December 16, 2024
I’m seeing Gracie Abrams this summer. Third time really was the charm. There’s nothing I love more than having events to look forward to.
I’m seeing Gracie Abrams this summer. Third time really was the charm. There’s nothing I love more than having events to look forward to.
The more I free my mind from the imperatives of the absolute present, usually through reading and sometimes through listening to music, or just watching YouTube, the happier I become. Here's a theory: happiness in the past reaches much greater peaks than it does in the present. It’s a paradigm to think that anything new is better. Your brain processes information in the moment, but this will always be too continuous. I think it’s nice to have moments of peace to reflect on what your life has been. I shouldn’t always feel inclined to load myself with fun activities, or else that would do nothing but tire me out. I am imparting this information to further implant it in my mind that it’s okay to be unproductive. As you might know, this sense of sadness has been overtaking me for the past few months or so. I think I turned out this way because things haven’t been going my way, and the present has been a big reminder that I’m running out of time. This recognition should ease my sadness by some percentage. As for the other reason behind my perpetual sadness, I’ve actualy also figured it out. However, I can’t share it with anyone, and I’m keeping it on my private shelf. I hope to talk with Sirko soon about it because it’s been getting pretty bad.
I went back home today. The next time I’ll be stepping anywhere near that godforsaken university will be next year, and I love that. My parents picked me up, and we had multiple conversations throughout the ride. My mom and especially my dad shared some of their personal stories, while I shared some recent issues that’s been happening around. Each time I talk to them, I swear I gain more wisdom. It was great because my dad, who has been through so much, just gave me the confirmation that he trusts the direction in which I’m heading. Everyone who knows me believes that I’ll do well in life. The only thing left for me to do is not disappoint them. After an hour, I arrived home and was greeted with the warmest hug from my baby brother. I played with him for a while, let him play on my iPad, and even danced with him. I missed him so much. I took my night shower while listening to informational videos on YouTube. I texted Adrian for the rest of the evening. Then, once again, before going to bed, I watched another video titled similarly to James Scholz’s most recent one. It was about this guy I’ve been seeing in my recommendations who shares a lot of similarities with James Scholz. I just know James would love him too. He is literally a product of what James is trying to preach: inspiring those around him to keep going. Man, I love people like them so much.
I’ve been loving my breakfasts with eggs on the side lately. Like the sunny side up, burnt edges and a liquidy yolk, kind. I love protein. First term has just ended, which means it’s time to enlist and enroll for new classes. Today’s the day. It feels almost dystopian how, at this exact moment, every student is anxiously staring at the clock, waiting for the enrollment system to open. And best believe that we are all coming for each other. Friedly-fire starts at trigger. I picked out my schedule and professors carefully. I had my autoclicker ready and a countdown clock on the same screen. I waited. My friends called. We all waited. And then it was time. I got lucky and got to secure all three of my preferred majors. My friends weren’t as fortunate. Only one of them managed to snipe a major at the last second, while the rest didn’t get a single course they wanted. But I wasn't done. I still needed to utilize my backup plans and find myself good GEs. I was wuick on my feet. I made sure to be rigorous about my choives. In the end, I even ended up sharing a class with Ria, which was a nice surprise. Honestly, I think I have the best schedule ever. Later, Ria had to go back home, so I invited her out for a quick cafe date before she left. We ordered our drinks and chatted for a while. She also told me about the latest drama with Gracie’s concert tickets and the resellers. I was so disappointed. It felt like a personal betrayal. It’s like this: Imagine finding out your dad, who you thought was just working late, has actually been cheating on your mom. That’s how it felt. But instead of a dad, it’s your favorite artist, and instead of cheating, it’s their lack of action against resellers. You’re the biggest fan, but the odds feel stacked against you because your favorite artist didn’t do anything to stop resellers from jacking up prices and hoarding tickets. I know this kind of thing is inevitable, and that Gracie is still new to the industry. But it still stings. How are fans ever supposed to meet their heroes when it feels like they don’t even care? (Even though I’m sure Gracie probably does care.) After that, I went back to my place, cried on the phone with Adrian, wrote some blog posts, and finally went to bed an hour or two past midnight. Before falling asleep, I watched James Scholz’s new video and even forced Adrian to watch it with me. James Scholz will always have a special place in my heart. He reminds me of what happened with PewDiePie back not so long ago. PewDiePie received so much hate from people who were jealous of his success, and they projected their insecurities onto him. James Scholz is going through the same thing now. I was already aware of the hateful video James mentioned. I knew exactly which one he was talking about. I remember watching it with Ria, and being so repulsed. It was made by some French girl who hated on James, even though he’s just a guy trying to create a community where people can find comfort and strive for better. He’s not even trying to make money off YouTube. I mean, seriously, leave James alone. He’s just a guy trying to give his mom a good life.
