go back to school because I promised Brie I'd watch her last concert. She's been in percussion almost all her school years - she's actually really cool. I watched it with Tony, Bokuto, their siblings, and Brie's other best friend. We were like supportive stage moms. When I got back home, I was so exhausted. I still managed to work out, play Minecraft, and talk with Adrian. It took me some time to adjust to the way he talks. I'm sort of backing off a bit, but we'll see where this leads. He says all the right things which is all awesome in paper. My Minecraft house is also really cool. I made a bakery and everything.
God, I'm actually invested. Think I really want this. I'm not even kidding. I've been listening to Risk ever since its release. Okay, well, maybe a couple more days before it, too, because it was an unreleased track that just got its studio version. I'm not even a narcissist, but I've been getting comments about how I'm actually glowing and getting prettier. I have a theory. It might be because of this one dude. I'm giving him a name because I'm really sort of serious about it. So, Adrian. All I know is that he does boxing and is a scout. We've had a handful of interactions recently. He's the same dude who lent me his pen. I think I talked about him here once before. I might be the biggest fumbler to ever step on land. Skylar has been talking to him about me. He called my name alongside Adrian's, and I dismissed it, saying, "Not now, I have a monologue." That's fine and all, but Skylar also told me how Adrian wanted to talk to me and was actually interested, but I was making him shy. How did this situation happen? Well, see, I think it's because whenever he'd try to approach, I'd run off. Am I okay? It's not even just that. I got caught staring, too. Skylar caught me red-handed (literally pointed at my direction) and I ended up stumbling over my own chair, which I didn't even know was possible considering I was literally sitting down. During my monologue, he was not taking his eyes off me, and I started stuttering, and Skylar just had to say weird comments out loud about how I shouldn't look in a certain direction. He was smiling, and it was so cute because he has dimples, and I was losing my words, and it wasn't even my fault. Our schedule today is really short, so it's depressing. I may or may not be messing this up. I have a month left in this Godforsaken school.
School tomorrow isn't required tomorrow but I'm going anywayy because I am so scared of losing any more time.
The sun has been up for quite some time, and I still have not slept. I told my friends I'd wake up early (12 PM) so that we could continue our little Minecraft world. Any person with a brain could figure out that I definitely wouldn't be able to wake up around that time. They waited for me while my alarm clocks made their best attempts to wake me up, none of which worked. What I'd consider my next day came, and I took so long in the shower. I was practicing my monologue because I really couldn't be bothered to do that anywhere else. I have this economics test tomorrow that I haven't studied for, and it's kind of concerning because I literally do not plan on studying. The Senioritis is getting to me. I played Minecraft the whole day. Half of that time spent on Minecraft was spent on terraforming. The other half was spent trying to get sheep to cross an area full of wolves. But then I got frustrated and just killed any creature that showed hostility. My builds are turning out so well. I miss this so much. I got off the screen for a while to do a couple of things. I had my everything shower, I redyed my hair, I practiced my monologue, then put together a costume for that said monologue.
Gracie's first single is out. I finally have the studio version of Risk. I had a countdown and watched the new music video live. She's an absolute genius, and I love her so much.
I continued playing Minecraft with friends until very late.
I am booked. Friends are inviting me one after the other. It's nice that they think of me. I have to admit, I'm literally fun to be around. Louise messaged me asking if I could come over to his house. Why would I ever say no to a friend’s invitation? I finished writing my summary notes for my economics class, wore whatever was on top of my closet, and didn't even hesitate to go out. I've been saying yes a lot more often these days. Today was actually really fun.
I arrived at his house, and he cooked stir-fried noodles and tteobboki for us. Another friend of mine mentioned she'd follow up. In the meantime, I played the guitar and chatted with my friend about our university acceptances. We both got accepted to all the ones we applied to. The thing is, we had no backups either. We went straight for the top universities and didn't think twice. When our other friend arrived, I ordered Krispy Kreme for everyone just to be a good guest, and we watched a horror movie. I'm really bad at horror movies. Whenever I watch one, I get the worst after-effects and get so jumpy. The whole time we were at my friend's house, I clung onto them. They knew not to leave me alone in a room because I would literally start running and stumbling over everything. It's kind of funny. I mean when I literally got home, I ended up scaring my mom with how much I was screaming at every single slight of noise. I messaged my friends before watching the movie that I was going to need someone to go on a sleep call with me because I might actually die. Anyway, it was super fun. When my other friend left, I practiced a bit of my monologue, and we called it a night. It was an overall really awesome day.
When I got back, I showered for like 2 hours, ate, and worked out. I joined another group of friends' VC, and I ended up joining their Minecraft server. I had so much fun. It was so refreshing playing with people who weren't try-hards. I was the same old "die every 5 seconds" type of player, and someone would pick me up from spawn because I'd always have bed respawn point problems. I played until 2 AM. And somewhere around that time, I started texting with Nefer. We texted until 5 AM.
I woke up late like any other teenager. I'm memorizing my monologue for a performance I'm having this upcoming Thursday. I'm aleady well familiarized with the script so I'm just practicing my expressions and refining it now. Classes were cancelled for half the week so I have time for a lot of things. I chose to be dead this whole entire day. I didn't do much else besides go on Youtube, workout, and literally nothing else.
Gracie just announced her new album. It's called "The Secret of Us" (yes, GA2 has a name), and I absolutely cannot wait. She's releasing it on June 21, but her first single, "Risk," will be out on May 1! I love this so much because we actually live the same exact lives, and her new album is the exact phase I'm currently in. I still have the "I love you, I'm sorry" bracelet around my wrist, and I have no plans of ever taking them off, not even in the shower.
This song might actually make me take the risk. Look at me now, I said I wouldn't do it but I (might start hunting) hunted you down. I have so much of her unreleased songs memorized. I already knew this single from way back. I'm so excited to have it on streaming platforms. Fun fact, I have a teeth gap right now and it's the cutest thing ever. I am literally Gracie Abrams.
I got a 98 on the math proficiency section of the exam. Such a high score for a top university, and needless to say, I was accepted. I'm taking BS Accountancy, which is a quota course, so I'm really proud of myself. I mean, imagine taking a test for 8 whole hours and then finding out you almost aced the math portion of it. I had pretty good scores in the other subjects too, but a 98 in math? That's insane. It's a standardized college exam. And I didn't even study for this one. I've always considered myself smart, but not that smart. My friends were rejected. They did well, though. I am so lucky. I've passed 3 out of the big 4 universities. My brother, who attends the university I just got accepted into, has been warning me for over a year to avoid it at all costs. Apparently, I wouldn't be able to make it out alive if I pursued it. Yikes. I'm just glad that all of my hard work is paying off.
It's Brie's birthday! I was up until 4 AM last night. Initially, I was about to sleep pretty early in the night, but I received a missed call from Brie, so I called her back. I grabbed a candle out of thin air because I'm an absolute magician, lit it up, then sang her a happy birthday. Tony joined us and shared gossip too. They eventually went to sleep, but I couldn't. I joined Teth and another friend in a call, and we did room tours. It was fun. When I woke up, I found out that I got into another top university, as I mentioned in the first paragraph of this entry. After breakfast, I watched the two new episodes of Queen of Tears. I was sobbing my eyes out. I was so distraught that I didn't do much else that day besides crying. I waited a few more hours for the last episode's release of the same K-drama, and when it did, best believe I was barely catching my breath. I cried so hard. Once I finished, I went on my phone to check my socials and tell my friends about how Queen of Tears was ruining me. I also noticed a few texts from classmates asking me about the liquidation report for our annual report. I took care of that promptly. A constant topic I kept bringing up was my 98 in math. I can't help showing off. it's such a great feat that no one can argue otherwise. The friend I was on call with even told me he informed his mom about my 98. It's such an impossible score to get on a literal standardized college test, but hey, I pulled off the impossible too. The call ended up turning into a long conversation (mostly because I kept going off track) about the other guy on the call's love life, or now, lack thereof. I slept around 4 AM again. I'll bounce back to my normal healthy life when the weather calms down.
I have a few articles of clothing I wish I could just trash. Coincidentally, they're all blue. For some reason, whenever a guy asks me out, I pick out a blue shirt that I've never worn before and ruin it. This would've been fine if guys didn't give me any bad memories. But now, those clothes are beyond salvage because they reek of horrible memories, and I refuse to wear them ever again. I swear I'm about to learn a combat sport just to keep guys away from me.
I woke up late. The weather is so horrible I can't even go out anymore. I haven't ran for like a week, and it's making me depressed. I have this Literature assignment that's worth 50% of my grade, and I'm barely making any progress on it. We're supposed to make a monologue based on an archetype we think aligns well with our personality. It's part of the criteria to connect it with a real-life experience too. I absolutely hate sharing things about myself. I feel so uncomfortable letting people get to know me. Don't get me wrong, I'm for sure friends with everyone. But trust me, they're all barely scratching the surface of who I am as a person. I struggled with this the whole day. I was watching last week's episode of Queen of Tears too. The antagonist makes me so mad. I get that he has this sad traumatic background, but he's so insufferable it was making me aggravated. My brother also dragged me to the mall with him. He wanted to get his laptop updated. I put on a hoodie, put my hair up in a claw clip, and just left behind my assignment. We went to the game store, and he picked out stuff for whatever he wanted modified. While they were fixing all that, my brother lent me his chair, which I did not expect coming from him. Small things like that remind me that we've grown a lot older from how petty we used to be back then. I got home, played the guitar for a bit, showered, then went back to stare at my computer screen. This assignment is going to be the death of me, and I don't ever struggle with academic things.
I finished that said assignment an hour later and I was being overly dramatic for no reason.
I lose my smile for a single second in school, and people ask me if they did something wrong. They tell me they're not used to it, and it's scary. I wasn't even doing anything - I just closed my mouth for not even that long. Finals week is about to be over. We're having our final exam, and it's only on Literature. I do really, really well in this class. The light of freedom at the end of the tunnel is within sight. We were monitored by our advisory teacher, and she isn't the strictest when it comes to taking tests. The class took advantage of this opportunity. My friend gave me his eraser, and I wrote my whole test paper on it. I'm not exactly selfish with my answers, so it was fine. The exam ended, and just like clockwork, everybody started asking about questions they were unsure of on the test. I heard my name being called from a distance. See, my answers matter a lot because I am literally the top student in this class. The answer to question number 20 was A. I love you, too. I am malfunctioning. Of all the questions, that's the answer you're looking to find? After that, I went back home and changed my clothes. I had my orthodontist appointment for my braces adjustments and also got my teeth cleaned. This didn't take that long. My mom had to run a couple of errands, and I just stayed in the car, entirely passed out. I got home to an email. It was my dad's top pick school for me. I got waitlisted. I feel like such a disappointment. But being waitlisted also meant that I did pass. I was just unlucky. What more could I have done? Do you think I'd owe it to the world to be sad? Would they lay off if I were self-deprecating? I feel like when you're a bit too on your own two feet, people are more inclined to bring you down. It's so hard. I felt like crying. I had to compose myself after this major loss. I ate my dinner, worked out, and did not lose sight of my current priorities. I'll do what I can for now, and that's getting the highest grade on every assignment I'm given. I got a text from Skylar saying he got rejected too. We're in the same exact boat, and that kind of comforts me even for just a little bit. We're just disappointed because we feel like we're letting our parents down. But we're trying our best to keep it positive. It'll do for now. I was not able to sleep as early as I had planned because my brother came back from his university and had me help him out with some plates. Time went by quickly, and it was already an hour or two past midnight. He told me a bunch of interesting stories he has accumulated since the last time we saw each other. I eventually got sleepy and went back to my room. Instead of sleeping, I redownloaded Bandlad and made a hyperpop song. I am mental.
I don't like people who are quick to assume things. I had to take a lot of deep breaths this morning. I would like to be left alone, please (probably the most used phrase in this blog). The whole school day was floor time for me. I slept on the floor at any chance that I got. And I had a lot. I'm already done with almost every task I have left for this semester. I only have one exam tomorrow, which I've already studied all the contents for since we had a recent test on the exact same lesson, so I'm pretty calm. I slept again after school. It was getting repetitive, and I was running out of things to study early in the day. I managed to work out, write for my blog, watch a couple of YouTube videos, and do my last blurting session on the whiteboard. I should be able to get top marks for the exam tomorrow.
I have this weird gut feeling that I can't seem to shake off. I've had it for a while now. I can't point out what exactly I'm detecting and why my entirety refuses to trust this person. Something is off, and I feel bad for her because she has been nothing but nice. I reciprocate this kindness, but I don't think I can be vulnerable around her. Everything about her screams whatever the opposite of genuine is. Is it because I find it difficult to translate myself to her? I may not be able to articulate this right now, but I for sure will not be dismissing it.
I haven't seen my glasses for over a month now, which is understandable because how am I supposed to see them when I'm literally blind? Okay, I'm totally exaggerating - my eye grade isn't that high. I had my eye checkup today at the ophthalmologist, and as expected, my eye grade went up. This meant that I had to get my glasses changed. That's convenient because I can finally replace my old ones. We went to the mall to buy new frames. I never liked my old ones. We took them to the optometrist and gave them my prescriptions. I should be able to receive them within six business days from now. I really like the frames I chose. They're thick, black-rimmed ones. I looked for the perfect one for almost an hour, which might seem excessive, but since it's an everyday item, I can't just pick ugly ones. I spent the whole day with my mom. I didn't connect my phone to the aux and just talked with her during our car rides. When I got home, I took a short nap, showered, and got down to work. I caught up on my blog from yesterday and then started writing for my video essay. I filmed the said video essay and just read from a teleprompter. We're lucky enough that our teacher allowed it. It was about freedom for our philosophy class. We were basically making up our own theory. I called mine the Symbiotic Autonomy Concept. After that, I did another essay for my Literature class and then slept.
Shards of glass were on the floor. Though I'm not particularly superstitious, I've heard that breaking glass is considered a sign of good luck. I was lucky not to cut myself. I had 9 AM classes, so I was able to take my time getting ready. I made it to school just in time, and my outfit was the first thing people commented on. They asked why I looked like I was wearing a pump cover. I was. They know me so well. If you were to lift my hoodie up, it was pretty obvious that I was eager for school to end. I'm having leg day today and I'm really looking forward to it. Today, I wasn't with my usual friend group. I ended up joining a different one during lunchtime. My classmates have unanimously agreed that I'm the most neutral person in class. I like that I'm cool with everyone. During PE, I kidnapped Brie from her class and she helped me learn referee hand signals for both volleyball and basketball. It was so sudden when our teacher announced it out of nowhere, giving us barely any time to memorize, but being the smart girl that I am, I didn't struggle much. Now, I've acquired this new talent of being a referee. I made sure to show off this newfound skill. I abruptly joined the VC where my friends were at and flaunted my new referee skill set. They were impressed, and I felt pleased with their response. Later on, I received another call from the finance people of our batch. There's only a handful of selected people who know how to handle accounting and financing. I am one of them. We did the math quickly and then had a casual chat. It was so funny because I was talking in encrypted analogies. It was so undetectable that it ended up being the downfall of one of my friends who tried to join in on my double entendres that nobody else understood.
Long story short, I survived. Maybe even a little more. I got a perfect score in our Philosophy long comprehensive test, Literature long test, Theology oral exam, and Research defense. Nobody else is doing it better than I do. Definitely did a lot more than survive. That, and I experienced blushing again. A certain piece of information reached me. It was from Skylar. He interrupted me in the middle of my revisions. I started stumbling over my words. The simplest thing, and my head started spinning again. In a good way, I think. Basically, he confirmed that I was capable of reaching the untouchable. Attaining the impossible. That the said untouchable, and I quote, would take me seriously and treat me so well if I had just given him the chance. I was at a loss for words. This dude has literally been my default for years. This is why you'd never know things unless you try. Because what do you mean if I gave him a chance? Is it not supposed to be the other way around? Now, he doesn't know that he has been the person I come back to. Everybody kind of likes him. The Ryan Reynolds kind of admiration - which is another way of saying even straight guys are crushing on him. Everyone has well acknowledged the guy that he is. Not even just as a physically attractive person, but like he matches up with my grades, kind of smart. Without trying. And he boxes. He doesn't talk to girls either. How the fuck did I pull this? I have no idea and never would've if Skylar hadn't brought it up in their conversation. I mean, I appreciate him as a person, but I am not in the right state of mind for any relationships right now. Objectively, this would've been great. But with how I am currently, I am still in desperate need of fixing. But it's good to know that I am someone desirable enough. I'm going to be distancing away myself from this situation but will be putting my locket on reserved.
I slept for a solid three hours after school. I didn't get any proper sleep last night, so it was much-needed. I worked out and used the rest of the night to catch up on as much rest as I could.
I've always been the girl next door. My ego has just been boosted. I'm usually insecure, so this is a rare occurrence. My glow-ups should be studied. I'm saying this because of the random series of texts I got from Brie.
My head isn't cooperating with me right now. I've had this massive headache since last night, and I don't think it's going away anytime soon. My mom has been getting me muffins every day, and today I got the cheesecake-flavored one! I studied the whole day, starting around 12, with my friends accompanying me on a call. Tomorrow, I have my research defense, theology oral exam, literature long test, and philosophy long test, all of which are concept-based topics. I alternated between these subjects in my schedule to space out my study sessions and retain more information for the long term. My productivity was at its peak; the only rest I took was for sustenance and my scheduled workout breaks. Otherwise, I continued studying until 2 AM. Around 1 AM, my friends and I started losing our minds. For an hour straight, we joked about the wages of sin being similar to the salaries and wages topic we had discussed earlier. We joked that if we sinned this late at night, our "hourly rate" for sins would be OT (x1.3), Night shift (x1.5), and Rest day (x2.0) in the DTR. After an hour of that, we realized our brains couldn't function for more studying, so we called it a night.
"Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" And I did. People figured to associate the song I Can Do It With a Broken Heart with me. Is it too soon to acknowledge my success? I cry a lot, but I am so productive. It's an art. The mindset I'm trying my hardest to insist on having is keeping me together. I'm getting everything I want and others might just consider me the happiest person alive but the weight I carry is keeping me grounded. I feel like I'm falling apart, but somehow, I never completely do. I'm a real tough kid. I can and have been handling my shit. I had my 5-kilometer run followed by the heaviest breakfast I've had this year. I slept afterwards for almost 3 hours. I prepared for my day after cleaning myself up and wearing comfortable clothing. I have a lot on my plate. I made my to do list and I had a total of over 26 tasks I needed to complete. I was quick to start my very focused study session. I got through almost half of the list by the end of the day. I was on a call with this one dude just for the sake of productivity. I was studying for about 10 or so hours. I did take a 2-hour break to watch an episode and a half of Queen of Tears. I sobbed. I was distraught. I lost it. I did my workout a little while after that. My schedule is always so full. I swear I have no time for anything else these days. I think the thing that made my day a bit stressful was my Literature class. Our teacher gave us 9 whole documents each with 20 pages each to study for the contents of the test we're having this Monday. Which she never taught, might I add. Like genuinely not a single lesson was discussed. The documents were absolute information dumps. Oh well, I managed to power through it.
University decisions are out. At least the most important one is. Not necessarily my top choice, but it's everyone's. If I pass this, I basically passed every other university ever. So how did I do? I got waitlisted into the course I applied for (can't blame anyone because only 60 students are accepted each year), but got into another campus and course. The acceptance rate is at 11%. That's not accounting for the acceptance rate of each course, and I took on accountancy. Who the hell takes on accountancy? It's like I had a death wish. But I'm really proud of myself. I got in! I passed! I am making the top school of the country my backup school. If I don't get into the school with the course I want, I might accept the acceptance of this one. I dressed up for my business meeting thing. I came to school and was greeted with praises. Everyone congratulated me except for my pathological liar friend who has this secret animosity with me. She tried lumping me in with her rejection and even tried to lie that she got rejected. But she had already told everyone the average she got and her test results. People who got in had theirs hidden. She's smart but I swear she can be pretty sick in the head sometimes. I'm happy. Today wasn't really anything special. We didn't do anything in school besides sit down. While we weren't doing anything, I wrapped my Taylor Swift Eras Tour long sleeves around my head like a bandana. I needed to optimize my listening. You have to trust me on this, but I looked so cool. I saw a picture (with a stalker angle) of me later on and wondered why I actually looked so stylish. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the album.
The Tortured Poets Department. Right Where You Left Me might have just been demoted. The Bolter has taken its spot as my favorite Taylor Swift song. No, I am no longer right where anyone left me. Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? She fell through the ice and came back alive. The timing is perfect. A girl no one would ever be able to chase. Excellent fun 'til you get to know her. Then she runs like it's a race. Behind her back, her best mates laughed and they nicknamed her "The Bolter". The song I was anticipating the most was actually I Can Do It With A Broken Heart. I'd say I made the best judgment. It was first on my ranking before I listened to the second album. I have so much to say about each song. The moment I finished listening to every song, I had over 4 hours worth of screen time in my Safari and Genius.com. If you're curious, here's my ranking (all songs not included):
1. The Bolter
2. I Can Do It With A Broken Heart
3. Down bad
4. Highschool
5. I Hate it Here
6. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys
7. So Long, London
8. thanK you aIMee
9. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived
10. The Alchemy
11. The Black Dog
12. The Prophecy
13. The Tortured Poets Department
14. Who's Afraid of Little Old Me
15. loml
16. Fortnight
17. imgonnagetyouback
18. Cassandra
19. I look at people’s windows
20. Peter
I learned The Bolter in the guitar. I love music theory. I figured out the chords and tabs on my own. I am out of the loop. Keep it that way. Do not update me, leave me alone. I also filmed a TikTok. I'm recreating something (dancing to Twice's What is Love). It's funny, I swear. I worked out, did my blog, watched another episode of the K-drama I'm currently watching, and then studied. Before sleeping, I remembered that I had almost skipped my dinner. Not the best thing because I'm pretty sure I only had a protein bar for lunch. Yeah, no wonder I'm not gaining weight. I cut my hair too just for the occasion of an almost relapse. I played a bit more of my guitar, then studied once more before falling asleep.
I definitely was not sane this morning. I woke up, scrambled for my phone, and then played the most depressing playlist I had just to doze off to it. My mind no longer feel like it's mine and I wish I could do something about it. I had the slowest morning ever. I am being summoned to school for something I am not even liable for. They're having this mock proposal for their business plan. I am a person who's often expected but never appreciated. If I were to attend, all I'd get in return is the teacher who's out to get me rolling her eyes and throwing a bunch of snide remarks. Who would want to sign up for that? I am simply not attending something I wouldn't be getting credit for. It's not that I do things solely for the sake of some appreciation, but it would be nice to receive when all you've done is be nice while they exploit you for your work. This isn't included in my hours as a student, and I don't see a single benefit from dipping my feet into this mess. I would've done this favor if they weren't wishing for my downfall. But I'm not that defiant. I did still end up helping with some finances. I'm still watching Queen of Tears, and as the name itself suggests it, I am tearing up every episode. It's actually so good. I don't even know how to feel with the parallel storylines happening simultaneously. I feel new emotions every 5 minutes, and I'm not exaggerating. Taylor is releasing The Tortured Poets Department tomorrow and I know it's gonna hit me like a bus. We'll see if I'd even still have anymore tears left to cry. Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die.
I reconfigured my iPhone's setup into a dumb phone. I enabled grayscale and simplified everything on it. I'm hoping to lessen down my screentime to an hour per day. I'm trading the time I've wasted online on meditating. I'll try to build up my daily success rate on that. Also, I got another text message asking me for my ab workout. And it's from a boy. This is like the 4th one this month. I don't even wear crop tops that often anymore. Maybe it's the tight-fitting shirts? But also, I can't help that my gains are practically genetics. I'm maintaining it, but I've always had a great physique. I'm actually so proud of myself. I wish they'd ask for legs and glutes too. For the record, the current list uploaded on my Listography account is actually inaccurate. I have modified it a lot since my last update.
Deep breaths, empty mind. Disassociate, zone out, and write.
I sobbed myself to sleep tonight. I love hitting the bottom sometimes. I was scared. It might be because of Taylor's new album release a couple of hours from now. The grief I feel is the proof of love I need. The same amount might not have been reciprocated, maybe not even at all, but I know that it was genuine on my side. I want to be seen one day. I know I claim that I'd rather be a concept than anything, but wouldn't it be nice to experience being seen even just once? This might seem selfish, considering it would take the longest time for anyone to even attempt understanding me. To be quite frank, only a handful of people ever have. That selection of friends was the ones I got from 8th and 6th grade too. If I were to love again, I hope it lasts. I am definitely not made for anything temporary. I don't operate that way, and that's something I'd argue I have no control over. Blame all the books and movies for turning me into the biggest hopeless romantic ever. I don't think I've ever remained anywhere metaphorically and physically. I'm the type to come and go. Isn't it stupid that I'm asking for something not temporary? I mean, the thought process to that is pretty simple. It’s either I remain as something passing or become the constant in a life so changing.
Another 5-kilometer morning run done and dusted. My left ankle is still sprained. It was hurting so bad I genuinely thought about going back home and just skipping today's run. But I couldn't because I wore such a nice set. I am literally a girl, leave me alone. Speaking of things that should leave me alone, men should also keep their distance far away from me. I get so repulsed, no offense. This is gonna sound mean, and I am fully aware that I shouldn't be so shallow, but a dude my age who wasn't the most attractive approached me from behind during my run. He was on a bike too, so he had to make a full stop at an incline. I could've sworn I was getting jumped. I live in a gated community with numbers on houses. I have headphones on when I run, so people should really take a hint. The only people I want to talk to in the morning are probably the three old dudes I see walking every day. They're so cute. I did not see them today. I've been complaining a lot about not having pull anymore, and God probably wanted me to shut up. See, why can't I put that pull to good use with some dude I'd actually like? Oh my God, I am a mean person who will soon receive her karma. I changed and lay down on the sofa while watching Queen of Tears to cool down. I think this series has conditioned me to literally start blushing each time I hear that one soundtrack they play at any mediocrely sweet scene. I would literally start giggling and kicking my feet. It's well communicated in the show that they don't even love each other. I am losing my mind. Also, my mom bought me a bunch of protein bars. Pretty cool. After I showered and had my breakfast, I slept for about 2 hours. I'm not sure anymore how long I slept. I meditated exactly at 11 AM and decided to make the smartest move of laying down on my bed. I don't think I'd ever be able to figure out when the whole meditation thing turned into me sleeping. I needed to clear my head though; I've been stressing since early this morning over the most insignificant person. Okay, maybe a person with a tiny bit of significance. But still. I read my textbook for a while and made a mock test while I was at it so I could make studying for my future self easier. I ate a lot. I had wings for dinner. I'm still watching Queen of Tears. I did a cover of "Scared of My Guitar" by Olivia Rodrigo. I have been avoiding that song for a while. Glad to be making its acquaintance through my guitar too. I've traded something that's good for what's right. After that, I worked out, showered, then went on a call with Ria. We are catching up on our writings.
I need to relearn how to walk. My left ankle is hurting again. I can't even walk right without injuring myself. What am I on? No, I wasn't able to run this morning. I did still wake up pretty early. I don't have anything due tomorrow, but I have some topics I want to study just to get the overwhelming feeling of having multiple deadlines next week out of my system. I am also submitting another application for university. The decisions are coming out next month, and I'm wishing for the best. My mom got me chocolate muffins to start my day. They're my absolute favorite. School is canceled for almost the whole week, so I'm taking it easy. I got to catch up with Sirko, which was fun. Nefer also sent me a bunch of voice memos of her high school lore. I was eating it up. I love her so much. I didn't get to finish it, though, because I had a couple of things I still needed to do. I went on a productivity call with Ria. She was writing her blog, and I was preparing for my oral exam on Friday. I also made a new Lego contraption! I made a pretty simple design with the resources that I had. I wish I had those engineering sets, but who am I kidding? I barely have time to start the bunch of hobbies I bought with the intention of starting but never did queued up. After I finished with all those, I started a new Netflix K-drama. It's called Queen of Tears. I've heard a bunch of good feedback from my hand-selected friends. It had a very fever dream-like first episode. But as confusing as it was, it got me hooked. I worked out pretty late then just did my night routines. I swear I'm too busy for anything nowadays.
I'd rather be in a sundress, getting tan lines, than doing anything else. It's the perfect day to be at the beach. Except I'm more of a night walk by the coast person, and as much as I love the sun, I hate when it burns. I have no idea why, but I get sunburns so easily. A day with Sirko at Disney California literally gave me sunburns. Anyway, my new alarm clock makes me feel like I'm a Tamagotchi - weirdly specific, but at least it does its job of waking me up. One of the mysteries in life I currently think about so often is whatever happened to my ID. It disappeared one fateful day, never to be found again. And that's bad because I get asked for it so often. I'm one offense away from doing community service. School was pretty chill as usual. I got to class, and Skylar saved me a seat. I appreciated the gesture. The thing about that too was that it was beside my most favorite pink bag. At one point, we had to do some group work, and I did my task as a good student. We also used up the remaining time to plan out a hangout with half of the class. We're planning to go to this amusement park and skip a day to mess with the teachers. Pretty funny if you ask me. The groups were shuffled, and I was next to the pink bag again. Isn't that so cute? I love the color pink so much. We had to write some essays for our next class, and I didn't have a pen. I asked around for a pen except for one person who I notice I exclude a lot, but I swear it's not on purpose. I just get really nervous with that one person. Take it as a compliment, really. Reaching for the pink bag, he got a black pen and lent it to me. See, if it weren't for this pen, I would've failed. I made sure to thank him in the awkwardest, most extended thank you ever. I was about to tell my entire life story if I wasn't interrupted. So grateful for that. My class is on a shift system with selling. I'm off duty, but I did still check it out. They were actually making pretty good sales. I wandered off and visited Ria's shop where I spent a lot of time. They had a station where you could make custom friendship bracelets. I made one that spelled out 'I love you, I'm sorry.' That one is for Gracie Abram's new song and upcoming album. I almost missed a test doing all that labor, but I still got a perfect score despite barely making it to class. Also, Ria got me a gift! She recently returned from a trip to Taiwan. I find it so sweet that she thought of me. She gave me this Maruko Chan mousepad (shameful to admit that I haven't used a mousepad since last year because I spilled food on my old one). By the way, I made a new friend today! A girl basically approached Ria talking about this boy she's trying to get the attention of. I knew this boy. We talked about all that, and I was feeding her delusions. When I got home, I passed out for like 2, maybe 3 hours, showered, then answered our take-home quiz. I worked out as per schedule and winded down until I fell asleep.
I know where I'll disappear to. One day, I'll completely leave everything behind and be the concept I want to be, leaving as many marks as possible in every place I go, becoming nothing else but a little reminder. By that time, I probably would've already stopped writing in this online diary. But I've decided. I know where I want to go, and trust me, it's far away from everyone else. I cannot wait for that day. I'll probably write a separate blog entry for all that.
I changed the tone of my alarm clock last night, and it actually worked. I'm noticing how the daylight hours are lengthening. Moving closer to summer in the northern hemisphere, the sun is rising a lot earlier now. I did my 5-kilometer run starting with the most disappointing, half-assed warm-up ever. It came back around because I did end up having to deal with the pain of runner's knee. Now if that isn't the consequence of my own actions. I slept for a while, then ate back the energy I had lost. I have acquired my flight tickets, but the dates are so risky. I'm arriving back home a few hours before my literal graduation. Well, wish me luck. I spent the whole afternoon studying, going through a couple of textbooks. I wasn't that focused since all the studies I was doing were advance works. After a while, my parents invited me out for an early dinner, so I got myself ready and headed out. I brought along with me my papers and pens just in case I find myself needing to memorize more concepts and topics. The said papers and pens have become such staples in all my outfits during exam season, replacing the plastic bottled water I always keep on hand. The main reason my parents went out was actually because they were craving a nice crab meal. We took such a long road only to find out the restaurant they wanted to go to had been temporarily closed down. What a shame. It was open on Google too. We ended up going to another seafood place. I got myself a plate of battered shrimp. I think there were seven big ones, and I did not even hesitate to throw everything into my mouth the moment the food was served. I wasn't chewing, and it only took me 1-2 bites to eat whole shrimps. I usually take the slowest when eating, but with this being the only time I've ever eaten like a caveman, I got into a little bit of trouble. I developed a new allergy. This is something I do not understand at all. I love shrimps, and they've always been my go-to, especially when eating in Japanese restaurants. It's so out of nowhere, but death kicked in. From the roof of my mouth down to the entirety of my throat, it dried up, and it became like I don't even know how to explain it but it was itchy and horrid. I was unable to breathe. I was dying. I got over it when I got home, but I swear to God it was such a horrible experience. When I got home, I studied a bit more then hosted a crash course for my friends. We did one for Philosophy and a little bit of theology. Also, I love whenever this one friend of mine would compliment me when I'd sing this same line that's been stuck in my head. He would literally get the attention of everyone, and well, he would compliment me in a mean way, but I'm taking it. Then we crammed for our mock defense tomorrow. I had to make the PowerPoint, and it was kind of stressful. I mean, I wasn't exactly panicking, and I knew that I could do it, but I didn't want to stay up late, so I was stressed out more about the hours of sleep I'd get in the day.
I've come to consider my alarm clocks utterly useless. Each night, I make sure to set not just one, but about five more leading up to the time I need to wake up in the morning. I add as many additional alarms as necessary depending on how urgently I need to wake up. They've been failing at their jobs quite miserably. I always wake up either an hour before or an hour after. I didn't wake up as well as I had wanted since I didn't exactly sleep early yesterday. However, I still managed to do my morning run. I'm logging yet another successful 5-kilometer run in Strava, which accounts for my first reason to be grateful for this day. I was looping Sabrina's new song "Espresso," and I've just been so obsessed with it since its release (literally yesterday). That song backs up my claim of being the sweetest person to ever exist. I got home and was genuinely passing out. I can't explain why either. The hard floor was holding onto me, but I still overcame temptation. I showered, kept my stomach full, then headed straight to bed. I woke up and just stayed in bed since it was still pretty early. I watched more Beta Squad videos like an absolute 12-year-old.
Julie and the Phantoms might be getting its new season. I've waited long enough. It's been 4 years. I have never been so invested in a girl-ghost story. Can you blame me? My favorite book is literally Phantom of the Opera, a book of which I have multiple editions, one being a gift from Sirko a year ago because she knows how obsessed I am with it. My day was pretty mediocre. I didn't have much filling up my mind, and I've been getting back the rest my body needs. I did my workout pretty late and then did some cardio. I came back to the kitchen to eat the weirdest combination of food. I was mixing whatever whole food I had that was high in protein. It didn't even taste bad, so I'm taking that as a win. Before going to bed, I made sure to revise a bit of my lessons since the upcoming week, if I'm not mistaken, will be our last week before finals, so they're throwing a bunch of tests at us.
I'm having a hard time writing today's journal entry for reasons I can't quite pinpoint. I'm staring at my screen with literally no words coming to mind. There was nothing interesting about my morning. I went to school and wrote an essay for my first class. I was very sleepy but had to listen because I assumed we were having a test during our second hour of the same class. I ended up convincing my teacher to move it because it was impossible for me to memorize everything she talked about, let alone for other people to memorize. We had another test in our next class. I studied during our break time with a bunch of new characters. Not entirely new, but it was weird for me to hang out with them. I don't know how we ended up becoming a study group at that moment, but I enjoyed it. I can never shake off the "little miss friendly" allegations. We had some classwork during our Literature period. We were paired with a partner to write prose on a given prompt, so I just wrote the whole time. I usually tend to write too much, so I went a bit overtime again. After that, I went on another Friday hangout with Brie. It was spontaneous but it might just become our new thing. We went to the mall and talked about the game I kind of invented last week. I want to play it with a particular friend group so badly. We were making a bunch of inside jokes, so that was great. When we got to the mall, I bought us a quick lunch. We talked about the craziest things. I swear we need to be separated. We were throwing so many out-of-pocket lines that not even a few moments later, karma came right back at us. So basically, there's this one guy who is somehow connected to everyone we've ever talked about, in the weirdest way possible too. I wanted to buy myself coconut milk because I love it and always crave it when I'm in the area. Unfortunately, the food vendor went on a quick break. So I waited. During that waiting time, we saw karma's person walk past. It took a minute for me to register it was him, and I told Brie about it quickly. She confirmed that my eyes were not playing tricks on me. I was about to burst out laughing. There is no way any of this was coincidental. When the food vendor came back, another person must've quickly bought the last stock of the coconut milk I wanted. I had no choice but to buy coconut milk from another stall. Now, speak of the devil, I was telling Brie about how weird it was running into them here out of all places, especially with our current topic being so insane. I saw Brie waving at my back, and I took a quick glance - itwas him. I looked down and started shaking. If you know me well enough, I literally cannot hold my laughter for the life of me. I wasn't looking down just because I was dying, I also could not risk being recognized because of some sins I have committed (or was accused of) in the past. After that, we kept on running into that person. At such a big mall too. If only the food vendor from earlier never went out or if the last stock was never bought by another, or if I just never bought the said coconut milk. It was still so funny. We went to the bookstore too. We were just walking around and talking. I was getting my step count in. It was weird because before we parted ways, I felt this weird attachment with Brie. What an awesome day. I got home and fell on the floor. My sleepiness was getting the best of me. Once my body was lying down on the floor, I found it such a challenge to even open my eyes. But I had to remove my makeup and clean up, or else I might just die forever. I persevered through the great battle of sleepiness. It got later in the night when I received a text from Ria. She was asking for my help with her research. I'm the best at research. I made her work very quickly while she was trying her best to finish this bottle of alcohol her mom gave her. She's in another country right now, and I'm guessing they couldn't put it in check-in luggage and didn't want it to go to waste. She said it tasted bad. I did my blog for a bit, worked out (I don't care if it's late, I can't miss a day), then went to sleep.
Our shop is now officially open for business. The start of selling generated very promising initial sales. I took on the first shift as usual. We're actually on track with our projected sales targets. We did better than predicted during our first day. Compared to our last business, this one was a lot less hectic and on the slower side. I actually kind of like our current setup too. I interacted with a lot of people, and it was fun. I'm realizing now that I am a very outgoing person. My friend told me about how awful the marketing experience was for her. I am always talking to people whenever I'm out in public. I love my own company, and I'd prefer it, but I don't actually do too bad in social settings. I love being a friendly person so much. Closing up for our first day, I had to encode all the physical records into an Excel file. I did the statement of accounts and all that finance stuff. I slept the moment I got home. I wanted to rest for a bit before studying for a test I have tomorrow. I watched the Beta Squad's "We Opened A 5-Star Restaurant" video. It was the funniest thing ever. It was an hour long but it was worth every second wasted. Accordingly, with the time I've computed in my head, I cleaned up and started composing myself for a focused study session. I memorized everything, and I wasn't stressed out at all. A friend of mine called me up saying he wanted to study with me, so I accepted the offer. Only 20% of our call consisted of us actually studying. Early evening to an hour past midnight, we were just plain yapping. At one point, I started doing reps for my arms because I couldn't miss out on a day of working out. I briefed him so well with our lesson that he has full-on confidence in acing the test tomorrow. I love doing charity work.
I'm confined within the walls of my own room. There is no door. I don't plan on going out. I have a lot of studying to do, and I need to get it done to ease my mind before I actually explode. I did exactly that. My attention was pretty divided, but for the majority of the day, I was just studying. I had pizza for lunch and Popeyes for dinner. I don't enjoy fast food as much anymore, but I eat whatever is given. I did still workout, one of the main things I look forward to in my days. I've had a few things bugging my mind. It might have something to do with the fact that I did not run as much this week. I hate it when grief comes out of nowhere. I hate hosting pity parties so much, but I can't help what I feel.
Every day I'm with adults who don't make sense. People my age don't make sense. I feel absolutely shameful. I was very suicidal three years ago. I had so many suicide letters that I wish I could just let go of. Not my proudest moment. It's not on-brand for me to talk negatively about anything ever. At least not anymore. I feel like I've been so happy-go-lucky that no one would even guess how bad I am to myself. And I'm really trying. I guess I feel guilty because I had once again inflicted self-harm. Don't get me wrong, I have my life together. Trust me. But I do still feel so lost sometimes. It's out of nowhere.I always tell people the I'm the literal reference point or the benchmark at the positive end of the mental health scale everyone measures themselves against. How I have my life together and all the routines I do. And I wouldn't trade that for the world. But I am such a flawed person. I feel like the biggest imposter there is. I love myself enough that I treat myself for everything. I take care of myself in every way possible there is. I am relatively secure with who I am. I do think that the people who experience life a little more sensitively than others are so much nicer. This is me saying how nice I've always been. People always tell me that I'm fun to be around, I give off comfort, I have one of the best personalities ever and all that, but it gets so hard. I genuinely mean well when I do good, but people can be so unsupportive sometimes, and I don't get what incentive they're getting out of it. It makes me so sad, and I shouldn't be minding it because it's out of my control, but the frustration can get under my skin for quite some time. The 80-year study from Harvard concluded that good relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. So, a fulfilling life isn't all about status and looks and all that. Of course, it isn't. I can name a few people in my life who I would say contribute to my happiness. Top one being Sirko, of course, but other than that, I'm out. Am I too cynical? I have lots of friends, and I'm doing a lot better than others, so what's keeping me from feeling so alone? Is it because I'm not being delusional? I don't understand. If my life is so good, then why am I harming myself? This'll pass tomorrow, and I know it. But right now, everything I've been bottling up is making me lose my mind. The fact that it just had to happen to me makes me lose my temper. I'll hold my breath to this, and I'll get over it. I just want to be transparent with my literal diary.
I feel like I discover new body injuries every single waking day. I can barely walk, but it's okay because I'm used to it. I had a very horrible day. I felt very overwhelmed because of how long it was taking us to get home. I had asked them prior to this trip about the exact schedule for everything. I try my best to be flexible with my time, but at the pace everyone was going, I was losing it. I needed to study, but I had no resources for studying. I don't really want to write about this day. I was with people I hated, and nothing I write is going to come out well. I'm going to sound like the most horrible person to ever exist. I'm only crying because I want to study. So really, how bad of a person can I be? We ate at a restaurant for lunch after having breakfast not even that long ago. Then we went to our farm, and they swore it would only take them an hour max to do a couple of things. They lied. I got hysterical when I saw the sun setting and started crying. I cried for 3 hours, continuously. No, crying wasn't going to teleport me back home, but it relieved me in some weird way. When I got home, I showered for like 2 hours because I hate staying outside for too long. I loathe it with all my being. I hit the gym afterward just to calm myself down. I ate whatever they gave me and then started studying. I studied until 2 AM. I'm forced to miss tomorrow's run, and I hated that, but I had to make sacrifices for the time people took away from me. So unfair. On top of my study sessions, I got a call at like 11:59 telling me our research was due at that exact time. I had written 80% of this research paper. What the actual fuck is wrong with people? But it's okay. It was easy enough for me to do. I was with a friend who always helps me with my math stuff. It was good enough. We ended up pulling a prank after finishing the chapter 5 of our research. We told them the file got deleted. We got a good laugh for about 30 seconds. I was on edge today, and I can confirm that the reason for that is because I was not able to do even just a single daily routine of mine. I felt disorganized, and it was messing with my head. Writing about this day alone stresses me out.
After a brief interlude of about 10 minutes spent in a futile attempt at sleep, I was abruptly disrupted by the sound of my alarm clock. My body was quick off the bed, and I wasted no time getting ready. I barely had an eighth of my breakfast. I grabbed a 20g protein bar and left. I had to walk some distance to school to avoid being late too. I succeeded in not receiving yet another late slip. But god, was I about to regret that. I should've slept in. I was breaking the school's policy on hair and, of course, the dress code. I was asked for my ID, which I didn't have, so I got into even more trouble. I spent my first period in the office. It was unavoidable. In all honesty, no amount of warning will make me redye my hair brown. Redyeing bleached hair is a call for help. They eventually let me out after some scolding, and it was all good. I was listening attentively in most of my classes since it was just impossible to sleep. During lunchtime, I had my friends Brie and Lane play the lying game with me. One of us were to receive a roulette card that determined whether they had to tell a lie or the truth (to be kept it hidden from the others). Then, the rest are supposed to come up with a subjective question and try to guess if the answer given by the other player was a lie or the truth. I was convincing enough for Lane, but Brie just knew me too well. Then we watched the play Ria’s in. It’s Beauty and the Beast, and she's playing as Babette. The flirty duster. It was so fun. Everyone was so talented, the props were cool, whoever was in charge of costumes did such a good job. Tt was great overall. The person who played Belle, who I'd also consider a friend of mine, was so awesome. I love her voice so much. Always have. I sadly had to leave right after they sang the main song because I had to catch time. I have this campsite swimming resort thing with my family. To my disappointment, since it was planned by an extended family, my pathological liar cousin was there. It set my mood off so much. I don't enjoy vacations or outings that require lazing off as much, especially when I'm with people I don't want to be with. I could've been using this time to study, workout, and monitor my food. Everything is the exact opposite of that. I'm gonna have to skip skincare and my very specific shower routine too. How horrible. But despite this grudge I was holding, I had to enjoy what was given to me. Everything needs appreciation. I did my best to put aside my personal complaints and had as much fun as I could. A lot of things are out of my control, so I really needed to practice learning how to make do with what I have in any given circumstance. Being happy is greatly correlated with the relationships you have around you. That's coming from an 80 year old research from Harvard. I had every right not to enjoy my time when the person on top of my blacklist was within my vicinity. But again, I try my best to keep it in. When everybody else settled down, I put on my swimwear and went back and forth in the pool. I was identifying stars and was in very deep thought. I wish I could share them, but I'm too busy right now and have no time for that. The night got darker, and I was fast asleep.
I set a new PR in today's 5k. My ankle still hurts which means I am barely recovering. How is that even possible? The only existing theory I have is that the song I've been looping since yesterday must've given me a runner's high. My morning run today was awesome. Not only was I fast, but I managed to say hi to one of the three old dudes I see every morning. They're so cute, I swear to God. I love old people so much. The weather was perfect too. Dare I argue that spring is simply the best season of all time? Reader discretion is advised as my choice of the best season varies with my life's current phase. But right now, it's perfect. I went back home, incredibly out of breath, and prepared my own breakfast. I changed clothes, slept, then showered. It's going to be a very boring day, but I'm glad I have enough time for rest this week. I planned my day with tasks that I actually need to complete followed by some leisure activities I've been meaning to do. I watched a couple of Beta Squad videos, watched the recent Mashle video, took another nap, and journaled. I also had lunch then did my workout. I've come to peace with a lot of things recently. I hope to always be in such a state of mind that I'm actually considering meditation. Some, if not all, of my favorite productivity YouTubers (like James Scholz and luvelka) swear by it so much. I did my own research, and it's actually backed up by science. No wonder all the billionaires are doing it. So, as a person of discipline, and like any other person would, I tried to meditate. I like how it practices being present in the moment. I tried it for 10 minutes. I would've gone longer if I didn't literally start malfunctioning and forgetting how to breathe. I was tense, but I'll try again for sure. I'm already a calm person so I can't really pinpoint whatever change that made. It was definitely fun. I've been preferring thinking over scrolling on my phone a lot recently too. Being able to think and having time to rest my thoughts is a pretty solid complementary activity, I'd say. After that, I got myself some pre-workout snack and did a long cardio session. I took my shower then invited my baby brother to play with me. We played Subnautica (as usual), and the thing about today was that I was with a bunch of friends. Teth had experience in the game and taught me a bunch of cool stuff. I admire his patience, especially because I was panicking. The Cyclops he made me get kept catching fire, and we were running out of fire extinguishers each time. Very funny. He did tell me that I skipped 200 hours of gameplay and it was time I give it up eventually. I excused myself for a while and went on another call to do my robotics homework. It was pretty easy. I did it in no longer than 20 minutes tops. I went back on the call with the friends I was originally with, and we played Phasmophobia. It was already 1 AM. We spent 3.7 hours on that game, all for the effort and time used to get a single green Easter special card. We were literally losing it. Or maybe it was just me. I became closer to Tony's kind of sort of girlfriend, and she was the nicest. Completely disregarding the fact that I had a 7 AM class tomorrow, it was so worth it.
My ankle is still sprained. As much as I wanted to do my runs, the world seems to be rigged and is wishing for my downfall. I'm joking, it's not. Almost everything is turning out well for me, so I really can't complain. I am at peace with everything. I did my workouts first thing since I couldn't exactly go out. I did arms and upper. I ate my breakfast while watching the Beta Squad. They're my current form of entertainment. I played the guitar for some time. I wrote yet another new song. I needed to get some things out of my system before I could continue on with my day. I did my nails as planned. It took way longer than I had expected, and it got frustrating midway. I did my blog for almost the whole afternoon. I skipped lunch unknowingly. Old habits die hard. Dinner came and I ate a pretty decent amount but was still unable to reach my macros. I pair up the calorie intake of a toddler. Why is this so hard for me? I couldn't really do anything because it was already growing late. I did a second workout session just to make myself feel better. And again, played the guitar. A little while after, I messaged a friend asking for help on a certain project I had due on Monday. We started at around 11 PM and an hour later, we still had 0 progress. Time passed by so fast we literally could swear we had just started the call. We were so confused when we saw the time too. We did nothing but laugh our asses off over the stupidest thing and the reason why we couldn't believe how fast time went by, was because we did not even have a single topic. I was trying to draw a grid which failed at multiple times. It was funny. It was still wonky at the end but I couldn't afford being picky after all the time we've wasted. At one point we were arguing about crops and rice (oryza sativa). This project was on coding using a block editor. It's this new robot thing and everything just didn't make sense logically. It did but it was too inconvenient for my liking. The language sucked so much because it literally had no single resource availbale online. Which meant that I had to listen in class. I do not attend classes. Anyway, 20 more minutes later, and I finished the blueprint for my farmer robot. I plan on doing the actual coding protion (which shoudlve been done today if I werent too busy laughing) tomorrow. I need to be up early for tomorrow's run so I can't sleep any later than 12 AM.
I have come to the realization that Thursdays could just be a late-safe day. What I mean by that is my first period, which lasts for 2 hours, has a very lenient teacher, and being late would not be an issue. This is great news. I arrived no later than 5 minutes, but I will definitely be taking advantage of this discovery I have made. It's all good because I arrived in style and got myself a perfect score.
We had a bunch of free time again. I was asked to rate a bunch of my friends' boxing matches, which I find very impressive, especially the veteran in the group. He was very agile, and his moves were clean. During our break time, a friend of mine punched me to get my attention, only to tell me he noticed my gains. So, it opened up our usual gym progress talk. It's funny because we talk too much for people who do it for aesthetics and because it feels good. I mean, to be fair, I never really planned for the competitive type or that "big guy" thing. Another friend joined in and talked about his boyfriend who recently started his cut. Her boyfriend will be joining a competition soon, and she's been taking care of him by buying all the macros he needs. I mean, the dude is strict with his 1200. I don't count calories because I'm not trying to develop an eating disorder, but I'll just stop talking. Anyway, we had our play, and I thought we did well. It was perfectly executed by my groupmates, and I'm proud of us. The classroom ended up with blood stains on the floor and walls after all presentations were over, which is concerning, but blame the other group for that.
Brie invited me for a quick hangout at the mall, just like last time. I was experiencing extreme brain fog, and I had no idea why. It must've been the heat getting to me. We ate at McDonald's since she wanted to get one of those Happy Meal things. I ended up spilling a bunch of stuff, which wasn't planned, but it was going to come out one way or another. I've been quiet for long enough. The fire should be out by now. I mean, I laugh about it with Sirko now. After that insane lore vomit, I left Brie dumbstruck and just mad. Yeah, I totally understand her, but again, it's just funny now. I also started feeling this excruciating pain in my ankle region. I know exactly when I tripped and sprained it. I don't know if I can run tomorrow. I dragged Brie to a health food store, and I bought a bunch of protein snacks. I had to. I walked with Brie all the way back to school, then I picked up my baby brother. Still, the sun had no plans of leaving, and I was dying. When I got home, I had a cold shower, then I slept. God, did my ankle hurt when I woke up. I just knew then that there was no way I could recover by 5 AM tomorrow. I quickly got up and got myself dressed to go to the mall for an appointment. I'm still doing laser treatments, which don't really take that long. I am a very high-maintenance person. We went to eat with my family at a Hibachi-style Japanese restaurant. Our chef was pretty nice. Then we watched the Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire movie. It was great. I enjoyed it a lot, and I want to give it a high rating. The CGI was well-made, and it just felt like a refreshing watch. Before going home, I snatched up a bunch of new colors of nail polish. I'm going to try a Shaun the Sheep-inspired nail art tomorrow. I got home, showered, did my workout, then played with my baby brother.
I miscalculated the time it would take for me to get ready. I had to look for and iron my polo shirt that I had planned on wearing. Today was our school’s career day, and being a business/accounting student, it was expected that everyone would dress in business attire. I got my schedules mixed up and thought we were having the teacher who’s out to get me as my first subject. I ran a mile to arrive on time for class. I made it, but it turned out we had the nice teacher, so all that effort was in vain. I waited for Skylar and my other groupmate to get to school, and then we started filming. The day went by pretty fast. We had another seminar which I obviously slept through. We had practice one last time, and I went straight home. I had my afternoon nap. Very mandatory as it turns out. I gathered up enough energy from that nap to have quite an extensive workout. I did 100 reps of everything. It was very tiring, but I did find satisfaction in using up my time in a productive way. I ate a lot to regenerate my body, starting with a quick corndog for a snack. I had a beef and an avocado protein shake too, so that’s cool. I occupied the rest of the day making props, our PowerPoint, and guided scripts. My only concern is how much we can pass off the offensiveness aspect of our parody. I allotted an hour to play with my baby brother, and I taught him how to play limbo and Chinese garter. When all was done, I fell asleep.
The grass is greener where I'm at. I saw leaves circling a round tire. It wasn’t as cold this morning. It definitely wasn't the most ideal temperature, but I couldn't just skip my run. I need to be consistent, or else I'll lose all the discipline I've worked hard for. I had a lot on my mind during my 5 kilometers. It was on a bunch of random topics and basically just me narrating what I was seeing. I did have this one topic that I genuinely don't think I can think about anymore. I tried to open it up in my head, but I feel like there's nothing left to think about. It was very uncomfortable. My mind has never rejected something so much. I think I should give it a rest. I mean it when I say it was impossible. My mind was going on literal static, and it was just on that one topic. Safe to say that at one point, I got tired of it. It's been such a recurring thing, but now it's shunned away, and I'm just over it. I got back home to my mom's cooking. I had chicken for breakfast, which was so perfect. We're having our class picture day, so I made sure to take my time getting ready. The narcissist in me has resurrected, and everything is going the way I want it to. I feel pretty, and that's a very rare thing that has been happening so often now. I also wore my Lululemon define jacket. My gains are so insane, and I'm starting to understand why gym rats love compression shirts. When I got to school, we took the class picture, and that was about it. One of our classmates snuck alcohol into Sprite bottles. We passed them around, and our whole class was basically under the influence. I was with Brie, Ria, Lane, and Louise during lunchtime. Brie and I were recreating Tony's TikTok for almost half our time, then when we got back with the group, we played with balls. While all this was happening, I was talking in a British accent. I skipped club time but did show up last minute. Since we knew the teacher, we kind of just talked our way out of getting marked as absent. Brie walked with me home, and we talked about my great loss. I can't always win in life, I guess. I took my afternoon nap when I got home.
Some context on the first sentence of this entry: I firmly believe that I make a good situation out of everything. It's not even just that. I know I have this influence that makes people so motivated. I've been told it multiple times too, so this isn't even a baseless claim. I think the best attitude I display is how grateful I am for everything. I mean it. I live a very happy but attainable life. I'm not saying I don't get problems here and there, but I have so much trust in myself, and I just know I can get myself back on track as long as I get to take even just a breath to think. I remember the start of the year starting off with the belief that everyone hated me. And who knows, maybe at the time they did. But it all passed by. I think the root of that was how self-loathing I had gotten then. I hated myself so much that I probably reflected it to everyone else around me. I've always been such a likable person, but for a time, I did feel like an imposter. I'm glad I got over that. But that’s all just footprints in the sand now.
I am grinding for my step count. I was running laps around my classroom. They’re all used to it honestly. A tip for having as much confidence as I do is to simply own whatever you're doing. That, and people find me funny, so I'm set. I am behind by a lot because I missed today’s run too. It was on purpose. I needed to catch up on sleep. But it’s okay because I don’t plan on breaking my consistency anytime soon, and at least I'm making up for it. I did some early side quests. I was running around with some friends trying to find a fix for my teacher’s broken shoes. My philosophy teacher sucks. He gives high grades and all, but he definitely did not choose to teach that subject. Maybe he did, I don't know. I’ve been noticing it for quite a while, but to me, he seems very close-minded. He introduced us to determinism, and as a know-it-all, I knew which counters could be used against that philosophical view. So I asked him about his thoughts on quantum mechanics since it suggests that the universe operates with inherent randomness and uncertainty. Basically, Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle. He answered my question in a completely unrelated manner, and trust me, I was listening. I did not dismiss a single point he stated, but even a toddler can clock that he was talking in gibberish. It doesn't matter though. I've only ever met one teacher that has satisfied my curiosity. It was my 10th-grade science teacher. I slept on the floor for the rest of my subjects. The heat surge was insane. I wanted to hibernate and wake up when the weather gets better. Brie and Ria walked me home. Everything felt like an inconvenience with how hot it was to stay outside. I was so close to losing it. When I did eventually get picked up in the car, I cooled down immediately and got back my composure. I ate 2 donuts, filmed a thirst trap, worked out, then showered. I finished up my after-school routine very quickly. My brother cooked a late-night dinner for us, and it was actually pretty edible. I'm joking, it tasted good. All the while he was cooking, I just played the guitar. I went up to my room to go on a call with a friend. We were supposed to finance for our business, but it turns out he had already done everything, and we were on the call for nothing. So I showed him the recent interest I've taken up on airsoft. And I learned how to speak in British too. He finds it crazy how random I am with the things I do, but it really isn't. I have to adjust my next flight’s schedule because my graduation came in the way.
How to find the Big Dipper:
Look up north (on your compass), you'll see a star pattern that looks like a kite with four stars for the body and a handle made of three stars extending from it. This pattern is the Big Dipper, a well-known asterism within the Ursa Major constellation.
Happy April Fools! My mind is very disorganized. I can't seem to find a single word in it cohesive enough for me to go off from. My brain train is rusty, and it is closed down for maintenance. I'd be concerned, but I'm giving it a diagnosis of dehydration and I'm just gonna let it be. I gave everyone the gifts I got them from my recent trip. They had a lot of requests. I spent most of today practicing with my groupmates for our parody play. It's actually turning out pretty well, and I'm hoping we set the curve and make everyone else fail. I had lunch with Brie and Lane again. I found out that one of the teachers, who I thought hated me, actually liked me. I was part of the school paper last year, and I completely ditched it. I did have a project last semester, and I was Editor in Chief for our own class' paper. Turns out, he has that paper and has been giving me special mentions and flexing me to his other classes. What a weird turn of events. I also got a hundred in research. Very cool. I don't recall much of what happened today in school anymore besides sleeping on the floor. But after school, I did go to the mall with Brie because I had a particular craving and didn't really have anything else to do. While we were walking, I had the most insane encounter with strangers. I was telling Brie about my lore on how I acquired this fear of lying. Apparently, my story was so interesting that the people in front of us were totally eavesdropping. How do I know this, you might ask? While I was telling the story, I obviously had to reenact some scenarios. It was the funniest thing ever when I started to act out that part of the story, and everyone stopped in their tracks. The two people in front literally paused and looked back, and Brie did too. I started laughing, being like "yo, I didn't know we had an audience" or something along those lines. I swear I need to watch my mouth sometimes. It was intrusive and in the moment. The timing was so comical. I can barely do it justice with this entry. Everyone was laughing, so it was fine. I'm actually such a good storyteller. To think that my voice alone can catch people's attention is awesome. I'd make it big if I were to start a podcast. Anyway, I bought the coconut shake I came for. I needed its protein, so that was that. I followed Brie for a while until I got picked up. I love my recent spontaneous short hangouts with Brie. When I got home, I just watched a bunch of videos till I fell asleep. I paced around to reach my step count goal since it was the least I could do for missing out on my morning run today.
Happy Easter! The nightlife is no longer for me. I am sleepwalking at the airport. I am incapable of pulling all-nighters or even staying up past my bedtime now. My flight home was scheduled so early that I didn't even get the chance to sleep. I've been traveling to different countries for almost every month now. It's a very privileged thing, and I do recognize that. I think it's awesome, and I am so grateful. I'm a very private person, so catching me anywhere would literally be impossible. I like that I'm all over the place. I like how the only company I really need is myself, and you can put me in any position, metaphorically or literally, and I'd still do so well. The claims I'm making aren't meant to convince anyone or myself, I genuinely just feel so secure with my life right now. And I always have. I lost it for a moment, but now it's back, and I am so sure to never let that go. I sound like a Ted Talk speaker, but I'm literally just a girl writing her observations in her diary. I've been mentioning this too, but I am so well in every aspect of myself. The fact that I am no longer pale says a lot more than it should. I have color in the right places, and looking good makes me feel good, so I'm taking that as a win. To keep me up, I just continued writing my song. I can't wait to play them with whatever instrument I see fit. I wanna buy a vocoder or synthesizer too. When we went to the airport lounge, my brother and I went straight to the massage beds and skipped breakfast completely. Okay, not completely. I snuck in a hashbrown just before leaving. I swear I'm aging. I made friends with this flight captain (I assume because they were addressing him as so). We talked using hand gestures. He noticed that I wasn't strong enough to pull the plane tables and helped me. I usually sit in business class, but this one wasn't the usual push type, and I was so convinced it was just stuck there. Anyway, the flight attendants ended up giving me like 3 whole packs of Oreos as an Easter gift, so that was fun. It was totally out of nowhere too. Luck, I guess. If there's one thing that has not left the back of my mind since the start of my trip, it's that I needed to hit the gym. The addiciton has been so bad recently that I was actually starting to tweak. So the moment I got home, I showered, unpacked everything, started organizing my closet, my gym gear and equipment, my desk, and makeup. I gave myself a bit of a break after I cleaned my room and took another shower. I slept for a solid 4 or more hours. Then I got to working out. I doubled all the reps just to make up for all the days I've lost. I also played this grocery shopping game with my baby brother. A little while after, I showered once more, and had a very slow night doing homework before calling it a day.
I love hotel breakfasts. My curated plate consisted of two bacons, scrambled eggs, lettuce, broccoli, salmon, crackers and Camembert, and a single piece of tomato. All high in protein, very colorful, which means very healthy. It's actually my daily goal to eat lots of colors because that would mean that I'm getting different kinds of vitamins. We went to the subway in City Hall to go to Gangnam. Today's plan was to go to Everland for my baby brother. I was actually freeballing everything and trusting my instincts to go there. Since I was the only one knowledgeable enough to use public transportation in different countries, they had no choice but to follow. My brother and I are competing for whoever gets the highest step count of the day. Since we both have shunned the emotion of embarrassment a long time ago, we did not hesitate to act like we were both mentally challenged people. We were not keeping still on the trains, and it definitely looked like we were having a seizure. The train we were on had this emergency, and we had to get off. it was kind of scary. The lights literally started flickering, and all the doors just opened. But then a new train came by, and we resumed with our days. We finally got to Gangnam, which was awesome. It was a change of scenery. There were plastic surgery shops in every corner, so that was concerning. We sat by some tables outside this convenience store so my baby brother could eat his soup. While he was doing that, I was conversing with the store clerk. He was so nice. He reminded me of my favorite teacher. I asked him some questions on directions, and he was struggling so much. He told me it was hard to explain, and he did try his best. The good thing is that I have really high comprehension skills and I actually understood. Before continuing on the trip to Everland, my brother and I separated for a bit and got ourselves Subway sandwiches. I made myself a tuna one for obvious reasons. After my baby brother finished his food, we walked to the bus station and waited for bus 5002B. It was a double-decked bus, so that was cool. We slept for the duration of the ride until were woken up by a drift. Our bus was going miles an hour, drifting in the literal mountains. We were making jokes over pressing the red button on top because we were seeing our lives flash before our eyes. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but the driver had some pretty cool drifts. We caught sight of Everland, and in literal no time, we were already there. I've actually been here a couple of years back, but I have little recollection of it, so it should be fun. I saw a tornado forming while lining up to get our tickets scanned. There was this huge panda, and it was cute. I got those waffle ice cream things which I spilled all over myself. I was wearing a long white skirt. It doesn't matter as much though, I don't really mind spill stains. My brother and I accompanied our little brother with his rides. He was racing with other kids, and it was cool. I was having fun too. I even lined up for this popcorn stand while my baby brother was out on the park playground. Before we left, I visited the Lego Store. It was there, I had to check it out. I found the greatest steals of all time inside. I knew something was calling for me. I found the camcorder Lego set, and I kid you not, that exact set has been in my saved reels for over a year now. I thought it had been discontinued too. I'm so lucky. I found the Star Wars Lego pens too. I just could not get any luckier. I've been wanting those for so long. I obviously walked out of the store with a bag in my hand. We went back to Gangnam using the same bus. We were dropped at the dead center of it that we got to see the shopping street. My brother almost vomited right before he got off the bus because of his complaint over how dry the air was inside. So we sat down for a while. Our parents got us food from Mom's touch while my brother and I people-watched. A lot of interesting characters. The food was really good though. Anyway, I saw so many celebrities during this trip. One of them being UNIS. I saw like a bunch of paparazzis crowding up a certain area, and I checked it out to see the members literally there. There's this one member who's actually my schoolmate who's also the cousin of one of my close friends. Lots of coincidences. I shopped at the Sephora equivalent of Korea also known as Olive Young. I got some stuff while my brother was buying shoes. It got really cold, and we had to go back home. I lent my baby brother my jacket since he was freezing. We took the train back, and I wrote probably the best song I have ever written in less than 10 minutes there. Creativity really comes out at the randomest times. We left out stuff in the hotel and took an hour break before going back to the Myeondong streets' night market. I got myself scallops and bought my friend's souvenirs. Going back to the hotel, I had to run a couple more laps to get my step count higher than my brother. My flight is in a few hours. I'm gonna die. I packed my things with only coffee to keep me alive. I don't even like coffee anymore.
I have the coolest fit ever. I'm wearing a skirt in 2-degree weather. I didn't learn my lesson. I had to wake up early and drop by the convenience store (CU) to get some stockings. It all worked out in the end, so all's good. It was actually raining, and we had to borrow an umbrella from the hotel. To be fair, I only ever feel the cold in my hands, which sucks, but it isn't so bad. I love walking when it's super early in the morning. I had to quickly search how the subways work here, which wasn't hard at all. I'd argue that it's probably one of the easiest ones to learn. I had a short debate with my brother over which train platform we had to get to, he was wrong, and I was right. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and we transferred only to transfer back a couple of stations later. The fight did start because of my bad eyesight. I couldn't read the lines properly, and my brother's eyesight was a hundred times worse, so it was a shot in the dark either way. Since nobody else understood that we were actually messing up, no one got mad. We went to Hongdae using the Hongik Station, and I got myself a massive wardrobe update. Everything they sell here is so cool. If you have bad style in a country like this, it's honestly all on you. Hongdae is known for its street art (Picasso's Street), indie music, boutiques, thrift shops, cool cafes, clubs, and everything. Since my brother and I are equally as cool as this place, we enjoyed our time there. We shopped a lot, very epic hauls. We had lunch at this place underground, and the food was great. The Jajangmyeon was cooked so well that the pasta wasn't breaking off. I shared my meal with my brother since the serving was too much. I made a joke at our table that made my dad laugh, so that's a step for mankind. There was this street that had a shooting range, so my brother and I obviously went to it. While the rest of our family shopped some more, we were trying out the rifles. I guided everyone to the subway to Seoul Station, and of course, we couldn't miss out on the Seoul tower itself. We got ourselves a taxi to the Namsan Cable Car, and eventually, we got to the top. The whole place had locks all over from random people who probably made promises to each other. It was pretty cute. My brother bought himself a lock too for him and his girlfriend. I bought a pen so I could vandalize my persona and write mine and Sirko's name everywhere. We got a hotdog arriving there, and I was stuffing it into my mouth when I heard somebody call my name from a distance. How am I getting recognized literally miles away from home? So basically, this dude I knew from elementary approached me and asked for a picture. Damn, didn't know I was all that. I'm joking, but it was cool. He was so excited about it too. I continued to write and draw everywhere after that encounter. My brother struggled for hours (a really, really long time) looking for a place for his heart lock thing. He didn't want to be like the other guys because he has main character syndrome or something. He got an actual good spot where he had to climb some roof, but it was worth it. We went to the tower, and it had this candy store beside it, so we obviously scooped ourselves a pack. At one point, my phone was on the brink of death. To save it, I went to the convenience store and got those one-time use chargers. Good thing I love electronic parts because that item definitely was not environmentally friendly. We went back to the hotel and recharged ourselves for the Myeongdong streets. It's a very packed day. After regaining our energies, we crossed the streets, and I bought myself a Lululemon set. With the belt, defined jacket, and everything. I can't wait to run and go to the gym when I get back. Hey, the grind isn't stopping just because I'm out on a trip. I've been keeping protein bars with me everywhere, my steps are at 20k, and my diet is still maintained. No one's gonna catch me lacking now. Lane even messaged me out of nowhere, telling me that she had a shower thought over how I would've continued my grind. Anyway, back to the Myeongdong streets. We went to the night market there and ate everything in sight. My brother and I were together the whole time and just trusted that they won't get lost. Yes, I'm saying they because I am incapable of getting lost. I am literally a god. We got a couple more things, went back, then brought the day to a close.
Instead of sleeping, I had the most brilliant idea to compose a song. Everybody else is passed out. Unlike any ordinary person, my body clock is extremely adaptable. I am now in Seoul, Korea. We are staying in a suite at the Lotte Hotel, pretty much at the center of Myeongdong. A really great spot. The very first thing that I learned upon arrival is that Protein in Hangeul is 단백질. I think it's awesome how I have somehow still retained my Korean reading comprehension skills. I learned the Korean writing system about 6 years ago and had no exposure to it whatsoever other than some rare instances. It's the easiest language to learn, so that must've been why it never left my brain.
I cleaned up, changed my clothes, and put on a lip mask. I was good to go. I waited for everybody else to wake up, and when they did, we finally went out. It was very cold. I didn't bother to check the weather prediction prior to this trip. It's me and my spring clothes against the world (cold weather). We had literally no plans. I had to make one up out of thin air. They knew about the Coex Starfield library, so that was great. We took a ride to the said library, and it was kind of far. All I did was repeatedly bug my brother with the Donde está la biblioteca song from Community. Donde está la biblioteca, me llamo T-bone, la araña discoteca, discoteca, muñeca, la biblioteca. Okay, yeah, that's all I know. Anyway, the library was big and very pretty. There were a lot of tourists, which is to be expected. We also went to the Aquarium for my baby brother, who has an obsession with sea creatures. It had stamp stations, so that occupied me. Everything was very pretty. We ate at this Japanese restaurant, and I had this tonkatsu with mozzarella in the middle. It was good but god was it heavy. I was on a mission to find myself a leather jacket since I needed it for my next fit. We went shopping. My brother and I took a specific liking to the shop Aland. It retailed a bunch of brands, which we found awesome. I did eventually find the leather jacket I was looking for. It took me so long. It would've been easier if I weren't a small person. No one will ever understand (except my brother who witnessed me go into insanity) how hard it was to find the perfect one. We stayed in the Starfield library before going home just to drink iced coffee. Did that worsen the frostbite I was about to get? Yes. But I am literally immune to the cold... I am not. But I like to think that I am. The car ride back took quite some time. I used it to write more songs. We arrived back at the hotel. We had a very long day but it was fun. We got ourselves a homemade dinner from the hotel's room service. Before the night had ended, I stayed in the closet for a while still writing my songs.
Going to school was very much against my will, but all my plans worked out in each other’s favor, so I can’t really complain. I got a lot of things done today. For starters, the class I had a sit in schedule with to take the test I had missed was pretty chill. There were barely any students per classroom since there was no teacher that required attendance. My schedule was on the unlucky side of the roulette, and I had a class with that one unethical ethics teacher I've been mentioning a lot recently. But anyway, the test I took was so easy I’m pretty sure I got a hundred. Nothing much happened. I did end up talking to this one dude in class I don't normally talk to. He gave me a bunch of song recommendations, and we kind of just wasted time talking to each other. He’s a Radiohead fan. This is the same dude that Skylar and I talked about a while back. We were saying how he had our dream personality, but we’d never be able to pull off his mysteriousness. Anyway, the dude’s pretty cool. I mean, we were already mutuals prior to this but we never really talked like that ever. I had plans with Ria and Lane after school. We walked to the mall and had a short little hangout day. It was so fun. Our first stop off the list was to have a feast. Ria and I got the same food. The wait for it was so long I ended up making paper cranes with the receipts. We had lots of things to talk about. We were just happy. Did I mention that this whole entire day, everyone I've talked to has, in a non-appropriate way, touched my gains? I am actually so fit.It’s insane. The genes are working full time, I swear. A whole month of daily runs, gym, and a high-protein diet, and I am built. To be fair, I already naturally have very low body fat and a good physique, so that's definitely a cheat code. The thing that surprises me the most is my biceps. I don't do arm day ever, maybe like once a week, but it’s there, alright. Okay, I don't want to talk about that, but it plays such a huge part in my daily routines that I can't not mention it. So we visited this Flying Tiger store, and it had the cutest things ever. It was full of spring-themed things and had Easter bunny products everywhere. It was too bad that I couldn't find any functions for the cute things that I saw. We went to the toy store too, and I just had a commentary for every brand ever. It’s not my fault all the new toys are lame. Anyway, I had my nails done with Ria while Lane was getting a haircut. I got dark green French tips because spring! The nail tech actually did such a horrible job. I was concerned. Not enough to complain, and I didn't really mind as much. I am at peace with everything. I checked the time, and it was already getting dark. I looked up at the sky and witnessed one of the prettiest sights ever. It had this iridescent color to it, resembling the aurora borealis, except instead of electrons in oxygen and nitrogen molecules moving between energy levels, it was only the refraction of the different wavelengths in white light. On the car ride home, I realized a few things. I packed summer clothes knowing it’s going to be 5 degrees Celsius out, my flight was in a few hours, and I had 2 or maybe less than 3 hours left to get ready back home, and I had a lot to do. Running out of time, I quickly redyed my hair, did some other chemical stuff, showered (an everything shower, including my extended hair care routine), ate dinner, had dessert, worked out, then showered again. All before heading out. I settled down at the airport lounge and was literally dying. The moment I knew it was my bedtime, I struggled even opening my eyes. Before my flight, I downloaded a bunch of Gracie’s unreleased tracks into my Spotify’s local files. Let’s all thank the dude I was talking to earlier because he sent me this cool link, and he saved me from my January 30 (great Gracie Spotify purge) despair.
All of the trees in my neighborhood have grown flowers overnight. I did my 5-kilometer run and actually set a new PR. I could've sworn I was doing less running and more walking, but I probably balanced it out in the end. I drew another GPS heart too! I love going to school knowing I woke up at 5:30 AM and have already done the most of everything before everyone else has even started their day. Proof that I'm ahead of everyone. We had a seminar again. All I did was sleep, or at least tried to. I sat in the most uncomfortable chair, and the draft from the AC was directly hitting my head, giving me a migraine. Rhett messaged me around this time about his community service as well. I told him we could bring back the old troublemaker duo and sneak the documents from the office to manipulate his attendance. Too bad we're more mature now. We didn't go through with that plan, but I do remember that back then, we used to do the craziest things for the adrenaline rush. We had a bunch of hallway monitors chasing us every lunchtime. Our top hiding spot was in the school bathrooms. We were insane. Continuing on my day, I got myself Shawarma and skipped a few minutes of my next class. We had PE, and I'm friends with the teacher, so it didn't matter. We went to the gym for the others to play, and I just laid down on the bleachers. I couldn't sleep again, but this time it was because of this one relentless mosquito that did not give me a break. Depressing. I was actually excited to go home. I had a couple of things I wanted to do, and one of them was cooking. So, I cooked. I tried making those fried potato cheese bombs. It took me so long, and it turned out so mediocre that I felt defeated by the time I was done. I didn't get to work out either, which wasn't very ideal. I plan on baking next time. At least I've already had some successful attempts at that, so I know it's going to be less stressful. Anyway, I found myself stuck at one point of today. I was experiencing crazy withdrawal symptoms. I'm convinced I'm psychic. I had another gut feeling. So I went with it. I saw something at such the right time, as if I was meant to see it as soon as possible. I couldn't message anyone about it, but I needed to get something off my chest. I knew who to go to. Rhett. He and I go way back. He was my best friend before Sirko. We were the original duo back then. I backed off because he had a girlfriend, and I respected that. We kept in touch, but we weren't glued to each other like before. This dude is the realest person you'll ever meet. Skylar, Sirko, and I have the highest regard for him. He's seriously too cool for anyone. I gave him the nickname Master Yoda like 4 or 5 years ago, and whenever anyone was in major trouble, we knew who to call. Ghostbusters! No, but he’s a solid dude.
I’ll preface the following events with a joke I stole from Rhett: "The things I do for love." - Courage the Cowardly Dog. So, I was vomiting when I decided to DM him. I feel like he's just at the back of my emergency contacts, but he's like the sage you go to when things get really bad. It was. He ended up slapping me with the coldest truth, and I appreciated it so much. I didn't even shed a single tear. I knew that it took a real one to utter realness. I spilled everything, the whole truth without hesitation, even the things I never got to tell Sirko. He's the type of person who always understands. He doesn't judge people for no reason. He just listens. He says the best things ever too. And they're actually so genuine. It takes one to know one. The more stuff you go through, the wiser you get. I mean that so much. I was so glad I got everything off my chest. It gave me such relief not having to defend myself for once. Officially, I'm clean now. I started with the steps he gave me. I didn't even think twice. In one fell swoop, everything was erased. We're planning a hangout next week to burn the physical evidence. We always have the most epic ideas. Because as we say, great minds think alike. It was insane how he arrived at the same conclusion I did without even doubting my sanity. And I knew it. Stay tuned for next week’s burning party. Mark it on your calendar.
I checked up on some of my other friends. They told me they missed me and that I'm a very easy person to talk to. I told them about my ethics mentor and all that. We talked about alien sightings (this is an inside joke), drugs, and DND. This one dude literally heard one of my friends mention that I play DND, and he kept coming back to that topic, asking me about my campaigns and if I could DM. I stayed up so late, probably the latest this month. I left the call around 3 AM. I’m going to have to skip my morning run tomorrow. Oh well.
I want to hold a funeral for my eyelash curler that has served me for about 4 years. The realest ones are always the first to go. Such a shame. It's that time of the school semester when I can stop wearing my bag. I grabbed my arsenal and put all of them in my pocket: a single lip product, AirPods, and my card holder. I came to school early, earlier than everyone else, and yet still, I was marked late. My teacher makes all the days she's in my schedule so insufferable. She knows about community service that's pending by a thread. She's pushing it. First class in, she went on a tangent about not attending the seminar we were invited to. No one in the entirety of our school leaders' population was attending, only a handful of teacher's pets. We had like a staredown at some point while she was taking her anger out on us. Look, I don't feel the slightest bit of remorse or guilt. She was being fully unethical for someone who teaches business ethics, and I can write a whole document about it. I know that my ego is big, but I know when I've done something bad. This was not the case. She manipulated the attendance on top of that too. It's all so petty, all because we didn't save her face over some uncontracted offer she forced on us. Business is business. Her friend was a liability, and we had to cut her off. It was very simple. I might receive repercussions in the near future for never breaking eye contact when I should've been looking down while she scolded us. I can't help it. My logic has always well-established, and even though she has authority, being right is just part of my character. She just wanted to release her anger on us because she probably felt betrayed or something, mostly embarrassed because she cares about her reputation that much. Everyone is so serious and negative, I don't like it, but what can I do?
I grew taller, by a lot. It's the talk of the town (I won't shut up about it). I noticed it during one of our breaktimes. Ria and I went to the bathroom, as girls do, and I saw a gap between our heights. We used to be almost on par in terms of height. It was a couple of inches difference, which was insane. I confirmed it when I went back to class. Skylar (the hardest person to convince) agreed. Take his word honestly. We had some grade consultations. I already secured a hundred in a few subjects. Our literature class was the one I worried most about. But then I actually got my paper back and turns out I was the highest in class. Why do I ever doubt myself? After that, we had like a 4-hour seminar. I was talking on the podium at one point because my class threw me out. Not literally. It was funny. I barely slept because of how uncomfortable the seats were. I ended up just messing around with the class and telling people about my cooking plans. I know, me and cooking used to never mix well. But I'm getting new talents so often now it's insane. I'm back at my prime as a hobbyist. It's not even a joke. I spent more than half my time in the seminar looking at cooking and baking reels and showing them to everyone. I made so many new friends today. How am I suddenly dapping up new people in the hallways? When I got home from school, I had a nice dinner, worked out, then packed my clothes for my trip to Korea this week. Lastly, I wrote essays for my take-home quiz then called it a night.
I'm not the type to clear my name. I used to be, but it's been so long that I can't even name one scenario where I last tried explaining myself. Okay, I lied I can name one, but that doesn't count (it was out of desparation and I'm already trying to erase that frm my memory). In my head, I have convinced myself that no one will ever listen. No, seriously, they won't. Once they've made up their minds about you, you might as well shut up. All I know is that if I put all water under the bridge, I'd remove all reasons to stress over a losing fight. The point of communicating is to make someone understand, but everyone is so full of themselves. I am too with all the conclusions I draw, but I'm not wrong. I've had multiple times when I've held myself accountable for my mistakes. I fully accept them and apologize too. I say a lot of dumb things. But the ground is that all fights and rumors can only be resolved once the other side of the party takes their time to understand you or the situation. That's if they're even a reflective person. Most people are not. Most people are pigeons.
I love it when I notice pretty little insignificant and unnoticed things. During today's 5-kilometer run, I saw grass growing out of the cracks of the road. If that's not accidental poetry made by nature itself, I don't know what is. I had bacons for breakfast. We had plans for church later in the day just before lunch, so I still had some time to sleep. I took that opportunity (after cleaning up). I'm not the most religious person. But I've been through that phase too. I think I've already briefly mentioned this before, but I once read the entire bible for a boy. I know, it's so stupid. He was older, and he only knew of my existence because I was my brother's little sister. When I take on any interests, I deep dive into it. Literally ask me anything, and I'd already have my argument laid out on the top of my head. I chose to not be religious because I wasn't the biggest fan of weird practices. I know both sides of the same coins. No one can literally judge me. I remember I used to go to Youth too. It was like some kind of event held for kids every Sunday where you interact with a bunch of other religious kids and have activities about worship. It wasn't anything weird, it was all very modern. I was part of the choir too. Technically, I never really resigned or left because I always have this invisible free pass where I can just join any time. I mean okay, to be completely honest, I was only part of the choir because I wanted to sing, and I was always getting solos. But for the rest of all those active church-related participations, I really tried. I was sending people daily bible verses at one point. So we went to church. I wasn't entirely listening, but I was being respectful. It's funny because the whole homily went over people's heads. The priest specifically told everyone not to clap after the mass because it's inappropriate for Jesus with him suffering and everything. Everyone clapped anyway. To think I wasn't even being attentive. Look, I'm sorry if I sound like a hater, but I swear some people go to church only to find forgiveness (to free themselves from guilt) or ask for something. I understand that people find faith in desperate times, but I find it so pretentious when people preach all about stuff and do all those activities so mindlessly. They don't understand the purpose of anything but are only selfish in their intentions. I know that I don't believe in all that, but whenever I'm in the position where I need to pray, I only ever say thanks and wish health for others. I'm not exactly praying in the right way with the whole connection with God thing, but I think that he needs someone to thank him too. Since I was with my family, right after the mass ended, we had lunch at this Japanese restaurant. My older brother showed me this new game, and it was fun. Going back home, I showered again and caught up on Mashle. The new episode almost made me tear up. I took yet another nap. Time is moving, and I'm still not doing anything of importance. I like it when I'm bored. After I woke up, I ate again. It was an early dinner. Everyone in the house had just woken up too. I had a very nice meal and then decided to organize my closet. I swear I need to upgrade my wardrobe. They're chill and all, and I'm glad I'm not buying pieces that I know are made for fast fashion, but I just need a few more layers. Maybe new dresses? I know I'm missing something. I worked out and had a very light leg day. As much as I love resting, I feel like my day isn't complete anymore without doing anything active. I know repair phases are important, which is why I only focus on one muscle group per day, but it's hard when you actually look forward to working out everyday. I don't know how I got onto this whole world, but it's honestly the best ever. I came across a video interview of James Scholz. I'm glad to see how well he's been doing. He's still a person I really look up to, and I always learn so much from his videos. I haven't been the most sure of my future, but knowing that I'll always have him to follow is making everything seem a little less daunting for me. Anyway, after I finish writing this entry, I'm gonna read a few pages and head off to sleep.
The sun woke me up. I couldn't do my morning runs. I would've deprived myself of sleep if I were to force it. So I didn't. It made me feel so unfulfilled because the two days prior to this were occupied with the test I had to attend school for very early. Those days should've been run days too. I had some pent-up energy designated for running. My resolve to this was to immediately hit the gym. I doubled all my reps again. Post-workout, I had salmon, which was so perfect. Then just like that, my state of mind returned to normal. My head was buried in my book for almost the whole day. I had a peanut butter sandwich for a snack. I continued reading until my brother texted, asking if we were going to the mall. I said yeah. I did tell him I've been wanting to replace my broken electric guitar strings. We drove over to the mall and brought the guitar with us. We went to the music store and bought the 9-gauge strings from a separate shop then had service from another. One day I'll learn how to fix them myself. Today was not the day for that. While waiting, we just looked around. We went to sports stores, game stores, clothing shops, all that. I told him about my recent school life. I'm literally a free bird with my schedule. The only thing stressing me right now is that one teacher who has personal beef with me. I can't do anything about that, but isn't it great that something so trivial is the only thing I can consider bothersome? Anyway, we ran a few errands while we were at it. Got chicken wings for lunch too. When all was done, we went home. I read some more of my current read, and that was about it. I did my research around 9 PM and went on a call with my groupmates. We worked on more formulas. A formula which I made, by the way. It didn't take me that long to make it, but it's still pretty impressive how I can make one up. I just think that it's fun when you understand math to that level. I weighted the means of different percentages with their corresponding Likert scale values then matched that up with over 30 questions answered by 214 respondents and used the Pearson correlation coefficient (r) (modified) formula and found the p-value on top of that. It was a very tedious task. I sadly finished everything by midnight. I hate it when I sleep later than my bedtime. Past Cy would be so proud of that, but not me. What I once considered early is so incredibly late now.
I woke up this morning, and I sat up straight in bed. I had the strangest feeling of this weight off of my chest. Guts (spilled) is out! You can probably already guess from the way I started this entry that my chosen song to loop for as long as I possibly can is Stranger. Olivia definitely took that out of my diary. Word for word, it's how I've been feeling recently, and I love it so much. If she had released this Deluxe Album a little earlier, I would've been obsessed with Obsessed. Pun intended. I was literally streaming that song illegally on all streaming platforms ever. But I'm happy I took a particular liking to Stranger. It put me in such a good mood starting my morning. "God knows I am the way I am because of you." I literally just wrote an extensive entry about how grateful I have been for everything, and I really am. I feel like I'm on the right track, and I owe that to every chance and person I've encountered. I forgot to thank myself last time, so I'm doing it now. I'm grateful for the choices I've made because they led me to where I am now. I promise I'll make a cover of this song later in the evening. It feels nice, not having to keep scores generally, letting everyone and everything happen whether it's favorable to my outcome or not. It feels nice being the only person I need to complete myself. And for the rest of it, they'll be the best thing I'll ever keep so far out of my life.
It's the second day of the test thing I was selected for, and I just know I'm doing something right. I've been noticing how I make friends in every room I enter, which is pretty cool. I forced a bunch of people to listen to Stranger too. One of them saved it to their playlist. He told me he related to it because he also went through it, but it's over now. The remaining test we had to answer was easier than yesterday, which inherently meant that I would finish this test faster than my already fast record. So I did finish faster, and I slept for the rest of it in my own seat. I was so out of it that I ended up ripping the test paper itself. I don't know what the consequences are for that, but I hope it works out in the end. I was actually supposed to be in a meeting with some business professionals, but since my time was occupied with the test I was taking, I had to let someone else take over. I was also supposed to have a sleepover, but I had to cancel. Then there's this seminar I'm supposed to be at tomorrow for leadership and some kind of training program. I don't plan on attending. I have a lot of things going on at the moment, and I'm trying my best to balance all my academics, extracurriculars, social, and personal life.
When I got home, I satisfied all my basic human needs just like clockwork. I ate lunch, rested, and cleaned up. I'm trying to finish a book too, so that's fun. I watched a bunch of those low-viewed YouTube videos of the realest people ever because I've been avoiding consuming things that rot my brain. I eventually closed my laptop and let my eyes fall because I was sleepy, and I just love it when I get the chance to sleep. When I woke up, I finally decided to work out. Since my body is still kind of sore from yesterday, I just did my usual routine without any additional weight or multiplied reps. Then of course, I ate again.
As promised, I did the Stranger cover. It was very casual. I might make another version of it once I actually memorize everything. I've been playing the guitar quite often for excessive amounts of time. Part of the reason why I couldn't make the most proper cover today was because my fingers were blistered and it ended up bleeding halfway through. Not to worry because I did put a band-aid over it. It's not the normal callous type you get. I feel like I already have the permanent callous from all the years I've played. I don't mean that in a way that makes it sound like I'm good at playing; I just love music so much that I get so obsessive over every single track I feel expresses my current state or a state I've experienced. But despite literally bleeding, I resumed playing some more songs anyway.
In the times I let my brain wander off during the late hours, I thought about the nature of why people hurt others. Whether that's sending hateful remarks, wishing people the worst, or just being plain petty and evil. I read somewhere that to find peace, people should stop chasing answers. That just won't do it for me. If anything, that falls somewhere in the lines of that whole "ignorance is bliss" saying. I do not like ignorance. I feel like I've always had this empathy for people. I always think of how others might be feeling in a given situation, and I don't think I've ever been so selfish. When I do choose myself, it's usually because I've already weighed the motives of another person. When I say I consider how others might feel, I don't mean that in an entirely positive way. Sometimes people are so vile, and you'd see right through it. But the bottom line is, in the same way I loved math because I could always chase some sort of answer, no matter the complications of how it got to whatever conclusion, I always look for a way to understand others. Everything is so contextual. I always rooted for the villains in films. So I've come to a certain reasoning. People inflict pain because they want someone to understand them. They want someone else to experience what they're going through. That's a very basic deduction, but it's not often pointed out. The phrase "hurt people hurt people" is often dismissed as just being a damaged person who'd turned out defensive and self-protective because of past circumstances. It's become something that's just passed on. No one actually ever cares enough to address it. People always say that there's no reason for why people are so hateful and pairing it with that old line of "that's just how the world works." But I choose to forgive everyone that has ever hurt me. I'd like to believe that they'll find peace one way or another too. For the record, I still hate people.
It's way too early for my brain to process anything. I couldn't even play my usual shower playlists because I was already overwhelmed with the slightest task of getting out of bed. I've never seen my school so empty. It's 6 AM. I went up to my designated room and met up with some friends. I didn't know what to expect. The time eventually came for us to take our test. We had about 5 hours. I finished the paper front and back in no time. I completed the test ahead of everyone else, by maybe 2 hours, approximately. They let us answer at our own pace which was great. I honestly think I might've even gotten a perfect score on one of the subjects. They didn’t have to split this whole test into two separate days. I'd argue it was completely unnecessary. I slept for the remaining hours. I literally woke up and a guy told me he envied how well I had slept. Overall, it was a pretty easy test.
I feel like I'm adjusting well to inconveniences. I’ve been a lot calmer recently. I still get random mood swings, but they’re not even bad. I’ve been shrugging off a lot of things. Or if I get disappointed, I just look disappointed and accept it. I’m still the same animated person, so I really can’t hide my emotions. I waited in the parking lot for over 40 minutes for my baby brother. It reminded me of those times when I’d get so happy waiting for my older brother's dismissal time because that meant I could spend more time playing with my friends. Now the people I hang out with can’t spend 10 seconds without looking at their phones. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that. I’m only stating an observation. I miss when activities were still a thing. Now I usually just stay silent and look around completely brain dead. When I was in middle school to early high school, I remember always waiting for my ride until it was dark out. I'd get my daily chocolate milk from the school vending machine and just sit. Occasionally I'd come across a friend and talk to them until they left, but I was so content with my life then.
Happy spring. Major life update: my priorities have changed. I've taken care of almost every single detail of myself, mentally and physically. My circadian rhythm is fixed, all my grades set the curve, my lips are naturally redder and barely crack, I'm not pale anymore, my skin is clear, I eat healthy, I read again, I've been getting into more hobbies, and I'm letting myself socialize. All in all, every aspect of me has improved. It's a whole list that I could go on for days. I can’t emphasize it enough. I’m taking care of all the things I’d usually overlook. I feel good.
When I got home, I ate lunch (still on the high protein diet) and then rested. The rest wasn’t quick. In fact, it took up almost the whole day. I was more tired because my baby brother interrupted my nap attempts. Something about being disturbed made me even more tired, if that makes sense. I say all this about being tired, but when I did wake up, I worked out right away. I doubled all my weights and sets too, did twice the amount of reps than I usually would, and made sure to double all the weights too. I really just felt like it. After that, I had an avocado with granola and strawberries snack. I rested some more and finally got to digitally drawing some graphics for our business. So that was fun. Today was very tiring for unknown reasons.
A little extra bit from my day: I sent a message in the class group chat, and they teased me about my rebellious tendencies. It was so funny. This is why I was always a Raven girl in Ever After High.
The change from dark to light always slips past me in the mornings. I usually go out for my runs when it's still completely dark. I do my warmups, pace my running, and before I even know it, the sun is already up. If there's a transition I can sort of point out, it's the slight cold phase where everything else becomes too blinding for my very sensitive eyes. Now that I'm thinking about it, it's my absolute favorite time of the day. Everything feels so quiet, and the temperature is always just right. We're already halfway through the week. Isn't time fast? So, I ran the morning 5 kilometers and had my breakfast. I caught up on some sleep before getting myself ready for school. I like it when I find things I can control. That statement might seem out of context, but I swear it makes sense. I've been sticking to a lot of new routines, and I'm glad I've always been the type to have crazy discipline. Anyway, when I woke up the second time around, I took my time getting ready, then spent my remaining 30 minutes before I had to leave the house writing notes for one of my subjects. I never write notes in class. I can retain information pretty quickly just by listening. Literal proof that I'm a good listener. That's if I even cared an ounce. I got to school so early that I panicked and called some of my friends. I figured that if the class was empty, everyone must've gone somewhere without informing me, which is very plausible considering I never check my inbox for announcements and such. Turns out I was just the earliest one there. I haven't received a single late slip this month. Be proud of me. I was excused for this orientation thing during our first class. My name was posted up on the school bulletin for those selected to take this test for school accreditation. It was basically just a list full of nerds (top students). People say it's something to be proud of, and some were even mad they weren't chosen. I really could not care less. I'm ranked 5th in our whole grade, so it wasn't hard to put two and two together. Of course, I'd get more extra work and have to go to school for two more consecutive days starting tomorrow while the others get to rest in the comforts of their home. I was watching the new episode of Mashle with noise-canceling on during the orientation, so I really had no idea what was happening. When I got back to class, there was this whole debate and discourse happening. Okay, for some context, we have this business that has already been approved, but we're planning on incorporating a bunch of other revenue streams because that's just how businesses work. Our mentor proposed for her friend to 'help us' by basically taking half of our allotted space with her big machines for her keychain thing that would sell for a very small price. We'd only get a cut of 20% from each sale, which makes it such a bad deal. Our mentor, who teaches business ethics, was so incredibly unethical to bring her personal relations, telling us that if we didn't avail her friend's business, her image would be ruined, and she'd fail all of us. We also have the business from the previous semester that she completely rejected out of pure pettiness. Some additional information: this is the same teacher who loathes me for never attending class and still can't find a way to fail me because my papers are always objectively perfect. She's unwilling to let us cut off a business liability just to save her face from shame or whatever. We never made any contracts, so she was doing this all to herself. Now our whole class, who won every award last semester, is getting all the disadvantages, and we're letting it happen. She probably expected that we'd come to her office and beg for forgiveness. Hypocrites don't deserve that. Then we had some class for counseling right after that. It was so funny because the air was so tense. Great timing, if I'm being honest. We were tasked to do a couple of activities. We made some business cards for whatever reason and answered more college-related aptitude tests. I had economics and club after, both of which were just free times. My parents picked me up, and then we had lunch out. When I got home, I took my nap, did my blog, and worked out. I was already sleepy around 8 PM but had a couple of tasks I had to do, so I ended up sleeping at around 11 PM. Wish me luck for my test tomorrow!
