Back

Recent Entries

August 31, 2024

If my life ever permits it, I would most definitely run away. It’s an impulse that’s very recurring in my thoughts (and diary). I just feel like I’m best when left alone. I’m moving out sometime around this week. For now, I had to check out my condo and measure a few spaces. I bought some things from Ikea too. We ate at the restaurant there, and my baby brother, who tagged along, got himself some stuffed animals. It’s going to take a while to settle in. I’m very overwhelmed, in the anxious kind of way. I was so exhausted when I got home. I had to order some things online too. I showered, ate while watching One Piece, then worked out. My workout form was atrocious today, but I couldn’t be bothered. Once all was done, I went on a call with Adrian.

August 30, 2024

I want to code another game. Anything simple would do. But since I have insufficient time to start any new projects, I resorted to fixing the back-end of my website. I finally uploaded Cy Brawler on Itch.io. It’s posted on the games page of the website too. I continued watching One Piece just to try and catch up before I inevitably stop watching for another year or two again - a very bittersweet goodbye. I uploaded some of my diary entries too. I’ve actually been a lot better at writing every day. The only problem I have is that whenever I do have to post them online, I need to put them through proofreading and editing. That’s the part I more often than not procrastinate. I didn’t miss today’s workout, so that’s awesome. I tried hitting more reps. After that, I went on a call with Adrian. He fell asleep again. I love it when he’s sleepy.

August 29, 2024

Breakfast was nice. It was very peaceful. The regular program continues. All was the same. I wore an outfit that I’ve most likely worn in previous episodes. Nothing was different. I watched a lot of One Piece. I didn’t work out, but I still had my call with Adrian.

August 28, 2024

The road was slippery, but I was driving faster. I like gambling with circumstances that have a low probability of death, like walking too close to the road on sidewalks, crossing without looking, climbing up places not meant for climbing—anything in that range of activities. Death is most certainly far from my concerns. This morning required much time from me, but I am now officially enrolled in university. Every passing day makes college feel more tangible and reachable. It’s scary to an extent. I’m not that worried, but I know that adapting to change can be quite a challenge in any scenario. I typed up some documents for my parents too. It was a lot. Then I drove out for my orthodontist appointment. I’ve had my braces on for so long, and I look forward to the day they get taken off. I got myself some food before going home, going a little off my usual choice of menu. Afterward, I rested for a bit, ate lunch, and then took a shower. Seeing the rain calm down made me consider getting my overdue haircut, so I went out and got it. I trusted Adrian’s suggestion for a haircut, and he was right - I actually liked it. I took another shower when I got back and then worked out. We called as we always do and talked a lot. Time passed by quickly, and we completely disregarded everything else. He didn’t get to do his homework, which means I failed at not making myself a distraction from his priorities. I wish he’d take care of himself more. He’s always choosing me over other important stuff, which I appreciate but don’t want to tolerate at all.

August 27, 2024

Tiring day. I woke up early against my will and could barely keep my eyes open. I hadn’t slept for long, but I had no choice. It was a drive that took a little over an hour. I needed to go to my university to claim my identification card. The line moved quickly, and I was able to accomplish my task in no time. We picked up our baby brother from school afterward. I’m starting to despise car rides. I’m not the type to get motion sickness, but the amount of rest that car rides and going out, in general, have taken away from me has left a permanent toll on my body. I can’t help but feel dread whenever I have to ride in one now. It’s very tragic. I played the guitar for a bit while waiting for my mom. She had some things to do. I offered to give her a ride. I’ve been picking up speed in my driving, though I still struggle with parallel parking. I bought a new book and some clothes too. I’m going to have to start packing soon. I ate a nice full meal when I got home and played some more songs on the guitar - both acoustic and electric. Today’s my rest day, and to put my progress report here, my core is extremely toned. My genetics are working double time too. I love my muscle placement so much. I know I show off a lot, and I look like I have a bad need for a fidget toy with how often I lift my shirt up, but if you had abs like I do (just like Gracie and the mannerism we share), you’d totally flaunt them too. Anyway, I showered and called Adrian. He came home late - he had a very busy day.

August 26, 2024

I teared up watching the concluding episodes of the Wano Arc, as I always do when an arc comes to a close. Momonosuke’s send-off made me bawl my eyes out, especially when Luffy gave him his Jolly Roger. I sincerely admire Oda for his perspective on things. I love how he writes and how he doesn’t unnecessarily kill off characters. He has a talent for writing death scenes too - Ace, Hiriluk, Whitebeard, to name a few memorable ones. He’s said to enjoy writing the post-fight parties, and I love reading and watching them just as much. It gives me a sense of satisfaction like nothing else. His reasoning makes perfect sense too. He doesn’t let people die because that would make the parties sad; rather than a celebration, it would be more like a wake. I love his brain so much. I’m almost all caught up! I’m estimating another day or two of uninterrupted watching, and I should be able to lay off One Piece for a while again. I let One Piece consume me entirely again today. I did play with my baby brother for a while. I went on a call with Adrian pretty early too. We just talked about very random things. Afterward, I ate, showered, worked out, then went back on the call with my boyfriend again. We had this bit that went on for so long, acting out how we’d be in the future and how we’d tell our kids (whether they’re AI, alien, or clones of some kind) stories about how we met and fell in love. It was funny. For sure another point for the books.

