Could barely move. It’s cold, and my body feels restricted. I am begging the skies for good health. I can’t afford to get sick. I feel uneasy and unwell. Am I too aware of my heartbeat, or am I shivering from the cold? Studied more accounting before eating for breakfast. Went on call with my friends to study some more.
I’ve been very emotional. It might be my hormones. Period cramps will be the death of me. I lay steadily in bed, with every inch of my body aching. I accommodated the soreness pretty well. I take it as a sign of muscle gain. I had to rush this morning. I needed to go to the hospital for my medical requirements (again). It’s honestly been such a burden with how much time it eats up. I can’t explain how bothersome it’s been. It’s my recent source of frustration. Now at the hospital, I was racing against time. There was this other person who cut the line while I was waiting too. I wanted to resolve my issues with violence, but I didn’t because, quite frankly, I would never have the guts for that. I was shaking my leg, unable to calm myself. I was running out of time. My turn eventually came around. I was stressed. I had some problems with the signal reception when I was paying. I ran out and ended up crying in the middle of the street. The cars were avoiding me, and I knew I was getting horrible looks. I could not care less. I made a call and eventually fixed my problem. I had less than the time I needed to buy Olivia’s concert tickets. I encountered a lot of problems but still somehow managed to get myself tickets. I’m going with Sine. I have to go back to the hospital in a while for another appointment. I played with my baby brother in the meantime. I read him some of the books he was handing me. I went to my orthodontist, they did more painful operations, and I went back. I gathered my things and left for university. Some new furniture arrived. I brought my PC with me too. I cleaned and organized my room. I did some studying as well. My older brother visited for the night, and that was cool. More studying.
I am homesick. I miss everyone. I overestimated my mental capabilities. I make too many conditions for myself. I might be misjudging my potential. I’m anxious. I studied a lot today. I had online classes too. I did some practice sets and worked with a group for a paper. They weren’t the most ideal to work with, and unfortunately, I’ll be stuck with them for the whole term. All I can do is suck it up. Ria came over again. She brought me food, and it was awesome. We watched YouTube and hung around before going out to run some errands. Then we went to the gym. We ran into a lot of problems. Long story short, it was an hour of getting lost in a dark and scary place. That one particular sound haunted me too. I finally found my way after getting separated from Ria. I did a lot at the gym. I taught Ria some workouts I knew. I used all the equipment available and once again focused on core. Afterward, I went back home—like, my actual home an hour away. It felt so nice to be back. My room looks abandoned now. My bed was moved; I assume it was because it was cleaned. It just felt empty—empty of what made it mine. I had pizza for dinner, took a nice long shower, and fell fast asleep.
I love my parents. I really appreciate them. They're in Vietnam right now.
White, messy, empty room. The sun was too bright for my liking. It was also too early for anything. I got to sleep in during my first class. Our professor left us some seatwork with a deadline. I was so thankful to have been given more time to sleep. I woke up and got ready. I had a few more online classes. Ria visited again! She brought me lunch, which was such a nice gesture. We watched some of Nicole Laeno’s vlogs while eating. We hung out for a while and then got hungry. We went out to get some food, but nothing felt right. So I begged Ria to accompany me to the gym. I worked on arms. It was terrible. I loved it. We went back and had dinner. I wrote in my diary, and she wrote her stories. I went on a call with Adrian again.
The streets are loud and busy. I slept early yesterday. I fell asleep while on the phone with Adrian again. I listed the things I needed to get done today and started chipping away at that list. I did my assignments and cried in the gaps of my time. I got ready for this movie night my university was hosting. I wore a dress, and it was cute. Ria came over, and we walked to school together. I hadn’t seen her in so long. We walked around campus before signing up for the event. We went to The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf at the library to get some vanilla frappes and catch up for a bit. We didn’t actually stay for the movie portion of the event. There was this trivia game at the start, which Ria participated in, and then we just called it a night. We got food, went to my place, and attempted to do our homework. Unfortunately, there wasn’t an ounce of productivity in our bodies. We both ended up just going on our phones. I showered, got ready for bed, and then finally went on a video call with Adrian.