I did not wake up early. That's the first time in a while. I've been very consistent with waking up at exactly 5:30 AM every single day. And while technically, I did still wake up early, I had no choice but to snooze my alarm and sleep in. I needed an extra hour of sleep since I slept a little later than usual last night. If I forced the whole morning run thing, I would've totally passed out. School went by pretty quickly. We didn't really have any lectures. We just go to school for attendance at this point. Lane had so many vacant subjects that she just sat in with me for my entire schedule. The only thing occupying my time now is math and financing. Basically, whenever they add a new revenue stream, I always have to readjust our financial reports. I do all of this with Rio, so it's not that much of a drag. We had a seminar on college applications again. I did not listen. Very random but just to give quick appreciation, my research teacher was actually so nice to rip me a paper from her notepad with all the notes I need for the Pearson correlation coefficient (r) formulas and other complications. We spent the last two hours of school watching a rather uneventful basketball game. Not that I was expecting anything, but a single point on the ring was such a struggle for them that it was affecting me physically. No, I'm not being dramatic (I am). Anyway, Lane stuck around and was set on accompanying me for the whole day. She was with me until we reached the school gates. Along the way, Brie joined us, so she and Lane switched places. I ended up going with Brie to the mall. Tony saw us on the sidewalks and gave Brie a call, that was a pretty interesting cameo. We got Biscoffs, which I have been craving for so long. It's like a drug I've completely taken out of my system. Good to be back, though. We caught up on a lot of things. I told her some pretty funny stories, and we kind of just talked. Nothing has changed, and I'm glad to have confirmed that. I tend to overthink my relationships a lot whenever I lose contact with people for a while. I was sent a text telling me I got into this test thing. Apparently, it's important, and we're having an orientation for it tomorrow. I think it's for the top students of the school, but I really don't know as much. I'll look into it tomorrow. When I got back home, I had a lot of people asking me to give them a call so they could work on a couple of school activities with me. Now, that's great and all, but I have this problem of accepting all invitations. I don't ever learn my lesson because somehow, I always find a way around it. I ended up telling all of them to just go into VC, and I'd be there. I always end up gathering the weirdest set of people from way too different cliques. They never complain, so I'm taking that as a win. Before I did get into the call with all those people, I worked out and did arms. I hate arms. I have little to no care for the upper part of the body. It's not the build I'm going for. I do notice that I've somehow built strength in my arms already without even focusing on that muscle group. I'm nearing the mark of a whole month of this whole new hobby I've been obsessing over. Anyway, I had to write my financial statements with Rio and guide everyone else with whatever they were working on. The whole entire class was cramming for our paper. The task was actually distributed quite fairly. I did all that, so I should be thanking myself. My task was definitely the most intimidating, but it wasn't necessarily hard. I did the Statement of Comprehensive Income, Statement of Financial Position, and Cash Flow with Rio. He was lowkey panicking. I told him to chill out. I had to leave the call early since my eyes were already falling. I was already setting my bed up when my brother rang my phone up. He was going to attempt the remote play feature on the PS5 when he's literally miles away. We tried to configure the settings and all that process but ultimately failed. His wifi wasn't fast enough. I feel bad. He's coming back home soon. I'm excited for that.
I don't feel so bad today. It's Monday, which means I'd have early classes and wouldn't be able to run, which sucks. I received another set of compliments right before classes started. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. We have a few problems with the new business we're establishing as a class. Basically, every project proposal our teacher approves feels forced and dumb, and no one is willing to invest in the capital. It's not fun when we're just paying for grades. Our teacher has a huge ego and insists on implementing suggestions that we know won't sell. Everyone is laying off that whole money waste, and she got absolutely furious. She threatened to fail our whole class, citing embarrassment over how the class she's handling isn't meeting their standards. But the fact is, we won last semester's business competition because we were sure we'd generate money. Now her proposition is as good as a shot in the dark. The class usually counts on me to explain the situation, but she has a personal vendetta against me. In any scolding she does, I always get a special mention and segment on punctuality and attendance. Is it really my fault I'm not her perfect little student who just gets hundreds on everything? I'm the latter for sure, but it's so blatant that she's projecting. I'm only taking this from how she used to teach us about the importance of having fun in the moment because she never got to live her life. Anyway, we had economics for our next class and had our grades consultation. Best believe I got a hundred. So, I got that news and started setting up my makeshift bed at the back of the class. I caught up on the sleep I lost from last night. I also got the highest overall grades in philosophy. Since I'm setting the curve, that means I also got a hundred in that class. Honestly, no idea how I'm getting away with being such a no-show student and still coming out on top.
Our literature class was an hour of convincing our teacher to let us off. We were given the wrong details about the deadline for our script and had to beg her. Luckily, Skylar was good with words and managed to charm the teacher into letting us submit tomorrow with no score deductions. It was a fast day. I had lunch with Lane, and I only got to attend 10 minutes of our research class. I had to go up to our research teacher and explain my problems from yesterday. She still hasn't found the answer and will be discussing it with other statistics teachers.So, all I had left was my MathSci Quiz Bee. What was I even doing there? It definitely didn't go well, as I had anticipated. I mean, I was on top of our batch, but I did not belong there, nor did the others who were chosen, apparently. But all I did was guess. At least I wasn't the one to score the lowest. Tragic, but fun. I got a certificate, and that made the weird experience worth it. Sine carpooled with me home. Very cool.
When I got home, I played with my baby brother for a bit since he was not letting me take my afternoon nap. He's been really clingy recently. Whenever I'd pass out, he'd either climb on top of me or wrap himself around my arms. When he successfully woke me up, we played some mini golf outside.
Staring at the ceiling has become a new hobby of mine. I'm seriously considering it. I accidentally zoned out and started crying. It's a good thing, considering I did all that sad stuff before working out. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular. It’s just the same old empty feeling I've been getting for quite a while now.
Anyway, the only homework I had was to fake a semester's worth of handwritten notes. Such a weird requirement. I'm going to sleep once I finish writing this entry. I have to wake up early for my morning run.
I failed at today's attempt to draw a GPS heart on Strava. I finished my 5-kilometer run around the same time as yesterday. I could've sworn I did it faster today. Must've been my necessary turn trying to draw random things that all turned out ugly anyway. There are a few personalities, or well, characters in my neighborhood that have incorporated their way into my mornings. To mention a few, I always look for the three old best friends who walk together every day, a really athletic-looking dude who's way faster at running than I could ever dream to be, two dog walkers who are also always together, and two old - I assume they are married - couples. I had breakfast and decided I'd rest today. My body is incredibly sore. The run should be enough for my daily activity. I took a nap before taking a shower. I don't have anything else planned for today besides working on my research paper. I was assigned to do the whole chapter 4. Again, it's a mutual agreement for me and my whole class to let me handle all the math portions in exchange for the tedious work. I completed the entire encoding process, interpreted, and analyzed the data. We had over 200 respondents, so it took a while. I used a bunch of Excel equations to speed up the process. The only problem I encountered was with the Pearson correlation coefficient (r). The formula was easy enough to understand, but inputting the x and y values accurately was challenging due to the differences in the Likert scale, making it a bit more complicated. I'll probably consult my teacher about it tomorrow. I'm sure she'll just suggest translating the numbers on the scale. I also have the MathSci Quiz Bee tomorrow. I don't have any plans to study. I'm totally going to flunk that competition. I don't really care. What a nerd.
I made my teacher malfunction with all the math concerns I was raising. I feel very unaccomplished today. I was productive, but I feel like I still wasted a lot of time. I completed my 5km run early this morning, finished my research, completed a project, finished a book, and much more. Why do I feel like I didn’t do enough? Maybe it’s my screen time? I don’t like it when I use my phone. Anyway, I've been eating like a squirrel recently. The only snacks I have been consuming recently are nuts, specifically cashews. I have a lot of gratitude for this world. I might be going through a lot, which may seem insignificant to other people, but it still hurts me. I still appreciate the life I was given. It sounds corny as hell, I know. But I'm so appreciative of the fact that I always get to try again the next morning. I used to think that if I could just have a clean slate, start again with nothing to lose, I might be able to get rid of the anxiety of messing up. I've been messing up a lot. And even then, I'm still relatively well. The fact that I have yet to find contentment is enough to keep me going. It would be nice if I could find that, but this is good too. It's fun. Sometimes it can be quite depressing, but I'm given enough privilege to have multiple attempts. If I were me from five years ago in September, I would've just been writing suicide notes. I still have them with me, but god, that was a horrible time for me to live. The nicest and most understanding people are always the ones who have experienced some pretty horrible stuff. This is why if anyone were to plead or cry for help, I'd always believe them. No sane person would do that for the shallowest of attention. I don't see how people find that hard to understand. I'm totally going off track, but the bottom line is, I'm glad to be alive. I mean it, really. I'm not the type of person who'd throw pity parties.
I was doing a bunch of last-minute homework with some friends. Skylar and Rio were there too. We crammed our scripts and this whole article analysis we had to write. Everyone eventually left because they had to focus on their work. Skylar and I were left behind and started talking about whole other topics. It was funny. We almost got caught saying the most outlandish and out of pocket things. We forgot we were on a public VC. I did realize a few things. I feel like I'm way too old school hopeless romantic. Skylar was telling me about his first almost-girlfriend and how that had turned out. How they both eventually moved on, and it was fine. It was normal. Of course, it was. I totally get that. But it's just inapplicable for my messed-up brain. I must've been a dog in my past life. I genuinely believe that that sort of thing is way too out of character for me. I mean, Skylar reassured me that my way of things was actually good. But I also needed to learn the lesson that not everyone is like me, and people can be casual about a lot of things. And I understand that. I just got unlucky. Now I'm forced to either love the same person again or no one at all. I knew that from the start. I should've been smarter. It was a pretty great talk. I hope one day I can learn how to be like those other people.
I downloaded this app that can track your running activity. It's called Strava. I started my morning run at 5:55 AM, which is relatively late, but it's also an angel number, so I'm taking that as a sign that I must doing something right. I'm not superstitious, but it's a fun little coincidence that doesn't hurt anyone. The run itself was around 5 kilometers and took me about 40 minutes, give or take. Tomorrow, I'm planning on trying out a different route and maybe draw a heart while I'm at it. I also want to run as straight as possible. I really just want to try out random side quests at this point. The sun hit the trees so perfectly today that I noticed how many spider webs trees usually have. I saw different variations of it evenly scattered throughout the trees in my neighborhood. When I got home, I showered, then FaceTimed with Sirko. Her college decisions are out, and she's already been accepted to her second top pick, but she also applied to UCLA. After a while, we talked about some recent things in our lives. We've become such boring people, except I still have that one pathological liar friend who keeps Sirko and me entertained. Here's the thing, I don't want to be the one to break it to her (referring to that liar friend). We're all going our separate ways in college, and I've made the firm decision to let those new people who meet her be the ones to clock her and call her out. We've been friends for quite some time, and if I were the one to tell her that everyone in her life has known about her lies, she'd go beyond embarrassment and feel shame. I don't plan on putting that onto anyone. Sirko did tell me that she was literally going to hit me in the head because she wants to humble her so bad. But honestly, I think everyone can agree that I am way too nice and have too little care for all that effort. After the call ended, I worked out, ate, and then slept again. I'm really just proving how boring I've become. But I like it that way. To wake myself up and because I felt dirty, I had another quick shower (I swear I need to get myself tested). I watched the new episode for Mashle too! My mom got me takeout food and I ate again. I've been hitting all my daily macronutrient counts. I actually eat three times a day now. So there's that. I've been playing with my baby brother a lot. I'm moving out in a few months and I just know that I'll be missing him a lot. I invited him over to my room and we played a bunch of games.
I had a talk with Sirko earlier about this feeling that I get. I have this genuine fear. I feel like I've reached the limit in finding things out. I just want to cover my ears. I've been so scared that I've been avoiding everything. I mean that literally. I know it's long gone, and Sirko was sure I felt this fear because I wanted to keep the good parts of it. Because I didn't want to alter anything and I was scared that one day I'll grow indifferent. I'll be honest, this whole thing is against my will. I was well content with loving silently. That was until a couple of things took its turn. Again, it's no one's fault, but if it had just never happened. If I never saw it, I would've been fine. People (online forums) say it's a good thing knowing it's a whole bullet you've just dodged, but I don't know. I want to defend that bullet. I know there's good in that bullet. It's sad. I mean, it's unfair. While they get to throw everything out, I still keep every last leftover in the bed I sleep at. Like everything. I reread all the letters so often knowing the person who wrote it doesn't even exist anymore. It's so unfair. I may or may not be crying right now. My 11 PMs have turned into my 3 AMs. I guess no matter how early I sleep my last thought would always be the one I wish I could forget. When should I let go? I can't figure out what I want because everything scares me. I'm scared of being misunderstood, scared of saying the wrong things, scared of walking away, and scared of staying. I'm stuck. I usually choose not to talk about this here, but I feel like I should log this step just this once. It's a new feeling. I'm scared. A pit in my stomach that just won't go away.
I found an empty Airheads wrapper while cleaning my bag. The contents of the said bag include a pink calculator, a card holder, an empty wallet, 2 lip products, and not much else. And yet I still carry it with me to school every single day. We're having our midterms exam today. I am very confident that I'll do well. It rained for the first time in a while. Pretty cool. I came to school an hour early so I could maybe clear my head and read through the materials one last time. For safety measures, I just had to check up on the gears in my brain. They might've rusted overnight, how was I to know? I stayed in the library for a bit until the bell rang. Before the exams were given out, I was called to the front and was given an invitation paper. Apparently, I had one of the highest scores in that one science and math thing. Now my name is listed at the top of the MathSci Quiz Bee. I do not belong in competitions. I care too little for them. I'm competitive, but not this kind. I'd originally just skip it, but I can't because I'm one absence away from getting withdrawn from the Dean's listers. I need to graduate with highest honors, preferably somewhere in the top 3 again. I'm not making it too much of a goal; our teachers were pretty unfair this semester. Can't do anything about it, I was barely in class anyway. I thank myself for having such a huge brain capacity. The exams went awesome. One of them had the exact answers as the ones I had gotten from the advanced answers. But I'm smart and I actually spotted a bunch of mistakes on the leak. I am like the perfect balance of good and evil. Isn't that awesome? My parents picked me up from school, and I tagged along during my mom's grocery shopping. Best believe I was picking out a bunch of things high in protein. Okay, I was talking to this other friend about supplements and I'm still thinking about whether or not I should actually take them. I reach my goal pretty much every day from its natural sources already, so I might just wait for a while before I try waters with that whole thing. When I got home, I passed out. I woke up, washed, worked out, then ate. I traded fun for peace today. I could not physically go out anymore. My social battery is very drained. I cried in the shower. I also cried while talking to my mom about some things. Then I cried again in the next shower that I took. I am still the same old when it comes to being clean. It's a whole tedious process, but I just love it. The last time I cried was a little over a week ago. I'm okay, though. It's pre-workout, trust. For the past years, my cries have always been so limited that you could actually count them with your fingers. I've only cried thrice this month. That's a 90% decrease from last month and the month before that. I'm doing fine. I'll work on my book for a bit, then I'm calling it a night.
Happy Pi Day to those who celebrate. I didn't complete the 5 kilometers. I woke up 30 minutes later than usual, but that meant the sun was already up. My head was in a loop, and I wasn't processing anything. I gave up with only 10 minutes left of running. I just couldn’t. My self-esteem has been really low recently. I was listening to a podcast, and it made me loathe myself so much. Maybe it's my insecurities creeping in. I've become someone I can't be alone with. I used to not have the need to outsource love and assurance. I loved being with myself. And maybe I still do, but having to think about anything makes me want to vomit. I still don't get how I feel. Like I'd rather not be with friends because they stress me out a lot, but also when I'm with friends, I can be another version of myself. Not the most authentic, but also not fake. I mean that in a way that I get to pick parts of myself that I actually like and stay with that. Basically, fake it till I make it, but not exactly fake, just conveniently presenting the likable part of myself.If that makes sense. It's tiring. I don't like being with myself or being with people. How convenient is that? I say that maybe one day I'd find someone who I'd feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with, but the chances of that are very low. I have Sirko, but even I know my problems get too much sometimes. I am incapable of putting a burden on other people. I also haven't been feeling the prettiest. I miss how I used to look. I'm probably just crazy, but I swear I don't recognize myself anymore. I think it got worse the day I found some stuff out, and it's only been going downhill from then. I'm choosing to ignore it, but it's been affecting me so much. My insufficiencies haunt me. Maybe if I were actually pretty. A little smarter? Nicer? I don’t get what made me so replaceable. Well, I can't even get myself to like me. I don't need Sherlock to know the answers to that, honestly. So maybe I do get it. I wish I could un-get it. I used to like myself, whatever happened to that. On a lighter note, I had a funny encounter with a neighborhood dog during my run. So that was fun. I ate breakfast and got ready for the day.
I'm hosting a study group in my other house. I have quite a few people dropping by. People love to study with me. Guessing the exam's contents is like this very useful talent I have. It's not even anything complicated, generally, people always have a pattern they stick to. The same thing could be applied to teaching methods teachers use. The first person to come to my house was actually one which I invited very last minute. It took him like 5 minutes to come. I ordered food for everyone, like a good host, and ate first. We didn't exactly all eat at the same time since everyone was arriving at different times. I have mentioned almost all of the people who came by in this blog. We were pretty chill about studying. Ria was either singing, eating, or asleep. It's okay, she'll make it through our midterms tomorrow. Lane was heavily distracted by another friend of mine she had a crush on. And for the rest of the people who actually shared the same courses I did, I taught them the lessons like I always do. We played some Kahoots I made the night before, then I ended up getting the exam's leak. So everyone who came to my house will for sure be getting somewhat close to a perfect score, if not a perfect score. Nobody wanted to leave. We were all having such a good time that everyone was extending their stay hour after hour. I didn't mind it. I love people's company. Except for one. My pathological liar friend was there and whenever she's placed in any big group, it kind of triggers her lies. I clocked all of them (privately). It was funny. In the middle of studying, somebody suggested we go out and do some grocery shopping. Some context, the house I was at, is our guest house so it has a bunch of accommodations that make it a livable and functioning house. So we walked to the store pretty nearby and got the ingredients. I felt so guilty. I feel like I'm allergic to unhealthy foods now. They, referring to my friends, suggested that I treat today as a cheat day. While they were convincing me, I was telling my friend that we should ditch everyone and go to the gym literally in front of the house. Maybe next time, when we don't have a test to study for. We cooked, it was fun and chaotic, then got our share of plates. I gave them a house tour as per requested too. I'm gonna be honest, I literally discovered a new room in that house tour. I don't usually go upstairs. So that's good to know. Before we ended our little hangout, my friend (the gym bro one) cleaned up, and my other friend (my classmate, also our president) did the dishes. They're such nice guests. For that, I'm giving them names in this blog. In the order mentioned, I'll call them Rio and Peter. When I got home, I showered and hopped on call with Sine and Peter. We brushed up on our subjects for tomorrow, and when Sine left, I taught the whole Literature lesson to Peter. I've been prepared for this Midterms since forever. I don't really need for anyone to wish me luck, but for good measures, wish me luck!
I had a very slow 5-kilometer run. I have school later in the day, so I wasn't in my best spirits. I was just in my head. I couldn't find a good playlist I could stick to. After all that, I did my workout, had breakfast, and took my time getting ready for school. I could barely walk up the flight of stairs at school to where my classroom was located. I had the stamina for it, but I could feel my hamstrings begging me to just stop. To put it out there, I love it when my body's sore. It would mean that I'm doing something right. I literally hate the days when none of my muscles are hurting. Nonetheless, I just wanted to sit down. So I did. Our first class was free time. So was our second (turned it into my nap time). We had a long test that I did not study for in our third. Before the subject, I was sent leaks of the test we were just about to take. I answered it, and it wasn't that bad. I'm not surprised I can perfectly answer a test I did not prepare for. I've already read through that subject's materials a while back. I retain information pretty well. It's good to remind myself that I really don't need to try as hard. I am literally a prodigy. I feel like my sense of morals is so chaotic. I like it that way though. I'm very reasonable with a lot of things. We had club today, and I actually attended. Club is usually just a free pass for an hour session of yapping. We're friends with our moderator, so time usually passes pretty quickly.
My friends are hitting me up with the casual "send the addy." So teenager of them. I was going through a dilemma. I had made plans with another friend group and had to cancel for another. I felt so bad. I had to choose between my social life and academics. You could guess which one I chose. Picking a decision took up so much of my time that I ended up not being able to study for the night. I had to pick what was beneficial for my grades. I am so incredibly sorry.
My legs are still sore from yesterday. The 5-kilometer run went by pretty fast. I ran faster each time a single thought would cross my mind. I wish I could shut it up. But then again, I've already experienced this before. My insomnia stemmed from my relentless overthinking of the most useless things ever. I swear I get my talking problem from the tiny voice inside my head. But after many failed experiments, I've learned to deal with it. Now, I can drift off to sleep almost instantly, regardless of time or place. That took me years to figure out. I cried countless nights thinking I'd never get better. I saw three bags of dried leaves during my run. It looked pretty. I like seeing pretty things. I don't have school today. I showered, had breakfast, took a short nap, and then worked out. Not exactly ideal, but my body was aching. I'm almost done with my current read. Speaking of reading, I also helped my baby brother with his new set of words. As a reward, I let him play Flash games on my laptop. Then, I got back to writing my book and had lunch. I've been sending people those slime, cake, wax, or food videos. I think they're the funniest things ever. I had a few things to study for today. I wasn't exactly rushing for any deadlines or had the need cram. I'm already well-versed with all our lessons. I did some pretty light study sessions. I went on a call with a friend. I can trace back this need for codependence to 4 years ago. Back when we still had online classes, I must've found it comforting just knowing that there was another person with me pulling all-nighters and all that. It boosts my motivation. If it works, why do I have to change that? I don't even need to have them talk, I just want the presence of another individual. Anyway, I completed some projects not due until next week too. My friend and I ended up just talking since there was really nothing left to study. He did bring up the topic about my insane networking. I feel like I'm the go-to guy if you ever need to reach anyone. I don't know how I ended up becoming friends with a lot of people from different cliques. I'm not complaining, connections are very useful. Skylar joined our call after a while. I wrote some more (and even annotated) for my book. I hope this little hobby doesn't die down. The book heavily relies on my emotions, so I can only wish for the best. Just putting this here because it means a lot, but I received the best acknowledgement and praise ever. Skylar told me that I was his lifeline. Apparently, I am hard-carrying his life right now. Academically, almost the whole class relies on my reviewers. I'm also a good motivator. I've never been the type to invalidate hard work. I always tell people I get hundreds because I memorize everything. The people I was on call with was thanking me for my services. It made me feel like I was actually contributing to other people's lives and that my existence still meant at least something for someone. Our topic eventually shifted into something more personal, and Skylar and I had to transfer to a private call. I learned a few things. Really good things actually. Like too good. Good in a way that makes me smirk. That's weird to say, but long story short, defaults are defaults for a reason. I was so happy that I made another cover. I have been posting so many videos of me playing instruments (by instruments I mean the same old acoustic or electric guitar and piano rotation) and singing some specific lyrics. Although I've always done them, it's weird because it used to be so occasional. I must really be going through it, huh? My favorites are the ones filmed on my MacBook. The bad microphone quality just adds to it.
It's been a while since I last attended our school's morning assemblies. I woke up at 6 AM and somehow still made it on time. To be fair, I really can't afford to mess up now. I'm on high probation. Well, not too high. I have plot armor. A friend of mine even commented on how he found it awesome how I could just dance through the school's dress code. His words, not mine. Even if I didn't try, my purple hair is already breaking that code. Our school is definitely allergic to cool. Speaking of cool, I need to lessen my usage of that word. It's been my favorite reply recently. It keeps my mouth from information vomiting 24/7. I've also noticed how my laugh has changed. It's weird. I don't like it. But, what can I do? I always overlook how active I actually am in school. On the days that I do attend, I feel like I've always taken the floor. Against my will, but people's votes keep me there. We were supposed to have a bunch of tests today, but I guess every teacher collectively decided to scrap that idea and move it all to next week. I appreciate that and all, but they could've told us sooner. It would've saved me a couple more hours of sleep. I usually have the aux in class, but my other friends were addicted to billiards techno music so they took over. It was funny because they were so respectful of me. They put on Taylor Swift techno music. How sweet is that? During our Literature class, we discussed the project I talked about in one of my previous entries. We were drawing lots for the topic and form of postmodern literature we'd be incorporating into our presentation. Skylar called me out for luck. Using my hands for the random selection put us at a great advantage. We got the easiest one, which was Parody, and our topic was Taylor Swift. I got a lot of daps for that show of luck. It wasn't even just that. Before I even got to pick, I already had offers. They all were set on giving me Taylor if they ever got it. I am so grateful for all my friends. I walked home with the group I've been hanging out with recently. The one with Skylar. I mean, it's not even a new one. We've always been in the same circle of friends since 8th grade. I was telling them about hitting the gym after class. They also invited me for golf sometime soon. So I did leg day and a couple of other favorite workouts then just died. I got home pretty quickly. I teared up a bit. I was staring at the one light in my room's ceiling. I forgot to mention, but for the whole day, I've been slowly making progress on the book I'm writing. I taught my baby brother a new game on my laptop. He's learning to use just one hand when pressing the WASD keys. I was on a call with Skylar for the rest of the night. We were working on our project. We're actually underground rap artists. We made the coolest bars ever and are actually very proud of our work. I did have to go after a while since my discipline is insane and I'm actually sticking to my early runs. I find it cute that my friends are supporting me with this new hyperfixation. Glazing goes insane.
I put my hair up in a very messy braid. I'm trying to map out a good route. I finished a 6-kilometer run just a little after the sun came up. My workout was focused on core again. I had a fairly good shower and came downstairs for breakfast. I don't feel as heavy anymore. I had to open a new pack of bandaids because of how blistered my feet have become. The price I have to pay. My mom made me hot milk too, which was a nice gesture. I eat pretty slowly, so I started studying while eating to not waste any time. I have continued studying since. Or at least I tried to. My mind is very interrupted, and I hate that I break everything I come into contact with. It's actually so serious. I was on a call with a friend. We were supposed to study but ended up just having an extended conversation about protein. Don’t even ask how. We did solve a few equations. Very simple. Not entirely simple because even though we’re both smart at math, he was starting to question the formula and I was starting to lose it. Over one wrong input. I put in the wrong sign. Rookie mistake. Almost cried today. But I think my body is physically incapable of producing them now. I just feel very overwhelmed. On top of that, time really does tell. But right now, the bandaids are wearing off. I actively listened to We Can’t Be Friend (Wait For You Love) by Ariana grande for about 10 hours straight. I rewatch Star Wars a lot hoping for Padme and Anakin’s happy ending. It never happens. I should learn by now. The song attacked me so personally that I learned it on the piano and did a cover. Before I went to sleep, I received a call from Lane. Fun fact, she has the biggest crush on the person I was previously on call with. I've been trying to set them up. She talked about all her attempts at forming some sort of interaction with him and one of them was when she was looking for me. I found out that everyone apparently just assumes that I get called into the disciplinary office often. And while I do, why would is that the first place people suggest to check out when they're guessing my whereabouts. All the time Lane was looking for me, I was literally on the classroom floor sleeping. After her stories, I ended up teaching her all my lessons. Every call I get into ends up turning into a study session. I take all the blame for that. When I'm to lazy to actively recall my notes, I just use the Feynman's method.
It's still very dark outside, it's 5:30 AM. I brushed my teeth, clipped my bird's nest (hair), put on my headphones, and wore a hoodie. I went for a 5-kilometer run for about an hour. It's insane because I've already doubled my steps compared to a regular day, all in just the first hour of today. When I got back, I paced my walking and calmed down for a bit. Yesterday's workout focused on my core, and today I'm focusing on arms. After working out, I showered. Then, I logged some daily activities on my laptop. I've decided to finally start my listography account! I'm obsessed with it, though it took me quite a while to set up. I ate my first meal of the day, all the while, this was happening. With some extra time, I watched a couple of long-duration videos and ended up falling asleep. When I woke up, I saw a text from Sirko. She got into her dream university! The first word of her letter read "Congratulations," and that's when you just know. I am incredibly happy for her. Life has been treating us really well recently. Take it from us, it really does get better. Not too long ago, we were going through the worst, and it's not like we're not open to vulnerabilities, we expect them to come back, but that's just how things go. Right now, we're happy, and this contentment is something I would never trade for anything in the world. I created more lists and made myself a peanut butter sandwich. Check out my Listography! My mom made me some chocolate milk and got me fries too. Super grateful for that. I have finished making all the lecture summary notes needed for this week's upcoming midterms, and I'm actually pretty advanced. All that's left is for me to revise and memorize them. I should be good.
Feeling a lot like when Bad Habits by Steve Lacy was played everywhere, and I was in the streets of New York, with cars blasting that song as I waited for the next stoplight to cross the road and make a run for the next block to get Sirko a book from Barnes. I woke up late today. I didn't mean to, but I must've snoozed my alarm unknowingly. I rushed through my shower, grabbed a plate of breakfast, then headed to the car. I made it to my first period on time. Our midterms schedule is out, and we're only having 2 tests. Sucks to be the others who didn't take up business. We have a pretty slow workload front, and I am very much well-rested. School was very routine-like today. I actually liked it. I did fall asleep during my break time and the last half of my first subject. We had free time the whole day. It was awesome. When I got home, I took my afternoon nap and attended a Zoom meeting. We're doing this pitch for our business proposal, and it's a real business we will be investing in soon, so it's quite the thing. I'm leading finance again as the Vice President of the company, and my only role was to explain the math of our business plan. It was very easy. After that, I did a quick wash and worked out for an hour. Shortly after, I ate protein (lots of it), and I'm just really happy right now. I replied to some friends I have been leaving inboxed for and I had to explain the weird phase I've been going through. I wrote a bit, took yet another nap, played with my baby brother and got ready for bed early. Today felt long and I love that. I'm unwinding before I go to sleep with Mary Oliver's book Devotions.
My makeup felt like butter on skin. I somehow feel healthy. Maybe I just haven't been feeling my best recently. But I'm good right now. I feel happy. I was very active the whole day. I had this burst of energy, and I don't even know where it's coming from. I must've been struck by lightning overnight while I was sleeping or something. I got called again to the office, which sucks. If I'm not mistaken, it should be the last one. Again, I wasn't wearing the proper dress code, so I had to switch pants with Sine. I'm glad she's cool with it. I barely have any recollections of my classes. We had activities that I participated in, but they didn't leave a lasting impression. Our business proposal was put on hold, so we decided to scrap our initial ideas and come up with something on the spot. I mean, if it wasn't getting approved at first submission, there was definitely something wrong. We ended up creating something pretty promising. We already got ourselves a key partner who's willing to get a cut of our profit too. Philosophy class was a bore. I tried listening for the first half of it, but before I even knew it, I was already at the back of the class snoozing. I received my papers from my Literature subject, and so far, all my grades have been straight As. Not a single mistake on any of the papers, and some even exceeded the total score. We had groupings for a project we'll soon be having, and I just had to excuse myself - missing the selection of leaders. When I returned, I was confused because they were telling me to pick. One, I'm bad at picking, and two, my head was out of the loop. Before I could even make my decision, they outsmarted everyone and appointed Skylar as the leader, who then chose me as his assistant leader against my will. This project accounts for 60% of our final grade. I got finessed.
After school, as scheduled, I brought Ria and Lane over to my other house. That house is basically the hangout house. Our main purpose of the day was to hit the gym. We'll be occupying our Thursdays with this whole after-school hangout thing. I had the most fun today. I was hurting from laughing so hard more than the actual workouts we were doing. Before we got there, we went through the drive-thru at Burger King, and Ria introduced us to their chicken, which was so good. Back at the house, we feasted while talking about my friend's ex. Ria started comparing him to a guy from Pink Panther, and it was funny. I even grabbed a napkin and claimed that he was easy to draw. So, I drew him. It looked exactly like him. After that, we did some karaoke. We encountered some technical difficulties, which consumed some time, but my jokes were speeding up the clock. We were having so much fun. After an hour of that, we went to the gym, but we didn't stay long... not at all. Instead, we ended up doing a bunch of workouts at home because there were no other people to judge us. My body was aching. We lied down on the floor, grabbed the microphones we used for karaoke, and started a little podcast session. The day was getting dark, and I had to drop them off at their houses. We bid our goodbyes, and I passed out the moment they left (I sleepwalked from the car to my main house's sofa). Halfway through my paralyzed condition, I overheard my baby brother crying over how I'm always asleep in the morning and afternoon, and we never have time to play anymore. He's really taking to heart the fact that I'll be going to college soon. I wanted to play with him today too, but I couldn't move. I always try my best to make time for him. I love my baby brother so much. I ended my night wrting some more stuff while on a call with Lane.
And again. Crying once again, but right now, it isn’t over the person. It’s doubting if what we had was even real at some point. How can anyone who was so invested in something suddenly just let go of everything so easily unless they never really were invested? There’s just no way in hell it’s happening so fast. I don't blame anyone for it, but God, do I feel betrayed. I still can't see anyone after you, but I guess I was the only one who meant that.
Do I not deserve a good day? I was doing so well.
I was seated at the corner of the classroom an hour early before the class had even started. I did get called to the office (alone), which I found very worrying at first, but as it turns out, it wasn't even that bad. Before I visited, I had to change my clothes. I had not a single article of clothing that wasn't violating the dress code. I texted my friends asking for help. I managed to borrow a top from Brie and bottoms from Sine. I was even forced to change my hairstyle since our school doesn't allow dyed hair. I let down my hair and wore a hoodie over it. I returned my borrowed items shortly after. We didn't have many discussions in any of the classes I attended. I spent my lunch with Brie and her friend. We talked about people and events. I started having the worst cramps ever with only a few subjects left right before we were dismissed. We had this interview activity, and I was walking like a zombie. One of my friends offered to make a run and get me panadol because I had lost the ability to walk. His friend told me that he's experienced the period cramps simulator and that he knew how I felt, so he had his respects for me. I feel so validated. I always forget that people don't actually hate me. I slept through club time, and our teacher, who's actually my friend, just let me off. Today is Wednesday. My weeks are starting to feel short again, and I'm glad. When I got home, I played with my baby brother, slept, washed up, made hot chocolate, and did some more writing. I also played a bit of guitar until I realized that I needed to brush up on a topic we're writing an essay about tomorrow. I read over some notes and slept.
My morning was greeted with compliments. I hadn't done anything special. I walked to my first class and got two dudes telling me I looked nice. That literally got into my head. It wasn't just that, too. Another girl even told her friend to tell me that she thought I looked pretty. This went on for the whole entire day. I have no idea where they're coming from, but at least that set me in a good mood. It's not that I'm new with compliments, but I do notice a significant increase of it today. It's weird. Recently, Sirko and I have been sending each other those Pinterest life core quotes. We look like a modern version of those live laugh love moms. But I think it's the cutest thing ever. I wasn't in my best state yesterday, but that doesn't water down the fact that I have actually been pretty satisfied with my life lately. I'm making plans again. And that calls out for something.
I got sent to the office during one of my early classes. Obviously, it concerned my attendance. It wasn't that big of a deal. Except for maybe the fact that I can't exceed my limit for lateness and absences this month, or else I'd be off the dean's list. My class has this joke going around that I have become the class's irrelevantly relevant phantom. Like they were used to not seeing me around, but I still played a major part in class. They actually respect how I go about my life. My academics are well on top, and yet I manage to miss every class ever because I'm out traveling miles away. As of the moment, I hold no stress. I am already caught up and well-versed, advanced even, in all my subjects. I've put all the things that weigh my mind back home, but not my current one. Out of sight, out of mind. My brain was flooded with new ideas for my book. I was consulting Ria about it. She helped me a lot! I found myself a corner in class and wrote for a while too. I was all around today. I'd say the word for it is hyper. But that's just how I've always acted.
My night was spent playing the electric guitar. I may have been a bit excessive about it. Maybe a bit too emotional. I broke the strings from playing too hard. Ouch. Succeeding this event, I was forced to unplug it and play another day once I get the guitar fixed. I drifted off to sleep while writing my book.
I have solidified a recent discovery I made. I am grossed out. It feels like a favorite piece of comfort clothing becoming an outside one. That's a high level lost of respect, by the way.
I barely got any sleep last night. I decided to intentionally take the 3 hours of sleep and go to school early. I've been told off too many times for not attending my early subjects. I knew I was being monitored. I was writing a very long paragraph just before I went off to bed yesterday. It was a gut feeling. I confirmed it in the middle of my first class's lecture. I excused myself and cried in the bathroom stalls. I called Sirko and let my tears drip horizontally since I didn't want to make a mess. I was quietly sobbing and listening to Sirko comfort me until I heard a familiar voice. It was Lane's. I didn't tell her why I was crying, and I told her not to tell anyone. I'm not supposed to be sad. All I ever do is consider those around me. Why do people choose to hurt me anyway? They for sure knew what they were doing. Being right all the time can get a little tiring. Why can't I just be left alone? I don't understand. For the record, I never even doubted myself. Of course, I'd be right. I always am. It sucks that I'm right even in the things I want to be wrong in. But fair trade, I guess. And everyone took me for a crazy person. I'm not. I've been silent, but I've reasoned out every possible probability. It's not that defending myself matters because I think I can handle the blame well enough alone. If I published the notebook I religiously wrote in, trying to figure out where I went wrong, maybe people would take my side too. Except maybe it's a bit too cynical for anyone's liking. There's pretense somewhere between the lines when people tell me they understand. Because I understand, and I would've never done what they do to me. And now I'm supposed to exit the bathroom with a smile. Because god forbid I burden them with any more problems when I know they probably already carry enough weight on their own. I understand. I actually went to excuse myself a couple more times after the first one. I got a text message later on in the day from Skylar asking me about what happened. Apparently, what I thought nobody was noticing, he noticed. He claims to have seen the tears in my eyes. I was so sure to wipe them off each time I left. I had my 3 long tests. I think I got about 3 mistakes on each one of the tests. Oddly specific number, but I am well aware of the mistakes I make. I had a mental block for the first time in a while in one of my tests. It's understandable. My brain right now is very occupied. I wish it would stop. For the whole day, I found it difficult to breathe. I was nauseous. Because all it took was one confirmation, and my intentions have changed. I was basically forced out of a place I wanted to stay at. I wanted to stay. But all's well that ends well or whatever Shakespeare wrote. I had lunch with Ria, Lane, and Brie. That kept my mind off things for a bit. We talked about gym schedules. I haven't been writing about that particular topic in my blog, even though it's been quite the interest I've had for a while, only because I don't think anybody really wants to read that, and I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. I might though, when I feel good about it. I tried my best to act like my regular self today. It went decent. I picked up some coffee before going home, and when I got home, instead of the usual passing out, I ate a meal and played with my baby brother. I took the time I didn't have to start writing the book I talked about wanting to write yesterday. I drafted out a couple of plans for the chapters and wrote a couple of random lines. I wrote it while listening to Gracie Abram's unreleased songs. The book in my head is already well-established. I sadly had to ruin that flow and actually put all that book thing on hold. I have a 20-page research due tomorrow, and I have yet to open a document file. I cleaned up for the night and called Skylar to finish our separate research papers. I finished two hours before midnight. Since I figured I still had time, I decided to cut my hair. Yes, again. I have a problem.
It’s currently 4 AM, and I’ve been giggling, rolling around my bed, kicking my feet, throwing my pillows, screaming, and pacing around my room. I am so incredibly in love. I am flushed. My head is hanging upside down on the side of my bed. I feel so hot I might actually throw up. I want to write a book. I will be writing a book. I am fully deciding on and committing to writing a book. My heart is literally about to burst out of my chest. Oh my god.
I wrote that paragraph last night, and the first thing I did upon waking up was finish the last chapter of that book. It wasn't a five-star book, but it was very cute. The author is self-published, and I do take notice of all the grammatical errors, but I have my respect for her. I have this thing wherein whenever I finish any sort of media that has storytelling, I never get satisfied with the ending. This is probably why I love Studio Ghibli films; they always feature open endings. But I don't know, I guess it was good. I even highly appreciate the dual perspective in this romance book as the last chapter, but my ego as a classic reader is in the way of making me rate the book a little higher. That, and I am literally romance-deprived. That definitely sets some bias and will tamper with how good the book I actually read was. Objectively, no, it wasn't the best. Subjectively, as per my current condition, it was good. Anyway, I had my shower, cleaned my room, wrote, and ate breakfast.
I've got three long tests lined up for tomorrow, which I only found out about today. Not that I could've done anything if I had known sooner, since I've been so busy this week. You can take a wild guess and figure that I've been studying the whole day. I somehow managed, but let's see how well I can apply what I've learned tomorrow. I'm currently taking a break. I'll do some more studying before midnight, but I'm calling it a night after that. I don't want to stay up late anymore.
I lied, I stayed for an hour more and did the Feynman method with Lane as my pretend student. I started studying exactly at 3:00 PM and ended at 12:45 AM. Total Studied/Elapsed Time: 7 hours, 26 minutes, and 27.681 seconds. I finished at the same time as one of James Scholz's 11-hour livestreams.
Discord nuked all URLs hosted on their platform. The links I sourced through Discord are now completely invalid. It's convenient that most of my URLs are directly within the source code of my website. I feel bad for the other Neocities users though.
My sleep cycle, or rather the lack thereof, has been taking a great toll on my body. I've been so dull, and my undereye bags are definitely at their worst state. I feel like with this bad physical state, it affects the rest of my mood like it's on some kind of domino effect. I mean, I'm having fun. But I feel like my system is about to shut down anytime soon. My plans for the day included a lot of study sessions. I scheduled my day out by the hour and everything. But that was halted since I was forced to go out again. This past month has been so busy and full, and all I want to do is study at this very moment. Nonetheless, I had no other choices. I grabbed a cookie and headed out the door. I studied for my Philosophy test in the car and took back some lost hours of sleep. We went to our farm and gave some family members that came with us a tour. Again, a lot of new things have been added since I last visited. Our land there is actually a lot bigger than I remember. A new building is currently under construction. It's a three-storey art gallery and it even has a new fully-built guest house behind it. Then adjacent to the main house, there's now a pool with a to-be-built bar like structure beside it. We stayed there for a while. I introduced my baby brother to Marco Polo while the adults talked. I had a very cold evening. We went out and had dinner at this restaurant. The food there has my nod of approval. But as I'm writing this, I don't think it was really all that. When I finished eating, I went on my phone and started reading an eBook. Here's a few takeaways: I am full of bullshit. I say that I don't want to experience love again out of pity for whoever I'd love next, but oh my god. It took one single line from a book and suddenly my head was spinning again. Because hear me out. I am the biggest hopeless romantic ever. That's a fact that has been set in stone for the longest time. Sure, my first experience with it didn't end up the way I wanted, but there's always a second time, right? I can turn every happy thing that I turned sad into something happy again. Trust. I'll stop carrying the weight I'm so fearful of letting go eventually. I am so weak from that book. I want to scream into a pillow and learn French. We had another long car ride and resided at our other house for a bit. Majority of the topic circulated around personal files and documents, until my baby brother insisted I play with him and we had a round of Marco Polo again. That's when I had the biggest scare of my life ever. He basically went for a dive from one side of the sofa to the other. He tumbled. I didn't see if he went headfirst since the sofa was covering it, but I ran and asked him how he was. He told us he was fine and he was panicking. I asked the scaling of how much it hurt; he's used to that since he's literally at the hospital once or twice a week. He ended up being unscathed, and suddenly everyone in the room was making jokes. I asked him first with like math questions to test his cognitive function. He struggles with math, and it's cute seeing him count, so we all found it funny. Then we made him recite his poem for school. That eventually escalated into us pulling that one invisible prank on him. He believed it. Then for quite some time, he enjoyed it until he started crying because he's literally a child. Then he started having doubts, so I got one of the other older kids in the house to help me pull off the same magic trick. But all I did was like make him hide and my baby brother was amazed. So, I went home, and now I'm writing my blog. It's 3 AM. I am sleeping after this. Goodnight.
In a dusty toy shop, a tucked-away Madison Monkey is quietly hoping for the day we meet. Contrary to popular belief, I've always thought that Madison Monkeys are by far the cutest Jellycat ever. I dream of owning one. Earlier, Sirko and I had a little discussion about it - though it wasn't quite an argument, she definitely expressed clear concern about my preference. Madison Monkeys are the best.
I hate family gatherings. I wasn't looking forward to going out today. No, let me rephrase that. I am not looking forward to going out anytime soon. I had a cookie before leaving the house, so that at least put my mood in a neutral state. The gathering was held at my old childhood house. Everything is smaller than I remember. I can barely recognize a single face at our family reunion. It’s my grandmother’s birthday. We have a very extended family, and it feels like this huge event every year. It doesn’t favor my family, though. I think all my distrust in families and my cynical mind stem from our situation. My immediate family is great, but the rest of it... not at all. I will not be detailing out the problems that come with my family, but it’s enough for me to never speak to them. But when I do see them, I obviously plaster a smile on my face. There was this magic show portion of the party. It would’ve and should’ve been good if I wasn’t a know-it-all. The magician was actually a talent from television. Pretty cool. I participated in a charades game and almost won. It was against my will. I wonder what it’s like when you’re not exposed to that many horrible people. In a way, whenever I look for friendship, I have a tendency to stay with those who share similar emotional trauma. Like Sirko. Family lore goes hard for sure. We didn't go straight home but instead to our other house that my aunt and cousin are currently staying at. A shortwhile after, we finally went home. I had dinner, cleaned myself up, then opened my PC.
I sorted out all the files in my website's directory. It was honestly quite the challenge. One of the errors I completely overlooked was this missing forward slash. When I did figure that out, I had to re-edit over 30 files (pages). It was very tedious, but I did it in the end. It's better that I addressed that whole problem sooner. If I were to organize this website any later, I swear it would be near impossible to even fix anything. I'd be the next YandereDev for sure.
I also organized my bookmarks on Chrome. My desktop feels a lot cleaner now.
Before going to sleep, I read Corduroy by Don Freeman as a bedtime story.
Happy leap day! How is it only Thursday? I don't feel so well. Is it the dehydration? I was planning on doing a couple of blog entries today, but I had to cut it short since my parents had other plans. We went out, and I was just out of the loop. I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know how I can make myself feel better. I’ve been having this gut-wrenching feeling for quite a while now. I don’t know what my problem is. I want to cry and never see anyone ever again. It’s like everyone is making me feel bad about myself. I don’t even have anything to feel bad about. I feel like my brain is about to explode, and I just want to scream. I don’t mean to sound all sad, but what can I do, it’s all I’m thinking about right now. Why do I feel like I'm in the dumps when literally nothing bad is happening? Life could be worse, so I really should stop complaining.
The new month has already crept up as I am writing this blog entry. I'm planning on reading some of Mary Oliver's works before going to sleep.
I got home from my flight around midnight. I’m choosing to skip school tomorrow. My room smells like strawberries. I’ve been noticing how nondescriptive I’ve become. I blame it on all the business proposals I’ve been writing. I mean, I know my diary isn’t supposed to be fictional, but I sound so deadpan sometimes. Oh well. I cried before going to sleep. It’s like I can be okay for an entire day, but the moment I hit the bed, I just start feeling bad again. It’s not even because of any external problems; it’s more of an I hate myself kind of problem. When I woke up to start my day, the first thing I did was fix the mess that I left from unpacking last night. I was taking it slowly. I watched this week’s episode of Mashle, then FaceTimed Sirko. We exchanged stories until she grew too sleepy to talk. That’s when I pulled out my stuffed toys and started telling her about the plot of the book I’ve been reading recently. It was basically a bedtime story. I mean, the book itself wasn’t that great. The author is self-published, which I respect, but I couldn't help but notice how she writes "anyways" instead of "anyway," "Rubix" instead of "Rubik’s," and other minor grammatical errors, but I was eating the plot up. I was definitely self-inserting because the story was hitting a bit too close to home. I met new people too. I joined my friend’s VC in Discord, and they introduced me to some girls. We had a pretty funny engagement. I also found out that they actually already knew me. Cool. Evening came, and I was invited to eat out with my family. That included my aunt and cousin, whom I was just with during our trip to Thailand. The table was filled with stories that were kind of concerning but funny at the same time. It all seems so long ago. It was a lot too.
Double Trouble chocolate chip cookie. I love cookies. They make everything feel a little better. I feel like I can fix aloof my problems as long as I have a cookie on my hand. I’m strictly talking about the freshly bakes ones though. I’ve been eyeing this one cookie shop that we walk by almost every morning and decided that today was the day I get one. Best decision ever. It was so good. We’ve checked out of our hotel. Today ends the short trip in this country. We had our breakfast at the first restaurant we went to gere which was Tailing Pling if I’m not mistaken, then we also looked for a few items. They wanted to go back to that one blindbox store. Onour ride to the airport, I invented this new invisible phone game with my baby brother. It was so lame that it was actually funny. We had Burger King before the flight and I read a book in the plane. I had a hard time sleeping but the plane ride’s duration was bareable.
People seem to lack a sense of personal space. One particularly common scenario that displays this is when we're standing in lines. I can't stand it when people push. We're all heading in the same direction, so what's with the rush? I understand that some people might be pressed for time, but that's different. Pushing isn't exactly appropriate when you're waiting in the same line with the same purpose as everyone else. Take, for instance, finding your seat on a plane. Seats are assigned, no one's going to steal yours, and we're all departing at the same time. So, why the need to push? The same goes for lines in canteens. You can't hurry up the waiting process; there's a reason we're in line. You can't wait faster because that's the whole point of waiting. Why do people feel the urge to push? It's one of my biggest pet peeves. Our first stop of the day was the Grand Palace, but it was so packed and there was no air circulation. After getting tickets, we entered and took pictures, while my baby brother was throwing temper tantrums. Eventually, we gave up on today’s itinerary. We were supposed to visit a bunch of temples, but we discarded all those plans for very obvious reasons. It was either that or face unbearable heat (death), so it was an easy decision. Our driver did show us one temple that wasn’t as packed. We checked it out at the entrance, then went back to the car. I’m pretty sure the temperature felt like, if not literally was, 40 degrees Celsius. So the day was spent indoors. I’m not complaining. I love malls. But before going around, we had to eat. I had the best Wagyu I’ve ever tasted. I can’t exactly verify that review since it was my first meal of the day after going through a near-death experience. A bit too dramatic, but I genuinely felt like I was evaporating into thin air. It was so hot. Shortly after, we went shopping. I actually visited two Sephoras. But I didn’t really get anything except for an item for myself and two more for my friends’ overdue birthday gifts. We walked around some more. They bought stuff, I followed, I showed them directions to certain shops they wanted to check out, and that was basically our day. My baby brother wanted to get tickets for the Sea Life Bangkok Ocean World thing, but when we got there, it was already closing down. He was so sad. I mean, it must’ve been a horrible day for him. Earlier at the Grand Palace, I taught him the lesson of regret - how he can’t do anything about not doing something in the past. Basically, I was showing him some gold statues that I found pretty interesting. Those in which he paid little attention to when we were there. Once once we passed them, he begged to see them. It wasn’t his fault since our mom forbid him to go with me, but he did previously get permission, so he took that as betrayal. He was crying so much. Then I lectured him over how it’s all too late and he can cry all he wants, but he can never take back the experience that he lost and all that. We had our dinner at that Nara place we always pass by. For the first time, I saw the insides of an escalator, then we went back to our hotel. I actually had another fight with my baby brother. He was sulking (and sobbing) because I told him I didn’t trust him anymore. He’s a very sensitive person. I felt so bad. But he has to learn his lesson one way or another.
Got myself ready before 8:30 AM. We arranged for service last night and we have a couple of things planned out. It’s leaning more towards tourist spots and activities since it’s my aunt and cousin’s first time here in Thailand. I think it’s my 4th time already. We had an hour-long ride to the floating market. Then once there, the boat ride tour for the floating market package itself took us around two hours. We also visited the coconut sugar farm and temple inside. The person driving our boat was doing fast runs. It felt nice. I have no idea why I sound like I'm objectively describing my day but, continuing on. We ate at a nearby restaurant. I feel like whenever the weather’s hot, everyone gets too aggravated. I like to calm everyone down. I speak softer and remind them to chill out. Joining in with the heat of the weather wouldn’t really change it. But this also applies to things that aren't just weather-related. People should learn how to make decisions calmly. I am very epic. My memory is actually so easily accessible. I’m saying this because of how good I am with plate numbers too. It’s not an intentional thing too. We went to the elephant riding thing again which I quickly passed up on. Again, I can't really support animal cruelty. Sue me. The ride back to the city took a while. It was a good thing since I needed to cool my head. I slept the whole time. I even had to shift positions halfway through because I was getting pretty stiff in my previous one. I mean, the ability to fall asleep even in weird positions can be convenient, but god do they hurt. We decided to visit Chatuchak too. Apparently, it was going to close down for tomorrow because of a holiday, so we kind of had to visit now. So we bought a few items. I didn’t get that much. I got like 2 heart necklaces for me and Sirko and a phone case. It was a very exhausting day. I blame the weather for it. Returning back, we dropped off our stuff and went back to the mall to try out this Thai restaurant. We also shopped some more and I even got to go to my absolute favorite place ever. The bear section of the toys and stationery floor. Almost half of the stuffed toys in my bed are from here. They have so many cute little clothes and accessories for the stuffed toys too. It’s the most adorable thing ever. I love my children so much. Moments after, they went grocery shopping and while waiting, I got myself a donut.
I am proofreading my blogs on my phone and I have way too many typos and words I forget to delete. My bad. I swear I'm smart. At least I figured out that I can actually edit my blog using my phone. This discovery would’ve been handy some time ago.
No singular train of thought inside my head. It is way too early to be thinking. Well, in all honesty, I can think of one thing. Just one, and that I will not be disclosing. I found myself in the airport lounge a little while after waking up. Quick observation: I feel like I do things in a very unorthodox manner. That might stem from my behavioral germaphobia. This seriously goes way back, but I've managed to find myself ways around it. I'm not diagnosed, but all my friends know of it and are all very accommodating of this quirk I have. I slept through my whole flight. I'm back in Thailand. Bangkok, specifically. We're staying at the same hotel we've been to 2 years ago. This is like one of my top-ranked ones. I think. It's almost up to par (but still not quite) with the one we stayed at in Dubai and Hawaii. We had a suite so that's convenient. I even had an encounter where a staff brought (pushed) us to the backrooms because apparently, the king was either staying or passing by. But he was at the hotel for sure. Everyone was in a state of panic. We genuinely had no idea what was happening. The king in Thailand is kind of a big thing. His face is plastered everywhere after all. I heard someone took pictures of him in another country and that dude got sentenced for over 25 years in prison. There's this golf cart chaperone service thing that does rounds from our hotel to Siam Paragon. It's like a minute ride. It's that close. Literally the best thing ever. I somehow still have the places memorized. If it's not already stored in my brain, it takes me like a single glance at any location and I can immediately locate it. Whenever I'm traveling, they always compliment my big brain. Anyway, we went to the mall and took in the area. We ate at the Gourmet Eats food hall area then went back to the hotel. We rested since we had just got here. Then we visited the Jodd Fair thing. It was pretty cool. It was like a night/food market area. But it was so incredibly hot. It felt like we were inside an oven. Even the draft of the air was like burning. So our little trip there didn't last long. We had no choice but to go back to the hotel. It was pretty late anyway. My baby brother was so funny. So for some background information, our hotel has this AI system and it's basically like an Alexa. My baby brother talked to it the whole night.
When I was finally left alone, I started sobbing. I saw something and it broke me down. I opened up (I know, wow) to Brie and she helped me with a few things.
As it has completely skewed my view on romance, I am claiming my spot as Love, Rosie's biggest hater. I vowed to Sirko that I'd never watch One Day, rumored to be worse that theLove, Rosie. But what do I have to lose? The hopeless romantic happily ever after pipeline is way too unrealistic. At least my chances of experiencing that have already gone down the drain. So I've shifted a few things in mindset and will now rely less on hope and more on what I see at face value. It might be simpler this way. So yeah, I'm watching One Day.
Have you ever had a kid pulling multiple double takes on you? Her eyes were like stuck on me for a while. Isn't that cool?
I have a quiz first period, and I'm about to miss it. I overslept, and it was not intentional this time. My alarm clock didn’t work. I made it 30 minutes past the first hour of the class and still somehow made it in time just before the quiz started. In fact, there was enough allowance for me to rest and catch my breath. After that, I was out. Like, passed out. I think I got a perfect score. But I slept for 2 more classes, and literally nobody woke me up. I managed to sleep through even one of the strict teachers. She didn't seem to mind. I’m literally Karma from Assassination Classroom. For our theology class, we were tasked to draw our birth saints. My birthday is on 6th of December. I got St. Nicholas, lucky because I literally wrote a play about him 2 months ago. I drew a realistic portrait of him for about 5 minutes, wrote up some facts, and I submitted. I was the first one to finish, and I used the rest to sleep some more. During our English class, we were partnered up to dissect and annotate a given song lyric. We were given a text-oriented approach interpretation for some song I didn't know, which we traded up for a context-oriented approach interpretation of Olivia’s "Can't Catch Me Now." I was pretty quiet today. It rose up a couple of questions. Like why was I quiet? Was something wrong? People genuinely believed I was acting out of character. I honestly don't know the reason for my silence either. Leaving school, I was picked up by my Japanese extension of the family waiting inside the car. They're my absolute favorite. We went to the mall and bought a couple of items, then we ate lunch. We shared and exchanged fun stories. The waiting time for the food was pretty long, but we were having a good time, and time eventually went by. When I got home, they (the rest of my family) talked until midnight while I kept my baby brother company. We played his favorite game on my PC, Subnautica. I also introduced him to midnight snacks and made him try peanut butter for the first time. I have to pass on the sibling midnight snacks tradition somehow. It’s kinda sad though. I don't want to experience having my last meal with my siblings. I’ll for sure visit our house often even when I’m in college. While he had that, I made myself a full meal. I was hungry, okay? Then before going to sleep, I watched an episode of Mashle and packed my things as I do have a flight tomorrow.
I skipped my first class today. We didn't really have that much workload. We had an essay contest and another essay activity back to back. The rest of the day was spent on filming for our music video, which was quite the challenge. Our filming location was incredibly muddy, and we even had to improvise to create artificial rain. It's turning out pretty well so far. During our last class, I struggled against the ever-persistent sleepiness that haunts me daily. I'm noticing that I actually receive compliments almost every day. I'm very flattered and grateful for that. But also, I do a lot of stupid things and receive pretty hurtful (hurtful as a sensitive person) feedback in return. I can't exactly evaluate my overall mood today. After classes, I walked home with Skylar and some other acquaintances. I also had my orthodontist appointment, so I had to get that over with quickly before returning home.
It's February 22, which means it's Sirko's 18th birthday. I waited until her timezone’s 12 AM to greet her, just like she did for me on my birthday. We called an hour prior to that and almost missed the countdown. Good thing I made sure to set my alarm. Our word of the day is "ugly," but I won't provide any context. Our phrase of the day is "it’s not that deep," because it never is. I think we’ve both simultaneously entered the phase where we’re prioritizing the best option in a current situation at all times with little regard to what will happen in the future or what has happened in the past. I mean, if we don’t live now then when will we? I like to believe that we have pretty well-thought-out paths, and as long as we know our goal, we can lower the chances of getting lost in life. We talked about how people have been mean to us, but somehow it doesn't bother us as much anymore, unlike how it would have a year ago. We also talked about our fumbles, her fumble most specifically. She made the biggest fumbles in the history of all fumbles. I was literally devastated when I heard the story. Her fumble broke me more than my breakup. We had to end the call sooner or later since she had classes tomorrow. I was home alone for the rest of the evening. I did an hour of slow-paced and interrupted studying. It might not be enough, but I'm hopeful it'll suffice for a perfect score. Hoping I don't forget anything.
I've been liking vegetables. I look for them in all my meals now. My cousin from Japan got me a haul of stuffed toys, which was adorable. With a day off from school, I was free to do whatever I wanted. It was great, but I found myself feeling too anxious to partake in any of my usual hobbies. I felt like I'd run out of time. Instead, I spent those free hours writing in my blog and playing with my baby brother. After a while, my parents invited me to join them out. My dad was going to an art auction and my mom just wanted to shop. I couldn’t not tag along. We went there and grabbed lunch first. I had carbonara. Then, we went our separate ways. One thing that I noticed was that every clothing store ever is falling off. Everything is actually so lame. I didn’t end up buying anything besides that one multipen from Muji, which I always get when I see it. I study so much that I find myself running out of ink frequently. After an hour of walking around, my mom and I were done. We waited in a coffee shop, where I got myself a chocolate pecan bar that turned out to be way too sweet for me.
Whenever I have any free time, regardless of when it happens to come up, I have this tendency to surf the internet for blogs. With that, I’ve been finding a bunch of cool websites that actually have a pretty great community. Some of those being: Listography, Dreamwidth, and Heyspace. I honestly want to join all of them, but I’ll see.
I swear I have clairvoyance in my dreams. This has been happening for quite a decent amount of time now, but I always dream about fixing a future problem. So, a problem I’d encounter a few hours into the future, I have this recognition of how to solve it because I already dreamt about it. Pretty cool, right?
I got to school before my first class had started, but our classroom was empty. I called our class president, but his phone was off. I called Skylar, and he wasn’t even in school. He was called for an interview for his top pick college. I’m proud of him. He did tell me to look for the rest of the class in other parts of the campus because he figured they’d be filming. They were. Thanks for that. We filmed for a bit and all collectively went back to our classroom just before our first class. We had our lectures, then the quiz I missed literally a month ago was moved yet again. Had another free subject we used for filming then I slept for my research class hour. I combined 2 chairs and turned them into a makeshift bed. I joined Brie during lunchtime, and her friend was with us too. I accompanied them while they conducted their observation study for a research paper and talked about some gossip.
I've been pretty loud lately. It might be because of how loud my thoughts have been too. There's a parallel increase between my external volume and the intensity of my internal dialogue. There's this huge amount of sadness waiting to wash over me at any given moment, and it’s scaring me.
I got home and played hide and seek with my baby brother. I cleaned myself up, did my blog, slept, then got accused. More context on that, I was defending my case for over an hour. They were 100% just poking fun at me, but that was very exhausting. I did a cover with piano accompaniment of "Want You Back" by Maisie Peters too. I wasted most of my time with that. I have a submission deadline at 11:59 PM for the business proposal in our class, and I just finished creating a concept design blueprint and putting together a BMC narrative. I clutched it.
I arrived at a conclusion about a few things. I might be even lower than what I thought was my lowest point. I’m experiencing a different kind of pain. One that confirms that everything leads back to me. I was talking to this dude, but I was just not having it.
I want to call you, but I have nothing left to tell you.
I know that so so well, but the impulse to contact you was so strong. As per my unwritten instruction manual, I referred back to your February 1 journal entry. It’s the only closure I’ll ever need.
I never knew how to love. Telling you that directly doesn’t change the fact that I was horrible at it. Being aware of my faults never compensated for how you must’ve felt when you were with me. Because you never deserved that and I’m nothing more but sorry.
I guess I’m crying because I’m piecing together that to let someone love me would be unkind. I will never put someone in that position ever again.
It’s a hard thing to accept. But deep down, I always knew. I’ve always known.
I got out of bed like a normal person today. Considering that I was up until very late last night, I do not feel the side effects of it. My body didn't feel weighed down, nor did it have a hard time picking itself up. The only evidence of my lack of sleep last night was the deep bags under my eyes. My tongue hurts. My brother once shared with me a fun fact about tongues. He explained that under certain circumstances, the tongue could be bitten off if not for the subconscious inhibitory mechanisms and sensory feedback loops that prevent it. I live in constant fear of this. Yesterday I encountered a close call. I was eating too fast and accidentally bit too hard. Now there’s a cut under my tongue that’s reminding me of my own stupidity.
I got to school late because what should’ve been a 5-minute drive turned into a 50-minute one due to the incredibly slow traffic. My first class set me off so early in the morning. My teacher was like throwing shady comments at me. I stared at the floor and just felt disappointment. It was hypocritical because she was explaining how in a workplace, it’s not ethical to spread rumors and bring down other people by calling them out in public. Then she gave an example of what not to do by pulling me down the ropes. I didn’t mind it as much. I’m not the type of person you can get a reaction out of. I don’t know what her deal is honestly.
Skylar has been helping me with the aftermaths of my recent breakup. Today, he suggested that I live life a little and play with this one dude he’s been setting me up with. Unfortunately, I had to pass up on that offer. I don’t plan on making any good guys bad in this lifetime. I’ve watched Megamind. I’d rather heal organically. Hard, but bearable. I’ve been doing so well. After that, I pestered Skylar for like a solid minute with a request. He politely declined and apparently I was very expressive with my response. He asked me why I was sulking and laughed at me. Rhett messaged me and Skylar about the consequences of his actions. An action I am also guilty of repeatedly committing. After submitting the confirmation of seeing the notices of written warnings he has gotten, he was given community service. He told me to just not submit mine so they’d forget about it eventually.
I watched Anyone But You with Ria. The movie made me feel like I was so in love. I thought I’d lost the part of me that has always been a hopeless romantic. I think it disappeared when I figured I wasn’t the exception. I was so careful with love. I actually believed that I’d marry my first in everything. Thank the books and movies for that. Instead, I’m repeating the whole plot of the worst movie I’ve ever watched. Love, Rosie. If there are no Love, Rosie haters to exist, then that would mean that I’m dead. I hated how they miscommunicated, I hated how they kept on missing each other by a strand of hair, I hated how the slowburn wasn’t worth it, I hated the wasted time, and I hated that they ruined each other’s lives. But back to the current movie I was watching with Ria, it was so good that I was blushing and tearing up. It was so good. The only thing I didn’t like was when I saw Jonathan (my baby) kissing Margaret (I hate her).
For the first time ever, I experienced a wedding fever. I wanted to get married. I know I have a long history of loathing marriages, but it’s different now. I really want to marry. It’s unlikely that it would happen with me, but I want it. Isn’t it interesting that someone so against marriage with over a gazillion arguments on why marriage sucks is now planning her own marriage? I planned out my wedding with Ria and later, with Anthony. It’s perfect. Around 3 AM, I studied (I’ve been procrastinating). Then I sobbed myself to sleep because I was so incredibly tired.
AAfter spending an extensive and tedious amount of time transferring my drafts from Google Docs to Neocities, I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and say that I'm done. Despite having assignments due today, they remain on hold, and honestly, can you really blame me? My blog is very high up on my priorities. My eyes are hurting. I don't think I can afford taking a nap right at this very moment though. I had a bunch of snacks today so that's one thing I'm grateful for. I had this vague dream about a person. He was apologizing. He was repeatedly telling me how he hadn't always been there for me. Weird. I found this website called Status.cafe. I'm trying to register for an account, and there seems to be a bit of a waiting period, so I'm patiently waiting. I love the community so much, and I've already discovered many people who do daily blogs like me! It's so exciting. I can't wait to get verified.
As time passed by, I was met with the limited option of having to decide for the future ahead of me. It was to either do my homework or fail. I did both the overdue work in less than no time. I got on the phone with a friend and we kept each other company. We both agreed on doing the homework together. But we ended up procrastinating mutually and putting it off until the very last minute of the day. We had to make a movie poster for the narrative of our life. After that, I made him a deal and managed to make him help me with my Business Model Canvas. See, the submission was supposedly today, but there was just no way I’m making it.
Uploading the drafts I had in my Google Docs took a lot longer than I had anticipated. I spent almost the entire day transferring and proofreading almost two and a half months' worth of blog entries. I had two assignments I didn’t get to do because I really badly wanted to finally catch up with my blog entries this very day. Around midnight, my classmate called me to help them with the concept paper for our music video. I briefly made a storyboard for that and wrote again in my no-contact notebook. I think I stopped writing in it about two weeks ago, possibly. I actually filled it up more than halfway through the last time I regularly wrote in it. Literally just 2 weeks into the breakup and I already filled up an entire notebook. I figured I should write on it now so when the 20th comes, which marks an official month of our breakup, I’d be done with the notebook. I’d stop writing about you so often in my online blog too. I’ve been doing so well. I mean, you’re a thought that still relentlessly lingers around my head in every decision I make even up until now. But I’m not acting on it. I’m trying my best to convince myself that this is for the better. I haven't cried at all this week. I’m doing okay. I stayed up late today. I watched "Anyone But You" with Ria. I was literally pacing and jumping around my room at some scenes. It was so good. We didn’t get to finish it because Ria was falling asleep. I can't wait to watch the rest of it.
I’m resuming my mech studies. I’m not the best at it yet, but it’s decent enough. I still need to expand the mech library in my brain so I can freehand them eventually. I spent some time with that for a while, then wrote summary notes for my philosophy class. I don’t know what to expect with the tests we’ll probably have soon, and it’s freaking me out. The discussions have been too vague, and there isn’t an exact formula for the answers. I reckon they’re too subjective to be answered objectively. Other than that, I spent every free second of this day writing my blog entries. It went well. I’m all caught up, with a few exceptions on some dates that I find too difficult to write. The ones in the drafts I’m leaving out are actually almost done; they just need a bit of polishing. But I can’t exactly find it in myself to touch those entries yet. With that being said, I should be able to upload all my blog entries by tomorrow. Hopefully.
I had an appointment for my monthly girl maintenance thing today. It was a quick errand. I bought a new piece of clothing while I was at it too. After that, I blog surfed for a decent amount of time. I came across this website called Write.as, and I’ve been devastated over this one user’s daily logs and updates since. He was wishing his son a happy birthday while apologizing for being a semi-absent and not enough father. His son is currently 4, and the fact that he probably will never be able to read what his father wrote on this website is killing me. I also now have newfound resentment over people whose names start with E. The E’s in the blogs I’ve been reading have been going around and breaking everyone’s heart. So horrible.
I was actually supposed to be in prison today for a school program, but my parents didn’t allow me. I’m having a good time at home though so I don’t really mind it as much.
Before I went to sleep, I found myself drawing this dude I have a crush on. This is a direct reference to my blog entry from November 26, 2023.
I wore a bow on my hair today. It’s been a while. I received another notice for my absences. Yikes. I had school today. I had to do more directing and work on more product pitches. We still haven’t gotten anything approved yet. I don’t feel so well. Not in a physically worn-out way, but in a very uneasy way that something feels wrong. There’s this inside joke about hangers in class going around at the moment, and I decided to join in. As a joke, I offered yet another hanger pitch, and it was funny at first, until I think I might’ve annoyed the know-it-all in class. See, this joke actually got chosen to be put forward for submission. We had a show of hands, and those who were serious with their product designs didn’t exactly get chosen. To be fair, the know-it-all’s idea has already been done, like that eco project about reusable paper. As a stationery enthusiast, I know for sure that it’s already existing in the market. But I can’t help but think, in every vote, I always win by a landslide. I know I maintain a very likable character in social settings, but is that affecting the voters’ decisions that much? I asked my friends if the product I made up as a joke was really all that, and they all agreed it was good. In complete honesty, I do think mine was better. It’s just that I didn’t even try, and even I know I can do much more. Skylar likes to remind me every day that people actually like me and I don’t need to act like I’m hated by the world. That’s good to know at least. I was in charge of the aux in class for all our free times. I got another perfect score on my literature test. After dismissal, I had to wait for my baby brother, and I had just about the worst car experience ever. It was so hot, and since I didn’t have a shirt under my hoodie, I was forced to suffer under the intense heat rays of the sun. When I got home, I immediately passed out. I had a nightmare. It was horrible. I didn’t have homework, so I spent the rest of my night studying machine parts for my mech drawings.
Happy Valentine's Day! Despite my yearly snide remarks about Valentine's Day being a commercial holiday, I still participate in the consumerism of items with hearts in them. I can't help it; I have a soft spot for Valentine's Day. My favorite book as a child was about Cupid and Death having a switcheroo. That, and my favorite pastime was watching compilations of Ever After High's C.A. Cupid (especially the whole third-wheel thing with Dexter and Raven). I wish I had someone to address a letter to so I could sign it off with "from your Valentine." To commemorate some dude I couldn't care less about, who was beheaded by some grumpy emperor (totally Claudius) in the 3rd century, just for historic accuracy's sake. He deserves recognition, okay?
I came to school wearing white, unaware of the color policies for today. Apparently, the color of your shirt corresponds to your relationship status. Luckily, I wore a color that didn't have any cringe-worthy meaning. It was a very chaotic day. We didn't really have any classes; everyone's classroom doors were open. I remember seeing some people wearing those "I love my girlfriend" T-shirts too. There were a few confessions (and rejections) that I witnessed, and of course, there were traces of petals everywhere.
The only academic-related thing I had to do for today was to come up with yet another product pitch and take the floor to explain the flow of the music video our class is collaborating on. I went around and gave chocolates to my friends, and received some too. I remember that in one of the classrooms I went to, the teacher full-on flexed on how smart I was. Ego boost. I gave the flowers I arranged for Ria and Brie, and we hung out for lunchtime. There was another lunch concert being hosted, and we stayed there for a while. The band playing was foul for the song they played. Lane and another friend also joined us. I bought flowers for my baby brother. Earlier this morning, on our way to school, he asked for green flowers (there are no green flowers that I know of), so he changed it to yellow. And I got him those.
I skipped club and joined the school’s dance team instead. I just watched them practicing and sat at a corner with a few of my other friends. I guess I just preferred their club’s location. Right before I was about to leave school, I received a cookie. Why am I separating this from the other chocolates I got? I wonder. No but actually, I hate rejecting nice guys. He’s a good-looking guy too. But I really am not interested at the moment. I got home, gave my baby brother his flowers; which he then gave to mom (it was so cute), studied for a Literature test I have tomorrow, then wrote a poem themed around Pride and Prejudice for homework.
It's Skylar’s birthday. I spent a decent amount of time looking for pictures and memories we had together so I could post them for an Instagram story greeting. I went to school, and again, did absolutely nothing. Skylar did tell me something worth noting. He mentioned how people would greet him online but walk past him in the halls, and it was stupid. That same concept applies to a lot of things. While the online disinhibition effect might not be the main culprit, especially considering there's no anonymity in personal messages, it does hint at a much simpler problem: the evident decline in actual human connection. I don’t mean this in a shallow way. It’s just that I’ve noticed a pattern in how often people just go on their phones whenever they’re interacting with anyone. And I don't mean to sound overly dramatic about it, but it's a daily observation that weighs on my mind. It’s something that irks me constantly. But I do understand that it's not entirely their fault. I’m downplaying it with how I’m expressing my disappointment right now, but I do find the disconnection in everyone very concerning.
School went by pretty quickly. We had discussions about finance, I made concept frames for the music video, then we had PE (lots of running). Also, Skylar is trying to set me up with this dude. I said something very out of pocket in return. The dude is actually pretty cool. I’m just not looking for anything right now.
After school, I had Galentines with Ria. We went to the mall and stopped by the grocery to buy some chocolates, ribbons, and flowers too. I got very specific with the items I bought. I only had one thing in my mind (my ex, obviously). Is it bad that I was buying his favorites with the full intent of giving them to someone else? Probably. I really only have two friends, so it wasn’t that hard. From there on, we decided to fill our stomachs up and had a feast. I ate pretty quickly. We talked and saw Lane passing us by. Yes, she’s a returning character. We actually made up and had Galentines together. She admitted her dumb decisions from when she was in a very unhealthy relationship. What can I say, I am never wrong. I had so much fun. I love my friends so much.
I got home, emptied my pockets, worked out, then slept. The usual. Fast forward to midnight, I was rereading some of my old conversations with my ex (and his letters too), as one does, I know, how stereotypical. But it's different. I wasn’t sad about it. I didn't cry. I just read it with genuine awe and a smile on my face. Like all that really happened and I’m convinced it was real. Maybe I was too late, but maybe it was just never meant to happen. Nonetheless, each moment I spent with him will always be held in high regard. Okay, I should probably confess that I’m writing all this still wearing his hoodie and boxers. I don’t think it’s a crime to miss your ex. I’m literally just grateful that we had something special even for a short amount of time. I arranged the flowers I got for my friends and paired them with the chocolates I got. I was listening to "Don't Think it Over" from the "Invitation to Her’s" album. I’m excited for Valentine's tomorrow.
But I’m all good out here. I have been listening to "American Teenager" (Gracie Abram’s cover) on repeat for quite a while now, but today, there was not a single second wasted where I didn’t have that song in the background. I’m turning my “do not disturb” settings back on. If you’re caught up with my blogs, you can take a wild guess as to why it’s been off for a while. I’m starting to enjoy my own company again. My circumstances have not been that kind to me, but I’m learning some ways and tricks around it. Today was great. Our first class was basically Shark Tank if it were in a school setting. We were asked to submit pitches for innovative products. The only flaw with this is that ideas aren't usually conjured on the spot out of thin air. There was definitely some pressure. Needless to say, I made very few contributions. My mind was elsewhere. I was drafting my own product proposal. It's called the Lifespan: A locket designed to assist you in case you're met with moments of peril. In an unpredictable world, you'll never know when the next life-threatening event will occur. In fact, right at this very moment, you are in danger. The locket has three main components, each with varying assembly options. It contains a Morse code functionality that can be integrated into the necklace chain, an accordion-style paper within the locket, or a folded paper insert. When you get kidnapped, trust me, you're gonna need this. Next, the locket itself covers double as a dropper, with the extruded chosen design (could be a heart, a star, or whatever shape you want) housing a concealed cyanide compartment. Lastly, with more room for other upcoming features, a detachable mini knife which is a practical tool for hundreds of situations, like cutting ropes, leaving behind DNA traces, and much more. I also took it upon myself to create demand, which translates to hiring assassins and kidnappers to track you down until you buy a Lifespan.
My outfit of the day received a lot of compliments. The only thing I wore was a pretty basic long-sleeve top and low-waisted pants. There was nothing special or new about it. For our research class, we had to conduct a room-to-room survey. However, our classroom-hopping activity turned into a recruitment for people who want to cut classes. I was with Rhett and Skylar. It’s been a while since we’ve last hung out. I remember back in 8th grade, we had this strict rule where we couldn't stay inside our classrooms during lunchtime. There'd be this group of people who were basically hallway monitors but a lot more serious with their jobs. We used to purposely go to where they were and run from them, even hide in bathroom stalls, all just for the thrill of it. I mean, the last time I was out with them was when we went doorbell ditching. I miss having friends. I’m glad that of all changing things, they’re the few that I can confidently say will never change. I was genuinely happy with them. Anyway, I got another perfect score in theology test. On my way home, I did catch someone taking a sneaky picture of me. I have no idea who he is and that was definitely weird. And no, this isn’t a baseless claim. Like I actually caught him. I eventually got home and watched the direct movie sequel for Fullmetal Alchemist (2003). It wasn’t the best, but I guess the ending salvaged it enough for me not to rate it the lowest possible rating. I worked out, slept, showered, then ended my day.
Skylar asked me for some advice today. The world is returning to its balance.
Breakfast was nice. It’s been a while since I’ve last seen a bird fly through my windows. Have I ever even witnessed it? I like to think that I have. It’s finding its way through my memories. I hope my memory of that isn’t a fluke. I think it’s funny. They look dumb, but it’s not their fault they can't conceptualize windows. I finished Fullmetal Alchemist (2003) today. Needless to say, I definitely enjoyed the series. I had a few moments where I felt the ratings were threatened, but the plot quickly resolved those. The ending was satisfying enough. The reviews I previously read comparing this anime with its remake are obstructing my opinion about this series as a whole. Still, I rated it a 9 on MAL. That’s high for someone like me. I had a couple of naps distributed throughout the day. I still have that lingering sleepiness from my restless days. It feels heavy on the chest. A very relentless fatigue. I studied a bit too. I only had a total of 2 hours worth of focused studying. I took a bunch of breaks in between. I procrastinated a lot. For one, I decided to do my Valentine's nails. That took me way more time than I allotted for my studies. But I’m not that worried. Somehow, I’ve managed to be a lot more efficient with how I study. I found the limit of this obsessive need to memorize everything by heart and where I can say that I’ve memorized the whole topic enough to get a perfect grade. It was never that deep. But I am thankful that I had those hours of endless study sessions back then. At least I can confidently say that I have the discipline for it.
I feel stupid. I cried myself to sleep again. I reread a couple of old conversations I had with my ex and I couldn’t help but start sobbing. I was barely catching my breath. I had a hard time supplying my system with enough oxygen. Isn’t that weird? Maybe I did mean it when I used to tell him that I needed him. It’s okay, I’ll get over it.
I can’t find a resolution. I don’t even know what my problem is, but it's another day of feeling uneasy. I left my ex a message last night, as I do almost every single day. But the difference is that I left this last one overnight. Much to say is that when I woke up, it remained unacknowledged. I’m not just testing my luck anymore; I’m forcing something that might as well be as good as never happening. The purple in my hair is not purple enough. I got my hair dye and made it more saturated the first thing in the morning. My hands are purple. I'm still fully immersed in watching my anime of the week, Fullmetal Alchemist (2003), and I've read some of the reviews on MAL. They suggest that the grass is greener on the other side (2009 version). I actually already find this show really awesome as it is. The idea that something could be better than this is crazy to me. I can't evaluate the anime as a whole yet, but I'm already nearing the end of the series. Just a few more episodes to go. If there’s anything I do know about this anime, it’s that it’s causing me to jump around and literally scream into a pillow. I did some of my blog entries and called it a night. I was just resting the whole entire day. I’m gonna change a few things in my routine to get rid of this constant sleepiness soon. I’m starting to get myself back on track again.
In no particular order, these are the thoughts that are currently circulating around my mind. I’m gonna take it easy. I am taking it easy. I don’t want to come off too much. I hope I’m not too much. I’m trying my best not to reach out. I hate that I’m trying. I should know better. The risk of never talking to you ever again scares me each time we end our small talks. At some point today, I found myself stuck. Your scent lingered for a moment, and I refused to move. I don’t like that I’m losing you repeatedly throughout the day. Like when I have to leave Raccoon and Bird in bed because I actually have to get up. Or when I look for your messages but don’t ever find them.
You broke no contact. You wanted to see how I was. I’m right where you left me. You should’ve figured as much as that
I wake up uneasy day after day. You’re all I’ve dreamt about recently. I’m scrambling through my bed to find my phone, scared that I’ve forgotten to delete every message I sent you last night. I always make sure to send you one when I know you’re awake. I’m not going against all odds here; I’m testing out my luck in a likely situation. While everyone has already completed their daily tasks, I'm just getting up to kick-start mine. I did my routine, went on my phone (a habit I thought I had gotten rid of), then went downstairs for lunch. I spent the rest of the day watching Fullmetal Alchemist (2003). The rule I’m implementing for today is that for each episode I watch, there will be a 1:1 counterpart in my blog. It’s under the Law of Equivalent Exchange. I’m an alchemist now. I’m like Kirby whenever I’m watching an anime. I turn into what I watch or something. My brother is going home today. It’s been such a long time. My baby brother is waiting for him by the door. He wants to show him his new hiding spot, which he has turned into his little headquarters. When my brother did arrive, we actually had a hard time finding my baby brother. It was so funny. I had my daily afternoon sleep as if I didn’t just wake up. I watched more anime and did my blog entries to occupy the time. At the day's end, I met with my brother in the kitchen for the usual midnight snacks we have. Same old sibling routine. He cooked some noodles we always crave, then he made me wash my share of the dishes. All the while, he was telling me his college stories and how corrupt and horrible the world is.
My mistakes are haunting me. How do I make it stop? I slept at 3 AM hoping for something I’m not even quite sure of anymore.
Here’s my current situation: I have a test starting in a few minutes, and I have already missed my first class. I’m convinced that I can make it. I quickly got up, got ready within 30 minutes, then shut the car door beside me. I did make it. I took the Economics test, and I think I did pretty well. I’m expecting a perfect grade when the paper is returned. I mean, I noticed so many errors in the test that my teacher was forced to give us a bunch of bonus points. Is it a crime to be smart? I'm so sure of my mastery in this subject that I would have to question the test before I question myself. Besides, the labeling for the intercept and slope was wrong. It might be written differently (in economic terms) but it’s the same exact formula of the one we all know of. That itself was wrong; the other given numbers were absurdly wrong too. How can something be linear if the following number for it is greater than the one before? Anyone could spot that mistake from a mile away. I talk too much for someone who barely made it in time for the test. We had more lectures following that. I was too sleepy for the rest of it. We had our Literature class and had yet another activity. We were given this piece of paper where we had to write a popular literature and shift it from its original genre. My friend and I were manipulating everyone into making whatever they wrote down easier. When our teacher eventually shuffled and distributed it, we ended up getting a pretty hard one. If it isn’t karma knocking right at my door. I suffer the consequences of my own actions. After class, I went to my orthodontist and got my braces adjusted. I gained quite a few more weird contraptions in my mouth, and I just know it’s gonna hurt at night again. I saw my dental records too. I had forgotten that I started having braces when I was 12. I am 18 now. I never notice how fast time goes by. After that, I went to the mall since I promised my friends I’d hang out with them soon. I am a man of my words. I got there and bought myself some lunch. I absorbed the food in a quick second. I had to hurry since we still had to buy tickets for the movie we wanted to watch. We’re watching Mean Girls. I’m aware of the bad reviews, and as a theatre kid, I agree with them. But I’m not the type to judge a movie solely from a few nitpicked negative criticisms. We were the only people in the entire cinema. This actually happens a lot, but it’s cool to point out. My friends weren’t really watching, which was a disappointment. I’d see them going on their phones through my peripherals, and I couldn’t help but feel a very specific distress. I’ve been noticing this for a while now. How divided everyone’s attention is. I always make sure to never be on my phone whenever I’m out with someone. I find it disrespectful. With one person leaving right after the movie, I was left with the other. We took that time to walk around and have a chat. I was on a mission. I wanted a cake pop. Why are they so hard to find now? Ultimately, I had to resort to buying what’s second best: A donut. We also checked out the bookstore. It’s just fun to look at books. My parents picked me up, and I accompanied my mom on her trip to the grocery. When I finally got home, I washed my face then fell asleep.
I am crying again. Everything in me is refusing to process that this whole thing is for the better. Is it weird that I dream about you every day? I’m fighting the urge to call you again because it’s almost like second nature for me to call you in the middle of the night. I’m still waiting.
Unbearably boring classes. In my first class, a bunch of basic dictionary-able terms were explained in an overly complicated manner. No, like, seriously. That has been almost all of my classes recently. This is why we’re getting free time one after the other. We had robotics, and my teacher just sat beside me talking about my life while I was trying to code my robot. I had no idea what I was doing. I take no interest in the language we were using. The Leanbot Block editor was pretty dumb. Then, I had club and talked with some new characters. We were forced against our will to group with people we didn’t know. We were tasked with creating our own board game to be presented at the next meeting. There’s this one pretty girl in my group, and she gave us the starting concept of the game. It should be easy enough. After that, I went home, cleaned a bit, fell asleep, woke up, then ate dinner. I watched more Fullmetal Alchemist and spent the last hours of today studying. I tried using my whiteboard to substitute the notebook that I’ve been using to blurt out, and I think I might just prefer using the whiteboard a little more.
I might just be sensitive, but seeing how supportive my friends are is making me cry. Not just Sirko. You know that level of understanding that you’ll only have once you know a person enough to know how they operate? It’s when there’s a mutual understanding on how choices made in certain circumstances won’t change a good person. As much as I want to find this in a partner, I need to remind myself that I already have that kind of connection. I’m thanking Sirko, Skylar, and Rhett, specifically for that. I never had to explain myself. I can never be a villain around them. I have so much respect for them as they have for me.
The one singular class I had passed by like it never even happened. We had yet another mental health awareness seminar. Basically, a free pass to uninterrupted sleep for at least 2 hours. Except that I did get interrupted because they were pulling out dancers from that one event in January. They were hosting a pizza party. I mean, I’d take it. I only had a slice, but it was still fun. The difference between the seniors' area and the lower batches was insane. We were very disorganized; it's actually a shame. I met up with Brie and Ria shortly after. They only had 30 minutes of lunch. They ate in my room, and we played a bunch of Taylor’s songs. Just like 11th grade. We only have 2 hours of PE left, and then I can go home. We continued the recreational activities we had last week. We had this one game where we had to jump over cones and race to the other side, but we could be blocked by the other team. We basically had to play rock paper scissors for our position, and me being a prodigy, was the first one to completely pass through. I had over 7 challengers that all lost miserably. I am really good at rock paper scissors. I think I figured the trick out when I was a child having my daily unrestricted internet. You know that one "how to win rock paper scissors every time" video on YouTube? That was probably the same time I learned how to tie my shoes the fast way. I’ve always been a show-off. One of my classmates approached me today and had a conversation with me. I feel bad though because my attention was divided. I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone genuinely in quite a while. Except for Sirko, obviously. Anyway, the classmate that did approach me was pretty interesting. She was carrying the conversation. I am typically the one who’s always talking. She told me her whole long-distance situationship lore. This is all unsolicited. Even though I was faking my attentiveness (because I really couldn’t care less about anyone right now), I appreciate that she talked to me. To be fair, I’m always zoned out nowadays. I’m left behind pretty often too. Not in a “pity her way”, but in a “what is she on way”. I actually like being inside my own thoughts. I walked home with Brie again. She told me a couple more things I wish I didn’t know. That previous sentence is what I would say if I were stupid. I’m glad she told me. The only thing I can say about what I found out is that people, for sure, are lucky that I’m a private person. I think it’s great that people are already taking sides without hearing the other end of things. Not that I want to share anything. I hope everyone sleeps well at night. I hope you sleep well at night. Was I really that bad, or was I just hurting the same way you were?
I’m hugging Raccoon a little tighter tonight. I think I’m ready to accept that I love you, but only for a part of you that's no longer here. I'll search for it in every person I meet, knowing that I won't find it. Not even in you.
I can’t escape my classes forever. Not that they’re even bad, just very boring. Our classes are way too easy. We’re always given free time. It’s either that, or it’s a whole hour of fighting myself from dozing off. My seat is positioned directly where the air conditioner’s draft hits. I think that’s reason enough for me to be sleepy every second of the day. I received my grad pic today. My creative shot was kind of a disappointment. I was wearing my Anakin costume, and in the raw file of the picture, my lightsaber was prominently glowing. The printed version was different. Oh well, I guess it was still cool. We got a bunch of them which are usually traded around, but since I wasn’t there on the day of the actual distribution, I only got to trade my grad pic with Skylar (he was absent that day too). Me, Ria, and Brie finally got to spend lunch together again after such a long time. One of us is always absent. The time went by pretty quickly. Before going home, I filmed a TikTok with Skylar and that was it. Brie walked with me and we caught up on our recent lives. Since it was only a little past halfway through the day when I got home, I decided to watch another anime. I settled on Fullmetal Alchemist (2003). I’ve seen the reviews, how Brotherhood is way better than the original. But right now, with all that I know, this is definitely an anime worthy of a high rating. I’m fixing my hair. I’m dyeing some of the spots I missed from my redye yesterday. I wrote a bit on my blog then stayed up late. Part of me is still waiting for him. I’m making sure that I sleep just right when he wakes up. Just in case he changes his mind. I know that I shouldn’t be like this, but I’m letting myself learn. I heard from Brie how you made me out to be after the breakup. And still, I can’t get myself to villainize you. You’re still the best I’ll ever have because I understand that I hurt you. Nothing can take away how good we were when we were together. I don’t think I’ll ever get over your journal entry, but I’ve been using it as a daily reminder to leave you alone. I left physically, but every part of me stayed.
I’ve been playing the New York Times Connections game daily. I’m trying to occupy my unproductive hours. I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I sent you a bunch of text messages last night. Apparently, I deleted them before I fell asleep. I have no recollection of what even happened. I don’t want to make anything worse than it already is. I mean, should I even talk it out with you? Even though I never wanted this to end on a bad note, maybe it’s better that I leave it alone. Right? I need an instruction manual on this. I’m fighting the urge to go back to that desperate state. But I know it’s the last thing you want. You made it clear. This is probably gonna seem unattractive to you, but I prayed to God last night. I prayed I’d stop hurting and that you wouldn’t hold any grudge against me. I prayed that you find happiness. I haven’t prayed in 5 years. At least not seriously. Desperate people find faith, huh? Good to experience that. I managed to keep my mind off that for a bit. I journaled, I let it all out. Then I started my day. I watched the new season of Mashle today. Contrary to the haters, I loved it. I can’t wait for the next episode. I also redyed my hair purple. It looks so much better. I’ve been binge-watching the Beta Squad. More specifically, the 6v1 tournament thing. They make me laugh out loud. But in all that laughing, I can’t figure out why, but I feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes. I wish I’d stop feeling this horrible.
I dreamt of you again. The kind of dream I don’t want to wake up from. The first thing I did today was write in my no-contact journal, as I have been doing for the past week or so now. It was the last thing I did before sleeping too. I followed my normal routine. I finished rewatching Assassination Classroom (both seasons 1-2), and I really needed that. I finally found it in me to write to my dear future self for 2025! I wrote about you in my letter. I talked about meeting a boy and falling in love with him. You were the main highlight of my year. And I like that. I know that I’m a month late in writing this letter, but January was a very low point in my life. I’ve stopped crying. I haven’t cried in 3 whole days, and I think that’s progress! I’m doing okay. I did more blog entries as I did yesterday. I’m good. I’m finding contentment in doing my little tasks again.
This is gonna sound stupid… I wrote the whole entry above because I thought I had already concluded my day. I spoke too early (as I always do). I am not doing okay, and I just broke my no crying streak. I read your journal entry. I had a very elaborate reply that I’m choosing not to put out. For both our own peace of mind, I’m leaving it be. I’m surrendering even when I don’t want to. I don’t want to keep score of anything. Just know that I still love you. I never said anything bad about you post-breakup. I never saw you as the bad guy. I never forgot about what we went through, and I hope you didn't either. I know you dislike me as explicitly stated in your entry, but I don't. Not even time will make me dislike you. The memories we share are enough to never make me hate you. One thing though, what part of begging can feed an ego? You changed my mind the same way I changed yours. It goes both ways. I thought we ended pretty decently. I knew where you were coming from, and I did listen. I acknowledge your points since they did stem from me too. I wasn’t ignorant on that part. But maybe I was in thinking we were civil. For that, I’m sorry.
Continuing on with my day, I didn’t think I could cry anymore than I have. I consulted Skylar about it. I didn’t discuss details, but I did ask for some general advice. Like whether or not I should contact my ex and all that. I am very lost. I was sobbing the whole afternoon until it was eventually dark enough, and it was already past midnight. I was waiting for the person I should not be contacting to wake up. I fell asleep at around 4 AM. I was sending Sirko voice memos with the most heartbreaking voice you’ll ever hear from me. I was a mess. I don’t even want to be reminded of how pathetic (again) I was. I didn’t know that someone I still looked up to would have such mean things to say about me. And the worst part about this is that I get it.