I wonder if it would be better for my room to be shrouded in darkness or be overwhelmed by the sunlight. Honestly, I’d rather be in the dark. I would not wish to hate something so beautiful. Regrettably, I am starting to hate the sun. It’s too bright for my liking. Adrian got here very early. He cooked me breakfast while I was fighting for my life at the Gracie Abrams’ general sale for tickets. I went on a call with Sine to make sure I’d secure at least one ticket. But everything happened so fast. We were both so convinced that we were first to get in. We weren’t, and in less than a minute, all the concert tickets sold out. After Adrian went home, I took my shower and lazed off. I continued proofreading and uploading my blog entries from the block. It’s taking so long, but that’s to be expected. When Ria came over to stay for another night, she got us both food and played Roblox with me and Adrian. We played a single round of Free Play on Dress to Impress, following the theme of the Mario Brothers (plus Princess Peach). I fell asleep not long after that. I think I was passed out for about 2 hours or so. With the enlistment happening tomorrow, I got in the zone right after I woke up and started making more backup plans for my backup plans. My friends and I shared a bunch of Google documents supporting our research for our preferred schedules and professors. We should be fine by tomorrow, but the thing is, a part of me didn’t trust it. I knew it was too good to be true. More hours passed, and to end the night, I decided to do some of my blog entries. I stayed up with Ria until 5 a.m. Adrian woke up sometime around then. He woke up just to have a little chat with me. We played blindfold chess until we both fell asleep.
The Gracie Abrams' concert presale condemns me. No, I didn’t get tickets for Gracie Abrams’ concert. I have my indecisiveness to blame. I'll try again tomorrow. Wish me luck. I got ready to head back to university since I still had a couple of requirements to submit. I had to wait for my dad to come home so he could drive me there. When he did, he brought home the best food ever. Instead of leaving right away, I couldn’t help but serve myself a plate. I still regret not taking some with me. Adrian wanted to meet with me again, but the circumstances didn’t allow us to. The urge to beg him to come and see me was very strong, but I knew it was just me thinking in favor of my own self-interests. It would’ve been selfish to ask him to travel all the way from his place to mine just to see me for such a short amount of time. I didn’t do much when I got back to my place. I pretty much just lazed around. Although I had many plans, I still didn’t act on them.
I have many half-baked thoughts that I never got to develop due to my inability to escape this sadness, which I’m convinced has established permanent living arrangements in my life. I still can’t find a resolution to this as I don’t even fully understand what the problem itself even is. Ever since I’ve been sad, I’ve lost the will to do most things. I know I finished catching up on my blogs not so long ago, but that was done solely because productivity has become muscle memory for me. Going out of my way to write about interesting topics defeats me. At this point, I feel like I can only acknowledge and conceptualize ideas but never act on them.
I got up very late today. I had to set up a couple of things for the Gracie Abrams tickets war tomorrow, then just rested. I got to visit our other house too! They renovated it a lot, and I just can’t wait to be back home, home. My mom gave me strawberries before bedtime. I’ve been waking up with my phone fully charged too. I miss having my mom around. I’ve always noticed how my shampoo never ran out back then but never found the chance to thank her for it. We’re not a very expressive household, and so it would be unusual for me to get all sobby on her. I hope I’m still able to express that gratitude in another way only a mom would understand.
Slight semblance of normalcy. Nothing makes sense. I am so disconnected from the life around me. I’ve tried running away, but each time I only find myself failing. The discontinuity of the life I’ve been leading is keeping me impoverished from the current truth of the matter. I can’t find myself.