Simple morning: nuggets, eggs, and fried rice. I walked to school straight to my first class. Our classroom was so neat. I took the seats my friends had saved for me. The professor was cool; he was playing music that lightened the atmosphere for the class. In the next class, we had to write a request letter, and I was semi-panicking. For the two-hour break, I went out with the same group of friends, and we spent our time at a burger place, eating early lunch. I decided to split my meal with one of my friends since he didn’t want anything heavy either. I got myself a coconut shake just before walking to my next class. Our Organization and Management class went by quickly. The professor was laid-back about everything. She said she didn’t care if students did whatever in her class since we were the ones paying anyway. She gave me a stamp for actively participating in her class, and then she stopped calling my name. I waited for my friends outside. We were planning to do some assignments, but first, we went to the clinic to pass some medical requirements. I met this dude who was kind of in front of me in line, and we ended up talking about a lot of things. I found out he was an engineering student who lived pretty far from campus. He shared some things about his life and friends, and it was a pretty wholesome interaction. Then we headed to the study hall. We checked out the library too. We went up five whole floors searching for seats. We had this entire bit about being explorers and being “silly,” retracing the same steps we had just taken. It’s an inside joke, you can go figure. We eventually found ourselves a spot, and we joked about whether our eyes were deceiving us or not. We actually made a lot of progress with our assignments, a lot more than I had predicted. They didn’t seem like fair-weather friends anymore. We had fun. I went home, did my diary entries, and then called Adrian.
Tired. High chance for my literary efforts to fail me. Awake before my alarm clock rang. Showered, ate breakfast, and got ready. I walked to school. I hallucinated a world of pixels where I had to encounter obstacles. It was almost cinematic. I saw some familiar faces upon entering the campus. I walked with an old classmate (who happens to be in the same block) I was well acquainted with, to class after the initial interaction I had with the group I had just approached. We were both lost. First class was fun. The teacher seemed very passionate about her work. She gave us some words of encouragement too. I read ahead while she skimmed through the overview and syllabus of the course. We had a two-hour break after. I was with this friend group I was testing the waters with. We ate with the university cats. There’s this one girl who I’d like to assume took a particular liking to me. We spent most of the day together. She saved me a seat for the next class after I excused myself to the bathroom. Our professor looked strict, but it was the type I liked the most. Her class was the most organized one in our Canvas school interface. I’ve done a couple of her assignments in advance too. I felt pretty nervous knowing I had messaged her the night before asking about assignments. I did awesome during her class though. Turns out, I still had economics memorized verbatim like the back of my hand. I seriously defined each term exactly as it was in her reference module. She even quoted me. I had no intention of showing off; I just happened to have a really good memory system. I’ve been repeating that party trick where I recite literal pages of textbooks for a while now. It was different this time since all the knowledge I had was from my senior classes. She made us create our own group, and I was so grateful for that. We formed it with the guy I was with in the morning, the girl who had been with me, and two other girls from my class, who I was actually interested in being friends with. I wasn’t as in my head after that group was formed. The next class was with a really cool teacher. He was into a lot of generic to niche nerdy things. He seemed really nice. He made us introduce ourselves, and I made the class laugh three times consecutively. He had us share three interesting facts about ourselves, and I gave pre-made vague answers. That was our last class. I roamed around with two of the same people minus the two girls who had just joined us. We checked out some organizations. We made small talk with so many people. We parted ways, and I went home. I was really tired. I took a shower, watched Frieren, and just rested. My mom came by to bring some things I forgot at home. I called Adrian in the afternoon too. Nighttime was pretty rough. I had my reasons. I was overwhelmed, and I knew my systems were due for an entire reboot. Everything was changing. I had to change too. Another call with Adrian before bed, and he single-handedly made me forget everything that was bothering me. We were laughing so hard.
Long day, no time to write. Moving out. Packed more things. Played with my baby brother for a while. We did some of his favorite games. It was tiring, but we might not see each other again for a while. Visited my brother at his place before going to mine. Settled in and organized my stuff. Still gave Adrian a call.
Happy birthday Gracie Abrams!
More bags, filled with things from my room. I'm moving out tomorrow. I went to my unit again, very early in the morning, with my mom accompanying me. She was helping out. I met with the agents fixing up the unit - they were really nice. I brought more clothes, hung and folded them neatly. I changed the bedsheets, measured a few things, and anchored down the new desk. My mom and I went grocery shopping too. Everything felt static - uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. I'm both scared and excited. We went back home, and I looked online for a vanity table. My mom found one I really liked. I packed more things, played with my baby brother. Late afternoon, I slipped into the shower. I did two more assignments in advance. I consulted one of the teachers I've yet to even meet, with an inquiry about an assignment not due until a week after this week's. Still watching Frieren. Worked out. Watched more Frieren. Called Adrian.