It’s another restless night. I’m waking up in hourly increments with a new nightmare for each sleep. The sky is red. I am an hour late. I spent too long fixing my hair. My dad gave me a ride to school today. He’s asking about my ex. Yesterday, another family member asked how he was doing too. He haunts me in every room that I step in. And yet somehow, we’ll never be in the same room ever again. The irony in that. I only have one class today - financial management. It’s 2 hours long, and I already missed the first half of it. They had a book activity which I quickly answered. I sat beside Skylar since there was another sit-in student in our class. He let me copy his work. The remaining hour we had, we were given 15 minutes to read a chapter of our book. We were having recitation. I did so well. I participated for the hardest question after so many of the called-on students' failed attempts. That included the smart ones of the class. I got all the right terms in my very concise explanation. The answer wasn’t in the book so everyone struggled. After that, we had an orientation for this new program my school is proposing for us to partake in. The whole premise of it is for us to go to jail and have a close encounter with the convicted people. I doubt my parents would let me join. We weren’t allowed to, but I snuck out of school and went home early. I took my makeup off and slept for a few hours to make up for the sleep I lost last night. My baby brother is sick again. He was on the sofa adjacent to where I was sleeping. As promised, when I woke up, I did all my missing November blog entries for the entire day on my laptop. I’m actually so near to catching up.
Once again, I find myself fighting for my life. I am confined to my bed. The difficulty in getting out of bed increases every day. Don’t worry, I eventually found the strength to get up. I took my sweet time getting ready. I’m going to miss my first subject, but it’s really never that deep. When I got to school, I was met with the harsh reality of mathematics. I’m being dramatic, it really wasn’t that hard. It wasn’t even hard at all. The rest of the classes I had weren’t that memorable. I was cold the entire day, and that was about it. I guess I did enjoy our philosophy class. After school, since we had an early dismissal, I went to the mall with Ria. I had to run an errand. We were at the dog cafe, our usual spot. I ate carbonara, and she ate beef or something. I was blabbing a lot. I honestly don’t understand how I never run out of topics. That was until Ria, who had a designated Poppy Playtime play-through watching schedule, started being an iPad kid. We sat in silence for a bit. I was watching something else on my phone while eating too. It’s fun. Then I grabbed the things that I needed, and we just hung out. I bought myself coconut water then sat down to tell her about this pathological liar friend I had. One of these days, I’ll make an elaborate written lore about her, I swear. We went back to school since I still had to pick up my baby brother, and she had rehearsals. It was fun. I love hanging out with Ria, even though we literally spend all of our lunchtimes together. My baby brother stayed behind in class. I knew he did something again, but it wasn’t a bad thing. He approached me and started crying. Everyone in his class had a paper on their heads with a construction paper cat cut out. He held his. And the glue job, he referred to it as snot. He asked everyone why his cat was snotty. He was crying, so I had to hold my laughter. His cutting was also pretty messy. I felt bad. When we got to the car, he begged me to teach him how to cut and do math. He probably pitied himself. He asked why he couldn’t do both. It’s okay. I know he’ll be smart. No one in my family is dumb.
You probably have stopped reading my blog entries, but I unblocked you. I promised you that I’d always be there, no matter what. I chose myself for as long as I could (not that long, apparently). I knew that the urge to text you wasn’t going away if I didn’t force myself to. I know you’ve moved on, as indicated by your promise that as long as the number 7 is in your bio, you still think about me. Maybe in some distant time, we’d regain the contact we lost. But I promise our connection would remain the same. I’m still here.
I'm trying my best to make my days distinguishable from all others. I'll write about something new. I'll look up at the same constant sky and notice how the clouds are never the same. The formation and dissipation of clouds will always be continual; if needed, I'll document each new one. I cannot do this right now. My body is once again resisting leaving the bed. But I have school, so I had no choice but to get up. I grabbed a cookie from the kitchen before leaving the house. Nothing worth noting happened in school. I got home and helped my baby brother with math. Personally, I have never struggled in math, at least not in my early studies. I learned a few songs on the piano before calling it a day.
We had a surprise quiz and were given 10 minutes to study 2 chapters' worth of our book. I did well. I think I got a perfect score. The teacher we had in that class also slipped up and told me that a little bird is crushing on me. The person’s personal information was not disclosed. Our next class was philosophy, and the teacher was too out of it to teach, so he told us that he didn't have the voice for teaching and we could have free time. That’s cool. One of my classmates complimented the necklace I always wear only for me to say, “thanks, the other half of it is with my ex”. I don’t think I'll ever have it in me to take this off. During lunchtime, I made a list with Ria. We’re calling it the Aria 21 Thing To Do Before Graduation. I have so many great date ideas. At the top of my list, I want a science project date. Like the experiment kits for children. That or build a robot, but I doubt anyone would even be interested or have the skill set for that. Recently, I’ve been shopping for a lot of robot parts. I have so much free time now that I’m getting pretty overwhelmed with which hobby to pick up again. The last class we had was PE, and we did a bunch of recreational activities. Most included blindfolds, and it was actually pretty fun. In the last game, we played dodgeball. Our team was definitely rigged. In the first round, we were the ones throwing the ball. We had a system. I was kind of bad at it, so I was just passing the ball to my teammates. During the second part, where we had to be the ones dodging, we were way too OP. We had a goalkeeper in our group. He was catching the balls thrown one after the other that we ended up with infinite lives. Skylar was also good at catching the ball. Midway through the game, we were playing volleyball with the balls thrown because that’s how many lifesavers Skylar and the goalkeeper dude got for our group. The thing is, nobody was even hitting me. The audience was shouting like "hit Cy", but no one ever did. I think that was just favoritism. Everyone likes me again, and my grades are back up. There’s nothing threatening my academics, and I feel very light. I’m doing pretty well today. When we were dismissed, I picked my baby brother up from kindergarten and walked with him across the street to our car. We had takeout food, then I passed out as usual. Around 2 AM, I worked on a quick script for yet another presentation tomorrow.
I am incredibly depressed. My whole Gracie Abrams unreleased playlist is gone. All the podcasts are wiped from the face of Spotify. How am I gonna live now?
I didn't get any sleep last night because I was crying again. How is this so easy for him? I don't understand why I'm hurting this much. I want to understand. I went to school today, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to go back home and mope again. I don't want to do anything else except leave him a gazillion missed calls. I got another perfect score on our Economics test. Who am I supposed to share my accomplishments with now? In our next class, I was asked to write a script for a creative presentation about some quote by Cs Lewis about literature. Our teacher is very meticulous about her distribution of grades, but my group and I did well, and we were one of the few that got a perfect score. I’ve picked myself up, and I’m doing well in my academics again, but I still don’t feel good. I want him to tell me he’s proud of me. It’s like nothing and yet everything has changed all at the same time. When I got home, I taught my baby brother how to do addition. He’s a hard nut to crack. His attention span lasts for 10 seconds max. But the whole teaching part only lasted for a couple of minutes. I bribed him. So that caught his attention. My bribe was yet another sea creature he’s obsessed with. Before I got ready for bed, Wacky broke no contact. I wasn’t the same. I couldn’t talk to him the same way I used to. I’m not comfortable. I want to talk to him, but not the present him. I’ve yet to let my gears run, and this whole situation needs assessing soon. I’m not the busiest this week, which lifts some weight off of me. I’m pretty restless because of the whole (ex) boyfriend situation, so in any task that I do, I tend to get distracted and have a slower rate of completing them. I started reviewing around 11:50 PM for my Financial Management test tomorrow. I finished after like 10 minutes and called it a night. Once all distractions are removed, it hit me that I am getting breadcrumbed. You know, getting little bits of someone so they can keep you attached. It’s probably not his intention to make this harder, but it sure as hell gives that result. I feel pathetic.
My room is starting to smell nicer. I feel peaceful. Maybe it’s temporary, but I know I’m making progress. I’ve been sulking for a whole week. I skipped a week of school for being sad and sick at the same time. It took a huge toll on my system. I’m relearning how to respect myself. I’m better than this. I did a total of 4 hours worth of studying today. I spent the whole day studying, but I was mildly distracted. If you don't count the crying I did around 1 am, I actually didn't cry today. It still feels heavy, but I’m managing. I've also been writing in my no-contact journal. It hasn't even been a week, and I'm already halfway through the notebook. I really do have a lot to say. I’ve come up with a couple of conclusions today. They’re not all the best, and some were very hard pills to swallow. I can’t disclose them since they’re quite cynical, but I formulated reasoning that helps me find closure in this situation. I feel sorry for myself. How horrible. It was too early for me to claim that I didn't cry this day. I did right before I went to sleep. But at least I stopped myself from calling him.
The first thing I did in the morning was write in my no-contact journal. We (mostly me) have both broken no contact every day since we agreed to do it. It’s hard. You rejected my attempt to get back together with you. I sound so pathetic. It’s okay; I’ll only be this way for a while. One of these days, I won't have to beg anymore. I promise. I went through all kinds of sadness and grieving today. I cried harder when I asked him to block me. I cried more when I found a way to contact him, and he suggested we’d stay friends. I was going back and forth. I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve. I’m not thinking right anymore. But despite being in a very depressing state the whole day, I still managed to write my overdue blog entries, write Sirko the letter I’ve been meaning to write (which I gently placed in an envelope and wax-sealed with a stamp), and finish a paper I had to do for school. Attempting to sleep was hard. I was very consciously still waiting for him. I rang his phone a couple of times, but they went unanswered. I don’t know how else I’d describe this feeling, but I know for a fact that this is the most pathetic I’ve been. I’ll try my best to make this the last time.
I’ve been waking up earlier than usual. Probably a bit too early considering my odd tendency to stay up late every night. I have to go to the hospital today for a health check. As you may already know, I have been physically exhausted for the whole month. The night that exhaustion was given time for rest, I was met with unforeseeable circumstances that led me to the lowest point I've been in my entire life (maybe not my whole life). I got the flu shortly after my breakdown. I had to ask for a doctor’s note too since I’ve skipped a week’s worth of school. After that, I went home and just hung out with my baby brother. We’ve been spending a lot more time together since I’ve been staying home. Around lunchtime, I had to continue my hair appointment from yesterday. I’m dyeing half of my hair blue, the bottom half of it. I am turning into a manic pixie dream girl. It took more or less about 3 hours. The bleach burned, which was already expected. They asked me questions about previous box dye attempts, but I honestly don't remember anymore. I know I’ve tried it, but I’m not sure which year or if it had even grown out already. The results of the dye were very subtle. I’ll wait for it to lighten. It’s actually reasonable knowing it’s not exactly allowed in our school dress code. When I got home, I took a couple of pictures and then took a half-shower. I did a few of my blogs and fell asleep. I wanted to call the guy I’m supposed to be on no contact with, but he was already asleep. I’ll move on eventually. Just not now. I don’t think I can just yet.
I hate that I’m right when for once, I want to be proven wrong. Please tell me I made a mistake. Please tell me I’m predicting incorrectly. I hate that I intellectualize everything. I hate that I’m letting statistics and psychology win. I’m still a bit weak from the flu. I’m recovering well enough. I watched more Assassination Classroom, and it still never fails to keep my mind entertained. I read a few poems and daydreamed. I’m getting a haircut today. A big chop. I wanna dye it blue too. I’m not having an episode; I’m just trying to make myself feel better again. I’m finding my autonomy. My sense of self. So I booked an appointment. To pass the time, I followed my mom around the mall while she shopped. At times, I’d get too weak and just rest in some corner, then I’d go back to asking her weird questions again. I walked past Pancake House today. My eyes watered when I saw where we used to sit. I ate with my parents at the place he met my parents too. I looked for books too since books have always been where I found my comfort, and before I knew it, my long hair was cut short. I love it though. It looks good on me. And I’m saying this coming from someone who has had tons of bad haircuts before. Sadly, the salon was already closing down, so I had to wait until tomorrow so I can get it dyed.
I am on an early morning call with Sirko. We are catching up with our recent lives. Mine has been depressing so far, but she’s back to being happy again, and I am so glad. There are a lot of tests I’ve been missing. I need to actually study for them before I get back on my feet for school next week. I’ll leave that for future me. I talked to Brie again after a while. I think I had just reunlocked my character. I lost it for a second. I lost me for a second. The last time I talked to people, I was on the brink of collapsing. It was an honest hard time. I couldn’t really control how my words and actions seemed. I was no longer me. I mean, I was me but a depressed version. Like an even more depressed, 'it’s not funny' way. Right Where You Left Me has never failed to make me cry. I’ve been crying a lot more these past few days. It’s pretty sad, but it’s the only comfort I can get these days. I like its nature. My tears are keeping me company. At times like these, I really wish I had someone.
I have the flu. Safe to assume that the flu shots I’ve been taking almost yearly are not all that effective. My body is on the brink of collapsing. I need to be mindful of my limits. Or maybe I was; the heartbreak probably contributed enough to completely break me down. No, like scientifically, you do become weaker after a breakup. Today’s rotation circulated around sleeping and watching episodes of Assassination Classroom. I didn’t move a single muscle from the couch I resided on. My mom has been taking care of me, and I really appreciate it. She made me one of my favorites of hers, an egg sandwich. As I was doing some blog entries, she gave me another batch of food. I got strawberries! It’s been a while, but I finally got to catch up with Sirko on some recent events in our lives. My baby brother came home from school to tell me a story about how he saved a kid from a bully above his grade level. Apparently he saw some kid on the ground and started threatening the bully. Even as he left, he was throwing threats. I am trying to compensate for your absence. Do you notice it when I’m not around? I read a book that had a poem. I feel very empty. The poem is making me believe that I’ll never live through this.
Good morning. I woke up about an hour ago. It is currently 7 AM. My whole entire body feels heavy and stiff. My muscles feel very sore. I came across one of my favorite YouTubers that I haven't seen in a while. She helped me re-question my principles. About a little more than a month ago, I told Sirko that I knew I was cutting people off not for the sake of finding my peace, but just to cut them off. Am I avoiding all responsibilities? I have always been good in terms of knowing my boundaries. But at this point, I know I’m being unnecessarily excessive. I came across a snippet of one of Lana Blakely’s recent videos. I’m not sure if I’ve already mentioned her in my blog entries, but she has always been like the older sister I never had, a YouTuber I instinctively go to when I’m in need of some general advice. I haven’t been watching her videos as often as I used to, but whenever I do, she always kind of just brings me back to the ground. She mentioned that, and I quote, “Low-maintenance friends will turn into acquaintances.” I am in frequent contact with only a very limited number of people. I understand how busy and overwhelming life can get, and for quite some time, it’s been quite normal for me to take even more than 5 business days to reply. In turn, I don’t mind it when people take their time before replying to me. I guess that only applies to a certain amount of time. Again, I’ve been excessive recently. I thought that I could put the whole contact thing on hold as how I put in hold my favorite things for when I’m in the right and proper head space. I usually take my time with the things I love. But I guess it’s quite individualistic. Although I am on mutual terms with my friends on our frequency of contact, I feel like I should start making time for them instead of waiting for my time to be vacant. I feel like low-maintenance friendships could work online-wise, only if you already spend time with them on the daily. If that makes sense. Still, this does not diminish my system of prioritization. I guess it varies per person. Because with Sirko, I for sure will reply within the day. I use my phone every day after all. Possibly, without even realizing it, the people I once considered friends have gradually become acquaintances. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that; after all, I firmly believe that connections can be regained over a simple cup of coffee. This belief stems from my own nature; I'll always be a friend, especially to those I've already shared a history of friendship with (unless, of course, there was conflict in between).
My general rule of thumb in getting my life together is having a clear space. I genuinely cannot function without having everything in its proper place. The same way I’m unable to do anything unless I’ve showered. The fatigue I’ve accumulated throughout this entire month has finally caught up to me. My whole entire body is aching. My cytokines are in need of some calming down. I finally finished the first season of Kamonohashi Ron no Kindan Suiri. I can’t wait for the next one. I know the anime’s formula is repetitive and the storyline is pretty basic, but I’m a sucker for any detective shows. I’ve been watching and reading Detective Conan since I could remember.
I finished reading all his letters. I still don't think I have the capacity to turn all those emotions I've cried into words. I wish he meant every word he wrote in his last letter.
I started a no-contact notebook. I feel so weak. I feel like I could collapse at even the smallest bit of pressure. I don’t have it in me to write a blog entry for today.
We talked a few times today. Some of which were my fault. Some of which were yours. I can’t help it. I decided to read your letters today. I didn’t want to read it just yet since I’m still sick and I’m trying not to die, but I miss you a lot. As predicted, I cried before I even read the first word yet again. I’m making my condition worse. In your Thursday, October 26, 2023 Part 1 letter, I noticed you dotted your "i" in "I love you" with a heart. I've been crying over every single word written and shed a tear or two (way more) each time I put my hands on the traced silhouette of yours, but I just find this all so sweet. I’m still so incredibly in love with you, and I hope that won’t ever change. I managed to finish more than half of the letters, but it’s getting late, and I have to save my tears for tomorrow.
I'm still burning up, and my temperature seems to have no plans of dropping anytime soon. I had my orthodontist appointment today, leaving me even more disoriented. My head hurts so much it might actually combust. They added more chains on one side of my mouth, and god, is that giving me a migraine. To add insult to injury, a canker sore has taken up residence on the opposite side of my mouth, making eating a near-impossible feat. There's an event at school today, and I had to go for this mandatory mass they're having in the evening. I dropped by for a solid second, got my picture, and dipped. I am in so much physical pain; my head is literally in the clouds.
It’s January 20th. A very inevitable day. One that me and Wacky swore to never speak of (we did anyway). Because to utter it would be to jinx it. Right? I hate humidity. I hate how it warps books. I hate how it grows molds. I hate how it crinkles clothes. I hate how it comes after the rain. Today feels humid. My glasses will fog and I'll blame it on humidity. My eyes will blur and I'll blame it on humidity. Every cereal I'll ever eat will sog and I'll blame it on humidity. We broke up, as a natural cause, but even then, I’ll blame it on humidity. Because I can’t blame him. I can never blame him.
We spoke over the phone one last time. You had to hang up. We had to end.
If I could have the same coffee, knowing it's destined to go cold before I finish, I'd take it again without a second thought.
I am home alone. The bare walls are consuming my entire existence. The everyday noises are unbearably loud. I am cold but sweating. I am sick. It wasn’t processing in my brain quite yet. I just knew that my eyes were red and puffy from crying for hours until no end yesterday. No, like, literally hours. I can confidently say that it was definitely more than half a day. No pauses, just continuous tears. The first thing I had to do this dreadful morning was to put cold spoons over my eyes. Okay, well, not the first thing. Showers are mandatory, of course. With the spoons on my eyes, I simultaneously was regulating my breathing. Pretty stupid that I don’t know how to breathe anymore. That, and I’m on the way to being completely immobilized. Each and every single one of my body’s systems is slowly failing. And I am witnessing it. I knew what I had to do. I needed to sweat. All my blinds are open, I turned off the AC, and I wrapped myself with so many clothes all the while twisted around layers of blankets. Even then, it was still unbelievably cold. I asked my mom for some hot lemon water. It’s the best ever. She usually makes it for me whenever I’m sick. I’m convinced it has healing properties. My eyes remained closed for the rest of the day. My body needs its overdue apologies.
I came to school early again, being the second person at our meetup spot. Today was the day of our performance, so I assumed everyone else would have been here already. I was proven wrong. We only practiced at the very last second of our assigned time since, as it turns out, we did not have enough members to even fix our positioning on the main mats. No one is expecting us to win. To be quite frank, that's our literal legacy, and we have no means of breaking it. We're getting additional grades and a lot of other incentives just by participating in this extracurricular. Very epic. We had our final costume fittings, and we had to make some personally customized adjustments for our headdress. It was so tight. Whenever we wore it, it felt like circulation was getting cut off from our necks and around the circumference of our heads. Time went by quickly. We were in the backrooms trying to compose ourselves. Everyone was working double time. They helped me with other parts of my costume and had me sit on a chair for the face paint portion of preparation. The time came, and finally, we were lined up, just waiting to be called. It took so long. We were all dying (mostly from suffocation). We did the parade, then performed our routines. It went pretty well. There were a lot of mistakes, but who's gonna catch those, honestly. I didn't, though. I don't make mistakes. But I did have a near-death experience. I was so thirsty that I think my throat literally turned into the Sahara desert right when I was doing my stunts. Like mid-throw in the air, I literally lost my voice. So that's fun. I made sure to buy myself a drink after we finished. My baby brother also had his own dance performance. Except his started very early in the morning, and he told me he waited 7 whole hours just to watch me. That's really something considering he is the most impatient child alive. It was so cute. Wacky came to visit. He stressed me out so much. We got caught along with Brie and Bokuto. It didn't end as perfectly as it should've, but I saw him for one last time. I didn't like his haircut and he did not look good. I wish things had turned out differently. I couldn't stay because of my baby brother. I felt bad because I had already made him wait. After we separated, I felt my throat tightening up. I knew I was on the verge of crying. I held a 30-minute conversation with my baby brother until I couldn't anymore. I ran up to my room and cried until the next day. I cried on the floor, cried in the shower, and cried until I fell asleep.
I always find myself feeling alone. I am well surrounded by people almost constantly, but my mind is always drifted off to some place I can’t quite locate. Obviously, I know how to get along with people, but only up to that extent. I get pretty good feedback with the people I interact with too. But I guess I just don't exactly align with a lot of people. But then again, I like to believe that any form of connection can be learned. But I refuse to anyway. We’re having our last day of practice today. I was the first to arrive at school. We’re polishing up our dance and trying our best to coordinate with the props team. Honestly, the props team made our entire dance routine a gazillion times harder. They were stumbling, handing out our props late, and seriously just had no respect. They’re a year below us and they were complaining about literally everything. I was part of the props team last year, and I can say for certain that I respected my seniors. Our practice together with them was smooth sailing. Now there’s barely even any respect, much to say that they refused to do their job, called us uncoordinated (when they were the ones tripping over themselves), and were just incredibly hard to deal with altogether. After the day ended, they even filed a report because our literal lead dancer shouted at them. Trust me, it wasn’t bad. And I’ve experienced lots of shouting. Especially back when I used to do cheer. Today was very exhausting. I was breaking out in cold sweats. On top of that, my throat was starting to dry up. I had a genuine hard time breathing. I don’t know why I’m so tired because I usually am pretty active, but today felt like hell. Spoiler alert: My body was hinting at my upcoming sickness that will leave me bedridden for a literal week.
I normally obsess over writing every detail from the days I spend with Wacky. But just for this once, I'll trust my memory. Whatever doesn't find its way there will lose itself as the payment of what I owe to time.
I am skipping school because I am going on a date with Wacky for the last time before he moves away to New Zealand. I woke up around 5 AM and got ready. I might have overestimated the time it would take for me to get ready because I was done quickly. I even had multiple sleeping breaks after. I did my hair, makeup, and everything. I ate breakfast too! He picked me up really early, and we went to his house (somewhere far - literally 30 minutes away). He picked me up, and I tried my best to forget he was ever leaving. I was fully present. I made sure. The only person who has had enough of me to break my heart. Not that it mattered because I knew it was coming. He just meant a little more than the heartbreak anticipating us before we even started. We had this constant race to open the passenger's car door. It was funny. I was at his house first before he toured me around his village. He showed a bunch of cool spots. He had stories to accompany them too. He took me out for lunch. He bought us steak and took away my knife because he claimed he sensed blood lust. I made him guess a bunch of words I was mouthing. It was about how much I appreciated him as a person. The sweetest prettiest boy to ever live. We went back, and he mentioned we'd watch the sunset. Initially, he planned to get fries but ended up choosing snacks instead. He drove to the location that would overlook the sunset he knew of. We talked. I would trade all that I've got in my name to experience this with you again. We had dinner at his house. He gave me a folder full of letters. A lot of them. He requested that I open it when I get back home. I'm saving it for a particular date. He wrote a letter for one of our friends in his room while I copied him. I wrote a letter for him too. I wanted to get his attention. It for sure worked. After a while, we went back downstairs to his living room. We watched a movie to occupy the time. I kept myself really, really close because it was probably the last time I'd get to hold him. The ride back home was really quiet. If I had talked at any time, I was so sure my voice would've cracked. I made sure not to fall asleep. We kissed at the back of your car on our way back to Last Kiss. You probably didn't even notice it, but I started crying on the last verse. Ironically, that really was the last kiss we had. Our last hug and last secret handshake too. He dropped me off by my driveway, and he stared even after I had closed the doors. I looked back twice, but he never once took his eyes off of me.
Was it really that serious? It was so early in the morning, and I was already met with this guard shouting at me for wearing slides to school. Her face was like beet red mad. From afar, people would’ve suspected that I had committed a crime or something. It’s a good thing that I’m always pretty calm in any given scenario. Since we have our own world, with no teacher supervising or restricting us, our daily practice schedule has been pushed back. Everyone is now well-adjusted to being late that I am, for once, one of the earliest to arrive. We were transferred to a new venue, and it’s actually great because of how slippery the floor is. Well, it wouldn’t be great for the stunt people and most especially the flyers (I am a flyer) because of the higher risk of falling, but it's fun to slide around, and that’s what really matters (it doesn’t). One of the juniors dubbed me the best senior ever. I shouldn't be thinking too much about it, but validation is still validation. The whole day, I borrowed my friend’s iPad and just drew a bunch of Gundam characters. People were requesting more things for me to draw too. My pathological liar friend noticed the attention I got that she stepped in and showed her art, only for me to instinctively press the play for timelapse, and she got exposed for tracing. I am seriously her worst nightmare. I’m not sure if I’ve even ever written about her here, but I don’t really mind writing about her lore now. Her lying goes way back from when we first met (7th grade). It’s okay though; it’s not really hurting anyone, so I’m tolerating it well enough. We had mass today, which I hold almost no recollection of. It was probably disrespectful, but I fully slept the whole time. It was impossible for me to fight off the sleepiness. We had a bit of overtime with our practice, I passed by the same guard I did earlier, and she was still mad, then I met up with Brie because she wanted to give me the socks she’s been wanting to give Wacky. I didn’t go straight home after the long day; I dropped by our other house to literally just sleep some more. I don’t mind getting dragged around. I just want to be left alone because I for sure need some sleep. And the good part about that is that I can sleep almost anywhere.
I’m trying not to think too much about it, but I’m having my last date with Wacky tomorrow. I really, really, really want to see him, but I’m also scared to see him. I don’t want to have all my lasts with the person who gave me all my firsts.
We played Minecraft to spend more time with each other until the day eventually faded into the next. Also, I wish I could see him solve a Rubik's cube in real life. He did it on camera, and I was literally folding. It was so attractive.
The world is cruel for making me wake up this early. My test is starting pretty soon, and I don’t really have time for anything else. I have little to no preparation. For a school that’s supposed to be my top pick, I should’ve known to put in a bit more effort. Too late for that now. I should be smart enough. The traffic going there was so bad that I had to leave the car and start walking to the testing site. It was a relief when I heard my name being called from a distance. The person who recognized me and I stuck to each other like two peas in a pod for the entirety of the test. It wasn’t all that bad. After that was over, I memorized a portion of the test and helped another friend who was taking the same test in the afternoon schedule. I am very exhausted. I walked a block to meet up with my mom and my brother at the nearest Starbucks, then my dad picked us up. We had lunch at this place we used to always go to. It’s my parents' favorite restaurant even from way before we existed. My brother and I went down memory lane over some horror stories that were told to us when we were young. We argued over whose version was more accurate. On our car ride back, we talked about the economy, the stock market, and cryptocurrency. My dad told us a few of his stories, and it felt like unlocking a whole new kind of lore. I can’t really disclose any of that information here, but I learned a lot. Sadly, my brother wasn’t exactly coming home with us; he still has college. It’s gonna be a long time before I see him again. Sigh.
I played Roblox with Wacky before going to bed. Super epic.
I need to study for yet another college entrance exam that I'm having tomorrow. I am procrastinating. I must be the sleepiest girl in the entire neighborhood. I don’t have the energy in me to even get up. But I had to. Somehow, I managed to successfully force myself to study around 3 PM. Even then, I was going at a very slow and unfocused pace. My drafts are piling up, but I swear I just need a clean schedule, and I'll get right back on track soon.
I woke up pretty late. I got ready very efficiently. I somehow caught up to my usual time schedule, except I did skip breakfast, but that's okay. No, not entirely. I had a banana in the car. I went to our practice venue, and we did the usual routine. Warm-ups weren't as bad; my body is hurting a lot less than it was two days ago. We changed venues to where the actual performance is going to be held and fixed the blocking for that. Sadly, I had to leave a little after the new steps were just being taught. I got picked up from school and went straight to get my Korean visa renewed. I fell asleep in the waiting area and even had a full-on dream. I woke up before I knew it, and the process was already done. I shopped with my brother for some new clothes and went to the rooftop restaurant we always eat at. It’s my dad’s favorite. Since I was with my family, a lot of old stories were brought up. One of them being: my suicidal past. Apparently, when I was a child, I had an obsession with putting my forks inside sockets. And in a Titanic stance, I'd jump from the stairs. Once I even tried eating those plastic measuring medicine cups. I was literally on life support. After the early dinner, we had some melonpan. It was the best ever. Whenever I’m with my brother, it’s already a known fact that I always act weird and talk a lot. Today, I was telling him about my new episode. It’s where I explain how I’m God and the audience is in love with me because I'm a constant 4th wall breaker. I basically went on with that argument for the whole entire day non-stop. I mean it when I say non-stop. I fell asleep in the car. My brother really has been the only person making me laugh recently. That’s sad.
I had a triception (triple inception). I haven’t been sleeping well recently. It’s been this whole struggle of having to force my fingers to move just so I can gain back a bit of consciousness throughout my whole body. Day after day, I’m convinced I’ve been having sleep paralysis. Like genuinely paralyzed. I have trouble waking up when I know that I’m already fully awake. But the triple inception I just had is probably the scariest I’ve woken up to yet.
I have practice again. I wore pajamas to school because of Senioritis. I dropped off my baby brother at his room, then went to my building. I went up to the 7th floor where our practice venue was located and rehearsed the dance we've already learned so far. We had warm-ups. I made a new friend actually. Someone who I used to hate but is now actually pretty bearable. I remember I hated his guts because he was so noisy during exams.
The practice went pretty well. I was a flyer once again. I did get into a bit of conflict with a friend who has this secret animosity towards me. Sirko has always sworn that girl has been praying for my downfall for as long as she has observed. I wasn't in my best condition, and I couldn't get a lot of the stuff that was taught. I am admittedly out of sorts today.
I do have a date with Wacky, so I only attended half of our rehearsals. He waited for me in the scorching heat for probably like an hour because we were dismissed late. The thing about our strand is that it’s not handled by a teacher. As I've explained in my previous entries, other strands are assisted by a teacher, but we're all on our own. So our rules are pretty bent, and we had no choice but to accept our fates. I did give him ice cold water, but that did not lessen how bad I felt. I'm still so sorry. After that, Wacky walked me to the mall near our school, and we ate my usual craving (carbonara). We talked about the most useless stuff and were doing the most in public. Can you blame us? We're teenagers in love. I had biscoff too. We were playing around, teasing, and tickling each other. I know, in public? We then found ourselves in the Lego store. We made ourselves minifigures. I made him look like a robber cop, and he actually made me… I'd feel bad, but mine was funny. Then, for the third figure, we made Anakin. Or at least it was close enough.
Then we walked to the park space thing and sat at the benches we used to stay at during our first early dates. It was very casual. I told him some recent things happening and all that. Except he got really depressed midway. Context, it’s our last real date before our last last date. Yup, it’s all gonna be over soon. It’s healthy, I swear. Then he got himself some fries. I’ll miss this a lot. We looked for a handicap bathroom around because of reasons. And you know, things. We ranked this time as the 2nd riskiest and 2nd favorite. We sat back down after he got himself some food at the tables outside. After that, we made a Lego cinematography video thing. Oh, and I also gave him his birthday gift. It was a toy excavator and an annotated book (Mary Oliver's Felicity). I didn't let him look at the book until after I left. We hugged, kissed, and dapped each other up before we left. A few moments later, he sent me a picture of himself crying. He's crying over a piece of paper. Which also made his parents cry. Does that make me horrible? I actually didn't expect him to read it on the day I gave it. I figured he'd keep it stored away, never to touch it, but I guess I'm underestimating his obsession. He sent me a full unlisted video of him sobbing within like the first 30 seconds of opening the book. Apparently, flipping through the pages quickly was enough to make him cry. The sobbing got a lot more violent, and he cried until we played Roblox and fell asleep talking. I genuinely thought I was dreaming halfway, that I was conversing with him, but I was actually talking to Dream Wacky.
I am late again. It’s a bad habit, but it’s really not that deep. I understand my classes well, and our practice hours don't start until an hour later because the person teaching our choreo is also always late. I was going to school with my baby brother, so I wasn't that late; I still had to drop him off at his classroom. I had some packed bread with me, which I ate to get some energy in my system during one of our short breaks. We polished more steps, learned more choreography, and in one instance, I remember falling flat asleep on the floor during one of the formations. They took a bit too long discussing it, and I am under a lot of sleep debt. I ate tonkatsu for lunch. I don't eat lunch too often, and I swear the prices have changed from when I first started studying in this school. I was writing on my phone the whole day. Like the whole entire day. I wouldn't usually use that approach, but I am running out of time. After practice hours, I went to the mall and originally wanted biscoff, but they were out of it. Then I asked for chai - which they were also out of. I resorted to butterbeer, and it wasn't actually that bad. My mom got me fries too. I got home and slept for a very long time in the after-school sofa spot. Then I used my remaining time to fix myself up, have an everything shower, and write some more.
I feel a bit less sick now. Wacky promised he'd call me in the morning before school, so I was pretty restless after 6, expecting his call. We did call for a bit, but I was about to leave for school, so we only had like a literally minute-long phone call. I have been dress-coded for every single category of clothing. Today’s a new one. I’m not even wearing anything bad. I just had pajamas and slippers on. We had practice again, moved to a different practice location (our favorite one), and did karaoke until the other members were back. I went to one class because we were meeting a new teacher. It's for philosophy. I really just wanted to make a good impression. I answered one of his questions and quoted a philosopher. I should do well this year. I’m actually getting along with everyone. I don't necessarily have a certain person to go to, which kind of makes me feel alone, but I'm also conversing well in group settings. We went overtime on practice hours, but it was fine. I picked up my card from the bank on the way home. Also bought something else. When I got home, I routinely passed out. My thighs are hurting. It’s actually bad. I called Wacky and just talked about our day. He was composing a new song, so I watched him do that too. At some point, he was looking for spy cameras he could buy. And of course, the day wouldn't end without someone crying. He cried because tomorrow marks the last 10 days until he leaves.
It’s Wacky’s birthday! I can't figure out when, but at some point, he became a constant. Tracing how that even happened feels so impractical and overly complicated. It must've happened through a Rube Goldberg machine. Each lever, wheel, axle, pulley, and screw (why am I listing this out) led me to this. I don't think it's necessary for me to pinpoint when, but still. I've always loved the process itself of how contraptions worked in complex ways just to achieve something so simple. If the time comes when you think no one remembers your birthday, trust me, I will.
My autoimmune system is having a full-scale rebellion against me. I am sick. I have practice today, and I can’t really miss out on attendance since I am almost reaching my limit of absences for the month. I brought some tissue paper with me, and I just plan on moping on the floor when I get to our practice location. I dropped my baby brother off first thing in the morning and got another call out for violating the dress code. My friend gave me chocolates that I couldn’t eat because I was dying. I followed through with my plan of just sleeping through the day. I did learn the choreography and participated in some, but they were understanding, so I was fine. Before we were dismissed, some dude with whole camera equipment decided they’d film us. Everyone choked. There was one who literally tripped in front of the camera. It was funny.
I might be bedridden. I don’t want to move. But I am forced to. I’m dragging my feet and trying my best. It’s that time of the month again, and on top of that, I’m sick. We went to the mall because I had to have my Korean visa picture taken. I guess it wouldn't be too bad to get my body moving. I figured I could drop by the bookstore while I was at it anyway. So, my brother, my dad, and I got our pictures taken. My brother and dad had to buy polo shirts because apparently, the color they had on wasn't allowed. Then we ate for a bit while waiting for the pictures to be developed. We picked up the photos after waiting, and of course, I got the book I wanted on the way home. I was doing my usual brain vomit session with my brother until I received the best response ever in return. I can't even be offended. He said, “skip.” I am so stealing that from him. You know, like when video game characters have those long monologues, and then you just spam the skip button? Exactly. Genius. I hate to admit this, but recently my brother has been the only one making me laugh seriously. He’s not even home often.
I got to play Roblox with Wacky for a bit. That made my night.
Wacky's parents invited me for their anniversary lunch. His whole family is literally going to be there. I’m totally exaggerating, but it's still really scary. It was at this fancy restaurant and the dress code was smart casual. I have worn smart casual outfits on many different occasions. I have plenty of clothes to choose from. I literally had a formal clothing phase. But still, somehow, I have nothing to wear. I mean, I didn't want to underdress, overdress, seem like I was trying too much, or not trying at all. It’s very complicated. I consulted Sirko for some help early in the morning. As I’ve been bothering her for like 2 days now, I had to settle on a decision. I eventually did it. I put on my makeup and it wasn’t so bad. He picked me up. My dad and baby brother greeted him at my door too. He had his driver, grandmother, brother, and cousin with him. I love his cousin; she’s so pretty. It went moderately well since he had already introduced me to them previously. Okay, honestly, the day went so smoothly. We got to the venue, and his parents were already there. I greeted them. I probably should've said a bit more, but I am terrible at conversations now. I thought I was good before, but now I’ve lost it, and I’m too scared to mess anything up, so I’m hoping I was nice enough for them. Wacky excused us before the rest of his family came so we could walk around since the place was pretty. We did. We came across the other guests, so he was able to formally introduce me as his girlfriend individually. That definitely helped in calming down my nerves. One of them was even surprised that he had a girlfriend since, in a usual family setting, everyone disregards growth in children. Okay, I might've worded that a bit wrong, but as an example, I refuse to believe that my baby brother is growing up because he’s literally my baby brother. The thing about me is that I’ve read way too many researches and books on psychology that things seem scary sometimes. It’s when you know a bit more and still know less than ever. I was scared that people might hate me for making the youngest guy of the family grow up. It’s not directly my responsibility, but some people are genetically wired to think that way. Okay, yeah, maybe I do read too much into everything. But everything went so well. I got to talk a lot even. I was socializing with his cousin (I’ll name her Alice from now on since I might have to introduce his other cousins). She literally asked if I could split that one mushroom meal with her. That's so awesome. She recommended other food that went around the lazy Susan - the biggest one I've seen. Wacky was so perfect the entire time. I know I tell him off a lot with how often he force-feeds me, but it's actually cute. I mean, I actually really do need to eat. I'm happy he cares. He was the one putting food on my plate, and I'll always consider it the sweetest gesture ever. I’m part of at least one of his family pictures now. I definitely did something right. Eventually, we reached the dessert portion of the meal and stepped away to the bathroom for a while. Upon returning, we found that everyone was already leaving, so that went well. Also, for some additional information, every time we excused ourselves, he'd pull me to the side in that one spot behind the elevator that was never used. We'd end up making out. Isn't that so cute? Very teenager. I mean, it’s not like I'm not one anyway. Before the whole thing ended, I managed to meet everyone, say hi and bye, actually (small) talk with like 2 of his cousins our age, excluding Alice, and survive the afternoon. If ever my biggest fear does come true of them hating me, it’s outside of my control. I’m okay. We went back to his car, and we were dropped off at the mall in my city. He lives far, so I always feel bad. We continued our day and went on our own date since we have pretty limited time together now that he’s moving soon and all that. I did get my period, so I asked him to look for sanitary pads with me. It was a whole mission I did not wish to put him on. I am so sorry. But I think it’s cute that he’s my literal boyfriend and he’s okay with dealing with this stuff. We finished that errand and ended up transferring to another mall because we had some plans to… not watch a movie. We wanted to buy fries, but it was out, so we looked for an alternative. We picked up a few things in the grocery store, then sat at the donut shop until we parted ways.
My whole body hurts. We had practice. I was on call with Wacky for some parts of the day. I’ve been feeling so lonely recently. I space out a lot and feel like I’m falling behind.
Starting the school an hour late again. I will not be changing. Everybody else should though. I’m gonna be having cheer dance rehearsals starting from this day on until January 18th. I’m not gonna be using my brain for a while. That’s awesome. In addition to being late, I also forgot my ID and violated the dress code. So I got told off, big deal. I should be fine. The 8-hour time allotted for our practice wasn’t efficiently used. For the most part, we were sitting down. I even got to sleep for at least 2 hours straight, and it was all just getting called to formation to do nothing for about 5 minutes until everybody just decides to sit down and go on their owns. It was a whole cycle of that. Turns out, our cheerleader (also the teacher assigned to do our choreography) had nothing planned. I had like 2 of my friends helping her out, and at first, we were all confused because to us, it seemed like he was literally bossing the teacher around. We did not know that our teacher was kind of incompetent (no offense). When I got home, I showered immediately and decided to take a nap. I took a bunch of them in different places. I feel kind of sick. Hopefully, it doesn't get any worse.
Some Wacky updates for today included a lot of people telling me they were jealous. They all called him very handsome too. Whenever we hang out, he does these vlog things and calls everyone his Wacksters. Apparently, my viewers are actually eating that up. More than a handful of people approached me and claimed they were Wacksters. I have no idea why they even watch. I can’t lie, he’s like really cute. But can we all agree that I literally saw him first?
I wish I had overalls on right now. I miss painting. Overalls look especially great when you’re painting. I woke up and did not hesitate to immediately resume painting. I did kind of mess it up at the start, but I eventually fixed it. What I love most about oil paint is that you can layer it by a lot. You can cover up mistakes easily, and I’m a big fan of mediums that are forgiving. We were going back home. I’ve been so tired, and I just want the comfort of my bed that my body is already accustomed to. We had some drive-thru for breakfast and ate it at home. I showered and everything too. I watched Initial D, I ate some more, then went to my room and lived in my own little ecosystem. I might’ve just resurrected the artist in me. I’m not saying that in a pretentious way because I’ve always been a prodigy in drawing. I always tell people I just have the eye for things and good hands to coordinate with it. I usually stop drawing for months after I draw like 2-3 pieces. I wish I could make stylized drawings. While I’m great at everything else, it was impossible for me to settle. So I just never did. See, that doesn’t even just apply to drawing. I still occasionally draw on scratch papers, the back of my school notebooks, or whenever I’m on a phone call with someone and I start scribbling on a post-it. But that has been the extent of it in recent years. Obviously, for me to own almost every medium, it must have been a huge hobby before. It was. But I don’t have time for it now. One of my favorites of today’s sketches is my portrait of a scene from Gilmore Girl of Dave Rygalski and Lane Kim. Wacky promised yesterday that he’d watch my favorite Studio Ghibli Film with me. He did. We watched Whisper of The Heart. It never gets old. I still love it every time. It’s the cutest film ever. Especially the classroom scene. I can watch that a gazillion times and still love it each time.
I packed my things and went to our farmhouse. It’s literally my favorite place ever. A lot of the construction is almost done, and it’s just the prettiest thing ever. I reunited with my favorite dog, and he’s so much bigger now. I wish I could sneak him into the car and take him home with me. They’re well taken care of here, though. It’s sad, but I only see them a few times every month or two. I’d normally wear headphones to block out the noise (indiscriminately loud or silent) of everything around me, but today I don't seem to mind it. The draft of the wind is deafening, and each and every one of my steps echoes through the walls of our house, but I like it that way.
I fabricated a treasure hunt for my baby brother. He had an unopened treasure box, and I thought it would be fun if I gave him the full experience. I set up the location of the X mark, buried his chest (in pillows), and drew a very detailed and elaborate treasure map. He enjoyed playing the game so much that he played it multiple times despite knowing the exact location of the treasure. He made sure that everyone tried it out too. It’s so cute. I’m glad he appreciated it.
After a while, I organized my bookshelves. I found the first book I ever bought from one of our school fairs. It had a raccoon as the cover page, and growing up, I’ve always had this weird obsession with them. Not long after that, I decided to bring out my oil painting supplies and laid out my makeshift workstation. The concept I had decided on for today’s canvas is “right where you left me”. Like any other tortured, starving artist, I had forgotten about everything around me and painted until I found satisfaction. I have never found satisfaction in my art. I’ve only ever been forced to call it finished. Everything blurred into a single blink, and I had lost track of time already. When everything went quiet, I knew that I had to start cleaning up. In the end, I didn’t sleep in my room but instead downstairs in the common area with my brother who also shares the same amount of courage that I do. That courage is non-existent, by the way.
Happy New Year.
I’m not really looking forward to anything this year. In fact, I am starting to loathe time more as it passes by, but I’ll get through it. I don’t have any New Year’s resolutions, but I do wish this year can lend me some kindness and take care of me, even if only slightly. Some plot armor, if you will. I’m fine with breaking down; I just need to survive, even at the most impossible times.
I might have just rediscovered Gracie's first album "minor" in a much more personal sense — something that aligns with Gracie's fullest and most original intention. I thought I had already understood it before, but God, was I wrong. You think you understand something until you actually experience it and realize that everything you knew was so shallow. I'm starting the new year with Gracie Abrams. I love her.
I went to the cinema with my baby brother to watch Aquaman. It was his first time watching something in 3D, if you don’t count the rides from Universal and Disneyland. I remember when that used to be revolutionary. Step Up 3D just came out too. Good times. We were actually running pretty late. Not exactly late to the movie, but we had very limited time to buy food. The queue was so long everywhere. I did manage to buy popcorn and some chicken poppers with fries. I bought clothes from the kids' section afterward, got takeout food from Popeyes, then went home. I wanted to read my "dear future me" letters with Wacky, but we were both too sleepy. Maybe some other time. I deleted a couple of Instagram accounts and my TikTok. Not gonna lie, I don't think this whole cutting off thing is healthy anymore. I've been feeling more alone recently, and I think this whole idea of having fewer friends I used to have is becoming too extreme; I'm losing ties unnecessarily with people who actually care about me. I hate that I'm self-aware. I hate that I can only pinpoint my faults. I hate that I only know less than enough to actually fix my problems. Pretty stupid if you ask me. I’ll see this through.
I am once again redrafting my frame of mind. To start with an uncomplicated question: Will I wake up to darkness once more, or has the day already begun? Am I concluding an end, or am I starting a new beginning? I’ve learned a lot this year. I had the best of my time, and I can confirm for certain that I got to experience what being a teen is like. I have gained cognition over patterns - very handy and applicable to almost any scenario. I won’t need breadcrumbs to find my way back when I’m careful and calculated. I made my mind my second home. You can go pretty far once you've learned how to ride a bike. I tried out a different approach. The hypothesis is: If I learn the basics of something, then I can figure out any tasks of complexities. Even though I’m pretty scared of what next year has in store for me, I’ll start with what I can, making use with what I have, master it, and slowly work my way up. I woke up and packed my things. The packing process shouldn’t have taken long, but I was looking for this piece of clothing that I knew was with my brother. I asked him about its whereabouts, and he was clueless. I sorted that thing out, then wore those plaid flannel pajamas literally everyone’s wearing. It's for the planned family picture. We went to the penthouse and stayed there for a while. It was cold, so I found myself freezing (to death) while staring into nothingness. I ate a lot. I cooked carbonara too. Except my brother called me off for playing with my food. I carved the pasta in the pan into a star while I was mixing it around. I slept but the new year seems to be taking its sweet time. To pass the time, I played a racing game with my baby brother, using his two remote control cars. I was winning every round. I find it interesting that he didn’t cry. He usually cries when he loses. Not long before midnight, I began hearing fireworks, which increased in number as the time approached the new day(year). With only a few minutes remaining, we went out onto the balcony, and the countdown began.
I'm going out on another date with Wacky! I woke up really early and had a lot of time to mentally prepare myself. I even had my breakfast while watching Initial D, then cleaned up and went through my whole routine. Wacky eventually arrived at my driveway, and he picked me up with his dad and brother in the car. So far, they're pretty cool. Such a relief that they don't hate me. They had a few morning errands to attend to, so we tagged along. After that, we went to this coffee shop, and I just had hot chocolate. I spilled a bit of it because that's just my luck. But then he laughed at me, and I swear he was the prettiest I've ever seen. I say that every time I see him, so don't take my word for it. I bet he'll be even prettier the next time we see each other. We walked around the city... I think. We tried our best to avoid the topic of how this was probably the second to last time I'm seeing him. We were enjoying each other's company a lot. It was early, but everything felt so quick with him. We tried looking for this new thing at the mall but eventually gave up. We went to another mall near where the Disney on Ice event is located. We decided to spend our time there while waiting. We did a bunch of dumb things. I'm always the happiest when I'm with him. I'm not going to get into detail because it's better to remember how it feels to be with him than trying to put it into words. I'm not trying to downplay or butcher how much I love being with him. We had lunch at Shake Shack, and he was being weird, in a good and mutual way. He also got us tickets for the Ferris wheel. It was fun... I did try looking at the bookstore again just to find nothing. He called it. I'm still in that book slump, which sucks. We walked everywhere. At one point, we both got tired and just sat down at the rooftop deck of the mall. When it was finally dark out, we headed to the arena for Disney on Ice! He went through such lengths to get tickets. I'm so impressed. I came across one of my friends there. I actually encountered a handful of friends, which is such a weird coincidence. Back to the show, it was so great. I'd consider myself a Disney kid. I'm glad I got to watch that with him. I was trying my best to keep my eyes off of him. If only he knew how perfectly the lights complimented him. Fast forward, we met with his sister at Ikea, and I was so nervous. He was making fun of the way I stood with both of my feet on the ground. Who wouldn't be tensed up when meeting your boyfriend's family? His mom picked us up and dropped me home. He slept on my lap during the whole car ride. I couldn't sleep because I wanted this moment to last a little longer. It was a very long day. I wish I could write about it more, but it's impossible to articulate feelings when they're too great for me to even comprehend.
I have enough time for resting. This is a privilege I do not often get. I’ve been bestowed great power by the gods. I am a god. I was texting Sirko the whole day. She unpacked her family’s lore for 4 hours, and it was definitely hall of lore-worthy. I watched Initial D during the other gaps of the day. I didn’t really do much.
I’m so nervous for tomorrow. I’ll be meeting Wacky’s entire family for his parents' anniversary lunch. I had forgotten how bad my social anxiety was. If you've read my early blog entries, it was very evident that I struggled in social settings. Back then, I used to cry at my old age whenever a staff member would do as much as approach me. Like even seeing anyone within a 5-meter radius would make me cry. I am crying right now. For the rest of the night, I prepared mentally and physically. I picked out my outfit too (Sirko helped me out, so thanks).
I still get the same goosebumps I once felt when I first listened to Right Where You Left Me. I had to run a few errands today. I woke up early and headed to our local mall to update my bank account from the kids' one to an adult account, now that I’m 18, and renew my credit card. I caused a bit of commotion at the bank for being 18 and not looking the part. Other customers were throwing questions at me and everything. They were all very doubtful of my age. After that, I went to another shop to look for some glasses because I broke my old ones months ago. Then we grabbed Popeyes for lunch. I checked the bookstore for a specific book I needed, but it wasn’t on the shelves, so we went to another mall. My baby brother came along, and I had to keep an eye on him for a while. He played in the arcade, and I just followed him around while playing a couple of games with him. A few moments later, we had our family dinner. I also finally found glasses that fit me. At first, I didn’t like them, but they grew on me. They didn't have black frames, and I know I swore to only wear black ones, but they didn't have any available in the style I wanted, so I settled on the next best thing, the brown ones. I ended up not being able to get the book I came here for. We went home afterward. My baby brother is convinced he's the only one who can carry Mjolnir. He's been asking around the house if we (mere mortals) could lift his Thor's hammer, but we all pretend we can't. It's so cute. I laid down and rested for a bit, then slept, and then went to my room, cleaned up, and did my night routine. I planned on doing my blog, but I failed to notice the time. It's already 3 AM. I’m sleeping late again. I just want to sleep early.
Today, I woke up and decided to work on my blog entries. I tried to do 12 entries for today, but that was very unsuccessful. I had this list of things I wanted to do, which I relatively completed. I didn’t plan on going out, but my brother has been reminding me of my sins. I lost his guitar capo a while back, and I owed him one. We went out to the mall, and instead of going to the music shop right away, we stopped by a couple of other shops. We started off with the game shop. He got yet another game for his PS5. His argument was that since he had Christmas money, he basically had free money to spend. I wanted to buy things too, but in every shop I visited, I couldn’t find anything I liked. We did eventually get what we came here for. My mom and dad picked us up, and then we went out for dinner. I got buffalo wings, which were too much for me. It was good though. My brother has this new ongoing joke of me being his personal bodyguard. Then we went home and worked on more blogs. I was a bit distracted. I wanted to sleep early today, but I physically couldn’t because, it turns out, I have developed this weird dependency on Wacky being on the other side of my phone so I could go to sleep. I am so scared. I don’t usually dream, but I’ve been having nightmares ever since we stopped having our sleep calls. I’m going to try fixing this dependency problem I have. I just need to give myself a bit more exposure therap
I could render a gradually declining perspective with a few adjustments. Some things aren’t that complicated. There’s always a substance occupying something. The glass is never half empty. Am I stupid for not knowing, or am I smart for acknowledging that I don’t know? What exactly am I trying to prove? Literally nothing. It's just in my current train of thoughts. I’m usually zoned out when I’m with family members. I looked forward to Christmas, but I didn’t actually celebrate it. I just like the concept of it. The whole day, my brother was stepping on my God complex. It’s part of our comedic bit. It’s not actually meant to be funny, but if we were in a sitcom, I know it would be. Today we bantered over how I was both an unstoppable force and a movable object. It’s a Joker reference we’ve been quoting for years now. But today, it was our punchline. Around midnight, my brother and I had a redemption. Okay, I need to inform you that this is a very historical moment. Back when my brother and I were still children, we used to eat those dry noodles from a cup of ramen whenever we’d get hungry at night. It was our only option for survival. Fast forward to middle school, we made a very dangerous concoction from attempting to cook those pre-made noodles (not the instant noodles kind). My brother used “science” and boiled water that wasn’t hot enough but also left the noodles soaked for a bit too long. I mean, it should’ve worked hypothetically. But we were very far off from the directions. I mean for one, we actually needed to cook it, but we were too dumb for that (we were both top of our class). After we took the noodles out, we noticed that they were very inflated. We then proceeded to add in the other flavor and ingredient packets it came with. Because we weren’t thinking, we split the noodle first then cut all the packets in half to split it evenly too. I spilled my half of it. So my know-it-all brain resorted to using what I thought were alternatives from our kitchen cupboards. They were not. Long story short, I ended up vomiting everything I ate. My brother and I are now considered adults. We made the same thing today. But he actually cooked it this time. He even added butter because it was a trick that would make the noodles taste better. I mixed everything on the same plate and distributed it evenly for the two of us too. It was so good. I ate more than I could fit in my stomach. My brother was telling me about the hamster I overfed when I was young. How he would be waiting for me on Judgement Day with his arms crossed. That hamster died pooping. It was all because of me and my obsession with getting him to do tricks.
Merry Christmas.
I normally start my blog entries from the moment I wake up. I know I made a declaration to only conclude that my day has ended after I go to sleep, but I feel like it would be more conventional for me to start at 12 midnight. I refused to open my gift until it was actually Christmas. When I did open it, I got like the best thing ever. It was something that symbolized girlhood, and I thought it was so timeless. It was the Vivienne music box monogram canvas. Definitely something very sentimental. One which I can keep beside my nightstand or vanity for years. It’s on the expensive side, and I am very grateful. I can keep it as an heirloom. I can wind it up, and I'll be reminded of the nostalgic times. I genuinely think it's the most perfect gift ever. I am very grateful. We were at our other house, and my brother and I were still playing that old Dragon Ball Z video game. I know, what a bunch of losers. I also got myself the Anakin skin in Fortnite. I think they brought it back for the holiday. This is not helping the loser allegations. I only ate peanut butter for dinner. We had food on the table, but I am stupid. I slept at like 5 AM.
Merry Christmas Eve.
I did my blog and just wanted a very quiet day. I wrote a lot. I've never had an actual relationship with my extended family, so during holidays like these, I'm usually alone (or with my brother). I helped my brother fix his closet. We separated them into trash clothing, normal, and the epic pile. We were originally looking for this missing hoodie of mine that had just resurfaced my mind. I eventually did find it, but at the expense of hours of segregating my brother's clothes (we weren't even a quarter done). We had some change of plans. I forgot that we usually spend Christmas with other family members. So yeah, the whole thing I mentioned about being alone, has to happen this year too. I'm not complaining. I somehow am still able feel the Christmas spirit. I mean, I didn't even do anything today. We had our family picture. We wore matching outfits as usual. I spent the day with Luna, our new French bulldog, and my baby brother. They were chasing each other, and I was just watching over. My baby brother had so many gifts. He's spoiled. I didn't get to eat any of the food on the table, so when I got home, I had like a peanut butter sandwich. I fell asleep, so I just didn't. I think Christmases are more about my family, and I like that it's a day for them to gather. Except it's not really as much since family problems are making the circle grow exponentially smaller each year.
I've come up with a new system to organize my plans and finally catch up on my blog. I’m making a Game Plan. Apple had this new update a couple of weeks ago that introduced this new journal app. I’ve been trying to find a use for it. I think it’s pretty well made. I remember back then, I used to always scout out the app store for the perfect journal app but could never find a good one. Now that there is a perfect one, I already have my online blog and no longer have a use for it. But now I do. The system would be to write out how I feel, especially when I have a bunch of lingering tasks that are weighing me down, list out the said tasks, then go into further detail. I’ve always been a big fan of figuring out my problems through worded out emotions. This way, I’d know how to solve each struggle individually. Then, what's fun about it is that I can compare the way I feel and actually do something to change a feeling I made tangible by writing it down. I finished Haikyuu yesterday so I no longer have any excuses for putting things aside. I did almost 15 entries today. That’s a lot of entries. I also ate a burger either my mom or dad made. That’s totally off-topic. Anyway, Wacky has convinced me to start knitting again. I kind of gave up when I made this mistake that I figured was unfixable. He got us tickets for Disney on Ice too. He went through a lot of lengths, and I appreciate it so much. He’s always been so sweet. He called me again this afternoon, and we talked while I was assembling my Sirko box. He asked me a bunch of dumb hypothetical questions, and I was happy. I’m literally such a girlfriend on the phone with his boyfriend. I also played another PS2 game. It was Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi. I’m not sure which edition, but it’s definitely still better than any of the new Naruto games (especially Bandai’s whole copy-paste games). It was a bit modded, so we had like new characters too. I obviously played all the overpowered Gods. I did Beerus first, a bunch of weird lizards (this is an inside joke) that my baby brother picked out, then Broly. I love Broly. I won with him too.
I am staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. I am not home. I woke up to return to our main house. While everyone was packing up, I watched a bit of Haikyuu. I got home, showered, and completed the rest of my morning routine. I needed to finish Sirko’s gift, so I had to buy her box today. I wrote a couple of blog entries before heading out to the mall. We ate out—fun fact, whenever I’m out with my family, I usually always order calamari. There was none available, so I got chicken instead. We were on the hunt for plaid pants and found a bunch. I also found this cute top for myself from the kid’s section. I like that whenever I go shopping, I have access to all the different sections. I got the boxes on the way home since that was literally my main reason for going out. When I got home, my baby brother and older brother were playing some instruments, so I joined in. I played Kilby Girl on the electric. I love that song. Then I did another pre-shower makeup, but it did not turn out well this time.
It’s 1 AM. I got out of bed pretty late. I’ve been lazing around a lot and I know I shouldn’t be excusing it, but I’m considering this whole Christmas break productive. Resting is productive. I need it. I’m finally working on my website again. Not exactly coming up with something new, more of doing my overdue maintenance. I updated my archives since it’s still a couple of months behind. I wanted to fix my entry drafts too, but I couldn’t gather my words. I figured stalking other blogs would do the trick, but I was interrupted. It was already nighttime when my baby brother decided he wanted to sleep in our other house. He’s a very spoiled child. He got what he wanted, so me and my older brother just packed our stuff for an overnight stay. By packing up, I meant just pajamas, my laptop, and my sketchpad. My brother brought his gaming laptop and controller so he could set up some video games. He told me he had a Ps2 emulator and wanted to try it out. We dug up our memory lane and listed a few games we used to play a lot. One was Tom and Jerry: War of the Whiskers, WWE, NBA, Crash Bandicoot, and obviously, GTA. Our other house is actually very near. My baby brother just wanted to go there because of some toys he had lined up on the floor. That, and we had this new secret door installed for his baths. He loves bubble baths. When we got there, my brother ordered food and I kind of just didn’t eat. I was about to regret this. Me and my older brother taught my baby brother the mechanics of the Tom And Jerry game I mentioned and he’s pretty addicted. He already has that gamer try-hard controller grip. Also did the Crash Bandicoot one. Most of my time there was just me texting Wacky and watching Haikyuu. It wasn’t exactly annoying, but I did not like the fact that I was getting called every 5 seconds. I got hungry midnight. I ordered more food and I didn’t know that the spice level for the chicken I ordered was pretty high. Well, it wasn’t that high but I didn’t know it was powdered on the skin and I just shoved it into my mouth not knowing it would burn my lips off. So that’s that. I ended up sleeping in the living room with my brother instead of my own room upstairs because I wasn’t used to the whole new air going on.
I’m glad that the weather hasn't gotten warmer. As much as I love bright days, I swear the rainy season boosts my productivity. I’m sure this will change over time, like how I acquired the taste of wine and other adult stuff. But as someone who collects hobbies, I have a lot of items sitting on my shelves and in corners of my room, gathering dust and waiting to be used. When's a better time to learn those hobbies than during rainy days? I’m currently trying my best to catch up on my blog entries, and although I’m extremely slow at doing that, I think it’s great for my memory retention that I can store daily memories as long as I can. I’m not sure if I’ve written about my 2 cents on memory, but if I haven't, hopefully, I can write something in-depth about it in the near future.
For now, I spent most of my morning (this wasn’t much since I woke up pretty late) watching Haikyuu. Then I wrote my blog - each entry took an hour long. I only did 3. Wacky called me too just so he could hear my voice and talk about random stuff. We talked about melody roads (since I was doing an entry from 2 months ago and that was my topic then too). I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I always pace around my room, giggle, and kick my feet whenever I talk to him. I swear I don't know how we can always pull out topics from thin air, but I’m glad we can, and I think it’s further proof on how we’re actually soulmates. He also suggested a couple of fixes for my blog problem.
Look, I am trying my best. I’m just a really busy person. Okay so he’s proposing that if I write at least 2 a day, one for today and one for the past, then I should be able to write all my blogs in real-time again. I love my sweet boy so much. My baby brother has claimed this other house we had, and they completely refurbished all the furniture into this green theme (my baby brother’s favorite color). We went there so he could play with his toys. I’m just tagging along for not much of a reason. My brain is extremely occupied with Haikyuu and cannot process anything else until I finish the series.
I slept a lot today, like I have been for the past couple of weeks. I woke up, slept, watched Haikyuu, and slept again. Obviously, I got up for my showers, which are part of the routine, but other than that, it was nothing new. I taught my brother how to write numbers properly, so I guess that amounts to something. I mean, how many people can say they helped someone today? Probably a lot, but that’s not the point. I tried going downstairs to our living room just to keep myself up, but that did not help at all. I watched Haikyuu, and before I knew it, I fell asleep again. Since that wasn’t working out, I just went back to my room and slept some more in my very comfy bed. I finally cleaned my makeup brushes just to complete at least one thing off my productive on-hold to-do list. Then around midnight, I did a piano cover of Cedar by Gracie Abrams. You can probably already guess why.
I have been invited over to Wacky’s house. I’ve never been to a guy’s room. I’ve never been introduced as a girlfriend to a parent. This is all uncharted territory. It’s so nice that he’s putting all the effort to pick me up. He lives an hour from me. I woke up really early knowing I was about to meet up with the most perfect person ever. I did my makeup. I met him at Starbucks and he was already there. We went to his car and the ride was like an hour more or less. We both fell asleep. We woke up nearing his house and I tried running away but couldn't. I met his cousin (such a cool person) then he introduced me to her grandma. They were all so sweet. Like actually nice to me. I went to his room. I've always loved his room from whenever I'd get snippets of it in his pictures. His drum set is so cool. I always have crushes on fictional men who's in a band with the drums as their position. His cards were also cool. His setup. Everything about him is so cool. His bed was cool too. His original proposed plan was that we'd take a quick nap first when we get there. A few hours later he got us food and took me to “the spot.” It was this abandoned house and I even asked how they found this place. It had an entire lore and everything. He drove me there and I was losing my mind because I had just discovered that he was the type to keep his eyes off the road just to look at me. His hands were also all over the place but we don't talk about that. I tried fighting him for the whole opening the door thing or going back seat because it's funny that I'm not a passenger princess or whatever. So back to the spot. I liked it there. We went down and to the back of the house that had this opening. The view was great. We went there pretty early but he did say that the cool part about the house was that I'd see a gazillion fireflies at night. Apparently it's his first time going there during day time too. We ate carbonara - a craving I have every single night that I literally always tell him about. He finished faster than me because he just always does. I left a few crumbs of the pasta on the floor because I'm a messy eater. We went up the house and sat on the floor. We went back because mosquitoes were biting him. His cousin and I agreed on giving him a makeover. My shirt somehow fit him and he wanted to show off. So that escalated to him getting Harley Quinn makeover with graphic liner and a clown makeup to top all that off. Then his cousin made him borrow one of her dresses. I think he enjoyed that a bit too much. Then we went back to his room again. Time skip. He went downstairs to get some snacks (as I watched Haikyuu) and he was doing all the eating while I played with his dog. She’s so nice. I think she loves me too. Wacky then decided he wanted to clout chase again in my Instagram dump so he did another episode of Wacksters or whatever he calls it. All my followers eat up his content. I can't blame them. He did this in the abandoned house too. Then Tony called, they're neighbors by the way, so there's that. He wanted to hang out which was totally cool. Wacky finished up and we went to the abandoned house again but this time with Tony Bokuto and Wacky’s cousin. They took me back because I had to write my name on the walls in some obscure code word which has my first initial. I chose Anakin and highlighted A (as per suggestion because everybody knows I’m literally Anakin). Tony, Wacky, and his cousin already had theirs but Bokuto still hasn't too so I suggested Volleyball, highlighting the Y. Then we went to one of their other spots. It was like this pop-up cafe and they bought soju and a few other stuff. Oh my god, he did the thing where he acted jealous before we entered the shop because there were other guys inside, then he kissed my forehead. Tony and the others did leave us for a bit because of how perfect we were as a couple (or maybe because we were being annoying), but they came back. They took us to one of the streets where the sun usually sets, and it's like another hangout spot for them. It was pretty, but I sadly had to go. I got my things from Wacky’s place, and his mom and sister were back home, so I met them too. I'm hoping I didn't leave a bad impression. Wacky came with me to drop me back home. He traced my face, and he told me I was pretty. We did get a bit depressing near the end because we both know we have this looming expiration date of when he has to move. We fell asleep facing each other, and then we inevitably separated ways.
When I got back, I rested for a bit, watched Haikyu, showered, then ate with my brother (usual midnight snacks while everybody’s sleeping) since he’s visiting for his Christmas break from college.
Okay, now for the time skip, which I will be encrypting for personal reasons:
Fortnite. I’ve had that phase before. Back when it was still starting up. The skins were limited, it only had a single game mode. My brother told me about it and it’s way different now. I like it.
I want the Anakin skin so bad. I’m putting all my hopes on the 4th of May. I’m hoping it comes back. Fortnite has always been big, but I can see that by the way it’s expanding the game, it’s definitely gonna be of big value in the gaming industry. It’s like Roblox, but with better graphics and everything. I played all afternoon with my brother. We did some guitar hero-looking game, and Lego Fortnite. That’s what took up most of our time. It’s pretty awesome. It wasn't exactly as I had expected, but it was reasonable. I wanted something that allowed me to build block by block but, after some careful considerations, that kind of game would require so much rendering.
I had a pamper night. I took care of myself. It’s been a while. I started pretty late but, I wanted to waste off some time while waiting for Wacky to call me. I do that a lot. I feel like such a loser. My busy life is like down the pipes and now he’s all my days revolve around.
I rise to fall. I don’t mean that in a weird, deep, metaphorical, and philosophical way. I mean that in an “I’m waking up only to go back to my bed and sleep” way. This whole hibernation thing is a real thing. I know it’s getting repetitive, but what can I do? My body refuses to function. Also, my brother is back! I watched more Haikyuu and just played with my baby brother on the side. Other than that, I didn’t have much going on today.
I'm still hibernating. I woke up and helped with Sirko’s sister's package for her friend, then got ready for the day, only to go back to sleep again and watch more Haikyuu. I had about an hour and 30 minutes left before my article’s deadline, and I planned on procrastinating until the very end, but I guess it was in the way of my shower, and I just had to finish it. I completed writing the whole thing in more or less than 20 minutes. I always forget how good of a writer I am. I did my research too. It was the most confusing thing ever, like our panelists gave us a bunch of critiques that were all contradicting. That and they're all just plain wrong. If there’s something I’ll never be intimidated by, it’s something I actually researched on. I mean, arguing with adults has never been a big deal for me. Not in a disrespectful way; in fact, it’s actually quite respectful. If we’re talking about one topic, shouldn't it be a given that researchable facts shouldn't be something made up from thin air? I get it, confidence makes someone seem more credible. But that really won't work on me. Researching is a whole rabbit hole that I always fall for. I knew each time my panelist stated absolute nonsense just for the sake of saying something. I’m guilty of that too, but at least I look smart when I slip on those mistakes. As for my in-depth research, and I’m up for corrections, they told us that we needed a counterpart for purposive sampling method in terms of quantitative. See, while it’s rarely used in quantitative, it’s still used by some. After all, if it works then it does. Our panelist wasn’t exactly someone who studied research, but we have looked everywhere for the counterpart she talked about. It doesn't exist. The weird thing about it is when they asked us to change our conceptual framework from my original IPO, to this format they completely made up and doesn't have a name. It’s because they're apparently trying out new stuff. But they’re asking me to name something they completely made up which is dumb. Then they suggested I redo everything and change it back to IPO. I didn’t anyway. It was good as is. I followed everything. The problem here wasn't us, it was the internal conflict they have from changing up a bunch of formats for the research paper. I remember they strictly asked us to limit the SOP to 3 questions too. Then asked us to add another number on the actual defense. Isn’t that so fun? Just to add on their whole complaint with our conceptual framework too, our research teacher suggested the literal variable only for our panelists to ask us to change it into something more detailed with bullet points and everything. Do they have a hard time reading? We were literally asked to minimize it to 1-3 words per variable so we can put the details in actual paragraphs and make it more in-depth. I think it’s dumb for someone to complain over research papers not being visual enough. If I knew I would've added colors too or something. We decided to not follow that one panelist who had a lot to say. I swear people with more to say know less. They don’t even have research awards to be saying all that. They made up stuff, and I'd know because I actually did my research. I fell asleep early.
Last day of what seemed like endless suffering (school). We're also having our Christmas party. I did my makeup, picked out some last-minute outfit and was an hour late. That’s like half the entire program. I arrived and was pulled into some weird games they made up. We did the whole white elephant thing too. Since I’m a business student, all we did was basically just trade money. I won an award for being late so that’s cool. I took a bunch of pictures with friends, all that usual socializing tradition, then I got quite a handful of gifts which I appreciate a lot. I found Ria and she gave our friend group matching initial bracelets. She had this lore behind mine too. She accidentally stole like one of the bracelets she got, and she’s been emailing the bookstore she got it from. It’s actually funny. She’s the nicest girl ever, I swear. Anyway, she also had my 18th birthday gift. She gave it to me, and when I opened it, I was like in absolute awe. It was this Darth Vader plushie (now in my bed) that smells like this strawberry shortcake doll with scented hair toy I had before. My literal childhood. This is like the best gift ever. She went home with me (after I barely attended our party) because I was picking up my baby brother from school too. We waited in the car, and my baby brother was carrying like a bunch of gifts. Three of them specifically had some girl’s name on it. He’s never beating the gbf allegations from his field trip pictures. But it’s cute, I love it when he gets annoyed whenever I tease him. It’s a sibling thing. Ria is the second person to ever visit my room. I showed her a bunch of my useless stuff. I have a lot. Then finally, we went out for the original plan which was this karaoke date Ria had organized to celebrate my birthday. I told you, nicest girl ever. The car ride to our destination took quite some time so while we tried conversing, I couldn’t help but doze off. She did too. When we woke up, we both agreed that we had “good sleep”. We sleep a lot, so that means it was a really good sleep. Anyway, we were finally there. We had one last obstacle before the finish line. We had to cross the road. See, I wanted to take the easy route and just jaywalk, but Ria had to point out that we could get in jail for that (literally never happens) we were far from the pedestrian, but it’s literally the same thing. One thing about Ria though, she does not know how to cross the road. I swear, she was looking at the direction the cars were headed instead of where they were coming from. That’s very dangerous. I've been to this mall a lot of times, but never as a place to hang out with my friends. I like the new setting. The first thing we did was look for a restroom since I was literally holding my bladder. But we forgot about that and went straight to the karaoke spot me and Ria came for. Sadly, it was fully booked. She tried making reservations from their website, but I guess it didn’t really work out. They were literally uncontactable. We decided to just settle for the one in the arcade. It still had a pretty big room so it was good enough. The song selection wasn’t as good though. Before that, we looked for a place to eat and sat ourselves down. Oh, and I went to the restroom too. We had this set for like a lot of people. I swear like 5 people could share that whole meal. And we ate everything. We set our new record. 17 whole minutes for the biggest meal ever. Okay maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but it was a lot (she paid for the meal too). After that, we patiently waited for our turn in the karaoke room thing and played this racing game that Ria won 5 out of 5 times… We sang a bunch of songs, it was fun. Ria bought herself a lash curler on the way home. I wanted to buy some skincare products, but the one I wanted was out of stock. We eventually parted ways, and I went straight home. Originally, I had planned to finish up the 2 remaining projects I had left when I got home. I was way too tired. I had a long day. Thank you, Ria. I appreciate the day you planned out.
I have a few errands on my list that I need to get over with. Will I be attempting to make progress on some of them? No. I ended up knitting while watching Haikyuu for the whole entire day. I swear I’ll get to them someday. I was about to shower for my night routine when the makeup on my vanity literally called for my attention. I've been wanting to try out this Christmas look I’ve had in mind. I’m a girl. My resolve was to put on some pre-shower makeup. I still haven’t picked out my outfit for the class Christmas party tomorrow, but I’ll do well enough... I think. I did a bunch of TikToks. I feel like I always need to remind everyone that I’m just a teenage girl.
I am up early. I have my finals. I only have one subject and one supplementary test (I am usually out of the country so I’m always missing tests). Both of which are for Literature which means they’re guaranteed perfect grades. I’m on top of my batch; everything is easy. That and I study a lot. Literature tests are usually all about memorization too. That’s my literal field. I arrived at school and took my Form B test first. I’m pretty confident I got a perfect score. I then transferred to the library, and Brie kindly joined. We were loud and got scolded again. This happens a lot. I love spending time with her. We chatted and studied for a bit. She’s a med student, so she had more tests. She sadly had to go early. I just sat there. I reviewed my material, and Skylar and his other friends decided to join me. I feel like 8th grade traumatized me. There was this girl who loathed everything about me just because guys liked being around me. Take note that I’m saying that it in a "I’m just a normal person who knows how to socialize" way. Up to this day, I continue to prove that I never approach anyone, whether girls or guys, and I've always been the one approached. I think I just have the charm for it, but who am I to say. I hate attention and I really only have one actual friend group that I’m willing to stick to and will regularly socialize with. I’m good. The bell rang, and it was finally time to take my last test for the year. The test went well. I’m suspecting like a maximum of 2 mistakes; it shouldn't be that bad. Hopefully. Wacky picked me up from school, and I tried sleeping in his car because I had 3 hours of sleep. He wasn't letting me. We watched Wonka. It was actually a good movie. It wasn't as realistic or as scientifically backed up as the last movie was, but I still enjoyed it. We watched it on IMAX, and we were like the only people in the cinema. Wacky wanted to buy soju for his cousin, so we went to the grocery store and looked for one. I wanted to test out my whole "I'm an adult" card, but I didn't get to. Then we ran into some problem with Wacky and his new phase… we fixed that…… it was like the riskiest thing we’ve both done ever. After that was dealt with, we ate at Pancake House. I wanted to go get coffee, but we ended up there. Wacky's fault, to be honest. He ate like 5 pieces of chicken. He ordered 3 and got 2 more. I had like a waffle and a 1 piece chicken that I couldn't even finish. Wacky had a pen, and we drew stuff on the mat. He made a portrait of me but just wrote something cringe. Then we drew like a house with a duck (him) giving flowers to a raccoon (me) who's mad because there's a bot duck outside the house denting the floor while Spiderman (our friend) is defeating him in a Going Merry ship with Luffy stretching all over the world holding the tip of the sail of our ship. Wow, that sounds like a fever dream. It was all fun and games until my mom texted me saying she was literally at the restaurant across. Ok, maybe not across. Like pretty adjacent I’d say. Scary, but I knew it was the perfect time to introduce Wacky, so I texted my mom that. My nerves were so bad that I got like an iced latte and drank a bit to calm me down. I swear I wasn't stalling for time. Then Wacky met my parents. Literally nothing happened. My mom tried inviting him for dinner, but we already ate, and my dad just acknowledged him because he was on a phone call. Then Wacky left. Then I got myself a new book. I went home and rested.
I am so in love witht his boy I wish I could put it into words.
My Duolingo streak has officially ended at 668 days. It was fun while it lasted. And stressful. I was so busy this week that I didn’t even notice how I’ve been neglecting the bird that has kept me hostage for years now. This isn’t Stockholm Syndrome I swear. It’s okay. It was eventually gonna end anyway. I was an hour late to class again. I’m really living up to my prodigy name I swear. If I were inside literally any film ever, I’d be my favorite character. I’d say my life is very well balanced. I’m insanely smart, but it seems like I’m not taking anything seriously from the amount of absences, lates, and written warnings I have, but at the same time, I can also study for 10 hours straight without burning out. I've been drawing for Skylar’s group of friends for them to post it on social media with their signature. I find it funny. They were literally fighting over who’d get to post which drawing. I’m not about all that social media thing, so it’s cool even when they’re taking credit for it. Our research was insane. We had our defense today, and I totally carried. I answered everything, not just questions thrown at me, but literally every question ever. We’re considered the smart group, and what was only supposed to be a meeting for 20 minutes turned into an hour of debate. I specifically could cite everything I had said from the paper. The problem we did have was that we made the panelists and research teachers fight each other. It’s not my fault their conflict is reflecting on their students. They asked us to change quite a lot of stuff, but I could also tell that they were saying quite a lot of absolute nonsense. I’m a smart person; I can tell when people are talking for the sake of talking. In their case, they just had to make remarks I know full well are empty. That was one tiring hour. It did pay off since after we got out of the conference room, all I could hear was a bunch of praises on how I saved everyone’s butt. You’re welcome.
I got home and studied. Well, not immediately, but I still did. I'm having my finals tomorrow. I FaceTimed with Brie, and I fixed my whole study setup to make her watch me study. I’m an academic weapon. I can manage. Somehow, I can study better when I’m studying in bed. I do always have the risk of falling into the traps of my comfy bed and falling off for the rest of the night, but other than that, I think studying in bed boosts my productivity. Weirdly enough…
I’m not big on showing off, but I do with Wacky a lot. One of my friends even purposely disabled my phone from how much I showed him off. He’s so perfect.
I wasn’t too rushed with my study schedule. I knew I had to flip through my research, but I can do that tomorrow. I’ll probably study my part and make the PowerPoint for that later too. I watched a few episodes of the anime I’ve been watching and wasted a lot of time. Early on the evening, we had this problem with this one classmate who threw some weird tantrum in the class group chat. That alone would’ve been fine, but he temporarily left our research group too. He might not be the dumbest person, but he’s not really that much of an asset either. I handled everything, made a new group chat, discussed all that needed discussions, and unlike his very taxing constant state of panic and worry, I just delegated the tasks and finished to leave the rest of preparations for tomorrow when we have the facility to. He, despite leaving, was messaging me and my other friend since he seemed like not having control and demand (that usually is never followed) was eating him up. He left and was letting his emotions affect school projects. I’m petty; if I had the chance, I would've kicked him out. Then I studied for my Media and Literature test tomorrow. I actually studied a lot more. I studied the whole syllabus not knowing I was only supposed to study like a single unit. Too bad, I guess I just have to retain the extra ones I learned too. And when I say studied, I meant it in a "I memorized my whole notes word per word" way. I’m good.
I’ve been sleeping a lot earlier recently. It feels nice knowing my workload is slowly decreasing. I can’t wait for school to end. The first thing I did waking up was actually to knit a row on my current project. I cleaned up my room, and everything is just feels so peaceful right now.
Something I noticed from my baby brother’s lessons is that they changed the traditional way of teaching phonics into sight words. That’s pretty dumb. I mean, it’s always better to be able to critically think and construct your own words in your mind and not just mindlessly memorize a bunch of random words. I remember when I first started learning how to read (and I was advanced), I used to read every single sign I saw, and I was so proud of myself. I don’t know when these changes happened, and as much as I love advancing, I don’t think this is the best approach for teaching kids how to read on their own. I did a bunch of statement of financial positions, comprehensive incomes, and cash flows for our proposed business. It was definitely a tedious and time-consuming task. We have the most to do because we had the most products and other extra stuff. I’m not exactly in charge of that; I usually just do the math for everything. I caved in and started watching Haikyuu - probably the only anime I have yet to watch because of my stubbornness in not watching something that was popular during the pandemic. I’m over that now, and it’s actually a pretty promising show. I did my nails! It’s breaking, and I’m trying out a band-aid solution so it doesn't completely break. I don't think this is the best idea ever, but I'll at least try. I did gel black chrome nails! Very pretty. I also played a few rounds of hide and seek with my baby brother. There was this one instance when he hid in this dark spot and ended up finding his hiding spot too scary, so he suddenly screamed he couldn't hide anymore because he was too scared. He’s so funny, I swear. Not that revealing his hiding spot mattered; he’s usually always talking, breathing so loud, or making unnecessary noises and movements, so he’s really easy to find.
I once told my parents about the health benefits of eggs. While there are numerous studies supporting that statement, I initially learned about it from a teacher. It all started as a suggestion since I was a kid prone to getting sick often. But since that day, they’ve been boiling eggs for me every single day. Whenever I enter their room, I always find a hard-boiled egg too.
I was on a call with Wacky last night and fell asleep on him again. Then I woke up at around 4 AM, possibly waking him up too. He told me to go back to sleep. Not long after, at around 7 AM, I woke up again, which also woke him up. So, he made me go back to sleep. Eventually, we both woke up at around 10 AM to start the day, or so he thought. But really, I just went back to sleep again. An hour later, I woke up and played with my baby brother for a bit. Then I slept some more, and even more after that. I seriously slept the entire day. I attempted knitting, but it was unsuccessful.
I went back on the call with Wacky right before bed, we talked about the ever so devastating date: January 20th. I'm so in awe of how much he values me, but we both know it won't work like that. Not with the time and distance. I cried.
Time does not pressure me at all. I left my house 20 minutes after my first period had already begun. I knew I was going to be late, so I might as well take my time. I am also well aware that we’re not really having any discussions, so really, nothing is that deep even if I decided I wanted to skip. I’m a very smart person. When I got to school, the only thing I did was plan for our upcoming Christmas party. The rest was free time. During PE, we gossiped with the coach over some recent rumors going around school. Then I decided to bail on everyone and buy myself carbonara. I bought my friends fries too because I’m really nice. I did have an oral exam today. Not to worry, I obviously aced it. In fact, the perfect score was already guaranteed before I even answered. My teacher had this luck-based roulette that would determine which question we would get based on your spin, but there was also this small chance of being able to read from your notes. I have insanely lucky hands. I even announced it in class before spinning. Good thing I didn’t have to eat my words. I had research consultation after, and that’s about it.
Somebody called me a goldfish. That's funny.
It’s my birthday! I am 18. This might take a while to process. Will I ever find myself out of the workshop? I doubt I’m equipped with enough knowledge for anything ever. If I do, it’s probably too limited for use. What if I don’t want to leave? I want to stay home where I can take off all my shoes, socks, and jacket. I don’t want the weight that comes with this age. I’m a defect. There’s no potential to be preserved. No one can salvage an already molded can. I’m past my shelf life with the life expectancy of too soon. I’d rather be stored in the far back of a cupboard. I’ll collect all the dust in the world. I don’t want to move forward. You can tidy up someone that only takes up space for all I care; I’ll find a corner and hold on to my childhood.
It is currently 12 AM, and I am on a Facetime call with Sirko. I am very happy. I received her package not too long ago, and I’m opening it now. I’ve been waiting for this. At 12, I read her letter, which took so long. I had very long side comments that branched out into whole conversations with each sentence that I read. I’m grateful to have her as my friend. Then, of course, I opened her actual gift. She got me this frog stuffed toy. I named her Musho. She looks like a mushroom. She also added in some items from Sephora. The best ever.
I don’t have any birthday plans. I will not be hosting a party, not even a hangout. I have a dance recital today and an orthodontist appointment. So, I did those. At the dance recital, my friends were telling birthday jokes, so that was fun. They remembered. After I performed, I actually fell asleep then snuck out of the event, so when they called on me to receive the awards on stage, I was gone. When I was about to be picked up, my baby brother actually got me flowers. That’s the sweetest thing ever. I changed my clothes in the car and went to my appointment. I experienced the worst pain ever. Whatever braces adjustment they did, all I knew was that I desperately needed painkillers. Everything hurts, I am mentally drained, and my heart is heavy. I cried. Maybe, I was using the physical pain as an excuse to cry. I knew that I was sad. I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly was making me sad, but I knew I was. When I got home, I saw that my mom had bought me a gift, set up the table with more flowers and balloons, and prepared my favorite food along with a cake for me to make a wish. I’m glad they care. I don’t think I’ve celebrated my birthday in a while. I’m always throwing myself a solo pity party. I swear I’m not doing it on purpose.
I had a very generous amount of sleep today. I slept at around 11:50, which is by far the earliest I’ve slept in a while. I’m getting the hang of it. The finance, production, logistics, and marketing were all well-linked. I felt like I was playing Overcooked or one of those pizzeria games. I was taking orders, writing them down, delivering my lines like an absolute NPC, and doing some easy math. It was actually very fun. We even gained some loyal customers who placed large orders. The marketing team recruited some kids from the first day to advertise for us too. It was chaotic. The kids were shoving our posters into their teachers' faces. We did have a sabotaging incident that we thought was an accident yesterday. Someone unplugged all our appliances, and we had to pause taking orders for some of our menu items. We also ran out of oil, so the production team had to order some online and hope for the best. Despite all that, we pushed through. Special thanks to Brie because she lined up at our booth, which had an incredibly long line, just to show her support for me. A real friend right there. At the end of the day, I was finally given the chance to sit down. My body had probably ceased all communication with my brain. I didn’t even know that I was this tired. When I stood back up, I felt my legs wobble and literally fell down. At least I know that the day was successful. We ended the day with an unbelievable amount of money in my cashbox. I didn’t even want to handle it. We counted everything, did more auditing, and submitted it to our supervisors. That was it for our business. It was definitely a learning experience. I would definitely do this again. I wish I could thank everyone for the immense support. Our Business Education Week is officially over. The results of the competition came out today. We won every single award except for one. We were the best in profitability, the best booth, the best in marketing, and of course, the major award of being the overall champion. The one we didn’t win was, I think, something related to food criteria. But that was just stupid since I don’t think the judges understood that lattes aren’t meant to be sweet. Well, we can’t have all the awards entirely; they'd think it’s rigged. Everyone in our class participated. Not a single person was dormant, and I think that our class bond and dynamic are really awesome. We’ve been the talk of the school for a couple of days now. Some context on this event: our upperclassmen who have already graduated, and the ones before them too, have actually been losing this business competition. It’s good to reclaim our spots back. To be fair, I did figure out why they probably have been losing. It’s because the other strands didn’t necessarily have a limit on their markups. Basically, a scam. But it’s all good. We won even in our condition. Some valuable things I learned are that: 1. Coins are very important 2. I can pick myself back up as long as I’m adaptable and 3. It’s not that scary to invest - as long as you’re smart about it, that is.
It’s going to be a very long day, and I need to be mentally prepared. It’s the start of our Business Education Week, which means it’s also the opening for our class business. Our marketing team, led by Skylar, did such a good job that we are by far the most popular and anticipated by customers. Failing is not an option. We invested our own money as a class to fund this too. We’re not looking to breakeven; we need to make a profit. We have quite a lot of competition, but it should be okay. I printed a bunch of flyers early in the morning and got to school early. We had a short meeting about the system the other finance member has constructed. He had printed out guides, and I quickly memorized them. This is where the problem started. I’ll get to that later. When the ribbon was cut, there was already a line that formed before I could even react. It was incredibly long. I was on the cashier too since I was the only one smart and fast enough for it. For the first few minutes, we were all in a state of panic. I quickly regained my composure and decided to scrap the system that was suggested earlier. It wasn’t working out for me, and it wasn’t working out for the production team either. I had to adapt. There were too many things to be memorized, and there was this weird formula I had to follow. So I made a few adjustments. Everything that followed, went by very smoothly. You're welcome. I was very efficient with my tasks. I was conversing with the customers, taking orders, computing change, and posting the said orders up. It was a foolproof system. There was not a single moment when I could rest. For almost 8 hours straight, I had my hands busy on soemthing. I didn’t have any replacements either because nobody else was up for it. That and everybody else already had their own tasks. Just before the second wave, which was recess for the other students on campus, we ran out of change. We needed small bills and coins. I was ordering some of my other classmates to go exchange them with literally anyone. Another person came to help me at the front desk, and we made a pretty good duo. We sold all our products before lunch. And in case you’re wondering, we were selling milkshakes, coffee, pastries, other sweets, and savory foods. It was a lot. Props to the production team for keeping up with all the orders I took. I was so fast-paced. After that, since we had an early leave, I was called to the overall finance department to audit our profit for the day. The non-business students were struggling so much that we had to help them. They were forced to balance their logs and literally making up numbers. So we ended up computing their net and sales revenue. Anyway, our first day was great. We had a little meeting before going home and talked about increasing our inventory by three times. We had quite the high demand anyway.
I am the biggest Studio Ghibli fan. I’ve watched almost all of Hayao Miyazaki’s films. I find comfort in all his undefined and open endings. I even listen to Joe Hisaishi’s pieces as often as I drink my water. I was on the hunt for The World of Ghibli’s Animation Exhibition Bangkok 2023 located on the top floor of CentralWorld. I got tickets and was actually one of the first few people to enter. It was pretty early in the morning, but it was the most perfect time. I got to enjoy the whole exhibit almost all to myself. We were given this ink stamp booklet to collect as a little activity at each Studio Ghibli film station we went to. The whole exhibit was filled with extremely detailed installations and objects. At some of the stations, you could line up for and get some interactive pictures. Everything was so well-made. The films that had an entire station appearance were the following (in my best attempt to keep them in order): Nausicaa of the Valley, Howl’s Moving Castle, Castle in the Sky, Kiki’s Delivery Service, Porco Rosso, My Neighbor Totoro, Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, Porco Rosso, Spirited Away, and Pom Poko. My favorite part of this was the Hall of Fame, which was a whole section dedicated to Studio Ghibli’s sketches. I used to be very obsessed with Studio Ghibli’s animation process. It is not a phase. I have so much respect for the animators behind my favorite films. It was filled with detailed concept sketches, animation frames, image boards, dialogues, shot divisions, layouts, notes, and everything! I was completely overwhelmed. Sadly, I had to part with this exhibit. Before I left, I got some postcards as a keepsake. I got myself a drink at Tim Hortons before checking out from our hotel. Then we went straight to the airport. My academic responsibilities are never leaving me. I received a call from the class to sort out a certain problem they had. I worked on the finance team (highest-paid), and I listened to everyone’s ideas and concerns and just made it more coherent so they’d stop arguing.
I am seventeen and I have a lot of girlhood I need to catch up to. The only thing on our itinerary is shopping. The chosen mall for this was Siam Paragon, my favorite mall. I only had one thing in mind: I wanted to go to their Sephora. Since our hotel was only a block away (which I found out through Google Maps), we walked the mile to the mall. After following my mom and her best friend around for a bit, we finally found ourselves in Sephora. I got a huge haul. I restocked on some favorites, got the drops from Drunk Elephant, the Sol De Janeiro 68s, and a couple of other items too. It was very expensive, but I am just a girl. There was also this encounter where we helped out this girl with her little wardrobe problem. We had ramen for lunch, and I chose the spicy option. It stained my all-white fit. Then, there was this area on the top floor that had a bunch of toys and stationery on the same floor. While my mom spent a little more than an hour shopping for Christmas decor, I was adopting bears. I made one for me and one for Sirko. I’ve been collecting stuff for her gift basket I’m sending out to her soon. I dressed up both the bears I got for us with backward blue caps. It’s an inside joke. It’s the default set. I also got hers a pair of glasses. I was having so much fun I couldn’t help myself from spoiling it to her. She named hers Saco. I bought my bear a few other outfits too in case of certain occasions. Then of course, I didn’t forget about Wacky. I finally found an actual realistic duck stuffed toy. I had so much fun in that section. We went back to the hotel since my mom wanted to drop off her haul. I took that time to fix my things up. When staying at a hotel, I’m the type to never unpack my suitcase. I’ll keep it organized inside and reach for them inside when I need to use them. It keeps me from worrying about leaving my stuff at the hotel after check out. After that, we visited this new Ikea in Sukhumvit. If I’m not mistaken, I think the opening of it occurred literally just yesterday. There was this whole concert inside too. They must’ve been a pretty popular band since the people seemed to be singing along to their songs quite well. I don’t really know them, so I just walked past it. We went inside the store, and my mom got some stuff. I bought my baby brother the Blahaj shark, and I got one of those stuffed toy vegetable sets. My stuffed children back home need food too. We ate dinner
We have a day tour today. The schedule was moved last minute to an earlier hour, so I had to wake up extra early. I had bacon for breakfast. Last year, I declared that Thailand bacon was on top of my bacon rankings. I have yet to be proven wrong. We were picked up by a car that took us to the bus area. We met with a bunch of old people and my mom’s friends. We had a 2-hour-long ride. I do remember that we did take a short 15-minute stop at a convenience store. It’s the same one we went to last year if my memory isn’t failing me, and I think that's a pretty cool coincidence. What are the chances? We went to this non-cruelty elephant attraction trail and river thing. The whole place had huge elephant turds scattered around. They didn’t reek of any smell, though, so that was cool. I interacted with an elephant. Well, it was more like me petting it a couple of times and trying to act like I was an animal whisperer. It was fun seeing them up close. I mean, really close, no restrictions. They were taking a bath by the river. It’s a shame that I wasn’t made aware of this; I would’ve brought extra clothes with me. We then went to this buffet thing for lunch. The food was surprisingly average. The next thing we visited was the Death Railway in Kanchanaburi. It was originally built during World War 2 and had a pretty horrible history behind it. Beside it was the Krasae Cave, which we checked out too. It took us 3 hours to get back to the city. During the bus ride, I finished some of my pending writings. We looked around some night markets. The only one I can remember is Pratunam. We ate at McDonald's, and for fast food, I’m giving it a chef's kiss. Thai food will never fail to satisfy my taste buds. We wasted the rest of the night shopping at the Platinum Malls and other random shops.
I was sleepwalking to the airport. My mom and her best friend are having another trip, and I was tagged along. We went to the lounge, and since my eyes were already closed, it wasn’t that hard for me to drift off to sleep. I don’t even remember boarding the plane. In the blink of an eye (thanks to my great ability of falling asleep at will), I found myself in Thailand before I could even notice. I was with one of my aunts too. My first purchase was a bottle of milk and a sandwich. While waiting for our ride to the hotel, I adjusted my headphones' equalizer. I love it when the music in my ears is crisp. We rested for a bit in our hotel then went out before the day ended. I was starving. I especially love this country for its food, so obviously, we went to the night food market to have a feast. It had the most distinct mouthwatering smell ever. It wasn’t emanating from any particular food, but if it were a food itself, I can assure you it would taste good. After all, it was just a mix of every Thai dish offered in that location. We were in front of the CentralWorld mall. They were hosting a Pokémon event (more on Pikachu). After our meal, we went inside the mall, and I simply followed my mom. I didn’t buy anything. Music kept me company as I walked around and soaked in the new environment. To be completely honest, that might’ve been what I’ve been missing these past few weeks. I haven’t been listening to music since I’ve been so busy, which also means I haven’t been able to drown out my thoughts. I still feel kind of empty. But I’m fine. I’ll be fine again. After my mom finished shopping, we stopped by Big C and picked up a few grocery items. Upon returning to the hotel, I rested for a bit, cleaned myself up, and then went to sleep to ensure I got enough rest for the following day.