August 25, 2024

Restless and debatably unproductive. I watched One Piece for the entire day. The spoilers from last year was almost inevitable. I caught some in my compact radar. Watching the crew defeat their respective opponents one by one was such a satisfying watch. The animation, especially the impact frames were all so awesome. Luffy’s Gear 5 was built into the plot quite well. I’m trying not to spoil anything so I’ll keep my thought to myself. It’s fine because for every single episode of One Piece, I’ve already created my own commentary and in-depth analysis that I store separately. The only thing close to productive that I’ve done is my daily workout and my call with Adrian.

August 24, 2024

One quick errand: I needed to get my drug test results. I wasn’t expecting anything other than negative. As far as I know, I haven’t touched a single substance that would have a negative effect on my body. I’ve had alcohol at most, but only on occasions that merit it. I had Japanese cuisine with my parents before heading home. For the rest of the day, I showered, watched One Piece (mostly this), then worked out. I fell asleep on a call with Adrian again. He started it. We’ve been taking turns. I know that oxytocin is often released when you’re with someone you love (because that’s just how it works), and that lowers cortisol, but it’s getting kind of concerning. I told him before that I miss him a lot when I’m extra tired because he’s turned into the rest I’ve never known, but I feel like I’m becoming codependent. Then again, that isn’t much of a problem considering neither of us is planning on leaving the other. We still managed to talk about a few things though.

August 23, 2024

I must’ve slept in the wrong position last night. My body wasn’t functioning well; parts of it were sore. The reasoning makes perfect sense since I was still on a call with Adrian when I decided to take a 5-minute nap. Those minutes sooner or later turned into hours, and before I even knew it, the sun was already up for the next day. I slept a bit longer after waking up. I didn’t struggle with the sleeping part, but I kept having nightmares. I was shuffling through them until I finally generated one where the setting of my dream was decent enough. By shuffling, I mean forcing myself to wake up through that weird paralysis phase I somehow always go through and jump-starting my consciousness by moving any muscle in my body to jolt me awake. Another attempt at acquiring the drug test requirement for university. The line was almost doormat steady, so I walked around, imitating the behavior of an NPC to entertain myself. I went back to the queue my mom was holding for me, only to find out that they skipped a bunch of numbers in the line - ours included. The process went pretty quickly after that. I should be able to get the results tomorrow. I bought myself food before going home. I ran into a friend I knew. I find it so cool that people like me enough not to ignore me if they see me around. I played with Lucas before going to the mall. I received the unfortunate news that he would soon be given away. My baby brother visited the hospital while I was asleep for almost half of the day, and his asthma was acting up with the dog around. My baby brother is heartbroken. I am too, but I’m so accustomed to our dogs leaving our home. They always come and go. I love dogs. I’m usually the one who takes care of them when they’re around. At least I play with them the most. I hate it when they leave, but it’s not like I have a vote in making them stay. Most of the dogs we own are at our farmhouse with their own caretakers. It’s good enough. Back to our current timeframe, today was a huge waste. The first thing I did when I got home was take a shower. Then I was lifeless. I did my diary entries, then worked out. I’m learning new pen tricks. I’m equipping myself with new random skills while I still can.

August 22, 2024

I met a lot of personalities, none that I haven’t already encountered before. Different individuals with different experiences, but all seemingly repeats of people I’ve already met. I redacted the essay that follows this to avoid scrutiny for my biased and incomplete understanding of the matter. My unwarranted disposition keeps everyone at a distant neutrality. I made lots of new friends right off the bat. I was late and was grouped with those who shared my fate. I saw some old faces too. They brought us to the hall where the early batch had already proceeded, and I made friends with everyone seated next to me. It was kind of cute. I formed a group during lunchtime as well. We walked around and got to know each other. I stuck with these people for the rest of the day. I haven’t had caffeine for such a long time now. They were giving it out during the tour, and I ended up with a cup in my hand. It actually tasted good. There was a portion where we were settled inside a classroom and did a couple of activities. Everyone seemed cool enough. The next part, where we were brought to the same hall we were in at the beginning and watched a bunch of upperclassmen perform, was probably my favorite. This really funny dude (with a similar gender preference) was sitting beside me, and we were hitting it off too. I really felt like the environment of university was fitting for me. It was draining but equally as fun. For the last part, we had a walk where they basically gave out freebies and welcomed us. That was great too. I was incredibly exhausted but rested well enough during the car ride home that I still managed to work out after all that. I gave Adrian a call and told him all about today.