Much to complete. Thin, brittle paper carrying the weight of what is yet undone. A lifeline in each line - a pretense of control. I have online classes. I woke up early, showered, and had breakfast. I found myself distracted by the release of each subject's syllabus. I made a list, ensuring I distributed my time well enough. I did a bunch of work not due until next week. I'll continue the ones due later tomorrow until my obsession with finishing tasks quiets itself. I had to introduce myself in almost all my classes. The teachers were all pretty nice. We had group work. Turns out I do actually seem approachable - I got messages asking if they could pair up with me. I continued watching Frieren. I find no faults in the anime.
Quiet hour. Alone in the confinement of my house. I’m shutting down any thoughts I’d consider too emotional. Discursive words written in both my analog journal and digital diary. I’m reading Clarice Lispector’s Água Viva. I worry about my crude writing - it’s filled with too much sensitivity and emotion. I’m too young to figure out how much of it is genuine. I hesitate when it comes to what’s necessary. I’m afraid to detach from logic. I'm afraid to abandon all I’ve ever known. I don’t think my strength is sufficient enough to surrender to the predictable silence that follows a question without an answer. Comprehension and incomprehension. I am obscure, even to myself.
I have no care for other sentient creatures except for those of my own kind. Is my identity threatened by their existence? Shouldn't I give fair judgment to all? I’m unsure where I should draw the line of care.
I find it uncool. I feel judged and condemned, with no way to defend myself. Three of my worst fears combined: being perceived (and wrongly, at that), being framed (even in a lesser sense), and being lied to. It’s unfair when I’m not given the chance to explain the context of transitory excerpts from the past. The comfort I once found in writing now seems like a weapon that could be used against me, yet I don’t wish to part from it.
I’m starting a new anime, Frieren: Beyond Journey's End, and I really, really love it. I mentioned it in a group chat with my closest friends, and one of them told me she had recently planned on reaching out to me because I reminded her of Frieren, the mage. It was purely coincidental, but I took it as such a compliment. I did my usual night routine. I showered, ate dinner, worked out, and played the guitar. My mom made me a glass of freshly squeezed oranges. It was nice. She gave me a chocolate muffin which I ate earlier in the day while watching Frieren too.
My mind is busy. It confronted a lot of my contemplative qualms. I plan on giving mini essays a shot. I find beauty in thoughts so deeply understood that one could condense them into a few sentences. I want to be that certain kind of knowledgeable in the things that interest me. I have successfully brought my diary up to date. It’s cool. I spent my first hour of the day on a call with Adrian. I told him about my plot-heavy nightmare. I ate breakfast, hung around with my baby brother, then called my boyfriend again. We didn’t do much. He did his homework, and I played the dumbest Roblox game. I watched some YouTube videos too. In the evening, I wrote some more, worked out, showered, then wound down pretty early.
Adrian confessed a few things - things I wasn’t exactly pleased with. But what’s done is done. I hope I can find it in me to look past it.
Classes were once again canceled. I filled my time by learning a bunch of Justin Bieber songs on the guitar. I worked on uploading my diary entries too. I had a hair appointment since it does need taming and maintenance. I was with my mom, and she had her own things too. I was pretty out of it. I only managed to do a light workout and called it a night. I fell asleep on call with Adrian. We both surrendered to the weight of our eyes.
The rain fell hard and continuously. It was loud, but the walls of my room muted it, turning it into some kind of white noise. Today was supposed to be my first day at uni, but it was canceled. I woke up really early and received the news from a text notification. I confirmed it and went right back to sleep. After taking my morning shower, I helped my mom with some technical problems she was having. I had breakfast afterward. I watched One Piece, and the gray weather made me sleepy. I called Adrian to hear his voice before sleeping. Neither of us ended the call. I fell asleep for 2 hours straight and woke up just in time for dinner.
Another early day. I shopped for more furniture at IKEA. We found everything we needed in each rack and section indicated online. I looked for lamps because I simply prefer them over the big lights on the ceiling. Then we visited the condo. We fixed up the area, assembled some things, and folded clothes. It was nice. I was with my mom. We came back home a little later in the day, and I didn’t have much time to rest. I went to my room and, before showering, decided to dye my hair. I mixed the Arctic Fox Purple and Periwinkle dye, and the color came out really pretty. I picked out my clothes for tomorrow, skipped today’s workout, then called Adrian. We had interesting conversations, but it was disappointing when we had to cut it short since I had to wake up early tomorrow.