My scheduled graduation picture, started at around 8:30 AM, so I decided I'd be late. I really do control my own time. I was supposed to drop my little brother off for his field trip around 6 AM, which meant I had to wake up incredibly early, but I just couldn't. Anwyay, I eventually took my graduation shot. We had to dress up as movie characters too for creative shots. I chose Anakin, obviously. I didn't let the makeup artists touch my face. But I did have them do my hair - a rookie mistake. I did my hair before that, and it was way better. They tried adding glitters and falsies, but it didn't work out, so I removed them. I quickly took the formal shot and the other in costume. The photographer was a Star Wars fan, so he had a bunch of ideas for me to try out. He got so excited.
I have another date with Wacky. He just got back from another trip! For some weird reason, whenever we meet up, it's always the day before I have to go on a flight or the day he has just departed (or something along those lines). He wanted to walk me from school, but it didn't work out because he was stopped and was asked for an ID. I met him halfway, and then we went to the mall. He ate; I genuinely just don't eat. It's a problem I've had for so long. Oh my god, he gave me Star Wars socks; he's completing the arsenal, he says. I got Biscoff because it's physically impossible for me not to get it whenever I go there. We met this dog at the dog cafe, and the dog was obsessed with Wacky. It was so attractive how good he was with dogs. He showed me some dog tricks he had up his sleeves, and I was literally falling in love with him all over again. We played with the dog for some time. We walked around until he decided he wanted to watch a movie, but the mall we were at had no good shows. I told him no, but he found a way to watch anyway and took me to another mall. I like being with him. We stayed silent during the ride, and he just made himself comfortable... I like it. We were late to the movie by a minute. He made me run (I didn't, but I was struggling, and I was so out of breath). We watched the movie (Trolls Band Together - All I remember if I'm being honest), as originally intended. Then I showed him around because this mall is literally my second home. I'm here probably three times or more a week. It's pretty here. He got Coco, and then I showed him some hangout spots, especially Sirko and mine’s spot, where her and I first hung out. He wanted to go to the bookstore and as far as I know, he has only read two Harry Potter books. It surprised me that he would ask that. I am proud of him. I found out there's a new book in one of my collections. I'll get back to that some other time. I have too much on my to-be-read pile. After that, he suggested we do the TikTok trend I sent him a few weeks back. Oh, I forgot about the part where he was tormenting me with his weird (sorry, Wacky) Donald Duck and Spongebob impressions. I was running away from him, and then the paper bag that had my costume broke, so I made him carry it. I am literally so in love with him. We went upstairs to another hangout spot. It's best for filming TikToks because there aren't that many people there. We sat down for a bit, then set up our stuff in our first location. We failed. It's the couple’s trend where you walk back and bump into each other, then kiss under the sound of "Out Of My League." We (he) choreographed our own because I wanted to do lightsaber tricks. We did this for like an hour straight. I was so convinced we had that many takes because he just wanted to kiss me, but we were both so sweaty, it became an actual perfectionist issue (his). We changed locations, and this time we actually succeeded. I was having the best time ever. It was fun, and I felt genuinely happy. We rested in between takes because it was that serious. When we finished, we went to buy water. He was also getting really comfortable in the grocery aisles. Then we went down to the spot that Sirko and I love. We sat and had a recap of the day. He was giving me kisses the whole day, like a lot of them. Even when I was about to leave, he followed up with 30 more. I got my brother's drive-thru food. My baby brother told me all about his field trip too. There was this zipline activity that he ended up not doing because he was too scared. The way he tells his stories is always so funny. I have a flight tomorrow, and I have to be up by like 3 am. I stayed up doing my research. No wonder I feel dead; I haven't even gotten proper sleep in a while. The time I spent with Wacky today replayed like a broken record over and over again until I fell asleep.
My class is currently on the blacklist of many teachers. Not that it concerns me as much. I feel awful right now. I did something stupid. I altered something I shouldn’t have. This is an important lesson for me, but I lack the confidence to address it. I was foolish. When will I stop making mistakes? Why is everything going so wrong recently? After school, I treated myself to a self-care day. I did my usual pamper routine at the mall, painted my nails pink chrome, and so on. Upon returning home, I worked on my research paper for a marketing plan and had a productive video call with Brie. Despite feeling very sad, I cannot afford to neglect myself. I'll get over it.
I'm not sure why, but I've been lacking the sense of urgency to do any of my deadlines. I feel so overwhelmed and burnt out. I asked Brie to call me and I’ve been inviting her from time to time but it hasn’t been working since she’s busy. I am in such bad need for company. As much as I hate to admit it, I wallow in self-pity when I’m left to my own devices. I called Skylar and we did our homework, which turns out we had the same ones since we always get the math parts of group works. I tried memorizing my script. It's a huge mark on my grade but for some reason, I'm being so lenient on myself. I'm scared for the outcome of my own leniency but I can't be hard on myself right now. I think I’m on this weird defense mode. I am so close to losing it all. I've never been so easy with myself. I had a rap battle with Skylar and everything.
I can’t fall apart now. I’m not letting it happen. Band-aids will do for now. I’m not gonna let myself be unguarded. I have my pride and ego to thank for. It keeps me going every day. Obviously, I am still a human being, and I struggled in getting out of my frozen state. I had Starbucks to start the day. I feel empty. I Facetimed Sirko and now we’re two empty people. I memorized more materials while Sirko did her own set of homework. I made a few summary notes too. We talked about some dumb stuff. We made fun of people (I know, how horrible, but you can’t tell me that you haven’t done this too). I hope I get a bad dream so it cancels my overdue karma out and I don’t experience anything worse. Sirko has ended and started her new day and I was still studying. I am very distracted. I’m fixated on the post-its that I had on my desk. I was drawing Wacky. My mind is outside the gutter. I am memorizing and I’m trying my best to retain that memory. I went into a very depressing loophole today. The only thing good about today is that I watched Pewdiepie again and I swear I love his new videos. Contrary to those who think that he’s changed, I appreciate how he has matured over the last decade. I like his reading videos. His new one that I watched today was about him learning how to draw. If you’ve watched him for long enough, you’d be proud of the things he’s trying out. I’ve always been a sidequest person. It’s part of me to learn new things all the time. I made my baby brother watch the Five Nights At Freddy’s lore. I also taught him about the milk cartons and cereal trick so he doesn't have to get a bowl. He's so proud of it he wants to make it his packed lunch for school tomorrow. He told us he’d show it to his teacher. He usually cries after school whenever I pick him up because he gets like a scolding a day, but it’s great to see him still get excited over impressing his teacher. It feels so cruel whenever he has to experience those, but I get it, he won't learn without some mistakes here and there. Any kid usually starts with only love to give. Why does this kind of love always get spoiled eventually? So yeah, I’ve been doing all that instead of memorizing my script.
I love the rain. It mutes everything around me. It mutes me.
I am crying because of my grades. Not that anything is wrong with them, it’s just that I wouldn’t be on the top of the rankings anymore. We have different teachers for the same subject in different classes, and my friend who wasn’t exactly as smart as me got hundreds on what should’ve been a hard subject. My whole class (we’re in Class A, the smartest) all agreed that the highest our Finance teacher could give was like an A. She got a hundred on hers because her teacher had a different set of easier lessons. Isn’t that unfair? And she was complaining over how one of my smart classmates went to her to tell her that the grades were rigged. It honestly was. But I guess the game of luck takes part in this too. I went to Skylar for some advice on a couple of problems I’ve been having. He has always been my go-to. To be fair, a year ago, our roles were completely swapped. He was at his lowest last year. I’m following in his footsteps. I think I just unlocked a new level of maturity. I've been so unmotivated lately. Obviously, I'm still doing well since I can turn off my mind and do the work needed to be done, but I don't enjoy it and I think it's because I'm realizing how arbitrary everything is. That certain things won't have exact results just because you prepared for it hard enough. And that’s okay. I read a new manhwa and procrastinated a lot today. By the time I did get myself to move, I shortly found out that the teachers have yet to upload the materials that we needed to study. Skylar has a good relationship with his parents. Although mine isn't as bad, he told me to ask my parents for some advice too. I’ve been trying to talk to them but they think so little of me I want to cry (I did cry). This is the first time I'm saying this where I actually mean it with all my heart, bro, I want to give up. I think I've lost the gloss in my eyes. Everything is shifting. Everything was so overwhelming that now it's all bland.
Another relatively early start for my day. I woke up to snooze my alarm and saw Wacky’s name spelled out on my screen. I’m on a call with him again. I’m using that as a boost to power up for the day. I think the best asset that I have for school is the folder that I carry around everywhere. It makes everything easier. I swear by it. Being a girl frustrates me a lot. I always have to try twice as hard. I always have something to prove. None of that is ever credited though. Isn't it such a tragic curse? They always question everything I do. It's unfair. One can say that maybe I'm just horrible at what I do. Maybe I don't deserve that much merit. But it’s still cruel for all the talents I have and effort I put. It’s a good thing that my mind is well adjusted for situations like this. Everything is a decent opportunity. I think people underestimate the power of being underrated. I’ll let people misunderstand me. It’ll hurt them twice as hard when I prove them wrong. My teacher got mad at me today because of reasons that I still can’t quite formulate. I'm literally going to be the first present for our speech thing. I literally have a hundred in her class. But she was making dumb remarks talking about this girl who's presenting on the first day who has yet to have her paper checked. I've had my paper checked. There was only one other dude and he has for sure had his paper checked and he wouldn’t be forgotten. He's on top of the class. But my grades are higher than his. But he's always acknowledged. Mine aren't. Ever. It's so unfair. Why is this always something I have to worry about? Witches hunt witches too. Today’s the second day of the event my school has. My friend Rhett is having another band performance. It’s their first time playing for our school again after a long while of not being able to. They’ve come a long way. They’ve opened for some popular artists and even had concerts of their own. I’m proud of them.
I have an observation. Recently, I’ve been giving people the eye. Everything has been setting me off. I am the type of person to always smile and give people fist bumps and high fives in the hallways. Anyway, I bought food for lunch and met up with Ria at the library. She introduced me to this quiet dude who was doodling. Pretty cool. We had mass after and I just played the Watermelon (Suica) game the whole time. It’s my new obsession. I skipped club today (with consent) and filmed an advertisement for my Marketing class. It was so last minute. My teacher literally went up to us and informed us to film one and pass it by midnight. She wasn't even on today’s class schedule
I did not struggle out of bed today. This might just be the earliest I have ever woken up this year. I am not late. I have also made the conscious decision to stop bringing a bag to school. The bag I had barely had anything in it anyway. I’d usually bring my calculator, 3 lip products, and like concealer that I never touch. I am in the Christmas spirit. It’s not just because of Sabrina’s new EP. Sirko is also giving me this Christmas basket. We’re trading! Isn’t that the cutest? My whole class applauded me for coming to class early. Not exactly the best response since that’s like giving me appreciation for not doing something bad for once. I’m not complaining though. I’m only getting away with this because of how incredibly smart I am. We had a bunch of essays we had to write for our entrepreneurship class today. We were given 10 questions to answer with 5 sentences each. Our time was very limited. Since we were our teacher’s favorite class, she made it 3 sentences each. We still were not able to complete the task on time. Okay well, I did. But not the rest of the class. We’re still talking about taxes in our Finance class but since one of my classmates who has been taking leaves of absences for his military training academy thing came, our teacher just gave us free time so that the dude could have time to catch up. Our PE class was separated into 2 (not in a 1:1 ratio). The dancers, and the non-dancers. I was picked to be in one of the dancers. We’re gonna have a folk recital. Which means I’m getting another hundred this semester. Our school had this event and the campus was filled with food stalls. We had 2 hours of lunch and Tony joined us! The last class I had was research, which means more free time. I was so hungry after school that I was regurgitating. I was so close to vomiting. I carpooled with Brie and got Panda Express. She came with me to get dropped off somewhere on the way. When I got home, I fell straight asleep. That was a pretty long day. Oh, Skylar and I did a bunch of TikToks. He asked me to put all of them in the shared album and I swear this is a repeat of 8th grade. I was originally gonna study before sleeping, but the test we had for tomorrow was moved. I spent the rest of the night on a call with Wacky.
Me and Wacky finally slept called again. It's been a while. It's because we’ve both been so unavailable recently. He would be in another country, I'd be in another country, he’d have people over, I'd have more tests coming up, all that stuff. He woke me up so I was greeted with smile on my face first thing in the morning. He was so cute about it too. But then he had to go after literally interrupting my sleep. He really just woke me up for no reason. He was so insistent too. I was telling him to stay with me instead and don't go but all I'd get is a giggle. When he did eventually leave, I fell right back into my bed and slept. Sorry, wacky. I woke up, ate rice then made myself some toast and coffee. I studied a bit of math… not really… not even at all. I just asked some classmates what the concept was about. I'll wing it on the day of the test (tomorrow, first class). I once again, memorized the new lessons cover to cover in theology. It sucked. I got a folding table and put it beside my bed and studied there. It boosted my productivity by a lot. I really need to buy those bed tables in Ikea. High risk, hard reward. The risk of my head touching the pillow and sleeping in through the rest of the night, but the best memorizing environment I’m finding myself to be at. Look, I don't know how it works, but it does. I studied got crazy. The usual. I know I’ve already ranted about this before, but our theology teacher not only gives out test questions that weren’t discussed or in topic, but she also gives out false information. Especially with dates.
I slept through my alarm. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, picked the first outfit I touched, and headed straight to school. I cannot afford to be late. Today is field trip day. It’s a good thing that my friend bought me McDonald's on his way to school. Being the only person in class missing from attendance, I was about to be left behind by the bus. But by some weird chance, our teacher was late too. We couldn't possibly go without a teacher accompanying us. How the gods favor me. The bus ride wasn't too bad. I slept through the whole duration, and before I knew it, we were already at the destination. We’re going to be farming. The first thing I noticed (besides the sun blinding us) was that it smelled like flowers. The environment was very pretty. We did a couple of activities. The first one being chili pepper picking. We were taught to properly pick, then were given small plastic bags to fill in for us to keep. I was actually pretty good at it. One of the guys there even helped me and gave me a handful. We also got to cut out calabash. They were pretty big. Then we planted our own plant. I’m not quite sure what it was, but I had like a small soil with a sprout then dug up space for it and just buried it. It was very simple. The next activity was making newspaper pots and putting another plant inside of it. We get to keep that one too. Then we fished, which I was an absolute prodigy at. It took me 3 seconds to catch one. The rest struggled a lot, and it took a while for the second person to catch another after me. I’m honoring this achievement to all the digital fishing mini games I've ever played. Now for the dirtiest part of the trip. I honestly thought that I wouldn't have had to participate because of how messy things would have gotten, but without second thoughts, I went into the muddy water. We planted small rice seeds, and I could feel the tadpoles swimming around my feet. It was honestly so disgusting. The ground was very slimy, and I could feel all kinds of textures. After that whole thing, I tried washing my feet, but I was met with someone spraying hose water on everyone. I was soaking wet. But I was free and having fun. We rode carabaos next. We went by a short route that had a dip midway. It was funny. Before we left, we washed ourselves and changed our clothes. I ate the lunch takeout my friend bought for me, and that was the end of it. Best believe I had a thorough shower when I got home. And that’s coming from someone who showers in an irregular amount daily.
Did my teachers have a meeting and decide it was taxation day? Almost all the classes I took today only talked about taxes. I had to memorize a lot of laws around it too. Academics are taking over my brain again. I was cramming a few other subjects too. This caused a need for compensation in my body. I was famished. I needed carbohydrates. So I went on a quest to find a very specific meal. After I consumed my recovery sustenance, I got back on my feet and did research. School drained me out. I have been so incredibly busy these past few months that my calendar is a mess. It's almost at the point of being unsalvageable
I woke up early and went to the testing site with my parents. They dropped me off, and I was just hoping for the best. I'm not exactly the most prepared for this, but my brother did get into this college. I only applied for the top colleges, and this is by far the one I'm least concerned about. My brother warned me about it, and I have no plans to pursue this. Before I entered the building, I was already hearing about how the Science portion of it was really hard. I brushed this aside, knowing I've always excelled in this subject. I was wrong. After the test, I was exhausted. The overall test wasn't the hardest, but I think the science part is the worst I've done on a test yet. The test ended pretty late, and I was empty. I'm tired and overwhelmed. I'd write details about this day, but I don't think I have it in me to write any more. It's not helping that my talk with Wacky today is pretty depressing too.
The bell thing that's supposed to wake us up was echoing through the hallways first thing in the morning. We an early mass. My eyes were barely open. We had breakfast too, which woke me up for quite a bit, but I am most definitely not a morning person. Not with my current sleeping pattern, that is. I had a lollipop. Lane gave it to me. The bus ride back was interesting. The seat I was assigned to was dirty. I refused to sit down. That was until Ria laid down her jacket in my seat. It was the sweetest thing ever. I appreciate her so much. She has this aura that makes you feel really comfortable. When I got home, I took no time heading straight to the shower. I took a 3-hour shower, a short break, a 2-hour shower, another break, then one last hour for safety measures. After that, I slept for 6 whole hours straight. Before that, I tried convincing Wacky to eat a meal because he's sick and hasn't been eating anything. I also just found out that Sabrina finally released her new Holiday EP. I am a sucker for it. It's called Fruitcake, and it's the most amazing thing ever. I am obsessed. I'm playing it on loop. She revived the Christmas spirit I've lost in years. I took a bunch of Christmas-themed pictures just because I was in a good mood. Around nighttime, I finished the speech I was assigned to. My topic was especially hard since there was no previous research done on that subject. I think I did a pretty great job making things up, though. Don't worry, I'm a high achiever; this all comes easy to me. I was very productive. I reviewed a few of my past lessons too. I have another college test to take tomorrow. How tiring.
I woke up really early to meet up with the people in my class. We're riding a bus to the mountains. It's like this thing my school has where we're supposed to cleanse and be closer to God or whatever. We weren't allowed to have our phones, so most of us brought dummy phones. I was not an exception. Ria gave me a letter too! Back when we were in grade school, it was part of the program to give out letters to your friend. Honestly, that whole thing was just a popularity check. I've always been great with people. I remember having a huge lot of letters. When we got into our dorms, we put all of our bags down, and everyone started settling in. I was beside Ria and Sine. There was this one annoying girl who has always been kind of infamous who was staying close to us, but I wasn't minding her. Sine was doing all the entertaining, and I was being nice. The day was actually very long. I ate so much too. I had breakfast at home before meeting up with everyone since I figured the ride would be long, but the moment we got here, they gave us like snacks already. Not an hour in, we had breakfast. How do they fit all that eating into one day? While on that topic, we also had like lunch, another afternoon snack, and dinner. They all tasted pretty decent. Some of the ones served were stale, but it was edible, and that's all that matters. Our speaker was pretty cool. He came from France, and he had a lot of experiences to tell. It's sad that he walked out on us before the night ended. I slept a lot. The room the program happened in was like a huge fridge. Everyone was freezing. Not gonna lie, a particular story from the teacher really stuck to me. It was about how even though him and his parents bickered a lot and he wanted to leave their house as soon as he can, when time came that he was alone during the holidays miles away from them, he still wished he was back home. He was actually cool. He was like changing his outfits per theme and everything. In one of the games, he made us draw like this poster per group. That was fun. We had this other activity where we had to write down on a piece of paper certain answers to very personal questions. In one of them, it was asked who cared for us. I wrote Sirko on mine. And when the writing bit was over, we were asked to share it. Ria and I partnered up. She cried. She told me how she just wants to be good. I can guarantee you, she is the nicest person you'll ever meet. It's no question that she's good. But also, I didn't get to mention it, but I really understand what she meant. A lot of the times, my intentions are always questionable. But hey, the results are showing that I'm only helping people around me. I think I'm good. We did some other activities and even a confession. I slept a lot so I could speed up the time. My confession was so short that the priest had to verbally ask me if that was all of it. I'm very concise with my words. I don't think I sin as often. I am saying that as a very self-aware person. I always pretend like I'm clueless, but God knows I always know what I'm doing. The day passed by until I had to face the greatest problem of this retreat: the dorm showers. It went well enough, but it takes me a lot of mental preparation. I hate being a germaphobe. I just want to go back home.
I'm working on my blog. It's hard to keep up with the whole everyday entry thing. This is turning more and more into an actual journal log about my life. Honestly, I really like that idea. I've always had the fear of forgetting. I've been told that I am the Tom Holland of one of my friend groups. I'm not a tattletale, but I do tend to slip a lot without knowing it. I'm a great secret keeper, I swear! I have mastered the art of saying too much and yet nothing all at the same time. I've been talking to Wacky about our last date. Our little countdown that has been haunting us. Now I'm crying because of old people. The ones with very obscure accounts hidden in the crannies of YouTube. They tell such nice stories and advice. I think part of me is also crying because of the thought of being so in love with something slowly dying. I'm making a heart out of stupid Legos. I have a school retreat tomorrow so before I slept, I packed up a couple of things for a one-night stay.
I don't think I've ever experienced a proper tea party, you know, like the ones you often see in films. Where a girl sets down all her favorite stuffed toys and serves them fake water from a fake kettle. I wish I could set one up just to catch up on recent gossip with my friends. I'd choose a theme, and we'd bake real food. I wish I had friends. Today, I was gossiping with Sirko. We had some good stories to tell. Sirko went out of her way to text one of her exes (kinda) just to get some visual aids for our story. I also got my first hate comment on this website! That's pretty cool. I'm relevant enough to be hated on. Cool, cool. I helped Ria with her blog too. It had a very foreign markup language. I figured it out eventually. It's good to know I still have a coding sense.
Nothing of importance occurred in class. It was the same mundane routine. I had a math test today. I probably got a perfect score. That's about it. The sun is harsh, but you're giving me shade. Wacky waited for me for 5 hours. He's insane. Since Tony gets dismissed earlier than me, he met up with Wacky for a while and kept him company. I hope he never gets sick of me. His waiting time is longer than our time limit. Wacky and Tony picked me up after my class. I was previously crying about 10 minutes prior to this meet. One of my programs in a robot I had was sabotaged. I took that personally. I cannot fail in a subject everybody knows I'm a prodigy at. I saw Wacky, and I fell in love all over again. I needed Biscoff in my body since it was my comfort drink. I talked about my classes and the randomest subjects I could think of. I gave him a school backpack and notebook tour too. I take such great pride in my system. It somehow works. I'm acing all my classes when all I bring to school is like a bunch of toys and a single notebook. I brought out a pen from my bag and wrote a little note on a piece of scratch paper. I had previously drawn Joker on that paper. I wrote down on the bottom rigth corner something along the lines of me having a crush on him or me loving him. Either way, it was a very cute note. He stole it from me and told me he'd keep it forever. I hope he keeps his word. We ended up drawing on each other's hands. It's a shame markers aren't permanent on skin. I am so in love with him. He makes everything feel so light. We moved to a location where my friends and I often hang out. I had an unopened box of Legos at home which we built. It was the Lego Batmobile one. I kept Joker minifigure (with the Batman's hand piece) and gave him the rest. I had my legs over him, and I talked more than I connected the blocks. My eyes were glued to him, and so was my whole body. If I had the choice to fuse with him, I would take it in a heartbeat. Before the day ended, he convinced me to "watch" a movie with him. He got tickets for The Marvels and long story short, we did not watch a single second of the movie. I am marked and claimed. When I got home, I started and finished an hour-long script before going to sleep.
Wacky's seeing me again tomorrow. My boyfriend! He always puts in so much effort. I mean, he's going through such distance and patience to wait just to see me for a very short and limited time. I appreciate it. He makes me feel like I'm worth all that. I was late to school again. I missed an hour of our first class. I went out of my house exactly when it started. I have no one to blame but myself. Luckily, we had assembly, so I didn't miss much. Unluckily, a teacher saw me, and I couldn't escape getting a late slip. Math was pretty okay. The concept is still pretty vague in my head, but I'll work through it. English was also okay too. I'll be studying when I get home. I studied an hour during lunch too. I'm actually doing stuff again. I acquired yet another perfect score in one of my tests. I also got this topic for a speech I have to do soon. I'll be the first one to present too. How horrible. I hope I do well. I'll just thank relativity. My teacher probably knew that I was already the best in class. When I got home, I kept my promise of the whole "I'll study later" and didn't stop until midnight. I was on a call with Skylar, and we were very productive. I also found out that there's this guy who was flaunting around how I talked to him once. I was just replying, give me a break.
Yet another college test to take. I had the afternoon schedule, so I still had to wake up really early, but it was at least a bit manageable. I brushed up on a few topics on my phone and didn’t really do any actual studying prior to the test. I reviewed some math problems and I was good to go. I had a to-go breakfast from Army Navy. The moment I arrived at the testing hall, I started scoping out the competition. Not really in a condescending way, just more on observing people. The wait was very long. I figured this out pretty early and decided to sit down. There was a line organized, and I already found my spot. Everyone else was very timid and stood pretty still wherever they were at. I could only count one other dude who was as relaxed as I was. After a while, the instructors asked for everyone to sit down, and they did as instructed. I am concluding a major differential in the people taking this test. It’s probably not that deep, but it is to me. A few hours passed by, and I finally completed the test. It wasn’t as hard. I remember mid-taking the test I caught the attention of the teacher, and I was told off for sleeping. No, like, I genuinely fell asleep in the first half of the test. I thank myself for being smart every day. A couple of parts of the test were educated guesses, but it was easy as a whole. I wasn’t the most stressed out. I recognized a few familiar faces, and one of them was this dude who I had a bit of (untouchable) history with. He called me from a distance and smiled to initiate a conversation. We were both looking for Skylar, but I had to get picked up and left shortly. What a very tiring day. When I got home, I used Raccoon as an excuse to rewatch Star Wars. It’s part of the tradition for all my children.
I am now officially Wacky's girlfriend. This was not planned at all. It's such a pretty date too (11/11). We had a conversation about things I don't remember, and before I knew it, I was already your girlfriend. Wacky arrived from a very long flight. He was still in New York when I fell asleep last night. But now he's in front of me. I can tell that he's tired. He's been waiting, and waiting. He's unbelievable. I found him on a bench, and he made me wear this Star Wars shirt he got for me from his trip. I gave him some things too as it has been a while since we last saw each other. This was a semi-double date. We plan on ditching the other two later. We were with Brie and Bokuto. We ate at Popeyes for a bit. I tried my best to get him to sleep during the pauses we took during our lunch with the other two lovebirds. Our little group is definitely a sight to see, something I'd scoff at if I weren't in my place. We got tickets for Five Nights at Freddy's with very high expectations. We've been waiting for this, especially Bokuto. I only know the lore from like 10 years ago when MatPat was just starting to grow in popularity, so I'm not the most updated. I know the basics of the lore though, so I have enough decent knowledge ready to be equipped for later. We walked around to pass the time, and that's when Wacky and I commenced our ditching plan. We separated ways with Bokuto and Brie. Wacky's energy was very depleted. We sat by this platform area at some abandoned place in the mall and laid down. When the movie started, we even got compliments from this lady who assisted us over to our seats. She's a Star Wars fan and she loved the shirts we wore. I forgot to mention that we were matching outfits he planned out. The movie started, and it was awful. I probably wasn't the target audience for it. At least MatPat cameoed. They took their own turn with their creative liberty, and I, sadly, had anticipated something in the lines of the canonical lore. The thing is, a lot of kids from the original video game's actual fandom have waited for this movie. It sucks that it wasn't catered to them. After years of waiting, even giving it an independent rating as a whole movie in general, it was boring. The best part of the whole movie was when "Five Nights At Freddy's" by The Living Tombstone played during the end credits. But I had fun nonetheless... but for different reasons - reasons that kept Wacky up. Since we were back with Brie and Bokuto, we kind of just followed them around. We went to Decathlon again. I love that place. Whenever we go there, Wacky usually shows off. I love it when he does that. I mean, it works. Midway, I gravitated towards Brie until we had our own little world while our two guys were being guys. I mean, I take my eyes off Wacky for a single second, and he was already inside the trampoline. One day he'll be able to do a backflip. I believe in him. This time around, he tried doing front flips. It's funny. We ditched Brie and Bokuto after a while, and that's when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Well, he didn't actually ask me. He said it in a more commanding way, like "Be my girlfriend" or something like that. Why would I say no? I'm literally in love with him. It was very casual. He told me it just slipped from his mouth. It doesn't matter how I become his girlfriend anyway. Isn't it such a deal that he'll be my boyfriend in return? I actually need to clear that up. Does that make him my boyfriend? We sat at more places so he could rest, but it never really worked. When I got home, I wore the hoodie he gave me immediately. By immediately, I mean after I settled down and did my shower. He gave me a Squishmallow too. And the greatest part about it was that it was similar to one Sirko had. It's literally the red string of fate. I still smell him. I like it when his scent lingers on my skin. I introduced Raccoon (the Squishmallow) to Bird (my first Wacky child). He also gave me Prime and Feastables. He's such a dude. Not that I'm complaining. I'm convinced part of me is a 12-year-old boy that never grew up. Thank you, Wacky. I hope I can be a good girlfriend.
I have forgotten something very important. I quickly regained my rusting skill of solving a Rubik's cube. I was successful. I thank my muscle memory. They must've temporarily fallen asleep. I am an hour late to school again. I really am going back to my old ways. We just had a bunch of lessons. I was glued to my phone talking to Wacky because we mostly had free time. It’s a good thing. I physically do not have any ounce of energy left in my body. We were supposed to have 2 presentations for today, but the other was moved. More free time. Even our club was like an hour straight of gossip with our teacher. After school, I gave myself a self-care day. I had a mani-pedi, bought a book, had an everything shower, and that included my very elaborate hair care routine. It's a nice day.
Time is relative. To defend my case, while everyone else uses the same frame of reference in their little three-dimensional being speed, I differ. As a god, if a pendulum measures 3 seconds per swing for the normal person, mine is sped up to 5.368 × 10^(-6) seconds, or 5.368 microseconds. That’s 186,282.397 miles per second, meaning my speed is superluminal. With this complication, I have simply adjusted to the time of a normal person. Anyway, I was so close to making it on time. I still had hopes. But those hopes were abruptly shut down when I found out that the car keys are missing. Today isn’t the best of days. The dark reunion came during PE class. Girlhood sucks. I didn’t do much today at school. I was leading the class for a play I wrote about St. Nicholaus, and I wrote some notes on research. The rest of the day was spent sleeping. I walked back to the pick-up spot with Skylar, and he picked up my baby brother with me too. They gave each other high fives! I got home then fell asleep since I had a pretty long day. I have a lot to study too. So many presentations. It’s a good thing I’m a great speaker. My baby brother told me one of his dreams. Yes, I was very attentive. I drew it out for him so I can see his vision. Like his current obsession, the setting is located under the ocean. Inside a house, but the house is a huge container of the ocean. I was with my baby brother in a boat with paddles, and we were approaching a portal made out of candles. Inside was sand and a walking fish and whale shark. I got eaten in the end because I wasn't a fast enough runner to escape. Tragic.
People no longer create original thoughts; instead, they prefer to ignore questions than try to find answers. The fear of not knowing is so strong that many people simply refuse to learn. Furthermore, additional elaborations will be formed later when I ponder on this topic more. Cryptomnesia, though common in itself, has reached a point of frequency where it's almost done on purpose. In fact, some completely abandon the pretense of mistakenly believing their thoughts to be original and instead just plain steal other people's ideas. I especially notice this in perpetual scrollers – people who discover basic scientific or philosophical reasonings and flaunt them as if everyone around them is just now figuring out how to peel their first banana. And I get it; we learn at different paces, sometimes at different levels. The most basic question can be formed at a level way higher than I'd ever understand, and I acknowledge that. It's not that I'm underestimating people, but I feel like some of their thoughts are a bit behind, or they're the same recycled crap I've heard a gazillion times. It makes me step back a bit when I see through people too. I'll probably go back to this whole conundrum. Whatever happened to being bored and generating your own original thought? I'm not cleaning my hands; I'm a victim of this too, but only to some extent. Whenever I consume, I always take time to process.
What am I doing with my life? I feel so sorry for myself. I tried bringing up my whole ranking thing to my mom because, I hate to admit it, but I'm desperate for validation. I managed to bring it up, and I am completely brushed off. I know it's easier to ignore things, and I understand they probably have a lot on their minds to even try and give this time. But is it not simple to compliment your daughter who just won a very hard-to-achieve rank? What makes that so complicated? What makes that so hard? I don't get it.I’ve yet to study for my upcoming college entrance exams. I am consciously choosing to hang out with people over my literal future. I need to start straightening my priorities before I regret this. How am I just letting this happen? I am in the Waiting Room Phoebe Bridgers has talked about. Why is nothing going the way I want it to be, and why am I running out of time? I feel very overwhelmed. The only thing I did today was drop my baby brother off at school on the way to my orthodontist appointment. My orthodontist was an hour late, so I had to wait. Waiting means more time left alone to my own devices. When I got back home, I took my daily sustenance and then watched Sirko’s haul vlog. I appreciate that little exchange we have of sharing with each other things that make us happy. We used to have an account on Instagram solely for that, but we haven't used it in a while. I went out again to pick up my baby brother. I got more food on the way. He’s crying again. Still a troublemaker. I got home and passed out.
I took my sweet time getting ready. I have 5 minutes left until school starts. We had our awards recognition ceremony for honors today, and as a dean's lister, I already knew I was on top. Sure, I had problems with one of my teachers who gave me a grade that drastically dragged my average down because she "lost" my paper, but everybody knows about the case, and I am well recognized for how smart I am. We had an early lunch as we had to line up first based on rankings, and they had to organize that. I was 3rd, so I was in front of the entirety of my batch. We're 500 all in all. That's putting into account my nerfed grade that made my average go down by probably a point or two. Insane. I could've gotten the valedictorian title. I was so close. Those in the lineup knew it too. We talked about it when we sat down. If you've read my blog for long enough, I study a lot. I study like James Scholz. It wouldn't be surprising to see me ahead of everyone. When the line finally moved, there was literal applause and gasps from the rest of the batch because they saw those on top (me) walk by. It was the first overview of our rankings. We went up the auditorium and sat down on our respective seats. We had a front view. My god complex was well-fed. I mean, I'm actually 5th if we include all strands, but in the rankings, our strand was first, and I was 3rd in our strand. It doesn't really matter. My parents couldn't come. It's okay. Me and my other friend who quite literally didn't have parents were making this joke because whenever he'd see me tear up and I'd stop, he'd tear up, and it's a whole cycle. My other friend's mom wanted to receive the award with me too if only she found out sooner, she said. I'm actually everyone's angel. The thing is, my parents never really cared about my studies, and even though we aren't exactly the type that has the best relationship ever, I was still looking for them. I guess my prefrontal cortex wanted a respondent to receive feedback from. Maybe my limbic system and amygdala were seeking validation as a form of reward for all those nights I've stayed up and lots of weeks I got sick. Whatever it was objectively, I subjectively know that I just want someone to tell me they're proud of me. And Sirko did. I feel bad for her because she couldn't go up the stage and receive her awards since she has already moved. I miss her. She told me she would've walked me up the stage. I mean, what I did is a feat someone should be proud of. Why is no one proud of me? I mean, the applause I received was relatively louder than most, but that's for all those I've probably helped and were my friends. It's such a relief that I chose to be someone nice. Still a shame my parents couldn't come.I got home without anyone even asking about the awarding. They knew. They texted me. They said they won't come. I got home and I called Sirko to tell her some really insane stories I collected from the day. We made a lot of inside jokes. We called until we both fell asleep, instantly too. I woke up and did a bit of self-care. I did my hair, put on a mask, and just added some steps to my daily routine. Around noon, I started writing my blog and updating it because I know how behind I am.
Wacky disrupted my peaceful conversation with Morpheus. That's another way of saying he woke me up from my sleep. I forced him to force me, but it was still horrible that he did exactly as I said. I needed more sleep time (I really didn't). We had an assembly today in the auditorium. It's for this field trip the school is planning. It's more on recreational activities, so it should be fun. It was different for each strand. Since I was in business, we had farming. Makes total sense. Literally two extremely related things. We actually had the best, most well-thought-out activity list. I mean, we'd ride carabaos, plant stuff, go on a boat and fish, and others that I couldn't catch since I was already sleeping. Anyway, I gave Ria her gift since I missed her birthday during my Japan trip. It was this My Melody backpack, and it's the best because if you know her, you'd know that she loves the color pink since literally the Mesopotamia. But she also has a particular fondness for My Melody. It's even her phone case! She was showing it off, and it was making my heart so full. I also gave other people some stuff I got during my trip. We didn't really have many lessons; it's that part of our school's weird schedule where every subject is pretty free. I did a few TikTok dances with Skylar. I also talked with his friend, and he had such good comments on my scent. Everyone agrees too. Big compliment. That's about it. When we were about to go home, we detoured from our usual route and got lost. He's been in this school for a very long time, and I've been here for like 6 whole years. Why is this still a problem? Skylar and I ended up on a balcony at some building with the top view of the main gate of our school. In the end, we traced back our steps, then went back to our waiting spot (Sirko's Cornelia Street), so we really just went around the whole school for nothing. We talked about stuff until I got picked up. My baby brother is crying again. I know school will soon get better for him, so I'm not too stressed about it. When I got home, I had a couple of things I needed to study and brush up on. For one, I have a presentation that needs fixing. So I familiarized myself with that. I might just do an impromptu. I had enough time to do my blog, which was great so I was quite productive with Ria.
I am well-rested. I was very comfortable in my long sleep, making up for the cry of my body's exhaustion. My flight back is inevitable. My things are already packed, and the only thing left is for us to leave for the airport. We had to say goodbye, and I am now taking into consideration studying in this country. I also experienced that one particular thing that should only happen in movies, where you try to eavesdrop, but then a loud car passes by and muffles the noise. I have yet another story I'll never find out the ending of. We went to the lounge for a bit and finally settled down during boarding. Very random, but I miss the smell of a new silicon 3DS Case from Japan. It's part of my childhood too. When I got home, I unpacked everything I got and cleaned up. I made Sirko a haul vlog because we're just girls who enjoy the little things. Then when I got to rest, I slept and called with Brie and Anthony. I am very sad. Wacky and I had an argument.
A late start for my morning. I cleaned up my photo gallery and just took it slow today. I need some robot parts. The place I'm going to, I'm pretty sure has a lot of scraps that could be useful. I am also still on the lookout for a good camcorder. I have no idea why I'm so insanely hyperfixated on that certain camera since literally nobody even uses it anymore, but I am. We went to Akihabara! As a huge anime enthusiast, here are my MAL credentials. I take a huge familiarity with this place, the land of anime (and electronics). I'm literally a nerd. Saying geek is less cooler but probably more appropriate in this context, but I'll just say nerd for the sake of my inner peace and ego. So the plan was that we'd all separate and just meet up in front of the Tamashii Nations store. Simple enough. My brother and I have obviously been waiting for this. We tagged up and went through every single sketchy alleyway. We visited a lot of stores, and he got himself a few figurines. I found the electronic parts I wanted, some cool premade robot makers too, but I was left with the burden of my unfinished projects back at home and didn't buy any of those. I did get myself a huge haul of mangas. We found a bunch of cameras, and they were all surprisingly insanely cheap. My brother and I had our system, and we were just having fun. When our time was almost up, we had to go back. We fought over who made the bags heavier since although I bought books, he also got like a PS5 controller and a lot of relatively big figurines. When we separated our items and asked other people for a weight check, turns out that we bought things that accumulated to just about the same heaviness. We were still waiting for one more person in our group to return, so I left my stuff with my brother and went to a cafe nearby alone. It had a window overlooking where everyone was, so it was perfect. I was at Beck's Coffee Shop near the Akihabara station. They actually had good food. I don't know if that's just my starving stomach talking, but I finished up my sandwich real fast. I got iced coffee too that I sipped within like a few minutes. I am a party member with a full inventory. I have stamina, but I can no longer walk any faster than 0.10 miles per hour. It's a serious concern. So we went back into the train station, and while my mom was buying snacks that she thought were appealing, I was learning Japanese with my other cousin. Instead of going home, we had a bit more time on our hands and decided to go to Ginza Six. The Beverly Hills of Japan, basically. I followed my brother to GU and Uniqlo, and he got himself a couple of pieces. I got myself like one or two. We spent like a decent amount of time wandering around, and near the end, everyone got hungry. We ate at the place we ate at some year ago (not sure if it was last year), and I am now realizing that the food there was very bland. When we finally got back, I tried to check for the camcorder I've been wanting to get, but it was sold out. Life is not in my favor.
Woke up early to take the train with my family to Nishi-Tachikawa. We're visiting Showa Kinen Park. The wind has never felt nicer as it storms past my hair. I'm seeking for both the sun and the shade. It's the most perfect weather, and I am perfectly fine. The very few pictures I take can barely capture how absolutely breathtaking the scenery is. Conveniently, it's the fall season, and the trees display various saturations of colors. I wish I had at least a tiny percentage of Sylvia Plath's articulation to describe exactly as I see everything. The first thing I did right before entering the park and getting the tickets was to buy a water bottle from the vending machine. I am a very hydrated person. My baby brother saw the map to the place and wanted to go to Komorebi Village strictly because of the colored blocks he saw on the map. I can't blame him; he's five. Did you know "komorebi" means the sunlight that goes in between the trees, creating the best silhouettes of branches and leaves, not to mention how pretty the light filters through? There really are so few words to describe something exactly as it's perceived. Sure, it's subjective, but I want people to understand. So the main reason we went here was to actually bike around. We did, and it was the best ever. I didn't even experience the slightest tiredness. We took the route with certain arrows. I was originally with my brother, baby brother, and a couple of cousins, but my brother and I have been biking for our entire lives. I learned to bike with one hand when I was like four or five. It's a story for another day. We eventually left everyone behind. Before we did, we didn't notice how one of them literally fell off the hill part and crashed. It was funny. He walked up with his bike, and he had leaves stuck onto him like something out of an animated cartoon. We went around the whole park in the designated biking course and came across this playground. It was so big, and I swear every playground I've seen in Japan has no care for children's safety, but that's meant in a good way. I just know it builds the kids' endurance and strength. It was actually pretty big, with a lot of activities. I wasn't a kid anymore, but my baby brother was. There were a gazillion other kids playing around, and my baby brother joined in with them. I saw this one mud river thing, and my eyes genuinely lit up. It's been my absolute dream to play with a certain texture of mud, and right in front of me is what I've been looking for my whole entire life. It's a mud I saw from this one Sesame Street episode. Every year I'd remember it and look for that specific episode. It's so incredibly comforting. Sadly, I had no extra shirts to change into and couldn't get myself dirty. One day I'll be able to make my very own mud cake with a mud mug beside it on top of a mud table with mud stool chairs. My brother has always made fun of me for that weird mud dream I've always had. But it's a real thing. After that, my brother and I actually separated from everyone and explored around. It was all so pretty, until the forest ate us alive. We've gone around this roundabout a gazillion times but never found our way back. My brother and I were laughing so hard because there were also these two old couples whom we kept passing by. This was not on me though; my brother had been leading the directions, and I always knew it was wrong but was double-guessing. We eventually found our way back, but the people we were supposed to meet up with were no longer there. Luckily, the spot was located at the food area thing. I got an American hotdog. When my parents found us eventually, we ate with them for a bit, and I just stared off into the distance. The sky was very blue, and the clouds were very white. Before our time ended, our cousins toured us around a pretty place we had yet to see. I'm pretty sure we've only explored like 10 percent of the park. I did see the flower garden briefly when I passed by on my bike. We went to this ninja-looking village, and there was also this big lake thing with the prettiest trees surrounding it. It was so clear and reflecting different colors in each of its parts. We also went to the bonsai trees place, and we saw all the different kinds, ages, and sizes. There were more things we saw tied to Japanese culture, but altogether, it was a very refreshing sight and experience. Before we left, I found myself sitting on the sand, shaping a heart with rocks and putting Wacky's initial in the middle. I am seriously in love.
The day has yet to end. We took the train and went straight to Shinjuku. I mean, we had to see Godzilla for my baby brother, right? I did the 3D cat, so that's cool. I had another cute encounter with an old person. My baby brother was throwing a temper tantrum when the old man approached him and did a few tricks to make him laugh. He entertained my baby brother for a bit, and my brother was so confused that it actually stopped his crying. Not long after, when the old man's wife literally grabbed him, told him they had to cross. It was so cute. Before that, we went to yet another arcade. They decided to splurge on the Game Taito Station yet again. I, again, never participated in this because I simply do not have the skill for that. My cousin (favorite one) does though. My brother was really trying for this Majin Buu one, and he did eventually get it, after not even exaggerating, a hundred tries. They did the Kirby one my baby brother has also been itching to get with my cousin's help. It was hard. We had the staff help us a couple of times. Once probably an hour or two passed, we left the store and had about a handful of figurines. The people I was with all had different plans and decided to go on different paths. I knew that this was not a good idea. There's always certain steps that I know must strictly be clarified before doing anything. I knew pieces of information were missing, and this whole "meet us back" thing will not work out. Spoiler alert, I was right. I know I've been leading the way a lot as their sort of navigator, but I think the situation I was just at is officially a new achievement of this whole new level of independence. I can go alone in Shibuya because I know the place, but Shinjuku is a charted, but unfamiliar territory. I'm not usually allowed much independence because of my body frame and how I look like I'm 12. I am 17. Now Shinjuku has a lot of cases of people going missing, but Japan isn't a bad place; I'll manage. Long story short, my parents got lost, and I was looking for them. I did not word that sentence wrong. They genuinely needed my help. I had little to no contact since my sim wasn't exactly registered in Japan. I tried giving them directions, but in the end, they left me to literally find them. I eventually picked themup at the Game Station we were just at, and they won my baby brother this Luigi figurine. Who's the adult now? When we got back to Shibuya, they invited me for karaoke, but I was rejected because I did not look old enough. The man at the desk was genuinely concerned. In the end, I just bought a couple of hair products at the Donki across the street and went home.
I've been getting some news about the war between Palestine and Israel, and I haven't really done much research on it (sue me for the ignorance), but I saw protesters in Shinjuku and decided to deep dive into it. I know it's not anything recent, but it had just resurfaced, and I feel so incredibly bad.
It's my mom's birthday!
Do you remember Zhu Zhu Pets? I had the white one growing up. It was the coolest toy I owned. I had this huge obsession with hamsters because of that one Japanese cartoon too. I feel so nostalgic. I had my early morning where I just wore a tank top and some hand warmers. I looked cool, but I quickly caught on to how cold it was. I needed to cover up. Good thing I'm going back to the hotel later. I bought some early Starbucks latte, picked up some food, and checked out this store called Yamada Denki. I'm on the lookout for a new phone case, screen protector, and a camcorder. I got the first two things on my list, but I had no luck with the camcorder. However, this was a multi-story electronic store, and I'll probably return later to explore the floor dedicated to cameras and other digital goods. I still have hope. On the 6th floor, we discovered that they had toys, so we planned on bringing my baby brother there when he wakes up. We went back to the hotel to get the rest of the people we were with, and I got my knit cardigan and ate at our usual spot. Then I led my brother to Yamada Denki again so he could look at the video games section while I looked at the other toys. My baby brother was overwhelmed too when he saw the dinosaur aisle. I just looked at a few of the Star Wars figurines. The ones I wanted weren't on the shelves, sadly. I wish I had bought those robot DIY kits. I do still have my Arduinos, but they're boring, and I don't even know what I can make with them. We met up with my aunts and my favorite cousin again. Since it's my mom's birthday, she's spending it with her closest siblings. We went to the train and located Snack Land. This time, it was my favorite cousin's turn to navigate. I mean, she's literally a local. I slept at every train stop, and I just want to give an honorable mention to the Tokyo Station Hotel. It was so pretty. Even the actual station itself looked like something out of Hogwarts. Or some film I watched a while back. We eventually got to Snack Land, and it had every single show or character store. She also gave me this Gacha keychain that I immediately wore on my backpack. I read a couple of labels for my baby brother in the Ultraman shop, and I've never felt prouder. Since we were literally at Snack Land, we can't miss out on the chance of eating there too. Our groups were separated for those who wanted to eat meat and ramen. I chose Ramen. We ate up quickly since it's common decency and respect in Japan to finish up your food for other people to eat too. Before everything closed down, we took the quick train to Akihabara to complete my dad's Gundam Anniversary collection at Tamashii Nations. It was awesome.
My feet hurt. But it doesn't compare to how it felt when I went to Disneyland Adventure with Sirko a couple of months ago. That was different. Whatever discomfort I felt was somehow neutralized by the amount of adrenaline I had. I don't think I can have that kind of fun ever again. But right now, although I can feel my feet slowly getting numb, I can't help but want to continue walking from how calming the environment here makes me feel. I had my morning walk, combini stop, and all that, before reuniting with my family, who are perpetual sleepers (mom excluded because she joined my morning walk and we bought stuff at Daiso - she got like a very concerning amount of Christmas decorations). Today was strictly for Shibuya shopping. I followed them while in my little bubble, mindlessly walking. They'd sometimes consult me for directions, but I'd go straight back into my deep thought right after. I actually fell asleep a lot. Like when they'd go inside a shop, I'd scan the room and locate a chair or a stool, it didn't matter. And I'd doze off. This included all the restaurants we ate at. It was cold, the most perfect temperature ever. We had a short stop and got some soft ice cream. I sat at a bench and ate too slowly that it literally started melting. It tasted so good, though. I swear, ice cream is best when it's cold. We saw this one Metaverse store, and my baby brother wanted to try it out but got rejected. That was a first. He planted resentment towards the metaverse from that time on. He was telling us about his whole revenge plot too; it was funny. We then spent a long time in GiGO. The great thing about Japanese arcades is that they aren't rigged. You just need to be skilled. I did not have skills. Sadly. My brother and my dad both tried their best as I watched. We played a couple of other games like an air hockey-looking game but modified with a glass over the game, 2 knobs to control it, and you're passing around a box thing (I'm mentioning this because I won here a lot). After spending a really long time in GiGO, I left my mark in their post-it scrapbooks and went out to a Gacha store. I got a couple of cute trinkets. Then ate a burger outside. When we got home, I fixed my suitcase, and it was insane. It was filled to the brim and it seemed like I was collecting every hobby ever. That's not exactly wrong; at this point, I feel like I am. Me, my brother, and my dad also stopped by at the combini to buy my mom a cake (atleast it was a make-shift one because there were no cakes to be found). It's her birthday starting this midnight.
Happy Halloween! It's a cold morning. My cheeks and the tip of my nose are absolutely flushed. I like it. I have pink and blue temporary hair color spray on my hands. Now, you might wonder... why? Well, I got up early and decided to make my morning outfit inspired by Harley Quinn. It's a subtly referenced outfit that can be worn daily, but if you know, you know. I wanted to keep the Halloween spirit since obviously, I can't exactly be seen around in broad daylight wearing a full-on costume. The actual Halloween costume will obviously be worn tonight. I braided my hair and split-dyed it pink and blue. My baby brother wanted to try it too, so I sprayed his hair blue. He looked so cool, it was spiked up too. Then I went for a short morning walk while everybody else was getting ready. Then I went for a short morning walk while everybody else was getting ready.
Today's itinerary involved visiting temples. I have great knowledge of trains, not particularly stressful, but sometimes you have to ask. So I did what any normal human would do—I had an inquiry, therefore I asked a train staff. I used my mastery in Duolingo Japanese and asked: すみません、浅草はどこですか. That is so not impressive, but I love using my very limited Japanese whenever I can. I still struggle to speak it, but I can understand a lot of words; I'm just a bit rusty. How can I not? I've been going to Japan yearly since I was a kid, and literally, half my family lives there. For the record, I do study by book (I usually just give up after a few lessons). I used my Suica card and just led the way. I honestly have no idea how I know this because certain lines don't exactly lead where you want to go, and you need specific routes, but I can work my way around it. We arrived at Asakusa using the Tokyo Metro Ginza Line. I like taking direct train lines, but does anyone care or even notice?
We got there and entered one of the shopping streets. Our goal was to visit the Sensoji Temple. But before that, we had a meal. My brother and I separated from our parents to eat at McDonald's while they took their time deciding where they wanted to eat. Eventually, I joined my parents, and they were at this self-cook restaurant. I had the biggest fire ever, not a good thing. Even when I turned off my gas, it was still burning. I could've sworn the fire was a millimeter away from burning the table along with it. After eating, we walked some more and found this playground. My baby brother was ecstatic. I love Japanese playgrounds. It's like they really don't care much for their children's health. And that's a good thing. They had the tallest jungle gym ever, all made out of metal. I think it makes kids a little stronger. I climbed it too; I'm just a kid, not even an adult yet. I tried the monkey bars and got humbled pretty quickly. All I can do now is look back at my glory days when monkey bars were like my own domain. My baby brother played for quite some time while my mom looked at other shops. I waited at the swing and just took in the environment. When we finally convinced my baby brother to leave the playground, we arrived at the Sensoji Temple. My dad was performing various traditional practices, and I tried it with the smoke thing just out of respect. I walked around and played with my baby brother. The temple was pretty cool, and the people also had their kimonos on, so that was cool too.
We went back to the train station and decided to visit Shimokitizawa. It's really near Shibuya, so why not? This district is specifically known for its thrift shops. It had a good mix of just about every good ever. We couldn't explore it as much and only skimmed the surface since we still had to go back for Shibuya Halloween. My brother and I were left alone to roam around, and he got himself a lot of pieces. I bought a few too. We had several small talks with the people there. They're all so cool. I love cool people so much. We had dinner at a Thai restaurant, and though there was still air, which wasn't the greatest, my brother and I chose to ignore it.
?Now, for the actual Halloween celebration. Although Halloween is cancelled, every single street was still filled with people wearing their best costumes. My baby brother wore his skeleton costume, probably the only child wandering the streets at night. I also put some fake blood on him. See, the thing that's different here is that Halloween is more adult-based compared to Halloween in the US, for example. On that note, I think Trunk or Treats suck. It's safer, but since when was everything so dangerous? I think door-to-door Trick or Treating is still extremely superior. I wore my Halloween costume, a police costume, which was funny because there were police officers everywhere. As I've mentioned in my October 28, 2023 entry, there's a Halloween ban here. Probably hundreds of police were scattered with megaphones trying to maintain order, and I remember one of them distinctly; he was struggling. He didn't have a voice but was still doing his job. I felt bad. We saw thousands of costumes, all unique in their own ways. My brother was Toji Fushiguro, and we were on the lookout for some Jujutsu Kaisen cosplayers. We did find some, and he had people of his same taking pictures with him; it was a great experience. There was this one weird dude who was following me and telling me I was cool like かっこういい or cute かわいい, and we came across each other so many times. It was so weird. I appreciated the compliments, though. There was this other pretty old dude who straight up just held a camera and got a picture of me alone. I did a thumbs up and a weirded-out smile. I'm hoping that was just some normal interaction. But, to be completely honest, I was not wearing anything unique. I had literal duplicates, and the only thing that sets me apart from everyone else is that I look young. I'm 17 and I'm literally 4'11. To get a better image of this blog entry, just search up how the streets are like during Halloween in Shibuya. Everything was cool, and we did dozens of laps. We did that for quite some time, and we were literally coming across familiar faces. Before going back home, we ate ramen at our spot. Oh, and I'm pretty sure it was 30 minutes in when we dropped back my baby brother, so my brother, the cousin I was with, and I could walk around. Our hotel is located right before the alley where the midnight party was happening. Parties weren't allowed until October 31. It was past midnight, and the cool people were there. We checked it out; the cars and their basses were going insane. The party queues were long, and some side shops had girls inviting guys out. I tapped out. I was not fooling anyone. I literally heard one of the people behind me asking how old I was. I understand basic Japanese; I double-checked it too. But in the end, I went back to the hotel.
I walked the short distance to Family Mart and grabbed myself a couple of food items to start the day. I got some drinks and string cheese for my backpack snack. The weather here is always the absolute hallmark of perfection. It feels nice waking up to a white sky. The temperature isn't harsh; the sun only serves as an overhead light, perfectly muted down by the clouds, and I feel so peaceful. I find locations pretty easy to memorize. I was the navigator today (as I typically am). I'm literally a walking Google Maps. They told me a couple of the stores they wanted to visit, and I made myself a mental mind map. We visited a bunch of shops. To name a few, I remember our first stop was Muji. I didn't really get anything. I've matured a lot. I used to get every stationery piece I'd lay my eyes on. We also went to that one Bathing Ape district. I used to dress in a very street fashion way a few years back, but I grew out of it. I pretty much just sat at a corner while they browsed around. We went to this Disney Store, and it had a bunch of floors. My baby brother was running around, and I just chased after him. We also did clothing shops like Zara and pretty much every other store that caught our attention. My baby bro was an absolute menace in the streets. He had bought this one extremely realistic toy fish that he would drop randomly, and he'd watch passersby get scared or shocked from his tiny prank. He got a lot of reactions. This was all early in the morning. My dad and brother finally arrived from the airport. They went straight to our hotel, and we had to meet up with them. We ate at our usual ramen spot, and I toured them around. It was getting dark, and literally everybody had their energies drained out so they went back to the hotel. Not me. I told my brother we should go buy stuff before all the stores close down. We went to GU and got some basics; he also bought stuff for his Halloween costume tomorrow. I visited Loft and got myself a few fountain pen items, then I checked out a few more stores.
Mount Fuji is divided into 10 stations (steps). It was snowing around the 5th station, but we were sadly not allowed to go any further because the 2023 Climbing Season (5th station to the summit) is over. On the car ride there, we went to a stopover by EXPASA Dangozaka, and I swear it's like deja vu. We always go here whenever we visit Fuji San. I wasn't equipped with any form of warm clothing because I was very convinced that the temperature wasn't that bad. I forgot to take into account the wind temperature factor of the windchill. The road up the mountain was so great. My aunt told us a bunch of stories about hikers and the signs scattered around that said "beware of bears." We had a few stopovers to look at the trees, and they're so colorful I'm obsessed. We came across those asphalt musical roads. Apparently, a dude named Shizuo Shinoda discovered it by accident, and now it's this whole entire music system. It's so cool. Reaching midway of Fuji San (since the road is closed after that), I got off the car and realized it might've been colder than what I was anticipating. It was bearable though. I can't emphasize my love for the trees here enough. But it was so pretty. My baby brother was freezing cold too. It was so fun even for the short while that we were there. My mom bought some souvenirs, and I just used that chance to warm up indoors. I would've eaten ice cream, but I haven't had breakfast yet, and eating something cold and sweet the first thing didn't sit right with me. I got myself some hotdog instead. We went to Yamanaka to eat, and I felt the biggest relief ever when I saw the fireplace inside. I took a quick walk while they waited for the restaurant queue, and my hands were so cold and red. I was so sleepy. I felt like an animal with the first instinct to hibernate at the moment of coldness. Since we were already by the Yamanaka Lake (Yamanakako), we decided to feed some swans and ducks. There was this other fish that I think were either catfishes or black kois (I'm not a fish expert, so don't come at me for this). Feeding swans half my size was the absolute best thing ever. Regardless of the fact that they were trying to bite off my hands, it was so fun. I love animals so much. I know we visited this other Donki somewhere and I got semi-lost. I knew how to go back, they just didn't know how to find me. I saw a double rainbow which makes this day extra great and lucky. We then went to Fuji-Q Highland. It was very spontaneous, but we got our tickets and entered the theme park. I recognized a lot of characters, but the main reason we went here was for the Naruto × Boruto Fuji Hidden Leaf Village. I literally met Shikamaru (the love of my life). I wanted to try out the roller coasters since they looked a lot more dangerous than the Incredicoaster in California, but I had no one to accompany me, and the wait line was relatively long. They had a lot of options for the coasters too. I would've so loved riding all of them. There was this haunted house that I think is one of the scariest ones in the history of horror attractions. I didn't go though. We had a very limited time because I was with adults, and they just wanted to see around. They had this golden water attraction that looked cool too. I wish I could've ridden literally any of the rides. I love the thrill of near-death experiences so much. Before we left, there was this colored pathway to Thomas' Land that my baby brother followed (I taught him the destination of each of the colored stripes). He was so happy. Context, my baby brother has the entire Thomas and Friends collection. And I'm not even exaggerating when I say he has the whole collection. He was running everywhere asking me to take pictures of him with the trains; it was so funny. We also met up with one of my cousins who lived nearby and just said hi. Before leaving, we got a few snacks from another quick service area stopover place. The day hasn't ended yet; we took our long road way back to Shibuya, and again, as a restless teenager, I went out to eat dinner at our usual ramen spot, then bought my Halloween costume at Donki. And a few other stuff too.
I have a flight in a few hours. Planes are weird. How do they carry the weight of themselves? I'm asking this question knowing full well the answer to it because I'm smart and know a lot of stupid facts. Since it bothers me leaving even rhetorical questions unanswered, airplanes can stay in the air because of their wing design (curved shape airfoil), creating a force called lift, which counters a plane's weight. Basically, weight is equivalent to the gravitational pull, and the lift is greater than or equal to the plane's weight, so it pulls it up. So, the wind is basically the opposite of the gravitational pull, if that makes sense. I brought my travel essentials with me: my bag, wallet, passport, my headphones, my AirPods, and my wired earphones. I wore my Taylor merch from the Eras Tour to commemorate 1989 Taylor's Version's release. You literally cannot even tell what I'm listening to... I slept through the entire flight because I can shut my body down by command at any time. I get about 3 hours of sleep on a regular day because of school, so I should be fine.
I'm back in Japan. The air here always smells like strawberries; I swear I'm not making it up. I'll be staying in Shibuya for our yearly Halloween visit. I love Japan. The only place where I have such extensive familiarity, for some weird reason. I did the whole airport process, went to our hotel at Shibuya (the same one we go to every year), and dropped off our stuff. We also met with some of our cousins, and they gave us a ride around Tokyo. We went to Yamashita Park, and it was so pretty. I've always been the type to love walks. The yellow trees had this distinct smell that they said was bad, but I actually kinda liked it. We went to this China Town too in Naka, Yokohama - Yamashitacho. We ate at a restaurant there. I was with my Aunt, and they're like the only family members I actually like. I mean, I like the others from my dad's side too, but they restricted me from that, so we eventually grew apart. Also, my favorite cousin got me this whole pencil case with every stationery item ever inside. Apparently, those were her staple supplies. When she visited my house a while back, I remember I was studying for my finals, and she probably knew I liked to study. For years too, I've always had this stationery addiction, so it was so thoughtful of her. I can just think about how she probably looked for the items that she loved so she could put them all in one pencil case. And if you know Japanese stationeries, you know they're the best kind. It's the thought behind getting all those items that I appreciate the most. She remembers what I like, even when we don't speak that often. I mean, we literally have a language barrier, but I consider her probably the best cousin ever. We don't talk though. But it's okay. Anyway, we visited a few temples in Yokohama Masobyo, and since we were with my baby brother, we were on the lookout for a conbini with this one specific brand of Meiji milk. We saw the Gundam Factory in Yokohama with the Hakodate Port and everything. Fun fact, that's Japan's first international trade port. It started raining, and the sight was just beautiful. I love it when weather interacts with nature. We walked a bit more and went to the Tokyo Tower for some pictures. We've already been here a few other times, but I guess it was on the way, so might as well. Going back to Shibuya, the halloweekend was already very observable. A lot of people were already walking the streets in their Halloween costumes, and it's really something that I love about Shibuya. This was happening despite having large signs of warnings for the locals. You can read more about that here Shibuya Halloween 2023 Ban. While the adults rested, that didn't stop me from walking the streets at night and visiting Don Quixote. I'm trying to look for a Halloween costume. I might go as a SWAT. I put off deciding on that for when my brother gets here because he's still doing his college work, and he'll catch up in a few days. For now, I got fake blood and a pack of my favorite chocolate of all time. I got rejected in a karaoke place because I looked young. Sigh. I had one last stop at Family Mart to get pudding, then finally stayed at our hotel.
Something really unsettling happened, and for context, I encountered a recurring dream setting that I know so well, one that I've experienced many times in my dreams. I know this place like the back of my hand because of how often I've dreamed about it. Seeing it in reality was so weird.
1989 (Taylor's Version). I'm about to play my ace (ah). Taylor's fourth re-recorded album. I'm so proud of her. It was obviously awesome. I put my headphones on so I can hear every single note ever and literally danced around my room. I was listening to it the same time Sirko was. I ended up playing the album in its proper order. It was a hard decision. I've been so clean recently that playing 'Clean' first made so much sense in my head. The Vault tracks were awesome without fail. It maintained 1989's reputation for being an unskippable album. I feel like I'm such a teenage girl.
I've been packing my stuff for our yearly Halloween in Shibuya, Tokyo. I'll figure out my costume when I get there. Last year I went as Anakin. I was so cool. A lot of things are happening every single day and it's getting pretty overwhelming. I got the awarding leaks and found out I'm 5th in place out of 500 in our whole batch and 3rd in my strand (I will be third on the podium because we go first). I could've placed higher if that one teacher didn't lose my papers and blamed it on me. It's a shame how that issue was never fixed. I'm very pleased with how I reacted over that whole incident. It's great that I didn't dwell on it or made it change my whole work ethics. I cried, sure, but I got back up on my feet and figured I'd experience how unfair everything is eventually. I just need to be calm. I can't suffer reliving a mistake that wasn't even mine over living in reality. I told my mom about Wacky too. I'm catching so many deadlines and had to inform a lot of my teachers about my leave again. I did my robotics homework and updated a month's worth of entries.
I always take my time whenever I'm getting ready for school. It's guaranteed that I'll run late anyway. I missed my first class. I live like 5 minutes away from school and I can choose not to oversleep, but I do so anyway. I can get hundreds on my tests without having to attend a single class. Majority, if not all, of what I learn is usually self-taught. I just go to class sometimes to participate and establish some sort of teacher's pet relationship. Not the annoying kind, just the kind that would make them inclined to give me good grades in those subjects that require subjective grading. Anyway, I didn't know that my baby brother had an event at our school and he actually had to be early. He's late too. My bad. He had this costume on and it was so cute. Okay, my first class wasn't really important. But my second subject was. I had this business model canvas I had to present from top to bottom. I had to do everything because I didn't attend classes when my group presented it. I can do it better anyway. Being an hour late meant that I was barely in time for my second class. I ran from the front gates of my school to our building. I was running out of breath. When I got up, someone just passed me water and I wore my suit jacket and literally started talking. I'm an expert talker. I presented everything and got my compliments. After that, we had a bit of break time and I just rested. I had cheer in the next class. We did the dance and it went pretty okay. It wasn't the best, but at least that's over with. I wasn't really expecting anything since it was choreographed and practiced very last minute. Sounds dangerous for someone being thrown in the air. There's this one guy in class who compliments like everything I do, especially when I sing too. He's been asking me to make a band with him. I wish. We have a lot of presentations and defenses this week. I helped out this dude who forgot to bring formal wear and lent him my suit jacket. I got so much gossip today, and it's so chaotic. It's one after another. I am so telling all of them to Sirko. Me and Sirko are actually so in love with each other. She carried my bag, never complaining about the weight of it.
I am updating my blog again. I'm getting closer to the present time. It's hard because sometimes my drafts are just plain unreadable. Even I don't know what I think about. I did some of my homework, tackled this other project we had in like 10 minutes after a friend reminded me of it, then familiarized myself with my incredibly long presentation for tomorrow. It's a lot, but I should be able to manage myself well enough. My brain isn't at its fastest processing speed right now. I think I'm suffering from the after-effects of whatever happened yesterday.
Jojo messaged me! It's been a while. I miss her so much. The longest friend I've ever had. We've always kept in contact.
It's a well-established fact that I've never been early to my morning classes. Others in similar situations were called to the disciplinary office because it's considered a multiple offense or something. I wasn't. Unlike the others, I always cheat my way out of it. I've logged all the ways I avoided getting my lateness inputted into the system in this blog over time. Some were getting slips from the (now removed) rack and submitting an empty slip, trying my brother's trick of leaving out information in the required fields, having legible handwriting, and having connections, especially with the attendance monitor and those in charge of decoding the late slips. I'm surprised I've gotten away with this for so long. I'm seriously hacking the system, bypassing all the efforts the school takes in their disciplining.
I feel overwhelmed about everything. It's been growing these past few weeks. I mean, I have good grades, I'm not consumed by anything or experiencing stress, and I've only made one mistake this week. Is it because one of my presentations keeps getting moved, disrupting my calendar? Is it because I feel behind? I'm spiraling; it's awful.
This was all early in the morning. The day is about to get worse. I'd take that anxiety I felt in the morning as my guts preparing me for what was about to escalate.
I walked into the hall of shame. I think I got caught cheating. The teacher who caught me knew I was smart, but I did make a bunch of mistakes. She even outright just told me that she knew I could do better. In other terms - she's disappointed in me. My singular mistake from this morning isn't so lonely anymore. Atleast it has friends now, right? After I took my form B test and had that talk with my teacher, I texted Sine to meet me at the bathroom. I was one blink away from crying. I miss Sirko. I need her. My entire body is programmed to run to her during times like this. It's like deja vu. Tears rolled down my face, but it wasn't Sirko this time. It was Sine. I appreciate it, but it's different. It's raining. I'm drowning. I washed my face off and acted like nothing happened when I got back in class. I feel like everyone's after me. I'm scared, and I feel so, so small.
To top this all off, I received another text from my brother's girlfriend who was currently home. Turns out my parents have been suspecting that I'm going out with a dude, and they're really strict, so that's pretty bad. I knew they had this thought, but their guesses have always been wrong. They guessed it wrong this time too. They thought it was Skylar since they always see us in our waiting area whenever I'm getting picked up from school. But the part that made it impossible for me to deny anything was when my brother fully tattled. What a snitch. I hate that word, but he really is. I didn't want to go home because there's no way I'm handling that confrontation. I cried again. I went with Sine and watched her rehearsal for this dance she had. Her other friend saw that I was crying and called me a pretty crier. The others agreed too. So maybe this isn't such a bad day after all.
In a way, I just don't like having my work discredited for things like my inability to attend classes or persuasion, cheating, being with a dude, or being distracted and whatnot. It's not just that. It's the way those are multi-dimensional tools, making me a wider target for judgment and nitpicking in different areas. All my failures and successes wouldn't be mine anymore. I want everything to be about me and my own efforts, and I don't want other outside factors taking that away from me, if that makes sense. It sucks. I mean, I personally know my worth, but I'm supposed to be perfect. It doesn't seem that way anymore. I'm going to need to recalculate everything again.
I'm back. I can go to school again. The day shouldn't be that bad. I'm a bit overwhelmed over the thought of having missed a lot of activities but I should be able to manage it. I'm smart enough. We had an assembly and when some of the teachers that has handled me saw me, they somehow know what I've been through and they were telling me to take a break and slow it down with my studies. I love that people care about me. Honestly, I have no single doubt over the fact that I was probably talked about in the faculty. The whole day, there was like a bunch of teachers talking about health and like knowing how to manage your time and knowing when to rest. I mean, is it really our fault that the school calendar sucks that hard every year? After I did leave, apparently I made some of my other classmates sick too. So that's funny. We had our finance class and I love that teacher I swear. I mean, he's reasonable with his grades but he's a cool person. It's usually, if not is always cringe whenever teachers make one of those relatable love life jokes but he makes it funny. He also has the prettiest wife ever and he's low-key about it but when asked, he gladly showed us her picture. Since we had 2 hours for his class, an hour of it was spent with us trying to ask him questions so we can waste the class hour time. He had this topic of what's the best age to marry in our generation and he settled on 28. I still think that's too young. We had our drug testing today. It took up a bit of time so we didn't really do that much today. Height and weight update: I did not grow, and I lost weight. I am literally underweight. I'm pretty sure I'm the lightest in the batch too because when I used to do cheer, I was everyone's favorite star flyer and the other flyers who were shorter and I'm sure were way less smaller than me was somehow normal. Maybe it's because I just got out of being sick. I studied for a presentation I missed during lunch time but that was inevitably moved too. So really, the whole day was just vacant.
Skylar walked me home because we both had brothers we had to wait for and we usually do end up in the same waiting place during dismissal every single day anyway. We were talking as usual and we had this really crazy topic about certain people. I was saying their name out loud when they appeared out of nowhere in front of me. I ran so fast. It made it so much more suspicious. Skylar was laughing his ass and I facetimed him asking if they were gone. He told me they probably didn't hear it. It was so bad.
I am so out of the loop. I feel like everything has been revolving around Wacky. I am given a chance to rest today. I've been sick for weeks, possibly a month, and I'm going to start taking care of myself. Today's my excuse for a personal fix-up. There's a lot involved in a girl's routine when we say "I'll fix myself up." I do shower a lot on a normal day, but that's nothing compared to an "everything" shower day. I don't want to get into too much detail, but as I've mentioned before, I love being a girl. I tried out press-on nails today! They're actually so pretty. The way they sit on top of a nail does bother me a bit, so I know they won't last long. Still very pretty. To cap off this slow day, I studied math, created a presentation for one of my subjects tomorrow, did my research, and worked on a conceptual framework. Studying somehow added to the whole therapeutic and self-care theme of the day. I hope I don't get sick again soon.
So the game plan is for me to get over that until the very last minute the start of tonight's very occupied schedule. I had to edit our school video project. It's a skit inspired by Backyardigans - making it an obvious give away that I wrote the script. It was so funny. I love being the one in control of people and making them do stupid stuff. I mean stupid in a good way, okay. Anyway, clock was ticking so I really rushed it and I was very successful.
When that was dealt with, I got ready for the evening. I wore a black maxi skirt and one of those white long sleeves then tied a ribbon on my hair. I met up with Brie at the venue. She ate while I fixed myself in the bathroom. My ribbon wasn't centered, and I was obsessing over it. Eventually, I got it perfectly centered. Then we waited for Tony and Bokuto. The waiting incident is not to be talked about. I made an oath.
The first act was incredible; being a seasoned theater kid, Hamilton was familiar territory. I had high expectations, and the show lived up to them. an we talk about John Laurens though? His voice and his visuals? Me and Brie had our eyes set. (Sorry Wacky, I know you told me not to look at other men, not even the cast, but this dude's gay, I checked). Then came the Interlude, and we met up with Tony. His family was with him so we chatted. He told them about my thing with Wacky. What's great is that when we watched Sound of Music a while back, me and Wacky were just full-on friends. I remember them telling us during dinner that we'd look cute together. It's been a few months now, and they actually predicted our yet-to-be-relationship relationship, so it's a cool full 360. The second act made me tear up. I love Hamilton. Also, I didn't know that John Laurens was double-cast as Philip, and he literally resurrected as me and Brie's "new" crush. I fell for the same dude twice. My favorite character was probably King George. On top of his catchy songs, he delivered it so well, and it was so funny.
My friendship with Ria started because of Hamilton, I believe. We were such big fans back in middle school, and even now, as graduation nears, my love for it remains the same.
I was trying my hardest not to be that girl who sings after watching musicals. It was so good. I have no words for it because I'm just in the greatest awe. If I ever read this back, future Cy would know how I mean it when I say I'm overwhelmed with so much awe for this musical.
Post-musical, me and Brie decided to get some souvenir trinket then met Tony's family. We talked for a bit more. They decided to go out to satisfy their Korean cravings, and as much as I wanted to join, I had to go. I was left behind and alone for a bit until I got picked up.
I got banned on Instagram again. Mark really has a bone to pick with me. This has been happening at least once a month. I'm not even doing anything, I swear. I'm not a robot either, clearly. I woke up and read a bunch of random people's blog entries on their websites. I find people so interesting. I like it whenever I find parallelism in everyone's lives too. I'd say this is very similar to my other hobby of people watching. Not in a weird way, obviously. It's like, although I can be cynical at a lot of times, it doesn't mean I still don't appreciate how lives are lived by other people. I did my own blog a while after I was being creepy. It's not creepy, only I can say that to myself. I'm trying my best to update up until the current date. I also did my homework about cost structures. I was a little extra with it, as how I usually am. Then I played Roblox with Wacky before going to sleep.
My mind is currently wandering off to somewhere far. An ocean, perhaps. All my senses are completely submerged in water. It's comforting. I want to stay. But it's leaking. The first thing I heard in the morning was shouting. Then I was on my knees, and I was crying. I'm trying to drown out my home with Matilda (Harry's song). I've always used ribbons to tie my hair. I don't think I have it in me to tie it one last time, to be fully aware while forcing myself to be naive—cruel. I can't let it go. I'll always be sorry for wanting to leave. I hate that it's physically impossible for me to owe someone without returning my debt. I want to be alone and deal with this before I start offering teas and toasts. But it's a long way, and part of me wants to give up early. I'd never be able to live. My ears are ringing, and the skies are gloomy. I can't start anything without finishing this. I want to leave. I've been so good. I need instructions. Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? I've been so good.
I've just been doing my blog for this day. I did a lot. I'm very proud of myself. It's a very fitting time to relive my recent days. I read some Percy Jacksons too. If I just take my time tomorrow, I bet I can finish it in one sitting.
Wacky told me about a dream he had.
Were my ribbons tied unsymmetrically? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? The gods are not in my favor. What is wrong with me?
I read a bit today. I'm getting better, but I still feel weak. I'm less strict on myself but I did do a bunch of math for the day. I did a bit more than what was needed because I always do the most. Believe it or not, I love math. I always say I hate it but everybody knows how good I am at it. It was fun. Our cost structure was a bit harder since my group decided to make a lot of products so I had to comprehensively breakdown a lot of components, convert all that into money, start solving for labor expenses, mark-up, gross-margins, and all that.
I talked to Wacky until I drifted off to sleep. We've been doing this for so long I don't think I can sleep without him anymore. He told me my sickness would go away and used some weird tiny builder metaphor. He loves making metaphors. I love him. I love his metaphors.
Yesterday was more than just a mere nightmare; it was a harsh reality. I didn't go to school. Most people would be thrilled if literally everyone begged them not to go to school. I would be too, usually, but this week is different. We have a lot of work to do, and I can't afford to fall behind. I felt sorry for myself for a few minutes but decided to push that thought aside because I knew I was dwelling over something uncontrollable, and I know I need rest. So, I did. I spent the entire day in my room and worked on my blog. My groupmates called me from school. They needed help with their robotics, and I gladly helped. I love how my absence causes people distress. Wacky did help me in figuring out the route of the robot I was going to code too, so, thank you, Wacky. He watched Hamilton today. I had a field day with Sirko's ex. I was recreating pictures and making fun of him in the meanest way possible. In my defense, he put that on himself. Before I went to sleep, I worked on the cost structure for my project. I'd say I'm still resting. I mean, I'm using my brain, but it's not like I'm straining myself physically. In retrospect, I probably needed this break. I should do this more often.
I woke up and spent several hours at the hospital. I am on my deathbed. I am dying. It's both sad and frustrating that my immune system always lets me down. I understand that I haven't been treating it well, but I swear it's strong enough. Normally, when I get sick, I bounce back in a day. Maybe it's my body's way of getting back at me because I got upset with it last year too when it failed me during hell week. I always tell it to wait until after I finish my work. I guess that's understandable. My body is as petty as I am. The doctors advised me to stop attending classes, and I had to beg them for a doctor's note so I could attend my research defense for at least an hour tomorrow. They then proceeded to specify in the note not to let me attend until next Monday. I'll be missing quite a few days. I tried to convince them, to the point where they ended up begging me instead. I underwent a few hospital tests, and it turns out I could develop pneumonia if I don't stop overworking myself. Yeah, it's prety bad. I'm really not that hard on myself, just a bit. I got back home in the evening and took more sleep. Later, I decided to disturb Brie and Bokuto. I drew FNAF characters from memory, and they made them their profile pictures. Then, I was forced into drawing for the entire group. This is sick child labor. We made plans to watch the upcoming FNAF movie too. I'm so eexcited. My voice was barely there, and I sounded like I was on the brink of death. Somehow, I managed to infect Bokuto through the line. How that was physically possible is beyond me. It wasn't. I'm merely a wrongly accused and framed individual. I got too weak, so I decided to leave and called Wacky. We've been consistent with our sleep calls for like forever now.
I am bedridden. It's worse than it was yesterday. I managed to read more of Percy Jackson, which made the situation somewhat bearable. My head hurts. I was so out of it that I ended up in a position where a painting fell on my head. Don't question it. I now have a nice-sized knot on my head.
I've been wanting to rewatch The Notebook, so I convinced Wacky to watch it with me. He was somehow way more emotional than I was. He cried. I love The Notebook so much. I'm glad he did too.
I'm incredibly sleep-deprived, diagnosed with eternal sleepiness, but I can't sleep. Not when everything hurts, and not when I have to blow my nose and cough violently every five seconds.
I've been hit by the truck of post-midterm sickness. Sirko is also sick. I can't do anything. It's going to be my fourth week of sickness. I always tend to fall ill after midterms, but this time, I thought I might catch a break, given that I'm already sick. Turns out it could get worse. Am I okay? I feel terrible, and there's a pile of tissues in front of me. I'm in the process of constructing a fort made out of snot tissues. I'm tired. I ate around three pieces of cheese bread. After that, I slept for a full five hours. At least I'm getting my hibernation, I guess. I woke up with enough energy to read 60 pages of Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.
Whenever we have our midterms or finals, our test schedules are usually pushed back to give students extra time to study. However, on this day, that extra time was taken from us due to an earthquake. This was the first time in my maybe 14 years of my education that I had the opportunity to apply the things taught in our annual earthquake and fire drills. No one followed any of those drills. People were making jokes and were trying to study in the middle of chaos. I did both. Eventually, we received instructions to return to our classrooms, and the testing finally began. Midterms were easy as I had expected. The math test in particular, I finished in less than 10 minutes, with repeated double-checking. It seemed almost too easy, making me doubt everything. I helped others since I could, and it was relatively easy to share answers with others. Our proctor literally was almost encouraging cheating. He would leave the classroom, stare outside the window, sometime literally just face the wall. Hey, atleast I'm not the dumb kind of cheater, I'm the smart one who shares. After the tests, I finally was finally free. I could catch up on some sleep. People were happy for my sake because they knew I had been sick for over three weeks. I got home and took a short nap; later, I planto start my hibernation.
Ria and I had reserved tickets for Taylor's Eras Tour The Movie, but unfortunately, my parents revoked their permission for me to attend. I didn't want to upset my dad because his words can be very stern. It was a waste of tickets, but Ria found another friend to go with, so at least the seats weren't completely wasted.
It was my brother's birthday yesterday, and we had a belated birthday dinner. Both my brother and I weren't available on his actual birthday due to our midterms. I regretted missing his birthday last year, even though I was physically present during dinner, I was still preoccupied with my math paper. So, we went to his place, bought a cake, went to a restaurant, and had a meal together. He showed me an indie game he had, where you essentially played as Death on judgment day. It was cool; he always finds the coolest apps.
I had to choose between the movie and spending time with my brother. It's okay; I already attended the Era's Tour live at Sofi Stadium anyway.
Recently, I've been getting a lot of those, "Are you even sleeping anymore?" questions. I mean, I get that they're concerned, and I receive them quite well, but... is it really that bad? I'd argue that this is the easiest I've taken studying in quite some time. I even revised for the wrong subjects yesterday, but it didn't matter. I only read the summary notes and called it a night anyway.
Today was the first day of midterms, and I finished the tests so quickly. The most tedious and annoying subject, as usual, gave a test that didn't correspond what had been taught in class. It was expected, so I can say I still did great. The second test I had was pretty accurate to what I had studied, so I think my results shouldn't be bad. The next test was for sure aced because I'm just that awesome. I'm pretty confident with all of them. After school, I invited Sine and Louise (my study group since last year) over to brush up on math. I mostly just taught them the concepts (Feynman would be very proud) and got us Starbucks and Popeyes. Sine had to leave shortly since she had a few things she still had to study for. I mean, I'm almost just gliding through this whole midterms. A friend of mine messaged me in the evening and had a question on their test. It didn't have any answer keys, and the tests are different per section, so I gave her an answer straight from my brain. It was a pretty confusing question, so she wanted to double-check. I am somehow tolerated by the strictest teacher ever, and I just called her up. She replied quickly, and we got the answer. I was right. That's a thing that only I can do. I always seem to be the favorite student of the strictest teachers. I went through all of my the topics briefly before I slept. I think I'd do well. Oh, and it's also my older brother Luke's birthday.
The sun paints my room in a color just right. I'm reading Mary Oliver's Felicity, and it's so good. I love her. I am very sleepy. I am stuck in time. Today is a good day. My midterms schedule for tomorrow only has easy subjects, but I can say that for the entirety of midterms. There is not one single class I struggle with. I am well-prepared, and I'm not even cramming.
I came across this blog: The World's Most Common Random Number, and it's very interesting. As a fan of The Big Bang Theory, my favorite sitcom, I know all about Dr. Sheldon Cooper's obsession with the number 73. Although it's the opposite of what's in the website I found, it still applies to its concept of being the best number. In The Big Bang Theory, Season 4, Episode 10, The Alien Parasite Hypothesis, it was stated that 73 is the 21st prime number, its mirror (37) is the 12th, and its mirror (21), is the product of multiplying 7 and 3. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, meaning 1001001 backward is also 1001001, and this was the 73rd episode in the entire series. So basically, it's a prime number, meaning it only has two divisors, 1 and itself. It also fits the 73-37, 21-12 prime number pair theory and has palindromic properties in binary. Additionally, through my own research, it can be connected to the digit sum theory, as the digit sum of 7 + 3 = 10, and 1 + 0 = 1, which relates to the prime number pair theory. In ASCII, the number 73 represents the character "I," which is essentially the best letter since it's self-proclaiming to be the best. Even in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, the number 73 appeared frequently and was referred to as the best number. I've yet to read it in its entirety, but from what I've read so far, I can tell it's a 5-star book and one of the best fictions out there. Returning to the number 73, although it's not a Fibonacci number, it's related to them. If you take the ratio of consecutive Fibonacci numbers, the limit approaches the Golden Ratio, which is approximately 1.618. The ratio of 73 to 45 (two Fibonacci numbers) is very close to the Golden Ratio. It's also a well-known problem in mathematics and is often used to test algorithms for integer factorization. All in all, I think it's the best number too. My favorite number is still 7.
After that number 73 extensive research, I went to the mall around 3PM. I do not plan on studying for my midterms tomorrow. I orginally wanted to shop for clothes because retail therapy is great but I think I only got one piece of clothing and called it a day. I had sky dinner and came home to revise just a bit. I tutored Skylar and a lot of other people, actually. We played some quizzis to review our topics. Spoiler Alert: Every mock test (quizzis) I made came out in the test just like I did last year and I officially can confirm that I can predict my teacher's mind. I have super powers.
My English teacher asked if I'm getting enough sleep at night. Are the effects of sleep deprivation that noticeable on my face? The results of one of our tests came out, and everyone in the class failed miserably – literally below the passing grade. Except for me. I scored 49 out of 50. It should have been a perfect score because my answers came straight from our teacher's PowerPoint, but apparently, she required more specificity. It should have been marked correctly. I had a few side quests today. I found someone who dropped their money and returned it to them. I performed a kind act by getting food for three people. We had a robotics class, and it turned out to be a lot of fun. I'm actually starting to enjoy it. I also find it so great when people approach me for my papers. It's because our teachers don't usually provide correct answers, and I'm usually the source for answer keys.
I had forgotten how fun it was to walk home with someone. I walked with a friend for the first time in a while. We coincidentally walked the same way and started talking. It made my walk to the waiting area much faster. I stopped walking with someone ever since Sirko left. I usually wait with Skylar for our daily car rides home, but I think I'll take up the offer to walk together to our spot as well. Brie saw us and joined our conversation. We talked about college and my simple life - that Skylar heavily disagrees on. He argues that I am anything but simple because I always take the extra mile to do the most out of everything. He isn't wrong. I also drew stars on their hands because I had my pen with me.
I went out with my family for dinner. We had Japanese food at Kiwami. I also got my broken charm fixed, my preordered book finally came, and I also bought a book from Gracie's and (now mine too)'s favorite author. I picked up my preordered book Watchmen: The Deluxe Edition by Allan Moore, illustrated by Dave Gibbons and Mary Oliver's Felicity. I miss Sirko. I usually preorder books when I'm with her too. I FaceTimed her when I got home and gave her a haul. We usually give each other hauls. I was such a kid excited to tell her all about Dr. Manhattan. We also made fun of people... We used to never make fun of people. Whatever happened to being the good girls.
My dad dropped me off at school today, which doesn't usually happen. But when it does, it's typically a scary. As I had predicted, this time was no exception. He started lecturing me on how he wanted me to get more sleep and stop studying excessively. Which is a nice thing, but he says it in the scariest tone. He was threatening that if I don't slow down, he'd make me drop out. That or I'd end up too sick and would have to miss an entire school year anyway.
Our first class of the day was nothing short of stressful. A bunch of my classmates were experts in weaponizing their own incompetencies. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but a few weeks ago, maybe about a month back, we were assigned groupings, and I ended up with the worst people ever. As fate would have it, our latest task was to prepare two accounting reports each and then compile them at the end of the session. When I began collecting all the work, I noticed that most of my group members hadn't even made a single effort, and their work was just wrong. Everything was wrong.Knowing that this would affect my grade, I ended up doing all the reports myself. One of them had given up from the start, so I reassured him that I'd handle it since he clearly didn't know what to do. The other just made up his own stuff and didn't even try to make it right. I was really tired, and my hands started cramping because I had to write so much with precision, especially since accounting doesn't allow for mistakes. Literally, two of my friends from another group, who were aware of my predicament, started helping me. It was that frustrating. I even had to chase down our professor after the class ended, as he had already left. I was out of breath. I hate it when people use that old trick in the book – being incompetent on purpose so others would have to do your work. I mean, I know Rodrick (from Diary of a Wimpy Kid) literally had an entire tutorial on how you can get others to do your work for you, and it does work. But as much as I get it, please, it wouldn't hurt to try and be an actual decent person. Our next class was math, and we had a formative long test. We were allowed to work in partners and like in perfect sync, before I could even look at him, Skylar dragged his chair up next to mine. We worked on the test pretty fast. It was so easy. I was somehow allowed to use my phone during the test and we started filming thirst traps while everybody else was stressing.
I studied for my MIL class and took the test. I think I did well, I probably got a perfect grade or at most, one mistake. At lunchtime, I practiced for a research defense. We were the first in our batch to present our research title, we're pretty advanced since we are the "smart group". By "smart," I mean we had two of the top students from our strand, literally just me and the friend I've mentioned in this blog before. During the presentation, our research panelist praised my speaking and articulation skills. I accept all the compliments, and she even mentioned that I was better my brother, whom she had handled previously. I genuinely love presentations; I am so good at speaking, and no matter the topic, I can manage to speak at length. I got home and collapsed on the floor carpet. I tried to study, but something was bothering me. I talked to Sirko for a bit and just laid in my bed and cried, and moped. I hate myself
I drew a deer. I studied MIL all morning, sticking to my usual study-sleep-study-sleep routine. Surprisingly, my 10-minute naps were particularly effective today. I was convinced I had slept longer. I made progress on my research, covering a huge portion of it. Then I studied math. I just brushed over the topics for a bit. I'm glad I had studied them some day ago before, I'm not cramming in the slightest, and it feels great. I am so Flame Princess. I've been getting back into the Adventure Time lore again. And while I've had this interest for a while, that I was even there for the release of its last episode, it's different this time. There's new answers to some old questions. There's a new spin-off series called Adventure Time: Fionna and Cake (fun fact, I used to own the original comic for that spin-off), and from what I've gathered so far, I already know how good it is. Lacy is haunting me. There she goes again.
I got ready. I love being a girl. I had Stick Season on loop (again) throughout the whole morning. It's so fitting for fall. I went out with Wacky, and I was late again; I suck. We went to the dog cafe I'm a regular at and I studied for like 5 hours while Wacky just stayed there, reading Harry Potter. Isn't that so cute? I mean, for the first hour, I'm pretty sure I was just showing off how I get hundreds on every test and have the whole syllabus of every subject ever memorized. We got biscoff and carbonara. Both of which are my cravings (he's copying me). He tried studying too but gave up after like 5 minutes. It's probably the most trivial thing, but I asked him a question and he helped me by guiding my hands to explain the difference between two concepts and I was literally falling in love with him. I can't get it out of my head. Then we eventually transferred to booth seats, and I started making summary notes on my laptop, he had me in his arms the whole time. I personally enjoyed his company. I don't know about him though. I wish he were always with me whenever I study. It gives me the greatest sense of comfort. I know I study a lot, but if I were with him, I'd seriously never stop. We left the cafe, and he wanted frozen yogurt (less ice cream, ice cream) or something, so we tried looking for a shop. He did. I told him froyo is just the healthier but less tastier version of ice cream, like how they say tofu is literally the healthier version of chicken. It's different. Not even close. He went for that healthy option and ended up putting a gazillion worth of different kinds of chocolate toppings – a setup for diabetes. How do you make the healthier alternative of a food unhealthy? And why? We sat outside for a bit so he could eat his wannabe ice cream. Then he started acting like a child, so I had to feed him (he's so cute, I was freaking out on the inside). Then he looked for a bottle of water. After he got that, we headed to a bookstore. He's so pretty, I can't help but stare. Is that rude? He wanted a physical copy of Harry Potter, and I just followed him. He dragged me along with him for the rest of the day until he had to leave. I was kind of sad. We said our goodbyes, and I went back to the bookstore to preorder Watchmen because I've been wanting to read it but haven't been able to. I gave up on looking for a good book. I can always just specifically ask for what I want anyway. Wacky called today's date a presence date. I hope he didn't mind the fact that I was literally glued to my lecture notes. I got home and taught my baby brother the difference between fruits and vegetables.
I made myself a peanut butter sandwich. It took me 5 hours or more to finish that sandwich. I watched Peter Pan with Wacky too. He fell asleep midway.
My head hurts. It's throbbing, and I wish for the entire world to quiet down by a few decibels. I woke up early because I didn't want to be late for this test we had. I think I got a perfect score. Our teacher even gave us lollipops while taking the test. I finished so fast, while everyone literally struggled. It was an enumeration type test, and not everyone memorizes every material ever given to them, like I do, so they had a hard time. It was so easy. I managed to take a picture of the test because I help friends out. Is it unfair? Yeah. But I'm a good friend, and I don't mind risking a few things to help others. My friend and I were hopping between classrooms for consultations. Our class is known for being smart, and our professor got kind of mad at us because we finished our whole term paper. It's impressive, but now she wants to make it harder for us. She gave us a bunch of corrections when we submitted it for proofreading, and we had to revise it. We did it in front of her quickly because she told us that if we were the first to finish, she'd give us additional points. Lunch with Ria was spent talking about my recent obsession with Stick Season (Olivia covered it and it was so good). Then we also discussed our game plan for the Eras Tour Movie. I had our club meeting too. My friends and I decided to cut the first half. I wanted to eat pizza. I went to the club and got nominated for secretary. I won. I just naturally have charm. I live life on easy mode, I swear. I have some extra time for updating my blog. I am so behind. I've been showering for the same amount of numbera regular person would in a day, and that's concerning. I don't take care of myself anymore. It's the same no eat, no drink, no sleep (heavy on no sleep) routine.