I woke up an hour past noon again. I quickly got ready to pick my baby brother up from school. His face was very well-lit today. He just finished with finals. After that, I had to go to my orthodontist appointment. They showed no mercy. I could estimate another week of suffering from my newly adjusted braces. I spent the whole day eating, all the while writhing from the pain of my teeth. It got later, and I was starting to receive emails of grades for the first term. Everything has been good. The one and only subject I’ve been on edge about turned out miraculously better than I had anticipated. The professor gave me the highest grades for the class activities and such. I did not see that coming. Needless to say, I am part of the first honors Dean's List for this first semester. Before going to sleep, I procrastinated on my blog and played a bunch of iPad games with Adrian. At one point, I was animating the randomest things. Then we played this “guess the Pokémon” game. Except the mechanics of it were that he’d give me the name and type of the Pokémon (along with a couple of clues), and then I’d draw it. It was so fun. I love laughing at dumb things with Adrian.
I am helpless to time. It refuses to bend to my will. It refuses to pause for my breath. Time wears me out. I have much to do with only so little time. All the sentences I write seem incomplete. I’m trying to catch up with my diary entries. It’s such a challenge. I taught my little brother the remaining lessons he had left for his final exam tomorrow. Very stressful day for the both of us.
I love being in the south. I want to go out for a walk, but all I can think about is the amount of work I could be doing. My terminal is running too many commands, and I’m consequently finding myself in a frozen state. I am so tired. I spent the whole day teaching my little brother all the lessons in his math syllabus.
I’ve been ignoring my self-interests for quite a while now. I feel like most of the things I do are for the sake of others perceiving it. A lot of things are bothering me. I fear my germaphobia is acting up again. I just want everybody to leave me alone. I think this concern can be tracked down to my white carpet worries. I know most people would not give a second thought to trash what isn’t theirs. I’m not necessarily claiming that other people are trashing my carpet... beacause they’re not. But it’s this weird thing in the functions of my brain that is making me think otherwise. Again, I know that my carpet is clean. I am simply insane and have unresolved mental issues dating back to my childhood. Anyway, I spent most of today sleeping again. I decided to have my breakfast halfway past early afternoon. I cooked myself a nice meal, showered, then packed my things up. My parents are finally picking me up. I was on a call with Adrian as I did nothing else other than waste time. I sewed for a bit too! With the first term of university being over, I feel like all the stress I’ve accumulated did not properly get disposed of. I can only hope to find myself again. I’m sorry, but the white carpet thing is really, really, so, so heavily bothering me. My parents picked me up from my place back home, and I already made the deliberate decision to lock in and help my baby brother for his finals. He’s failing. I feel horrible. I miss my boyfriend.
I’m preserving the flowers I was given yesterday. It took one small inference feeding another that led me to the conclusion that everybody hated me. It took me so far away from reality. I think this day made me realize just how loved I am. A lot of people remembered me. Ria remembered that I loved cheesecakes. She got this bear cheesecake, and it was the best thing ever. She also ordered food for us. Of course, Adrian, my other honorary online roommate, was there too. He was actually the first person to greet me. He sent me this paragraph which I just adored. I love being appreciated. He makes me feel appreciated. I called Brie too. I felt so loved. I don’t understand why I find myself so unlovable at times. I didn’t do much during the daytime. I’m still under hibernation, recuperating from all the aftermath of my sleep deprivation and overall lack of self-care. I cooked this big brunch with Ria. We devoured our meal within a tenth of the time we spent preparing it. I just called with Ria and Adrian for the remaining time of my day. Somehow, I was just happy people even liked me enough to send me messages wishing me a happy birthday.
