I studied all day again, huddled in my little corner. My body feels weak, a bit under the weather. I tried to stretch the last bits of energy I had, using them carefully for the things I had to finish. Two quizzes waited for me by midnight. I slept in fits, trying to ease the aches in my body. Rough day. I ended it by watching an episode of the show Adrian and I have been watching weekly.
Adrian just gave me the best day ever. I mean, compared to how sucky my days have been, this one made a lasting impression. He picked me up from the school gate right after my early morning class, which, by the way, I’m relieved doesn’t weigh on me anymore like it used to. That sentence seems odd without context, but basically, I’ve been dreading this class with the assumption that I needed to do a bunch of readings beforehand. That actually was not the case, and I got a tip from one of her old students that she was generous with grades as long as you were active in class. I am always active in class.
Adrian and I went back to my place, with Ria sleeping on my bed. I requested that we nap on the couch first. I was dying. I felt awful, still sick from yesterday. He held me until I fell asleep. I slept so well.
We then went out for lunch with his girl best friend, and I managed to start a bunch of conversations, Adrian chiming in only when necessary. It was fun. She is very cool. She shared a lot of stories, and I was just trying to match the pace of it. Aren’t we all glad I’m a social creature? If there is one thing you can always expect from, it's that I can hold a conversation.
We went back to my place. I was still out of sorts, so I went back to sleep. That nap was like lying on a cloud with Nobita and Doraemon. It was a proper afternoon nap. I felt bad for caving into my sickness, but I really could not function without taking at least a short rest.
When I woke up, Adrian and I continued the rest of our date. We went to this photobooth shop and took pictures for safekeeping. I held off on putting them up on my wall because I was scared they'd get damaged.
We then had some drinks at this kind of hidden coffee shop. We studied for a while because I was still trying to maintain my high grades while also having him as my boyfriend.
There was this one math equation I struggled with, and I made sure to make it his problem too. After ten whole minutes of staring, I eventually got it, and that launched both of us into a high five. Not that bad a progress for a problem that apparently took others (those who are not as intellectually gifted as I am) seven days to solve. I love being smart.
I honestly enjoyed today so much. Adrian was so sweet the entire time, and he always had that smile on his face that made every problem I had been carrying feel lighter. I had another class, so I had to be separated from the love of my life once more. I had ethics, and the professor decided to drill me with a bunch of questions. He seemed like he was having fun. Can't blame him. I gave such killer answers. What can I say? I don't half bake answers.
Adrian picked me up from class just to say goodbye. He waited an entire hour just to see me one last time. The dude is romantic. He stayed at my place while waiting.
When I got home, I saw my desk with a couple of items I did not recall placing. On it was this interlinked paper with hearts and the text “Will u be my Valentine?” written on it. I wanted to cry.
There was another piece of paper folded into four, with a harebell drawn on the cover. I opened it, read it, and felt so loved. I will have a Valentine this year. Cool.
My mom also sent me a picture of my little brother, who had asked her to send it to me along with the message that my favorite pastry is now his too.
I am not anyone’s obligation but my own. I don’t need a boyfriend for the things I want in life.
He was actually going to ask me to be his Valentine’s. I didn’t trust that he would, so I planned to break up with him. I was giving him a heads-up, and all I wanted to do was cry. I thought we weren’t in love anymore. I thought he wouldn’t try. But he did. I ruined the surprise. I ruin everything.
I studied in vain. Let me backtrack. I woke up early to try and wake my brain before my accounting quiz. I felt confident about what I already knew. I told myself I had done all I could and anything more would not help.
I showered, put on makeup, and ate breakfast quickly. I rushed to my first class and arrived just on time. Economics. I joined my new friends. One is a girl my friend calls a main character because she is always so involved. The other is a friend I met last year. They were throwing theoretical questions at each other, and I realized I actually knew quite a bit. Economics was interesting. We learned about ten new formulas.
I had lunch with the same two friends. It was fun, though we didn’t really eat. Just how it is before a big test. Then came the quiz. I thought it would be easy. I waited for my phone to buzz for the release of grades. So buzz it did. Disappointment. I did not do badly compared to others. I was still smarter than most. I topped the quiz, and yet, I failed. One point away from passing. One point. That shows the rest of the class did even worse. I was distraught. I hid it well enough, of course, but it was terrible. Above average yet still not enough.
Afterward, I hung out with the same group as last week to take my mind off things. The spider tattoo guy, the really smart guy, the girl from economics, and my friend from last year. We tried to distract ourselves. Slowly, the others left until it was just me and the smart one. We went to a little place he liked, and I got a small box of fries. I told myself I didn’t deserve more. We talked for a while. Then I went home.