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I have a lot of tests today. I can't afford to skip school even when I'm severely sick. It took me so long to get ready. I was dragging myself. I felt terrible. I mean, I did predict it. I'm sick. I went downstairs to eat and started crying. I dropped my glass of water, and it spilled everywhere because I had no ounce of strength left in me. I have a lot of tests. I took some medicine and left the house, but I had forgotten my glasses. I'm too sick to be frustrated. I cried in my first class as well because I kept on falling asleep. We had a cheer to perform, and I still had to teach people. My teacher noticed how sick I was and allowed me to go rest. I managed to do my tests reasonably well. As expected, one of the tests didn't have any of the material we had been taught. This subject has always been problematic, and I'm not even going to question it. Our teacher hadn't taught a single thing, and none of the topics she said would be on the test were included, so I don't even plan on studying for our midterms anymore. I have the whole entire book and lesson transcriptions memorized at this point. My brain has been hurting for two days now, and I'm still extremely sleep-deprived and sick. I know the importance of sleep, but the thing is, there wouldn't be much to retain if I didn't know the contents of the test. The whole premise of resting is to store and clean memory in the hippocampus. I need to study. More.
I studied for a moderate amount of time, I'd say. I think I'm gonna get sick. I can predict it. Wacky wasn't satisifed with the piece he made yesterday and remade the ending. Thank you, I love you.
I miss this, the feeling of death. Around this time last year, every single day, I remember writing about how nauseous I'd always feel. It's back, and I still can't figure out what causes it. Is it my dehydration, lack of sleep, an empty stomach, or perhaps my period? I'm really leaning towards stress if I'm being honest. I mean I don't think I am. I just know it's not the kind of stress that I consciously recognize, but more of a subtle mental strain pushing my body to its limits. It's rainy. I woke up early so I can go to school early. Our marketing subject was so easy. I memorized more than what came out and I was surprised the quiz ended just like that. I'm starting to fully have my grasp on math too, so that's great. I have this new friend who helped get my thoughts together. Never knew he was smart. Our math test was rescheduled so my body took it as a signal to take its rest. I slept the whole day. During lunchtime, I played Minecraft with Ria, and we had a bit of a struggle, but it was fun. Robotics class was also awesome. I got to my car and cried because I was so tired. Okay, yeah, my body is defintely telling me something. My baby brother cried too because he's been so stressed out about school (he's in kindergarten). I studied some more when I got home and did my homeworks. Wacky finished his piano piece composition for me and he's literally so cool and I'm so in love with him. I made it my ringtone.
Back to the same old routine with physical school starting again. I love how they can integrate online classes now without much issues. I woke up so early that I was practically fighting for my life to get out of bed. I almost left my bag, but I wasn't in too much of a hurry because I'm usually late anyway and quite used to it. My first subject was finance, and I was so tired. We had a whole recitation and quiz all at once, out of nowhere. We had just come back from a week of not studying and pretending to listen, but I should've seen it coming. Maybe I did and just placed my hopes on the unlikeliness of not having to do anything. I think I did decently in both. In English, we played a trivia-based game called Jeopardize, the mechanics hacing a selection of questions in each category, and they have points corresponding to their difficulty. The most points win, and you can also steal points or turns from slow-brained participants. I was ahead by 3000 points, which might sound unfair, but it's not my fault I'm smarter than everyone else. I had lunch with Ria, just like every other regular school day, except there was a lunch concert thing, and I actually ate real school food. If you've read my blog long enough, you'd know that I don't eat much. Brie gave me a crocheted Luffy straw hat pin, and I wore it the whole day. I got a bunch of compliments. When class ended, I caught up with Brie at our school's butterfly garden. We had to patch up a couple of things since we had fallen out for a while, but I'm glad we're okay again. Words were said, and I still mean all of them. We acknowledged both sides, and we're moving forward.
I have a test tomorrow, and I really need to study. I invited a friend over, Louise (whom I haven't mentioned in a while and have started referring to as just another friend), to my house because we wanted to study at a cafe, but I forgot my laptop. Studying outside boosts my productivity, or maybe it just keeps me awake, which is just about all I need. Louise met my baby brother, and they played for a while. We went to the cafe from the very beginning because I hadn't been paying attention the whole previous week. It went pretty well, I think. I got home, took a shower, studied some more, and tutored a few friends.
I'm so tired that I feel nauseous. I still did my normal obsessive memorization and tutored my friends. Wacky's making me another song because he scratched the other one. I literally find anything he makes so good he doesn't get it.
I only studied for a short while because I'm still caught up in that whole petty process of trying to prove myself to Wacky. The issue is, I haven't covered any of the material in our coursework, and I can't even rely on my stock knowledge, so I had to browse through my topics. Even then, I didn't study as obsessively as I typically would. At one point, my day reached a stage where I literally had nothing to do, which is concerning. I often underestimate how much time studying consumes in my daily schedule. The new dog I mentioned a few entries ago and that I've been playing with every night was moved to our farm, which means I won't see him for a while. I'm sad. My brother came back from college and warned me about its system. He brought do much stories with him and he still looks homeless. I think it's the last time he'll stay at home for a while, as he'll be spending the majority of his days in his dorm or apartment, or wherever the hell he even lives at. I helped him with his homework and postponed mine for a bit. When I finally got some time to myself, I raced spedran at least ten homeworks while Wacky watched me. They're all due tomorrow. I really need better time management. Or at the very least, rewire my brain to prioritize the right things first.
I want to buy a lamp. I think buying a lamp would make my life better. I think it's a choice that would positively impact the quality of my daily living. I wrote in my morning pages again for the first time in a while. I'd typically say it's a good thing, but to be completely honest, I only tend to write in it when something's bothering me. I'm a stupid girl. I didn't use my phone much today because I needed some time to think. It's not that bad, really. I feel more productive when I consciously set aside distractions. I finished my college essay and sent it to Sirko. I consider myself a good writer. I don't that much pride in it, but I know I have a talent for it. Like with literally everything else too. Maybe it's because I'm smart, or at least I'd like to believe I am. What if I'm just a star that shone too brightly and is starting to burn out? I created a new playlist, which suggests that I do care and that things do bother me. I'm skilled at converting my emotions into tangible things. I think I have it under control. I always do. I called Skylar late at night because it turned out I didn't convert all of my emotions successfully and I still needed some consultation. Then I transferred to another call with my research group. I didn't study just to prove a point to Wacky. I wish I could. I love studying.
I am front porch sitting. I hate men. Sirko called to tell me that she and her ex broke up. Yes, ex. I hate that I even referred to him as her boyfrined for a while. Turns out, he did lie. He had been lying from the very beginning, and everything has come full circle to that first big fight. I don't want to get into detail, but he sucks. Sirko's other friends joined us and it was such girl frustration session. The fact that we put Skylar's reputation on the line just to believe that dude. I mean, I didn't believe him the first time, but Sirko did, and I believed in Sirko. I think it really is just in our human nature to believe who we want to believe. Belief is a weird thing. It's like blindly trusting a concept. Not exactly the best idea. It reminds me of Peter Wason's documented psychological phenomenon, which is often referred to as confirmation bias. I learned about it back then during a debate I had with someone who believed in star signs. Not that I care about any of that, not have I done enough research on star signs to conclude whether I want to believe in it or not, but I did enjoy debating with people. The bias essentially states that individuals tend to selectively favor information that confirms their existing beliefs and downplay information that contradicts those beliefs. I studied a lot today because I'm trying to catch up with the lessons, so I don't have to cram during hell week. I spent four hours studying, and I think it went well. I refined and polished my college essays too.
I continued watching Elemental with Wacky. I'm sad. Not because of the movie.
Wacky is always copying my cravings. We are becoming one sentient creature. Sine FaceTimed me really early because she needed help with her test. I've always been the type to be available in a single call, but it's 6 AM, and I am tired. Because I'm nice anyway, I answered the call and provided the best of my assistance. My whole day was essentially free.
Thunder scares me now. It's funny (not really) because I went through this quirky girl phase, like how pretty much everyone else did, and back in elementary and even in early middle school, during thunderstorms, everyone would scream and cry. I, on the other hand, never did. But now, thunder actually scares me, along with many other things that should have scared me as a child but I suppressed. I think I'm just healing my inner child. It feels like the destruction of the Earth is happening right at this very moment. I bet each thunderclap is actually the slow tearing of the time and space continuum. I watched a bit of Modern Family today. It's a lazy day. I also watched Elemental with Wacky, but I got sleepy midway through, so we had to continue it the next day. Sorry Wacky. The movie is so sad (atleast half of it for now).
I have champagne problems. I'm kidding, I don't. I skipped class, but my attendance was still marked. I went to town with Sine and studied at our usual cafe spot. We had biscoff and made a TikTok while we were at it. I love studying outside because it keeps me awake. My body screams at me frequently because I always neglect it, but I think I keep my health well-balanced enough. Sine is like the greatest study company. Our study habits are almost identical, which is incredibly convenient for the both of us. It's unfortunate that we got separated this year. After wrapping up our review, I convinced her to go book hunting with me. I've been in the biggest book slump ever, and every time I see a bookstore, I look around and declare that every book sucks. It's not my fault; I've read so many books that I'm going through this weird "I've read everything and I can predict the plot line" phase. Sine was also looking for a book, but hers was for her college exams. I already have mine. I'll get to studying that in a bit, hopefully. As expected, I ended up not buying any books. Instead, I got some Legos, specifically the Batmobile from Pursuit: Batman vs. The Joker. I then met up with my parents at a Thai restaurant and I just sat there because I was still full (even my parents don't force me to eat, take notes Wacky). When I got back home, I played with the dog. I found my old phone, which was pretty cool. I looked through some of my old photos and that further proved (and sadly reminded me of) my cringe past.
We had a presentation in our entrepreneurship class where we needed to propose a business idea. Personally, I procrastinated the whole week and had no single idea in mind. It took me 3 minutes to come up with an elaborate one and even edit my entire PowerPoint just before our presentation. I call that talent; I've never lost my touch with last-minute everything. I used to live on the edge back in 7th grade. I did all of that when I had just woken up, but once my adrenaline wore off, my brain started processing things, and I realized I had woken up with the most massive headache. I used to never experience them, but now I have them so often. It's like when you move, your head throbs; it sometimes even stings. I knew I needed some rest, but I still have yet to take a proper one.
I managed to sleep for two hours but got woken up by Wacky, as we were still on a call. I heard noises from his side, and I like that it woke me up. I always get so happy when I get the chance to talk to him for even just one second.
Later in the evening, I told Wacky about the Taylor Swift lore. Long story short, we're basically married now. For 3 hours straight, he listened to me talk about every single song on every single album ever. To me, it seemed like he was actually genuinely interested, and I hope he was. It all started with me mentioning the whole Travis Kelce thing, and then we went into deatil with the whole love triangle. I had already given him a summary of that a while back, but this time, I made him annotate and dissect each line of the songs. He now knows about Marjorie, Ronan, and everything, including her cat's net worth. We talked about the lore until midnight. Then I wanted to take a shower, but it somehow turned into a competition to prove that I can shower fast. I can't. I shower multiple times a day, but it's physically impossible for me to shower as quickly as he does. I told him my shower routine, which makes perfect sense, by the way. He insists that he does it better and more efficiently. We did a shower race, and he won. By cheating.
Lately, I've been in a mood where I genuinely want to flood my room with natural sunlight. Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift just made their first public appearance together. She attended his game, and they left Arrowhead together. I've been so invested in them. I love them together so much. Part of me still holds onto Joe (to the memories that hold on to me), but I'm glad Taylor is happy. They're actually perfect for each other. I'd go into detail, but that would take too long. All I can say is that I believe he's her soulmate. Their whole situation made me create own playlist around that tight-end, first-string romcom cliche. I also started watching Modern Family again. I made an attempt a few months ago but only got through 3 episodes. Today, I managed to watch 10. Then, at night, I spent time playing the electric guitar. I did a cover of Teenage Dirtbag and decided I'm literally Noelle now.
I studied the most minor, useless, unbelievably long, and redundant subject because our teacher is so self-centered, and there isn't even one single valuable content in her subject. In case you're wondering, it's theology. I didn't even need her subject for my college applications. I'm only putting in effort because I need that perfect grade for my GPA. She expects too much from her barely even a class, class. My day went like how most of my days go: Woke up, slept, showered, slept again, and studied. Then, I studied some more and finally got some rest. I played Roblox with Wacky before going to sleep. It was a 2 played obby and I sucked at it.
I’m going out with Wacky again! It’s our 3rd week in a row of going out. My morning didn’t start off as smoothly as I would’ve wanted it to be. I was looking for my glasses for about an hour. I eventually gave up all hopes of finding them and finally went out to see the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen. We started off with him finding me again. We spent the whole day like we were inseparable. We tried out the arcade, and I sucked at everything. I swear I usually don’t, but apparently I do because he was winning every game. Especially at bowling, I was barely hitting the pins. Whatever happened to my competitiveness? My theory is that he might just be my kryptonite. I am weak in his presence. Like quite literally too. He ate, and I had very specific cravings. I dragged him with me to buy coconut milk and those twister fries from McDonald's. We were so cute. After spending an extended period of time with each other, we decided to settle down at the benches we always go to. We were the same old, all over each other. It’s not like we can help it. I met my family of pigeons for a minute until I approached them, and they all decided to collectively ditch me. He lay down on my lap and was zoned out. I found out that my heart does beat a little faster than his does when I’m around him. He made me wear his watch that checked my BPM, so that’s actual proof that I love him more. Right? I tried looking for books to read again. I still can’t find my way out of my little book slump. Maybe next time. We were hugging each other between the bookshelves at the very back of the bookstore. It felt very intimate. At least for me it did. He’s so pretty. He told me I looked pretty once, and I hope he meant it.
I had my online classes on auto-pilot. After that, I did my college essay. The whole application process is so tedious I hate it. I should be putting it on top priority, but for some weird reason, I'm benching it. Right now, there's this whole ash fall situation going on, which I wasn't even aware of. I'd know if I actually touched grass or even opened the blinds in my room. Lately, I've been feeling so out of it. Wacky and I have plans for tomorrow, and I can't cancel. I feel so bad.
I'm still sick, but I'm feeling somewhat better now. We adopted a new dog - he's a Shiranian. I had a lot of deadlines to meet, so I had to work on them. I spent almost the entire day finishing them. Honestly, I don't remember much from this day. It must have been a rather boring one.
Today is pretty much a replica of yesterday's. I'm still incredibly sick with no hope of survival, still working on the same bracelet, all while watching the rest of Mashle. The only thing on my calendar was this interview I had. It sucked because I didn't even think I'd have enough energy for it. I didn't want to cancel it because the interviewer was really nice, and I didn't have it in me to stand her up or something. We did the interview, and she likes me. I'm likeable. She complimented me on my articulation. After that, I continued to do nothing. I need rest. I also played Go with Wacky. I was bad at it. I am somehow always losing whenever I'm going up against him.
It's Rhett's birthday. I greeted him. I wished him a good life. I truly have the sincerest appreciation for the few close friends I have. Lately, I've been occupying my time building Legos. I think it's fun. It helps get my mind off things. My brain is always in the gutter, so it's nice to take it off that for quite some, albeit temporary, time. I finally decided to watch this anime (Mashle) I've been wanting to see for a while. All I knew about it was that it was a summer anime that received quite the attention and falls into the category of fantasy shounen with an overpowered main character. Interestingly, it's created by the same team responsible for Fairy Tail, a series that's been criticized for being copy-cats. Anything made by them is guaranteed plagiarized. They execute their stuff well enough, so it's excusable. I watched 10 episodes of Mashle, the anime I've been talking about, and I've also been making more embroidery bracelets. Unfortunately, I'm still sick, and I feel really, really unwell. I feel like dying.
I am god. My baby brother just made himself his very first little monologue about him traveling in different dimensions and how I wasn't talking to him. My baby brother is my descendant. If anyone has a god complex, it's me. And I'm not even talking about it in a psychological way. My kind of God complex is on the extreme. I am so convinced I'm a multidimensional god that can control matter along the lineup of Azatoth - an outside god. I'm proud of my baby brother. We had online classes today. I was pretty active, which was rare (in an online setup). I'm usually given host permissions and I always abuse it. There's also this new update on avatars, and I had fun customizing and collecting new backgrounds. I miss this. I've been into Coraline recently. It's such a good film. I love the lore in every detail. I'm relatively deep into it too.
I'm now perfecting my craft with alpha embroidery bracelets. I like how online classes give you so much freedom.
I applied for more colleges. I hope I get accepted. I only did the big schools. I have no backups.
Putting lipstick on a pig. What a tragic sentence.
I FaceTimed Sirko. We don't call as often anymore because of time zones, but there's always a 99% chance that one of us is dying. This time, it was me. I am literally dying. This is my whole entry: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I got another message. Why. After that, me and Sirko made sure to fill up our karma meter because it seems today was the day it was filled, and I got hit with the worst karma ever. It's okay, at least we're back to reset. We made fun of people. We can't help it. I have about 9 more mess ups left until it gets back at me in full circle.
My brother came back home from college. He might stay for a week. I told him about Wacky. He told me he already knew. He shared a bunch of his college stories too, and it's so cool. I miss it. His stories. I remember always using all his stories as a guide since I'm a year below him. His life right now is so different, and his new adventures are so in the real world now. It scares me.
I had to write this script for a presentation tomorrow really quickly before going to bed. I'm always chasing after time.
I have another date with Wacky. I came across some problems before meeting up with him. I was panicking. I was texting Sirko, Skylar, and Sine all at the same time. I won't get into detail, but it was straight out of Mission Impossible (it wasn't, and I'm dramatic). Back to the main plot, he looked for me again because until now he refuses to meet up like a normal person, and he still wants to watch me lose because I'm literally blind and it's unfair. I'm not a sore loser. I won the first time we played his hide and seek game or whatever. We ate first because he was hungry. I was held at gunpoint. He forced me to eat. Wacky then suggested we watch something and somehow successfully convinced me to watch (I should probably put air quotes on watch at this point) a movie with him. He picked this really random one that had two other parts, and his defense was that it could be stand alone. It wasn't. We waited for a bit. We walked around, talked, the usual. I just enjoy his company a lot. We entered the cinema pretty early so for a while, it was just commercials playing. I tried sleeping while waiting for the movie commercials to end. Wacky was just there. Then it started. Wacky took no time in uh… doing whatever he wanted. What movie was it? I barely remember. Wacky says he likes to multitask, but he's way worse. I at least try to watch. I bet if I asked him now he wouldn't even know what's the name of the movie we had just watched. I remember because I'm great. We watched The Equalizer 3. My favorite part of this whole thing was when we went to Decathlon. I got dragged, but I somehow find it so cute. He tried showing off his roller skating skills. I wanted to push him off, and I was hoping he'd trip so I could make fun of him. He didn't. I guess it was my favorite part because it seemed like I was just watching him in his natural habitat, and I liked that. I have so much admiration for him. He impresses me a lot. He's so attractive, and he's not even doing anything. The rest of it was us together, maybe not all the time because he's always finding ways to embarrass himself in public. But I love him, and I find it funny, and I know he's joking. Until he does that thing where every time we go up an escalator he has to carry me like I'm a kid. The dude's weird. I love him. Anyway, I had to leave soon, so he got himself a drink, and we just talked some more. He doesn’t even know my middle name. Oh, and a random kid said hi to me. I am so approachable. I bet she thought I was cool. I have that effect on children. Hey, it's happened before.
I got picked up by my parents and we had dinner. I got biscoff too. Today’s a long day.
I slept the whole day. I don't even remember anything too memorable in school. I am very tired. Sine and I craved wings and decided to stop by to get some after school. We hung out at my nearest mall, did a bunch of TikTok dances like weirdos, ate cookies, and had a very casual and classic hang out. I did a bunch of homework when I got home and watched Wacky design his bridges, or whatever game he was playing. Remind me to ask him. I actually want to play it too. He's so cool.
I feel sick. Again.
We had a presentation in our entrepreneurship class. It went well. I always do well with my presentations. Somehow, I can disperse this weird energy I literally pull out of nowhere and be entertaining (in a sense) for once. I always get compliments whenever I do any form of public speaking. I owe all that to my oral communications teacher last year. I honestly just give him all the credit. I got so much confidence because of him. I'm genuinely never forgetting him as a teacher. He's such a DILF too. Pretend I didn't say that. But in all seriousness, I really do owe him a lot. A year prior to that, I would literally cry before any presentation ever. I guess he gave me the right push I just about needed. Now I don't even get shy anymore; it's concerning.
After school, I called Sine and we did a little guitar duet. It was unsuccessful. Imagine the delay. After that ended, I did another cover. I pulled out my guitar and did Lacy. I posted it and started spiraling. That song is made for me. I feel for that song so much. I want it written in my autobiography. I am poisoned. It's weird because I'm the one who collects ribbons in my hair. How can I have everything but still want more.
My brother had a Zoom class, and I monitored him. It was so funny; he was singing and everything. I forgot how kids work. My baby brother is quite the trouble kid but at least he's good at math, I'm not too concerned. He'll redeem himself sooner or later. I was supposed to have this interview today, but it got canceled, so that sucked. But then again, I can do it anytime. I did a guitar cover, posted it, and my friends were teasing, telling me how it was literally impossible that I wasn't being sad and I actually did a Lover song. I know, I suck. I am no longer the way I was. At night, I watched You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah with Wacky, and it was so cringe. Funny but in a cringe way. We literally had to pause it a couple of times. It doesn't really matter because Adam Sandler's entire family was there, and I thought it was pretty decent.
I had my math test and, as usual, I got a perfect score. I'm now temporarily a free woman. I cried during class. I got hard flashbacks from this english teacher who audited our class. I was doing so well too. I was being attentive the whole day.
Ria and I decided to go out and eat at Popeyes. We also got some Biscoff. We've declared Tuesdays as our official hangout day after school. Ria was looking for a pen pouch to keep some of her things in her pink bag. She's really big on organization. Her bag is extremely heavy. See, I personally could never, because my bag quite literally contains nothing but thin air. But hey, the contents of your bag doesn't define you student ethics. One might think I'm lazy, but I get everything done at home and store everything in my know-it-all brain. I get good results. My brain gets me perfect grades.
Back to the main storyline, one of the pouches Ria found had a ring inside, and we came up with a bunch of theories surrounding it. It made sense because Ria's an author, and I'm a closeted Chuunibyou... We made up stories like what if someone was proposing and they set up a scavenger hunt, or what if the ring was haunted, or maybe someone was conducting a social experiment, and more of that stuff.
Then like out plan, we actually ate at Popeyes and got our usual orders. I usually just go for the chicken tenders and fries. We had Biscoff, and the dogs still love me. I'm like the most loyal regular ever, I swear. Ria left early since she was only waiting for her sister's dismissal. I met up with other friends, and we talked at the usual hangout spot in front of Shake Shack (am I doxxing myself?). I bought my mom food before I got home and got a game and a new webcam from our local game stop. We played a bit and wanted to do karaoke, but other people were hogging it. Sine and I decided we'd just go for a race while our other friend tried to catch claw machine prizes.
Me and Wacky have been sleep calling and like just altogether, calling for the whole day for about two weeks now. This week, I've been super tired, and I've been doing this thing where I'd fall asleep mid-talking. I tried my best, but I kept on falling asleep. It's unfair.
I woke up and got ready. Guts by Olivia Rodrigo is still on repeat during my car ride to school. I love it so much. Every day or two, I gain this new obsession with another track from her album. I did well on my English presentation. I got another perfect score. After school, I studied for four more hours with Sine in Math. Math sure is confusing. It's not entirely hard; it's just something that requires a bit of practice and getting used to. I'd say it's more contextual rather than using formulas, and memorization is where I excel. But I can guarantee that it'll be really easy soon once I get the hang of it.
I am literally Tinkerbell. You can't convince me otherwise. I'd resort to a last-ditch effort one day. I'd never be Wendy. Because, what about Wendy? She’s made out of angel dust, and for the least, I get pixie dusts for compensation. Sirko is gonna hate me if she sees this. Lol.
kds’r ad gnmdrs, vd jhmcz cn rntmc sgd rzld.
I finally downloaded Subnautica for my baby brother. I downloaded it last night, and it took so long. I woke up earlier than usual and studied the entire math coverage with Sine. I also attempted to make embroidery bracelets. I failed, but it was an honest, correctable failure, maybe. I'll try again tomorrow. I reviewed my summary notes some more, did it for all the subjects, blurted them out, reread them, just that whole process. There's no way I'm getting a grade lower than a perfect score.
I woke up early, partly because I had a date with Wacky (the third one, and yes, I'm counting), and partly because I had to complete two of my college applications.
I wore a Kurt Cobain shirt, and we all know what that means. I'm still waiting for the day when a Nirvana fan will approach me and list down like 10 songs. I've memorized a few (even though I barely listen to Nirvana). I'm pretty sure the list I memorized started last year during my first few entries. I love being with Wacky. It's so easy when I'm with him, except for the part where he thinks I'd die if I skip a meal or two. We talked a lot, and we never run out of topics. At least, I don't, and it seems that any conversation I have always flows smoothly, except when I want absolutely nothing to do with the second party converser. Anyway, we ate at McDonald's and sat just to pass the time until the movie. I don't really count it as wasting time. I think he's fun to be around. I'd even enjoy an eternity of silence with him. He makes me nervous a lot.
We stopped by the arcade, and I sucked at everything. I can't punch to save my life. Back to the movie, he somehow managed to convince me to watch a horror film, "The Nun," to be specific. I've watched almost every movie in their whole franchise universe, so even though I don't like watching horror movies now, I am still way ahead of the horror game because of my past. We watched "The Nun." Well, I can at least say that I watched it. Wacky had different plans. Too bad. I swear he's always making progress each time we hang out (friendly date). We did other stuff, looked around, and it was getting late. We decided to go outside and sit down. He hypothetically and theoretically asked me to be his girlfriend, but we ended up debating over the definitions of "hypothetical" and "theoretical." If you hypothetically or theoretically (doens't matter) asked me to be your girlfriend, I still would've said yes.
GUTS RELEASE. PRETTY ISN'T PRETTY, the first song I listened to. I knew it would be my song. I've always had a love-hate relationship with tucking my hair behind my ears. Sirko told me it was her song too. She's literally the prettiest girl ever. I listened to her new album on the way to school in the car. It's so good. Olivia always produces the best songs ever.
Our first subject was originally meant for this announced quiz that I studied for last night, but it was moved. I fell asleep the moment the teacher told us she was moving it. We had a mass, and I still fell asleep. I just made my friends tell me when I had to stand up or sit down. I can sleep just about anywhere. I spent my breaktime with Ria as per usual. I got an iced coffee and did more school stuff. During lunchtime, I went to the library with Ria again, and we made this new rule that instead of eating, we'd just go to the library and study. Is it unhealthy? Possibly. But knowledge is up for consumption too. Okay, that sounds way too nerdy. Not in a weird way.
We had to pick a club, and that was horrible. I already had a position at the school paper but I don't think I have it in me to write a new article every week without Sirko. I couldn't pick anything. All the factors I used to use to pick my club before are gone now. The factor in question is just Sirko. I have friends, but they're all pretty serious about what they pick. I was very indecisive until the last minute. I was having this conversation with a friend who didn't know what club to choose either and really just wanted some vacant time, and we somehow ended up just joining the board games club. Except, there's a problem. This club is very popular for the reason that we literally don't do anything. I was a founding member of this club five years ago, back in 7th grade. I also did not have a club then. By some weird fate, all those who didn't have a club were wandering around in the same area. I go to a big school, so it was really just pure coincidence. We had a little gathering in this area, and we attracted more clubless people. That's when we decided we literally don't want to look for any other clubs. We had a club formed, and we looked for someone to supervise, and the board games club was made. AKA the free time club. Back to the present time, the club had a cutoff. Luckily, my friend has connections, and our group from last year was really close with the teacher who was handling the club. He called her. She didn't pick up, but when we did arrive there, it was almost full. My friend got some other person to sign up our names, and that right there is full-on unfair for those who actually lined up. Did I do anything about it? No. It was a bad thing, but even the teacher chose to turn a blind eye. Once that was settled, we went out and got fries. Some student council thought we were cutting, but we asked for permission from our moderator, so that wasn't much of a problem.
It's Gracie Abram's birthday. I love her so much. All her songs are stolen from my diary. She's so perfect, and I love how she's connected to Star Wars too. I forgive his father for drilling holes into the Star Wars plot, making a lot of sacrifices be in vain, and killing Ben. His daughter makes up for all his crimes. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I swear I just really love getting ready for school. It's so peaceful. I advanced studied a lot last night. Wacky woke up in our call pretty early. He read me a bedtime story. I had my Airpods on, and I was literally silently giggling in class. He's so sweet. He makes me so blushy. We had this class where we had to make our own dance and perform it after the allotted time given for practice; it was so funny. I'm not having the best of times with Math. I mean, I'm getting perfect scores and everything, but at the same time, I feel like something is missing. I feel like I just have too many unanswered questions that make everything so confusing even when I am fully capable of solving every problem ever. I picked up my brother again before going home, showered, had my dermatologist appointment, then studied more before going to bed.
Another early morning. I had my orthodontist appointment. I slept for a bit then dropped my baby brother off at school. I went out and got more of my writing pads because I swear by them. I need to start studying. I got myself other stuff too. I got embroidery threads, and that's something. I have plans. I'm gonna start making bracelets. I Studied for 4 hours and got carried away. I semi-studied like the whole term for ABM118, thenmade 2 other summary notes for different subjects.
The humidity is fogging up my glasses. It's been too rainy recently. I feel so over the clouds. A cumulus cloud at that. I am not late for class today. That's an achievement. I made it 7 AM on the dot. Ria has pointed out that I burn my tongue a lot and my taste buds are burnt, which is why I don't have taste, and our long-going debate of my hatred for curry and her love for it becomes null. I still hate curry. I don't think my tongue has ever experienced the light of day. I swear I always just eat without thinking about the temperature of food. But hot is when food is good, so I have to make sacrifices. We had a class election. I was nominated for Vice President. Class democracy. I was the only person who got all the votes. One person didn't vote for me even though they wanted to but couldn't because they nominated another candidate. There was also another dude who nominated another candidate, but for some weird reason, he got to pass his vote to me, somehow. I love being loved. I mean, I won by a Lituya Bay landslide. I'm quite literally the only person everyone agreed on. I was very attentive today in class. I think I got the ego boost. I had to pick up my baby brother after my class, and that was so tiring. I almost fell asleep in the waiting area. My baby brother talked about the new friends he made. So cute. I got home, slept, showered, slept, then showered again. I'm a crazy person. I was going to study, but Wacky convinced me to just watch something with him. I told him I wanted to try out those interactive Netflix films. We did Choose love. Then some other trivia ones. I studied for like 30 minutes then talked to him til I fell asleep.
The loud pouring rain is playing percussion on every surface it touches. I am waiting for a class suspension. I went to school. There were no class suspensions. I had my first quiz. I got a perfect score. Obviously. I am still in a call with Wacky just to put it out there. I did the rest of my school day, and I did whatever routine a normal student had. I was gonna go home but I got invited out. We had McDonald's. My friend brought like this monitor, so he was playing some movie in the background. No one really watched. We were all too busy talking and laughing about everything. I like it. It was a fun day. We also did karaoke. Until my friend had like this emergency thing, which was so bad. While that minor problem was being dealt with, me and my other friend wandered for a bit. I like walking around. I went home. I made an actual Pinterest account (with public posts), and it made me feel so pretty. Does not happen ever. I love Pinterest. I went to VC with Tony and Teth. I haven't hung out with them in a while. Then the last thing I did for the day was do my Math homework. Not entirely the last thing because usually my days end with Wacky trying his best to say goodnight last in our calls.
A cinch of instinct. A lot of things scare me. I started reading some of Mary Oliver's works. I love her so much. I love that Rilke inspires her. Here's an excerpt from "The Swan": “I think I have not lived a single hour of my life by calculation.” Isn't that so pretty... I contribute to the destruction of Earth a lot. I will not expand on that. I finished the book I mentioned earlier in one sitting, and the rest of my day was just with Wacky. We finished the One Piece live-action. Also in one sitting. Except that's concerning because that was most certainly not a short book like the one I had just finished. But really, who am I to speak? I finished One Piece in a month and 3 days. We tried watching the season 2 of Horimiya too, but that was unsuccessful because we kept on going off track from the anime and having our own separate conversation. Then we watched Lupin. Just one episode. It was pretty late. Not as late as I used to stay up, but late enough for the both of us to be sleepy.
I have a wedding to attend. Not mine, obviously. I still hate marriage. I had to wake up really early, which sucked. We went to a drive-thru and I had my breakfast in the car. Egg sandwich breakfast. I have safely concluded that eye contact means interaction and I hate that. I'm not exactly the closest with any of my relatives, so I'm determined to just stare at the floor. I was with my baby brother, and he looked like Blippi, so that was funny for me. When I got home, I showered and ate. My baby brother has the entire Subnautica character list memorized. That's really impressive because it was a lot. He was watching this size comparison video of the sea creatures on YouTube and telling me each name. He can't read yet and he was somehow so accurate. Nothing he hasn't done before, but children's memory are always so great (and selective). I am so tired. I asked Wacky if he could watch the One Piece live-action with me because I am obviously the biggest One Piece fan ever. And that is not a lie because that fact was very clear in my MAL forum history. We watched like 3 episodes of the live-action and sadly had to sleep because it was pretty late. He watched Star Wars for me like a few months ago and loved it, and now he's watching One Piece, and he's actually invested, and that's so cool, and maybe he's turning into me and stealing all my personality traits, but that's literally so attractive. I don't mean that in a narcissistic way like "Oh my god he's copying me that's so attractive." No, I meant it in a he's just so cute... way.
Still trying my best to update my blog up until the recent one. They pile up so fast. Days are going by so fast. I had to encrypt my grades, and it was the most tedious thing ever. I got news on James Scholz. I'm proud that he graduated, but also, I'm gonna miss his live streams. He was such a great study buddy. I don't think anyone can ever match how much he motivated me. I read some more books. I cleaned my room too. It's getting a lot messier. Around nighttime, I watched Lupin with Wacky.
I wonder how many times the winning rain droplets from my imaginary rain races have undergone their rain cycle. Can it be considered reincarnation when they've evaporated from the Earth's surface, condensed into clouds, and eventually precipitated as droplets back to the surface? Classes are canceled; again. I'm still on a call with Wacky. I'm gonna stop mentioning that in my entries because I know it's gonna last for a while. But just know that we haven't ended the call unless stated otherwise. I actually got ready for school and everything. I was in the car when the class suspensions were announced. Sine suggested we should drop by McDonald's and hang out since we were already awake so early in the morning. I went back home first and slept for a while. When I got to our meetup place, we talked so much. I actually miss her. I always do this thing where I cut off people for a while, but my friends are always understanding. It's just a thing I do. It's always never anything personal. We spontaneously bought tickets for this movie too. We made like a TikTok while waiting for it. We watched Gran Turismo. It's so good. I loved it so much. Probably one of the best newly released movies I've watched in a while. After that, I got myself school supplies. It's way overdue, but at least I have stuff now. I also got hoodies because I needed more capsule clothes. We bid our farewells; it was a fun day. I showered when I got home and finally caught up with my blog. I fixed my classes, and I'm just hoping that if they cancel school for tomorrow, they do it earlier. I am too sad to function.
The make-a-wish bracelet broke off. I made one of my off-the-rack wishes. Nothing that special. It did surprise me how quickly it broke off. I did my blog. I haven't been exactly the best at catching up, but I've done it before. I can do it again. I'm still on that same call with Wacky. During the afternoon, I picked my baby brother up from school. He has friends now. Good for him. I played Roblox with Sine, and she caught me up with so much school drama. She's like my source. My level of prioritization with this whole social world is pretty low, but it's still fun that I can remain neutral with everyone from my lack of interest. Neutrality is usually a double-edged sword. But not in this case, I'm like someone who's outside the 4th wall. I'd pick a side but they don't pique my curiousity or attention at all. I know when my opinion isn't needed too. Wacky and Tony joined my Roblox game with Sine and stole me away after Sine left. We watched Mission Impossible. He told me it was a stand-alone, but it totally wasn't.
It is way too early for any of this. I received a message from my brother's girlfriend. I should start planning for my funeral. Wacky's still on my phone. My mom literally saw my call screen. Then my phone automatically connected to the car, and I swear everybody knows. This is karma. I went to school, and I was late. I think I woke Wacky up, and I was panicking because there was no one in my classroom. Okay, maybe not like that much panicked, but I was definitely confused. I texted my friends, and they told me to just go to the school theatre room. I just slept throughout the whole program. I did wake up halfway because I saw Skylar, and we went to the back because I was alone in my area. It was funny because Sirko's boyfriend was there too. It's an inside joke between me and Sirko, but trust, it was funny. We didn't really have any classes that used their class hours (if that makes sense). After sleeping for like forever, we had this uniform fitting, and the next thing I knew, we had robotics. That's my last class. I was in this group that gave me the worst 8th-grade déjà vu. I was a traitor and relocated groups. There was no way in hell I'd babysit that group. I didn't get to go home early because I had to wait for my baby brother. It's his first day of school! I had Burger King on the way home, then passed out.
Wacky likes roleplaying. He swears it's a joke, but I don't think it is anymore.
I got ready for the day. I started wearing this make-a-wish bracelet that I bought in Hawaii. It's supposed to grant your wish when it breaks; I'll update you when it does. We don't have classes, so I'm actually feeling pretty well. I fixed my Altoid tin, like the trinkets wallet thing, which I've been loving so much. Read a few pages of my current book, then fell into a quick nap. I read some more after waking up because I genuinely think it's a good cycle. My baby brother is so clingy; it's the cutest thing. I've been asking my brother to watch Blue Beetle with me, but he has college. So many plates due in so little time, and literally not a single day off from school, so that sucks. My baby brother's currently sick too. I've been talking to Wacky a lot. I mean, I've been talking to him every single day, but I looked at my phone screentime, and it's like a concerning amount of time to be talking to someone. I'd say it's an average of like 6 hours a day. And that doesn't include the sleep calls that I can't even consider sleep calls anymore because they last until the whole day.
Mistakes were made. It was one of those ethical dilemmas that are frequently contemplated. With this whole thing, it seems to all really come down to which factors benefit you more. I'm glad this happened. Skylar had a similar mess up, so I called him. He taught me a lot, and again, thank you. I'll just forget about everything that has happened. Not in a way that it's being avoided, but in a way that deems it too trivial. Scapegoating. I'm gonna leave it alone. I have my own opinions regarding this whole thing, but it's best to just keep that in too. I don't like being the one who wields weapons. They hurt me too. I don't want to add any more unnecessary wounds. I don't claim a sage title. I'm don't always have the most sound judgements. I honestly just don't want to talk to people who wouldn't listen. I've never been the biggest fan of hypocrisy. During my call with Skylar, we had like this really deep talk about life, and it's a great refresher. I never feel like I'm sharing too much because our life problems have always been so similar.
I had my first kiss.
I met up with Wacky around 11:30 pm. He came back from his flight from New Zealand, and I'm a hundred percent sure he's tired, but he insists on seeing me. He's far from where I live too, so I feel bad he has to go through all those lengths. We did the thing again where we looked for each other, except he won this time, and I'm fully admitting it. To be fair, I think my eyesight was way better the last time we met because I could not recognize a single face. I miss him. We talked about a lot of stuff and walked around for a bit because if you read my blog often, I literally don't eat. I accompanied him; he ate because he was hungry, and he's like the prettiest dude I've ever seen. He bought us tickets for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem because we're cool like that and found this bench we decided to sit on while we waited for our movie's time schedule. He gave me a bird (which I decided to name Bird) and I gave him a Star Wars necklace. I read his pastebins, and it was literally so cute. The movie was awesome. It reminds me of every other episode Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode, but it was still a nice movie. We were so cute and he was like barely testing waters as we cuddled. We got out of the movies and it was already night time. Relocating to another bench, he laid down on my lap while we talked some more, until we didn't have much time, and he told me to close my eyes. Except, I kept on laughing because it was so cute and also I was nervous, so that went on for a bit. But then he actually had to go, and he kissed me. Then I kissed him back. Then we said goodbye, and I have no idea why, but I followed him. We kissed one last time near the fountains. It was so romantic because the whole time a jazz band was playing.
Future Arwen: I didn't write this until like 4 months after so I know I'm missing a few details but, I was holding on to this memory so much I was so scared of butchering my description of the day.
Future Future Arwen: Ew.
As a very (intentionally) disconnected person, I'd really rather not attend my first classes. I mean, I think I'm great at socializing, but at the same time, it's not what I'd say is my most comfortable environment. Today's my first day. I literally mean like my first day because the actual first day for everyone happened a few days ago. I got ready, and I wasn't in much of a rush; they usually don't check for attendance in the first week anyway. I love getting ready. It's the only constant thing I do every day that I'll always look forward to. Sine told me that a lot of people were looking for me, so I braced myself for my usual routine of small talk. I walked the hallways and did that whole greeting (whether it was a fist bump, high-five, or a simple wave because each person has their own customized greeting), hug, how are you, and I missed you - series of steps with a lot of people. Like, a lot. I did not talk to anyone during the summer. It's great to see that nothing has changed. People asked me about my Eras Tour thing too and told me they waited for my Instagram stories that I never posted. See, I love people interactions. Each of the classes I had for the day was actually pretty great. I think I got the good people section. I was friends with everyone, but I wanted to transfer, so I had this letter thing. It was rejected. Like, they didn't even read it, and I gave up easily, rejected. I sat with my old friends because they saved me a spot during the first day. I think that's the nicest gesture ever. Skylar is actually my classmate this year. He's all the way at the back because he's trying to be mysterious or something weird. I think the only time we actually talked was when we had to attend this mass, and he sat next to my seat. We were trying out pranks that I got busted out for, but it was funny. We were dismissed early, but our books were distributed, and my friends were planning for this spontaneous hangout. I offered to be transportation and drop them off at their houses so they wouldn't need to carry the books. Skylar joined us in the car ride but had a different place he was going to. We got Biscoff! We just walked around and did whatever the others' errands were. We caught up on a lot. When it was time to go home, Sine had this thing she wanted to confirm through me. Basically, I had to talk to the dude she kind of likes. It went terribly. I got home and told Sirko all about it. After that, I received another call, and it was from Sine. She told me a bunch of ongoing rumors. The school year had just started. Why? There's also this group of people who told Sine they wish they had my personality. What a compliment. These are the same people I dropped off (they were aware too because I told them I didn't want to be their friends anymore).
I woke up a minute before my alarm clock started ringing, like a psychopath. I got ready for school, and luckily, before I got to touch my makeup, Skylar called and told me not to go. I followed his advice. However, he called again saying he changed his mind, and not even a few minutes later, he changed his mind again. In the end, I just didn't go. I don't really mind missing a few of our classes since I'm almost a hundred percent sure they're just doing orientation. I watched more Star Wars. I laid out my plans for the day, and it actually went well. I finished three books today, which is a lot considering I haven't been in touch with my books much lately. I also fixed my playlists and finally gave proper names to those that only had numbers.
My routine for the day revolved around sleeping, waking up, showering, watching more Star Wars, reading a book (I read a lot today, please be proud), and repeat. I stumbled upon an old account I had and ended up scrolling through it for about an hour. It was the funniest thing ever.
I won't be attending school. You see, Skylar asked me last night if I was going, and I initially said yes. Until he told me not to go because no one else was planning to attend, so he convinced me to skip as well. Now, our situations are reversed because he ended up going to school, thinking I was going too based on my previous response. Anyway, that's that, too bad for him. I did have to take care of Sirko's stuff that he wanted me to give to her dude. He had been bugging me about it, but it's fine. I watched Star Wars with Anakid, showered multiple times, and read my books. Since I've been waking up early, my days have been getting this head start ahead before everyone else is awake. My brother brought his girlfriend home, and they came up to my room to play more Bopl Battle with me. It went well until I'm pretty sure we broke the game. After a while, they started doing their own thing, and I read the book I had available within reach on my desk and then tried to make some progress on my brawler game. I honestly don't think I'll finish it anytime soon.
I've just realized that I do know how to express myself. I know how to articulate many things, but I struggle to translate it into something that a specific person would understand. I'm not implying that others are unintelligent, but there are contexts that could easily be explained with a single word or sentence, yet they require a certain type of comprehension to fully grasp.
My brother introduced me to this new game he found. It's called Bopl Battle. The game isn't completed yet, but there was a demo version that icluded all the necessary features to play, so we decided to try it out. It was actually really good. Huge credits to the developer because it's an actual genius game. We played it the entire day, and I lost about 500 times. I'm not exaggerating. Each round we played consisted of around 100 attempts before we counted it as a win. My brother is going to go back to college after a while, so I appreciate that he's hanging out in my room again. I also fixed a few things in my brawler game, though progress is still slow. This is why I have so much appreciation for developers. Games are so hard top make.
I'm doing my best to update my blog. It's been a while, and I don't want my entries to pile up until it's impossible for me to catch up. I watched the final two episodes of Horimiya, and I think it's great. My baby brother had this thing early in the morning where he wanted to compare my arcade machine to the one they have uptown. Since he usually gets anything he wants, I got dragged out, which I'm not complaining about. I got to drink Biscoff, and I love Biscoff.
I completed my morning routine, wrote my pages, went downstairs, and got convinced to play outside (by my baby brother). I'm not complaining. I remember throughout my entire childhood, I would wake up and go for a bike ride with my brother until it was like afternoon, then finally shower. Obviously, that would be impossible now. I don't know how I used to do it, but I was one active child. I also remember waking up so early just to watch Doraemon and Detective Conan. I guess I was lucky to have spent my early days with a brother who also stood as my friend too. My dad and brother are both at the hospital, and I just wish them well. I had plans with Ria. Before getting ready, I had my dermatologist appointment. We ate at Popeyes first since we were both hungry. Well, I wasn't really hungry, but I had been craving their chicken tenders for like a week now. Ria is feeding my boyfriend ego, like "boyfriend" (persona) Cy. She was saying that I was so boyfriend, because, well, I was. Our original plan for this hangout was just to get our nails done, but sadly, when we went to look for a nail salon, the one we usually go to was full, and the others were not suitable. One of them reeked of the most foul stench in existence. We decided to go to the Lego store instead. We headed to the Build Your Own Minifigure station or aisle and each built a figure that resembled the other. I asked Ria to make me a figure of Lloyd (from Ninjago) because I love him. If you're familiar with how those minifigure sets work, you're required to make a third one as well. We randomly picked each part for a Lego figure that I thought looked like Anakin. I suggested to Ria to name it Child since it was a child, but she refused profusely. Suddenly, I came up with the most brilliant name ever: "Anakid." She loved that. I also started finishing Horimiya. I have an episode or two left, but I'll leave that for tomorrow.
The first rays of sunlight have yet to pierce the clouds. I did my pages and had a relatively slow paced morning. I spent the rest of the time playing the piano and guitar. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear my notes, couldn't pluck my strings right, and my hands were cold. I went to the orthodontist, and every time I visit there, I'm always given this task to wear rubber bands, but I never do. I've been really into Steven and Taylor in The Summer I Turned Pretty. I don't think anything else can be any better. They're so perfect for each other (I'm projecting).
Early day. I woke up at a pretty average time, 7 AM. I got myself ready and wrote my morning pages. I cleaned my closet while listening to podcasts, and this time, I actually finished. I watched a lot of back-to-school videos and finally completed a book. I've been in the worst reading slump recently. I went shopping with my mom. I don't know why honestly; I just tagged along. We ate at this place, then were originally going to buy things until my mom got a call that my dad needs to go to the hospital. A lot of things went through my mind that night. Some of them weren't good. Honestly, it's not that great at home right now.
It's about time I reorganize my entire closet; I need a new system. My closet has never been messier. I still have a long way to go. I cleaned my whole room as well because I left it in a rush while I was panicking due to last-minute packing. I read some books and wrote a few pages in my journal, which I hadn't touched but had brought with me on the entire trip. I read some more and went to sleep early again.
I woke up at around 3 AM. I'm not jet-lagged; I just prefer this time in a way, and I'm glad that my body clock has adjusted to it. I didn't do much besides resting and doing mundane activities. I can't do anything because of the little issue that has been bothering me the entire summer. I'm hoping that it gets sorted out soon and doesn't happen again next year. I fixed a few of my things, but my room is still quite messy. I tried my best. I have a lot to clean up.
I am tired. I'm still on the plane, and I watched Malcolm's List. It sounded interesting, and I knew that it was a book. I read for a bit too, but that was unsuccessful. Then I watched "A Man Called Otto," possibly the best movie I've ever seen. It made me cry at least 20 times. The movie is about this old man who's just trying to be with his deceased wife again. Despite his attempts, there's always something in the neighborhood that pulls him back, especially when new people move in. There are a bunch of flashbacks, and he's just such a good man. He's grumpy, but he has the biggest heart.
I arrived home and came back to something that was just... Sirko knows about it; I don't even want to mention it. I got all my stuff, showered for so long, then proceeded to go to sleep. I'm tired.
The shorthand of the clock has reunited with the long hand at the top. It's the reset - my horrible fate's reset. I got my month's due karma so badly this morning. I woke up feeling very unwell with an upset stomach, which would make sense later on. I packed my things to catch our bus to the airport. I didn't have the best interaction with the person beside me, luckily I had headphones on. When I actually got to the airport, womanhood happened. Airport toilets aren't the best. Our flight was early, so I'm glad there wasn't anyone around. I had to change; this explained the horrible feeling I had when I woke up - cramps. Of course, I always have it worse. I'm honestly grateful they aren't as irregular as before anymore and come like once a month instead of twice or thrice... the pills ruined me, but hey, atleast one of my problems was fixed. Then, we checked in and looked for the lounge. Where is the lounge? We got lost a few times and were exhausted by the time we found it. The worst part about this is that I was so thirsty and accidentally drank soda water. I hate soda water, so I got hot chocolate instead, which I spilled on my pants. I had to change again. I explained to Sirko that I was having my karma reset and it's actually a good thing since school is starting soon, but it was so bad for me. I got to the airplane, and the flight attendants were so nice. We even talked about Taylor Swift for a bit. I have no idea when the day transitions to the next, but I'll put what happened on the plane in tomorrow's entry.
It's a shame that the details of my days wouldn't be having any more particular significance and will only ever decrease. Neglected footnotes. I had an early start to this day. I got ready and while waiting for my parents, I finished up some of my sketches from yesterday. I shopped at the beach walk last night, but we're going right back at it again because there's still so much. Before that, we went to the usual Starbucks place. The old couple is still there. They're like the cutest ever. I read The New York Times newspaper and drank my drink. I felt the cold breeze and took it in. We also went to this different coffee shop and I people-watched. I got my sketchbook out and started live sketching. I took a special artist sentiment for this one dude, an old man with a beard. I drew him so multiple times. Then, we went to the beach; I drew some more people. I paced in the sands and had quite a long walk. I watched the people do their stuff. Some were playng beach ball, others were jogging, sunbathing, and it was a very pretty sight. They were setting up the umbrellas too and digging sand since it was pretty early. I took my dress off since my mom got me swimming clothes, and I jumped straight into the water. I saw so many dogs swimming, and it was the best thing ever. I went into a very deep thinking session while bathing. I love the beach. I have such a long history with so many stories to tell about the beach. I was freezing cold when I got out. I saw these two old people, physically old, white-haired and lean best friends, and they were surfing. More dogs swimming, I took pictures of them before I left. I went to the hotel, showered the sand off; my sunburn from LA is definitely way worse now.
After a bit of time, I decided to go out again. I shopped, again, and just looked around. I saw this breakdancing group, and there was this kid who was spinning with his head, and I bet he was like 5 or something. That's really impressive. It was so nice too, since all donations were going to Maui. I got stuff for my brother too. I finally got the penny board I've been looking for because Hawai'i was just such a skateable place for me. I carried it around and obviously tried skating on it; a kid even stopped to tell me hi because she thought I looked cool. And everybody knows a compliment from a kid is the biggest kind of compliment one can receive in a lifetime. I had a bunch of small talks. There's this other dude at the elevator when I decided to go back to the hotel who was asking me if I shredded and jumped over turtles. It was cool; he complimented me too. Everyone here is just so nice. I rested, then around late at night, they apparently host this festive thing on the streets where they fill it up with booths and people kind of just party. Obviously, we participated. There were torches, and everyone seemed so happy. We rested at this grassy area to eat when this dude came screaming at everyone. I feel like I have to add this here because what he said was actually really important. He talked about the fact that people were dying in Maui, and people are so festive like that's not happening right now. Which, I get the sentiment and it really did make me think. In one of my previous blogs, I'm pretty sure I talked about the concept of happiness and whether being happy was selfish, knowing that there are people suffering. People made fun of him, but I thought about it. It's, I guess, more about your own moral philosophy, but to me, I just can't really figure it out. I went back to the hotel, fixed my stuff and the bed completely sunk me into the oblivion of tomorrow.
The sun struck me pretty early today. The air here is so fresh that even I smell like vanilla and coconut. I still had my headphones on, and the whole day I just looped Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer. We took the beach walk and got to the beach just to take in the early waves. I got Starbucks too and I noticed this old couple. The old man picked flowers for his lady and put them on her ears for them to take pictures. I'd say Hawaii is so romantic. I'd want to experience it too, but I don't even think I'd make it past 20. The thing that surprised me the most is when my parents did the same exact thing. We were seated at a different table, and I can fully say that Hawai'i has a certain air that makes people simply better. We walked around some more. We ate breakfast and visited the Honolulu Museum of Art (HOMA). I got some art stuff from there, and it was great. I love going to museums, and the people here are so easy to talk to and approachable. I had some pretty deep thinking in the car, which I haven't done in a while because I've been drowning my brain with music. There's this puzzle thing that the little kid I mentioned before got. We bought it for him because he really wanted it, and he couldn't fix the puzzle back, so he just kept on crying. Everyone took turns fixing it until they initially gave up and asked me to do it. A fun fact about me is that I had a puzzle phase. I think on one of our early trips to Japan, I discovered those little puzzles and I got a bunch. I somehow quickly figured out the puzzle, and the kid stopped crying. Then he continued to disassemble it and return it to me to fix it again. This is something I'm used to, and as I've said, he reminds me of my baby brother so much, where he'd break something so I could fix it. I did feel so smart. We did other stuff, toured around, went back to the hotel, and rested. Obviously, I wasn't done. I got out and found Sephora. I'm a girl. Sephora is literally every girl's playground. I got so much stuff and just felt good altogther. We visited other shops too. Like, we went through the whole lane, but yeah, at the end of the day, I was sleepy.
Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it. My feet are still hurting, and I'm still rewatching Taylor on my phone. My headphones remain snug around my head, and my AirPods kept inside my pockets, I have this fear of losing music. I follow Gracie's mom on Instagram, and I saw a picture of her. I could swear I spotted her during the tour because her thick-rimmed glasses were hard to miss. I remember staring at her for a moment, thinking she was so pretty, especially with her big glasses. Today marks my flight to Hawai'i, specifically Honolulu. I read the news last night, and apparently, on the same day, there was a wildfire in Maui. My extreme sympathy and heart goes out to those who were affected by this really unfortunate event. I bought Graacie's Lakers hat at the airport because what are the chances and had breakfast there as well. During the flight, I finally experienced the thing that happens in movies where the cabin crew would ask the passengers for medical assistance. My time went back for a few hours and as I've said, my sleeping schedule is fully on my control so, I landed there without an ounce of tiredness or jet lag.
Hawai'i is undeniably beautiful. The sceneries were so awesome, that it totally slipped my mind to take pictures. Everyone was so nice, and it was an altogether awesome place. It felt so relaxing just being there. The first thing we did was meet my dad's friend at the airport, and we also met their children. The little kid was adorable and reminded me of my baby brother. We went to this place that was like Waikeli Premium Outlets, or something, and I shopped for summer clothes. I also met this guy at an American Eagle shop (I believe), and he was really cool. I tried looking for the Chuck 70s in rush blue at the Converse store there because I was hoping to finally get my hands on Gracie's favorite shoes, but luck wasn't on my side. We ate there for a bit, and the kid we were with did this little thing where she formed a heart shape out of rocks and dirt. We arrived at our hotel, which was a Ritz-Carlton, and a staff member gave me a flower necklace. He put it on, and it smelled so good. We had a suite, and I rested for a few minutes before going out for a late-night walk. The moon illuminated everything perfectly, and the greenery was still evident despite the number of buildings in the area. We had checked in at a shopping center and were literally near the beach walk, so that's pretty cool. I ran a few errands, went back to the hotel, and had dinner with my family at the hotel restaurant. After returning, I fell asleep in an instant.
8:50 AM. My voice is nearly gone, my senses have weakened considerably, including the senses in my feet - now barely present. I prepared myself for the day, packed my things, had breakfast and a banana, and then set forth towards Las Vegas. This trip leaned more towards my parents' preferences, so I didn't invest as much effort into my fixing myself. Throughout the entire drive, I had my headphones on, I relistened to the snippets of the concert I'd recorded on my phone the previous night. We paused at Valley Wells to briefly break up the road trip; I distinctly recall the heat of that moment. We also made a stop at the Seven Magic Mountains in Nevada, the hot weather there will be etched in my memory forever. Although I naturally have brown eyes, even they somehow felt particularly sensitive to the intense sunlight. I saw the MSG sphere too so that was pretty cool. In the actual gambling capital, I was honestly just looking around. As far as I could discern, there are literally no activities for kids. I loved each theme they had to offer especially Ceasars Palace. It was all eye candy to me. We wanted to eat at Hell's Kitchen but the line was long and it was just impossible. We walked the sun-drenched streets, where the intense heat prompted us to pause for a quick Starbucks interlude. I swear the air was drier than the Sahara desert. We got lunch, did a bit of shopping, and then finally retraced our steps back and went to our hotel all the way in Inglewood, California.
I'm gonna hold on to spinning around. I'll point to the pictures and tell them your name. LA 8/8, my Era's Tour date. I woke up really early. I went down to the hotel to get some coffee from Starbucks because I knew it was gonna be a long day. I went out and got breakfast, which I could swear stretched time slowly while simultaneously making time, and everything I saw blurred so quickly in motion. I went back to the hotel to fix myself up and I noticed that the lobby had this little friendship bracelet-making booth. It was the cutest thing ever. I had already made mine since way back, so I just walked past it. I got up to our room and finally got myself ready. I had a purple dress on, going as Speak Now, and wore a purple bow that had such a long lace like the one Gracie wore when the Speak Now TV was released. I also had to put glitter on my hands, and then fix my hair and makeup. It was so fun. I had Long Live playing in the background, and it was such a cute little get-ready-with-me moment. I went to the Sofi Stadium with my cousin from LA to meet up with Sirko, since we're pretty underage and needed a guardian. We arrived there, and the merch line was already pretty long. I knew what I wanted, and I'm so glad I got there early. When I met with the girl who was selling the products, we had such a lovely conversation, and I swear I just love all Swifties with my heart. Sadly, a lot of the small sizes were running out, so I couldn't get my hands on some of them, but I still got quite a haul because I'm insane. I also got Sirko something because she knew by the time she'd got there it would've been sold out. After I got the merch, I went to entry 4. I met so many people. I talked to so many people. My first trading interaction was with these two people who complimented my dress and everything, and it was my first ever successful trade. The first bracelets I got were Haunted and Long Live because this would later become a pattern of people giving me Speak Now bracelets to match my outfit. I kept on trading, met with so many personalities, and my arms were losing circulation. Sirko finally arrived, and it's good I made so many bracelets that I could still trade and talk to people with her. She came with her cousin, mom, and older sister, and they took pictures of us like parents do. We had the time of our lives and we hadn't even entered the stadium yet. We scanned our tickets and got in. We got the light-up wristbands, and I actually broke mine, so I went back to ask for another, and they just gave me another one. It wasn't long until I fixed the previous one I broke, but they told me I could keep it. We reunited with the people we were with and first got food before finding our seats. The seats. How'd we end up on the floor (top) anyway, you say? That's an inside joke. Anyway, we went back down to finish trading the bracelets we had left, which was still quite an amount and just had our share of interactions with a lot of Swifties. For the first act, we had Gracie Abrams, and I am obviously her biggest fan, so I told Sirko we should go down so we could scream her songs (I screamed all of her songs). It was her last Era's Tour date with Taylor, and it was such a moment. She was so pretty in person. I love her so much. She's literally my favorite artist. Haim was next, and after I got home, I started playing their music because they're actually such a great band. We waited for Taylor in our seats, and the countdown clock finally appeared. The whole concert was great. She owned the whole night, and it's honestly so unforgettable. Me and Sirko did the chants, and one highlight of the night was when we gave her this 8-minute long standing ovation. Our surprise songs were "I Know Places" and "King of My Heart," and we loved it. You'd think that in such a steep stadium, we wouldn't be able to jump around, but we actually did, and my throat was dying. Midway, I could've sworn there was no going back and my voice would forever be gone, but it came back, and me and Sirko are offering our greatest apologies to the people beside us because we were the loudest women you'll ever see. At the end of the night, Taylor's scent was stuck on my clothes, and I hoped it'd linger for longer. There's glitter on the floor after the party. Me and Sirko wore our Taylor merch over our shirts and took some pictures before leaving. We parted ways, and that will be the last time I'll ever see her for at least quite some time. I took my shoes off and walked with just socks on to the nearest convenience store since we knew the traffic would be terrible. Unfortunately, literally, everyone else had that same idea, so I think I even fell asleep on this sidewalk ledge. It was 11 pm. Longest, but best night ever.
Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but there are a lot of Taylor song lyric references I used while writing this entry.
Here’s Taylor’s and Gracie’s setlists, and here’s the actual whole setlist + "King of My Heart" and "I Know Places."
You'd think we'd go straight to the hotel, but no. We went to our cousin's house in Victorville, so I had like a 3-hour car ride, and I got home around 1 am. Obviously, I couldn't sleep without taking off my makeup and showering again because that's just an impossible bargain for me, so I did that. Then I talked to Wacky until 5 am, which is so concerning.
I'll take the wrong way home. I got up early and prepared for the long day ahead. I did my hair and makeup without any rush, as Sirko was also trailing behind time. My dad smiled at Sirko, and she has been flaunting it since. Our parents love us together. I gave Sirko the item her friend wanted to give her because I am the best wingman ever. We went to IHOP. I was with her baby brother, older sister, mom, and dad. They tried to make me eat, but I really can't eat much, or I would start to feel sick. We chose Disneyland California Park for the rides, and that's exactly what we did. I'll try to go through the list of rides we went on (which was almost everything). I might miss a few, but we went on the Radiator Spring Racers, and here is where we started learning the Steven and Taylor Party in the USA dance. We did this for every line, by the way. We also talked a lot during the lines, and I swear it was the funniest thing ever. We were peak mean. We went on Guardians of the Galaxy Mission: Breakout!, that was also so funny because I was telling Sirko that it couldn't possibly be bad, but the moment it dropped, Sriko gave me an "I told you so" smug look. We also went on Pixar Pal-A-Round. I remember her baby brother quoting his theory that people don't have a fear of heights but a fear of falling. Sirko and I laughed so hard, maybe a little too hard. We got stuck and started confessing. Golden Zephyr was a ride we attempted, but as soon as we got in, it literally closed off. This seemed to be a recurring pattern. We also tried the Silly Symphony Swings, and I teared up from the music. When I got down, Sirko asked me why I was crying, and I didn't even realize it until I wiped my cheeks. We also went on the Little Mermaid ride, and it felt like the people beside us were giving us looks because our flash went off so often. We tried lining up for the Grizzly River Run countless times, but whenever we lined up for it, it kept closing down (we went twice, and during one of those times, we passed by people stuck on a slanted, heat-scorched area on that ride). It was due to weather conditions or something similar, which was also the excuse for Golden Zephyr's closure. Apparently, the wind was strong, but honestly, it was so hot that there wasn't a single gust of wind in question. We did Web Slingers, which provided enough of a workout for both me and Sirko for the rest of the year. Soarin' Over California was awesome, and we saw so much from up there. Alright, that's not the main takeaway, it was just a lot of fun. I really enjoyed it, especially the Sydney part (I am kidding...). One of the early rides we went on was Goofy's Sky School. We lucked out because the ride opened up right when we arrived, so we practically got on instantly. We despise Goofy. He's the worst pilot ever. I swear, both Sirko and I resent him so much. Goofy was so sharp with his turns. The ride felt like physical torture. We spent a lot of time wandering around Pixar Pier. Sirko's sister spent the entire day convincing Sirko and their brother to ride the Incredicoaster, and it worked out in the end. It was our final ride, and it honestly wasn't that bad. I want to do it again. The loop was awesome, and I tried my best not to close my eyes throughout the ride, while Sirko did the opposite. It was so cool. I absolutely love roller coasters; they give me a sense of freedom. Lastly, we stayed for the World of Color show and had food. Sirko and I finally performed the Steven and Taylor dance in complete darkness. It was so worth practicing during every line we ever stood in. We ate between the rides, and I might not have listed the rides we went on in order, except for the last ones, but I can assure you it was an incredible experience. We practically rode everything. When it was time to go home, we mostly just bought things for people. I was so exhausted that getting ready for bed felt like this super hard challenge. It was impossible for me to sleep without removing my makeup and cleaning up. I fell asleep immediately after, but luckily, I woke up because Sirko and I forgot to transfer the tickets to my Apple Wallet. We took care of that, being extremely cautious, and now I am so ready for tomorrow. Oh, and I also got this horrible sunburn.
I went to the airport quite early. I wasn't exactly the most prepared for this trip. I mean, I nearly forgot my suitcase, which isn't much of a problem since it was mostly empty. I remembered its existence just before the car started moving—so close. I'm going to LA mainly for Taylor and Sirko, and I've been anticipating it. The kind you wouldn't want to dwell on, as it was overwhelming while being faultlessly positive it was scary to think about. I don't know how to explain it. It's just something you need to experience in the moment rather than overthink.I talked to Sirko through text in the airport and we were both so excited. A new thing that I feel like I need to write here is that I actually felt pretty. I accidentally turned my front camera on and thought I was pretty that's like a really rare occurrence.When I got into the plane, the cabin crew was so nice. I watched Star Wars: A New Hope, a rewatch, and I finally saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower, a movie I had wanted to watch for a long time (since it's a popular book). It was actually really good. I think I was in LA or New York this very same day last year. The plane ride was really fast It helped that the past few weeks I've been having this persistent sleepiness. I managed to watch Creed 1 and 2 before the plane landed.
I've returned to LA, and Party in the USA is still playing everywhere again. When I reached the hotel, the fact that everyone was wearing Taylor's merch took my attention. I wish I could get my hands on some too; it was insance. Taylor's music filled the whole lobby, accompanying with in a Taylor-themed reception. To be fair, the hotel I selected was practically next to Sofi Stadium, so it made perfect sense. I, personally, haven't experienced jet lag, so I rested for a solid hour and then took a walk outside. I used an Uber to go to Target as well. I bought a bunch items for my Era's Tour preparations, including glitter, glue, and purple nail polish, among other things. Of course, I bought other items too, but I was mainly focused on getting cool stuff. I also picked up In-N-Out for my parents since they're back at the hotel and are just being parents. After returning to the hotel, I showered and did my nails, which, by the way, turned out to be the neatest nails I've ever done. I fell asleep early but got woken up around 1 AM because my parents were talking.
I made a bow. A Gracie bow. The one she wore when Speak Now was released. The long one. Isn't that cute. I am finally packing my stuff. Half of it for the first half of this day. Dealt with my Disney tickets too. I updated this blog then wrote the letter that has been bugging me for quite a while. It actually went by pretty fast. I often forget I'm a literal genius. I had my dermatologist appointment too. This whole summer sucks. I have like a few days with Sirko and that's great and all but I'm still going back to hell. I really just don't want to be home anymore. It's so overwhelming because the problem I've been very discretely talking about here in this blog isn't going away until the 29th. That's a whole month more of toleration. I don't want to go to school either because news flash, the whole english department has a bone to pick with me. I've written more letters througout the duration summer than all the outputs I've made for my subjects last year. I'm handling it well since I know how to help myself, but with the school year approaching, I can feel all the pressure and expectations. I'm like a huge disappointment. And that part is like barely any of my concerns right now. I honestly just want to get rid of that one thing that refuses to leave. Sirko knows how horrible it is right now and she's honestly so great for keeping up with all this. I think that one thing is just pushing me to the edge and is affecting my normal capacity to not react to things outside of my control.I made more friendship bracelets while watching Community and Young Sheldon. I kind of just switched on whichever series I felt like watching. I did my last minute packing then choreographed this lightsaber trick because why not? Another problem did come up then I started spamming my stories on this other account. Skylar caught up and asked how I was and that he hopes I'm doing fine. I'm leaving him on delievered right now because I'm too tired to reply to people but I really appreciate it.
I need to finish those friendship bracelets. I did like 20 today while watching Community. I do have to admit that I procrastinated a ton before I even started. When I finally had my whole workplace ready, I decided to grab my dusty sketchbook and start drawing this very realistic lego figure with a Darwin (from Amazing World of Gumball) fishbowl head. After that, I had to go to the mall and do my girl maintenance stuff. I also got like ribbons and glitter from this art store because Gracie and the 13 I'd put on my hand. I've been getting chicken nuggets a lot more recently. Even just by thinking about my whole month's diet, I'm pretty sure all that I've been eating is like fast food. Don't ask why. I still have quite a lot of stuff on my to-do list but, I'm not too caught up in it.
Today's my dad's brithday. I gave him a fist bump birthday greeting. Which, believe it or not, is the most affection we've displayed. I am in a state of some kind of sleeping beauty syndrome and the weather is what pricked my finger. I started watching Community. I watcehd it so I could have something to multi-task on while making my friendship bracelets. I only made like 4 then we were dragged out. We went to the farm and ate stuff. My dad was with his friends outside the gazebo and I just isolated myself. I picked out a book and underwent a cycle of reading and sleep. I finished somehwere close to the half-way mark.
I hate and love this weather. I never thought I'd ever appreciate warmth but right now, I really need it. It's not even cold; it's just so gloomy. I like gloomy, but I hate feeling so sleepy. I know I've talked about this a gazillion times in this blog, but I really hate high humidity. I'm like a cat. But I also love the rainy season, so really, I just don't like that I'm so sleepy right now. I even tried braiding my hair, which usually makes me productive every time. I played with my baby brother too, but my body still remains on the cliff of hibernation. I watched Pinocchio with my baby brother, which was later changed to Tarzan. He decided to just not watch midway, and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up, tried listening to some podcasts, but I still fell asleep. Around 5 PM, I regained my productivity and actually finished all that was in my to-do list. As you know, I always have my small daily tasks that I need to do. There's also a lot of things that need logging. My life is very organized. I finally fixed all of the logics in my brawler game. I was really struggling, but I figured it out somehow. All I need now are graphics and it's pretty much done. I packed my stuff for my very soon trip too. I'm going to see Sirko in California. We'll watch Taylor and go to Disney Adventure. That's super cool. She got her tickets for Disney today and there are no adults. That's cool for me because I'm literally at my peak teenage years.
I was awakened by my parents who requested that I pen a letter. Without comprehending a single word they were saying, I retreated back to bed. It's rainy and I can barely get out of bed (even after showering).Sirko's dude has some stuff he wants me to bring to her so I had to deal with that too. Good thing I had plans today because I would not have done anything from the weather that I swear has a sleeping spell. I met up with Ria, I wore all black along with a black bow. As you might have guessed, we went to see Oppenheimer. We got there and we immedieately bought tickets and food. We got there in time this time. The movie was so good and I was fully invested. I swear his eyes got bluer as the film progressed. We had girl brunch, talked and caught up about some recent stuff. Ria also showed me that I actually have my own Wikipedia page. That's so cool. We obviously had a whole moment of just revisiting the movie we had jsut watched and sharing out opinions. I ran an errand and then another, as my brother requested that I fetch some food for him before returning home. Ria went home, I did too. I am very tired. I have this affinity for things that are squeaky clean. I frequently clean my phone, especially after having some kind of long day outside. The sound of a squeak assures me of its cleanliness.My brother taught me how to not laugh in serious situations because I really struggle with that. It went very unsuccessfully. I forgot to mention he came home from orientation and will officially be gone like next week or something. He invited me for a game of Rocket League, which somehow lasted for hours. I was terrible at the game. I used to play this game, so I had no idea how I was doing so badly. It's not even rust; I'm straight up broken at this point. I found out I can't stay up late anymore because I felt nauseous as soon as the clock struck midnight. I continued playing nonetheless. Around 2 AM, we stopped playing, and I just talked to Sirko. I have no idea what we even talked about anymore, but I just know it was funny. It's always funny. I know I just sent her a bunch of voice memos until I tucked myself in.
I've been wanting to make room for at least an hour of my day which I can dedicate to just writing my thoughts down. I mean, I have a bunch of notebooks dedicated for this purpose, but they often end up being too polished and scrutinized to the very last detailed that it feels restraining. Whenever I write in most of my commonplace notebooks, I overanalyze everything to the point of falling down a whole rabbit hole of theories, so I can be objective about certain opinions or even new theories I might've come up with. For once, I just want to dump straight webs of thoughts down without even thinking. The objective is so I'd see my brain in a laid-out way where I can point out any recurring patterns, which might be the cause of why I feel so overwhelmed. I just want a clearer brain. My mind is so relentless right now that I can't even block it out, so I'm clearing it out. Kind of like transferring your files to some storage system. Maybe I'd get lucky and solve some stuff I have lingering in my mind easily. You know how information needs to be processed before it can turn into a memory? Well, sometimes I just choose not to process them. Isn't that so cool? It's a trick I have to forgetting anything by command. Too bad I can't use it right now. The first thing I did this morning was shower and write on a notebook. Before I actually started writing, I cleaned out my whole room. Going back to where I was: I finally dipped my pen into the inkwell of my chaotic thoughts. I actually searched this up, and turns out the thing I wanted to do has already been a practice for some people, and it's just called morning pages. Very simple. I like it. So I did that for quite a while, then I went downstairs for breakfast and brought a book with me. I read and annotated Sigmund Freud's collection of essays and papers for about 3 hours before calling it a break. I feel like I'd value this book much more if time passes by, right now it makes sense but it doesn't really matter to me yet. That sucks. I wrote more stuff on my new notebook so I defeated the whole purpose of the pages being for morning, but hey, atleast I'm actively dumping thoughts into it. I somehow find it satisfying. Shortly after, I turned my PC on and continued working on the brawler game I've been trying to develop. I helped my baby brother with his homework too. I read on and off throughout the day. I did normal day stuff
I can feel the weight of my phantom limb. I tried reading 4 different books all in the same hour and yet I still can't quite get myself out of my reading slump. I went out for lunch which was terrible because of a reason I can't share. It's not exactly terrible in a situational way, more of a, why is my brain wired this way, way. I made more graphics for the brawler game I've been working on. It's a slow progress. I don't know if I'm burning myself out, or my mind is just deeply occupied right now. While out, I had to accompany my baby brother on his little toy expedition. He wants to but a toy but I can read rigth through him and he just wants to get a toy for the sake of getting a toy. He couldn't find anything in the store that he liked so he kept on settling for anything random. I also learned that I'm getting old. The new generation is making memes now and I think that's where my abby brother got his Skibidi song from. It's so lame but I'm not one to judge. I went home, played the piano for a bit, got ready for bed and when I was about to go to sleep, my brother summoned me. He's leaving tomorrow for college. It's going to be out last late-night at the kitchen hangout. There was literally no food in the pantry so I just made myself tea. We talked for a bit and I even did our very traditionl height checks. I still have not grown. That was quite something. After that, I think I just went straight to bed.
I got a new lightsaber don't even ask why.
It's raining very heavily. The sky was dark when I woke up, partly because I woke up late, and partly because of the rain. I listened to a bunch of podcasts while doing some stuff around. I had my dermatologist appointment and decided that the rest of the day was for me to laze around. Then my dad texted me, telling me to get ready in a minute because he's going to pick me up to go to the driving range. I got ready and everything, only to find out that golf lessons are cancelled. Too bad. Taylor did Right Where You Left Me for Sta. Clara as one of her surprise songs. That's very depressing. It was Sirko's first choice for the tickets, but it was sold out quickly. We have the LA one, which is a week from now. Luckily, Taylor messed up, so she has to do it again since it's part of the rules. I wrote a letter I'd never mail out. I think writing is cool. I once wrote a paper on this concept that the brain isn't for storing things but for thinking, so writing stuff down gives you clarity, which would enhance a lot of things like your decision-making skills and whatnots. I was about to go to sleep when my brother called me out of nowhere. I saw it and went to his room, and water was apparently spilled on his PC. He asked me to help him, which I did a bit. I separated the wires for the different consoles (a very confusing task), then I just sat down and annoyingly gave him a bunch of jokes. Then I told him this one line that was like, "You're going to college?" I said it in a way of disbelief and knowing at the same time. He proceeded to tell me that he got this quick recollection of memories from that. He got déjà vu from what I had said. Five years ago, when I was still 12 and my brother had just turned 14, I asked him in the same tone I did the college question the whole "You're 14?" I think it's amusing. Whenever my brother hits any milestones, I always get this sense of crisis. I hate growing up. I guess my brother made it a bit easier for me since he's kind of paving my path. I don't really know what I want yet, but I've at least narrowed it down to two things. My brother gave me a lesson on how I don't have to make it so hard for myself, that we're from the suburbs and not from the trenches. He doesn't understand that I really just hate owing people, and that includes our parents. I was eventually kicked out of the room, but when he did finish cleaning, he asked me to inspect his room. I told him alright and started humming the Inspector Gadget Theme Song. I didn't really do anything; I kind of just looked around, then sat in his gaming chair. I think this is a very wholesome interaction because when he kicked me out for the second time, he was like, "You can go back now Inspector Cy (my real name sounds better here trust).
I accidentally clicked a notification I had in my phone. It was from Sirko's guy. He's asking me for advice because he wants to ask her to be official. I knew Sirko well. I didn't want to completely push him to that direction so I had to stall for like what seemed like almost an hour. While Sirko was showering, I was telling him complete gibberish saying the answer is within him or something. It as honestly funny. Good thing I'm great at being talkative without sharing anything at all. I had to call Sirko a bunch of times because I was panicking. I feel bad for the dude. I'm taking a break from golf because everything hurts. I updated my blog for a bit and finished The Good Place. Every twist ever was so great. I loved all the characters. Each one of them had their own ways of being loveable. The ending was also perfect. I was scared they'd end up leaving Michael behind but the whole Earth thing saved everything. I've never been more satisfied. Everyone got their happy endings. I like happy endings. Then I cried myself to sleep. Well, I actually slept later than usual I stayed up with The Bridge (Brie and Tony). We were doing our little thing where I'd say something weird and Tony would shut me up. Brie got sentimental. So epic. Then another friend of ours joned the call but I was already sleeping and he only woke me up for a second before I blinked and suddenly it was the next day.
The Good Place is such an awesome show. I'd write an entire review for it, but I don't feel like being annoying. I woke up and had another golf session. Same driving range, same instructor. I'm allowed to do full swings now. My whole body is hurting. I mean not too much (I think my body hurted the most whenever we'd have gymnastics days when I used to do cheer). I was with my dad. We went to this other golf shop and I bought shoes because grass. I had another cool conversation. There was this lady who I was talking to and she asked how old I was. I'm 17. She thought I was 12. Then she shared a bunch of stories about her past and I was convinced she was young too. She then revealed she was actually 40 but I swear she was like 25 max. My dad decided we should do eat and it was raining so hard. I ate and when I finally got to the car, I received a call from my mom. Apparently the teacher who failed me, finally answered. It's been an entire month of relentless chasing. This happened with Sirko's sister too. We literally both join comptetitions for English. There's just no way. Turns out I missed passing this one worksheet we had which I totally submitted. I don't miss anything because I'm literally obsessed with my grades. So that happened, I cried in the car when my teacher asked to talk to me. She doesn't even know what I'm missing because guess what? We never did anything. I even asked literally everyone. That's the great thing. I don't talk to any of my school friends at all but they're always so active. They confirmed that we do in fact not do anything, and this whole thing is jsut dumb and very personal. Whatever it was, she still lost my papers. The only good thing I got from this was that I wouldn't get disqualified. I am going to get a lower rank because my grades were nerfed, however, I can bet I'm still somewhere in the top 10. I watched more of The Good place then had a sleep call with Wacky. Except I didn't sleep when I was supposed to because my brother got me Mcdonalds so I had to eat that and brush my teeth again, then sleep. No, I cried a lot.
I woke up really early to play golf. It was something that was brought up in a converstation with my dad two days ago and now here we are. My brother also tagged a long. The instructor I had was great. I don't know if I have the qualificatins to say that statement since I don't really have ny other data to compare how great he instructed but I learned pretty easily. We were at a driving range and I think for a couple of sessions I'd just practice my swings there since I'm not exactly the most professional. I went home and slept like a log. After I showered, of course. I woke up and called Sirko so we could prepare for the Era's Tour. We made a bunch of frienship bracelets which wasn't the most successful. Sirko was stuck on her first bracelet because the beads kept on slipping off whenever she'd try to tie them and I kept on running out of vowels. We still managed to make a few until I got a call from my dad again asking me to get ready. I was picked up and we went to this golf shop to buy myself clubs and a caddy. I thin my clubs were the XXIO 12 Ladies one then the actual caddy was this light blue one I don't know a single thing about golf. I do plan on actually making it my sport though. So that's cool. I got my gloves and other apparels too because I have no idea. Then while I was playing on this corner of the shop, an old man approached me and told me "What a lucky girl". I thought that was an absolutely wholesome interaction. He also wished me luck with all my endeavors and I told him thank you and bowed because I always do. I think I have a reunion this day which I totally did not show up to... That's fine.
Me and Ria originally planned to Barbenheimer. Sadly, time restricts us because Ria has rehearsals and Brie already watched the Barbie movie which means we can Oppenheimer with her some other time. I wore pink and picked Ria up. She also wore pink. We actually picked a pretty similar outfit, which was totally unplanned. We were close on time. We barely made it. I mean, technically, we didn't make it on time at all since we did miss like a minute or five, but that's fine. We had to wait for food, and I personally have not eaten all day. For the record, I've been eating regularly. So missing a day is totally fine. I got home pretty late and played the piano. I learned "What Was I Made For" pretty quickly. I still want to discuss the movie with someone. Too bad Ria had to go the moment the movie ended, and Sirko is a gazillion miles away. Greta Gerwig did great.
What makes something funny? Is it when conventions are met by the unorthodox? When something makes us feel superior? Why was I being so incredibly mean last night with Sirko and yet I found everything funny? Why am I even questioning this and can't just have fun. Such a buzzkill. To add to those questions, why do I always cry at the end of the day when I've had a bit too much fun? I know about the incongrution detection and resolution, superiority, and relief theories but I still don't understand how even when I have this strict rule about being nice to everyone, I still find mean jokes funny. Am I just stupid? Anyway, I was a bit too happy last night which continued on to today so I'm already predicting it, I'm crying tonight. I had my orthodontist appoinment. So great. We went to the mall after that and my brother was making fun of everyone. Which was so coincidental to my recent ponder. My baby brother and older brother were looking for school shoes. They got their stuff and I just bought my outfit for Barbie. My older brother also got a car so that's cool. We got home and wacthed The Good Place. Wacky recommended it and it's actually so good. And I mean that because I finished all of season one in one day.
Why do I have this thing that always ruins everything at the back of my brain? What a terrible condition.
Critiques are weird. I get it, the whole new objective perspective and all, but I still think it's weird. I like assessing a lot of things and even writing about them. To be clear, I'm talking about solely critiquing but not in a constructive way. I think feedback is great. I'd even say that a cruel critique with substance is way beneficial than a whole book of praise. But other people are just plain rude. I've rated a lot of films (most are anime because I'm on MAL) and this might make me sound like a hypocrite, but maybe people just lack appreciation the more they don't know about a certain thing. I know that saying something is bad and knowing how to do something is completely different. I've been developing games recently and it really skyrocketed my sense of appreciation for every game ever. I think it's really the same with everything. A game can be bad, but when you know that they're trying their best to improve, I guess it makes it different in a way I acn't seem to express. I figured it out. Critiques are only weird in a context where there's a declaration or attempt of establishing social superiority. It makes sense because some say unsolicited rude things to others and pass it as a critique when they don't even mean to help the other person.
I woke up around 6 AM to text Wacky and went back to sleep. I got lazy to go up and actually function as a member of this society. I updated my journal for a bit and decided to read The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath. Shortly, I took a break to that and decided to just write. I just dumped my whole head into a piece of paper while listening to Come Back...Be Here (Taylor's Version). I also read Beach Read for a bit while listening to Timeless (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault). I think I can enjoy life even when it gets repetitve. Sylvia Plath is so right. And so is The Little Prince. He did the same routine everyday and still managed to be happy. My brother has been customizing his character on Roblox and as someone who was so obsessed with making up new outfits like every week (thanks Ria), I needed to give him some tips. It wasn't really anything, I just made him download a few extensions. He then showed me Legend of Speed and he started bragging about how he was on top; obviously I took it as a challenge. At first I told him I'd simply exploit. He said I'd get banned. Fair point. Then, I was like, okay, I'll just auto press keys then. Sadly, I had no time to look for whatever appliction because I was getting called down to eat so I needed to improvise. I made this thing out of Legos which actually gave me a cut and I have no idea how. Some would say I'm such a cheater but this is a way of fun with my brother. It was funny, he even helped me and everything. I also taught my baby brother how to play Roblox while we were hanging out in my my brohter's room. I gave him my Mac and had to sit him through the controls. I am such a cool sister.
My fountain ink needed a refilling. I separated the section with the nib and the feeder from the barrel and grabbed my ink bottle. I have a converter so it's a pretty simple process. And yet, I still managed to screw up. I've been using fountain pens for like a few years now. I think it started when I was rereading The Diary of Anne Frank like three whole years ago or something. One minor wrongly calculated move (I am being overdramatic for story-telling reasons) and I spilled half the ink bottle into my quite literally all white setup. Which you'd think that this would not be salvageable and I'd be left with a stain reminding me of how clumsy I am forever. But, no. Wrong. My ink's water soluble. I know that's not exactly the best since literally everything I've ever written would disappear as long as there's water contact but hey, it's useful in situations like this. I just wiped it off. I somehow even managed to make my white keyboard look like it never went to the great ink war. Poor things. I have no idea why I talked about spilling my ink in such detail but I'll move past that. I had my dermatologist appointment again. Same routine, very boring. We went to visit our grandma too. When I went to her house, I saw a picture of me and my older brother on the mantel and I just stared at it for quite sometime. In fact, my brother even felt obliged as to sneak up behind me and ask me why I was reminiscing in a very condescending way. He did the same exact thing after I stopped looking at the picture. I think it's just this humor he has where he always have to make fun of me of every little thing I do even when they're completely normal. It's not a bad thing. I think it's funny. I hope I'm explaining myself well. It's like a sister-brother thing. Once him and mom got into an argument and I heard him shout that only I get him. Very true. We went from being at each other's neck 24/7 do being the two closest beings with a weird relationhip of kind of hating each other ever. It's funny I swear. I don't know if I'm going that thing again but I'm gonna miss him when he goes to college. We were never really close to any of our cousins or anything. There's a bunch of family problems separating it and it's a very long story that I think I've only ever told Sirko and Skylar about. They have a complicated family thing too. It breaks me. The fact that they undertood how messy my family is. There's this other topic that surround this family problem thing that has been taking a huge toll on me this summer. I refuse to talk about it or acknowledge its existence because it's out of my control anyway. This is my last summer as a teenager and it sucks. This is completely out of topic but I think there's only ever one thing I've regretted in this whole life I've managed to live so far. The fact that I chose studying for midterms over my brother's 18th birthday. I'm sorry. It was all that mattered in my life that time. Now that I learned that maybe it isn't everything, I deeply regret it. I get it now. Anyway, this entry is getting kind of depressing. To add unto that, my parents are the biggest people pleasers ever. Not entirely. I think they're more of just nice people. They both carry so much baggage and I've watched them deal with it for so long. Sometimes that whole weight might result in their surpressed stress getting directed into us, bu they're trying their best. It doesn't excuse anything but it makes me understand them. Wow, if I were writing a book, I would so highlight that previous line I just wrote. But you know, that goes for a lot of people. I'll always try my best to understand people. Back to my day, I cried on the whole car ride because of this other problem I had in mind. Then I received a bunch of messaged from Brie telling me how pretty I was and that she was lucky she gets to see me so often. It was so random and yet I received that when I needed it the most. She literally had no idea how ugly I felt this day. On top of everything, I'm very overwhelmed. I have no idea where I'm getting all of what I've said from, but that's a lot.
I had to teach my baby brother how to write his name again, and his name is quite long. To encourage him, I promised him a reward for each letter he wrote perfectly. Looking back, I honestly was pretty lenient. I spent the whole day playing with him and doing what he wanted. The last time, he did terribly and so he couldn't get anything he wanted. I think it serves as a pretty fair lesson. I mean, it should be logical that if you put in effort into something, you'd get what you want. Now one might argue and say that that wouldn't be the case in the "real world". But honestly, the effort I'm talking about goes beyond instant gratification; it's more about making long-term investments in refining your skills, critical thinking, and problem-solving abilities. You can always blame the world for not being fair, but if you can stomach failures and learn from them, you'll eventually figure out any challenges. I used to play the game Special Forces Group 2 with my cousins. At first, we all firmly believed that playing against computer was just impossible. Take note that we were still children, because I know this makes me look stupid. But we played every single day and one day we kind of just learned where they'd peak and pre-aim there. It was a pattern easily recognizable.. Soon enough, even the hard mode became easy for us. This example may, I'd say is pretty weak, but it still illustrates my point. Back to the main story, After I did everything for my baby brother, I made him Bloop. I'm actually god and can sculpt anything so that part was pretty easy. After I finished with that, I went back to coding. I also bought cosplay stuff. So epic.
More coding. I am still far from done. The old moon follows me. I talked to people today. Not my usual people. When the sun began to set, I invited my baby brohter out to teach him how to sword fight. I told him that when I cut off one of his limbs he's supposed to pretend they're dead and hide them. The goal is for one of us to hit each other's vital spots. Which would usually be the heart. Obviously there's other advanced techniques and vital points but he's a child and he's not ready for that knowledge yet. It honestly feels great that I'm doing my duty as his sister and passing down all the things that made my childhood. Now this whole sparring or like sword duel would be great and all except he was using an actual wooden sword. This gave me actual physical damage. I had to cut it off after a while because at one point I just started running away. Then I told him that his sword was a grass cutter and he can cut grass with it. That kept him occupied for a bit. Then we went back home. I played the piano for a bit then went to sleep relatively early.
I've been working on my brawler game. I am turning into a hermit with all this coding. It's going great so far. I made a bunch more graphics and, you know, animating for my sprites, all that stuff. Then, remaking the same graphics I had just worked on. I love coding; it's so rewarding. I always just either get a yes or a !yes. Ha, get it? I'd know if I succeeded or failed with all my efforts, and I usually find a way around it. I've had times when I've given up and looked for another solution too, but I've only ever been temporarily stuck. I guess if you spend your time around something enough, you'll somehow either find its solution, coexist with its broken state, or use the error as something bigger than a whole.
I discovered a new emotion today. I told Sirko about it. I was past my bedtime since we do have very different timezones (sorry Wacky). At first, I was just making fun of her, as we usually do. I sent her a bunch of voicemails with my evil laughs and barely cohesive teases, then we got serious. I had this thought that has been lingering for quite a while. Whenever I'd think about it, my heart would genuinely ache. I never thought that ever happened in real life. I've always thought of it as more of a metaphor, but turns out it was real. It's such a new emotion for me – wanting something so much, you gain something to lose. What a complicated paradox. Anyway, Sirko now has yet another secret of mine that she seriously needs to take with her to the grave. I miss Sirko.
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I woke up around 6 am because I have full control of my body, and it's so awesome because I'm just that skilled in living life. I spent the whole morning listening to a lot of podcasts while doing some mundane tasks like an NPC. I'm really glad there's media available for me to listen to countless other people talk about their experiences. I genuinely enjoy hearing about what they've learned in life, especially when it's just them talking in front of a camera without any fancy editing or other equipments. I try to limit my consumption of social media, particularly platforms where we interact too much with people we don't even know, and where parasocial relationships are formed. I don't consider YouTube or certain main messaging applications (Instagram) as traditional social media because one is for communication, and the other, at least for me, provides me with personalized and more often that not, educational entertainment. The social media I restrict myself from are those that turn your brain off, the ones where you can mindlessly scroll for hours in. Of course, sometimes it's necessary to give my brain a little break too. I'm not excusing myself, and I won't be a hypocrite because obviously I'm a teenage girl with a smartphone so I do still consume quite a decent amount of the unproductive media but that's besides the point. I love being an observer of people, but it's a very specific type of people that I enjoy observing. It's hard to explain, but it makes sense in my brain. I started also reading Scott Pilgrim, Vol. 1: Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life," and it's pretty cool. Whole afternoon onwards, I resumed my coding and basically worked on that the entire day. I decided that my character would be a ninja and started developing that concept. I haven't thought much of it through; I'm just pulling ideas from nowhere, but it's going great so far. Of course, I encounter a bunch of errors every 10 minutes, but that's to be expected when coding anything. I created the graphics and everything myself, so although it's tedious, it makes me so much cooler.
This morning, I was tutoring my baby brother, and he was being so stubborn. He'd do this thing where whenever he knew he was wrong he'd act stressed and do a quick whine of frustration if that makes sense. Then he started talking about his little interests and I was half listening. Until he mentioned Exogorth. See, I'm usually not fully paying attention whenever he talks, but this time, he was talking Star Wars. I searched it up and it was literally a creature that appeared in the show for almost a milliesecond. I promised him that I'd make him an Exogorth if he could write his name perfectly. I'm pretty much god and can make anything so he tried his best. But I also warned him that he needs to put it pass our mom's legibility test. He did not succeed so I didn't make him one. I wanted him to learn that there are consequences in life and you can't always get what you want just because you "tried". After that, I spent some time catching up on my blog. I wrote a lot today and took a look back at the past week. Didn't really do much else, to be honest. Writing these blog entries is almost like a whole entire hobby. I'd easily resolve this if I wrote my drafts a little cleaner so I could just copy and paste all of them, but no. I ended up going to bed early at 10 PM.
I was going to go out but The Dark Reunion is haunting me again. I decided I'd stay in to save myself from the harsh reality of being who I am biologically. So, I continued my day with only one plan in mind: Coding a new webpage. I created a bunch of new graphics. Sadly, I ended up scrapping the one I spent most of my time on. These sacrifices are very essential because my website would only look ugly if I choose to force something only because I already spent my time on it. I think that's dumb. It wouldn't serve me any good purpose on the long run and I'd only despise it anyway; it's good I disposed it. Which goes for a lot of things. Exhibit 1: Friends. In the TV series Suits, Mike Ross has this friend named Trevor. He's almost like a metaphor. It's a friend he has been attached to solely for the reason that they go way back and all he has ever done is ruin his life. Quite literally. He forgives him every single time and even when he had managed to cut him loose, he still comes back. He's like a dead weight that would only drag you down. But Mike can't get rid of him because he already knows a lot and he spent a lot of time being his friend. He's creating his own paradox. I hate that dude. Back to me coding, I was just winging everything, so it was this series of trial and errors. The new page is designed to display the game I was working on just the other day.
I'm planning to sleep early because I have this genius idea. What if I start sleeping early? It would serve two purposes: fixing my sleep schedule and matching my time with Wacky's. It's like killing two birds with one stone, although personally, I wouldn't harm any birds, so I'll use my own metaphor of obtaining two items from an arcane machine. That's always a good thing, right?
With everything that has been happening recently, I have come to the conclusion that boredom is a good thing and is a step closer to meditation. I want to experience boredom again. Theb more (Wacky's made up word which is basicaly having a web of thoughts). I should also stop mentioning him in my blog because once I look back on this, there's no turning back. But then again, maybe I'll take a gamble and talk about him as much as I think about him, hoping we won't end up being part of the 98% of people who... I bet I'm already jinxing it.
Everyone is exhausted. We all slept at around 5-7 AM, which is obviously not good. So, it was Brie, Tony, me, and Bokuto. I was running really late because I decided to sleep in for a bit. I have to admit, that extra sleep was still so beneficial. I also had an appointment, so I had to get that over with quickly too. Before I left, my younger brother asked me to buy him a sword, and I was planning to get him one anyway. I didn't plan on cosplaying, but I did pull out my Trafalgar Law hoodie. If you know him, his whole outfit is actually really easy to replicate. All I needed now was a hat and his kikoku sword. I decided to do my cosplay on-site.
