August 27, 2026
The cucumberless fridge is a disheartening sight to see.
Today, I am breaking the cardinal rule of all webmasters. I am doxxing myself.
The cucumberless fridge is a disheartening sight to see.
Today, I am breaking the cardinal rule of all webmasters. I am doxxing myself.
I need my fingers pricked immediately. I feel as if I share the same fate as Aurora. It’s all I’ve been doing recently. It’s all my body wants to do. After the whole enrollment fiasco, my body had entered a state of perpetual sleepiness.
At 10 p.m., I had to knock on my chest a few hundred times to get my heart to beat again. It genuinely felt like it had stopped. I couldn’t move. I was completely immobile, and I was panicking. It was a panic attack if I’d ever seen one.
What exactly was I afraid of? The only task I’d been avoiding the entire day was making my class schedule for my junior year at university. But I couldn’t. I was scared. The competitive environment scared me. I needed the open slots, but I wasn’t sure I’d get them. I’d always been the type to get the short end of the stick.
At 12 a.m., I put on some guided meditation video on YouTube. I had to name things I could touch, see, hear, and smell. I did everything I could to kick the anxiety out the door.
I gave my friend a call, who was also awake by then, at 3 o'clock in the morning. We were both panicking. I asked her why she was still up. She said she couldn’t sleep. Her anxiety was eating her alive. It was strange that I felt relieved hearing those words, but I did.
Our course truly was so, so incredibly competitive. They’re out to get our throats.
It was 4 a.m. when we finally caught our breath again. 5 a.m. when we finished making our schedules and researching our professors.
There were marbles and popsicle sticks in the post. I didn’t even grab a coat before heading out in the most unflattering set of pyjamas to walk over and collect my parcel. Do not question the ridiculous things I’ve been ordering.
Today, I started and finished the third book in the Once Upon a Broken Heart series. I also switched to air-dry clay to make pastries for my Maileg mice family.
I wish I could seal today with a kiss because the ending to the series I’d been reading was just so perfect. The plot had its fair share of loose threads, but I didn’t even care. I felt iridescent, like I could be in a fairytale too!
The beard on my chin has probably grown all the way down to my feet. I’ve done all I can to condition this block of clay in my hands. I’m starting to resemble Gandalf, but the wisdom has not so much as grazed me. All I know is that I must keep kneading and folding this clay, which is harder than the rock Excalibur was planted into. Half my life has been taken from me. I might meet the Grim Reaper soon. Perhaps he’d know how to make a block of dry polymer clay softer.
Other than that, I’m now on the second book of the Once Upon a Broken Heart series. It has been absolutely amazing and magical so far. Jacks and Evangeline can have all of my heart and more.
I’m at the mall with my family. I fully orchestrated this little scheme by telling my little brother to ask Mom to take us to the mall. I really just wanted to buy more clay. I’m a conniving daughter, aren’t I?
I’m totally kidding. If I’d really wanted just that, I would’ve simply asked my somehow extremely willing older brother to drive me there, which I do a lot of the time. I also have my own licence, so clearly, I’m perfectly capable of getting myself there. Anyway...
What I really wanted to do was take my little brother to the arcade and have a proper siblings’ day. So we ate at this Chinese restaurant, people watched with Mum, then went to the arcade to play games and bowl, before I snuck away (not really) to attend to my own agenda.
I am no longer the saddest person alive. I’ll be cleaning the furniture, then sitting down on it with a new book in my hand. Actually, I lied. I have my iPad, a downloaded book in ePub format, and the audiobook of said book ready in case I suddenly fancy making something silly.
A few chapters later, as I’d guessed, I painted teeny-tiny paintings and then felted a little rug for the dollhouse I don’t fit in. It was just the day I’d been needing.
It feels like I’m lying down awake for an open-heart surgery. I have a dozen or more case summaries to write, and I’m letting time run past me. I can’t bear hearing about tomorrow. I hate that I’m the saddest person alive. My heart is hurting. My anxiety is clawing at my chest.
You’re just going to have to guess what I’m going through. I don’t think I have it in me yet to write about my sadness. It does humor me that I’ve sat curled up with my knees to my chest, my bedroom door against my back, in the same spot where I’d cried the first time I got my heart broken. It’s funny how I’m still the same person, with the exact same habits.
The clock reads 8:57 a.m., but there is so much to do and I’ve already wasted the day. I wasted yesterday too. I waste all of my days.
I know I’m not making much sense right now, but most days I wake up drenched in anxiety and worry. I feel behind way before I could even give myself the chance to start.
Giraffe bartender. Dresses. Carrots. Birthday hats on elephants. Tea-riffic. I am a gibberish speaking mattress pea! Everyone and their fairy godmother could kill twenty four blackbirds with one pie. I would eat the pie. I am slowly losing my mind. My planner. Untouched for three months. Three whole months. Dust. Cobwebs. Lost dreams. It has become a historical artifact.
In my city, there are only two shops that stock Maileg. Two. One of them turned out to be closed on Sundays. Because apparently that was a secret worth keeping from the website. And the other didn’t have the Pig in a Box I’d been looking for.
So Ria and I came all this way for nothing.
And trust me, it was a struggle trying to line up our schedules for this. This would’ve deserved a very appropriate eyeroll if I’d eaten the wrong thing for breakfast. Luckily, I’ve been pretty content with life lately, so I don’t tend to carry negativity around on my shoulders. Plus, I was with one of the sweetest girls alive. So I shrugged it off.
We found a seat at this weird little place. Ria got herself the worst glass of completely undrinkable fruit smoothie, and we spent the rest of our time sharing traumatic incidents from our past.