I twisted the keys to my apartment and started crying. One point. I reached out to my boyfriend, but he was not there. I messaged a friend instead. He answered right away. I sobbed and talked for two hours straight. He believed in me. It was all I needed.
Ria came over to make me eat. I did not want to, but she would not let me skip. Finally, my boyfriend was free. I wanted to tell him everything, but he was in a bad mood. I tried to comfort him. It hurt. He pitied me. I wanted to hear that things would be okay. But with him, it felt like I was the biggest disappointment in the world. His tone reminded me that I had failed. I knew I failed. Then he did it again, the usual unsolicited criticism. I get it. I failed and I will continue to fail. I just do not understand. Can someone genuinely hate someone they love?
My friends... and my boyfriend too, for that matter, would all agree on one thing: I don’t seem to sleep anymore. Whether they’ve just woken up or are about to go to bed, there I am, still wide awake, reading my textbooks. I’ve been terribly overworked lately.
I’d done a bit of extra homework after all the studying, and just before the usual 11:59 deadline, I thought it best to check the instructions again. To my horror, I found I’d done several things wrong. I panicked, of course. Adrian tried his best to calm me down and even helped with part of my work, but it all felt hopelessly impossible to finish in time. In the end, I scrapped everything and started over — what I turned in wasn’t my best, but at least it followed the rules. I suppose that counted for something. After my small disaster, Ria turned up with Japanese food, and that, as it usually does, made everything seem a little better. that made the world right again.
Not a very exciting day, really. I read two textbooks, took notes, and finished all my revisions. I even had an afternoon nap! The best sleep I’ve had in ages. My boyfriend stayed up with me until the latest of the late, and for once, everything felt okay.
I think the qualifications for a good study day are simple: discipline, plain clothes, no air-conditioning, a snack or two, water, a piece of paper, and a pen that’s almost out of ink. Nothing fancy. There’s one last thing. Entirely optional, of course, since there’s only ever been one in existence: having an Adrian. He’s an angel.
Mom messaged me too. She’d bought me a few things I’d only ever mentioned in passing. I love her so much.
If I were to sum up today in short phrases, I’d say my brain had the day off, but my hands and mouth decided to carry on without it. Somehow, I managed to answer several questions in class without quite knowing how. In the evening, our professor gave us a group activity and paired me with a computer engineer. After class, I went out with Jasmine and Ria for food and a bit of gossip.
I had allotted three hours to give my body some rest. The question about my sleep remains: did I actually get any? I’d like to believe I did. I have no memory of my 2 AM alarm ever ringing, so I’m taking that as a sign I actually slept last night.
I did some advanced reading before class. I thought our professor would ask us objective, impersonal questions about the topic, but I was wrong. All she wanted were simple, subjective answers. I had a short chat in the elevator on my way home with a guy from my morning class. Looking back, it was actually a nice interaction. I usually sit in front, so it was cool that he recognized me.
I studied with Vernon on call in the afternoon, had a very interactive night ethics class, and then ate out at McDonald’s with my friends. We’re all worrying about Accounting.
I would honestly never, in a million years, wish to be anyone but myself. I am the coolest person I know.
I only had one thing planned today: to take a personality test required for a class I didn’t even know I was taking. When I arrived at the computer lab, I saw a bunch of my old blockmates gathered together. Turns out they were gossiping about the current situation in our department. Apparently, one of the professors crashed out in class. I completely understand that feeling. Anyway, I was the first to finish the test. I’ve done far too many personality tests to count, and at this point, I know exactly what type of person I am inside and out. I also have all these diary entries to look back on if I ever end up losing my personality. It’s everyone’s worst luck that they aren’t me.
I went back to my place and wasted a lot of time. Adrian, Ria, and I watched the newest episode of the show we’ve been following.
My boyfriend is so patient with me. I’ve been stingy and mean lately because of all the work I’ve been getting for my accounting class. Seriously, they give us too many immaterial problems for quizzes, and we’re left with no actually useful materials. We literally paid for nothing.
All my classes today were engaging. My accounting professor cancelled on us, so we had a crash course for everyone who was free. I actually learned a lot and even taught a few concepts myself. I’m anything but a freeloader, and that applies to every situation you could put me in. I made a bunch of new (smart) friends: an economics madman, a guy with a spider neck tattoo, a girl with glasses, and a few more. We all decided to eat out after class.