I met up with Brie at the convention, and I took some time to fix myself up. A few seconds later, I finally completed my cosplay and got my sword and hat. Brie was dressed as Quanxi, Bokuto was Ichigo, and Tony was Cartman. We went around the booths, I had to deviate from my usual route and convention rules because, I swear, they were everywhere all at once. Tony got tired and sat down for a bit, so we joined him. I bought the sword my younger brother wanted, and Tony also bought a water gun. We sat back down, and I showed them my sword skills. They're really just variations of the Obi-Ani spin. It's a bit harder with the flat hilt, so it kind of hurts more when I spin it compared to a normal lightsaber. I thought we were having fun.
Later on, we decided to grab some food because none of us had eaten since we woke up. Bokuto wanted to stay for the concert, and Tony assured us that he would be fine on his own. We went to IKEA and then looked for food. The lines were long everywhere, so it took us a while to find something to eat. In the end, we got milk tea, and Brie had to leave, so I said my goodbyes. I told them I would find my parents and get home safely. I picked up some takeout from a Japanese restaurant and headed home. I fell asleep on the way back, and when I woke up, apparently the whole hangout didn't go well. You see, I'm very not good at reading the room, and I usually receive positive feedback from people I hang out with. I could've sworn we were all getting along. I guess Bokuto and Brie weren't exactly on good terms, but I swear that was even before I arrived.
Anyway, I got home and decided to learn more sword tricks. I focused mostly on the windmill. I already knew the basic flow, so I just refined that skill. I tried out a bunch more tricks from random tutorials I found until my arms cramped up. I figured I had practiced enough to recreate them whenever someone has a sword or any kind of staff, and I can show off my skills. Oh, and I also gave my younger brother his green katana, and he was so happy. Fun fact, he waited by the main entrance of our house like a dog, eagerly waiting for my return. He didn't even shower. My mom sent me a video of him crying, saying I left him and went to Japan. Luckily, my older brother, Luke, made him a makeshift sword out of paper. I followed my nighttime routine, and then my younger brother knocked on my door, asking if we could have a sword fight. I went to my older brother's room, where we usually hang out, and played around for a bit.
When I returned to my room, I noticed I had a few missed calls. Brie was crying. I wrote out a solution graph on my whiteboard, hoping it would at least lighten the mood. How horrible.
Woke up extremely late. I had breakfast and lunch, like two separate meals, in the span of an hour. I was starving. I know I said I finished my game Cy Run but, it needs a few refining. I went back to coding. I also saw Skylar messaged. It completely slipped my mind that the new The Summer I Turned Pretty season is out! He's been wanting to watch it with me and Sirko but I honestly think that wouldn't happen anytime soon. Incase I forget, I'll put her how I turned my .py file type into a .exe one with icon. So I converted the .py into .pyw, I installed pyinstall (pip install pyinstaller), created a one-file bundle executable (pyinstaller.exe --onefile --icon=icon.ico CyRun.pyw), bundled it again because I don't know which one works (pyinstaller -F CyRun.pyw), then change its icon (pyinstaller -F -i "icon.ico" CyRyn.pyw). I'm pretty sure it's the second one that made it work but I really wouldn't know. I finally published my game and it took me quite a while. Tony beta tested for me at around 4 AM and he modded it. He changed all the graphics into his own and it was funny. Wacky joined VC too.
I am sick. The type of sick that would pass away easily so I'm not too concerned. This is the worst I've felt waking up. I wanted to shower immediately. What a horrible way to start the day. I continued coding and I'm almost done. If I were to approximate, I'd say I can finish this by tonight. I called with Tony and Brie to open the Lego Minifigures we got and I didn't get Baymax. Tony, Brie, and Bokuto invited me to play Bloons so I got it on Steam and played for a bit. I coded some more while waiting for them then Brie and Bokuto decided to prank me and Tony. Their story is that they broke up. Spoiler alert, this aged like milk. I called their bluff immediately and so did Tony. I finally finished my code so that's like a huge weight off my shoulders. I'll publish it on Itch.io tomorrow. We played Bloons and I left early because of reasons. I still slept at around 5 AM
It has been an undeniable reality that, this past week, by the time I even wake up, the majority of the people inhabiting this planet have already completed all their tasks and errands. I swear I'll fix my sleeping schedule once I finish the coding projects I've been working on. This fact became evident when my brother woke me up and asked me to text his girlfriend and tell her to call him if she needed anything (he's going to be temporarily blind for a while and will not be able to read her texts) because in the long duration that I was asleep, he had already undergone an operation, and I was completely clueless.
There was a concert I had to attend, even though I didn't really want to go. I pullef out energy from nowehre and got ready due to some weird force compelling me. The rain was pouring heavily, and I felt so lazy to even move. I arrived at the venue and somehow managed to get in. The line was long, and I suggested to my friends that we should just ditch it. As it turned out, I was ten steps ahead because the concert ended up being an absolute disaster. The rain became so intense that everyone was drenched. The event was eventually canceled. It was nothing but a waste of time. Since I had decided to skip it, I got to satisfy my cravings and headed to Shake Shack. Tony and Brie joined me, and we had some pretty serious talks. Although I had escaped the rain by avoiding the concert, the temptation was too strong, and I couldn't resist running in the rain. We also had a karaoke session, starting and ending it with absolute bangers. We bought blind bags of Lego minifigures, but I cheated a bit by feeling the packages to try and get Baymax (Spoiler Alert: I didn't get Baymax). When I returned home, my throat was sore, likely from all the screaming during karaoke. I ordered McDonald's and passed out.
Today is a day for socializing. Ria has been a cast in this play for quite some time, and today marks her final show. She was playing the role of the lamp lighter in The Little Prince. I think I wrote about her first show in my blog back in January and she was the Fox then. The performance starts in the afternoon, so I decided to meet up with Brie beforehand. I saw her and we just walked around, looked at some Legos, and tried looking for Sonny Angels because Brie took an interest on them. Then we went to the dog cafe we always go to. I had wings and biscoff. Shortly after, Teth joined us, and we caught up on each other's lives. It wasn't awkward at all; every conversation sailed smoothly. We also bought flowers for Ria. I chose pink ones because, although I'm not a flower expert, I know pink does perfectly equate to Ria. We arrived at the school and watched Ria's play. She was absolutely awesome. Since Teth had recently returned to our school after years of studying in another country, we gave him a tour of the campus to show him all the changes that had occurred. I went home super tired and decided it would be so cool to memorize a bunch of lines from Star Wars. At night, while in the same voice chat I always join, I was streaming and accidentally revealed my super secret entirely compiled encryption code. Tony clipped it, so now he has more blackmail material on me. I continued coding and creating graphics until 4 AM. Wacky briefly joined, and I freaked out because I heard his voice.
My mom or whoever in the house woke me up early for tech support, which honestly just felt like I was lucid dreaming. I probably just turned whatever it was they asked me to fix on and off. I went back to sleep after. I did some more Pygame throughout the day. My eyes are drier than the Sahara Desert. They are very strained from all the coding I've been doing. I'm enjoying this, though. I love learning, especially when it isn't forced. I like it when the lectures I watch have those interactive pause-to-solve-on-your-own little activities too. I always get them right. I slept at around 5 AM again. I've been sleeping really late this past week. I'm going to fix that soon. This time, I couldn't sleep because a friend of mine was crying over his ex and listening to Olivia Rodrigo songs.
It was Python last night, now I'm doing the Cs50 Introduction Course from Harvard. It took about 2 hours and I took notes. I paused a lot so it consumed quite a bit of my day. After that, I started learning Pygame. This time, I will indulge in experimmetial learning or learning by doing since this is how I've learned literally everything I know about coding. I can even go as far to say that applying all those theoretical concepts and just free-handing everything is the only way you can truly learn coding. It's gonna take a gazillion errors and a few staring at your monitor for 10 hours straight trying to find the said error but it's always so worth it. I'm following this tutorial on Youtube that I think is the first to pop when you search up Pygame. Obviously, I'm not fully following it and customized the code a bit because I'm a masochist and I always make things harder for myself.
I'm tracking Wacky's flight. He knew I liked Taylor's song Last Kiss and made me relate to it. Exact lyrics on the exact date. So real. I'm depressed now (I'm kidding).
I thought I had a doctor's appointment, and my body clock just woke itself up; I was wrong. Too bad, now I am sleep deprived. I binge-watched all of Ryan Trahan's new One Week Penny Challenge thing. The last summer I spent with that series part of my morning routine was actually such a good time. I'm glad it came back, even if it was just for a short period of time. I coded for a bit and had a quick light bulb moment. I want to make three games: a dungeon crawler game, an endless running game, and a brawler. How will I make this? I have no idea. I'll figure it out when I work on it.
I tutored my baby brother, which I haven't been doing, and he remains so stubborn. He was crying each time he wrote a single letter, which I swear he could do before. I feel bad, but this is an inevitable Asian phase he has to go through.
I went out with my family for dinner. I listened to Wacky's audio blog (my podcast now) on the way. I ate the best vegetables I will ever taste in my whole entire life. I like the place we went to. It has so many greeneries. Before everyone else started finishing their food, I briefly excused myself and grabbed some Starbucks to satisfy my thirst and sweet tooth after the salty (it wasn't bad, it was the perfect amount of salt, but you know what I mean?) meal. When we finally got home, I skated outside for a bit, then played the piano. I did a cover of "Vampire" by Olivia Rodrigo and got ready for bed.
Since I had planned on making games earlier this game, I decided to restudy the basics of Python using a book. I took notes all night while Tony was playing Only Up and suffering from a cold, and Brie was drunk in VC. Another friend joined the call and noticed my stream, to which he asked, "Why are you studying this late at night?" It was like 4 AM at that point.
I wore purple for Speak Now (Taylor's Version). It was awesome. I wish Sirko was with me so we could have had a listening party like we did last time with Midnights. I listened to the entirety of the album while talking to Nefer. It's been a while since we last actually talked. She's getting Japan tickets for Taylor too, and now we're just hoping we can win in the lottery system they have. Taylor also changed the lyrics for "Better Than Revenge," which was one of the main things I think I should point out. I don't mind it as much and I hate changes. I mean, Taylor would have still received backlash if she kept the older version. I Can See You is my song by the way. I am claiming it.
Reece Daniels is literally my soulmate. He looks like Anakin and I've been watching a lot of his videos. Such a down to earth dude.
I just remembered, Nefer sent me this conversation she had with her friend, and the way other people talk about me is insane. In the best way possible. Keeping my very mysterious profile is a good thing after all. People somehow knew where I lived and even my cars. Long story short, the way my lifestyle is being described is like living the dream. I mean, I know how to appreciate it, so I could say I like how I live, I guess?
I have absolutely no rest. I still feel bad for Sirko. I uploaded a bunch of footages from my digicam into my laptop so I could edit it in iMovie. I mean, I only plan on comipiling it anyway. I fixed my stuff and headed to the farm house. The ride was relatively quick since I had the aux again. When I got there I played with my dogs. I tried reading for a bit but that didn't work out. I played with the kids. My baby brother has like some friends in the neighborhood so that's awesome. So there's Bonnie and Milo, Bonnie is like 6 years old, I think. Milo's younger but I just didn't ask. He carried this excavator and played with the dirt a lot. My baby brother was obviously the most chaotic getting animals out of their cages and carrying them freehand. I had to keep watch of them. We went to the aviary and I swear my baby brother has no fears. Anyway, I biked with my baby brother but he only wanted to go around the roundabout so not even long after, I started getting dizzy and had to ditch him. He got frustrated because he was slow and couldn't catch up. While I was ridng the bike, I realized I forgot my glasses and that awareness made me even more dizzy. I slept on the couch after which is literally my favorite sleeping place ever. And I sleep everywhere.
Writing is hard. I always somehow manage to either overexaggerate something or underplay it. I'm going to try my best to objectively describe this day. I went on my first very non-romantic date yesterday. I'm kidding; it wasn't platonic. You see, I had originally planned on narrating this story completely opposite from how Wacky has written it in his own online journal, but I'm scratching that idea.
I am dying. No, not exactly. I shouldn't be. While Wacky was having a solo date with himself, I was still sleeping. See, that's just horrible. I think I still arrived at the original meet-up time, so that's good. I had to get my glasses at my other house because I left them there. Normally, I just wouldn't wear my glasses because I'm stupid anyway, but I wanted to see Wacky. That, and I was so dizzy that the default dizziness I get from not wearing my glasses alone was only going to amplify my horrible state. Yesterday, I wrote down that I wasn't exactly feeling well. I woke up so nauseous. That feeling eventually died down, but I was cursing my friends because they should've told me not to do all the things I did yesterday (they did tell me, but I'm stubborn).
I arrived at the mall, and when I asked him where he was, he told me he'd find me. It was like a game of manhunt or hide and seek. But see, I have simply never lost in any game ever (I have, but my fingers are crossed, so I'm not lying). I obviously won. See, while he was telling me he was my stalker and could easily find me, I spotted him first. Then I ran away. But then I lost sight of him. I think he went up. I didn't know that. I was looking around everywhere again while he made fun of me. A rookie mistake. I decided to cheat. The best way to find someone is through a hawk eye's view, which was going to the very top floor. Okay, in my defense, this wasn't exactly cheating. I just needed a better and expanded vision. By pure coincidence, I actually found him there. I totally won. We went to a Japanese restaurant and sat across from each other. I can barely fathom the fact that I am sitting in front of a very good-looking person who might potentially like me back. My nerves got to me, and I was covering my face from feeling the heat creep up my whole face. I was literally restless. I couldn't even keep a single second of eye contact. It wasn't helping that he was straight up staring. At times he didn't, I was the one staring. Is that rude? Somehow, he managed to pay for the food even though I don't let anyone pay for anything ever. The thing is, he did that the entire day. Now I owe him a lot. We got ice cream because he had a dream once where he (as Spiderman) took out for ice cream. He is still very clingy, and I like it. I like touchy people. Then we sat down on random benches and chatted a lot. He managed to convince me (somehow) to watch Insidious with him. We walked around, waiting for the showing, and we listened to music. He made me listen to some of his playlists, and I made him listen to my favorite song. After a while of just being with each other's company, we were finally allowed inside the cinema. The film was lowkey milked from the franchise. It's like what they did with Annabelle—pure jump scares, no story, and they were all poorly made scenes too. This whole movie could've been condensed into 5 seconds at the ending of the last film or something. We cuddled, platonically, okay. I had severe butterflies. We went to check out Legos; he was so cute. I was staring at him even when I refused to let him look at me. Anyway, we wandered off again, went to Panda Express for dinner because I love orange chicken. He paid again. I've never been fuller. I am stuffed. I could be one of the victims of the witch in Hansel and Gretel. He had this lying joke he kept up for a while, and it was funny. He's so funny. Then we went to the park, and he laid down on my lap, and I played with his hair while exchanging stories and stuff. It was fun. The day ended, and I had to leave first, but I told him my dream, and we made an unbreakable pinky-index finger sealed with the thumb unbreakable promise because I told him if I told him my dream, he can't chase after me. I told him my dream. I kissed him in the dream, by the way. Apparently, he wanted that, and that was his dream too, but too bad. I got milk tea before I got home and died. I'm still hungover from yesterday, not as much, but it was enough to make me extra tired at the end of the day.
I woke up early, but then I fell back asleep, causing my day to start later. I got up and prepared myself for the day since I had plans to hang out with my friends, Rhett and Skylar. I braided my hair and didn't really bother making myself look presentable since it's just them anyway. I got my skateboard and soccer ball then went on my way to my other house. The day was absolutely epic. We skated for a bit, tried out tricks (that I did not succeed landing), wanted to do ramps but was refused too since it was too dangerous, then went back to the house. I ordered pizza and while waiting, we just caught up. It's been a while since the actual three of us hung out. I'd say about 3 years. We obviously have our own group chat and are still highly in touch. But this little hangout was way long over due. I owe them so much. We talked about the randomest to the most controversial stuff ever. I'll share this one thing Rhett told me because I thought I looked cool and it's such a main character moment. He asked about where I was with my piano and I told him I still play. He told me he remembered back in 8th grade, he heard me once from the music room in school playing Fur Elise and was so amazed by it. Isn't that so cool? It's like I lived a book scenario and I never even knew. The food arrived and we went out to eat there while playing basketball. When we finished, I had this super awesome idea of doorbell ditching. We went around the village and profiled every house ever. The first block we were at was an absolute mission impossible. The houses were placed in a circular way so that was just, no. We looked and looked until we found our very first victim. Skylar and Rhett had crocs on and went on sports mode. We were planning our route and everything. We were taking turns and Skylar went first. He was about to hit the doorbell when Rhett saw a CCTV. So that was a fail. But obviously, we continued. Skylar looked for another house and did the doorbell ditch. It was such a good time. It was a whole cycle of profiling, planning, doorbelling, and running. There was this one house in particular that was very... risky. So while we were walking around, we passed this girl with walking her dog and the dog peed on the house's owner's car wheels. The owner got so mad he went out and started scolding the poor girl. Rhett was like "You know what would be a great idea? If we did the dude who got his car wheel's peed on." I had a camera with me, and I just stood super far away from them. This was my idea and all, but I don't think I'd be able to run that fast. I watched them for a distance and when the time came to run, I did. The pizze was killing us. We ran for so long until I found this little alley that I swear was bestowed to us by the gods. We went there and we took a break. No in fact, we were so tired, we went home (which is now referred to as the safe house). We talked some more and the topic became a lot heavier. Skylar thought it'd be a great idea if he got alcohol. We went outside and we drank (with permission from Wacky, I swear). I did everything I wasn't supposed to do. I laid down on the floor, I was doing soccer drills, I didn't eat nor did I drink water, I'm dying tomorrow. Oh, and for the heavy topic, when I got home, home, I had to break the news to Sirko which was terrible. I showered, went to bed, then I called Wacky and told him about today until I fell asleep.
Reese Daniels is my soulmate.
I saw the early sun. Nice. I found out Sabrina Carpenter will be doing a show here so I called Ria to try and convince her to come with me for the concert. I'm literally Sabrina's Emails I Can't Send album.
I went to the mall and did girl stuff.
I watched The Flash with my brother and it was spontaneous so I was wearing like... not much. It's a good thing that the movie was relatively good-ish or atleast it kept me alive with the amount of cameos so I didn't feel the cold cinema air at all.
Okay, this Flash movie was another reset, and I know the DC universe has been resetting so much, and I hate it too. But literally, all their actors are quitting, so too bad. They introduced the concept of multiverses, and I know what you're gonna say, "OMG, like that hasn't been done a gazillion times by Marvel." WRONG. In fact, fun fact, The Flash was the first ever to introduce the concept of multiverses in its comics. Flash back to 2 years ago, I told everyone, "OMG, Snyder's cut, the 4-hour-long movie that has the weird dimension of the Justice League where he was given freedom as director, blah blah blah." They did the Flashpoint when he went back in time by a couple of seconds to stop the thing from getting destroyed and history on the Flashpoint. The Reverse-Flash, Flash himself, created the Flashpoint timeline by traveling back in time to stop him from killing Barry's mother. Now we all know Reverse-Flash, the yellow guy who goes back in time, blah blah Black Racer, Black Flash. How do I know it's not Reverse-Flash? Besides him not being yellow, well, he said the line where he says time and death are conceptual in the Flashpoint. It's in the comics. Oh, they introduced the inevitable intersection, which is basically a canon event too, or an absolute point like in "What If?" There are so many cameos. So, if I remember correctly, General Zod, Gal Gadot, Ben Affleck, which was as insane as when I saw Ezra Miller because one is supposed to be in jail and the other, I'm pretty sure, quit because of Justice League, and he said he'd never do it again. Michael Keaton, who, by the way, was the one who said, "I'm Batman," in the Flashpoint. Jay Garrick, the first Flash with the tin hat. Nicholas Cage as Batman. Christopher Reeve's first Superman.
After the movie, I became Flash. I'll never get tired of claiming characters and acting like them after I watch any movies in the cinema. I think it's a funny bit. I'm pretty sure it's very common for everyone to experience the post-movie effect.
I got banned from Instagram AGAIN.
This is becoming a real problem. It's okay. It doesn't exist. Ew. I can't control it, so I won't mind it. I don't think I can consider myself a stoic, but I've read the books, whether it was Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, or even watched some of Ryan Holiday's videos. It's a whole rabbit hole. It's honestly so useful. Like little things you learn and bits of knowledge you acquire from the words and experiences of other people. I've learned a lot from that small hyperfixation I had before. The only thing I can control in my current situation is how I react to it. If I let it affect me, I'd lose. The dichotomy of control is a great thing.
Today's a dreadfully mundane day. And yet, there's something about it that I deeply appreciate. It's refreshingly uneventful. I love Ranking of Kings so much, I'm actually obsessed with Bojji. I finished season 1 so that's awesome. I did not partake in much else. I even slept early. Like I slept within the same day early. Such a feat I have not achieved in the longest time.
I woke up really early for my orthodontist and dermatologist appointments. I slept a lot today. I can't go out because there's this thing I hate, and it makes me want to vomit. I don't usually hate, but this thing I just pretend doesn't exist, or else I'll be absolutely repulsed. Sirko knows how much this would ruin my summer. Ew. I slept again and watched more Ranking of Kings. My head hurts, and I think I'm going to get sick.
Today's movie of the night is Teen Beach with Tony and Brie again. I have now perfected the skill of talking like a Disney main character. We also have new dance moves for our dance crew, which we just named B-FAB. We tried watching a new movie but I was too tired and they did other stuff too. We just talked until I fell asleep.
I'm sick. This is my last day on Earth. I'm going back to planet Tatooine to regain my strength. I woke up around 1 PM, and not even 3 hours in, I think I've already taken at least 3 showers. I feel so horrible, and usually, my showers would fix it, but I am still dying.
I love Sabrina Carpenter. I made more playlists for her songs. I haven't been the greatest at picking one struggle. My life isn't at its peak right now, but it's bearable and isn't too bad, so I'll take it.
I went out (still sick) for this dinner reservation we had, and while we were waiting, I played this two-player games app thing with my brother Luke. It brought so much nostalgia from when he would cheat, and I cried about it. He still cheats at his old age now, by the way. When we got to our table and ate, my family had this talk that made me realize that there are a lot of things you can get away with. Like my path doesn't have to be so straight, and even the worst things ever could still be fixable. I've been having a hard time grasping my reality because of reasons, and as much as I say I accept everything that happens and I can't dwell on anything, there's a part of me that's still disappointed.
I fixed my calendar. I have so many plans stacked up, and Rhett and Skylar are real ones for setting their dates so quickly.
Still hoping I could get the tickets.
I miss Sirko again. I cried. Some people may never get the relationship I have with the friends I made when I was 14, but they're the ones that truly stuck with me. It wasn't just because they were around; I had a lot of baggage, and don't get me wrong, I still do. But they helped me carry it for a lot of times while still being fun to be around. I miss Sirko because we could've had such an awesome summer, but now I can't. I have other friends, but it's different when they have different interests. It just makes me feel a bit alone, even when I still have the best people around me. I cried, and it's Friday. She cried, and it's Saturday for Sirko. That's on schedule.
I watched this video on a guy who filmed his summer with a camcorder. I'll do the same thing. I'm using an Olympus Pen Lite E-PL7. I decorated it, cleaned the SD card, and made a new Instagram account for it.
I also watched the first few episodes of Ranking of Kings. I'm already crying. I love it. I love Bojji. What a great anime.
I had a dream.
Ryan Trahan's Penny Challenge videos are returning meaning my life is gonna get better again. I told Sirko immediately. I told her to tell her little brother who is a fan too. My parent's aren't home often so me and my brother have been getting Panda Express orange chickens for pretty much every meal of the day. I'm trying to get Taylor Swift Eras Tour (Japan) tickets again. I FaceTimed Ria since she might come too. Then I started watching this anime Skylar recommended.
Today's movie with Brie and Tony is Step Up 3. I'm finally seeing Moose again. He's actually my soulmate. When the movie ended, I made a bunch of edits... By edits, I mean putting my face on everything he touched. I had to do it. He's literally my guy.
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B,A, start. I woke up an immediately had this alien abduction vision. I will be the girl who cried wolf and no one would ever believe me. I thought more about it in the shower and it's a real problem. No like, there's seriously no way anyone would ever believe me. What if I do get to talk to them then they introduce themselves and it's a word that is impossible for humans to say. Then I'd sound dumb trying. This reminds me of Tweel. I love that alien. I love Isaac Asimov. I spent a good while doing math for A Martian Odyssey just to solve this little riddle that wasn't even a riddle and its whole premise is just proving that 1+1=2 and how this fact could be used to communicate in a way an intelligent creature would understand.
Whole morning I was curating playlists. It's an entire hobby at this point. I played the guitar and just did that. Oh, I played Cyberpunk too. There's this really cool guy who does super epic game movement videos on it and I tried doing those. I failed.
I did the two-player parkour Minecraft game thing with Wacky again and we had a sleep call. So epic.
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Here's my current thought process: Smosh. Ryan Higa. Sean and Ryan's friendship necklace. Are they still friends? So I went to his Twitch which I know he's very active at and clicked the latest one. He still has the necklace on. I hope I never lose the matching ring I have with Sirko. It's like this little sign of friendship that would always keep us together even when we don't talk as much anymore. Which, I doubt we'd ever stop talking. But you know, Sean and Ryan gives me hope and I think that's cute. Anyway, when I saw Ryan's stream, he was playing Only Up. Most logical thing to do is play the game too. I did. It was frustrating. Auto uninstall and refund after I fell off. There is no way I'm doing all that again.
I have this history with midnight cereals. I'd have them so much that I'd go through the milk cartons and cereal boxes so quickly. They just taste that much better at night.
I added a dark mode for my archives page because apparently it's not colorblind-friendly. It took me like 5 seconds tops to add it but I swear it's the most useful thing in this website ever.
I am writing more documents. I am very tired. I spent the entire day with sheet musics, learning more songs on the piano and guitar. Around midnight, our somehow very usual nocturnal schedule, I played Minecraft with Brie, Tony, and Wacky. Then we played a two-player parkour game, and Wacky totally carried (sorry). Sirko had a problem and called me midgame, temporarily stealing me away from Wacky. She talked while I played the guitar because she knows my brain works better when I'm doing multiple things at once.
My favorite song is Right Where You Left Me, right? I'm not sure if I've ever written about this here, but basically, the whole backstory of that is when I was watching Gilmore Girls, there was this character named Dave Rygalski. He was so perfect. But then the real-life actor was offered another show (which was successful, so good for him), and he had to leave, so we never got to see him again, and then I became the epitome of "Right Where You Left Me." I'd forever believe he never left and that he and Lane actually got a happy ending. The point of me telling this is because I saw an edit of them again, and I was telling Sirko that I think I found my Dave Rygalski, and if I lose this, I'll end up like Lane and be miserable. She wasn't super miserable exactly but how can she have had the most perfect man then settle for the biggest loser ever who did nothing but ruin all her opportunities? I personally rather die thinking of what could've been than continue living a life with Zack.
The sketchbook I mentioned yesterday will never see the light of day ever again. I'm over it. I can still draw, so that's good to know. I slept a lot. It's raining so hard outside, so I can't really go anywhere. I played with my baby brother, and fun fact, whenever he sees my guitar, he runs to the piano and smashes the keyboard. Anyway, I taught him the special forces positions or something like that. I think of it as a very sacred tradition that's passed down through generations, which in my case was taught by my cousins. How do people with no siblings learn how to properly play guns? I started watching Highschool Musical: The Musical: The Series too. I finally sculpted the whale thing I've been working on. Or, well, not really working on. It was very messy.
Tony came from a concert, and he asked me to VC, so I gave him a concert. Isn't that so awesome? Then I acted for him because I'm obviously a one-man show. I did a bunch of lines I still have embedded in my head because of my Oral Comms class. Then I memorized Dave Rygalski's speech live just to flex my super genius and awesome memory. Then, once we settled down... By that, I meant once it reached the 5 AM mark, we started doing our Lego rooms again.
Please make it stop. I don't feel well and I don't know how to feel. I haven't stopped crying since last night. I hate my tear duct's somehow unlimited supply of tears. When I did manage to hold it back, I'd find my throat aching in turn. The good thing about this is the fact that I am literally Paris Geller. I finished writing my appeal in the morning because I'm still smart despite whatever I even saw yesterday. I helped my baby brother with his homework. It was very tiring. I had my dermatologist appointment. Then I cut my nails so I could play my guitar properly again. I'm trying to compose a piano piece too. I brought my sketchbook out from the grave and drew stuff like a little boy who had touched comic books for the first time. It's been a while.
I hope I get the presale code from Ticketmaster. Sigh.
I woke up late. See, my phone was taken away last night, and all my physical alarm clocks are pretty much busted. They do make awesome displays, though. But I woke up in a state of panic. Why? I personally would never stand my friend up. After showering, I grabbed my phone which, by some stroke of weird luck, still had a decent battery percentage. I went straight to school, where I had originally planned to meet my friend. Brie was already there because she had her varsity training thing. I needed to get my yearbook and report card. We had coordinated matching outfits because we thought it would be cool. After I finished my small side quests, we proceeded to the mall. I'll talk about my report card later so the summary of my day would flow better. Honestly, when I first saw it, I just ignored it and forced myself to act like it didn't exist for the whole day.
Continuing with my day, me and Brie finally arrived at the mall. I kept making "I'm Moose" jokes, and we were having a great time. I did a bit of retail therapy, which we don't talk about. We met up with Bokuto and had some milk tea. I was their adopted child. We visited a few shops and strolled around. Since our primary reason for the hangout was to watch Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, we checked the showtimes and chose the nearest one. Brie bought us popcorn while Bokuto went to get food from the food court. Brie and I entered the cinema. Bokuto followed. It was epic. I might post a review of it somewhere online because I always have a lot to say. Anyway, surprisingly no one has had their first meal of the day yet. We opted for Bonchon. I was playing main character, and quoting the movie. I dragged that out with more main character dialogues. Why? Movie effect. Nah, I'm kidding. I've been doing that the entire week. We exchanged stories then did karaoke. After doing a few other activities, I decided to head home early.
I got home and ran straight to my room. I couldn't call Sirko because I knew she was asleep due to our time zone difference, so I decided to call Skylar instead. At this point, I feel like I owe my whole life to him. I sobbed when I showed him my report card,but he ended up bursting in laughter when he did see it. Just to provide some context, I had the highest grade in my strand, possibly, but it wouldn't be recognized because I was going to be disqualified. The same teacher I've complained about multiple times in this blog, gave me a final grade that would prevent me from being part of the honors, even though I had maintained the highest possible grade in every subject. Her score alone brought everything down (though I'm still the highest, even with her nerf, by the way). What's sad is the fact that that all my teachers and classmates would probably be so confused as to why I wouldn't graduate as a valedictorian when I had earned every top score ever, so that made me cry even more. Skylar tried to reassure me, saying it's okay if I don't get recognized. That sometimes, being lowkey is good too. I get that and I'm fine with it, but the fact that I had been putting in an average of 10-hour study sessions daily just to be at the top made it all feel like a waste. I'm not crying because I can't accept this result (At least not until I check it up with her first) but it's so disheartening and demotivating. This is gonna spiral me and I don't like it. I could swear I looked awful in the FaceTime, sniffling and sobbing and it's a huge pitiful sight. He tried to convince me that it must have been an error. To distract myself, I gave him a tour of the yearbook since I had received mine early. The yearbook was kinda bad. In my defense, they barely used the yearbook we designed before because I was part of the yearbook committee back then. Anyway, Skylar managed to make me feel better, and I told him I had to end the call. I had only eaten one meal the entire day, and my tears were literally burning my skin. Well, at least I got a Millennium Falcon from Pandora.
I talked to my parents about it, and they suggested I write an appeal. I followed their advice and wrote the appeal. They told me they'd help and have another professional proofread it. It still hurts a lot. I don't want to say I don't deserve this of all people, but seeing how all my friends were also questioning how this might've happened makes me believe this is just a huge mistake. But then again, I know that particular teacher has this weird hatred for girls since she came from an all boys school. It's a weird complex.
There are people who we might call emotional contagion agents. A Negative Nancy if you will. They bring everyone around them down when they're in a bad mood. I've done a bit of my research on them back then because I used to hate it whenever I become victim to this negative emotional ripple effect. These people usually ends up draining the energy of everyone in their vicinity. While I understand where they might be coming from, and I know that sometimes a little selfishness is necessary to go about this world, that's simply not who I am. Instead of carrying that burden throughout the day, and sharing that baggage with other people, I'lla always choose to let it go. Was I on the verge of tears in the beginning? Possibly. But I made my problem cease to exist temporarily just so I wouldn't affect those around me. There are many things beyond my control. okr cnms qdzc sghr ozqs. g dcjr zyb clmsef rfyr g uyq rfgpb-ufccjgle. g rpgcb kw zcqr rm ecr rfc rum md rfck rm ryji, ctcl rfmsef g amsjb ajcypjw qcc rfyr g uyq rfc npmzjck, ctcl gd lcgrfcp md rfck ybkgrrcb gr. ufw uyq ctcl rfcpc gl rfc dgpqr njyac? gr uyq zcaysqc md rfc aw aypb, y aypb kw dpgclbq sqc zcaysqc md kw emmb qampcq ugrf ctcpw nypclr. zsr g bgbl'r kglb rfyr, zcgle rfc pcyqml; g uylrcb rm qnclb rgkc ugrf kw dpgclb ylb uyraf rfc kmtgc rmm. lmrgacyzjw, fyjduyw rfpmsef, rfcw zmrf qryprcb rm qgli glrm rfgq fmppgzjc kmmb. g ynnpmyafcb cyaf md rfck qcnypyrcjw, spegle rfck rm hsqr ryji rm cyaf mrfcp. g uyq zypcjw fmjbgle kwqcjd rmecrfcp, wcr g amlrglscb rm bm kw zcqr rm jgefrcl rfc kmmb. g bml'r ilmu ufw g zjykcb kwqcjd rfc clrgpc lgefr, zsr g amltglacb kwqcjd rfyr g uyq rfcpc yq yl cvasqc, ylb gd g fybl'r zccl rfcpc, lmlc md gr umsjb fytc fynnclcb. ufyrctcp rfc pcyqml, gr uyql'r kw sqsyj zcfytgmp rm zjykc kwqcjd qm fypqfjw, zsr g dcjr rcppgzjc, cqncagyjjw qglac g uyq yjpcybw zjykgle kwqcjd dmp ylmrfcp npmzjck.
My phone is flooded with a bunch of people asking me for updates. I don't know what to tell them because I really don't know any better either. I woke up late again and after my shower, I grabbed a bunch of my books so I can transfer them to my library and headed straight to the car. I had Dunkins for breakfast which doesn't really make any sense because it's way past lunchtime and donuts aren't really much of what you'd consider as a breakfast meal unless you're living inside of a cartoon show. I had the aux because when my brother isn't around I usually get to have it. I played Taylor the whole way and my parents asked me if I wanted to see Taylor again. I already have tickets for this summer and another summer with her is literally such a dream. Why would they even ask that question? I'd say yes to that in a heartbeat 'til the day I die which means that I'd gain my heartbeat back and resurrect if it meant I could see her again. Hopefully, I can secure myself tickets. When I got to our farm, I played with the dogs and just stayed indoors. I love it there. I organized my bookshelves and made did not read as I had originally intended. Instead, I made my response to Wacky. I slept. I love sleeping there. I had like this massive headache which is no doubt from my lack of sleep. When I returned home, I played the PS5 with my brothers, and towards the end, I did a gameplay of Hogwarts Legacy for them. Oh, and my brother's girlfriend was on FaceTime with him, so it was a pretty chill hangout.
I stayed up until 5 AM again with Brie and Tony. The movie for the night is Step Up 2. Now you're probably wondering, "Why did you skip the first one?". The answer to that is very simple: Moose. Sadly Brie had to go so we had to stop watching the last scene. I - a genius - proposed that we (me and Tony) make our rooms in Legos using the Bricklink Studio 2.0 instead. I mean, we can't end the movie if Brie isn't there, you know? Back to the Studio 2.0, I spent hours on my piano and Tony spent hours on his bookshelves. This Lego room making will soon be continued in another day. I felt like throwing up and had to sleep.
I woke up half past one in the afternoon which was pretty late. Got the news that Smosh is back! That's so awesome. I used to binge watch literally every post they've ever released ever. I'm glad that some things never die out.
I found something I shouldn't have had and consulted Sirko and Skylar about it. There's a lot of things that confuse me. But that's fine since the hardest thing I always need to figure out is myself anyway so nothing that can be worse than that. Brie's so nice. I like how she knows me so much. She appreciates my mind a lot and I love her for that.
Our chick-flick of the night is She's the Man. Here's my thoughts: I wished they made movies like this again. It's actually so good. No wonder it's rated so high. I slept at around 5 AM again. I feel bad for Tony.
Oh I cried today but I don't know when (my blog entry draft confuses me). I can only guess it's probably while talking to either Sirko or Skylar.
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I ran a few errands at the mall and then ate at Pancake House. I bought myself more clay and other sculpting supplies because my baby brother has once again been relentless with yet another request. He wants a Megaptera novaeangliae, which is a species of baleen whale. Since I'm obviously a god and can make anything, I told him okay. When I got home, I made the skeleton frame of the whale. However, I had to put that project on pause again because I had to go out for something else. I got in the car and played my Eminem playlist. I love that dude. I used to be such a stan, and I'm grateful that I memorized a bunch of his lyrics when I was young. I got home again and decided I'd teach my baby brother how to play soccer. I wanted to go to the soccer field and although it wouldn't take that long of a trip, I told my baby brother that we should just visit the dog park instead since it was nearer. We went there and it was closed. So that was disappointing. Since we were already walking around, we decided to take a stroll around the neighborhood. My brother was talking to me the entire time and he had this one inquiry he would just repeat over and over again. The question was that how come ice turns into liquid when you put it in water. I told him it's because the ice absorbs heat from the water which means from the dense molecules, with less kinetic energy, the heat bring kinetic energy breaking the intermolecular bonds holding it in its solid state. The question was actually pretty smart. Good for him for being curious. I had to explain that to him multiple times until we got home. I took my hundredth shower of the day and made myself chocolate shake. I watched Bring it On with Brie and Tony and Cliff is so cool. I liked the movie. I fell asleep at around 5 AM.
I'm sick. Not that sick but still sick. I think I vomitted twice this day. Very concerning. With that, I did not function much and just rested for a while. I updated my blog and slept some more. I am very susceptible to sickness but that's on me because I like over-exhausting myself until my body physically cannot handle it. In my defense, I'm just testing my limits, you know? Despite getting sick easily, the interesting thing is that my body has an incredible immune system that allows me to recover quickly. Give me a single sleep and a shower and I'm pretty much healed. I learned that fact from when I was in kindergarten and I'm still alive. I played the piano for a bit before going into my nightly VCs with Tony, Brie, and Bokuto. I read the the whole God of War 2 script but only the parts with Kratos in it and they told me I did not sound like him. I totally did. Their other friend told me so. Can't convince me otherwise. They bullied a sick girl with the worst cramps ever. So mean.
Happy Father's Day! We went out for an early dinner and kind of just wandered around the mall and the location we were at (I have no idea why I can't just reveal the place I visit because it's getting harder to come up with fake names for them). They did some shopping while I stood there like a bystander. I had forgotten what was on my mind, but I was definitely, once again, brain dead. When we got home, we took a family picture as we usually do for special occasions. Since I'm the only person in the family that my baby brother listens to, I always have to be the one to convince him. I offered him a pass to play with me outside. It was pretty dark, but the street lights were on, so we did some Nerf battles. It felt so nostalgic. When my older brother Luke and I were kids, we used to play outside until the street lights turned on. It was like a ticking time bomb that forced us to go back home, leaving us deprived of fun. We were known as the neighborhood kid you'd encounter everywhere. From toddler age and up, I always had some kind of vehicle, which was most likely by like 90% was a bicycle. I did try those scooters, skates, skatebaords, those weirdly shaped two three wheeled thing ones, and others I don't even remember anymore. I would ride past the most iconic houses that my brother and I had given special labels to. Back to the present time, this one person I do not wish to associate with anymore started crying to her mom about something, and I had to be the one to talk and explain the situation. It wasn't that hard, considering I am a very respectful person. What a sorry excuse for a person.
I read my books and wrote some stuff down. "The Dark Reunion" was horrible to me today.
I had my orthodonsist and dermatologist appointment again. Sometimes I could swear that I live life on auto-pilot. Like I wake up, get dragged somewhere half asleep, go back home, shower for the second or third time, then actually start my day. I slept a lot today too. Like a bunch of naps scattered throughout the day. I'm still making up for for years worth of accumulated lost sleep. My sleep debt is probably greater than the amount of possible chess combinations. Which is more than there are atoms in the observable universe. Okay, that's an exaggeration but you know what I mean. I also watched Horimiya. It was great. Then I invited a friend to watch a movie with me. I took down my insanity (study) wall too because I was procrastinating on something.
Before the mall closed down, we got biscoff because turns out, my entire family is now obsessed with it. I got home and sculpted my baby brother his whale shark that he has been relentlessly requesting. And I mean relentless in the most annoying way possible. I love him so it's okay, I guess. When it got baked, I made my baby brother help me in the painting process. It was cute.
Wacky was drunk texting me and I was flushed the whole time. I wish he meant atleast of of what he said. He called me randomly and told me he loved me which has never been said to me in a genuine way. I really really like this dude and I hope he doesn't get sick of me.
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Gracie finally released Good Riddance (Deluxe). I woke up just in time for it. I got my Xm4s on and injected the whole album (expecialy the 3 previously unreleased ones) into my system. I love her so much. It's almost as if she has access to my brain and can word out all the things that makes me vulnerable. I am the physical embodiment of all of Gracie Abram's songs.
Me and my brother went out to but summer clothes. It's like a thing. We ate out too and that was fun. I'll never admit it but I'll always appreciate all the time I spend with my brother. I've idolized him throughout my whole former years. Not now but I still look up to him in a different way. He's going to college in a month or so and I think it's making me think about our whole situation more. We used to do nothing but figth but we're really almost all we have.
I got home in the evening and played Two People by Gracie Abrams on the piano. It had just released so I had to test my ear and hands coordination or something. I practiced Last Kiss again too. I ended the day still listening to Gracie like how I started it.
I woke up and saw a message from Brie asking if we wanted to go to this other anime convention with her. Who am I to refuse this offer, right? I got my tickets and sorted it out quickly. I don't think I'll be cosplaying for that event since it was spontaneous anyway. The rest of the day I finally got into sculpting. If you've read my blog entry from a couple of weeks ago, I remember mentioning that I bought myself some clay because I needed change. I'm using it now and I'm so grateful for past Cy. I never really used our oven and I couldn't find any instructions on the Smeg website so I had to experiment a bit. Was it scary that I was risking literally burning up my house? Not at all. I somehow had way too much trust in myself. I figured out quickly how to navigate it and started sculpting little charms. I made a star and a fish bone. I baked it and it took me surprisingly longer than usual. I saw somewhere that as long as I have the rigth temperature, I can bake it for much longer and it wouldn't crack the clay. I trusted in that and I now swear by that rule. I ate pizza while waiting and time went by so fast. I was in the kitchen until midnight I believe. My brother came downstairs and we had a late-night kitchen hangout. So iconic. I had instant ramen while playing Last Kiss on the piano and making a cover. Anyway, my brother approached me with a balloon, asking if I knew the sport balloon tapping. It sounded like an absolute lie so I searched it up because technology exists and every knowledge ever can now be in the palm of our hands through our mobile phones, and it was in fact real. Before I knew it, we were playing this balloon tapping game. It went on for quite a while. Then, we decided to have an official match with a best-of-seven format. We were so loud—well, I was laughing so loudly in the most I don't even know way possible that we started hearing our dad's footsteps coming downstairs, and like little children, my brother and I quickly switched to our "act normal" mode. But I have problems containing my laughter. This has been a problem of mine for the longest time. So my resolution was to stuff my mouth full with ramen. This helped with me not making a sound although I did raise my likelihood of choking and possibly dying. I was still visibly shaking despite this. You see, I don't have the ability to control my laughter. I ended the night with going back to the piano and continuing where I last left off. I went back to playing Last Kiss until my voice strained, and so i could finally do Taylor's shaky breath and I can go cry about it.
We had our final grades consultation for the exams, and the results were good. However, it did prove that I am the biggest choker alive—I made a single mistake on all of my written exams. That's insane. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very proud of myself. A bit disappointed, but that feeling comes with any result I get that isn't a perfect grade. I still have the highest grade in my class so that brings me relief.
Teth, who has been on the other side of the world for years, came to visit and surprise his friends. He was my classmate in 6th grade, and he's a really cool dude. I was invited, and since they're really near, I showed up. Tony, Alex, Wacky, and Yuan were there too, and we went to Timezone. At this point, I am in ATC at least thrice a week. We also got biscoff. Teth is now biscoff worthy. We hung out for a bit until I had to leave. Before going home, I grabbed Panda Express because I'm addicted to orange chicken.
Late at night, I FaceTimed Sirko. We were texting before that and I was crying, and she said, "Don't cry." I have no idea how she knew since I didn't even imply it. Anyway, we continued talking and joking around (I swear, it's not in a mean way). We were being weird again, but it's best not to talk about it.
Wacky is so great.
I would've finished watching Yowamushi Pedal yesterday if I hadn't went out but as predicted, I finished in all one go. I am the type of person who starts a show and prioritizes it so much until I finish it and that has been a well known fact for quite a while now. I get so invested in their lives that I just can't help but continue watching. The overall season was a long one. I don't mean it in a duration of the anime long, but in a tediously long to watch way. Like, every 1km or something was a whole episode. I get it, that's the point of the show. But it's unreal that I watched like half a day worth of anime for 25 episodes long. And I'm not complaining. I'm a One Piece fan and it's way worse there. I still love it anyway. Back to Yowamushi Pedal, I prayed Manami would win. I get the Onodo had lost his senior, but so did Manami. He practiced so hard after suffering that loss in the match. He's such a well developed character I wouldn't have minded if he had won instead of the main character.
Skylar gave me a talk and he was so real for that. He helped me on something that has been bugging me for quite a while. Dude at least lightened this weight that was actually making me more concerned each passing second.
I had another late-night call with Wacky. But it ended so I just listened to his Youtube video of him reading the Lorax script.
We visited our farm again. There's a lot of new additional stuff. The roundabout now had a phoenix sculpture which is absolutely awesome. My main agenda was to organize my library and read there. I love this place so much. I have my oil painting stuff there too and it's just pure peace. I played with my baby brother and he captured a poor duck and made it his pet. All our dogs are there and I miss them so much. Our land extends to like quite a distance and I don't think I've fully explored everything yet, but I want to live there. My mom has been planning on buying me an archery set too. The first thing I did when I got there was actually put my phone on the aux. I grabbed a book from my shelves and just read for a while in the lanai area. It's like I was frozen in time. Which is literally my best state of mind. We had to go back home, which was sad, and I just scrolled through my Pinterest the whole way home.
I was texting with Brie and Sirko and it was funny because Brie was catching a flight and up until her very last seconds, she was a hater (in a good way, okay). My conversation with Sirko involved me sending her an edit and it was so funny that I got my karma immediately. Twice too.
Today is Seven's birthday. Isn't that awesome? I love him. A solid chunk of my day was spent analyzing song lyrics. I hyperfixated a bit too much and let time slip past me again. I watched more of Yowamushi Pedal; I'm trying to finish it. My prediction is that I'd be done with this anime tomorrow or whenever I decide to binge it again. I went out with my family for dinner, and I also got myself some Biscoff (for my senses to function this week). I had music blasting in my ears the whole time and now that I'm thinking about it, I really don't think I've ever gotten out without airpods or any form of earphones or headphones on. Sometimes I wish I could just install a speaker system inside my brain.
Today, I discovered that it actually is possible to type on your phone even if you have a band-aid on your thumb. That's so neat.
I had another sleep call with Wacky and he read me bedtime stories. It was very unsuccessful. To be fair, I am easily distracted by a lot of things too. I need to start reading books again.
My eyes were glued to the screen the whole day as I watched Yowamushi Pedal, which pretty much consumed my entire day. I also had my dermatologist appointment somewhere in between. Additionally, I had a Nerf battle with my baby brother, and it was the cutest thing. I taught him the things my older brother and other cousins used to do whenever we'd get guns. Sigh, it's frustrating that family problems came in the way of the relationship between the only cousins that my brother and I actually like. Anyway, I didn't stop watching my anime until 3 AM. I don''t remember much from this anymore.
I wacthed Love, Rosie with Brie and it was honestly terrible. I would so throw rotten tomatoes at it. Where was the romance and comedy? Me and Brie had to watch it in x2 speed. I downloaded iOS 17 on beta and it's so awesome. I also started watching the new season of Yowamushi Pedal. I miss my anime schedule. I don't know half of the characters anymore, but it's 25 episodes long so I'm just gonna count on the flashbacks that every anime ever overuses. Can' blame them, though. Animators don't get paid enough for this.
I asked Wacky to by my podcast as I tried to sleep because I got too lazy tapping through his VMs. I love listening to his voice and his stories. It's like killing two birds with one stone. Eventually, he ended up being the one to fall asleep. Still on the sleep call with Wacky, I called Tony and we just chatted for a bit. I really need to start sleeping early again.
The first thing I did in the morning was help my baby brother do his homework (Well, I showered and did my morning routine first of course). It was very exhausting. I had to constantly try my best to get his attention so he'd learn properly. I made our study sessions interactive, which inevitably prolonged their duration by approximately threefold. However, I don't mind. I fell asleep immediately after that.
Waiting Room is back on Spotify. I looped it the whole day.
I updated my blog while eating pizza and did some few modifications on stuff.
I hung out with my brothers and we played the PS5. We played Override which is a brawler game but with robots. It was cool. I quickly got used to the combos and I really enjoyed it. We did the Rivals of Aether too except we were only using mods. I know there's this little thing around it where forums talk about how the game is only alive because of the community. Personally, if I were the creator, I wouldn't mind at all. As long as people play my game. The game is practically a clone of Super Smash Flash Bros. I miss that game. Me and my older brother used to play that game every single day. We did a couple of Lego games that made us feel dumb too. We did Lego Star Wars then Lego Batman. There was this part wherein I played Flash and my brother had Reverse Flash. We were having this race and I was crying my eyes out from laughing because we both couldn't even finish the map because we kept on messing up from being too competetive. Our baby brother was just watching us laughing too.
Sirko's flight. I'll see her again, it's okay. It's quite the distance but I can always think of it as nothing but a transitory interlude for much more greater things we'd share in the future. It's not like I plan on ever stopping my connection with her. It'll work. Trust. I invited Tony to play CS with me but I ended up just takling with him for the entire day. We are actually the same person. Same brain cells. We played Roblox too. This day was honestly an ephemeral blip. I don't remember anything and my draft entries are blank. It had a few key and scattered one word thoughts but even that still failed to turn the gears in my hippocampus.
I was on a call with Wacky for the rest of the night.
The sky was crying with us; it was totally setting the mood. Today's the last day I'm seeing Sirko. She's going to be packing, and I'll be there just to stare at her and maybe help her. I woke up pretty late because I had stayed up late the previous night. I ate from Burger King and received some very interesting news from Sirko. She had her first kiss. Which, should I even be writing about this? I will anyway because she's my bestest friend, and every huge event for her is a huge event for me too. I was speedrunning my burger that I literally spilled it on myself. I went to her house almost immediately after that. On my car ride there, I was already tearing up. I couldn't even sing because I could feel my throat tightening up, and I knew well that it would just crack. We met up and just talked about the most random stuff. She was stalling because she didn't want to tell her boy story, even though she wanted to share it. It was confusing. Some other main topics we had were the leftovers, us being guys (oh, oh, where's my dick at?), her scrunchie revenge plan, how to fit all her stuff in her suitcase, L, meow meow, and honestly, a lot more. Speaking of the suitcase, when we were trying our best to close it, we had to do this thing where we were sitting and jumping on it. My small brain decided to go on top of and jump out of it, which was pretty stupid, and that led to me accidentally falling on a Lego that was shaped like a crown. I bled. It was funny. I brought along the glass beads we bought yesterday and made her an anklet that would match the bracelet I was wearing too. She finally told me her story. It was insane, but I won't tell it here. Her sister's kind-of-boyfriend got food for both of us. Thank you for that. Sirko gave me like two of her books, and she wrote something inside them. She gave me other stuff too, which made me even sadder because I never was the sentimental type. She was. But I think I'll hold onto those things she gave me forever. We just had fun, despite her being panicked because she still had a ton to pack. I received a text from my mom saying she'd pick me up, and that's when I burst out in tears. I was sobbing and everything. I wanted all my friends to say goodbye to her too, so I started calling them. Only Ria answered; Brie was in the shower but called back immediately after; Tony said I hung up too quickly; Skylar didn't get the ring, and the others were just dead. I'll never have another friend like Sirko ever again. We're still gonna be friends, but it's just different. I cried so much last minute when the whole time none of us had the time to cry. I somehow felt relieved that I cried before I left. It really means that I cared about her that much. And I do. I don't know how to explain it but I'm glad I cried.
I cried some more even when I got home. I called Brie and Tony, and they just listened to me cry. After a while, I called Skylar, and he actually cheered me up. I stopped crying, and that was good. I think it was because he was making jokes. Whatever it was, thank you for the comfort. Such a real one. I went back to the call with Tony and the others. Around 5 AM, he woke me up since it was time for Sirko's flight. I still have no idea why I woke up that easily. Maybe I'm just a light sleeper. I told Sirko to have a safe flight and cried some more. Then Tony told me he heard me say this name in my sleep and started teasing me. I fell asleep soon after.
Sirko's departure is inevitable, and we have all fully accepted it. We arranged this little hangout to bid her the best and most memorable farewell in the history of farewells ever. Me, Sirko, Ria, Brie, and Mari—all of us were finally together for the first and last time, and it was perfect. Today has been a really long day, but I need to share how everyone contributed to making this work. Each of our stories was just insane. Allow me to explain.
Mari went the extra mile by traveling all the way from another island just to join us. I offered rides to everyone because, in order to make this work, we had to be where Ria was (which is kind of far) since she has the strictest parents ever. So, the story unfolded like this: I picked up Sirko from her house, and I swear I saw her smiling to herself when she saw my car. It was such a wholesome moment. Next, I picked up Mari, and it was highly anticipated since we hadn't seen her for three whole years. Just as we were getting ready to go, we received a text from Ria, who almost couldn't come due to a small problem. See, she hadn't told her parents about meeting up with us, so she was just sneaking out, but not entirely. Fortunately, she came up with a genius plan, and both Brie and I offered our help. With that, the problem was resolved. During the car ride, we discovered that Mari hadn't informed her parents either. In fact, she wasn't allowed to go out at all. Her mom had called her a few times, but she simply let it ring. Then, out of nowhere, Mari suddenly exclaimed, and I quote, "I'm in my room right now." She answered the call, and it was so comical. It was raining lies. She casually spoke to her mom while pretending to be in her room, and at one point, we arrived at our destination, and there was a loud car honk. She quickly incorporated it into the conversation, saying, "Mom, it's kinda noisy downstairs, so I'll wear my headphones." Somehow, she managed to get away with it. Sirko and I were freaking out but couldn't help but burst into uncontrollable laughter at the same time. Oh I forgot to mention that we were listening to my Sirko playlist the whole car ride.
We first met up with Brie in Starbucks, and now we were just waiting for Ria. We roamed the place around and were already having the best of times. Ria finally arrived, and we decided to eat at this Japanese food hall. Obviously, we had fun during that too. I gave Sirko a lock of my hair because she's weird like that and wants to clone me. We signed this receipt since Sirko's known for being extremely sentimental and keeping every receipt ever. It's the cutest. We caught Mari up with all she's missed. She's very low maintenance. We talk to her like once in a blue moon, but we still love her. We went to different shops. We didn't have any strict itinerary and kind of just let our feet take us wherever. What matters was that we were all finally here. We stopped by Muji, and Sirko and I just went to Marks and Spencers to buy this set of biscuits I really, really like. I fed it to everyone the whole time succeeding my purchase. We went to the arcade with the intention to do karaoke, but it was full. We looked for this photobooth next and sadly had to say bye to Ria. Sirko and Ria gave their last hugs. We looked around some more, then we rested at this coffee place. I bought beads from this bookstore directly above it. The only problem was that we didn't have scissors, so I really struggled. We ended up making Sirko this one bracelet that we all beaded together. It was so funny because each bead signified an event in her life, and Sirko kept on making jokes. The bracelet had these blue sections in the middle of different colors, which represented me because I love blue, even though my favorite color is purple. We finished it, and I swear everything was just so funny. Mari had to go, and since I was her (and Sirko's) ride, we said goodbye to Brie. Brie gave her last hug to Sirko too. I think I fell asleep in the car for a bit. My Sirko playlist still played. It was sad. I dropped Mari off, and they gave their final goodbyes too. I was just laughing because I knew I'd still see her tomorrow. I need to brace myself for the impact.
I got home and cried over call with Tony and Brie again. We talked about this friend of ours who isn't worthy of Biscoff that when she felt FOMO and invited us, it was out of stock. If you're reading this, and I know you aren't because you don't even care, we still love you; just not the person you've become. It's just that everybody tried so hard just to be there and you chose to give every excuse in the book and openly lied to us not knowing we all knew. Tony even made the L joke and props to him because it's genius. I made Brie a bracelet that same night while we continued talking and all that.
I'll put this here too because it's so cute but Tony told me that if he ever needed a distraction, he'd just call me because I'm very talkative in the best way possible. Anyway, we watched the Apple WWDC23 and I love Craig.
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I have my college entrance exam today, which is going to last for 5 hours. It's scheduled for noon so I have a bit of time. I woke up early and did some studying before heading to the venue. I have test anxiety so I went extra early. On the way, I stopped by Starbucks and felt nauseous in the car. It wasn't that I expected the test to be difficult, I think I was just over-studied. I needed caffeine. I got a venti one. Keep that in mind because it's gonna come around in the story again. While waiting in the room, I felt sick to my stomach and exchanged texts with a few friends who wished me the best of luck. Their messages were so wholesome. I want to particularly mention the small pep talk Skylar gave me, which actually boosted my spirits. Getting back to the test itself, we were given no breaks, and it involved continuously answering questions for half the day. We were allowed to bring food, but hardly anyone touched their snacks because they were focused on catching on the time pressure. Being the biggest nerd ever, I had some spare time to eat and drink. Drink a ton of said venti caffeine. We weren't allowed to use the bathroom. This led to me having to hold my pee in for 2 hours or so. The moment the test ended, my mind went blank. We had to wait for an hour more and I swear when they let us out, I immediately headed to the car. Soon enough, I found the nearest Starbucks and got to use their bathroom. When I could finally breathe, I thoguth about the test. I realized it was actually relatively easy. I did guess on some questions but I didn't struggle. Out of boredom, I glanced at my seatmate's paper, only to find it completely empty, which made me feel a bit sorry for them. Let me clarify that I was simply peeking out of curiosity; I'm too prideful of my own answers to cheat. I should mention that I completely zoned out toward the end of the test, and they had to call my attention. I'm not extremely confident about my chances of getting accepted, but I believe I did exceptionally well, particularly in English proficiency and reading comprehension. I mean, I had 10 minutes left, when the stories I heard from my friend's experience in taking the same test was it was impossible to finish. To be fair, I read a huge amount of books every year and practice speed reading.
To keep my mind off this huge test I had just taken for 5 hours straight, Sine and I decided to go out and watch a late-night showing of The Little Mermaid in the cinema. I went home first to take a quick shower (everybody knows my obsession with showers) and changed my outfit so it could match the movie). I love going on theme whenever I watch literally anything. It's so fun. I met up with Sine since we live near each other and our local mall is literally the best and prettiest thing ever. Sine took the same test I did but in a different location, so we talked about it and we actually had such a similar experience. While waiting for the movie to start, I bought like polymer clay because I didn't have spare change and I wanted to buy food. I haven't eaten anything the whole day. I swear I'm not starving myself. I really just don't have time. The movie was so good.
When I got home, Sirko FaceTimed me and she was bawling her eyes out. It was a drunk call and it sucked because she talked about Lane not wanting to see her and well, a guy who was love bombing her. After that, I got in a call with Tony and Brie again.
Today is a day for studying. The goal is to cram all the school material from 12 years into one night (even though I'm still in 11th grade). My current theory is that I am smart enough to manage. I know it's gonna be hard but I have so much trust in myself. I had a dermatologist appointment earlier in the day, which gave me a chance to rest before starting a study session that would last definitely more than 10 hours. As the day went on, I covered my door frame with my notes, which I love doing whenever I get the chance. It displayed my state of mind; my insanity. It feels satisfying to see everything posted up there. I studied all day, and I feel my post-study fever creeping up on me. I took a break after the day was over and had some late-night cereal. During the said break, I hung out with Tony, and we came up with a new handshake. The concept of "The Bridge" was also invented.
It's my baby brother's 5th birthday. Before I get into that, I should mention that my Duolingo streaks were lost on this very day. I had been maintaining them for over 600 days (though it shows as 500 due to frequent streak freeze usage). However, there's no need to worry because all I had to do was buy a streak repair, and my problem was instantly fixed. Now, back to my baby brother. As I have mentioned in previous entries, he has developed this obsession with DC and Marvel. Whenever it's his birthday week, we have a tradition of giving him multiple presents each day. Naturally, I also got him a gift. His cake this year was awesome it's by far my favorite. My mom has this thing with customized cakes and this year my baby brother received two of them. One had Venom, and the other had Super Mario. The cakes were accompanied by cupcakes that matched their themes. After spending some time playing with him, I retreated to my hermit cave to study, or at least, I attempted to. During my usual power nap, instead of waking up when my alarm went off, I made the choice of snoozing it every time. I know, it's terrible. I'm usually very disciplined when I have exams. But see, for some reason, I didn't feel as restricted this time. My intuition was telling me I could still do well and it acted as if there were no consequences for not studying. Don't get me wrong, I still eventually regained my momentum and managed to cover a lot during my study session. Throughout the day, I stayed in a silent VC with Brie and Tony. Near the end, I started feeling sick. Not in a health-related way, but in a something was disturbing the force and I was bothered by something I can't quite pinpoint. There was one particular thing on my mind, but it couldn't possibly be that... right?
Around like an ungodly time, I was still in call with Tony and I think Brie was deafened still studying. We got into this rabbit hole of childhood nostalgia. It all started when I showed his this video I really loved because of the comment section. It's the Sweden by C418 one. We told our minecraft stories and that was fun. Until 4 AM came and he started stalking my old twitter. Past Cy is something I bury, alright...
Yesterday, I briefly mentioned my FaceTime call with Sirko. But I failed to include the important detail of us being in a state of temporary insanity. It's a moment we agreed to never speak of ever again, like that one swimming hangout we had... Despite having little to no sleep, I still had to wake up early. Surprisingly, I managed to stay awake until 5 AM and somehow found the energy to get up at 8 AM. This is given under the conditions that I'd take a bunch of naps throughout the whole day, of course. The first item on my schedule was my brother's graduation. During the ceremony, I ended up sleeping for almost the entire duration, only waking up when it was my brother's turn to go up on stage. Interestingly, the valedictorian's speech resonated with me, even though I wasn't his intended target audience. It somehow managed to clarify and complicate my college decisions all at once.
I'm proud of my brother. Once I returned home, I decided to catch up on some more sleep. An hour after, I received what I thought was a study invitation from my friends. Since they lived nearby, I spontaneously accepted the invitation and went over to their house. Just to add on, Brie also invited me to study with her through VC but that's for later. Continuing on, I got lost on the way there despite having visited their house for over a gazillion times. I think I'm just bad at directions when they actually matter. I say that because I'm really really good at navigating my way in other countries that you could drop me off anywhere and I'd survive. I also almost got run over because my brain was too slow at processing which of the street I should stay on. Which, in the first place, why was I on the road? When I arrived there, I quickly found out that they actually had no plans of studying so I just went with it. I'm smart anyway. We went out and bought food and coffee. We did some karaoke because band practice was not doable. The keyboard was apparently placed somewhere else. I had lots of fun. They fed me well with the foods my mom restricts me from eating. I got picked up and went to the graduation dinner they're having for my brother. We had Japanese.
Still ending this day with Brie and Tony on VC. Brie got me this surprise thing she couldn't contain and showed me. It was Star Wars. Oh my god I love her so much. It's just so epic and awesome and cool and adorable and wholesome that she thought of me when she saw something Star Wars. Tony was sick and did a live swab test while I was rapping Eminem. He also showed me this thing and I think I died for a little bit.
I had a dream. I was playing with my childhood Sylvanian Families Dollhouse. I always thought I'd never grow out of it, but I regrettably did eventually. I texted my mom saying I'll look for it in our other house and put it on my library for display, so it can be this little nostalgic thing I can look at. Something about seeing toys that were a huge part of my childhood is comforting.
I transferred a few blog entries while listening to Madeline Argy. She's so real. I had my orthodontist appointment, then went to the mall to buy my baby brother a gift. He's been really obsessed with DC and Marvel. He's so like me. I found out that my dad wasn't coming to my brother's graduation, so I insisted I come instead. It was actually such a coincidence because I think they were only allowing two slots for the guest seats per student. I'd never admit it, but my brother played such a huge influence in my school life. It sucks that he has to go to college now.
When I got home, I started studying. I studied with my hamster child in his little chair, while Bear the III watched over me. I had mini cooking videos, James Scholz, and my stopwatch playing in the background. I didn't study as much. I'll just take it as a preliminary for tomorrow when I start to actually burn myself out. My brother and I haven't had a late-night talk in a while. I mean, we still do occasionally, but back then it was an everyday thing. We would sit down in the usual kitchen and have meaningful conversations. I miss this. Lately, playing Starbound has been our only main activity together. I ended the day with a Facetime call with Sirko, and I did a GURWM.
Not my busiest day ever. I gave Bear the III a bath. I was supposed to do it yesterday, but I was too tired (even though i still somehow ended up staying up late). Anyway, I made sure to give him a proper cleaning. I've always had this weird relationship with cleanliness even as a kid. Don't get me wrong, my room is very messy with the mounds of paper pile I have on my floor from studying. But messy is different from clean. Everything is obsessively clean in my room. Back to the bear bath, it was really cute, and I even blow-dried his fur to make it all nice and fluffy. I should relearn crocheting so I can make him a little tee. That would be such an awesome project because boredom will kill me soon. That or if I don't keep myself busy this summer my thought will consume me into insanity.
I've been helping my baby brother with his schoolwork. He has his own tutor through Zoom, but he gets easily distracted and doesn't pay attention. So, I've been giving my extra hours to make sure he understands his lessons and completes his homework. Today's session was especially tiring because he was so unfocused. I had to keep bringing him back to the tasks he missed. I took a big nap after. So tiring.
I never had the biggest preference for cakes or cupcakes. I always thought they were too sweet. Muffins, however, are the definition of perfection. If I were Goldilocks, I'd be attracted to muffins. Not too sweet or lacking, muffins are just right.
Still in the same VC, we were listening to sad songs and I think I screamed for more or less 4 hours straight. Send help.
Today was our last day of school, and honestly, I didn't feel like attending at all. But since it was required, I had no choice. To make things even more complicated, it was Sine's 18th birthday, but we had to prioritize school over celebrations. To balance this out, we made a bunch of letters so we could ask for permission to leave the campus. Her plan was to have lunch together with her closest friends. While I was waiting in the car, Sine and another friend shortly followed after and told me that there was this guy looking for me. Too bad because I left early. Atleast I got an almost confession before school ended. Which means I remain relevant. Apparently my friend turned him down for me. The dude is actually my Rhett's bandmate. Insane. The last kind-of-interaction I had with him was when we were in this one concert and I think he was in front of me and all I did was scream. Totally unflattering. I really couldn't care less because I already like another person so good my friend told him off. Back to the main plot, we were 6 in total and I asked my driver to take us to High Street. During the car ride, I had the aux, so obviously non-stop Taylor Swift songs were played. We arrived and decided to eat at a Chinese restaurant. While we were there, all I could think about was when me and Sirko last went here and she was telling me that if I were a food, I would taste like xiao long bao. We had lots of fun and it was very epic. One of my friends and I finally made plans to start a band next year. It's a must-need highschool experience. After lunch, we headed to Muji, but my friend and I got separated. We started goofing around, making commercials and completely lost track of where everybody else went. It was like we were two lost kids while everyone else was searching for us. I couldn't stop laughing. We then went to Hamleys because I always go to the toy store. I don't think I'll ever mature from toys. Which says a lot. I bought a bear for Sam and myself. She loves matching stuff with me. It's cute. She also has gained an interest to bears. Like an obsession. I've always loved bears. We looked for a photo booth to take pictures.It was adorable. By then, we wanted to go to a cafe, but we didn't want to go to the regular ones we usually visit. So we walked quite a bit until we found a cafe that caught our attention. We played a bunch of games. We also did a bit of shopping. Eventually, the sun began to set, we left and decided to grab some Krispy Kreme donuts before parting ways. We sat at the park, enjoying our treats while we waited for our rides.
I got home and since I don't get tired like ever, I played Got It with Tony. We actually share the same brain cell. We were so good. The topics ranged from Star Wars, Marvel, DC, video games, cartoons, inside jokes, and I swear we were getting everything in the first 1-2 rounds of every game. We are like the same person living the same lives.
I woke up extremely early because it was my last day at the review center I've been going to. But Everybody forgot about it and my parents told me not to bother going. So, I stayed home instead. I think I have a shopping problem. My brother has the it too but he spends on in-game purchases, so it's not as noticeable. Anyway, back to my recent purchases—I bought another Pandora necklace. It had a Star Wars theme, so how could I resist, right? What's worse is that my parents aren't helping either because they actually encourage it. It's okay, I'll just ease myself with the thought of this being their form of compensation for me acing everything in school. Continuing on, I also ordered another charm, this time an R2D2 one. And I took a few charms to get cleaned too. I bought a Lego set for my friend who's turning 18 tomorrow. She's been dropping hints which... Yeah.
Then I cried myself to sleep. With the same people I"m always with in call.
I woke up and decided today was the day I cry over Taylor's new CD exclusive track on Midnights (From the Vault), You're Losing Me.
My friend texted telling me she had tea. Why do the guys in my classroom like ranking us? It's so stupid. They don't even stand a chance on the people they've decided to rank low. I know because they're literally so pretty. I had the top score (still a 7.5) but that just makes me wonder like what goes on in their mind more. It's not even an ego boost because they're ugly anyway.
I had my dermatologist appointment which is the same one I've been going to since I was in 7th grade. My parents have this weird thing of putting me in every medical maintenance ever. I'm not complaining though. I played Starbound for almost the whole day and suffered all my stupid decisions (in-game). For a few hours, I was sucked into the solace of music once again. Time completely flew past me before I could even catch it. The main song I was learning on the piano and guitar was, of course, You're Losing Me. I had to make stuff up because it's unreleased and it's only a few hours new so I had no resources at all. I ended the day playing more of Starbound and Brie crying over call.
Our friend group, the book club, have had this plan to hangout for quite a while. Today was the day we finally push through with it. Although we still weren't complete, it was the closest we could get. I arrived early and met up with Brie after waiting for a short while. Lane informed us that she would be running late, so we decided to just mindlessly roam the mall. We looked at every toy imaginable and were fascinated by literally anything. I was so easily distracted by everything, like I was the most curious fish in Finding Nemo or something. It was as if I was a cat chasing after a laser pointer. I visited Pandora again it's a strange addiction... I bought an R2-D2 charm, but it will take some time to arrive. I had to pre-order it from another place. We also went to the bookstore and judged every book we came across. We ran into a few people I knew. When Lane finally arrived, we headed straight to the dog cafe. Unfortunately, luck wasn't on our side as the biscoff drink I always talk about was out of stock. Sirko followed up. I ate some hot wings and ended up crying. Sirko had to get me tissue because I was actually in pain. Sirko and I forced our friends to listen to Taylor Swift's new deluxe album called "Til the Dawn Midnights." It hit different. I couldn't believe that our group was semi-complete again.
Crocs. Sorry.
We also had an event at school that was supposed to be a family day, but no families showed up. Not even many students attended. I go to a university so it was quite the surprise. I went there straight after with Sirko after the book club hangout. The event turned out to be a huge flop. The only reason I went was because a friend of mine has a band, and I had been ditching their gigs, so I felt obligated to attend. Not really obligated, I just owed him a big one. This is the same friend whose concert I went to and mentioned in one of my earlier entries. They've gained quite a reputation now, so they were scheduled to perform last. It's the school's strategic but desperate attempt of keeping people around. While waiting for the only band we came for, we decided to go ghost haunting with Sirko's other friend group. Sirko accidentally spilled her large drink with no cap on me after we got this scare. Everything else at the event was boring. Literally empty school. Just when the time was nearing for the band I came for to perform, my mom called me and said I had to get home early. Sirko and I were stressing because there was only a few minutes left and the band still hadn't started playing. Somehow, I managed to convince my mom to let me stay for a little longer just to watch the one thing I came for.
I am extremely tired.
Was forced to go to school again. I went with just my phone and airpods in my pocket. I can't keep on getting away with this. I taught Sine and another friend of ours how to play a few Taylor Swift songs on the piano. Our classroom has turned into a music room at this point. I played Bloxburg on Roblox with my other friend too. He was flexing his really awesome mansion. I love how all the rooms were completely empty and he jusst prioritized the theater room. See, that's funny because he's known for literally having watched everything on Netflix. A few boring minutes of zoning out after, Another friend of mine asked me to go down with her to just buy food. We did. We haven't talked in a while so it was quite a wholesome moment. The rest of the day was spent with me sleeping on the floor again. This time, my classmates have provided me with pillows and a blanket. If they did this everyday, I'd definitely attend school more often. I also hung out with Brie today. On our way home, I gave her a ride to like the mall. Tony sent a picture of his orange chicken and so I got that from Panda Express too.
I got more late night life advice from Brie and Tony. Brie's so sweet omg.
I've been meaning to code a website for my friend, and conveniently, it's her birthday. What better motivation than an actual deadline for myself? It's been long overdue, but she truly deserves a blog. I only have a few hours left until the clock strikes midnight since she's in NYC right now, but I think I can make it just in time. Check out the website. It's still a work in progress because I need to run her through it and ask her for hyperlinks and whatever pages she might want to add. Then, I'll compile it and give it to her so she can have her own account.
Lately, my body has been going into this pre-hibernation mode, and whenever I get the chance, I fall into a deep sleep. It's like I'm catching up on all the sleep I've missed. On different note, my baby brother is so smart. He's been borrowing my PS4, and all he has played for quite a while is Injustice. And get this, he's only 4 years old. About to be 5 soon. I can already see him spiraling into a DC obsession. Good for him. The whole day, I was just taking quick naps. I also helped a few friends with their math research. That's pretty much it.
I was on a sleep call with the same friends I usually talk to, and around 4 AM, I heard a very familiar voice and started talking. I could've sworn all I said was complete nonsense, but I remember having a full conversation until I passed out again mid-talk. I still have classes, but all my requirements are completed, so I didn't bother attending. When my day actually started, I went to the doctor again because I am sick. I've been sick since forever. This has lasted from January until now. I just want to get this over with. I'm tired of taking so many pills. I hate that they're always injecting stuff that you can literally see the small scars and incisions on my arms.
My psychological reactance has wired my brain to be the pettiest human being ever.
I played the piano when I got home, slept, and then went out again. I had pepper lunch with my brother. Before the food came, I received a call from my classmates. I had to excuse myself for a bit. Apparently, there was a problem in our research group. I told them to just delete the entire project. I love how I have control over the whole class. You see, if I deleted it, there would be a cascading domino effect, and all of us would fail. Except me, because I'm the only one who understood the task. I genuinely love helping people. The only thing that really gets on my nerves is when others are mean to my friends. It's always so unwarranted. My teacher, who loves me, joined the FaceTime call, and it was funny because I haven't been going to school, so she asked me to give her a 360 view of where I was. My excuse was that I had a doctor's appointment, which I did, but I was near the cinemas, so all they saw were the movie posters and the ticket and popcorn booths. I don't know how my presence helps them find peace in class, but all I do is sleep, so it makes absolutely no sense.
I woke up in a state of extreme confusion. I had no plans to attend school, but I was forced against my will again. I arrived super late with no ID, no bag, no uniform, no sleep, no bitches, and literally nothing. I still got in. I think it's because the school security personnel just knew me. Why do I even bother going to school? All I did was take a three-hour nap on the floor with the jackets they offered on top of me. Lunch came, and everyone took their jackets back. I was freezing, so I was forced to get up and do actual activities. I resorted to playing the electric guitar at the back of the classroom. I am in under excruciating pain because of the Dark Reunion. Sigh. I broke down crying again in front of Sirko. I cried because I haven't talked to her in a while and I missed her so much. I finished my math research so I could finally gain my well deserved freedom. We still need to proofread and polish it up a bit so I'm semi-free now. I still find it weird that people come up to me and ask if I can speak my literal native language. That's like asking a cat if it could meow.
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My schedule is always full. But somehow, I always manage to double plan on Sundays. I mean, I have my usual review center which is already tiring by itself. Isn't it cool how I can exhaust my brain then go straight to like a full day in the amusement park with my friends? The review center was plain boring I was so sleepy. Math was surprisingly easy. Yesterday, I mentioned that I made Ria a very professional permission letter. She's known for having the strictest parents ever. She's almost never allowed to go out. I managed to convice her parent to let her out to somewhere that's 2 hours away from her home. She's not even allowed (most times) to go to the mall literally a 5 minute walk away from our school. I'm insane. When we got to the said amusement park, our entire body literally melted. We were like in a big big oven. Weather was so uncool. Spoiler alert, it rained so heavily later too. We were an hour or two late to our meet up time. In our defense, we lived like far. When we met up with our friends, we immediately went to every ride ever. We got express tickets so going through a bunch of rides was very achievable. I had lots of fun. My friends are awesome (lil bros). To summarize things, I remember Bokuto dying and giving up after a couple of rides. Tony was being funny but he was super nice. I love Brie. Ria was a lost child disappearing everytime we looked away (even for a second). Wacky was ignoring me. I don't want to write every detail of the day because that would be too much. I held hands with a boy for the first time. Isn't that so cute. Writing that is so cute. I swear little me would've wanted to see that in one of her diary entries. Except I never really kept a diary for as more than 10 pages. I had a car ride with Ria going home (because I had to drop her off) and we got Panda Express. When I got home, since I was like soaking wet from the rides and the rain, I took a pre-shower, slept, ate, then showered again.
Sleep. I deserve sleep. I haven't rested in so long. I slept a lot this morning. I did my post-finals cleaning because trust me, my room after finals could literally be compared to a law firm's file room. I also got my nails done because I don't want to be reminded of my finals self. If that makes any sense. I am a girl in a mall. Imagine the rest. Wacky finished watching Star Wars. Isn't he so perfect? I pray he's not reading this and is just calling a bluff when he says he does. On that same Star Wars note, Tony and I made a pact to buy retractable lightsabers and engage in a duel each time we see each other in the school hallways. So awesome. It could work because the lightsabers are going to be portable. We will keep score on who can catch the other off guard more. So epic. Everybody started getting into Star Wars again, and I've never been prouder. My brother introduced me to this game uncannily similar to Terraria. It's called Starbound and it's so fun. I spent a while on the character customization like I always do. I named myself Phthalein. It;s a purple dye beacuse I'm a purple Novakid. It's a very solid game. I watched Star Wars just for the fun of rewatches. I made Ria a permission letter. I love making documents. I'm actually so good at it. Before the day ended, I played some more Starbound with my brother and his girlfriend. They created a group and we just called there. It was, in a nutshell, basically just my brother babysitting us.
I think I did well in all my tests. They were all so easy. Finals have finally concluded, signifying my acquisition of temporary freedom. I say temporary, as I still have college entrance exams right around the corner. Ria and I decided to go get biscoff, which is actually a real post-exam tradition now. We bumped into her little sister at the mall, who loves me so much that she clung to me for like the longest time and refused to let go. Backstory, some time ago, I made a promise to teach her how to draw. So I did. When it was time for me to go, or at least so me and Ria could hang alone, she didn't want to leave my side. Even when Ria kindly offered her iPad for a week, which she declined it. That's a big deal because her sister's an iPad kid. We went to the grocery store after and purchased cat food for Ria's feline companion (a cat, I just like using the word feline). We also got Brie and her little sister sour candy because they asked for it. At the dog cafe, Ria's sister entertained me with a bunch of 3rd-grade gossip. Ria also had her own set of tea to tell. Sadly, I had nothing to contribute, but that's perfectly fine. It's actually a good thing. Brie joined us at the cafe and we talked more for a bit. After Ria left, Brie and I wandered around the mall for a while. She went to like the raincoats section and it was so funny I was on the floor laughing. It was the perfect opportunity to crack a gazillion jokes. We ended up going to the bookstore before leaving. We had a very serious conversation. I am now privy to information I ought not to have known. I went to like yet another deep slumber the moment I got home. I called with Skylar and maybe I'll tone it down. I think his pep talk just saved me.
The actual test is scheduled to start later than our usual time, giving us some extra study time. We headed to our usual spot in the library where we typically stay during exams. Since I felt confident in my preparation, I briefly reviewed my notes and glanced through my study materials. I decided not to bother with additional math practice questions. The time came to take the tests, and I'd say all of them went better than I had originally anticipated. But then again, I have test anxiety, so I usually just expect the worst.
I think I aced the math test. I finished it within the first 10-15 minutes, leaving me with an hour and a half to spare. During the test, I noticed an error and told the proctor. I pointed out that they had provided incorrect random variables and the whole table too. I explained the proper way to solve the question and they had to consult the teacher who designed the test. This caused some ruckus, resulting in a semi-noisy room. Taking advantage of the situation, I helped my friends with their tests. The person beside me was so lucky. As for my friend from the other side, she had almost answered all the questions incorrectly. I think she forgot like a crucial step. Good thing I caught it because that would've been horrible. I feel bad for the teacher because I've been bugging him since like every test ever. It's not my fault all of them had errors. At least I know the subjects well enough that I can spot mistakes, you know? I did well in the other tests too. History was definitely a hundred or maybe a single mistake. This is why I study so much. It's the only thing that gives me the reward I deserve each effort I exert. Before I left the campus, I searched for a four leaf clover. I was unsuccessful. Would've been fun if I did find one.
I asked Sine for a spontaneous cafe study session. It's become such a tradition for us to study science in this one particular cafe. Science contained such a long coverage. It's going to be my first time studying all the lessons. I'm not revising at all. It's going to be all new learning. In my defense, our teacher is quite literally gone in every meeting we have with him. We discussed the topics and I think I've got a pretty clear understanding of it. I didn't memorize anything which was insane but somehow I still had confidence in getting a decent grade. By decent I mean high.
I got home and studied some more. Around midnight, I got in a call with Tony, Brie, and Skylar. I continued studying. Near the end of this said studying, they gave me a pep talk. Time was geuinely spent on them just telling me how stupid I am. It was actually funny. I'd say it was even a refresher. The topic was lowkey stressful because I was lost and all I had in mind for the past week was just my studies. Nonetheless, I still love them with all my heart. I also taught Skylar the entirety of science (twice) which gave me such an ego boost. How do I already like know know a bunch of topics I had just learned? I studied for my other test incredibly last minute. I'm hoping I could maybe memorize the rest of it tomorrow before the test starts.
I met with the sun early today. Today's going to be a long day. I'm going to be in pure autopilot. The first thing I did after showering and going through my morning routine was finish my summary notes. I physically cannot study without them. I'd get so lost. My system has worked so well without any failures. After that, I cried over my books, which I know is completely random, but just don't question it. I feel very overwhelmed. You'd think it's because finals are literally tomorrow, but you're wrong. I actually think all the subjects we have are relatively easy. I took a power nap and finally started my focused studying. Surprisingly, that was the only nap I took the whole day. Usually I'd take like more than 10 of those 5 minute duration naps spread throughtout the sessions but I didn't. My teachers are doing that weird thing where they add a gazillion new lessons again. I updated my summary notes and went back to memorizing everything cover to cover. I needed caffeine and so I ordered from Starbucks and took like the quickest break. I studied more. Tutored a few people through messages in a few facetimes. I ended up filling my whole door with papers (that are back to back) and it's just such a cool visual. I taught Ria and Brie math beacuse apparently their teachers just didn't. I'd say I did well. The whole day I had my James Scholz and stopwatch set up. I was also streaming it on Discord for my friends because I didn't want to be lonely. My total studying time reached 14:01:13:03. 14 hours worth of pure studying. I pause when I take breaks so that's really a big chunk of my day. Not that studying excessively is anything new for me, but today's time is definitely a new record.
On my way to school, the thought of Sirko leaving crossed my mind again. It made me tear up. Our first class was math, which had the test I had spent late hours studying for like the previous night. It wasn't my most satisfying test. Despite my confidence in attaining a commendable grade, the cruel ticking time prevented me from completing the final question, which meant a mistake. Sure, it was only one, but it was still one. To be fair, the test was really testing our time, but that's only an excuse. I'll do better next time.
Ria was sharing with me one of her writing plans and plots, and I implored her to permit my coding skills to bring life into her visions. She admitted that her intention was to seek my aid regardless. Isn't that so cute? I'm like her beta coder.
I'm such an academic weapon. Since it's finals season, people have been asking for my help left and right. I don't mind it. It's not like I'm struggling. I love helping people too.
I played Bitlife with a classmate of mine, and we were having this competition on who'd have the best life. I lost. I don't lose a lot, but this one I really lost deliberately. I was born rich but died poor with a husband that kept on stealing from me. My first mistake was getting a boyfriend.
Curiously, I often arrive at school with a depleted phone battery and a lack of sleep. However, upon returning home, I find myself with 8 hours of completed sleep and a fully charged phone. School is basically a charging mode for me. It's an interlude to my actual personal life that I protect so much.
I had my research defense today. Woke up, gave my part a cursory glance, and resolved to improvise during the actual presentation. I did in fact wing it. I did so well. I stuttered a lot at first during the explanation part but I absolutely carried once the panelists started asking questions. Suddenly I was like the mailbox from Gravity Falls that just had the answer to everything. We had this one homework that nobody told me about. It slipped past my radar. My groupmate said he's got it since I already did like every other project there is ever. He ended up not knowing what to do and just passing the responsibility back to me. I hate empty words. I'm sure he meant well at first but, they just show how incompetent they are and it's a very sad sight. I finished that homework up quickly and slept the rest of the day. During lunch time, I cooped myself up in a corner, isolated and away from everyone. I was memorizing stuff for this oral exam I had. Brie helped me. She asked the questions and I'd just blab on. I got my confidence back. Ria told us a very top secret information about her play. When the time came for the oral exam, I volunteered to go first and quickly got my perfect score. I kept on talking even when my timer ran out. My memory is such an awesome thing. I died and fell asleep on the floor again after that. I played the electric guitar for a bit before going home. I dreaded going home. Going home meant that I needed to study again. And I did. I spent 4 hours studying math and accounting. They're both hypothetically easy but insanely tedious. I studied while in a call with my friends who were wacthing Star Wars. That is a hate crime for sure.
I have no idea what I've lead my life into but according to my calendar, the last time I took a rest was March 25th. I had my review center first thing and it actually went pretty fast. I got home to study more and edit some projects I still had. Just a few more, I swear. Sirko is making me cry again. I officially got my tickets. She did too. Except hers is a one way flight. She told me she was looking at the receipts she kept in her box (she's very sentimental and I'm only sentimental when it comes to her) of out most perfect dates ever. It just always worked so easily for us. We have our own unspoken rules and what's normally hard for me, she makes it so simple. I'm gonna miss her so much. It's all seeming so real. We'll go to Disney after the Eras Tour concert. She said she'll wait for me and I swear I'll keep my promise and go to her. I studied more until I fell asleep.
I wanna talk about you so bad but I'll keep it encrypted because you did it first.
I had my orthodontist appoinment again. When I got home, I've fully decided on using the rest of my day to study. Except I found myself stuck in the duet bench. This happens way too often. I practiced and played The Great War.
I would like to give my full appreciation once more to Skylar because he has been such a safe space for me lately. I feel bad that he has to read like this series of texts I sent because that's not how I usually am but I badly needed someone to talk to. He's right. I got a lot from the pep talk he gave. I'll make the impact hurt less. Anyway, Sirko and I had this little rant conversation too. I just hate people. I hate that they're giving her such a hard time when she's literally leaving. So soon too. Long story short, I'm sorry that people think we're stealing their friends. Is it our fault we're likeable and you guys aren't?
Having a fixed mindset is so weird. I hate it (hate only in this particular context) when people just say "atleast I tried my best" to justify their mediocrity. It's like this false sense of self-awareness where they criticize but only the good parts of themselves. Like only the parts that could even be considered a compliment to some extent. If that makes sense. I get that people have self-protective mechanisims that makes them inherent blame external factors to avoid taking resposibility one's performance, but having such cognitive dissonance where you purposely align your excuse to perceived limitations is so lame. This isn't directed at anyone, it's just a random shower-thought.
I played with my baby brother outside and blew bubbles while he chased after them. Cute.
No way I Wacky started watching Star Wars because of me. So unreal.
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My very elaborate hour-by-hour schedule says that I need my script done by tonight. I did everything besides that. I even fixed my Spotify and made like so many new playlists. Don’t worry, I still did a reasonable amount of progress. While I was on a call with Brie last night, her brother mentioned that my speech was the only one that he remembered. It was the most memorable as I was the only one being honest. I am his favorite friend for Brie. It’s still insane how no family member of a friend has ever hated me. As this was happening, Wacky kept me up all night while Brie still did her school works aggressively typing continuously for like an hour or two after I finished. He was bullying Stephen Hawking so I’ll be the one to apologize. Thank you for sharing with us the knowledge of black holes dying. Too bad you died too. I actually love Stephen Hawking. He has so many appearances in The Big Bang Theory.
I remember having a boots addiction as a kid. It was the only thing I’d wear. That with skater skirts. Looking back, my fashion taste was very questionable. But that never stopped people - even strangers - from complimenting my galaxy leggings. It was in during the times.
This day was meant to be productive but half of it was spent with me just talking to Wacky. 8 hours. More than I've studied. Insane how he has consumed that much of my time when I usually stick to my schedule so strictly.
My dog got sick. My dog is just like me. I feel horrible.
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We have our research defense today so all I did the first half of the day was review our paper and modify the powerpoint a bit (by a bit I mean i changed everything because whoever was in charge of it half-assed it - he's my friend though so he was fine with me fixing it). It was cancelled. How horrible. After that I wrote our script for this other filming project we had. We were separated into groups like a week ago and they've been trying to make progress since. I was barely helping because I already had my hands full on other work and I trusted them. I was later informed that the class I didn't attend, where that project was given by, the teacher decided to scratch the whole task and just turn it into a completely different thing. They were set into a state of panic so to relieve them from that, I just wrote the script by myself within an hour and told them to send their videos by tonight so they can get time for finals revision. I practically did an entire group work of progress in an hour. I am so uneccessarily extra. It's fun though because I wrote another very Jack Pop script and their left with no choice but to obey accordingly to the script. I really do have a god complex. I was also working on this other, other project but this time a physical one and it's insane because I was working with hot glue gun. I got distracted by god knows what and I just let it sit there unknowingly burning. I didn't realize until I literally almost stepped on the huge chunk of the hot glue refill that was pooling in the floor. I was in a call with brie while I did my essay and told her I had just realized that I'm really good with punctuations and her reply was so funny. I won't say it because it's just an ego boost. I think it's such a great feat that I have won little quiz bees and so much Kahoots on punctuations. At the end of the day, I couldn't even form proper sentences anymore. I had a solid minute where I was talked to Brie with words gettings intertwined and switched.
I miss Sirko. I hope she's okay. We talked about how we'd work out our friendship because her leaving is actually becoming real. We promised we'd work it out and we scheduled a call time every week. I swear on my life that I'd call her each time I'm getting ready for an event. It's like tradition at this point. And we have this huge obsession with Get Read With Me's too. I fixed my Sirko playlist and I think I'll just enjoy my time with her now while I still can. I'm still seeing her in LA for the Eras Tour. Taylor better play Right Where You Left me or Dorothea. We deserve it.
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Wacky, ignore the actual entry and scroll down.
Bokuto and I both had 0 in our screen times. So worth it. We agreed to just share the WLSC title. Everybody else sucks and are internet dwellers. I got a ton of messages when I woke up. Most of them were Instagram mentions and then there were two specific DMs which I found very concerning. Sirko's confession did not go well. Skylar did a lot of stupid stuff but atleast he found closure. I tried my best to take care of both of them. I feel bad. I love them both too much for this. Nothing much happened because I had this huge test and I was focusing on that. The test was rigged. I got my results and it wasn't a perfect score even though it literally said my answers were right. Why was it marked wrong and why can't I be exempted from the final oral exam? I was on a call with Brie and decided to code and update my blog for a bit. I was looping This is What the Drugs Are For by Gracie Abrams and she's sad now too. I'm not really sad. I just love Gracie. I asked her one time earlier to check this piece of code if it was working on her PC and when I sent her the link, she said she already had it on bookmark. Isn't that the cutest thing ever? I love her. Also my brother got me some orange chicken from Panda Express that's so sweet.
I opened my messages and received this link from Wacky. It was a bunch of codes and I had to decrypt it. I know you're reading this. Bro if I didn't know how to code I never would've been able to decrypt that (it was really really simple but still). Okay that brings us to my message.
Hi Wacky :D Here's the reply:
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No phones. I had a game plan. I woke up at around 6AM and slept again. I'd say it's really really smart to skip time. I read a book and got until its half way then fell asleep again. In my defense, it was still early in the morning. I did a deep clean of my keyboard and change its keycaps because I'm awesome. Wrote a few things on this notebook. I went out to run some errands and do girl stuff at the mall. You'd think I would've opened my phone because there's no way I'm getting home. I trusted them to pick me up at the right time and they did. I was just testing my luck (I still don't believe in luck... but I like the word, okay). This cinch I got for my dress came at out door and I was genuinely convinced it was never coming. Used up all my luck in one day but it's so worth it. Maybe it's my phone that gives me bad omens. See now I'm just talking gibberish. Time was finally near. The event of the day. I got ready and did my makeup. Went to pick up Sine and Sirko. Tony (the mediator or host or something), said we could ask people to text other people as long as we don't touch the phone. That's what I did. My phone remained with its power off. I was in the same table as Sirko, Rhett, and Skylar. It was a fun night. They even had this pretty known band as their guest thing. The shots were very pure and it tasted horribly. I just did group shots and drank nothing else. My old friends were there too so it was like a fun reunion. Rhett and Skylar decided to give me advice before the party started. They're right. They're always right. I was part of the treasures thing and I think I did well besides the insane amount of laughter each word I said. When the lights were off I was at the mic, I was everywhere besides our table. A guy kind of confessed and took a picture with me. I don't like him. I like someone else. But I think it wasn't anything serious. It was a long but fun night. Until Sirko sent a confession message to her crush. I tried to stop her... I got home and ate cereal and still did my night routine. I'm the cleanest person you'll ever meet no matter how tired or late it is.
I noticed that I have been spending a lot of time in Instagram lately and deleted it for a while to prove a point. I made a very spontaneous plan with Sine to hangout at our guest house but it's really just to cheat on this test we had. I asked my dad for the keys and I straight up told him I'm gonna go out to cheat on a test and he replied with "Good job." I had a bit of time on my hands since Sine told me to pick her up after lunch so I slept, study, slept, then studied. I met up with her and got her Popeyes too because I think we've all already established that I'm the best host ever. We cheated and got highest, we hung out for a bit until the whole village had a power outage. It was raining outside but it was really hot inside so we decided to go out. We got picked up sooner enough. I also had a call with Skylar (again) since I needed his advice. What a great dude. It's almost finals week and I really need to get my sht together.