Ria had apparently met the reincarnation of the Evil Queen. That was basically the whole story.
I’ve honestly forgotten what I shared, but I do remember that our conversation was darker than what we’d normally talk about. Not too dark. The extent of it was mostly just people being mean to us.
Then we went to this theatre tucked inside an incredibly adult and corporate-looking building. It was so cold and strange. It reminded me of the first scene of The Little Prince, where the little girl is being interviewed by a panel. I half expected someone to ask me to explain why I deserved a seat.
Ria had an extra ticket to Narnia and decided to give her spare to me, which is how this whole thing came about in the first place.
When we were ushered to our assigned seats, I noticed a guy to our left who had bought out an entire row of seats for himself. I don’t care if he was a theatre critic with a fancy moustache or someone terribly important. He was being a hog!
The play was awesome. Absolutely at a loss for words.
The rest of the day went by in a flash because I was in such a hurry. We had cheese katsugyudon, Ria bought a gazillion cat things, and I snuck off to the bookstore.
And then I found John Milton’s Paradise Lost.
I had preordered this four years ago, only for it to never arrive in the mail. And now, after all this time, it was just sitting there on a bookstore shelf.
Honestly, what are the odds? I’ll take it.
It’s been one exam after another. I’ve long ditched my colour-coded Google Calendars, because how could I possibly function and plan for anything when I know I’d have to study from Mondays through Sundays, take two to three exams every flipping week, and do just that, nothing else?
I get no pit stops in this economy! And I’m not even in the working class yet.
So no, there’s no prepping my lunches. I’m lucky if I get even one proper meal in me for the day. There are also no more workouts. Who cares if I never gain another pound from all this? I just want to go to Bath & Body Works. Buy myself a candle and a bath bomb. But instead of using the bath bomb for a bath, I’d just keep it in a drawer for next time and, instead, light the candle and burn all my papers.
Oh, would you look at that... another exam!
It’s getting harder to follow through with the promises I’ve been making to myself. I am not a person I can trust. I definitely haven’t become “too cool for school,” but I’m acting like a brat, and that needs to stop. I’ll try to read a few pages from my textbooks. Bye!
The current hamster wheel I’m stuck on is composed of words glued together, and each time you run, it gives you paper cuts of doom. Of course, I’m being overdramatic because I’ve already achieved the feat of reading a hundred books in the span of one year. Another law book shouldn’t scare me.
I just can’t confront the very real possibility that today, I’d have to spend from dawn till dusk studying. But I wrote things in my diary, ate a dozen croissants, washed my feet, looked around my room, tried my hardest not to fall back asleep, and started studying.
I complain a lot for someone who literally doesn’t have any other choice.
On the floor of my room are a bunch of wooden blocks that I’ve been stacking, arranging, and knocking over again and again. I am one old toddler. I even got my little brother to join me in the therapeutic nonsense I’ve discovered.
The world is the opposite of amazing. There is no zing. Only sadness and suffering, and now I’m rhyming.
After taking turns between studying and napping, my family finally dragged me out to dinner. I was beginning to forget what the outside world looked like. Then, as a reward for surviving the day, I bought myself a Rubik’s Race.
Played Roblox at 2 a.m. because apparently there is no better time to make questionable life choices.
My first ex sent me a link to Boy Gourmet. It was a spoof of my Girl Gourmet episode. LOL.
Twirling in the kitchen because I made a new Maileg YouTuber friend. Yay! Filming yesterday’s cooking video was so much fun. Everything is so fun.
And yet... my little brother is out playing in the rain, jumping in muddy puddles, and here I am, indoors. Like a total loser.
I’m conducting experiments with my little brother. We’re mixing all sorts of powders and liquids that probably shouldn’t be together. It’s a concoction of sugar, spice, and everything un-nice.
Living in stolen pockets of time is hard. I have far too many things to do, and they’re so boring I don’t even want to write about them. If all I wrote each day was that I’d studied again, and again, and again, I’d be like a bee with a diary!
So, in the little time I could scrape from my day, I made my nephew (Ria’s cat) in felt! It was a realistic 1:6 scale needle-felted cat. While I was at it, I thought I’d make myself my own weird little creature too.
And even though my exams were right around the corner, I didn’t miss the chance to watch two whole seasons of this Wistoria anime. I have gone mad.
On my bed was quite the haul of souvenirs from my family’s recent travels. I’d been left behind, and it’s common courtesy in my family to bring back a little something for the person who stayed home.
With sparkles in my eyes, I eagerly reached for the Maileg unicorn. My brother went through an entire scavenger hunt for this thing. With the unicorn being a limited release from the yearly catalogue, I honestly never would’ve thought I’d ever get my hands on one of these. I put my happy dance on hold and laid out the rest of the haul.
There were keychains. One was a sheep... or it might have been a ram. Well, it was a sheep with horns. Lots of cotton tank tops. A Swatch watch from my dad, a tiny fluffy cat bag, and a Spider-Man T-shirt. Super neat!
I am beyond grateful.
The answer is always simpler than I’d ever let it be.
I’m down on my luck. Miss Snotty Face is back, and she came back like a bad penny. I wasn’t sure whether I’d caught a whole new cold or whether the last one had simply decided to resurface. Nonetheless, my body certainly knows how to pull an infuriating prank, and all I could do was stick a palm to my forehead.
Within the snap of a finger, the symptoms were gone. I was no longer ill, and I’d make it to my three-hour Saturday law exam without so much as a stuffy nose.