January’s end scraped my knees. The hurt left a discolored stain, but I’m much better now. I’ve almost forgotten how I got the scars, but I took care of them, and I vow not to repeat such carelessness. I haven’t tripped over myself yet this year. I’m doing better now, thanks for asking. University feels like survival of the fittest at this point. With no answer key for the 200 problems we were given, due in a week, everyone’s making up their own formulas. Some of the wrong ones somehow pass as good enough because everyone’s too brain-fried to notice.
I was featured in a Roblox game. A fully functioning Roblox game. I have no idea who developed it because Ria was my only source of information, and I either forgot or didn’t care enough to ask. It makes me happy that people remember my Roblox legacy. Super cool times. I cooked a meal at midnight. I have nothing more to write, except that I love Adrian so much. He makes me happy.
I’m in a foul mood. My ego stares me down and demands that I pass judgment on others. It’s an odd thing. I’m still convinced there’s nobody better than me. While others might think the same about themselves, I believe theirs comes from pretense and self-righteousness.
It might sound biased, but since I’ve only ever lived inside my own head, I can confidently say I’m usually the most interesting person in a room. By “interesting,” I mean someone who has actually done the work to improve themselves. I say this as a privileged person who’s been given time and resources, which I know I’ve made good use of. I never make excuses.
I met new people today in a new class. One guy reeked of entitlement and unearned privilege. He had a lot to say about everything. Maybe he just has a strong, opinionated personality.
On an unrelated note, here’s the other half of my day:
I had an entire conversation with myself in the mirror. I was acting out this scenario I’ve been imagining in my head. I cried so much. Maybe it’s because the hint of sadness and pity I had for myself overshadowed my little conspiracy theory that I’d find happiness one day. I felt so appreciated in that tiny thought experiment. Imagine if that happened in real life. I would never complain again. Such a common yet unlikely event to ever happen to me.
I’m so burnt out from doing the most unproductive work ever. This homework will be the death of me.
We were given an assignment that seems to serve no purpose at all. No one quite knows what it’s meant to achieve, but it’s taken up a great deal of time that could have been used for studying. I’m feeling rather worn out because of it. All the motivation I built over the past week has disappeared without a trace. The whole thing feels like proof that no one in the department really knows what they’re doing. It’s all quite stupid, really.
I had two online classes today, both dreadful. One had an entire segment dedicated to my recitation. In the other, I had to present. I was doing homework until Ria came over just to hang out. After a while, I got ready for a class we had together. I did more homework, took a quiz, then did even more homework. I wanted to sleep early but couldn’t.
I had this whole scene with myself. Not even a dialogue. I stood in front of the mirror and let the story in my head play out. I cried. I’m not even sure if it was out of happiness. There was definitely sadness in there too. Maybe a bit of self pity. I don’t want to get into the details, but the short version of the scene was that I finally got recognized. I’m still waiting for that day to come. To be so deserving of something that someone would have no choice but to make it real. You have to believe in that idea. I swear it’s something worth crying over.
Everything is referential. Who I am now is the sum of all the history I’ve lived and all the stories I’ve inherited from people before me.
Since I slept early yesterday, it was only natural that I woke up early today. My day started strong, though I wasn’t moving at an ideal pace. Still, I was productive enough that I wouldn’t call the day wasted. Progress is progress, and that’s what matters.
A really cool memory I want to keep forever happened while Adrian was studying his law book. He asked me what the word sovereign meant. Not long after, I came across that exact word too. Then I asked him about the word chapter, and it turned out he was just about to ask the same thing. It hadn’t occurred to us until then that my accounting book was referencing his law book at that very moment. If that’s not serendipity, I don’t know what is.
I’d choose the chirping of birds over the loud passing of cars and trains any day. But that’s not an option now, is it? I hate university. Or maybe I just hate it because of the city. I’m trying my best not to let my surroundings spoil everything.
I learned a lot in my economics class today. I finally got to participate, though introducing myself meant our professor spent the rest of the session drilling me with questions. It was fun, so I’m not complaining.
I met with this smart girl at a café before our accounting quiz, and we discussed what we thought would come out in the test. We didn’t have much time. The quiz started before we even knew it. I had some technical issues before beginning the quiz. It was frustrating. An external factor I couldn’t control stealing time I could’ve used to think about my answers. Still, when I finally took the quiz, I didn’t even break a sweat. The quiz came straight from that 3,000-paged book they gave us a PDF of during our orientation.
I got three mistakes out of one hundred. I was second highest in the class, which felt like an accomplishment considering everyone else failed. I think it’s safe to assume nobody else opened the book except me and the person I sat next to - who, by the way, got the highest score.
The sun was setting by the time I walked back to my place. I was exhausted but still found time to study a bit more and play the piano.