I have another 18th to attend to tomorrow so I got the celebrant a gift. Am I incredibly uncreative or do I just loev Gracie? I bought her a pandora ring then got myself new headphones and keycaps. I never noticed how many friends I actually have. I have another 18th on queue next week. Send help. Turns out I am in very high demand. Random fact but did you know that Ria makes the best food combos ever?
I'm so out of it today. I have been listening to Wacky's playlist. Am I okay? I swear I've read more of his blog posts than I have an actual book this month.
I didn't use my phone that much this day and decided to flex it. This is where things started to escalate terribly. See, I messaged the lil bros gc saying something in the lines of "Suck it, internet dwellers". A very me thing to say. Then Bokuto took it upon himself to challenge me and defends the others. I accepted it after a bit of banter. I wrote a World Less ScreenTime Champion contract. This challenge starts tomorrow. I replied to the email chain and trash talked with Yuan in my last waking (with phone) days until Tony asked me to call. We did. They just bullied me. Hoping for a 0 screen time. Trust.
It's a shame how I'm going to have to move my plan to grind on God of War. I just setted up my ps4 into my pc monitor too. It's the perfect comfort, you know?
Had my review center. Our language proficiency teacher was the epitome of perfect. I’m not even kidding. He had this interactive categories game in class and he even gave a Taylor Swift songs prompt. Tell me he isn’t the coolest dude ever? That was going great until the time for out next class came. Chemistry. I never thought I’d ever hate chemistry. I was always good at chemistry. The teacher spoke in gibberish and I gave up trying to listen. I texted with lil bros the whole time.
Unforeseen change of plans. I went to the car and my parents took me to our farm. It’s so pretty there. I have my own library in the house and it’s actually huge. I can put like so much books. I visited out other gazillion dogs who now resides there because we have too much. Then I went to see the ducks and the other pretty animals. I am now one with the ducks. I can’t wait for the aviary to finally be fully constructed. It’s grown from the last time I saw it (I’ve been busy) I’m pretty sure it was just this big empty land before. Now it has like the pathways and a a roundabout thing. It’s all coming together. I went to the coffee shop near our farm and it was so good. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s basically this exclusive artist community place thing. I don’t wanna doxx myself. I wanna stay there forever. I was looping the Evermore album through the speakers and slept on the couch.
I got really emotional by the thought of Sirko leaving in a month. I’m gonna miss her so much. It’ll work. I’ll make it work. Also my mom adopted a new dog. I was playing with it. The dog was like her guard it was so cute. I had a talk with my parents about college and they said they’d let me apply for the schools Sirko is going too. I hope I pass.
Wacky has now read so much of my vlog I think he knows me more than I know myself.
I think I’m gonna get sent off soon to become an apprentice for this artist and I’ll be away from home independently isolated. Hopefully that doesn’t get pushed through.
Speak Now (Taylor's Version) announcement! No fricking way. Fun fact, my Eras Tour outfit is the Speak Now dress. This is so perfect. I had my dermatologist appointment. Then another early vanish mode (paris) with Sirko. I still appreciate Naur (Sirko, Rhett, and Skylar). The day was very normal and mundane. I was resting. I did a late night soccer practice so I can finally become Bachira and find my monster. I was so tired after that. I slept call with Brie and a while after, I started semi-sleep talking to her. I was talking about this notebook I remember because I was still awake with a dead brain. Comical.
My Friday schedule remains the most exhausting thing ever. PE murdered me. Accounting murdered me. I'm praying my teacher didn't notice that one mistake I made. It's a 0 or nothing test. I didn't feel well. I didn't feel well emotionally, mentally, or physically. I cried during club period. I'm such a fraud.
Anyway, I made plans with Table 2 so atleast I can get my mind out of the gutter. It was fun. We had biscoffs! I love them so much for loving biscoffs too. Brie's little crush uh surprised her and her reaction was so epic. It was cute. She was blushing and everything. I was just gullible the whole time and believed eerything so I got confused and my brain was too dumb to process anything that was happening. We were struggling with dividing the group since the escape had head count and we were exceeding by one. Ria left early and although that problem has been fixed, I still would've rather have her stay. We finally started the game and we were so stupid. I was most specially stupid so I think I can say that. I started doing math for nothing. Wacky did math too. Twin for real. We were hard carried. In the end, we completed by 99%. Do you get deja vu? We ate at a Japanese restaurant and I was telling Brie that we should go ditch them (I was kidding). Wait this is funny. I asked Brie to change her clothes in the middle of eating. So she can be like one of those characters from Kitty Powers' Matchmaker where they change clothes and see if people notice. Tony noticed. We went to the arcade then did our own stuff. I'm too lazy to write the details of everything that has happened, so I'm trusing future Cy to remember. Oh I was making fun of this kid that was beside Tony and I got caught through the reflection. Bokuto saw it and him and Tony both called me stupid. I agree. Am I mean? I was just setting up my "never doubted you for a second" joke... When everybody left, Tony, Wacky, and Bokuto started making the empty mall their playground. It was funny. Apparently Rhett saw me. I wish he approached. I needed his help. But if he did I probably would've broken down. At the end of the night, I was messaging Skylar, Rhett, and Sirko. The quick band-aid of happiness disappeared and I was spiralling again. They told me to just always keep my composure. I did. I love them. I love them with all my heart.
May the fourth be with you.
I was in a sleep call last night with lil bros and I now know that I am a silent sleeper. Apparently I was completely soundless. I find that weird because I swear I used to sleep walk. To be fair that doesn't even correlate to each other like at all. But I can't possibly not even make like those bed sheet noises. I am late again. Surprisingly, math became a gazillion times easier. I need to switch strands. I belong in Computer Science. I'm already way ahead. Why did I choose this path. I practiced the electric guitar in school and did a mini concert. I have yet to annoy anyone (that I know of). They love me. I got home and went out to the mall to buy some frixion pens. All accounting students are hoarding it. I too. I bought more bows and other stuff. Got Mcdonalds then died.
My parent asked me if I knew the current events as like a mini test. They do that a lot. Luckily for me, we had this thing earlier where in we had to do this article analysis. I knew a lot because I took my sweet old time looking for the perfect article. How did I know so much about the contents of that newspaper and manage to spurt out so much recent events like I watch the news every single day (I don't want to watch the news at all)?
I have been getting into slumber a lot earlier than usual. I like that. I did some early piano practice. I learned I know It Won't Work by Gracie Abrams. Only been strictly playing her songs for atleast a month now. My baby brother had his first interview for school. So cute.
My "friends" invited themselves over and the problem is that I really don't like people in my house besides Sirko. It was so forced I was laughing about it with Sirko. We swear they're just clout chasing, I'm sorry. I love them but they're not the type of friend IO'd bring home if that makes sense. I got the house keys to our guest house and told them to go there instead. There is no way I'm letting them go near my actual house. People often forget this weird thing I have with the separation of school people to actual people I like. I just can't let them mix. It's like how I don't like sauce touching my food (usually). I don't know how to explain it but I think I'm just allergic to shallow people. This is probably the meanest I've ever been in this blog. I just generally don't see them as a friend friend. More of a season school friend kind. Anyway, I was still a good host. I booked an order for delivery from this wings place and ate. We have this huge test on Friday so our main goal was to study accounting and do a bunch worksheets. Ultimately, I had none but myself to blame when I did a single worksheet and decided to just not study. We went to the gym after the wings mukbang and another friend came over. We went to the playground because I'm literally a kid. Played badminton then I got thirsty so I called for another delivery. We got drinks from Starbucks and decided it would be so cool if we watched a horor movie. Before we started the movie I balanced my worksheets and was left satisfied. See, this hangout was well spent afterall. We did karaoke and called it a day. Oh and we scared each other the whole time and I'm actually traumatized now.
Went to Mykonos and Toscana and strolled around. Took the sea breeze in again. Went around with the golf cart for the last time. Good run for a quick vacation. I went to the airport and got home. The moment I arrived in the car ride home, Ria was messaging me to help her with math. I was dead but I think I did well asnwering her test. I'm so great. I love being a genius. I did all that with my ears ringing and head deteriorating. Someone was looking for me in school since I did attend once again and Sirko saved my life. Context (meowmeow) is really long but if you know, you know.
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I reckon this has been the earliest I've slept and woken up this year. Went to the beach early in the morning. I like the sea breeze. It's the kind of air the sits perfectly from the cool ocean to the warm land. It's very comforting. I went feep in the ocean and just cleared my mind until everything turned into nothingness. My baby brother's hermit crabs have multiplied. He now has 3 and an additional baby crab. He's a god to those mere miniature sea creatures. I've trained my baby brother well. Confined within a golf cart, I traced the contours of the island and its very awesome beaches. Basically I just explored it from one end to another. I had my breakfast and texted Sirko. We were not very nice in that conversation. We were on Instagram's vanish mode (paris) feature.
Today's an activity day. I did a few rounds of archery. The said repeated rounds took a toll on my weary arms. My arms are weak. They're dead. That was so fun. I now can say that I embody The Archer. Who could ever leave me, but most importantly, who could stay. The state of my arms did not stop me from going rock climbing after that. The people who were assisting me told me I was the fastest they've seen and I now hold the record there. Isn't that awesome? They even timed me to keep note. Sadly, the place is exclusive and I doubt what I did was any impressive. I just have a light body mass index and an incredibly hyper current condition. Had dinner at Costa. I keep on forgetting to log where I eat. I did eat a lot. Probably every hour. Maybe that's why I had so much energy.
Went to bed early again. I love this place.
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I was up until like 2AM last night trying to beat my Rubik's Cube time. I was restless and did everything but sleep. I even managed to eat cereal. You'd be surprised how much energy I had left for someone who had woken up extra early and went to a party that very same day. I woke up around 5AM because I had a flight to catch. We went straight to the private plane without eating or anything. I straight up showered, closed my eyes, then I was in another island. I'm still trying not to doxx myself so a private island, yes. Everything is pretty and refreshing. I love using travelling as a form of escapism. It's probably bad but I just tell eveyone I'm busy and go on do not disturb all the time. The first thing I did was sleep on the porch bed and just die. I woke up in a state of confusion and got lost. I accidentally trespassed on a villa that was most certainly not ours. It took me a while to process that thought too. I had to look around for a solid minute or two before it dawned on me. I changed clothes and went to the beach. I just sat there in the scorching heat of the sun taking everything in. I am not afraid of sunburns. In fact, I love sunburns. Don't ask why. My baby brother found himself a little friend. He carried around this hermit crab with him everywhere. We jut explored the island for a bit and had like the best meals ever. I wouldn't say best meal but they satisfied my hunger quite well.
I forgot to mention but, airpods are now an extension of me. From the start to finish of that day, I never once removed my airpods. Even when I fell asleed in the porch, I had it on listening to a podcast. I had Gracie Abrams on loop. I love her. Special thanks to Tony for listening to my playlist. Gracie is so great.
A very eventful day. I woke up extremely excited. You'd think it's because of Brie's birthday, but wrong. Well maybe that was part of the reason. I was actually really happy because our report cards were out and I got really high grades. I fell asleep again after I did my morning routine. I had my dermatologist appoinment for a quick hour then went back to sleep again. I woke up and packed my things because we have a trip tomorrow and if I don't pack now, I won't be able to later.
Now that all the usual chaos of my busy life has subsided, I did my hair and makeup and all that girl stuff. It was all for a special occasion, you see. I fetched Sirko so that we could arrive at the event simultaneously. The ride over was so funny; we had the best of our times already. But when we arrived, we found Ria already holed up in the women's bathroom, waiting for others to arrive. We weren't that early, but there was no one there. Literally no one. We were the first ones to arrive. That's when the disasters of the night began to spiral out of control. Sirko broke her heels. Ria's red lipstick was smudged, and she couldn't fix it for the life of her. As for me, well, I had problems with running away. We were a sorry sight, to say the least. Why was I running away? I guess we'll never know. We did find solutions to our problems - though the party had yet to begin. Sirko, who thankfully lived nearby, called her sister to bring a fresh pair of heels. The broken ones were tossed aside in the restroom, a sad and discarded symbol of our ill-fated start. As for Ria, I had remembered to bring concealer, and I helped her fix her makeup. As for me, well, I was too nervous to do much of anything - except make mistakes. But at least I managed to avoid this one person I was trying to steer clear of.
Brie entered the room she was quite literally there and then was the epitome of beauty. I couldn't believe that she was finally 18. It was her birthday, and I hoped she would have the time of her life. I was prepared for the event as well, as I had brought her a gift for the 18 treasures thing. As for the speech, I'm going full adlib. When it was my turn, all I did was stumble over my words and laugh awkwardly. My speech was terrible, and I couldn't seem to find my footing. But in the end, I suppose it didn't matter much. What mattered most was that Brie received my message and knew how much I cared for her. Happy birthday, Brie.
Let's talk about Table 2. I had a great time. Everyone was so nice. Everybody looked awesome. We were the best table there. We were Brie's main ones afterall. I am totally flexing that we were her favorite. I wish I had kidnapped Brie and held her hostage underneath our table. She sadly had to be a good host and socialize with everyone she invited. She was super brave that night. She was drunk so it was funny.
During the duration of the party, a friend of mine had a blackmail at gunpoint. I did everything he said or else I'd die. I broke a wine glass and it fell on my feet. I didn't even know I cut myself until the next day after. I drank a few shots but it wasn't really anything. Sirko and I gossiped so much. It was the best when we kept on side-eyeing and snorting. We share the same exact braincell. Nearing the end of the night, I did my Duolingo and started feeling sleepy so I borrowed Tony's suit coat and bowed my head down. My old friend which we'll call... Otter (I'm bad at nicknames, send help), thought I was dying and told me to sit up so I don't vomit. I wasn't dizzy pr anything but I found that short interaction as the sweetest thing ever (platonically). Before I left I played a chess game with Wacky but barely 5 moves in and I received a message that basically meant I had to go. I dropped Sirko off to her house and I died when I got home. Happy 18th birthday Brie. I had fun. I hope you did too. I know you did...
Today is Brie's birthday. Her 18th birthday party will be held tomorrow. I'm hanging out with Sirko again today after school to prep ourselves. The plan was just to grab biscoff and get our nails done. We'll get on with that later. It's a friday. I am exhausted every friday. First class was PE as per my normal schedule. I was try harding once more. The next class was practicaly freetime. We had to work on producing this play but they couldn't pick anyone who was capable of leading and although I was the most obvious choice, a friend of mine was so against it. She conviced everyone that I don't reply to messages and it's hard to contact me. She's not wrong. But she should know that I'm only hard to contact because I simply don't like talking to people who I could not care any lesser about. I had this decent talk with a guy about anime. What a nice dude. I did so well in accounting. I actually understood and balanced fast.
Back to Sirko, when we had our nails done, I fell asleep and I think the nail lady got mad. Sirko was laughing and took pictures of me saying I looked dead. I chose the color blue I wore in that one particular day but I'll never admit it. We had fun despite just casually roaming the mall around
I think I failed in math. I also messed up my presentation in science. My teacher who's known for being an ass just kept on throwing questions after questions that I tried my best to answer. He loves me but I swear he finds joy in seeing me suffer. I know he loves me because I literally have the highest grade ever and he always teases me in like a friendly way but still. My classmates were so great. They all defended me with their lives while I was answering my teacher's gazillion questions. This is the same dude who critiqued my 70 pages long research paper page per page. Later that day, that same teacher ended up seating beside me in this seminar we had. I kept on dozing off and he kept on waking me up to make another joke about me and my sleeping habits. There was this other teacher who he switched places with to keep me awake. They just go in turns. The other teacher was buying all my jokes. I am somehow close with everyone ever. I'm pretty sure I was half asleep then. From that quick hour or two or three... I received like a bunch of photos of myself just sleeping. I have no idea why everybody loves taking pictures of me.
Ennui. A very fitting word for how I feel about my academics right now.
I am turning into Gracie Abrams. My mom got me some new charms and they're lovely. Right now I have the following comfort jewelry: A Tiffany necklace, a bead necklace, the pandora bracelet, and the pandora ring me and Sirko got. I wonder if future me would ever change these out.
My mom just told me that I was a mistake. She told it in the most casual way possible. This is probably too much information put if you know me, I am always in need of medical attention. My hormones are super messed up and so I'm taking pills. When we were on that subject, apparently she had missed a day of the pill and there I was. Today was another hospital day. Other than that girl stuff check-up, I had my orthodontist appointment. The new adjustments are killing me. I spent the rest of my day loathing myself. My days although are usually brimming with events (and I make sure of that), can sometimes be pretty sad.
Today was a day that brought back an old familiar feeling - a feeling of nausea that I thought I had left behind. The math test was today so i woke up extra early for once. As the universe would have it, I am the unfavorite child. The traffic was heavier than it had ever been . My brother, in the same boring car ride made me watch a few short horror indie films while he rambled on about the impeccable cinematography. Despite the delay, I managed to arrive at school just on time, only to find that my teacher was running late. It seemed that the traffic had not only affected me, but others as well. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here. During english class, when it was time for my speech, I got so nervous and my anxiety got the best of me because i started doing that thing I do where I scratch my forearms. They were red for sure, and to make matters worse, the teacher made us remove our jackets. I'm quite sure that everyone in the class saw my arms in such state. I still did well. I reckon I did it best. I'm usually quite adept at pretending to be fine - after all, I'm every teacher's favorite and the bubbliest kid in class. Or so I've been told. There's times when I'm dead sleeping too. It all depends on the day, really. Nevertheless, I can say with confidence that everyone loves me now, even though I used to think that they hated me. It's different now - I put in so much effort into every social interaction I encounter, but people are often oblivious. After school ended, I immediately fell asleep.
Oh Rhett and his girlfriend invited me to their band concert. Of course, I agreed to go.
At night, I caught up with Sirko over FaceTime. We laughed and shared so much. I swear we had the funniest conversation. We will forever be out home bases. For future Cy's context, this is about meow meow (Sirko would get this inside joke too). We talked for so long that I started doing fashion shows. I even managed to take selfies to post for my Instagram. Yes, I still remain a 21st century girl.
I am sleeping in the classroom floor again. The Dark Reunion. I am nerfed every two weeks. This is the pain I have to suffer. All my friends are sick. Ria was sick too. She attended but she had rehearsals. I was alone. Which wasn't much of a bother. It's great how everyone just kind of stopped putting negative connotations to being alone in school. We're not supposed to stay in our classrooms during break times usually but today they let us. I stayed in class since I don't really eat ever. I watched Blue Lock and slept. What a peaceful way to spend lunch. I like it. Would a hundred percent do again.
I secured me and Brie Hamilton tickets. Can't wait.
We have this huge math test tomorrow and what better way to spend my last few hours of freedom watching The Super Mario Bros Movie? I still bought with me a paper and a pen to do math practices but it's fun because there really isn't anything I love more than perfectly balancing my academics and life. It's my baby brother's first time in a cinema so that's pretty cool. We wore those matching Luigi and Mario hats we got from the Nintendo World in Japan. I actually took like the quickest nap ever before we headed to the movie and I swear this day was tiring yet I didn't feel too overwhelmed. For another thing, I had this award speech I needed to memorize. I recited it while practicing for math. I studied math until the latest of the night while on a vc with the same people again. They played roblox while I strictly did math.
Up early. Review center. Why must I study this much. I appreciate the math teacher we had. That's something good. During the english portion of the review, I finished the textbook so early that I started watching Blue Lock. I was in first chair first row too. When that ended, I looked for another dress. I have invited to a lot of formal parties. I am somehow buying dresses one weekend after another. Today was lucky. I went to the first boutique dress shop and found the most perfect thing ever. It was a blue legth floor dress. It's perfect. I bought it. I ate wings after that first fitting. Wings are the best. I don't think I'll ever get tired of it. I had cream puffs for dessert. Good food combination. After that, I had lots of extra time and just went to Muji to buy my holy grail multi-pen. I still swear on my life that it's what gets me straight A's. I went to American Eagle and other stores too.
Blue Lock is so awesome. I love it.
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Today, I constructed an archive page. It's quite convenient, really, as it facilitates easy navigation through the myriad of events in my life. Surprisingly, it didn't require much effort on my part.
I spent the better part of the day watching Suits. Then I switched to Blue Lock. It's really awesome.I particularly find it funny
how every single character there looks like a protagonist in their own right. I love sports anime.
I played Among Us with Bire, Tony, and Wacky. So great. I discovered some quite ingenious hiding spots. I miss my days of solitude, in the arms of sweet sweet technology.
I feel overwhelmed and everything is stressing me out. I started watching suits and I think I have now officially watched every single film that has a main character with an eidetic memory. Which says a lot about me. Hamilton tickets are out. I will deal with that later.
Ria saw this tiktok of cleo and thought of me. Isn't that the cutest thing ever? I love her.
I want to terminate a contract (Spoiler Alert: Idid terminate). People have been telling me I'm dying. It is very depressing.
Went to the salon for a hair treatment. Being a girl is high maintenance. Sigh.
I started watching the first two episodes of Suits because I have nothing to do. This state of doing nothing is really stressing me out.
Why did the chicken cross the road? I saw chickens on the road for the first time which I found really cool because it's like a joke come to life. I showed the very cute photo to Tony and before I knew it, it was an entire argument. Now the whole group was against me. No one was on my side, I am depressed. Wacky most especially continued the argument for like an hour or two. I will never admit it, but I think they won that argument.
I managed to make it to school on time - not a minute late. A very monumental occurence. I find it odd that my emotions are consuming me today. My eyes were stinging. Brie commented that this only happens when you cry at night, and she knows it all too well. My classroom is full of Swifties and our teachers seem to share the same love for Taylor's music. I think that's very awesome. It's a shame I'm a mad woman.
We had a presentation I mentioned yesterday today on any topic we wanted (my group chose Disneyland). We were all looking forward to it, but unfortunately, we ran out of time and didn't get to present. The teacher in that subject likes me, so she was bullying us and our poor excited selves.
During dismissal, Skylar told me something that made me rethink my whole belief in this one particular someone. It really struck a chord with me. I don't know who to trust. After school, I slept until 8 pm, which is really late. Then I played Counter-Strike again. I started Suits at around like 1 AM!
I learned something interesting today - that when a word is derived from Greek, there can't be an "f" in it. It makes perfect sense now why participants in spelling contests always ask about a word's origin.
I don't exist. I completed a bunch of homeworks today. We had this one task of creating a presentation on anything we wanted and our group decided on a convincing parents to let us go to Disneyland one. Nothing worth writing really happened today so there's that.
I downloaded Counter Strike and played with Tony and Wacky. We did the Flying Scoutsman game mode and it was so fun. I will be playing this game again soon for sure.
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Accounting has reached a new peak of scary. I am extremely tired and overwhelmed.
Since I have no sleep from pulling constant all-nighters because of reading, I got home a slept back all the hours I've lost. I slept so much in school that for lunch, I slept at the stairs again.
My baby brother had his pre-first day at a real school today. He took a test to see whether or not he'd get in. Honestly, I feel like whatever test he too was impossible to fail.
Career Day. A very weird event in which we are compelled to dress up as our desired professions.Too bad nobody's dressing up as princesses anymore. Those dreams have been replaced by the grim reality of adulthood.In my science class, I was exposed to a litany of esoteric knowledge, including the synthesis of poison (chlorine), methamphetamine, and TNT. Such knowledge is not for the faint of heart, but it is a necessary tool in the arsenal of a truly dedicated scientist. Did you know that chlorine can be made by your regular bleach and vinegar? So cool. We had so much free slots of time that for an hour, I learned some simple coin magic tricks. The remaining hours, I turned into some sort of circus magician showing (might I say amusing) the whole class with magic tricks.
I've acquired Brie's Pandora (the gift) and I'm fully decided on just doing an impromptu speech. It's more candid that way. I also finaly got the GRWM clips from Sirko today. I love it.
This morning, I had parted with my bed to confront the dreading task of attending my review center. I better get into my desired school wioth all this effort I exert. The science instructor was so much better in sharp contrast to our previous one, whose pedantic lectures left me longing for the sweet embrace of death. The same could not be said for the math portion of the review. It was mid at best.
I want to be someone's little secret too. As you know, I have been absorbed completely into the pages of Lynn Painter's Better Than The Movies. Haley was right. This book is so good. Cliche, but nonetheless good.
I made my speech for Brie's birthday while in the shower. I don't think I'd be needing a speech. Which is weird because I am the most scripted and calculated person ever.
I watched Ugly Betty and I swear the pacing was way too fast. I didn't know it was a series and dropped it immediately after finisihing the pilot episode.
I've been suffering the last chapter Syndrome. U haven't been sleeping and aruond midnight, I was freaking out so much because of this one scene that I needed a breather so badly and joined the lil bros VC. We did a few show and tells and taht sort of stuff. I read the Shrek script until I claimed I'd go sleep. I went back to reading.
I need to start using the phrase pants on fire more.
Dress shopping! Absolutely nothing was fitting me so I gave up. Then like Lorelai on that one episode, I decided to go back to this place that I've already been to a gazillion times and hanging on the rack was a piece I've been overlooking and it was the most perfect dress ever. It had the same exact color as the Speak Now dress. It was the Speak Now dress if it were more Cy-fied. It had this unique shine to it in the mirror that I can't even begin to explain. Like it didn't have glitters or sequins but it was glowing. It was tailored (Taylor-ed) for me, and I couldn't resist buying it. I was originally looking for a dress with a different party in mind and a whole completely different theme, but this dress was perfect for the Era's Tour. I dropped by the Biscoff place because that drink was my addiction.
Today I finally reached the final episode of The Big Bang Theory. I couldn't help but cry when Sheldon scrapped his self-centered speech for his friends. It's moments like these that remind me of the importance of friendship and how much we need each other. This series will forever hold a special place in my heart. What a good run.
Interesting fact of the day - which I got from TBBT. Apparently, the latest research into déjà vu suggests that it's nothing but the frontal regions of the brain attempting to correct an inaccurate memory. Isn't that very fascinating.
I also helped this other group in class with their math computation and formula because they were failing. I could'nt figure it out at first but when I did I swear it felt like I deserved a Nobel Prize in Statistics.
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Fridays. I have a love-hate relationship with it. On one hand, we have almost to no classes, which is a relief after a week of terrible and uninspiring lectures. On the other hand, the one class we do have is the worst one: Accounting. Today was no different. We had PE first class, and as usual, I did the most. I depleted all my energy so early in the morning because I never learn. Next class, we had to do a bunch of dances. By that point, I was already physically tired and exhausted. And then came Accounting, a two-hour class that felt like an eternity but on x2 speed. It was so hard that we had four tests, and columnar worksheets were all over the floor like it was something that came out of a cartoon show. I felt like I was drowning in numbers and calculations, and I was barely keeping up with the pace of the class. By the end of it all, I was physically and mentally dead.
I have been email texting with Wacky for like the past month and I swear it's so awesome how long it's gotten. We take days to reply and it's so cool (honestly mind blowing). If you're reading this (hopefully not), I have no idea how yuo're doing it but I apprecaiate it and you're like one of the best people I know.
Today's logic was that I would skip sleeping and just sleep in school. During lunchtime, my friend opened up a conversation about One Piece, I want to freeze time and preserve this. I've been waiting for this moment for so long. My friend mentioned that she knew a guy who was into the series, and I couldn't help but feel a tinge of what might be jealousy. It's terrible that the conversation started because of a boy, but I'll take what I can get if it means I can talk about the greatest series of all time. My friend asked me a bunch of questions, and I gladly answered them. I love One Piece. It's a masterpiece that's equally par with Star Wars. The characters, the world-building, the storytelling—it's all incredible. I could feel my eyes glistening. It was a brief moment of happiness in an otherwise mundane day.
We had a topic on Excel in class and were tasked this project of making this very simple quiz with the simplest formula fuctions. I obviously did the most and made a full on game. My teacher eats up creativity, okay? As the school day ended, me, Ria, and Sirko sat in the rain as we waited for our rides. It was a sight that was rather comforting.
As planned, I got home, overslept, and went on a call with the said friend from yesterday and he showed me how to do PHP, we toured each other on some of our projects, then did CSS battles.
I went to the hospital to see an opthalmologist with my baby brother because we needed to get our eyes checked up for a change of lenses. Everyone in my family is blind. Surprsing how my baby brother's eye sight grade is at 350 which is almost three times more than mine.
Quick dress shopping but to my dismay, there was nothing that looked good.
I've been really invested in this Lofi Lore. As you may or may not already know (which this knowledge really depends if you read my blog and I highly doubt it), I usually study with James Scholz. Study With Mes are actually quite the constant in my life. They introduced Synthwave boy and ti was so cool.
Today I also found out that I had antoher friend who codes that was right under my nose this whole time. I can't believe my radar missed it. Now I know two people who codes. This guy was another dude who has a signed friendship contract too. Isn't that so awesome? He offered to call tomorrow and we will be trading coding knowledge. Back-end for front-end development. Oh and Java too. It was very epic when he told me about his dream game he wanted to develop because it's such a weird coincidence that a while back, I was looking for this one god simulator game which he responded to and I was so happy that he knew which game I was talking about because I've been looking for it for the longest time. He wanted to make literally the only genre of games I've touched ever since my gaming hiatus.
Started reading Better Than the Movies by Lynn Painter.
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I refuse to be a cog in a machine. I chose to ditch school today. I took the opportunity in staying home to do some advanced science topics (following the syllabus). School is very suffocating. I also did some accounting homework, which was easy but tedious. Had hot choco while doing self-care. School sucks and it's so draining. In between my studies, I indulged in some hot choco and self-care. A breather from school is very refreshing.
Another day spent in the company of Sirko. As she arrived, I eagerly ordered food for us and we spent the waiting time sketching potential portraits to be later painted in oil on canvas. Our main plan besides hanging out in my room was to swim but I was starved. As the meal had arrived, we continued to draw as we savored the flavors of Shakeys pizza and chicken wings. It will always be a pleasure to have her company. I swear her presence can fill the void with the most peaceful yet lively energy. Despite our initial intentions, we ended up abandoning the sketches we made (she drew me). Oh, she also gave me her skin care fridge (totally not another one of her parting gifts). We packed our stuff in a totebag so we could bring towels, painting supplies, and other stuff for the after-picnic.The sun was flooding the whole club house. As we dipped our toes into the cold water, we started behaving like children. We were balancing on ropes (so mirrorball) and getting each other's feet. It was an embarrassing display of immaturity, one that we both swore never to speak of again. We were so in the moment that we forgot to take pictures. That's rare nowadays, okay? I forgot to pack water and linseed oil so we had to walk back home and even that was fun walking back. We were both absolutely parched. We sat on grass near the pool area and laid out our towels. Fun fact, this was my first oil painting. We had a speaker so we played her "I'm not delusional" playlist. We gathered our canvases and paints and we began to carefully brush out in careful strokes our image. We sadly did not get to finish. It was as predicted. There was this cool coincidence when Cornelia Street started playing at my house's street which we crowned the Cornelia Street a while back. This day was definitely like a movie.
Second highlight of the day was when Tony called me for an interview and I completely died. It was recorded and 90% of what I said I followed with don't put that in then I ended up name dropping a teacher and I swear I'm gonna get sanctioned. Im kidding but we can't rule out possibilities.
Woke up to the unfortunate news of Taylor and Joe breaking up. I will refuse to believe it and it doesn't exist. Coding had once again consumed my waking days. I changed all the vars in my website to let. Thank Wacky for that. I fixed some errors, made soem more graphics for the mobile version of my website, and continued working on just making my website mobile-friendly. It has been going quite well. I didn't have any visions going on through with this but I am building something that pleases my taste quite well - miraculously.
Sirko's mom made a plan for me and Sirko to hang-out. I swear I have magical powers. I am literally such a parent's favorite friend. Can't blame them. Imagine your parent making the plan for you just so you could spend time with me? So epic.
I've been playing the piano quite a lot and it's all just been a bunch of Gracie Abram's songs. I did In Between (it's unreleased but it's so cute). I played it a few times and it's perfect.
I think I coded until like 2AM and I need to give Ria my best gratitude because she has always been my eyes whenever I am making the web design. She definitely is good with her color pallate. I can no longer tell what's good from bad because of the hours I spend looking at my work.
I am making this website mobile-friendly. I spent all day cooped up just coding. I love coding but I swear it turns me into some kind of gremlin. I had an audiobook in the background as I did went on with my day. I also finished the translator page and I cound never be any prouder of my work. It's simple but the graphics and everything was well thought out. Not really thought out, more on execution and a gazillion trial and errors. My vision still turned out well so that was good. Oh I was bored and did a hair wrap! I removed it before the day ended but it looked cool and I will be doing that again.
Bright suns! Haven't used that Star Wars reference in a while. Today was self-care day. A day to indulge in the simple delights of life. I did some spring-cleaning. I spent the morning dusting every surface of my room and rearranging my trinkets, collectibles, books, and all those items I've acquired from my countless hobbies. There's something therapeutic about putting things in order, about seeing a clean slate before you. I settled into the coziness of my room. I watched Get Ready With Me videos throughout the whole day. What an awesome sense of comfort. It was a peaceful bubble, a moment of respite from the pressures of everyday life.
Had the second part of Brie's podcast with the same people I've been spending my recent nights with.
I have decided. I woke up early to but the Recon CS-6. My whole personality practically revolves around it. It's insane how I still don't own that discontinued yellow nerf gun. A few short hours later, it arrived at my doorstep, and I immediately set to work to deep clean this gun. I felt like that one collector dude in Toy Story. It is a curious thing, this fixation on material objects, and yet it is a part of my being that cannot be denied. The day was still long and I spent majority of it either coding or sleeping. I like recharging my energy before I feel exhaustion.
Piano Solace. Whenever I feel certain emotions, my piano becomes my companion. It's a great medium to release emotions I can't seem to express. I learned Where Do We Go Now by Gracie Abrams and I simply played just that for 3 hours straight.
I've been spending a lot of time with the same people I spent quarantine with. I think they're great. I'm glad we're hanging out together like how we used to but I'll never admit that to their faces.
I was sending voice mails to Brie (I never text ever unless it's the email type so this is normal) and she randomly pointed out that I talk the way I type. I sound like XQC. I find that quite comical.
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Another Sirko and Cy day. We carpool; the ride to Highstreets is already fraught with chaos. Upon our arrival, we make our way to the restrooms. For we are girls, and this is what we do. Throughout the course of the day, we make frequent trips to this sanctuary of feminine respite. I succumb to the temptation of vanity. The urge to perfect the bow in my hair was irresitable. We dined at a Chinese restaurant and Sirko amused herself by remarking that if I were a flavor, I would be that of Xiao Long Bao. She is unwell. Went clothes shopping except the fates were not in our favor, for we found nothing that fit our slight frames. Everything we tried on was too loose and big. This can be explained with the bill we received earlier being the cheapest thing ever. We had to share every food ever and even then, we still could barely finish our food. We took a trip to shops like Typo and even the bookstore but still nothing. We looked for makeup and still, nothing. Just as our hopes were beginning to dwindle, a light bulb popped up. Matching Pandora rings! The perfect trinket to commemorate our days and friendship together. We selected one, and the saleslady was amused as we bantered back and forth, referencing "The Summer I Turned Pretty" and other cool movies while searching for the perfect ring. And then, I saw it. A star. It was perfect. This ring would be treasured forever. We slipped on our new accessory immediately. I do not plan on ever removing mine. This ring will be one of the things I value most.
As we made our way home, I realized that I had forgotten to drop Sirko off at her own house. What a great mistake, for it meant that she would be visiting me for a brief but awesome time. She is, after all, the first person I have ever invited into my humble abode. My room has long been a source of amusement among my friends. They often joke that it is akin to the Hollywood sign or a set piece in a sitcom, for they see it frequently during our calls but have never actually imagined someone being there in person. It was as if Sirko was breaking the fourth wall, crossing over into a realm previously only seen through screens. With trust, I allowed her to hold my prized possession, a lightsaber from Galaxy's Edge. It was a very wholesome moment, and we even recorded it for posterity. The happiness on her face was infectious, and She said she cannot recall a time when she has had her smile wider. I took her on a tour of my room, and it has never looked cooler with all of the smart and fascinating things that I have scattered about. Truly a reflection of my personality, a manifestation of the very essence of who I am. We went out and I taught her how to ride a skateboard. It was unsuccessful to say the least. We walked over to the clubhouse and just chatted for a bit. My house street is now the new Cornelia Street. Best day ever.
We also wrote an article as soon aw we got some rest then I went into a call with lil bros but I just treated it as a podcast and memorized the unit circle.
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June 7th. I never looked at the calendar so fast. It's too soon. Everything that used to matter seems so trivial now. I found out Sirko is leaving earlier than we had anticipated. I shall be left to languish in the depths of my own sorrow in her absence. We proposed a spontaneous plan to go to Highstreets, to while away the hours in each other's company. We spoke over FaceTime for a while, and in the end, we decided to indulge in the newest Disney Plus Original, Prom Pact. We invited Ria to the call too. It's cute how this movie has started to ressurect the ever-so-loved romcoms. Quickly drove out to get food from Burger King and learned a new piano piece. I played Best by Gracie Abrams (I adore her whole being). Before the day ended, I of course, went back to coding and fixing this website.
Thank you Gracie Abrams. I didn't attend school today and just caught up on sleep. I can't stop sleeping. Got some news on my grades and I actually did so good. The one subject I taught I'd fail in was actually high (like really high). Finally update by blog so that's good. Went outside to skate in the dark. Went to look for a dress in the mall with my mom too. Got some gifts since I have a lot of parties I'm invited to. Went to look for some Pandora rings. It was a good day. Very relaxed and toned out.
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nm z cheedqdms mnsd, h vzr snn gzoox sgzs h dmcdc to bqxhmf ax sgd dmc ne sghr czx.
It took me a moment to remember why I had set my alarm for such an ungodly hour - it was my first day at the review center. I also had my cosplay convention to attend to immediately right after this review so I had to gather my resolve. I wore half my cosplay underneath my fit and I called it my sleeper cosplay build. I got there and the lessons were actually well condensed. I understood most of the concepts which was cool. We went through so many of the questions in the book. I've never fully went through an entire academic book before this. We had 2 hours of math and another 2 for Science. Science was funny because the teacher kept on having voice cracks and the friends I enrolled with couldn't contain their laughter. After class I even heard some of my classmate (who I've yet to get to know) talking about the voice cracks too. I sound so immature but I think it comes with the moment. I went with Sine to the convention and I had to change in the car. As soon as we got to the destination, I scoured the place for a bathroom so I could fix my cosplay and dye my hair blue (with glitter). Sine helped me dye it and it was so stressful. I met with Ria and Brie so we could go together. Brie was Maki Zenin and I was Inosuke. We ate first because we were all starving. I got fries. After that we went about our usual optimized route like how we usually go about it in conventions. Didn't buy much. They didn't have cool stuff. Got pictures with lots of cool people. Found my other friends there too. There's like a lot of people I know who went there so that was awesome. We had an additional friend who joined us because he lost his group. Went out the place to the local mall to eat at an Italian restaurant. People took pictures of us, I somehow convinced everyone to go to the toy store so I could look for Nerf guns... I contaminated everything with glitter. Went home, or well, not directly home. I was dropped off at another mall near my block then I was picked up so I could go home.
It was really late but I had to take a bath. The wrinkles on my fingers grew finer as I drowned myself in water but some glitter still stuck by me. I somehow managed to still play a game of Valorant with lil bros. I was so tired. I haven't rested a blink.
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nm z cheedqdms mnsd, h vzr snn gzoox sgzs h dmcdc to bqxhmf ax sgd dmc ne sghr czx.
Surprising how I didn't use today's date to my advantage. I usually do the most in April 1. This was the day DrawSomething2 was permanently removed. Sigh, I still will never get over that. I was in vc with lil bros again. We played Minecraft. Spent almost the whole afternoon CSS Battle-ing with Wacky. He was very fast. I love and hate coding. Had to go afk for a bit while my dad taught me how to drive. I was just holding the breaks honestly.
I will now use let instead of var. Wacky translated my translator code into his own and it's way better. I am learning. I love learning.
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I have the highest grade in PE too. Not that it's a competition but I really am a jack of all trades while simultaneously being a master of all. It's not something to be proud of but it makes a difference in my final average because those who I'm competing with are 10 final grade points behind me. That's a lot. I was way too active. I didn't have to play since I was already getting a hundred which was the highest possible grade but I wanted additional points since I wanted a perfect raw grade since I was only getting a hundred because I had additional points. I played and ended up playing too much. It came to the point where I was competing with the teacher. Forgive me for being a try hard. If I had the chance to get a perfect grade, I'd get it. The first two hours of this day was so exhausting that I literally did the most to clean up. There was this Taylor Swift musical made by the upper levels and it was a good concept and as much as I want to praise it, it was kind of bad.
The long awaited hang-out. We walked over to uptown and Brie walked so fast me and Ria were quite literally pleading for a quick break (and help). I totally get it. Brie was excited. I was dying but I was excited too. I took like a 2 hour nap earlier (it's not enough). We came inside the mall and met up with Tony and Wacky in the dog cafe - where the biscoff's at. They liked it! I think they did... I hope they did. It was nice. We talked about random stuff. We were far from awkward. That's good. Ria had to leave early but we still continued with our original itinerary. I was scared at the start of the excape room because we were separated but it was alright. It wasn't helping that Wacky kept on scaring me throughout it too and as someone jumpy, I fell for all of it. We were actually so good. It was satisfying opening locks after locks. We almost completed it. We finished at 99% which is lowkey depressing but also it wasn't too bad knowing the only problem why we didn't get to finish it was because we were blind. Like seriously blind not in a looking for clues way; blind in a there was an object given at the box we opened that we completely all overlooked because we didn't see it. How could we have missed it? I have no idea. We could've actually solved it so that's all that matters. I had so much fun. We had dinner afterwards at Shakeys and I swear we're the most chaotic bunch. That went on until Brie had to go. We decided to go to the arcade and play a bit. We did one of those punching thingy and I discovered I did not know how to punch. It was so bad that the machine didn't detect my punch so there was still an attempt left. When I finally did it right, I got my score and surprisingly, it was the same score as the other two got. It was rigged, yes. Another strength game we tried was that hammer game. Everybody did well. When I had my turn, Wacky handed me the hammer and as if I were in an animated film, it dropped so hard to the ground like I was an unworthy beholder of the hammer. In my defense, Wacky made it look light, so I wasn't expecting any weight. I had to leave and they dropped me off. We played a bit of Minecraft when we all got home like we didn't just spend half the day together. We watched the 1 hour video of the crying dude who was definitely something and went over the lore of that for Brie. I fell asleep.
I love being a girl. I love doing the absolute most for the subtlest details. High Statistics midterms result. Nothing much happened. Our class picture day was moved since we only had a few attendees. Basically free time. We had another event in school. I swear they're just making stuff up now at this point. Slept in school and slept after school. There's this little thing where people I know have been finding my lifeless body passed out on the floor. It's crazy how I'm a germaphobe but my sleep has no limitations. I can fall asleep anywhere. I'll wake up to people I know tagging me to an extremely zoomed in picture in their stories captioned with "dead body". It's funny. I like it. It's like a cool game. Excited for tomorrow.
Had my orthodontist appointment. Did my nails and watched The Big Bang Theory. Haven't had time to myself for quite some time. Lots of sleeping. I'm pretty much dead. I can no longer control my exhaustion. I exerted so much energy that my body is still making up for it. Called with the Ploopy people again. Cool.
Late again. We had our robotics and I swear I'm seriously drastically better than aeveryone else. I finished within like the first 10 minutes of class. I now have the ability and advantage of dismissing my group as early as possible. I was with Brie during recess and we had a fun chat. I caught her up with recent events. We had a seminar we had to attend and I slept through it. They gave us post-it notes in the beginning of the talk but it was pretty useless. They asked us to make hearts so I did. I got a guy giving me their post-it beacuse he knew I knew I could do the origami heart. I did it. He placed it at the back of his phone case. That's so cute.
Biscoff again. I went out uptown same place same time after school as usual. I found my comfort necklace! It's this blue glass heart thing. It's so perfect. I ate wings with some friends since we deserved it. The results of our tests were really high.
I played VR Chat with lil bros. Old friends. Ploopy with a couple of new aditional people. I had fun. Suepr cool.
I would like to watch The Sound of Music again. I deliberately chose to attend school at a later time today. School hasn't been particularly engaging. My friend Ria and I were fangirling over the play we had watched in the weekends and discussed its greatness. What happened Sunday was all I could talk about. We attempted to find other students from our school who had seen it, but unfortunately, we only found one other person. During the first few subjects in class, I found myself dozing off. However, I was able to enjoy a generous two-hour uninterrupted nap. On a different note, the research paper that I've been working on has ended up being 74 pages long. Sadly, it was all in vain since our teacher, who wasn't even our research teacher, was overly strict and marked up every page of our paper with red ink. He even went as far as to explain the stages of grief in his notes. Although I tried to defend my work, I later discovered that the teacher had the same negative criticism for every student's paper. I guess he has some strange complex. I got my grades back and most of them were good. I no longer care as much because of this one teacher who gives grades that are unjust. I have stopped trying. Had my first after school nap after a while. I missed that. I've been playing Valorant again. That's cool but I don't think I'll ever get into it seriously like before.
Most epic day. I don't think I can articulate this day as much. This memory is too great to be told that I fear I might butcher it if I told of it. I'll try my best. The day started off with me finishing my resaerch paper. Yes, tedious work as I internally freak out anticipating the future event. Nope. I can't write about it so I'll just write down some of the bullet points objectively. Sound of Music. I met up with Wacky and Tony. Everything went smoothly. It was also my first time meeting Wacky and surprisingly, there was no single awkward silence. Honestly the coolest dude like ever. He was my seatmate and Tony was with his family. Act 1 was super awesome. Like it was actually so good. The musical is iconic okay. I loved it so much. I'm just like Brigitta - I'm delusional. Okay, but actually, the whole cast did so well. I enjoyed every second of it and I lowkey wanted to cry when Maria left. I wanna be Maria. Maria is so cool. I'm actually in love with her. The intermission came and I talked with Wacky. I made him sign an impromptu contract because he's already watched the musical from a previous date and there's no way I'm letting him spoil it. It was a precautionary contract. I swear I'll carry this memory forever. I can't even begin to think about the post-show depression I'll experience once this is over. Act 2. I could see why Ria and Wacky both adored this more than the first act. They were both really good, okay. Once more, I almost cried. I've never seen bigger Swastika flags. It made things better knowing this was based on real people. The play ended and we took pictures of course. We live in the 21st century after all (is what I always say). Ate dinner with Tony's family and they were so nice. Wacky performed a card trick for me. It was so awesome. I'm overusing the word awesome but it really was awesome. Midway the trick we had to switch restaurants and as if the trick wasn't already impressive enough, I found the card in a table in the next restaurant we went to and when I flipped it, it was my card! I hope he never sees this but I swear he's so cool. They were all so nice. I went home and rested. Not really rest actually. I skimmed through the research paper I've been working on and revised and edited it. More proofreading until I eventually passed out. Epic day.
I am extremely sleep deprived and so I am making up for the hours of slept I lost. I am tempted to prick my dainty fingers and fall into a deep deep sleep. I've been listening to Eminem again! I used to be such a stan. Brings back a lot of memories of me listening to those slowed down lyric videos just so I could memorize the rap parts.
Played with Valorant with lil bros and I'm actually so excited for The Sound of Music tomorrow I could hardly contain it.
I have so many cuts on my fingers. I won in Kahoot again because I never once lost in class. God Cy Imagine Losing reigns. Our first subject was PE and so I obviously did every sport ever because I'm great and am a grade hog. I'm tired. All the other classes were mostly free time.
Book club day! To feed my biscoff addiction, and those I have influenced with this addiction, we went to the dog cafe that offers the ever so lovely biscoff. We talked about a lot of stuff. Again, it's easy when I'm with them. One of out topics circulated on this one teacher we had/have. She's the absolute worse that's for sure. As if being a bad teacher was horrible enough, she's also the biggest hypocrite ever. I had spicy buffalo wings and from it I give you the quote of the day: "I'm not crying because I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying beacuse these buffalo wings are so spicy." - it was.
Ria had to leave early and so Sirko and Brie helped me pick out an outfit for the musical play I'll be attending. I do this for most events. Sirko then left shortly after. I took Brie to the Lego store to look at some new stocks. I sadly did not get anything. I went to the bookstore with Brie since it was my comfort place and Brie then left. I waited for my other friend since I was dropping her off. Bought some yogurt for my mom.
I went home only to call with the same group of friends I was in a call with yesterday. I read them the Bee Movie script while they tormented in their own procrastinating hands. They must endure the consequences of doing projects at the last minute and I must give them my best moral support.
I was crying over Sirko yesterday and it was asuch a weird coincidence when I found it she also cried. She told me she missed me like how I had missed her. I don't check my messages so when I did I found out she was going through the same thing. We haven't talked in a while and now we're both experiencing a withdrawal from being apart each other. We decided to call it the Will (inside joke) Withdrawal. It's easy when I'm with my book club. They make it so easy.
Had to pass up on firing because I am chained down my bedroom desk writing a gazillion pages for my research. Life sucks.
I haven't cried in so long. My tears have been sealed up and tucked quietly inside my drawers. Today I had encountered something that pulled on my heart strings and snapped it. I started this new notebook as a form of medium to release my emotions on. I realize that I no longer have a shoulder to cry on. I can't talk to anyone. I've lost the person that I would always share all my achievements with. It's all flooding and I wish no briefly unexist. Whatever happened to the perfect life I always pretend I have? I binge ate Shakeys because I was sad. I quickly agreed to forget about all I wrote and continue on with my life.
In a late night call with other friends while they did their project until I fell asleep. I politelyu asked them to disconnect me but they neer did and I find it cute how one of them actually continued accompanying me. Atleast I wasn't alone.
No longer frantic about attending school on time. Fell asleep in class. Like another deep sleep. Did another side quest with Ria. This time we encountered this wandering NPC who appeared as thought they were lost in their path. Nothing much special today.
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Me and my brother decided that we didn't care if we got to school late today, so we just took our time and went out later than our already late usual schedule. I hate being late, but I swear school starts too early. Continuing on, it was weird because we actually made it on time. It's ironic how when we were purposely being late, suddenly the lanes cleared up. I slept for 2 hours on the classroom floor once more. I'm always in the weirdest places laid down like a corpse. It's like I can't even function properly during the day. I've been ignoring this one dude who constantly calls my name out in the hallways, as if he doesn't bad mouth me all the time. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of getting to tell people I even know him.
Something I will never drink again: school strawberry milk. I know I claimed this drink a while back... However, the last time I tried it, I'm pretty sure I got an expired one. And this time, I dropped the straw. Yes, that was on me. But regardless, too many bad experiences with it. It's not worth the risk. Me and Ria came up with a new "side quest" concept where we would help people and do their small tedious tasks for them. We got Brie food and water.
I was on a Facetime with Sirko when I got a bit emotional because of my inability to process that I'd actually be going on one of her LA tour dates with my bestfriend. The day was undemanding. Each tick of the clock went on for what seemed like forever. I did like a 3 page long narrative essay, an 8 pages long argumentative essay, and another 3 more for descriptive. I picked out a painting an recreated it through photography. Went out for dinner (we had Thai). On our way back, I finally picked my cosplay up that has been sitting in the mail. I have one more project left and I can finally rest.
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I attended a wedding. Still not a big fan of that tradition. That's fine though. I somehow found the part wherein I had to listen to the newly wed's love story origin funny. I went home and decided to play a bit of soccer. My head was already hurting as I've yet to rest after the torture I had put myself the whole midterms week, then my brother decided to teach me how to head a ball in soccer. Such a painful experience. I still have a few remaining school works to finish but I can manage that some other time.
Taylor did her first Eras Tour date.
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Easy. Midterms were easy. Or at least, the one that I thought was going to be a easy turned out to be a nightmare. And the one that I thought was going to be difficult was actually quite manageable. I can finally take a breather.
Went uptown with friends just to relieve us from the stress of midterms. Biscoff. My cousing form Japan visited us. That's cool.
There's this one dude who sent me this IG reel and it was about whether or not I was worth pursuing because I was that dry. I can't reply. I'm too busy studying. I forgot I was a leader in some school projects and actually fell asleep early instead of doign extra work.
See from how comically dramatic I have been this past week, you'd think that I'd be studying first thing after exams right... Well, no. I got tickets with Wacky for the musical we've been anticipating. Well, he has already watched it but it's just that good! We had some trouble securing the tickets... As the most indecisive twins, we simply were unable to decide which seats to get. It was fun though. Really really awesome experience. Wacky is an actual cool person.
So, you might wonder, how did you do on your tests? It actually went better than I thought. I didn't study for Statistics and it was so easy I'm expecting a perfect grade. Actually, not so perfect... but atleast close to it. Science was so easy. Everything I studied for was in the paper.
New study technique: Stand up when I feel sleepy. Another teacher added like 40 book pages more for the test. Very unepic. Manageable.
Tomorrow looms ahead of me, heavy with the weight of impending midterms. 2 of my teachers, randomly decidided to add 8 pages, and another set of 16 pages worth of new condensed material for us to study. That's more that what we've learned for the whole term. All in the span of less than a few hours before midterms. I cannot possibly learn all this new information. The first teacher hosted this Zoom meeting so he could do like a quick crash course. I fell asleep since he was practically whispering it. I went out to the same cafe I did yesterday with Sine and another friend and we stayed for another 10 hours or so. It was a very stressful time. Midway through studying, I accepted that all I could do was try my best because I physically could not memorize everything. I did everything I could. My dad picked me up and on the car ride way back, tears started falling down. I sobbed and my dad comforted me. He told me he was proud. He told me he knew how hard I was studying and if I was struggling, my classmates would be too... therefore a curve will occur.
As I continued crying, I received a message. Brie told me thank you and that she loves me. She said she felt more studious because of me. She started studying like how I do it. She told me it was effective. That made me cry so hard. I was giving up but I didn't notice how I've been helping in motivating those who surround me. I haven't eaten in to long because I've been too busy. I don't eat much in default but it gets so exponentially worse during midterms and finals season. I got this.
Plethora of tests. I did well. I am proud of myself. When the clock struck noon, I made my way to my group's usual spot and I fell asleep on the staircase. I apparently looked like a dead body. I got messages from my friends asking if it were me. I am tired.
I cannot afford rest. After class, I went to a cafe with Sine to study (for 10 hours) and the day just seemed to stretch on endlessly. I need to study for I am the only one to be held on accountable for the results of my upcoming midterm tests.
They released the new real retractable lightsaber. I got the news from Tony. I didn't sleep as well as I had hoped. I am experiencing horrible fatigue. Today was a long and arduous day. I had to undergo a series of tests, all of which I performed well in. Yet, despite my success, I cannot help but feel as though something is amiss. Perhaps it is the lack of sleep that is affecting me. Or maybe it is the nagging feeling that I am not living up to my full potential.
Tony came to notify that he had tried my very epic biscoff drink recommendation. He said it was really good and approves of it. I have once again accomplished my duty. I fell asleep because I couldn't study anymore.
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Every few time increments in my study sessions, I sleep. Whenever I wake up, I feel the most painful, gut wrenching pain ever. It's a struggle because I need to sleep in between or else I wouldn't retain any information. I need a way to fix this.
It's my grandma's 87th birthday today and I want to miss it because I need to study. I've always been detached from my family. I searched up my emotionally distressing symptom on Google (my bestfriend) on why I feel so indifferent towards my family then I came across this metaphor about a piggy bank. I admit, it's a very lame thing to analogize however, it makes perfect sense. Basically, love for your family is like a piggy bank. Each time they give you love, you get a coin. Each time they berate you, you lose a coin. SO if you're looking at your piggy bank empty, that's ebcause they took more than they deposited. So their absence made me indifferent.
I ended up going to the party. I isolated myself in a room and studied. Atleast I showed up.
My parents actually raised me quite well. I have this very vivid memory of my elementary teacher I once had asking our class if we came from rich families (it's messed up, I know), andI didn't really know what t o answer. I went home that day and asked my mom if we were rich. She responded with "We're rich with love". I think that moment kept me a humble person. I go to a private school and have all the luxury. The fact that my mom didn't tell our financial state back when I was a child makes me feel good. I got to have a proper childhood in a way.
A big chunck of my childhood was Growtopia. I remember waking up everyday jsut to play it. I have memories that makes it seem like I actually lived there. That's pretty awesome. I don't regret it. I think about this now because my oldest childhood friend (online but still oldest), liked a photo I posted on my stories (I never post on my main). I got a girl who I realy admired because she's so pretty calling me pretty too. That was a cute interaction.
My original plan was to study immediately when I get home. I ended up textng guys I had 0 interest in. I'm not leading anyone on, I made it clear I don't like them.
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I met out with Sirko to study. We originally wanted to stay in Starbucks but it was so full that we had to move over to Krispy Kreme. I did a quick skim through my other subjects then focused more on Statistics. Sirko needed my helps so we did a bunch of practices. She pulled out one of her test papers and I told her it had an error. As two very annoying people who torments their teacher every chance we could get, we messaged them and ended up getting her deserved score. Oh she brought a disposable camera with her. We took pictures. Her sister was there and her boy bestfriend. We kind of thirdwheel-ed it. No detailed story can explain how comfortable I feel around Sirko.
I Dare You - The Regrettes. I posted like the best photos I've possibly ever taken of myself. Yeah.
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Spent the first half of my morning filming a piano cover and then editing it on iMovie so I could add those captions things. I find it funny. I Facetimed with Sirko for the whole day again. I think I am greatly attached to her. There was this scissors that randomly appeared in my desk. I reached out to it and the next thing I knew was that I had bangs. See, in my defense, Sirko was enabling me. We were productive the whole day. I'm saying I was too because I helped her in her resaerch. I love writing stuff for resaerch so much. I did other progresses on my other projects too so I guess that counts. Back to me cutting my hair, I freaked out at the time of the thing but I slowly acquired the taste and now I actually think it looks good.
Regrettably not as productive as I wanted to be. I am writing this Sirko journal because it recently just hit me. I learned Fight or Flight in the piano because this day had no single agenda. Played with Ploopy once again. Whenever I play with them, all the senses of comfort I once had in the old times we spent together comes back. I think that's awesome. I played Valorant with them and it was actually fun. I don't really play that game anymore so I know how badly I did. Good thing they didn't get mad because I could've sworn I acted like I was trolling; I wasn't trolling. Then we played volleyball in Roblox. That was also great.
The last call lasted until like really late at night and you'd think I would've went to sleep after that... but no. I got it into another call and I played chess with a friend. I don't know how he could even put up with me but he could and he did.
I am once again found inside a hospital. I got my stuff checked out. I am sick. They offered some pill but I knew the side-effects of those pills. I refuse to take them. I went home and finally decided on a cosplay. I bought my Inosuke (gender bent) and it should arrive in about a week's time. I did some more coding. I audiobooked a new book and it Oedipus Rex by Sophacles. The plot was very interesting. About this dude who had a prophecy of him killing his dad and marrying her mom. He couldn't go against his fate in the end. It was weird. But aren't all Greek stories weird. The theme of it was on free will and fate. Now that I'm thinking about it, didn't Sigmund Freud make this theory called Oedipus Complex? I made a Lego gun and wanted to install some Arduino into it. I ended up not doing that because the time contrains all my desires. Instead of Facetiming with Sirko as per usual, I was actually with another group of friends.
Exaclty like me (this is very out of context).
I studied the whole day. I still have it in me. I Monkeytyped in the middle of my study sessions. My current goal is to reach 150wpm. I can only do only around 110wpm. I Facetimes with Sirko the whole day and skipped classes while making an 8x8 LED Matrix with arduino. I gave up on that one then just started a new project with LCDs. I used the LCD1602 with I2C module for Arduino.
I really appreciate the recent daily calls I've been having with Sirko. I like it when she updates me on the most trivial stuff like her new Skims dress arriving in the mail or what not. I think it's very wholesome.
In school classes were suspended insteaad we were forced to attend an online one. I tried studying at home. I need to study. I am distracted and this is not the best scenario. I slept throughout the whole afternoon. I am sick. I had 2 people confessing to me today. The recent events has never been what I had anticipated. An eventful week but not in a good way. It is all very sudden and all I want is my time back. I don't get how they could like me when they barely even know me. Too bad. I do not wish to associate with them in any way shape or form.
This one dude was messaging me until like 3AM. All I wanted was sleep. I woke up to more DMs from random guys. I do not wish to receive them. This made me realize I really only like one person. I want Steven! I went to a Thai resto and their food was good. Today was jsut me replying to messages when I didn't really ask for them. This was an ego boost but at the same time a new tedious job. The only people I genuinely want to talk to are those in my reconcs6 account. I love them wholly.
Another orthodontist appoinment. I came with my baby brother and apparently his teeth was too clean. Like too white. I wish I had his problem. I've been doing magic tricks for my baby brother too and he's completely eating up everything I do. I like that I'm the one who got him to believe in magic. It was fun for a solid few hours until I ran out of tricks and he started demanding for more. It's nice to hear him absolutely lose it and laugh so much. I now understand why Howard Wolowitz loves magic so much. I mean I've always loevd it too but I never really had an audience.
Called Brie on Facetime while I got ready for the party. I got a of attention in social media because I posted something. I enjoy attention and compliments. They're shallow but... I'll take it. I ran late and Brie did too somehow. Ria ran later though. I got closure with this one dude that I thought hated me. He never actually did hate me I just like overthinking and putting my expectation low for every person I meet. It's smart because then I'd try my best to always try to please them and I end up becoming the nicest person ever. The dude called my name a lot and it felt like a lift off my shoulder knowing he's actually chill with me. This is platonic by the way... I need to clarify that because he's one of those really cool people you'd meet in a life time. I met many people. My other friend didn't like that a few dudes were hitting on me. I didn't like it either. They are stupid. I vomitted from drinking so much water because I didn't like that I drank alcohol. I wanted to flush it out of my system because I was really only pretending in the party. This much socialiaztion will definitely drain me for a week or two.
I also aced PE. I broke my nail so that was terrible. I don't get how I can be so athletic when I'm literally weak and scrawnny. It's insane how I can do good at everything I do. I still practice but I swear I don't get how other people just can't put enough trust on themselves. I trust myself so much in being able to achieve everything that it's actually starting to personify. Sirko was sick so she didn't come to school today. A package I did order came in her house (I have way too many packages home...) and her sister gave it to me during her free period. Ria was very hysterical. Kind of like how I get whenever I got a bad grade on an assignment. She had boy problems.
Me, Brie, and Ria decided to go and hunt for a gift for this dude who invited us to his party. I already had a gift so I really was just tagging a long. It wasn't long until I decided I needed new clothes too. I made both of them try out my drink (Biscoff) and they couldn't even deny how good it was. After Brie had left, I ate at KFC with Ria and used a fork to eat soup. Overall an awesome day.
I finished some projects within a short span of time and I find satisfaction in being better than everybody else. A friend of mine once more listed all the stuff I'm great at and they told me they always wonder "What can't Cy do?". It's awesome how I present myself so well. Obviously I acknowledge that I'm not the best at everything. It still does take a great feat in making sure I am a very well-rounded individual. I'm glad people notice and point it out.
Here's a very unnecessary information: Ria gave me a plastic fork.
Distance has gone between me and Sirko. The fates have been separating us! We decided to Facetime the whole day to catch up. I also needed someone to accompany while I was studying so there's that. I started studying the moment I got up and showered. It was bird chirping early. I have this huge test (every test is huge for me, to be fair) coming up tomorrow so I really had to get my stuff together. Around 12 noon, I remembered I needed to line up on TicketMaster for this Anime Cosplay Convention tickets. I was 7 minutes late because even though I waited early, it sooner or later slipped my mind and became too absored in my studies. I ate Popeyes and it's surprising because I rarely eat real food whenever I'm studying. Maybe I wasn't studying as much as I wanted to. I consumed an hour for my cosplans. The day went on with Sirko and my study time. 12 sessions for 8 hours of studying. With James Scholz once more and I just have to say, this dude is saving me so much.
My classmates are so slow that I built two Arduino projects while they were stuck with one complaining how theirs wouldn't work. I am way too good. They had grouping and I was alone. I am writing this with pettiness but I do not care. The skill difference is insane. I shouldn't act like this but I can't help it because they left me alone. That doesn't justify anything and the only explanation to why I'm acting like this is really just because I'm a petty person.
I love our English teacher. She really redeemed herself. I am glad I am no longer anxious in attending her class but now I am of Science. How weird is that.
I broke a Rubik's Cube in class today because I was speedcubing. I'm too cool for anyone. Sirko also messaged me this picture of Lily Chee and told me I looked so much like her so that's an ego boost worth mentioning. She's been saying that for the past 3 years and I'm taking it and running. I do get compliments but as I've already said in the past (I think I've said it before), I can't differentiate genuine compliments from flattery.
Just when I thought I couldn't possibly be later than the last time I was late, I am late again. I almost went to school in my pajamas but my mind is not wired like that and functionign without a shower is impossible for me. I got ready within like 5 minutes and ran out the door. My brother despite my panicked state however, was still slower than I was. Luck was on my side and I somehow made it in time. I don't remember how that even was possible to be honest... Every subject had a test. I studied for everything. Excep one... one who hasn't finished his lesson nor warned us beforehand. The dude went out his way to gaslight the entire class into thinking he announced it but he really didn't. My score was still high if we consider the curve, but it's still a fail for me. We will be having a supplementary test next meeting and best know I will study more than I did yesterday. I surprisingly did aextra well on this one subject I was nervous on. She gave us the perfect test ever. It's basically a blank paper and you have to explain her given prompts. You know who else memorizes entire lessons word per word? Me.
There is an unbearable weight in not knowing.
When I say "I can die happily" at given times, I think that I really could because I live life quite greatly. My application of meaning to life is basically doing my best at everything and gaining the most skills and hobbies I could ever acquire. A friend of mine argued taht I was just doign it as some kind of Shiny Object Syndrome but I really beg to differ. The fact that his goal way to linear make me think that he want an uptight life. I totally respect it; however it's not me. One can suffer all he want and wait for the long term gratifications but if you don't balance that with short term ones, when are you really going to have fun? How can you say you can die at any given times? I think I have the optimized living to the fullest life. I love myself so much for being the way I am.
Brie accompanies me for my free times and it's so sweet.
I coped with a glass of milk and cookies because I'm failing Science. Then I called with Sine, then Brie, then studied for 3 hours.
More study sessions. I did like 12. That's 8 hours of studying. I think I prefer the classic analog stuff when I'm over digital but at the same time I love everything technology. Maybe I just like the simplicity of things. I made an Instagram account with all my practice tests, Google Docs note, reminders, and every academic related thing and it's super epic. I certainly do take a liking to organization too.
I love those instances when my brother just enters my room to show me his art stuff that he's passionate about. It's so whoelsome but I can't help but seel sad since next year he's going into college then I'm next... Talked with Austin and he told me I was an epic friend! Nice to hear. I also got so many compliments today out of nowhere. It's honestly quite strange. Got a random invite to a party. I shall halt my studies for taht day and be a normal teenage kid.
Another Nefer appreciation star! She's so awesome.
This day was nothing much particularly special unlike all the days I've lived. Woke up to finish my reviewe and started studying along side James. I'm also doign the Pomodoro btu instead of a timer it's a stopwatch. I studied and slepton repeat. On one of my break times, I decided I needed a new upgrade and ordered a new one online. Me and Brie had a little call session and we talked aboujt my series of traumatizing worst experiencts with people. It really explains why I have the worst social anxiety ever. Also relistened to the entire Hamilton (with some skips) track with her.
I played Roblox again! I haven't been playin it because of school and all. I reunited with those old mutual of mine. I forced my friend group to watch every Youtube video this dude I like has. Everybody agrees this dude is like me. From the hobbies, the humor, the video editing style, they, I quote, even said "Why is that actually Cy". Even the excessive hand gestures! How can a person be so perfect? I rechecked my contracts and fixed some stuff. Slept for a bit before writing my diary. I'm not sure if I've already mentioned James Scholz here but I saw that he has been trying out meditating and I don't know how but he's somehow convincing me. Did a list for the world's safest replies that would work even if you're not listenin to the person you're talking to. I think it's useful.
I didn't study as much today and instead I decided that the best thing to do at that moment was to continue my "Why You Chould Play Chess With Me" google slides.
I made one small blunder during my math test. I've only realized it after passing my paper and have contemplated about it a bit more. It's just one mistake but it wasn't a mistake my mind made. I knew the right answer. Since we didn't get to finish the test, I'm hoping it doesn't get checked so I can still change my answers. I have all the questions memorized anyway. Science period, I didn't understand a single thing. I didn't even try. I crumpled up pieces of paper and drew circles position like cup pongs. I played paper cup pong for 2 hours straight.
Watched this very cringey, coming of age, romcom movie with my Book Club and I critiqued the entire movie but simultaneously cried for the characters. It's been a while since the last time we hung out as a whole. To be completely honest, one of our friend who is usually gone, I feel is now gone forever. It's an intuition I have. See, normally, I understand when my friends just go off social media. We are all very healthy in the group and I love how w've developed our system. But I firmly believe that this time is different. Nonetheless, I understand completely.
Before I went to sleep last night, I wrote Sirko two letters and inserted it in the book gift I got her. Today’s the day where she gets to have pretty and delicious pastries and blow out candles. I came over to her house since she was hosting this dinner where all of her favorite people - which makes three - are going to gather. I went up to her room while we waited for the others and I gave her the gift. She showed me her cake and it was so awesome. She had a folklore themed one! We ate at a Japanese restaurant and talked so much. We grabbed coffee and sat out the park to chat more before parting our ways. I think this is the best way to celebrate a birthday. It’s not something with a full on itinerary and a list of fun activities to do but just the quality time spent with your favorite people.
I kept on waking up at random times in the middle of the night. Ot was especially worse at around 3AM when I'd wake up every 10 minutes. I think that came from my study habit conditioned body where I take my ten minute naps inbetween studies or do intervals of 10 minutes so I can trick my brain into thinking I've slept for longer. Math was okay. I wanna say I did well but I'd pretty sure I made a mistake. I coded a lot in class in my phone. Pretty awesome right? I used Code Swift and it actually had quite the few fun excercises. I main Javascript so I was relatively new to Python. It was great. I played chess with some of Ria's friend but I had a class to ctach and didn't get to finish my match. Luckily, somebody subbed and won for me. I did great in accounting. I bought Robux for a friend in mine as this random spontaneous decision in class. I was bored, okay.
Since it's Sirko's birthday tomorrow, we went out together with Ria to my favorite dog cafe. I finally managed to maek them taste my biscoff drink. I'm claiming that drink. I'm sorry. I just love hanging out with them. Riatold us about this thing she came across saying that everybody knows someone who's connected to everyone. She pointed out that I was that friendfor her. Same with Sirko. How do I have the friendliest charm ever? I have no idea.
Slept after school because this day was draining but at the same time well fulfilled with the blanket-like comfort of my friends.
Good monring. I've been coming to school with chocolates on my deask. That is very epic. I won more of those Kahoot stuff for school. It was a grammar and punctuations test. I'm really good. I am always in the top places. I played chess with two - technically one - of Ria's classmates and I didn't really get to finish the game, but the dude who substituted for me won. I was so nervous that my fingernails were digging through my palm.
My Arduino Uno kit is here!!!!!!!! I sadly need to study for tomorrow so I could not even open my kit. I put it on a table to let it sit and collect dust for now. It's beside my oil painting stuff. I am sorry my dearest hobbies. I must study. I am a study machine. I haven't been playing much of chess.
I am coding once more. My website is so great. It's a ton better and I like that. Studied more while in a call with Brie. I wish to slowly implement rules into my life. I'll start with dropping all my electronics by 10PM. I'm doing a Cy Life documentation in my private stories to motivate my frineds and also because I am hilarious. I used the ascend.mp3 music in the background of every posts and I might actually have a crack in my brain because it's so funny. Studied, ate ribeye, fuxed mybag, studied, took my 4th shower, eat again (but samgyeopsal), study, go to sleep.
I sit motionless in my chair is solitude. The font in this site is not displaying properly. I realized that I actually was just brain dead last night because the reason why I couldn't fix the errors was because I was editing the wrong file. No matter how much I stayed u for last night, it was all in vain. It's ironic because I just saw this one video online that talked about how if he could start programming or coding again, he's get sleep because it's like some kind of Senzu Beans for them. He was right. I coded quite a lot and fixed eveyrthing. It was all quite simple really. I think I needed that. I managed to improve my wesite and add so many more cool modifications. I also organized it a bit so it's a lot cleaner now. It's hard to organize them because I improved drastically in the making of this website and I wihs I could remake this but it's too time consuming and I've grown quite attached to its little imperfections.
I went furniture shopping but couldn't find anything interesting. I should get the Ikea bookshelves. Got pizza, studied, read, and slept.
Came to school early to play Minecraft and Roblox. I was dreading P.E. but I forget I'm a very athletic person and was in varsity. I got a perfeft mark in my volleyball drill tests. I think I got the highest score (the actual varsities were exempted to be fair). I no longer fear P.E. because it's actually super fun. Sirko did my nails during club and I kept on runing it. I was offered my chocolates but I had to decline. At the end of the day, I had to remove the nail polish because it was in ruins. I'll repaint it some other time. I took a 5 hour after school nap! That's longer than the sleep I get during the night time. Before the day ended, I looked at my website and to my consternation it's in absolute shambles. Google Chrome hates me and my biggets fear took form. I tried fixing it but nothing was working and I couldn't figure out why. I slept wiht a heavy chest.
Today the Valentines madness resumes. I gave out my chocolates, people gave me theirs. Brie got me and Ria this crocheted flower and we contrapted this cool thing so it would stay in our hair by tying it along the temples of our glasses. Great day to be blind. I wired my credit card into my phone and bought Minecraft PE and since we had quite the vacant times, we played. Found out my mom is going into some surgery. Depression. Somebody asked me in school today whether I could do this certain talent. A friend of mine came up and explicitely said that I can do anything and that made my heart felt so light because I love being noticed. I consider myself a humble person but I can admit for myself and acknowledge all my talents because I genuinely learn all those. Given that I do learn quickly... I still practice a lot. This is why I only want a few people in my life. I only want those who knows how to appreciate. I wanna be seen. Back to my after school naps.
My body has always been the weakest but at the same time have the fastest recovery system ever and it gets kind of confusing at times. I am fully well now. Not exactly. See, I'm in the hospital to get some tests ran by. Reasons why are my period that comes every two weeks, I am an anemic person, and because I was sick yesterday. I got more blood tests, syringes, incisions, I hate my life. I went back home because the ultrasound needed certain requirements. Found out I don't have cancer so yay. I will however be getting cancer vaccines soon. I'm gonna try my best to prolong it because they hurt and I'm busy. Had another horrible interaction with the humans. This is why I hate public area and why I'm terrified of everyone. People have no regards for others. I won't detail out the story but long story short, humans are self-absored. They said sorry after realizing their mistake but as someone with social anxiety, I will be crying about this for days. I went to the bookstore again. I picked up my book that I preordered - The Journals of Sylvia Plath one. Hopefully I can write effortlessly like her someday.
Watched a bunch of Arduino tutorials while I was stuck in the webs of anticipation. Also, I am sick. Illness fit fell suddenly. I do not like dirty gray skies. Each hour is a conquest. My dad got a porsche and decided to take us out for family dinner as a died in the most excruciating way. It was also my brother's girlfriend's first time having dinner with us. All I could think about was the huge bunch of circuits I had coming in the mail. I want to make some healthcare robot because I swear I'm going to die.
Needed a headshot for my college requirements. It's honestly terrifying how time just slips by. I bought chocolates for valentines once more. I have a lot friends. I read a book as I usually do, I discovered this new word: Cynosure. It means a person or thing that is the center of attention or admiration. I want to become god. I want to be the cynosure of all. I stayed up late a vomitted twice.
It suddenly dawned on me that I have yet to actually program and actually make a physical robot (besides those I've done in my robotics class because those aren't mine though they are technically intellectual property in a sense). I scoured the internet (I did one quick search) for a programmable open-source microcontroller board and settled on the Arduino Uno. With no further thoughts, I quickly bought my very first set. I can't wait to program actual robots. Of course, I'd have to practice on some of the basics and work my way up first, but it shouldn't be a problem because I already have prior knowledge on all this. Besides, I'm a genius, remember? I did some regular stuff and was told that we had to go out to dine tonight. I slept for a bit before actually getting ready to go out. I am tired. A little life update, my mom has been making us these chocolate frappes and I love them so much (that's in addition to the fruits she brings because I'm Asian). She always has those phases of like stuff she does and it's actually quite nice. The frappe thing probably happens like for a week or two every 2-3 months I believe. I bought more canvas and some pallete knife because I do want to start my oil painting already. God if only I weren't so busy. We ate at a Japanese Resto and just did stuff. Around midnight I played Jackbox Party Pack 9 with Ploopy again! In Junktopia, I remember making Dodo Brush, in Roomerang, there was this one friend taht was targetted and got kicked out every round. It was the most hilarious thing ever. Fibbage proved how terrible I lie... but then I actually started becoming good so atleast I'm gaining skills from having a weird amount of liar friends (not from the book club just to get that out there). Nonsensory was awesome, then Quixort was totally awesome (we won) too.
Had my usual orthodontist appoinment. I went out with Sirko because of how the recent events have been unraveling. It's really difficult to be alone.
Will day. I mad sure to bring 2 books in my tote bag. One is a short book and the other is for when I don't feel like reading a short book. We met up and went to the bookstore to look for a new interesting book. I was just here yesterday so I already knew I wasn't going to find anything. I was still searching every corner of the shelves because it was a big bookstore and you never know. I wanted to make Sirko try out my absolute favorie drink I talk about every single day at this dog cafe but it was so full thatwe ended up just resorting to Starbucks. We ate at Shake Shack and instead of reading my books which I carefully picked out this morning, we chatted and gossiped. We walked around and talked some more, went to an art store to buy oil painting materials. Made plans for a next hangout! Painting! Before we got home we sat out at this bench place. It's pretty there. I went home and so did she. It was an amusing day but it did not end there.
I somehow had some conserved energy left in me. I played Jackbox with Ploopy (my old, original friend group)! We did the Murder Party first and I lost. I was terrified and jumpy because I am an easily scared person. We had a little break time and my friends took that time to make me play this survey Roblox game. I was screaming so much and was so scared expecially with that one knocking sound effect at the end because my bedroom door is also located to my left. I streamed it and everybody could tell how often I was alt tabbing and how I refused to look at the monitor. We played Quipplash and I lost, Tee K.O. where I made the coolest designs but still lost. There was this one image that everyone was fighting over who drew only for us to find out it was Jackbox. It was the funniest image. The Didn't ask tee was our favorite followed by my Don't Do it tee. We also did Guesspionage and the facts were very interesting. I enjoyed everything. We played Jstris too then when Ria and Brie left, I was told so many elaborate stories of what I had missed in our times not talking. It was most especially about this one dude who shall never be named and the call took 5 more hours ending at around 5AM.
Nobody came to school. A few did, I was one of the few. I was 2 hours late but then quickly left after I felt the qualms that resides in the school grounds. I went to the mall with Sine and agreed to not speak on this matter. I checked on the new Hogwarts Legacy for PS5 and it was sold out. I preordered a Sylvia Plath book (got a bad encounter with an old lady in line), got some Valentines stuff, and did my groceries. If this isn't retail therapy, I don't know what is. Upon my arrival home, I received news on what has happened in the school which I had previously left. Apparently they hosted a counseling seminar and the horrible part about it is how the dude told them to not feel how they feel because it's not that deep and although one 1 died, there are 99 left. Good thing I dismissed myself early.
Perhaps I am in need of rewiring a thousand synapses in my brain. I'm reading romance again and we all know that's not good.
The gravity has now doubled. Someone committed suicide in our school. This is too sensitive and heavy for me to speak on. I knew to whole story because of some associations. I knew the detailed story. I cried when I received my brother's text.
I was reading the Communist Manifesto for a bit while eating my cereal breakfast when a package came in. I got a new phone! It's the Iphone 14 Pro Max. Thanks mom. I was helping my friend through a break up so I made sure that I wasn't too occupied so I can be a good available friend.
I am now officially declaring my alarm clock as useless. I woke up and the panic couldn't even register in my brain. I started taking the fastest shower and got straight to the car almost faster than the duration an average person might take holding their breaths. I was late to class again. I am always late but this time, I was really really late. I understand the whole taking your time thing if you're going to be late anyway, but see I am a very diligent student who goes to school to actually study and listen to the lecture. We had robotics and we were doing some basic Arduino stuff and everyone sucked. I finished everything faster than I did my morning routine today. That says a lot. See, I wouldn't be so conceited right now if I were grouped with my class friend group but I was alone. It was randomly picked but everybody knows how petty I am. Rest assured though (for my own self-esteem), the first activity we had proved how much better I am than all of their brain cells combined. I've been coding and programming for a few years now, yes there's a disadvantage. However, if they were more like me, they'd totally learn how to code during their free times too. In cocnlusion, I am better.
I helped Ria in emulating this elaborate plan we had to get her crush to notice her. It involved us going to where he usually sits during lunch time and me having an untied shoelaces so Ria could do it for me and we could stop just where his peripherals meets our position. It was unsuccessful because Ria was very jittery and she ended up looking at her crush instead of helping me. Recently our book club has been having lunch together and it's one of the best things ever. Before the day ended I got a compliment on how I looked saying I look straight out of the You Belong With Me music video.
The time finally came. Brie had the recording. If you don't have any prior knowledge about this recording I mention, it's basically a confrontation that happened in a school parking lot because there's this one girl who has been lying to her entire 9 member group of friends making up this really hard to believe person. Long story short, she lied more saying he was half real and half not. What does that even mean? I have no idea. It was an hour long and it had more stuff in it but I don't want to get into details anymore. Best believe that everything was just absurd and it was very obvious that her lies were starting to become half-assed in the most spontaneous, unplanned way possible. It sucks because even after all she has done, her friend group is choosing to stay and console her.
I woke up to a lot of new messages. I managed to make a new friend too. I was called a talented drunk since apparently I got the things that you're not supposed to get during your first time drinking but it takes experience. I helped my brother paint again for his valentines gift. Calling Brie has become part of my nightly routine and it reminds me of the good old days. I wanted to do math but turns out I'm already done. Today was a rest day.
I have a new word. It's not really new, but right now I'm overusing it and I just love how it rolls off my tongue. People. I love the word people. I am now officially claiming that word. Hello people. My entire body is under excruciating pain. I went out to the mall to do some girl stuff before the party. I did a Beabadoobee inspired makeup look! I called Sirko while I was getting ready and got a few consultations it was cool. The party was epic. I made so many new friends and I was given so many handles. I did a syringe shot and 5 more normal ones. It was vodka and it's actually my first time experiencing a mobile bar. I didn'treally get drunk. Maybe a bit but that's really it. I met this one insufferable girl who was in the same table as I was and let's just say I decided to be quiet for half the night. Damian was also at my table and they asked me how I was. It was sweet of him to even notice. Later on, I told Sirko about the girl and she knew it wasn't like me to hate and she's such a great counterpart because she immediately got it. She was always the one to point out any social stuff because she reads Jenny Han and I read Shakespeare. The table arrangement itself was weird since my friend's ex thing was there and he kept on asking about my bestfriend. I got home and played Minecraft and that was around like 2am. I just really wanted to prove that I wasn't intoxicated or anything.
Losing sleep for praise is so worth it. We had volleyball for our very first class and it was tiring for sure. I scraped my knees too so that's horrible. The rest of the classes were just free times and you'd think I would've slept but I was very energetic. Our third and last class was accountancy and justbefore it ended I was shaking so hard because I almost got a mark off. Club was alright since I'm with Sirko and Lane. Sirko walked me home and waited for me which was sweet. I went to the mall and bought stuff. Signed some documents for this company and I was elected as a treasurer so that's cool. Played Minecraft with Brie and then shortly after, I somehow convinced her to film a thrist trap so she did a live get ready with me and it was so pretty.
Before ringing down the curtains, I just hope the people I am refering to don't see this but here comes... I appreciate you guys so much. We had a falling out, you guys gave me trust issues, but know taht part of me will always love you people and wish that things were different.
Bright suns! The book club is complete-ish! They are very peaceful and I like it. It was very interesting to study some of the paintings my dad actually owns. Our classes has been quite serene and it's weird that I'm not stressing over anything. I played chess with a friend and won. I was starving the entire day and actually felt hunger. I don't usually feel hunger ever. I wanted the biscoff but my luck wasn't working. I went and got a full meal at Mcdonalds and some Starbucks drink. I came home to more food in the table. THere was pizza, velvet cupcakes, more fries, pasta, and just about all the food I loved. I ate everything and have never felt fuller. At night time my brother asked for my help on this painting he was doing for his girlfriend. Simultaneously, I did my accounting homework and it was hard because we had to do it manually - pen and paper manually. I played Minecraft to take a break and it was actually helpful because after the quick gameplay, I managed to finish my paper in one last attempt.
I was assembling the PS5 and posted a story about the plastic circular thingy at the bottom of it and talked about how I struggled removing it. My friend swiped up and we had a good chat. I showedthis website to him and I swear I cried because of the appreciation I received. He even looked for every singleeaster egg hidden in this website. That included the Star Wars poster in one of the graphics! He clicked everything and decoded all the codes! That's so cool of him to be honest. This is an appreciate the appreciation post now. This ended around like quarter to 3am and I my school starts early so I did not even sleep.
I was on the fitting room for hours. Normally I'd spend inside any stores for a second getting which ever piece of clothing my eyes catches because I just have a sense of what looks cool. This time however, nothing was looking right. I had to reward myself with a book after that exhausting dress fitting. Sure, maybe it was an excuse to buy more books. It was.
Ria has been watching her guy thing kill dodo bird (Ark) and code which is literally our thing. Lane also now has a boyfriend and she spends so much time playing chess with him when I'm way better. I am glad that my friends are happy. I just like acting dramatic because emotions are great when over exaggerated. I still believe that these men only have a fragment of my talent and they'll never be better than me.
I joined a Minecraft server with my school friends and I kept dying that I told them tha I really was just playing Dumb Ways to Die but in Minecraft. I swear I'm good at the game. I just can't seem to find the perfect balance between being a try hard and enjoying the game. I also feel like the server won't last so I find it a waste of time and it's really holding me back. I am not okay.
My pathological liar friend is at it again. I've mentioned her here in the blog in another name but I swear it sucks because it really messes with my brain. I don't think I'll ever bring this up again but I swear she just has these episodes when she feels the need to create a whole new elaborate lie for fun.
My brother watched this really scary video clip and came into my room in the middle of the night to sleepover and I swear I got no sleep.
Bright suns! I continued playing chess in the early hours and finished the 11th season of The Big Bang Theory. I was famished and for once I was consuming as much food as my hypothalamus needed. I was very animated the whole day. The rest of it was me purely coding. I added new stuff to this website. It's end of the month so I figured I needed to finish up my concept design for the Time Capsule page. It felt good finally being able to erase my sketch off of my whiteboard after I fully coded everything. I gossiped with Nefer through DMs and found some information that makes me rethink some of the new friendships I've gained. Thanks Nefer! I also talked to Sirko and immediately after the chat I learned The Glue Song on my guitar. Before going to bed, I was randomly invited into a public Minecraft SMP with some friends from school and I gave it a shot. I was panicking a bit because I didn't really know know anyone. I'd say I handled that situation quite well. I continued playing until the server shutted down. Then talked with another friend until like 3AM. We made this secret language and it's pretty awesome.
Do I ever win when I play chess by myself? I win and lose so therefore I lose. I played chess for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I had a game with my brother's girlfriend and won. I like chess a lot. I've been winning consecutively. I fixed my calendar and filled it up with new review center schedules. I am afraid I might not have that much time for chess once school starts again. I practiced a few chess openings from the database and coded at the end of the day.
The realm I enter whenever I have my headphones on will always be incomparable. I read a bit then played some chess. Created this logo commission and was once more reminded about this section of a book to be published that I was given the rights to write my own contents on. Played soccer outside and practiced my kicks. The sun was beaming but the house's shadow was ideally blocking it creating the perfect playing field. I took my second shower after quite a while of non-stop playing. Got ready to go out and eat. Went to this Japanese Restaurant and the whole ambiance of this day in general was just soothing so it was great. I wanted to have some energy so I went to the nearest Starbucks and got a nice cup of iced mocha. This energy was then used for further late-night soccer practice. When that whole thing was over, I got ready for bed and played chess.
Before going to sleep though, I got a message from Brie saying they finally confronted their little pathological liar friend. How nice is that? Spoiler alert though, she excused her lie with another lie. If I were her actual friend knowing she's literally disturbingly making up things, I would not let this pass. Personally, I think I'm the pettiest person to ever exist.
Our official time was at like 3PM so I took my time in the morning. I read a bit, played, then suddenly I was hurrying because of reasons. It was a very stressful first few hours. When I got to school I dropped off at the wrong gate and took the long way route to were I was supposed to be meeting Sirko. This school or university is extremely big because it's well known and god was that walk around exhausting. My mind was definitely not in the right place. When I got into the gate I originally intended to go to, I sat at my spot and pulled out a pocket chess board. I played by myself and won against myself. Sirko did my nails while we rested because she had a stressful morning too. I also ran into a person I kind of cut off a while back. It wasn't anything awkward because I'm good with people and at the end of the day we actually found closure. Sirko had this guy who attemptedto treat her like an arm candy give her flowers. He was shutted down quickly because as shallow as it sounds, he's ugly and has an ugly personality to top that off. Sirko is really really pretty too. The rest of the day was a time well spent with Sirko then I walked to uptown with Sine because I was going to get fetched there.
Terrible Popeyes experience. I was taking my order and when I came back for pick-up they literally wouldn't give it to me. I was handing the receipt but I was ignored. This lady then shouted my number and got scolded at by her manager and she murmured something about how she's been relentlessly calling my number when she's really only done it once and I have been trying to claim my order. In the end, she turned her back and I didn't even confirm the order or got my receipt stamped I just grabbed the bag and left. They didn't give me back my change too. I'm documenting this because I swear this is why I have social anxiety and absolutely hate interacting with people.
I played soccer wiht my brother outside because I still had some energy left in me. I learned a few new tricks and I was so tired that I passed out on the carpet again and only woke up around 12AM to shower and remove my makeup.
The sunlight was barely passing through the transluscent glass as I sat by my spot waiting for Sirko. I met up with Sirko and our other friend Juliette and we just wandered around the booths and such. We even sang some songs in the open karaoke. Embarrassment is subjective anyway. We watched The Little Prince and the whole production was just so good. Me and Sirko gave out our flowers to Ria and Damian and I can't even begin to show my appreciation for their greatness up on stage. Ria's scene was especiallly the crowd's most favorite too. I am very proud. I ate so much today. I haven't been eating much for like 2 days now because my appetite quite literally doesn't exist. I played basketball with Juliette, her guy friends, and a teacher. This teacher is the really cool attractive one I talked about in one of my previous entries. Sirko watched us and I even scored a ball to soon be exchanged into a plus point in Sirko's report card (because he's not my teacher, sadly). It rained near the end of the day and I let it melt my makeup off. I was drenched but it was this certain comfort I needed before going back home and recharging myself once more.
My mind kept on gaining random consiousness in the middle of the night. I went to school and yes, we still have that one event so we still don't have any classes. I did my hair and makeup in the bathroom and it was such a cute little girly experience. I was with Sirko and she introduced me to this new friend. We had some small talks and just hung around each other. There was this concert that we went to and my friend's band was there too. Just as we were leaving I lost my glasses. They're prescription ones so it was horrible. Someone who was taking a picture with me noticed that my bag was open then I realized that some stuff fell off. For the school's main event, it was like this dance, festival, cheering (but not really because if it were then I would've been there) thing and my team lost but Sirko's won so it was fine. After the very exhausting day, I went to Sirko's house and just chatted. We waited for her sister to drop as off town. I was introduced to her sister's guy bestfriend on the car ride and it was cool how we got along because of One Piece. Me and Sirko's first stop was at the flower shop to get Ria and another friend of ours some flowers because tomorrow is their The Little Prince play's first show. We went to the bookstore for a bit but nothing was new on the shelves (it's a big three-story store but I go there like thrice a week at this point). Sirko got food from Popeyes then had to bid her goodbye. I went back into the bookstore and found so many books I never noticed on the third floor. Usually I know what book I'd get before I even go into the store so it was ffun reading synopses at the back of books again. Managed to bag two books. Rested for a bit when I got home and wrote Ria a letter with this illustration of The Fox (her character) and The Little Prince I hand drew.
I wrote a contract and printed it out early in the morning. Around noon I comforted Sirko who was crying over an ugly (yes, I am shallow) boy who had a this very disgusting personality (this justifies my shallowness). I made Sirko sign my "No Chuck Contract" contract. It's essentially for us to forever pass the Bechdel test. I finished my eagle prop and it was actually really good. I have always been talented in any skill one can name. I'm claiming that because I've been praised for it my whole life and since I started distancing myself away from people (in a good finding my inner peace stoic way), I haven't been getting enough of the right appreciation. But the only validation I need is really from myself so it all works well. We had a mass in school and I dragged Sirko along with me in the choir. The instructor knows me because I've been in the choir anyway since 4 years ago. See? I'm talented. Question of the day: Do I love or hate people with no substance?
Gradually attending later because I really don't want to go to school anymore. We're not really even are doing anything anyway. I forgot my glasses so I was blind. Got this last-minute task of building an eagle and we'll get back to that later. Our meeting place was in the other theatre room and it was a spatious space. They turned the lights off and being in school with this sleepover like setting was a very cool experience. After school, I went to the mall to buy books first because I have a problem then bought the materials for the eagle I actually needed. Got some clothes too because I've been needing new ones. I fixed my digital wardrobe upon arrival back home. I facetimed with Sirko and she was crying which further supports my hatred for people. I didn't do the eagle until like 2am because I had other things occupying my time.
I arrived late but this time on purpose. I read the book I've been carrying around with me while doing props. Me and Sirko were them put in charge of the press ID signing in the library. I managed to read a new book in that mean time. I read Jonathan Livingston Seagull and it was actually quite good. I found Ria's younger sister crying in the halls so I decided to accompany her along with Sirko. I am actually so good with kids. That has been a fact for quite a while now. I bought her icecream and chatted with her and not even seconds later she became better. I met more new people which I still have no idea how I get new friends every. I haven't eaten so when my day ended I got Mcdonalds and took my after school nap.
The ever so familiar feeling of my weekend mornings. Exactly as how I described it yesterday. This time, I rotated between reading and watching more of The Big Bang Theory (and sleeping too - if the two naps I took counts). Then I taught my baby brother how to ride the bicycle. I'd say it was impressively succesful. Was he a fast learner or was I a good teacher? Weekends with no homeworks gives me the ability to completely abandon my phone like how I used to usually function. I love it when I don't have to deal with my social life. The rare need for my phone was going greatly until school has ruined it for me. I don't mind people reaching out but I do mind it when there floats a thought of me owing the aforementioned people. I'm not trying to be antagonistic but I often forget the value people put in simple message replies. I would say it's tragic but it's really not because I too am a 20th century girl after all. I am much content with my friends and my own self that putting much effort to any other social aspects is trivial. If I do find real friendship in others, I would much likely be obliged to give them my friendship contract. I am not making excuses for my complete neglect of other relationships I have but I must say that I have little care as to put much effort to people please into a whole new friendship. I only do that (pepple pleasing) to be the nicest and as much as possible not be a disturbance in the force or someone who makes living harder for other people. I coexist with other harmoniously and that is my only goal (in that matter). I do not need them so do see me as kind person for I try my best to be beneficial rather than a liability to others.
How must one write about the still time that never quite rusts down. The mornings I would forever adore accompanied with my current reads and breakfast. I had pizza but I think pizzas are for any time of the day. I went to sleep shortly after this and played some guitar. Expression through art is such a lovely thing. I find it somehow a lot more articulating than pen on paper. After my rotation of reading and sleeping, I played Wizard of Legends with my brother (co-op) and I won twice! Let's not talk about the other countless rounds because they don't matter as much. I won and that's enough. It's like being a child again.