My state of mind is manifesting itself externally. I resumed studying at around 4 a.m. The tightening in my brain was constant. I had never struggled so much just to study. I went to class for the last time. I took the test, and I was fine. I was happy to have passed. Spoiler alert: I got a 4.0 in this subject. The department in charge of our final exam definitely did not proofread anything. It was around a hundred questions with no right answers, incorrect grammar, and, all in all, just a bunch of compiled nonsense. I'm pretty sure cheating was encouraged too (but I don't think anyone in our class did actually cheat), since our professor would only come into our classroom to address the errors in the test and give us some answers. A part of me was disappointed. I knew the lesson so well, only for none of it to come up. I really did study. It's a shame to see all that hard work go to waste. But oh well. I'll live. I was glad. My friend Juliet gave me flowers! I could've sworn I got so starry-eyed. I love flowers. It's a shame no boy will ever know how much I appreciate them. Juliet gave me sunflowers, and, on top of that, she gave everyone else matching keychains. I'm glad to have met such good friends during my first year here in university. I saw an old friend of mine visiting her boyfriend, who happened to be my classmate too. It was cool. One of my friends, Vernon, walked with me back home for some reason. Adrian was waiting for me on the way. I love my boyfriend. I think I've mentioned this before, but Vernon and Adrian are old friends. Having them come up with me to my room worked well enough since I really had no plans other than sleeping. They talked the whole time while I slept. But before that, Adrian gave me a gift. It was this flower pendant thing that was being held by his so-called "messenger." It was so cute. Then Vernon decided to take a nap too. I stole Adrian and made him nap with me. I am so honest when I say this: every single hurt that I felt in my body disappeared when I felt his warmth around me. There has to be some scientific explanation for that. I'm not even kidding. My first nap without him was terrible. My head was on the brink of exploding, my eyes felt so sensitive against the bright light that my blinds barely filtered, and my body - god, my body ached so, so, so bad. Having him beside me made me fall asleep faster than any lullaby could've ever done. I swear I'd do anything to sleep having him near me again. I was very hard to wake up. I felt like a child. If I had to confess, I was being so resistant to getting up because I'd never felt so comfortable in my life. We ate out after. We had Subway, then they bought drinks from the convenience store. I wanted something different. I recognized one of the coffee shops while we were walking out, and I knew they served Biscoff lattes, so I had no choice but to plot on acquiring myself a cup. They came along with me there, and then we said our goodbyes. I went back to my place with Adrian and spent another hour together. I hate it whenever our time together runs out.
Ria went over for the night.
Perfection is the middle of the spectrum, not at the top, so why do I know nothing other than aiming for the top?
I woke up around 7:30 this morning to head to the library and meet up with my groupmates. We had booked two rooms, thinking we’d only be there for the time scheduled by our professor. Groups presented their business case analyses one after another, but the professor kept asking for breaks, which just dragged everything out. After about four hours, we moved to a different location. It was a vacant classroom. But once again, the professor dismissed us, saying she doesn’t grade well when she’s hungry, and we had to wait even longer. I was so exhausted and frustrated that it definitely affected my performance. But at least that part was over with. I went home, only to find out that our business finance formula sheet had been released. It was full of mistakes, wrong variables, and things we hadn’t even covered in class. I completely lost it. I sobbed. I vomited. It was horrible. Despite that, I still tried to study the best I could. Later that evening, I found myself on a call with my old friends. They felt so human. I missed the support they gave each time we’d have one of our “hell weeks.” I needed that today. Adrian helped me out by making flashcards, too. He named the files “I love you,” and my heart literally melted. It meant the world to me. He’s been sacrificing his sleep just to accompany me on the nights I’ve stayed up late studying. He’d even make those dumb excuses about playing Pokémon just so he could reason with me on why he should stay up too. I didn’t get much sleep again tonight. It was a tough day. I struggled through it, but I somehow made it.
Can I even attribute the word "smart" to myself anymore? Maybe I shouldn’t be so self-deprecating, considering that even though I’m not meeting the expectations I’ve always had for myself (nothing less than a perfect grade), my grades are still objectively high. I took my accounting final exam for this term, and I think I did fine. I’m just glad it’s one less thing to think about. I went out with my friends again, and we spent some time discussing the marketing defense we were having later in the day. We met up with the rest of our groupmates after a while, too. We went over our game plan and just decided to leave the rest of it up to luck. Fast forward a couple of hours: we were the last to present. I think our defense went well enough. I took control of the floor for most of it, since I’m just one of those people who can’t be shut up. But overall, it shouldn’t have been that bad, right?
I lost another soldier. I will soon hold a funeral for all the pens I have caused the death of (from dropping them). Lots of study materials. I had about a thousand, more or less, accounting problems to solve. It was so overwhelming looking at them, let alone answering them. Barely have any time to even take a deep breath. I worked on a lot. I had to finish up my marketing plan, film a project, edit, and all that. I am so exhausted. My brain can only handle so much.
I wouldn’t even consider today a new day. I stayed up all night writing papers yesterday, and now my eyes are swollen. My best guess as to why I was in such a condition is simply the lack of sleep.