I’m very homesick. I miss the car rides with my parents when they’d take me home. I studied until the moon moved aside for the sun. Adrian tried his best to keep up with my nocturnal schedule but ended up falling asleep while I was explaining some boring concepts to him. I respect that.
A hundred pages of my accounting book in one sitting.
Cut me some slack. I’m having weekly accounting quizzes on concepts that won’t even be relevant until 2027.With hardly any proper materials to work with, I’ve had to do twice the work just to keep up. Still, I think I’m managing fairly well with my study pace. I even managed an hour-long nap in between. Adrian gets all the credit for that. He woke me up exactly when he said he would. I most certainly wouldn’t have, left to my own devices.
Ria made me breakfast after she woke up. She’s honestly a chef now. We function like an old married couple: she’s the housewife, and I’m the breadwinner. I think it’s because I don’t mind her staying, as long as I get to study. Ria’s kind enough to include me in her routine. We work so well together as roommates.
There isn’t much to expect from my days except more studying. I finalized some of my lecture notes, which felt rewarding, and made a few more supplementary ones.
I had accounting again, four whole hours dedicated to that godforsaken subject. It wasn’t so bad this time. I actually listened and managed not to fall asleep. My evening class might be the best one I’ve had so far. It felt like a breather. The teacher reminded me of a classmate from last term, same look and same mannerisms. She was cool and didn’t keep us too long. She even gave out plus points just for attending. So cool.
For dinner, Ria and I had spicy noodles while on a call with Adrian and Brie. Their company was comforting. I studied for a test due at midnight, finished quickly, and only got one mistake. Then I couldn’t resist studying again for the rest of the night. Adrian stayed up with me. He’s such a nice man.
I love information. I seek it constantly. As much as I wish I could break free from the internet, it’s my main source of learning. Books are great, but the internet gives things straight and even suggests what to learn next. I love that kind of convenience.
Unfortunately, the discomfort I keep avoiding might be the key to everything that’s been going wrong.
I haven’t felt truly bored in a long time. I miss being bored.
I actually managed to wake up early today. I called Adrian right away to ask if he was still coming over. He said yes, then told me to sleep for another hour. So I did exactly that. I woke up to a text saying he was near. I panicked and got ready faster than you could say “fast.”
Adrian brought breakfast for me and Ria. He was so sweet. After a while, Ria woke up, joined us for a bit, and then went straight back to sleep. I made Adrian play Littlest Pet Shop with me. We were so loud.
I have an entire bookshelf dedicated to my Sylvanian Families collection. It’s all in tribute to my LPS mascot, #1542. Adrian was completely committed to our little storylines, which made me very happy. Later, the three of us played Roblox. We tried this store simulator, and I got rich rather quickly by marking up my prices. I grew tired of it eventually and made Adrian do all the work for me. He was an unpaid laborer. But he didn’t seem to mind, so it was a win for me! I sat on his lap and just watched him play. It was nice having nothing else to do but admire him.
We ended the day with a doodle date. I gave random prompts, and we did the three-marker challenge inspired by Steph and Adam from Doodledate on YouTube. I’ve been watching them since childhood. To have someone recreate one of my dream dates felt like such a kind gesture to my past self. Easily one of the best days I’ve ever had with Adrian.
My first class went horribly. Everything could’ve gone well if not for one terrible mishap. I woke up parched. Since I’d just returned to the city after Christmas break, my fridge was empty. I decided to buy a bottle of water on the way to school. Actually... Change of plans since I didn’t have enough coins, I bought chicken nuggets instead. The store clerk threw in a container of gravy with it too. I shoved all of that into my tote bag and rushed off. I was happy to see my friends in class. Jasmine even gave me a lip balm she’d brought back from her trip. Our teacher had this wonderfully dry sense of humour and shared all sorts of extra insights during her lesson. She was great. I was so into her lecture that when I reached into my tote for my iPad (to take notes), tragedy struck. The gravy had spilled. I tried to clean it with some loose-leaf paper. But that only did so much.
Economics. You can't convince me that I didn't have Doofenshmirtz as my professor. He talked and moved with such flair. It was entertaining, and the lesson itself was actually interesting, which made up for the absurdity.
I went home during my two-hour break to clean up after the gravy incident, but I couldn’t sleep. I already knew my three-hour accounting class would be hell. I was right. I fought sleep for the first two hours until the group work woke me up.
I met new people, including this kind girl with a voice higher than a chipmunk that I had accidentally met earlier the day when I went inside the wrong classroom. During our last activity, my group was so meticulous that the professor made us present our work to the class. It was funny, actually.
I went straight to bed once I got home, only waking up when my alarm rang for my evening class. I checked Canvas and saw it was cancelled. More sleep for me.