I was part of the people leading our batch for this event out school has. It's ironic how I wasn't even meant to be there since I had other special tasks. I wasn't in my best mood. It was a very cold day. I used up all my energy early in the morning and became still yet mobile. I collected dust in my silence. I learned from this book Damian recommended that (in my own translated for other contexts understadning,) sometimes, you don't take the best fundness in people because you don't love yourself around them. This explained quite a lot of things. Sure, it's an obvious thing. But having thoughts worded out and properly recognized, it changes your perspective a bit - if that makes sense - and it finds reasons which in turn could make you more forgiving of yourself. I hate it whenever I find a person displeasing. I hate it when I judge people because it says more about me. People just sometimes disssosiates me from the world when they make me feel not myself. Not even in any extreme way. I always try my best to make a person feel good about themselves. I have no idea what my real intentions are but I don't think they're anything horrible as I am actually a neutrino who can very much function well enough alone. I've read books on a bunch of psychology or those kind that manipulates people. Even in the most simplest form of putting people on a pedastal so they end up trying to please you or in a way maintain their good reputation you gave them. I won't go out of the topic too much so I'll get back on wiht what has happened in my day so far. I spent lunch again with Sirko. We were so cute with our matching Kanken backpacks that at the end of the day, we received quite a number of photographs random people took of us. We ate in outside the theatre room like me and Lane did the other day then transfered some place else where I did get myself into trouble. We talked about something taboo and the people in front might've heard us and I'm hoping we weren't seen. We walked back home at the day and I did thirdwheel by some weird chances. Passed out once again on the carpet upon entering my home. Woke up around the usual time off 7-8PM and did my night routine except I was dragging myself because I was in the state of eternal tiredness. Also to tie this day up, Ifinally read my Dear Future Me letter and wrote a new one. I called with Brie and talked until I fell asleep.
I've been missing classes but I was still capable of tutoring my classmate. I only attended one class and didn't do anything else the whole day. I was with Lane again for lunch. I was told that my ears get red when I talk about this particular person. I do not like that. I'm terrible at playing it cool that's for certain. I played volleyball and once more gained new friends. I studied a bit for my college entrance exam. I swear our car almost got hit by a squirrel. I ended the day doing accountancy homework and it was horrible. It was easy but tedious for the most part.
We didn't have classes but again, I had extracurriculars so I was in school. I woke up extra early when I really shouldn't have had. I found the morning very comforting as I sat with airpods on while reading Caligula. It was shortly interrupted when I was once again had people approaching me because it turns out I actually have quite a lot of friends. I had lunch with Lane and we were outside the theatre room. We weren't allowed there but it's the absolute best place to eat. Isomehow had energy to go to the mall with Sine and other friends after that day. I suggested we go to Starbucks and just talk a bit. When we wandered around, I received a memo asking me to audit some stuff. I was on auto-pilot following my frineds in the mall while literally having a calculator out and putting on formulas on Google Sheets. When everybody else left, I went to the bookstore and bought more books. Turns out I really can't go out without purchasing more books. For an hour straight and I best bet that this was for he whole day, the store was just playing Taylor Swift songs. I love it so much.
Sirko gave me a book and I bought some other books from her shelf because she was unhauling! I love that so much. Had another cute interaction with Damian. I was going to deliver this message to their class and we ended up just hanging out for a bit. I lent them my eyelash curler and he introduced me to two more of his friends. One of those friends was a friend of the person I liked and when they were about to drop me off my class, the preson I liked was coincidentally coming for his friend that was with me and we hung out for a bit more. I finally got to talk to him and before the day ended said hi. I don't like this feeling at all. I wasn't in class because I had other extracurriculars but it's fine because I'm advanced anyway. Let me put out there that me liking a guy is the single most cringe and uncomfortable feeling ever.
It feels as if I have been a lot more open this week. I'm hanging out with new people that's one. They're not necessarily new but Ria is always at practice and I've been going with Sirko's friends and we go along greatly. I love Beatrice. She's so nice. This day wasn't exactly the greatest. I messed up with the guy I like so many times. All in the span of one day. I went through the entire list of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days I think. I practically ignored his entire existence. I just want to stop liking him altoghter. He is a Gold Rush. It's impossible for us because he's way too out of my league. I consulted Rhett and Skylar for advice and they were so helpful. Rhett especially had this two different reaction for everything I saod. It was either an optimistic look or a pessimistic one. He was switching up every 5 seconds it was the most hilarious thing. Maybe I like this dude platonically. But one thing's ffor sure, it's that this was not forced and I genuinely am interested. Which is really weird. I want to not be because nothing about this situation is good. I hate that I can't help myself. I desperately don't want this to be a thing because I know how everything's going toend and I know that I'd only seem annoying to this person ultimately. I am apologizing to myself for being the way I am.
I slept so early last night. My arms resides in the fires of purgatory. They hurt very much so. I searched the depths of earth trying to find this columnar pad thing I needed for this class I was taking. I studied in the car and started blurting in a paper bag I randomly found scattered on the car floor. Studying is all I do. Dropped by the Penthouse. Simulataneously, I was refreshing the Google Drive every now and then to complete my promised task for the School Paper. We ate out and we discussed this arboretum business proposal. I want to remember this as it might actually become something in the next 20 years. I bought 2 more books and of course, did not forget to read Damian's recommendation. I got home and learned a piano piece (Gold Rush). I like translating my feelings into piano pieces. We went out again shortly after resting and got myself a new school bag. It was the last one and coincidentally, that last stock was my favorite color. I was once again dizzy the entire day. My body is always giving up on me.
I slept so early last night. My arms resides in the fires of purgatory. They hurt very much so. I searched the depths of earth trying to find this columnar pad thing I needed for this class I was taking. I studied in the car and started blurting in a paper bag I randomly found scattered on the car floor. Studying is all I do. Dropped by the Penthouse. Simulataneously, I was refreshing the Google Drive every now and then to complete my promised task for the School Paper. We ate out and we discussed this arboretum business proposal. I want to remember this as it might actually become something in the next 20 years. I bought 2 more books and of course, did not forget to read Damian's recommendation. I got home and learned a piano piece (Gold Rush). I like translating my feelings into piano pieces. We went out again shortly after resting and got myself a new school bag. It was the last one and coincidentally, that last stock was my favorite color. I was once again dizzy the entire day. My body is always giving up on me.
I won (kind of) two games. Kahoot and typeracer. Was not a perfect victory but close enough. The whole class played this childhood game similar to Tag and it was fun. I love going back to being a kid. I played badminton the whole day so my arm was already kind of hurting. The new friend I talked about yesterday and I got into another book interaction. Sirko was out on this preliminaries for a competition so I sat beside Destin in the School Paper. Maybe my club isn't the worst thing ever. Anyway, they're the coolest. I got lots of new assigned tasks which I don't usually get and I'm so glad. I'm getting noticed and am friends with everyone now? All in one day! I love that for me. I'm taking up an article for Valentines! I got back the little notebook me and the book club passes around. It's filled with new awesome poems. What a great day.
I met a new friend! I'll call him Damian. We talked about books and we immediately clicked. He's such a great person I swear. Sirko introduced them!
Sirko guessed who I like. I didn't want her to guess it right because if people knew then it would jinx it and perhaps I'd actually start liking this person but she knew it before I did. How did she know before me? This wasn't even supposed to happen. I was mind-gamed. He was just my friend for the longest time. What changed (I know what) and why am I noticing him now?
Our new Statistics teacher was just awesome. We have a lot of cool new teachers. I wasn't in class because I was attending an extracurricular so it was definitely an exhausting day. I got home and took one of those 3 hour after school naps. The absolute best.
I pricked my finger on a spinning wheel's spindle and fell into a deep deep sleep. I love starting my mornings with headphones on either doing my blog or reading. I went out to buy a gift and some other stuff. I got 2 more books because I'm actually addicted to buying them. I got an Aristotle and a Senaca one to add into my Penguin Classics collection. I ran out of commonplace notebooks so I made sure to stock up. I continued on with my day doing more reading because I can't just keep on buying but never actually reading them. I was on a call with Brie and we talked about stuff. She told me about this horrible friend she has that straight up makes the most unbelievable lies and created this whole new person that she's like childhood friends with but all images she has send has been easily reversed image into ten different people. It's embarrassing and personally I would not be friends with her. I got hungry around midnight and craved cup ramen. I am well aware of the fact that ramens are possibly the hardest to digest like ever and even worse when it's past 10pm but I found a mini one and it was perfect (though still unhealthy).
To whom it may concern, I think I like you. And I have not liked anyone for real in such a long time.
I slept late doing my homework ergo I woke up late. Surprising how I didn't need to get a late slip. Met with new teachers and we had a sub on one or two of them. The substitutes are important because I actually have the bigegst crush on one of them. Sirko has been talking about this one teacher for the longest time and I never knew what he looked like so it was just a vague person. I texted her in class telling her about the most attractive teacher ever and she literally confirmed that it was the one she was talking about since last semester. I swear it's nothing weird though. I was called out for my extra curricular and I missed this entire lesson. It was overwhelming to see on the board upon walk in but I caught up pretty quickly. I love my break times the most because I get to be with SIrko and Ria and they're always the best to be with. We had this other creative introduction activity and I did this dance performance thing with Sine on Taylor's Th Great War song. Epic. Everybody got additional points from it because our class in very extra.
I played soccer when I got home. I injured my toe. I took a 3 hour nap as per usual. Showered and did some routines. Ate a carrot cake with hot choco to pair it with. Went to sleep because this day was exhausting for sure.
I'll start with the highlights of this day. Sirko came back! She's real again! I missed her unfathomably. She bought me this Phantom of The Opera, Haunted Library Horror Classic edition book for me because I'm trying to collect its different editions and I think this copy she just gave might just be the best one yet. It even has a Post-It note she attached inside!
At our break time, Ria once again bought my food for me when i handed my wallet to her with two hands because nobody knows that part of the reason why I refuse to eat in school is because of my crippling anxiety that I'm actually great at masking. It's not diagnosed but it's very evidently obvious and I hate it when people just invalidate how one might feel as its not professionally identified. I'm like almost at a hundred percent certain that there's something wrong with me. My main concern isn't how I don't eat lunch every single day or try my best to just not talk or when I do cry about it later, but this insane nature in me wherein I just need to have everything clean and how my body refuses to touch door knobs or anything of such texture. I can handle it now and not seem like the weirdest person ever but when I was a kid it was so extreme. Ria has always been the sweetest. She's a doll! Ria is very understanding. I owe her my entire life. She probably doesn't even know the exact measure of my love for her.
The actual start of the second semester. Lots of changes especially in our schedule. The classes were all boring and we didn't anything. I'm still getting so much compliments on my scent like I swear I've always gotten compliments on my scent since like ever but using Cloud made it thrice the amount of compliments every single day. I got home and my brother had a fight with his gf and I feel bad because now her gf is trying to contact me but my brother told me to ignore her messages :(.
My family always makes me translate foreign languages and I love it because atleast I can put all those language lessons to use. They make me do it expecially on Japanese and Korean labels. Such an ego boost.
I haven't had one of my vivid dreams in the longest while and today I got one. It was very interesting. By hook or crook scary. I read until my eyes dropped along with the sun. Watched Nefer's movie recommendation (she has the best taste in everything ever). I got to watch the first 30 minutes of the movie and had to stop because school ruins everything for me. It wasn't even 20 minutes into the movie and I was already tearing up when The main dude handed out the ball instead of throwing it then Benny teaching him how to do it. Suddenly I'm making smores.
An addition to my second paragraph in yesterday's entry, my mom randomly called me today asking me if I wanted anything from Dior and It's so great. I love how she remembers and how my dad also associates me with Vivienne Westwood that any moment they see anythign from those they just make sure to tell me and possibly buy stuff from them. I just can't get over how my weird display of passion for stuff like this really marks something in the minds of others.
The sun floods my eyes as I wake up already alert. I have my usual orthodontist appointment and so I got my teeth checked-up and cleaned too as it has been 6 months since my last cleaning. I have always hated getting my teeth cleaned (and I'm one of the cleanest, almost obsessivel clean, person I know). I remember being fully convinced as a child that they were drilling out my teeth and although it may sound like it, I know now that it's certainly not a drill. I just hated the way it sounds and how it somehow felt. Maybe how I imagined it to feel like. It's this weird sensory issue thing and I just can't stand it. I still don't know whether or not people around me are actually lying whenever they say they love getting their teeth cleaned. Personally, I only like that my teeth feels the absolute cleanest right after. There was a complication too that I forgot to mention. One of my coil springs got stuck inside of my gums and when they retracted it (like having to twist it out) it was definitely painful. Not as painful but the thought of my gums just bleeding was very discomforting. That was like the firs quarter of my day. I then picked my friends up to go to this Interactive Science Museum. Before that we ate out first because I was starving. I haven't eaten anything. I ended up over eating and since I hate wasting food I forced like half of it that I was on the edge fo throwing up the entire day. Not that that's any different from my default nauseous state. The whole museum experience was fun and we took lots of pictures. Had my fair share of embarassing moments but that's fine. It was funny and I felt like a child interacting with every single button ever. I can't help it. Time came when we decided to go out and jsut stroll around the High Streets. Went to Muji and tried out the drinks from the cafe. I finally got my study pen that I swear is the reason for my perfect grades. Can't be a day out without going to the book store obviously. Bought another penguin classic and finally went home. I ended up vomitting but that's not that much of a big deal.
I love it when I get messages from random people saying they remembered me because of some particular thing. I got a message from this guy saying his HP bar on Cyberpunk is at 707^707 and he was like "I thought of you". A day before this Brie literally messaged me saying she was thinking about me because she saw this picture that relates to chess. This reminds me of how Sirko is willing to take pictures of anything Star Wars related for me. It's the sweetest thing ever when they remember you through details of your life.
The blades of grass are drowning. A godly morning acquainted with the ironically heavy but peaceful silver rainfall. Woke up, showered, read a book while having my breakfast and listening to music with my Sony XM4s - I'm not a music connoisseur but I can vouch for these headphones. I took a nap right after reading quite the chunk of my current read. Woke up once more to read but this time with a different book. I used my laptop for the audiobook while I took notes. Played chess and when dawn came I facetimed with Brie. I read (all I do) while she painted. The details of this call was very interesting. I opened up the conversation with descriptions of the book I was reading and somehow, this quick book synopsis I did circled on with every topic succeeding it. It's great when you can apply the things you read of course. Except it wasn't the greatest as we came across this statistical discovery. I want to study it but it would take a lot of actual researching. I'll keep it as a hypothesis but an event happening twice is a coincidence but thrice is a pattern and when as we went on the numbers really were accurately contributing to the ratio. Even if this were just a confirmational bias, it's odd that there's so many people falling into this statistic. Nonetheless, I shall name this phenomena "The Beetlejuice"!
Insufferable sound of calling. I was made aware that we had this online test so I got up, showered, and went straight to writing. Awhile after that, I started reading this book I knew my friend was reading. I'm not sure whether or not I should be reading it but I took quite the interest when I saw a Youtuber put it on god tier on their tier list. I took notes like how I usually would and I can see how this has book made an impact on a lot of the newer existing self-help books. See, self-help books tend to get kind of repetitive when you've read quite the number of books and articles already. I got a few stuff from it but I was already practicing majority of the things being elaborated. I got mine from experience and lots of Psychology book mushed up in my head and kind of just deducted what exactly I should be doing in social settings; but the way this book just articulated all those was pretty good. If I didn't had any previous knowledge of such, this book would've saved me. After that, I just reorganized some files and made a well-functioning database for some investments, real properties, and that sort of finance stuff. I love handling them because I love it when everything is perfectly in right order. I did more research on Stoicism and filled up a few pages in my commonplace book and just spent time to myself. I am once again too late with this one person who I think I'm probably looking real horrible to right now. I have no escuses for getting eaten up in my hobbies but I'm not afraid of being misunderstood so I also don't want to bother explaining why I am the way I am. Around midnight Skylar called me saying he missed me (platonically, of course) and wanted to catch up. We did and I very much appreciated the long talk. He's one of the few people I got one of those rare wisdoms - that has changed my life - from too. All my friends have given those which is why I put so much value in them.
This day felt like I was Nobita borrowing that one gadget Doraemon has that allows him to lay down on clouds while reading. I had one of those flower sprouts in my head the whole day. One of those rare days wherein I'm reading from the genre of romance. It's this manhwa called A Wish Upon a Star and the red head... need I say more? I was pretty much blushing and kicking my feet the entire day that I only gained my consciousness back around like 10pm. See you might wonder, I could not have possibly read such a short (atleast short for me) book/manhwa for 10 hours straight. It doesn't add up right? Normally, you'd be right. I have quite a high words per minute reading count too. However, we're talking romance here and I physically cannot read it straight without taking like a breather every few panels. There wasn't even that much romance, this whole thing just says a lot about my deprivation of such.Brie is so right. I studied Statistics after this flowerhead filled day of mine.
First day back to school and half the class was just gone. I didn't want to attend. We were given free time the whole day. Found out we didn't actually have to attend so I'm just not gonna show up for the rest off the week. I can't wait to fill my schedule up that now has a lot of vacant times. Spent a lot of time with my friends (Book Club, loveliest people ever) during our breaks and I kind of talked a lot about Daniil Dmtrievich Dubov - can't blame me he's like a prince. Ria is on a play! She's casted as the fox in The Little Prince - one of my favorite books - and I just wanted to share that piece of information because it's actually awesome. I used my free class periods up playing chess and studied and was actually just at a corner isolating myself. I love it when I get to have those peaceful minutes. Also facetimed Sirko and guess fricking what. She got me a copy of this really cool edition of Phantom Of The Opera. My favorite book since ever. I love her so much. A guy randomly approached me and told me he saw me at the December 30th convention, that's cool. I did not eat breakfast nor lunch and I craved this Biscoff Frappe the whole entire day. I asked Sine out for a quick hang out at the cafe that has the Biscoff Frappe and went to the Lego store. I was so exhausted that when I got home. I went striaght to the nearest flat area, took off my glasses, and died. I woke up and received this message from Skylar apologizing because I had to see this one dude I cut out. I fricking love that dude. I pick the best friends ever I swear. He always remembers like the little things that I do or do not like. How are my friends so perfect? I love them so much I don't even know how to express it or begin to explain why and how and what they do. They just are.
Went to the salon for a haircut and hair treatment. I'm trying not to kill my hair as how I usually would. Watched Modern Family, like two episodes of it. Out again, High Streets. Ate at a fine dining and talked about this particular book with my parents and brother. This day was a lot more chaotic but I'd rather not share that in the internet...
Blew up the Death Star. Happy New Year. Sirko was the first one to greet me happy New Year. Her timezone's different too (huge props). Before I went to sleep, I quickly wrote a contract for one of my New Year's resolution. I think I completed most of the ones in my previous list. My 2023 was very well spent. I don't even know how I'd be able to sum that up in my Dear Future Me later. I've written one of those yearly since 2015. It's been like 8 years since. I wonder what my last year self had in store. I showered, came back home, slept, showered, then listened to some Ted Talks while doing my nails. Then I alternated between coding and sleeping. One might say this was an unproductive first day of the year, but I personally think that I'm still completely detoxing 2023 out of my body.
Had the urge to cut my hair. Went to the salon and found out it closed early because... obviously it's New Year's Eve. I need to dye my hair and have like a wolfcut at this very moment but I guess it could wait. I was with my mom and we also bought matching pajamas for the annual New Year's family picture. Did a quick stop at the groceries for all the necessary food preperations later. Read books because I'm just so close to my reading goal. I needed like 3 more. It should be easy with like a couple more poem books. Went to our penthouse so we could celebrate at the rooftop. Finished my reading at around 7. We ate dinner and everybody just fell asleep. Woke up again around 10. The anticipation for New Years felt like forever. This day ended with the final countdown for next year. 'Til the spire?
I was awoken from my slumber. We ate out at Shake Shack and noticed there was a nearby Cosplay Convention. I remembered my friends were there and with my absolute luck, they had an extra ticket. Before we go into that event, I didn't know we were meeting my dad side's family, I haven't seen them in so so long. It was still surprisingly fun. They were like my entire childhood after all. Found out that the smarts run in the family. So, the convention. Ran into a couple of my friends who cosplayed, checked out every booth ever in this system me and my friend decided. Bought the cutest merch (mostly One Piece). There's this huge number of Genshin stuff and I shouldn't be surprised but I sure miss the days before Genshin. Everyone was so pretty. I would've cosplayed if I knew. But the fact that my friend had an extra ticket was already the biggest thing ever. Thank you (like so much). I bought a sword for my older brother too. Super fun day.
Lane played chess with me online. I taught her how to play 4 years ago and it was awesome. She took notes and it was the greatest thing. Also played with another friend and I still don't know why he's willing to play with someone as ruthless. I do appreciate it but... I feel bad.
Spring cleaning. Showered like a ton (I can shower more than my already excessive normal daily shower count, trust). Also finished the How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days movie that I left off before I left the country. Unpacked my stuff since I just passed out last night. Read a bit because I am so near my book reading goal. Played chess with people.
At the airport the whole entire day. Like not kidding. I had Burger King for like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Our flight was delayed so that was a bummer. Played chess on the airplane and got my brother to teach me opening I didn't already know. Got home super late and since I can't physically sleep without showering, I had like a 2 hour or so one then went to bed. It was like 4am at that point.
Siam paragon again. I'm not even complaining. I bought another bear and this tiny red shirt for the bear. Named him Bear II. Cutest thing ever. So basically just more shopping. Tomorrow we're going back home so we packed our stuff too.
I love watching KND as a kid. It was my favorite cartoon show and it remains to be my favorite. I love the concept of letting children believe in all kinds of magic. My baby brother has been relentless about going to the elephant camp and so for Christmas, we did all the things he has been requesting. I already went to here I few years back and I never liked how the mahouts treat the elephants so I actually cried. We also did those floating market things which I do not even want to say my insights on. Also visited a tiger to take pictures with. More shopping. On our way to the places we were visiting, we actually went to this one convenience store we visited years ago and it took me back. Pretty cool. The one thing that did made this day horrible for me was this intense migraine I was just experiencing.
Happy Christmas Eve! It's Tony Tony Chopper's birthday too! Oh how I love Christmas. Everything about it is just so pretty and warm. I readlike 5 short books first thing in the morning. We went back into Siam Paragon and bought a bunch of stuff. I had to get One Piece merch obviously (saw a Vans collab one). Then I got the Sony WH-1000XM4, which if it sounds familiar, it's the headphones Jenna Ortega swears buy. Just did some more shopping before going back to the hotel. I made legos on the night of Christmas Eve. They're the Christmas ornaments one too.
Had a flight for Bangkok and facetimed Sirko at the airport the whole time. I listened to music and read like 3 short books in the plane. Played some chess and I dozed off. I landed and I received this message from a friend saying she saw me at immigration. Insane coincidence. Since this trip was pretty sudden, I had to make atleast a flexible short itenerary for our trip. I stayed over at this Mariott's Hotel place and the food there was just amazing. Everybody died after stepping foot in our room. We woke up and good thing there's a bunch of night markets that we could go to. We went to Siam (little did I know, this place was going to be our den to which we would come back to for 70% of the trip) Square Night Market and shopped clothes and trinkets and such.
Sucessfully convinced yet another person (Nefer!) to make a blog. I was texting Ria today and she made a Phantom of The Opera reference which we all know is my favorite book ever. I am now her very humble servant.
I came across Jack Edward's book review/experience video on the book of power; funniest thing ever. Please watch it. I packed my things last minute since my schedule has been really busy this past week.
Woke up early to finish my concept paper so I could go out with Sine again. It's the last time we're seeing each other since my family has other plans for the Christmas holidays. We went inside storaes and had one of those very iconic chick-flick fitting room scenes. Ate at an icecream place except I ate fries because I was never the biggest fan of sweets (I do still love them though). Sine went home early so I just sat at a corner and entertained myself with other stuff. There was this stranger beside me and we had this very wholesome interaction. People sure are nice sometimes.
The sky is gray. I'd argue it's the perfect writing weather. I picked my glasses up that has actually been ready since a few days ago. Everyone was just super busy but I finally got it and I actually like them. I continued with my concept paper and I was reading this book and I completed half of it. A bunch of ideas were already written down too so I really just needed to connect it. I put it aside for tomorrow because I think I can measure time well especially with school works. It's pretty much done if I might say so myself. I can't believe I'm reading books and not worrying about school as much. I found this plot hole which ruined everything. To be fair, the book already wasn't good in the first place but... oh well.
I love Anna Cramling.
It's ironic how I'm in a wedding and am currently debating with a friend on why I find marriage stupid. In the table where I'm at, I was with my parents and I opened up the topic about my career path once more. I talked about how my only goal in life is to get titles and my dad created this elaborate plan for me. It clicked. I now have something to look forward to. I also told them my fall back plan which was that I could be an artist or on IT because I think they're the hobbies I excel most at that would still make a lot of money. My brother suggested that maybe thats what I really want. It's something to ponder on but I hate this weird obsession with getting credentials and most especially a Phd.
Finished edting the video and submitted too. I fell straight asleep after that. Now I just have one school related thing I need to complete. Went to McDonalds to get some iced coffee then went on a rabbit hole on the currents of DC. It's terrible for them. I already talked about it with a lot of friends and it's just not going well. Now they're rebooting it again. Which makes perfect sense to me.
Just found out Maya, Felix's and Marzia's dog died :(.
My friend told me that the gift I got her for Christmas (LTAYP) was her first classic book. SHe's so sweet.
I was texting with Sirko the whole day and I miss her so much. She's currently in Sacramento.
I continued doing my position paper, memorized it, then filmed an advocacy video for it. I updated my blog and I was a month and a half behind so I just started transferring all the drafts into here and forming them into a somewhat legible thing. It's finally caught up to December.
School has yet to end. I am currently writing a posiiton paper. How cruel. Learned more chess inbetween my writing sessions. My brother introduced me to this AI thing that you could input any questions or make it do papers and stories and any kind of literary stuff (and more) and it would provide you with answers or solutions. I ran it through plagiarism testers and it's surprisingly undetectable. It was interesting because I've also coded maybe 4 chatbots in the past. This one was quite advance actually.
Christmas party. The whole experience was actually terrible minus the part that after it, I got to go out with my friends and that school was finally over. Overdue break everyone has been needing. Not to mention, early on in the morning, my hair got tangled in the brush and I took a solid 20 minutes or so trying to dissect my hair form its now merged state with the brush. I was quite literally contemplating whether or not I should just start chopping it off. I remained calm. Then I slipped down the staircase going downstairs. We went to the mall and not 5 seconds upon entering, I saw this Nerf gun. I bought it. I love Nerfs. We had a mission. Sine really loves Andrew Garfield and so we went into every comic book and collector shop ever. The find was unsuccessful. We did go on rides, ate out, and just had a great time.
The gift Sirko is the cutest thing ever. It had a letter inside the book and she even drew me! She stated that the blurb at the back reminded her of me so much that she had to get it. It's Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Wolf and it's a classic which is my favorite genre.
From the line "All this must go on without her" was like how I always say I'm a girl frozen in time. She mentioned that I'm always saying "Right where you left me" and "Spinning out waiting for you". Then she followed it up with the sweetest thing ever. She said she would wait with me. Not I'd always be here for you. She'd WAIT with me. The best thing anyone could ever say to me.
The day I have been excited maybe anxious about. Finals for math. I received my paper and that was possibly the easiest exam set I've ever gotten. I finished in more or less than 20 minutes tops. Maybe I studied a bit too much. The practice questions I took were like way way harder. Convinced I got a perfect or atleast a near perfect score. With much adrenaline in my body, I went out for a semi-pamper day. Got manipedis, bought gifts, outfits, and such. I even saw Sine at the mall by some weird chance. I was told I fell asleep during my manicure session and the people doing my nails could not wake me up. I'm blaming my exhaustion after the excessive amount of studying I went through. Still can't believe all the tests was that easy.
I'm a terrible gift wrapper. I used to be good at it. No idea what had happened but oh well. I wrote on the Muji notebook me and Sine each got to document our frinedship in each other's perspectives. I was on a call with her while she did hers too. I got her Legos and she just adores them so I can't wait for her to receive her gift.
We already have tickets to go out after finals. I guess now we know where my spontaneousness originated from. Had my first half of the finals and I think I did well. I dropped by Louise's place after with Sine to revise a bit on math. Learned a ton and I think I'm pretty much covered. At home I facetimed Sine again and we did more math.
My brother is on community service and so he basically does little errands for the school. We were running late and so he shared a little useful trick with me. He told me that when getting a late slip, I should leave out the date because then the people recording it wouldn't be able to put it in the system and instead jsut skip it. Very Rodrick Heffley of him. My classmates hate me.
I love muffins. I ate so much muffins today. I was on a facetime call with Sirko while we studied some more. It's Taylor's birthday tomorrow so we took a break and counted down for the birthday in our You Belong With Me outfits.
More studying for finals. I swear I have a life. I mean I clearly have a life and like a possibly infinite amount of hobbies I'm always learning. I say I'm studying but I'm always straying off links so I'm studying but in a super in-depth sometimes unnecessary and additional information studying. I jsut love studying. I cried today but continued stuyding. Who sleeps at 1am and wakes up at 6am during weekends to purely study?
Woke up laughing because I slept beside Sine and we were already cracking jokes. Apparently I was memorizing our lessons in my dreams because I was sleep talking. Me and Sine then left and went to town so she could go to her tutor while I shopped for the materials I needed for a project. Also got some books so I can give them as gifts. I got a bunch of classics and mostly Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet which I'm forcing everyone to read. It's short too so it shouldn't be too intimidating. I had a lot of paper bags and the bottom of the one that contained my project materials just broke off. There were people who helped me and even lent me an extra paper bag they had. What a nice thing to do. I went home and for the whole proceeding 7 hours I just made my project.
Funny how my brohter borrowed my Slytherin tie for his research defense. Let me tell you about today. Today was very fun. I had a sleepover with Sine and Louise. They made me blow a candle on a cupcake because they knew I missed my birthday. We formed a band and I was on the keyboard. Which is like one of my dreams. Louise cooked for us as he always does.
I played chess with the people in my class and obviously destroyed them. To be fair, I've been playing since I could remember because off my grandpa and older brother. I'm feeling a bit burned out. My work are still possibly above the standard but I don't think they're the best. Perhaps it's because it's winter? Who knows.
I forgot to blow a candle so when I woke up again around 12am, I quickly went downstairs and blew one. It's not my birthday anymore but the important thing here is that I remembered. Today was very productive. I got more perfect scores. I somehow found time to read and play shogi! I was actually quite well rested.
I woke up aorund 1am because I was previously "resting my eyes" while studying. I'm gonna fail (is what I thought). My mom was up early and she made me cry first thing in the morning. It's such a busy day. However, I infact did not fail and got a bunch of a hundred percents. We had this English summative and then this movie dialogue script acting thing for our oral finals. Aced. Well, I got a perfect score but I messed up a lot and actually cried after. I learned shogi while in class since I never actually can listen. People drew on my shoes and it was cute. Only a handful of people knew about my birhtday and Ria and Lane threw a surprise for me on a secluded area (which I love because I actually by request told them a long itme ago that I don't like it when people know about my birthday). I cried. I love them so much. I can't believe they even pulled that with the amount of deadlines and tests we have. My mom bought me a cake and some balloons but I never got to look at them because I was studying.
I got my midterm grades and it was relatively high. There's a lot that happened today academic wise. First class, we had this play. I forgot my costume. My house is pretty near school so I just asked for a solid. We had this test before the play and so it worked quite well because after the most tiring morning, I still managed. Next class, we had to do out final thesis defense. It went well, obviously. More tests, then I studied the rest of the day after I got home. I fell asleep and forgot tomorrow was my birhtday. In my defense, it was a very hectic day.
I found a video in my Mac Photobooth of me just memorizing and dozing off mid-talking. It was like the funniest thing ever. Lately, I've been waking up really early to study and it actually feels good. I don't think productivity and time correlates well with each other in a sense that one could do way more when they wake up early rather than doing them at a later time because I'm pretty sure my most productive hours are usually during evening but I have a lot to study and I need to maximize my time. My schedule is very well managed. I like that things are going my way.
Oh my god. I just saw a 707 reincarnate.
A guy messaged me out of nowhere showing his spotify wrapped. I blocked him.
The workload I have is very overwhelming. No,I can manage. I have this love hate relationship with overwhelmness. I get anxious whenever I'm not doing anything and I actually enjoy studying but when it’s too much I sometimes panic but then I’m glad that I’m panicking. If that even makes the slightest bit of sense.
I’m going to the doctor because my parents genuinely thinks I’m dying. They’ve been telling me how pale I was since like a month ago and of the moment comes that they find a slot in my schedule, they’d book me an appointment. Apparently today was the day. I also got my concussion checked out . They weighed me and holy crap. I dont take care of myself, I know, but why do I actually look like I’m about to die. Then we looked for an opthalmologist because everything is wrong with me. My eyes were tested and the glasses should be done by finals. I wasn't allowed to get black framed ones because my lenses were too complicated and had a lot of customizations. That was a cool experience because I used to have perfect vision. Then for dinner I ate out.
I am suffering from a head concussion. I was trying out this trick and failed. The way they informed my parents made it seem like I was about to get cancer or something. Despite my head hurting, I did not go straight home after class. An old friend of mine invited us out to eat.
I made bracelets when I got home. I love making those friendship beads bracelets. I don't have per se that many "friends", I have exactly 10 (but they are the ones who have genuinely signed my friendship contract). I have no idea why but I'm somehow am a social butterfly... despite me getting drained easily at that. I'd take it that socializing is possibly quite a newly discovered talent I have. I do think people still hate me but maybe I feel like they love me too at the same time. It's severely confusing and I feel like I need to assess this little thing further.
I hit a car (physically). I was late to this one test and I had to beg my teacher to let me take it. It's literally that one Gilmore Girls episode. Except every teacher ever loves me and I'm always getting perfect grades so she let me take it just before the class ended. I got my scores immediately since I asked kindly. One mistake. I'd say I'm a failure but the question I got wrong was confusing and I'm betting I'm the highest (granted that others probably got a similar score as mine but still). Sirko factimed me crying later that day. I hate people so so much. How can anybody be horrible to someone who is literally perfect and doesn't care about anything else besides her grades? The gossip thing literally had no contents too. What's there to hate about?
Waking up at sunrise to study, sleep, study, sleep, and then study. It's a whole process and it surprisingly works. The sky is dim. I can feel the humidity (my worst enemy). But it's comforting today somehow. I can't believe I used to never study. It's good that I actually love studying. Back then when I didn't study for school, I was already studying for other hobbies. I'm lucky I have this weird strong immunity to the burn-out syndrome. I do know I'll get it sooner or later. I'm only somehow lasting longer that I should be.
Math is good. I love my poems. Why isn't this one dude taking a hint? This one guy abruptly forced himself into our group since he knows that being in ours means a guarantee to getting a high grade. He treated us so terribly though. I did not speak the whole day because I was mad. I don't get mad often. I let people use me but not to this extent. I literally blockeed all his contacts and everything.
I'm really really confident about my test results. Max like 2 mistakes. I somehow found the time to watch the ever-so-famous 90s romcom 10 Things I Hate About You and it was so good. I did panic after a bit because I suddenly was made aware that we have like 3 more tests. Went back to studying.
There's this one guy in my class I desperately want to cut off.
Yesterday was very productive. Today will be too. I always have my entire day planned out but today is quite specific. I studied all day. I even managed to write poems, read a book, learn some more piano pieces, and go to some band function with food and stuff. I was still studying bringing around my gazillion papers, clipboard, and prints, of course.
Orthodontist appoinment once more. My mom noticed how pale I was and how deep my undereye bags were. She told me that sometimes she'd wake up in the middle of the night and worry about me. I know, it's sad. Maybe my self-neglection in terms of my own health is becoming much more evident. It's frequently pointed out too. In my defense, I really cannot fail. I finished making my reviewers and casually decided to meet up with Sine at a cafe. We studied and I'd say it was very effective. 10/10 would always recommend.
Club wasn't so terrible. I wrote a short poem. There was this event at school and so it was filled with booths so like any other person, the first instinct was for me and Sirko took part in the food binging phenomenon. I was trying not to buy any sweets because I was still kind of sick... I shortly gave in and got cookies.
As we were about to leave, Lane approached us! She came up to us with a teary happy eyes. She told us she cut classes. For context, she's a student leader, she doesn't cut classes. Turns out this dude she's liked for a while who allegedly liked another person was only saying he liked another person to make her jealous. That he has liked her this time. Okay, I'm missing the part wherein he actually had a plan to confess on anart gallery date but the crammed school schedule did not allow it. So they just went and skipped classes then for an hour straight talked about the person they like (and this was before they knew it was each other). It was like super slowburn because we all thought he was leading her. But then again, he bought a chess board just to play with her. If that's not love then I have no idea what is. Me and Sirko received that news out near the field so I maybe couldn't contain my scream. I'm pretty sure people looked my direction.
The moment I stepped home I passed out. A common pattern nowadays. Had time to read one of Agatha Christie's book so I did that. I solved it on my whiteboard and to be honest it was very anti-climactic.
I got perfect scores or atleast a mark off on all results that was given back. I was still the highest. I'm still sich though. Rip. I talked with an old friend and it made me realize how proximity can really bring out conversations.
Today I'm taking care of myself. I love being a girl. Everytime I go through this entire stressful week, I can treat myself at the malls and do every girly pampering stuff ever. I woke up at 7am to study first, obviously. Nutshell of the first half of today: had a couple appointments, learned some more piano pieces, and finished any remaining school works in my detailed schedule.
I discovered dabloons. Update: Dabloon economy is going down.
I love raccoons. Isn't it funny that they steal and they look like robbers with the black masks and gloves and everything? They're the universes' practical joke. The first book I ever bought from a school book fair was this National Geographic one about raccoons. I will alwyas love raccoons.
My body is failing me once again. I had a melt down because I knew I was getting sick and I can't afford to get sick. I need to study. I facetimed my friends and I told them I can't do my work but I know I can. They told me they trusted me. They told me they know. They told me they knew how smart my mind is smart but my body can't handle it. I needed to rest. I love my friends.
Made someone sign a confidentiality contract. Today was way too chaotic. I can't even begin to say anything about it. I'll leave it be because I can't really process anything anymore either. Finally bought myself Disney plus atleast.
Okay, let me tell you how proud I am of my friend group. Sirko got like A*s on her chem and math. I had another facetime session with Sirko and she helped me with some math problems. I fully get it now and I just love how we help each other. It's not often you'd find someone who'd celebrate your accomplishments with you. People will always be able to emphatize more when you're down than when you're genuinely happy about something. See it can go either ways in which (1) one might be there for you as their personal act of altruism. What I mean by this is that sometimes people feel good about themselves knowing that they're making another person feel better. This is not to be cynical but there's a sense of accomplishment when you're helping someone. In the second case scenario, (2) one might be there in a way wherein they're just getting gossip out of you. People just inherently like drama especially when they're not involved.
It's weird how I always psyche myself out and end up breaking down.
We had this little race in class. It was about balancing equations. I was so fast that I won every point ever. I would literally be done solving the problem and It'd take everyone else 5 or 10 more minutes to solve the same thing. The was a huge ego boost in my brain. It was a group thing too. So it was me against the entire class. Our group (that I totally hard carried) was merrited like plus points for our pre-finals test.
My entire body refused to sleep. I'm dreading tomorrow so so much. I have way too many things to study and so many projects to make. First thing I did in the morning (after I showered obviously) was study. I eventually encountered a minor problem. Sleepyness. I did two 5 minutes timers and woke myself up by with a cold chocolate drink. I facetimed Sirko to write out feature article. Isn't that adorable? I'm composing myself for tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Bright suns! My mom just updated me on my personal library and my little secret studio they were making on our farm. Ever since she permitted me to go on Taylor's concert in LA, she has been sending me news about her in iMessage and I just love it. Earlier, I got the news that Taylow had 3.5 billion ticket requests, and my mom was my source! Went out for a semi-grocery shopping and the rest of the day was just normal. I like normal days.
Math is killing my brain. Pop quizzes are killing my brain. I think I still did well. At lunch we continued Ria’s birthday!
I also made a new friend today ^^. She game me her Ace (Portgas) hat keychain. I told her I’d give her another keychain in return. I have the perfect one in mind! It’s this little keychain from Nintendo World that has this puzzle function. It’s cool!
After class I went out on a date with Sine at McDonald’s. There was this new Christmas special menu and I had to get it! We wandered around and I got a ribbon for my hair.
Finally home, I wouldn’t day this day was too eventful but there sure was a relatively lot of stuff that has occurred. I listened to some audiobooks while simultaneously making mock exams (which I’m really good at and everyone can vouch for it because I swear everything I put comes out in tests — people are very predictable i guess). I gathered more information for a feature article I need to write about tomorrow. Finished two short books and I plan on reading two more for tomorrow! I then devised this plan to sleep around 11, wake up at 12, then continue studying.
Disney confirmed a Princess Diary 3 on the making. Everybody knows how much I love that movie. I've written some papers about it too. I'm like really near school and for some weird reasons, I'm always late. Or atleast super punctual like at the exact time of whenever class starts. All those memorization I did yesterday was useless by the way. It was a formative. I once again helped a lot of people with whatever they need for school. I really like helping people.
Place a poppy in my hair. Me and Sirko got Taylor Swift tickets!! We survived the graet war! I'm in absolute disbelief. Ticket Master was cruel. I saw so many other Swifties sobbing from how highly in demand the tickets were. Resellers already had their prices up at 20 fricking grand. Almost every real fan I've come across got nosebleed tickets (including us). I'll try and buy more tickets at gensale and maybe try for other shows. I need a 100 seats.
Back to studying, I memorized a bit too much for the reason that I will never be messing up as badly as I did yesterday. Did some more studying for more tests then slept.
Writing more papers. Won a debate. Like literary talked with dead air after I asked questions. It was an easy swept which is very disappointing because I prepared a bit too much. Obviously I cna't go on with my day without messing up. I choked one on my class presentations then just stayed frozen. The first word I uttered was Sirko. I repeatedly said it since I was in a state of panic and as the lump was forming in my throat, I just ran out the hallways to her room. Looking back, that moment was actually so cinematic. You know how you have to blink whenever you're crying to make your tears go down? I was trying so hard not to blink and yet the tears were all non-stop flooding down my face. I didn't eat anything this day.
Free day. I read some books, learned some new piano and guitar pieces, and relaxed for a bit. Then I continued writing a paper for school because for some weird reasons, they just never run out.
Thinking about cancelling all my plans. I met up with Sine at uptown again and we watched Wakanda Forever. I spoiled the entire thing which, I know, horrible. But I swear they should appreciate me. I'm pointing out every easter egg ever and I give them context. We were wearing matching Tim headbands I got from USJ. Basically treated the place like it was some kind of amusement park. Bought some legos because I actually have no sense of self control. Then I realized I needed to change my screen protector... I cracked it immediately after I got it replaced infront of the lady who literally just fixed it. Then I bought another.
First thing I needed to get over with was this video I was editing for a class. Then what follows was pretty much just any other regular day. Went to my orthodontist, got x-rayed which is always cool, had my breakfast in Starbucks, and dyed my hair once more. It was uncessful and the color barely showed. But hey, if anything goes wrong, I can always wear a wig.
People pay in theraphy to achieve the sensitivity level I have. Being sensitive is the best thing ever. If only people knew how long it took me to be in touoch with my emotions again. Being overrly sensitive is being aware of your surroundings and knowing how to put yourself in other's shoues. Sure, I might be overthinking everything. But recogizing another's feeling isn't just some altruistic act, if more people were sesitive, everyone would've given way for each other and we'd live a lot more peacefully. Being sensitive makes it so that I can notive the slightest changes in my environment and gain intense feelings over it. I wish more people were like this. At midnight, I facetimed with Rhett and it felt nice because we haven't talked in like the longest while.
I always cry when I'm with Sirko. I excused myself out and kind of just cried in the bathroom. I had club and it was horrible because I didn't get the position I wanted. Sirko reassures me and told me that she once made her older sister read one of my works and she was in awe saying I was so good at writing. And she's been through writing competitions! To Sirko I can admit, that I'm just too soft for all of it. After club, I went to uptown with Sine and went out on a little Starbucks date with her (still using the Mavis name). The temporary escape of me going out to ignore my feelings was shortly disrupted when I got home and saw the messages from my friends asking me how I was. I love them so so much and they have no idea how much they mean to me.
I drew stars around everyone's hands. My classmates lined up to get stars drawn on their hands. It was the absolute cutest thing ever. It was cute but it definietely fed my God complex.
Found time to watch Enola Holmes 2. God of War: Ragnarok released today and the line was very long. We waited and managed to get a copy. Cool, cool. Went to the bookstore and found a bunch of good classic books. I guess they restocked too. I looked for the one book Nefer recommended and I can't wait to read it. It was a children's book so finding it was actually so hard. I got the 100th edition, so that's awesome too.
Went uptown again to hang out with Sine. It was one of those after school spontaneous plans. I should find a new term for that because at this point, this happens every week. How about fedoras? Just the first thing that came into my mind.
The origin of my Mavis Starbucks name.
A series of embarassing events. I don't even want to talk about it because by recognizing it, it might become an actual memory. Me and Sirko created this "Paris" place inspired from Taylor's song Paris and essentially it's that feature in Instagram where you can hide your messages (vanish mode) and there, we can gossip but everything in that place can only stay there and once everything is deleted, we are to forget about it. We had the best Paris ever and we both got Karma-ed so hard when at the end of the day, we each had a bunch of embarassing stories to tell each other. And I can vouch for it being real embarassing. After I got home, I tried dyeing my hair. It was unsuccessful so I will be trying again. Nefer, the new character who suddenly texted me one random day, was giving me hair dyeing tips! Will try recoloring after a few days. Wish me luck.
Flight back home. Got some Dior stuff at the airport too. On our way back in the car, my mom was even casually talking about Taylor's concert and I swear I still can't believe it. Incredibly tiring day. Unpacked my stuff (packing and unpacking are one of my two favorite things to do).
Breakfast. Taylor Swift. Here's the context: I was casually having breakfast with my parents, I brought Taylor Swift up, my mom nonchalantly said that I can go to her concert. The Era's Tour Concert. Not even a second after she said we're going to go on summer, both my parents got up and left me. Right Where You Left Me (get it?) in awestruck, speechless state, unable to process what had just happened. They said they'll get the tickets to LA and I can get the Taylor tickets immediately. I'm going to Taylor's Era Tour with my best frined Sirko. I somehow managed to continu eon with my day,go on trains, even buy more Vivienne Westwood. I'm going to The Taylor Concert with Sirko.
Checked in at another hotel near Tokyo Bay. We had a new set of food in the breakfast buffet and it was nice. We went to Disney Sea and I had this awesome Idea of wearing those Blue Lock jerseys, a beanie, and literally no pants. I think I froze to death. The rides we went to was fun. When we went on that one Journey to the Center of the Earth ride, I experienced this flashback of my first time riding there. The weird sea creatures came and I new the drop would happen. God I love rollercoasters. Passed out after I got back into the hotel.
I saw Connor! Yup. I'd say that's the main event for the day but I some few pieces from Vivienne Westwood. I love Vivienne Westwood.
I was texting with Sirko on the subway and we had this one discussion before about how every friend has one flaw and you just have to accept it. After thinking about the friendship we specifically have, we've both decided that we don't think we've ever seen a flaw in each other. Atleast not the detrimental for our friendship kind. So here's our conclusion: We dont see flaws in each other because we have similar flaws which then therefore cancels everything out. It's so funny because how can we be so perfect for each other?
Another notable event, three years ago before the pandemic, we would go to Shibuya once or thrice a year. We would always go to this one particular ramen place. We went to this place again and to our surprise, the same family still runs the place.
Nefer. Potential new character in my life.
It's my mom's birthday. We went to Disneyland. Whenever we need a map for anything, everyone expects me to look at it and just automatically memorize everything. I love navigators but it's ironic because I get lost in Minecraft every 5 seconds but I actually am great at reading them. Not like it's hard but most people are too lazy to be bothered you know? It's fun though. I wandered the park multiple times again. I love it when I'm left unsupervised. My baby brother is finally tall enough to ride the Space Mountain and Big Thunder Mountain. He had the red tag and surprisingly, there wasn't any long lines that took place. He's been to Disneyland for probably 4 or 5 times already or more... He's only 4 years old. We watched the parade at the end and my baby brother recognized a bunch of characters because he's finally old enough to know who they are. I don't ever get tired of Disneyland. I'm going to be a child forever because that's how I want it. I don't want to grow old and I love enjoying my time. My older brother was pissed the whole day because the reception was bad and he couldn't talk to his girlfriend, but that didn't even stop me from still having fun.
Maybe I always disappear because I'm actually god doing god duties. Took the shinkansen to visit the Osaka Castle, shopped for stuff in Dotonbori, then transferred to Tokyo. I wore like my favorite garment ever. This certain garment has this elaborated back story of how it came to me. Long story short, this piece of clothing and I were tied togther by a red string. It's Sirko's favorite too because of that story.
I am the chosen one. Fun Fact, one of the things that makes the Star War's Franchise amazing is the fact that there wouldn't be any Star Wars without Anakin. Everything revolved around him because he's the chosen one. Perfect plot. I've been waiting for this day for like 2 years now. It's Halloween. I love Halloween. You get to dress up and everyone around you is dressed up too. We were in Universal Studios and although I wanted to wear my Slytherine set, Anakin will always weigh much greater in choosing a better costume. I remember I even practiced the Obi-Ani Spin a while back. Extremely fun day. Night time, I got chased around by zombies and whatever creatures. Made friends with the One Piece cosplayers. I just loved how I was Anakin and everything else followed. A kid approached me too and literally said "woah" in awe of my costume. Probably was another Star Wars fan. I love that he even recognized me. I know it's popular but an entire amusement park filled with people in costumes at Halloween and I could swear with every fiber in my body that not one was wearing anything Star Wars related. I'm pretty sure I explored the park for like 3 times because I have no idea. This isn't my first time in Universal Studios Japan either. I'd say it was the Halloween spirit. I love Halloween.
Possibly the best breakfast ever. It tops the Egg Bennedict I had like a few years ago. We took the shinkansens and even though I can't read Kanjis (only Hiragana and Katakana...), I've had previous experience with trains here already. So we went to Kyoto and visited Kinjaku-ji, the Bamboo Forest, Fushimi Inari-Taisha, had dinner with the Geisha show thing, and went back to the hotel. Very busy day. We've had past visits with some of the places we went to today - but the sceneries will still never fail to astound me. Also I bought a chess board and played with my brother but I still lost.
I also woke up today with like a bunch of long messages from acquiantances... They were apologizing for I don't know what.
Early flight. I played music and time went by so quickly. My brother and I had seats next to each other so we talked a bit. We had like one of those deep talks and I swear, he's the only one who can change my frame of mind. Arrived at the hotel at Osaka (Universal Port) and rested. I know Pewds is like near where we were staying because he posted stories about it. That's epic I think.
After school, I went to a dog cafe with my friends. It was like the funniest thing ever. And I swear dogs love me. While I was out, it was pointed out to me that I actually know a lot of people. Cause every 5 seconds, I'd come across someone I know and say hi. It doesn't make any sense because I always swear people hate me... but then people are keeping their connections with me? I'm like a social butterfly who isn't a butterfly... like a moth! who's pretending to be a butterfly... that is the single most exhausting thing in the world.
I started packing for a trip while in a Facetime with Ria, Sirko, and Lane. We were gossiping and It felt awesome. People say you should pack like a week before... but I really don't have the time.
Safe to say I obliterated everyone in Connect 4. I'm too good. I just never lose. I finally experienced that Injustice story that happened with my brother in the arcade. I remain undefeated. We had this like little project wherein we had to dress up as characters from the Franchise of Despicable Me. Great stuff.
People aren't so great however. I am too soft for all this (yup, a Taylor reference).
I made spontaneous plans again. I finished up some projects I had, played the piano a bit because I was restless and fidgety. Missed my first plan to spend the day with a bunch of people I don't know. They're a year older and I was invited because of my brother's girlfriend. I went to the cafe down the block and met up with Sine and another friend. We studied there and it was very nice.
I explained to my friend the song Would've Could've Should've and he actually cried. It crippled me to be honest.
We dd finishe a lot of stuff and it was an overall great study group session. Will be doing again, same place.
I had this common friend with this one guy I stopped being friends with. Apparently the friendship termination notice I sent only processed in his brain after like 6 months. Too bad for him.
I could barely focus in class. U had like 10 different accounts, browsers, tabs, and whatever else I could use to stream Taylor Swift's new album Midnights. Taylor is about to take over all te top 10 spots in the Billboard Hot 100. I was following every streaming rule too.
October 01, I had this one thoughts index question entry. I've decided that obscurity doesn't measure one's (great) taste in music. Child Cy really loved Taylor Swift. She was a fan. She stopped listening to Taylor because she taught Taylor was overrated. I rediscovered this year how lyrically genius Taylor actually is and I regret falling off her fandom. I've listened to every single genre of music ever (atleast I'd like to think I have). It's sad coming across people who hate Taylor because she's overrated. Trust me, I spend hours in music apps looking for songs with the lowest streams ever. You can always enjoy overrated and underrated music.
I was editing this project we had and I ran into a problem. The application I was using kept on crashing during import. I tried buying the subscription and everything. I was speedrunning it until like fricking dawn. So horrible.
Studying. Did a bit of advance studying for math. It went pretty well. Given that I did fall asleep while watching some youtube videos. Finally updated my blog so yay!
A wizard day. I napped every chance I got. I wasn't doing anything academically important so I decided to practice writing with my non-dominant hand. My hands have been hurting for like a month now. For the remains of the day, I relearned the Rubiks Cube algorithms. It was very easy since I kind of already knew how. I practiced a bit and averaged like somewhere around 1:50 minutes. My initial action after that was of course to challenge my older brother. 8 years ago, I learned how to solve a Rubiks cube. He learned it too after a while. Then he challenged me and I've only ever lost agaisnt him since. Now, he doesn't even know how to solve one. All just muscle memory. He still beat me.
The gloom I used to constantly feel has faded down. I went to the high-streets with my friends and it was fun. There were some underlying problems that remained unspoken. I fetched my friends, ate at a Chinese restaurant, then spilled the xia long bao. Bought some matching stuff with Sine from Muji too. Wandered around then went to Tim Hortons before going home. Except I wasn’t exactly going home because I’m a busy person. I had a seminar (for the school paper) and I was running late. I cried when I realized I couldn’t make it. Unfortunate. And to think that I consider myself great at scheduling. So stupid. When I arrived back home, I studied some more. Who needs rest? How am I still functioning?
I have this like kind-of-protocol to get Starbucks whenever I'm invited into a friend's house. I think it's a good way to appreciate a friend's effort into hosting. I hate being the host. It's like you're given responsibilities, making it less fun for you. Not that it matters expecially if I'm doing it for the people I literally love most. Hosting for closest friends > hosting in general.
Taylor Day! Today's the official release of Taylor Swift's new album, Midnights! I went over to Sirko's house to listen to the new album with her. I brought Posca Paint Markers and a T-Shirt, Sirko got Sharpies, and we made our own Junior Jewels T-Shirts. We looped You Belong With Me while making it too. We healed our inner childhoods engaging in that activity. The time came, Midnights was released. I don't even have any words for it. We recorded our reactions so that's cool. But I just can't put it into words. You know that one Jane Austen quote from Emma, “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more." That feeling of being overwhelmed with so much love that you can't express it anymore. We had lunch then her sister drove us out to get boba. I love her sister so much. She's so nice. Along with the theme, Sirko and I painted our nails all the ten album covers Taylor has. I went home sadly. This day is still definitely going into my core memory.
We got a new dog! Very fluffy Samoyed. We had this event at school and I was chosen as a leader for it (to like read stuff) it's pretty ironic. I bet every higher entity ever loves me. See I had this problem with this one other event overlapping with another and I was physically incapable of fixing it. It was somehow fixed. Omg. I think the reason why the world loves me is because the same day, I literally got all my friend's water bottles that weren't finished and watered the plants with it. My friends were happy for me until I received this other notice that tomorrow, I had this other seminar I needed to attend to. I'm just an extremely busy person. My friends were actually getting stressed out from my problems because my schedule was so not flexible when it usually was.
Possibly a rest day. I did fix and filled up some very important documents. I don't think I did anything academic related (I forgot) but I doubt that because I'm always doing something.
I had math as my last subject and Ria was waiting for me. I went to her with my hands shaking. Since everyone literally failed, we were given this second test in which whatever score we'd get there, is going to be used as an additional to our actual midterms test. Great, that math test has finally found closure in my mind. Unfortunately, my school is so inconsistent with their schedule it's getting frustrating. They change it every hour. I have this grave problem with the new schedule. Should I option a. kill myself, or option b. hospitalize myself somehow. I slept because I was actually so exhausted. I woke up and saw Ria's sister messaging me so I talked with her while she talked about like the 5 boys that had a crush on her. I told her boys have cooties.
I love getting ready for school. Something about it is very therapeutic. I'd say my love for it is almost the same as my love for my daily 3-5 showers (Sirko if you're reading this... I know you're probably shaking your head because you know how much I love showers but getting ready is *chefs kiss*). Did well in my title proposal I think. I mean, we got props for it but I don't know. I failed every other subject miserably after that. Me and Ria built new matching lego bracelets! I'll never eat in the school cafeteria ever again. Mark this day because I'll stand by this statement eternally.
I should've been doing my reaction paper but I talked to Ria's sister all night :'D. Kids actually love me and I don't know why.
The sky's pure blue. I think that's awesome. I finally had some leisure time available. I picked up a book and started reading... again... after a month. I wasn't exactly free the entire day. I had this journal project thing for my Psychology class and all I really had to do was copy and paste stuff from this blog into that output.
I read this article on falling in love (I was researching for this Falling In and Out of Love Algorithm Sirko requested I make) and it turns out being in love boosts your immune system. This explains why I'm sick every week tbh (I'm obviosuly joking). Anyway, since I can't move on from that math test I just took, Sine went over to her tutor and asked the exact test questions. I was right. The tutor did the same exact thing I did. When I looked at my dms, it was actually flooded. I had like 7 more or less people asking me to check their thesis statements and outlines.
Every single question in the mock quizzes I made came out in the test. I finished all the tests so fast. I didn't even study for this one subject and still managed to get it done within 15 minutes (I know the time because I had my phone with me and for some reasons the proctor didn't care - look, I could've cheated but I didn't.) It was so easy. There's a guy in school who has this old school camera series in Instagram and he stopped me and Sine for a picture. Yay! I got included in like something I genuinely find cool. I mean to be fair, we're friends so... We went to Panda Express after school. Then headed straight to uptown because it was near anyway. Did some karaoke (Taylor Swift songs), bought some stuff. Also got the matching lego bracelets with Sine. Went to starbucks and when everyone left, I saw Skylar and we hung out for a bit in Shake-Shack.
Sine reserved this enclosed spot in the library for our group of friends to study in before the midterms start. It was refreshing.
It hurts because I know everything there is to know about Math. I made an error that might've possibly affected my entire paper.(Spoiler Alert: I wasn't wrong with my answers) So yeah, the fated day, midterms. I did well in all the other subjects, but my math potential results trumps over my whole mood. I'm a failure. How do I punish myself? I came home crying. I told my mom about it. I explained what happened. My friends were confused too. Sine is really smart at math which is why I call her Sine. She made the same mistake I did. The formatting of the equations in math wasn't the same thing that was taught and that we've practiced for weeks. It made sense for me to do what I did. I do know that the learning curve is really low. Mid exams, there was this one girl who announced she gave up and just left her paper blank. A chunk of people followed her. After taking the test, I actually had an instant realization, and what I don't get is, how could my classmates give up that easily? The math test was so easy. If only the format was the similar one our professor made, I could've gotten a perfect score. For further context, I'm pretty sure our math professor didn't make our test because it was similar to my friend in Stem's Math professor's tests. Isn't it unfair that we're taught differently but we actually had to learn what they were learning? Also, someone has been spreading around my reviewers and claiming it as their own so that's great. People grateful for him too. I privated it once again. That and there was this one dude who had beef with my friend so I only did what was right. I deprived him from the only thing he was counting on to pass the exams. It's not like I owe them anything. Back to when I got home and cried infront of my parents, I cried for 3 more hours and slept a bit then finally composed myself. I made some mock tests for the remaining exams we have for tomorrow. Gave them away. Memorized a lot of things. Fell asleep reading some materials.
It's my brother's 18 birthday. Midterms is tomorrow. I had this group study scheduled. Early in the morning I had to go to his house and at the same time, people were calling and messaging me. I'm just so popular during days like these. I was litreally already in a study group but was at the same time, in different calls. Not to mention all the maths questions I was getting one after the other. Aroudn 4PM, I had to attend my RSVP'ed dinner for my brother's birthday. I find it miserable knowing his teenage years are over. There was this whole extravagant live food cooking happening in front of me but my eyes were stuck on this clipboard I bought with like 50 math problems or something. All I did was study, study, study. I could've been free if I didn't help like 10 individual people understand out lessons. I have this reviewer that other people use too... and I privated it because my friends were telling me people were using me. I did and it didn't end well. Apparently I'm like a horrible person who's so selfish. They say this after I fricking taught them every single subject one on one through calls. When I could've been studying for my own. They say this after I've provided them with reviewers on not just midterms but also every tests. I publiced it again. They're so reliant on me that it's not great. This day was so stressful. I was everywhere and yet was still studying. People were mad at me and not a single person thanked me. All I ask for is some appreciation because I actually do love helping. Why are people so cruel?
My window has not been opened in days. I made this lego stop-motion. Cutest thing ever. I wasn't so stressed out this day. well, I was but... I didn't complain as much. I've been sleeping in between my studies. Mad at this particular group of friends (they're my acquaintances) because they were attacking my friend and indirectly me. Basically they're excluding me and Sine because we're "naturally smart". It's a compliment but I am not naturally smart. I acknowledge my talent because my brain can easily pick up information but I quite literally study every single day and they're completely just invalidating all my efforts. My routine has changed drastically these past few days. I used to be with Ria every single day just playing or coding (basically anything fun). Now, I'm studying with Sine and the others memorizing until my brain capacity could, then around midnight, Skylar would call me for tutoring. We were given the pointers for our midterms in Science and there's whole section for a lesson that was literally never taught. After like an hour or so of searching up stuff, I found the perfect PDF that explained the lesson well. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty sure there was atleast like 7 topics that was never discussed. We were given this folder with youtube links and I can attest for the youtube videos being useless with barely any information in it.
Study. I memorized everything for this one test and it turned out to be an essay type test. F in the chat. I continued studying because somehow midterms is already like a few days from now. I tutored Skylar around midnight. It was a very productive and tiring day. I fixed my schedule. I will be strictly following it to maximize my knowledge per each subject and ensure that I atleast have enough to answer in the midterms per each subject.
Bright suns! I woke up to find out about the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences deciding to award the Nobel prize of Physics to Alan Aspect, John Clauser, and Anton Seilinger. It's pretty cool! I don't really understand it that much but basically they hypothesized particles in an entagnled pair possibly have hidden variales. So they're saying that quantum mechanics allows two or more particles to exist in an entangled state - meaning whatever happens to one particle (as long as they've at least once entered this state) will happen to the other particle even if they're apart. Another reason to never touch a person ever again just dropped. I've been studying with Sine for days while in call, also doing those mini vlogs at midnight when I'm cooking (putting stuff in the toaster oven or air fryer). I've been googling symptoms again and I think I'm going to die soon.
Last few hours of freedom until I completely wallow msyelf into the world of studying. I need help in math. Had another orthodonstist appoinment then went uptown to buy some miscellaneous stuff I needed. Whenevever I'm out and those sales people approach me, I literally run the other direction. Ask Sirko, I'm not exaggerating when I say I run the other way. I don't even try to hide my fear. They're so intimidating that whenever I'm out, Sirko just receives like a hundred notifications coming from me saying that I'm crying because my social anxiety is so bad. I might not seem like it but it's actually so hard and a lot of people don't even understand. I came home and had a zoom conference with Sirko. I continued studying like what this day was originally intended for.
Okay, I know I said I needed help in math like literally in the previous paragraph but... Best day ever! I finally get math! Like it's so easy. Special thanks to Sine who helped so much. Now I can't stop bugging her telling her we should play another round of Maths.
I still love Mazzy Star. Looped Flowers in December the whole day.
I actually need a tutor or something. Nah I don't. Nothing will ever replace The Organic Chemistry Tutor. The dude is so awesome and he makes literally everything fun to do. I caught up with some stuff in school while kind of just skipping the current classes I had. It's better to use the time catching up and understanding everything rather than not retaining anything and just wasting time you know? Since it's friday, we have clubs. My friend Julius asked me to help him with his debate docs. Super fun. Then for my club, the school paper, I just had to write about this article and holy frick I love speed writing. The adrenaline and knowing I finished on time was so satisfactory. I even got to ask and do the quickest call interviews with some people. After class, we promptly just decided to go out because we deserved it. I met up with them and we went everywhere. We ate in Pepper Lunch and I burned my tongue from eating so much. It wasn't much but for someone who doesn't eat everyday, I was so nauseous. Super, super fun, again. I get to tick off a box from my (non-existent) bucket list! I saved my friend who wasn't paying attention in the crossing from literally getting ran over.
I really liked this day. I wasn't doing anything so I didn't have to stay up too late. I did some auditing for our class. I love receipts and organizing so it wasn't even a burden. Had a sleep call with Sine (lasted for 24 hours duration time got resetted). I finally decided what I'd do for my future. Everything is jsut going perfectly in the right direction. I downloaded twitter and no, I'm not transferring there. I'm all for the Web Manifestos, I still prefer Web1 over Web2 (specially prefer both over Web3). Awesome day and I didn't feel like throwing up which I've been feeling for the past month every single day now.
My baby brother is in the hospital again. Pretty horrible, I know. I was studying all day again. I did spend my whole day in a call with someone (by someone i mean like 4 different people and one was a group of people). Then I cried because I corrected someone and I feel like they hate me now. Omg wait, I did rediscover the best song ever. This song was Rhett's recommendation (2 years ago). I'm only appreciating it now because I decided to search up a deep analysis of it and I love it. I'm obsessed with the song now. The song is Fade Into You by Mazzy Star. Here's the link for the analysis I read. Please check it out because It's great.
Snoozed my alarm so many times I only had like 30 minutes left to get ready. My house is really near school though so it doesn't matter. Wore a Trafalgar Law Hoodie because One Piece Film: Red. (Spoiler Alert: Tickets weren't available) I liked [redacted] for a day just to prove something. Was it fun? yes. Do I see myself doing it again in the future? Possibly. I'm too busy though so probably not in like a few months again. Also it didn't end well because I'm pretty sure (not really) that he likes another girl.
Okay, now for the part of the day that I absolutely love. Ria and I went out for a study date! Except... there wasn't any studying. The moment we entered the mall, a dog approached me. I fricking love dogs. Then Ria somehow spotted every single cat ever. And a cat that looked like me which was actually the only one that mattered. Then we ate at Popeyes. Wasn't very fun for Ria I'd say. I mean it's bad enough that she has to force me to eat but also, every 5 seconds, she had to endure me sharing with her "what if" questions about the sanitary of fast-food work areas. Moving on, I know Ria just ordered matching lego bracelets for us yesterday... but we went into the Lego store and saw different colored ones; I had to get it. I also bought myself a Darth Maul figurine. That's actually epic. Eventually, Ria left me and I just went to the bookstore to pass time. I finally found the Metamorphoses book by Ovid I've been looking for since like July or something. You'd think I would've passed out after such a long day. No, I started studying literally after I showered.
Imagine if I was an actual buckethead. Like a Stormtrooper. Doesn't matter if I don't have aim. It'd be a much better world if I were one. I feel like I one day, a week or two ago, just altogther stopped sleeping and eating. Then I'd complain about being nauseous for the entire day. My friends are literally used to it and are just accepting it at this point. Like verbally saying "yep, there she goes again". Me and Ria decided to buy matching lego bracelets. We're the coolest people ever.
I can't find the perfect song to loop and now everything is in dissonance. See, without something to loop, my mind will wander elsewhere and that's not what we want. Ria isn't around too (she's hasn't been on a call with me for a day but we still text everyday) and I can't function without her. I'm pretty much everywhere today and am actually lost. Like no sense of direction I might as well walk on a tightrope blind folded. I want to read a book so so bad. If I wasn't so busy I could've already been on the 90th book for the year or something.
Hi. I didn't have the best day yesterday. Totally alright. I barely had a today. I woke up around like 3 PM and slept early. I was so tired from the previous week that my entire body just went into hibernation mode or something. I got a manipedi (and wanted to dye my hair back to purple but couldn't because school health inspection), then slept for the night. Didn't indulge in any entertainments. It more of a self-care day... I just did nothing the whole day. Normally I'd go crazy knowing I haven't done anything for the day. This day was different. I was very tired. I liked this day.
Maybe I just wasn't the brightest lightsaber in the galaxy. I was nauseous the whole day. My entire body is failing me. Rhett told me to carry around cold water and drink that. No sleep, no eat. I was telling Sirko about my week since I kind of just disappeared. Everyone's used to it at this point. But then when Sirko finally asked me "What happened?" We didn't see each other for a day or two, and now I'm falling apart. I love Paris Geller with all my heart. I'm now exactly just like her. I don't want to go into detail about the crapfest I'm in because talking about that would be lame on my part. Let's talk about that one test that I was supposed to only get like 1 mistake from. Why did I not double check my answers and just submitted when I literally skipped 2 numbers (pretty sure by accident because I went through the test so fast). I mean I don't mind it as much because I still got a relatively high grade. Me and Ria finally finished the book we've been making fun of! I've only read 7 books this month so I'm hoping I can read like 2 more before this month ends.
During club hours, I impulsively cut my hair. Sirko had her laptop with her and she recorded the whole thing (I used her Mac as my mirror in photobooth). I love it when fun stuff like those gets documented. Very fun to go look back on. On my way home, Sirko and I stopped by the Activities Office, we were asking for any extra curricular we could possibly take. To our disappointment, they're apparently limiting it which... why.
I was waiting for my ride when I saw a couple of my friends pass by. I heard they were going out, so I just joined. Another spontaneous thing. I just genuinely want to escape from myself. I didn't even get permission until I was already uptown. Surprisingly, I actually had fun. I even started approaching random people and helping them with stuff. I finally ate something, our chats were like so fun. I needed the break. Long story short it was a bad time. Maybe I needed this experience to listen and finally appreciate this masterpiece of a song.
I was wearing a Nirvana hoodie and somebody finally quizzed me! I don't even listen to them that much, but I aced that quiz. I have like this default answer (memorized it a while back for this exact event).
Please tell me I'm reading it wrong.
We had like 3 summatives today and I'm pretty sure the first two were either a perfect or 1 mark off. I did great in the Oral Communications thing too so that's awesome. I studied again after I got home, had Skylar help me with some stuff. He sent recordings and everything and
appreciate it so much. Midnight I got help from a friend too. They're like super epic.
I didn't sleep last night because I was consumed by my thoughts. I'm feeling the fatigue so much and my eyes are literally dropping. I had cup ramen for dinner because that's the best study food. It's unhealthy too so that's great for my self sabotage because I really just want an excuse to punish myself. I never did deserve anything. I love it when I can read myself like a book. I'm a neglected child and don't like change. I want everything to be consistent. Instead of trying to become better, I'd rather things be exactly the same because It's comforting in a way. I had an argument with my dad so I know I wouldn't be sleeping tonight again. My hands have been hurting the whole day; won't be surprised if I really do develop a carpal tunnel syndrome. You know what did save me this day? Ryan Trahan's new video. My breakfast's stuyding, lunch is studying, dinner is my parent telling me how much of a mistake I am. I hate people.
Ria suggested we do our hair in the bathroom every morning, as an addition to our daily routines. Isn't that just the cutest thing ever? We practically spend every drop of time there is together. I looked at The Revoir's top listeners and found out I was on top. That makes me feel very accomplished because they're like the coolest people ever. I cried for my classmate because I felt lightheaded from our professor yelling. I never was good at confrontations. I couldn't focus on anything the whole day after. Then I cried again because our Math summative was made into a take home one. What a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
I actually have a life. Went out, ran some errands... or two. Got home, rested, went out again. Finallly did some studying for science. I'm dying because I'm still trying to find the best study technique that I seem to have lost. I mean, I used to never study. Been stuyding for like 4 hours now which is kind of dumb. No actually, this is a cry for help. I'm not even stuyding, I just want to get away and enter another world.Have an excuse to deprive myself from sleep and food. I've studied more today than my usually already excessive amount of studying. Atleast I had a great hair day.
I took my English 114 test today. I had one mistake and now I'm pestering another teacher because I'm pretty sure my paper was marked wrong. I'll update you later, I know she made a error. I love complaining. Not in a bad way, just in a persistent for my grades because if I'm less than anything then I'm a failure in life. My brother Luke's girlfriend also texted me around like 2AM. She's very nice. I ate two pieces of corndogs and I personally think that that's the only amount of corndogs you can eat before you're full. I did some insane sphagetti coding today... I know it's a temporary fix so I'm just leaving it to future Cy. If I don't atleast see a result today... I might actually go crazy.
Quite a hectic day.I wanted to study but I physically couldn't. I felt sick the whole entire day. Luckily, it was moved and maybe the Makers (God Anakin in a Threepio way) do love me. I read 3 books today because desperately needed to read a bunch of classics as I was finally made aware that I was 12 books behind in my reading goal of a hundred books this year. Halfway through the day, my parents decided we should visit the penthouse. My dad does not have a single ounce of patience so I panicked and got into multiple tiny little accidents... I won't share it here because even though I over share here a lot... it was pretty horrible. Before we went out, I had to do a quick shower and I picked out the first clothes I could touch. Possibly the most hedious outfit I've ever worn in my entire life. Nonetheless, it was still all good. We were gonna go into just another one of our properties anyway. No one's gonna see you in your own home right? Wrong. Because we then later on went out to the nearest mall for dinner. It wasn't that bad to be completely honest. I was hungrier so I couldn't care less. Maybe back then I would've been super embarassed... Surprisingly I wasn't at all.
A few days ago, I found out that the Sims 4 was going to become permanently free (at October 18, 2022 to be exact). It's aiming for the results Fortnite got with their strategy. Free game, paid modifications. I wanna see where it leads to actually. I mean, EA is the epitome of paid everything. I feel bad for the people who just got Sims within like this month. I think it's good for them though.
I love the power of convenience. After class, I took a two hour nap. I was famished since I haven't eaten all day. To draw a picture, I was passed out on the foyer carpet near the main door of our house. The moment I opened my eyes, ten seconds later, my mom comes in with like burgers. On the hierarchy of super powers I would want to get... well, one is of course, the power of probability, and the second one would definitely be convenience. If you think about it, it's kind of the same thing. Except you can control probability, but with convenience, you're just kind of lucky at all times. But now that I think about it, It's like... when you say that phrase like "Wouldn't it be so convenient if [this] happened.", and it happens so... that's like being able to control the surrounding except sometimes, your surroundings conveniently makes everything convenient for you already without having to ask for it. But having to ask for it would activate it too. So that's like... double the convenience! Don't get me wrong, probability will always be better because with that, you can bring downfall on humanity - ragnarok but you're the one starting every major catastrophe. "The probability of you dying? 100%." as an example. Did you know that there's a 1 in 300,000 chances of an asteroid strike. Next time you're living, think about how you'll never know when suddenly we're all disintegrated into nothingness.
Still been sleeping. As we all know, I shower quite a lot. So basically sleep, try to wake up by showering, somehow sleep again, repeat. I did have some online classes today. My Oral Communications professor I've been badgering and pestering around for like two weeks, finally let me do the activity I missed! The great thing about it is the fact that it was originally a group work wherein he's call out a group member and if that person got his answer wrong, you'd all get an F. The highest score for it was like one mistake. I got a perfect score alone! It's a huge weight lifted off, and a huge ego boost. Did I mention that out of all the test scores announced, I've so far always had the top score.
Around midnight, me and Ria decided to be productive. So I coded (a lot), while she made herbutton! You should link her to your site too :D. It's my friend Marinette's birthday in a few hours and we need to get our stuff together. I computed for the time that it would take for us to finish everything up for the surprise. My results were not as good. We did do the task successfully. It was still fun. Despite the fact that we were 11 minutes late (atleast by the time I sent out the cards). We had to scratch so many ideas because school is interferring with like every free time we have. In fact, I have a test or two tomorrow!... And this upcoming Saturday too...
I can't stop sleeping. I've slept for over 10 times this day. Like long ones...
I came across this video talking about a Ted Talk by Emilie Wapnick. This Ted Talk was about people who were always the Jack-of-All-Trades. She made this little phenomenon coprehensible. She called those individuals "multipotentialites" or "multipods" - someone who doesn't want to be just one thing. It's a struggle because I'm always juggling so many different kinds of fire. My anxiety eats up everything and it gets hard to focus on one thing. Some people have told me I probably just have ADHD. I think I do have focus. Just not enough time and my hyperfixations have limits. Maybe I do though, there's no way of telling. Whenever I need to introduce myself (especially those ones with the tell me three things about yourself), I used to always give out the most vague things. A script I prepared for those instances was "I like learning new things, I like cats, and dogs.". A lot of people love making one thing their whole personality. I never understood that. I would never list out the things I like because I have way too many things I like. Ria, as I was making this website, told me to do an about me. I told her that I am physically not capable of doing that. I have way too many talents and hobbies; I am not a shallow person. Back to Emilie Wapnick, she actually wrote a book about people like me. It's called "How to Be Everything: A Guide for Those Who (Still) Don't Know What They Want to Be When They Grow Up". The title makes so much sense because I always say that I don't have a dream career. In the book, there was a page with a subsection called "Not being 'The Best' Isn't the Same as Being Mediocre". Some love to take out the negative connotation of the Jack of All Trades phrase by adding ",master of none". But they always choose to leave out the second line, "but oftentimes better than master of one". Being a multipod might have its challenges, but I hate how everything we learn and practice is disregarded because other people think that it isn't possible to be good at many things. To justify their own one goal path, they invalidate ours. However way you may want to live your life, as long as you're doing something, it's good. I'm hoping to soon get the physical copy of this book.
Ria and I made fun of books in the library again. Came home from school early because classes were suspended due to heavy rainfall. We had an event too so it was one of those rare days that you wouldn't wish a day off on. My social battery died quickly because I talked to so many people - whom which I still think hates me; partly because I hate myself, partly, because I'm friends with everyone in the (purposely) shallowest way possible. I came home and two random guys weirdly enough messaged me out of nowhere. I told my friends I'd plaque an I told you so - referring to people hating me. I went to the sofa and passed out for like 3 fricking hours. Woke up, showered,... showered again... Now I'm gonna write some contracts as a way of therapy.
Bright suns! My friends and I played an impromptu Dungeons and Dragons game! Fun fact, I'm the eternal dungeon master :D. I have a god complex so it works out for the best. Originally, It was just me, Sirko, and Ria, then I invited a friend to join us too and it wasn't so bad. Logging a summary of the game here, It was a Christmas Special One-Shot, and basically what happened was Ria ate everything, the other was the logical one, and Sirko was always either sick or dead. This day was kind of long. I studied too before the day ended. Sooner or later I'm going to be burnt-out.
Cy's Descent to Madness: Day 1. Math, math, and math. Wish me luck! I went back to study math from its very fundamentals; worked my way up to current lesson. Don't get me wrong, I actually love math! Sometimes I even go through those math forums and start learning those pdf files attached on some submissions. My math journey went surprisingly well. Everything was more on revisioning and I completely understood everything. Then somebody posted the formative test answers... It was hard... It's impossible! Our last lesson didn't even contain half of the test! I'm doomed. I'm naturally smart so I'm stuck and don't know what to do. Turns out I'm so behind.
Update: If I don't die now when I'm still considered smart, i'll end up dying dumb.
I discovered this really cool artist a while back. She wrote about Dave Rygalski and I obviously raved about it. I DMed her telling her how much I love her new release and she replies! I have this strategy or trick whenever an artist releases a new song and I use it to get noticed. So far I it's at a hundred percent success rate. It quite literally works like a charm every single time.
I went to another orthodontist appoinment (September 20, 2022 Cy insert: It's funny how as I'm writing this, I can still remember the parkign lot number - P2G2). Went home, showered for like the third time *I'm a sligth germaphobe as you all might know by now* I worked on some of the toolkit page's medias and coded just a tiny bit for this website.
Not a very bright suns greeting. Alpha Centauri A I guess. Didn't sleep nor eat again. I was elected dir the role of auditor in my class today so... yay! math. I was told twice today that my presence is very easy to miss (long for me kind of miss). They said it was weird and didn't know the reason why. I still don't know where I get the energy from. I feel like a dead girl. I finally returned the book I borrowed from the library! For the school paper, I nominated Sirko as our treasurer. She got like a voting count close to all. Lane voted for me as the auditor there again too... but I only got like 3 votes. Kind of depressing right? But listen, the other girl was given the chance to introduce herself and list her credentials. The only fault was that all those listed weren't about auditing. I only got to say I was studying business management and I was cut off. But I say that was more than enough over someone who has been in the papers for a long time, but didn't mention anything about financially managing stuff. Unfair! I wanted to say I won awards in competitions too! Oh well, that's only 2 points off my overall grades for my run as an honor student. I'll get another extra curricular! Just to be like my normal self, I want to tell you that this further proves my "everybody hates me" theory. Omg I made friends with a new dude today! Smartest guy in class... so that's like good for me. Pre-evening, I went to uptown with my friends Sirko, Lane, and Ria. Super fun! I bought two more books though... And since Sirko and I have decided on this read-10-books-before-buying-another-book book ban, I'm gonna justify that purchase by saying: The first book I got was a pre-order and the other was this very nice copy of Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters To a Young Poet. It's another copy! Doesn't count.
I don't exist. I haven't been sleeping nor eating this week. I've been studying every single day. This whole week we were given this very official schedule of test dates. Like seriously 2-3 tests per day. They all got cancelled. They were cancelled out of nowhere too! I feel so frustrated because we're not even given atleast one day of rest after our midterms. We don't have time! Now all our tests are gonna be twice as long - midterm long. If I fail those, goodbye straight A student Cy. Oh yea and we recelebrated Lane's birthday.
My brother brought home a girl and introduced her to like our parents. She's so nice so I'm good (and by nice i mean she waves at me in the hallways).
The sheer thought of all the things I need to study right now is making me so light-headed I don't like it. All I've done is study. Another update! Guess what? I'm still studying. Bro, it's only like the third week of school and I badly need a break. Holy crap. Something great and useful I learned from watching those helpful youtube tips on stuff is that one study technique called blurting. It's so awesome. You basically read, write what you remember, look back at your copy and compare, then see for yourself which concepts you forgot about the most and focus on those. I'd say it's probably one of the fastest ways to identify which part of the subject you're weak on. Also why do I have the worst luck (still don't believe in luck but I like the word luck so forgive me) ever? I was chosen to do this thing for an event with a guest speaker and I'm just betting on me choking up and stuttering.
Was up so early I physically couldn’t open my eyes. Surprisingly, literally every single activity school has given us has been moved. I’m loving this website more and more!
I don’t really have much of a social media presence, just an Instagram account. I have a main one I don’t use and a second one which I actually do use. The second one has like 10 people give or take followers. They’re the people who has signed my Friendship Contract. Well, now that I think about it, this one dude never signed it. Long story short I found out he hated me and now I want to remove him out of the account I’m only reachable in. I swear I’m not kidding when I say I have no social media presence. Why do you think I made this blog? I love that I have this small knit group and I’d recommend it to anyone! But yea… I don’t know if I should just cut it like I usually do because I did put so much effort into that past friendship.
Also something painful happened to me as a DC fan. I got an easy question wrong in-front of the class and nobody even noticed nor knew. I’m never recovering. It’s not my fault I’ve read the comics more.
12 am we celebrated Lane's birthday. I had this competition with Ria. Basically I suggested we do an impromptu birthday message thing and I started it by saying "If I were given the oppportunity to enter into an interdimensional wormhole portal, I would take her with me" because I love her. Then Ria brought up her hydroflask hypothesis again. It was so funny. We continued fighting for like half an hour more with Sirko just making up her own comments on the side. Can't wait for thursday for the real surprise! Context: We usually go to extreme extents on birthday surprises. If you look at my Itch.io publishes, pretty much everthing there are just birthday game gifts. Before the day ended, I finished making my gift for her! The surprise is very elaborate but I can't disclose it here in the off chance that she reads my daily blogs.
I was on a call with my friends waiting for this online test for like 2 hours. Unfortunately it was cancelled. In our Physics class, I felt so good being able to understand the lesson... then receiving more class... to explain the lesson. But it was fun!
I studied a bit, wrote a critical analysis, and scheduled stuff in the morning then continued coding. I still need to revise for a test I have tomorrow so wish me luck! I can't believe school already sucks. But I was watching The Big Bang Theory the other day and Sheldon learned that being in constant anxiety might help in focusing and creating better products. I'm hoping that's true because I can't get rid of this anxiety I got from being late once and now carrying this burden of either getting a zero or finding my professor at thursday and begging him to let me do the activity I missed. So atleast I can put this stupid anxiety to use right?
Late night update: How could I not cry? I found a way to play flash games :’) I know it doesn’t look like much but this is such a big thing for me. I’ve also been watch Vailskibum again. If you don’t know who he is, basically 9 years ago… oh my god it’s been a decade. He was such a prominent figure around the gravity falls fandom because of his theories and I watched him religiously along with MatPat. I even bought the Journal 3 early!
It’s Lane’s birthday tomorrow! Getting ready for it a bit too. Okay, back to studying
I did a complete refurbishing of this website. When I was finally inputting the proper links for my navbar, I opened up the guestbook link and saw my first ever (not hate) comment :’) AND IT WAS THE NICEST THING EVER. they said my website looked nice but I feel bad because I only saw it now, when I’ve already completely changed everything. I feel bad so I’ll find a way to still incorporate the past layout to this new one! Also my head hurted so bad this day. I was trying to debug this one error and holy crap was it a scuffle. I’m gonna plan off my entire week so good night :D.
Weird but constant “I was late” entries. I don’t know why I snoozed off my alarm earlier this morning but I did. Overslept, I was late to class so they just kicked me out idk. Today was actually incredibly productive. I did lots of school work and I was participative in class half the time… maybe a quarter… but hear me out! Last year I barely attended classes (and still somehow managed to get a perfect attendance in my report card—part of my good top student charisma). This website has improved on so many levels. I’m actually quite proud of it. I love using emulators on my PC so I could play those old Nintendo games; so I downloaded this Flipnote Studio application and it’s awesome! I need to go plan off my entire week :’D. May peace reign in your land.
I cried so much. I was late to this one class and my professor gave me an F. I begged him and he gave me chance. I’m still worried over that plagiarism incident. I made a mistake in choosing classroom friends. They’re good people but I can’t slack off and be caught doing stuff I don’t even want to do and all because I can’t say no. I hate that I’m the biggest push-over ever. Everything about school sucks.
I love my website now though! It’s absolutely perfect. It was originally Star Wars themed but it didn’t look clean enough so i changed it into this vague sci-fi thing. There’s still bits of Star Wars I left off as easter eggs, so The Force will never falter!
Just found out Queen Elizabeth II died.
Had like the longest sleep this week. It was so good. I went to the mall to buy some stuff. Around 8:00 pm I watched this movie for an assignment. It was 2 hours long but I watched on 2x and skipped a bunch. Our professor gave us like 7 questions that needed 20 sentences answers each. Around 11:00 pm I gave my answers out to some of my friends. I’m now panicking because somebody sent theirs and it was this horribly paraphrased almost copy pasted work of mine now I’m just scared. I know english teachers read everything. But this isn’t an english class! He handles classes from different school and there’s like a lot of us he’s teaching. He won’t know right?
2 hours of sleep, woke up with my eyes swollen (from crying). My start wasn’t that bad until idk I’m the black sheep of the family so I don’t even have to explain much. I’ve decided to just cope by overstudying since I do love academic validation. Going to school, my driver forgot his license so he had to drop us off like not so far from school and I had to walk quite a few miles. I needed the exercise anyway so I didn’t mind it as much. Somehow, we’ve been doing those quick 10 minutes allotted time for research then on-the-spot reporting activity every single day now… it’s getting kind of exhausting. I don’t mind doing the work but it still adds up to my plate of stress. The people in my group were still great and coincidentally, one of my group-mate’s family actually owned some oil company which was perfect because it was our topic. I do still always write 90% of a lot of things because they tend to find me most articulated ( I read books idk). I’d personally just call myself pretentious but I’ve pretended for long enough that the words I’ve learned are actually starting to store itself in my vocabulary box. I also read a book with Ria in the library today! (Lane was with us too, reading a separate book). We made fun of this book that had contents of seemingly middle-grade-like poems.
In my psychology class, our professor gave this task (homework) wherein we had to take/retake our MBTI tests (she told us that you were supposed to retake it every 6 months anyway). Now I don’t feel so great because I feel an identity crisis sneaking up as I type this. Although the results I got were similar in the “smartest MBTI type” way, this still is a major change and I do NOT like change. I reached the 365 streaks mark on duolingo by the way! So yay! for reaching a milestone(ish).
Horrible day that had a horrible start and end. I didn’t sleep to start off. I woke up and couldn’t find every single piece of clothing item I needed (that I won’t get dress-coded for) . I also couldn’t find my hair dryer (bad hair day). My phone’s battery was at 0, I took two bites from my breakfast then my brother (Luke) told us we were going to be late, so I dropped it. Before I left I looked for guess what… socks! I haven’t gotten out my house and I was already so stressed out (You know how it feels to have items lost while running late right). I still had some homework I haven’t gotten to so I did it in the car. I dashed to my first class and surprisingly still got there in time with some time to spare.
The day still would get progressively worse but the next thing that happened was one of the good ones from this day. First class, we were presented with this process/method. I memorized it just for fun! She suddenly turned off the presentation software she was using and tested us. I got to recite the whole thing because I’m cool! I’ve been doing this weird memorization thing in class — or anywhere — gradually since I could remember. And it all started with just reciting memorized books (which I used to do just before class starts) call it a bit show off but it’s kind of awesome how my memory works.
In my Physical Science class, I told everyone my plan of just making my own universe. So now the class has this inside joke of the “Cyverse”.I have a god complex so that was a huge highlight of the day.
An unimportant event, a guy (old acquaintance) came up to me and told me his friend followed me on my socials and I should check up on it because we (me and the guy) were friends so the dude he’s talking about is alright. I was confused and just brushed it off but he said he’ll explain next time (logging that weird event here). Back to the horribleness of this day! When I came home, I had another classic argument with my mom. I’d say she’s just taking her stress out on me but who knows. It was a final straw then just cried myself to sleep. Oh and also my dad has doubled up his distrust on me. Look, I’m a really diligent person, but when you’re a middle child — and an unwanted girl at that — they really ever just either ignore or neglect you, or blame everything on you and talk about how crazy you are.
Very interesting day. I wasn’t on the pc much up until the evening when i finally started polishing up the website. Then it suddenly struck me… it’s ugly (the website) and i should demolish and recreate it! I was on a call with Ria and she witnessed me entering the whole downward spiral of insanity. A few moments later and I was back on the track! I thought of the greatest thing that would fix my problem (I’m still going to do a complete do-over but I at least now have a vision). I think that sometimes to achieve the best result, you might need to completely wreck your past progress. It was hard and it took so much effort, yes. However, I have fun when I code and that’s all that matters.
Hello internet dwellers. It's rainy again. Nothing new, a lot of precipitation is always expected at this time of the year. It's very humid (I really hate it when the humidity is high because it warps books). I coded the whole day again, finished up the main page. I later on had to go out to get some 1x1 headshots. I showered once more then continued coding. I started working on some of the medias for this website too. Time sure does fly by quickly when you're coding.
Brights suns! I borrowed a book from the library! I got Ernest Hemmingway's The Old Man and the Sea. I read half of it and it's alright so far. Anyway, a classmate of mine approached me and told me that he noticed I'm always only on the either extreme ends of the personality meter. Either a super preppy energetic incredibly hyper person, or I look sick and depressed. The only explanation I have for this is that my social battery runs out super quick, but I'm actually outgoing! For my last period, I had a screening (with Sirko and Lane) to take for the school paper. I'd say I did really well given the fact that it wasn't what I'd call a good work of mine. Then I got home and fell asleep on the floor. I was so tired.
The leaves are dropping gradually; they're getting carried off by the cold wind. An overcast day with the clouds blocking the sun. I really like this season. But I didn't like how tiring the first day of classes was. We were immediately given this activity in our English 110 class where in we had to memorize this excerpt within like 30 minutes and present to class. I did pretty well I'd say (it was still very stressful). Then in our Research, we had to make this impromptu proposal for a problem we made ourselves. Oh! I made 3 new friends in our class and 1 more new friend was introduced to our friend group by Lane.
Sirko and Ria are like the best people ever!! For context, I'm a bit of a germaphobe. Today, Sirko held every bathroom door for me. Ria, when we bought our food in the cafeteria, gave me her wrapped (sanitized) spoon and fork! I would never give anyone such clean plastic utensils! The nicest people ever.
Hello! Another day was spent just coding. I did make such great progress on the website today! Neocities is such a great site. I need to attend school tomorrow which sucks but It’ll be fun ^_^ (hopefully…).
After I showered and finished my morning routine, I decided to just code for the entire day! Didn’t eat, attend classes, nor stood up. This little event actually happens way more often than you might think. I always get back into coding once every month or two and I completely OBSESS over it. I finished a few pages today including the gif on this page! If you take a close look, the poster on the side of the arcade game machine is actually the original “Style A” A New Hope Star Wars poster! It was only right to pair it up with the lightsaber cursor of course. I was on a call with Ria the entire day again as usual. I played some mini-online games with her and her little sister. I’ll be continuing this productive day tomorrow. I shall obsess over the website once more before I run out of fuel.
Today I woke up and read like 30 pages of Moby Dick. I love annotating academically so it does take quite a bit of time. I stayed at home so i had plenty of rest! I also got a Prime Video subscription. Now, I have Netflix HBO Max and Prime Video. Lots of options! (I'll get Disney Plus next time). I was in a call with Ria all day and started on my website. I digitally drew the main image and made a few progress on the front-end. Ria also made her own blog! (link to ria’s blog: agricheria.blogpost.com, same day post she made: ) AAAA!! I can’t wait to get into the actual coding part! every month i always find ways to make new projects (it’s so awesome). At the end of the day, I finished two pages and now im betting that i can have this finished by tomorrow. My eyes are now fried and I might be setting my self up for a future Carpal Tunnel (ouch).
I was recently invited to my friend’s (Rhett’s) concert so I dragged along two other friends of mine (I really can’t handle going out alone), Sirko and Lane to accompany me. It’s great because it’s like killing two birds with one stone! One, prove that I’m a good friend to Rhett by showing my support for his band. And two, actually hanging out with the best people ever! (Sirko and Lane). So I met up with Sirko and we hurried to the venue before we could miss it. I watched Legally Blonde before going to the concert, so I was kind of running late. I arrived there like 0.1 second before Rhett’s band started. It was such pure luck (not exactly luck, I don't believe that much in coincidences because I know the basics of the law of large numbers.) I came across another friend (Slater). Slater waved hi but I got nervous so after I awkwardly greeted I ran away and bought something then went back (I have social anxiety). Once the band finished their last song, we looked for Lane and then headed straight to the bookstore. It was a fun day! Oh, something embarrassing that did happen was me giving the wrong currency as a payment. I recently traveled and haven’t yet cleaned out my wallet that a brought to another country. Here’s some of the stuff I got today: another whiteboard, stocked up on post-its and post-it flags, make-up stuff, and I preordered a book with Sirko!
I had an orthodontist appointment today. Ah yes, my teeth’s gonna hurt for a week or so again. After that, I went to the mall and finally got myself some whiteboard. I needed it for my maths, sciences, murder mysteries, planning, and basically writing everything my brain can vomit (which is a lot). Then, I discovered this site!! It’s the perfect hosting site I’ve been looking for that’s similar to Tripod or Geocities from the early 2000s!. Trust me, I looked for over 2 years. I browsed on it a bit and I think I’ll start the project tomorrow!