August 21, 2024

I have lots of books waiting to be read that sit quietly on my bookshelves. Some of them have pages that haven’t seen the light of day in a while. Some are still wrapped in plastic, just as they were when I bought them from the bookstore. I want to get back into reading so badly, but I’ve been too preoccupied. There was a slight difference in my morning routine today. I brushed my teeth and left the shower for later. Instead, I looked for Lucas (the corgi) and brought him into my room. He loves to bite. Since he’s just a baby, he’s still ungroomed, which means his claws are fairly sharp. It didn’t matter much, though, since all they left were tiny scratches on my skin. Then I let him go for a bit. I had to take a shower. That’s when I had my breakfast. I had bacon! On a perfect day, I would definitely choose bacon for breakfast. Lucas kept me company, settling down right beside where my foot was resting. I was watching One Piece. I watched it the entire day. It turns out that some things never change, one of them being my weird little obsession with this incredibly long anime. Not many events worth writing down today. All the food I consumed was super good. I logged my thoughts on each new One Piece episode I watched. I worked out, took a quick nap, and went on a call with Adrian. Everything followed the routine.

August 20, 2024

It’s nice to have some early morning fare to start the day. I tend to unintentionally skip it on most days. I watched more episodes of One Piece. I had my orthodontist appointment, and I take it that their objective is to shut my mouth closed. I got myself a coconut shake before going back home. I was in the car for a while. The weather seemed upset. My dad came back home with a new dog, which he left outside. It was raining heavily. I rushed home and gave the puppy a bath. I blow-dried his hair too. We named him Lucas (like George Lucas because of Star Wars), and I played with him for almost the entire day. My baby brother adored him. I brought him upstairs with me and let him adjust to the new environment. I worked out, watched more One Piece, had another sword fight with my baby brother, then went on a call with Adrian.
Adrian spoke of a few things that I can’t unhear. I love myself to an extent, but as I’ve claimed repeatedly, I know I’m not meant for relationships. I don’t think I’m someone anyone could love fully. Sirko is an exception to that rule, of course. But it’s just a concept I’ve had a hard time rationalizing because quite frankly, I don’t like myself. It’s very contradictory with my occasional self-obsessed personality, but I’m like an acquired taste—almost. I have Gatsby’s tragic flaw of an inability to escape my past. I hated myself for such an extended period that any derogatory lapse of tongue will send me right back to that unforgiving dome. It was a tough scene for a while. I have to admit, I did cry a little. The reality of the matter hit me hard, and I was forced to accept it. Because it was really the only way I could recover from that. I’m sure he meant well by it. The dice of fate have never rolled in my favor anyway. But I hope that somewhere, at some time, the kind of love that would make it impossible to trade me for anything else in the world will find me.

August 19, 2024

I have to complete more medical requirements for university. It’s honestly such a drag. I picked up my baby brother from school on the way. I was unsuccessful with my only task - the hospital I went to didn’t have the specific drug tests I needed. I showered, then went on a call with Adrian. I didn’t do much, but with how often I go outside, the slightest bit of activity is very taxing on my physical state. The tiredness in my system has yet to be fixed. At this pace, I don’t think it ever will. Adrian was doing his homework. I talked and wrote until I fell asleep. He did too. It was pretty late in the afternoon, and the light outside was dim. I woke up after the sun had completely set. I ended the call to eat dinner. I played the electric guitar, worked out, then called my boyfriend. He was extremely tired. He’s still recovering from his recent sickness, and his workload is pretty piled up. I started watching One Piece again and managed to watch about 10 episodes, more or less. Then I woke Adrian up around 2 a.m. so that he could continue with his work. I passed out afterward.

August 18, 2024

I felt pretty under the weather. I showered early in the morning only to head back to bed and sleep for a couple more hours. I cooked breakfast for myself just to get my daily sustenance. I worked out. I feel like everything I thought I had control of is slipping past me. I’m making my best efforts to keep it together. How do you call it when you’re in your head? Like when you really stay inside of it? I don’t know. Gracie couldn’t figure it out either. I’m looking for some kind of validation. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I was only making things worse. I wanted to hear words that were too specific. It’s like I’m playing a game of hope chess. Honestly pathetic, but it’s better than not trying to get out of whatever mess my brain is creating. I was never good at coping. I finished reading a new book. I read the Penguin Little Black Classic Well, They Are Gone and Here I Must Remain. I managed to take away some pretty cool quotes from it. After that short distraction, I started losing it again. Having the brain I have is proving to be some kind of challenge. It was inescapable, which wasn’t particularly ideal. So I worked out. My body felt unusually light. I didn’t struggle as much. After that, I read another book. This time, it was by Edgar Allan Poe. I read The Fall of the House of Usher. I annotated it quite heavily. I had fun. I had some time to write, so I did that too. I went on a call with Adrian as I routinely do. We talked for a bit, he did his homework, and I finished writing some entries.

August 17, 2024

My body refuses to cooperate with me. It’s paying off its monthly wages. I was stuck in bed for the majority of the day. Quite literally, too. I tried doing a couple of tasks, but I was incredibly slow at completing them. I was on a call with Adrian for the rest of the afternoon. I did the slightest bit of a workout that I could—if you could even call it that. It’s been so long since I last touched my electric guitar. I plugged in the amplifier, adjusted the tuning, and played a couple of songs. It’s good to know that some skills don’t ever leave. I called with Adrian before falling asleep. We were both very sleepy.

August 16, 2024

I might actually love him. Love in all uppercase. It’s been a while since I last saw my boyfriend, and I’ve tried my best to burn every detail of him into my memory. I like to think I’ve been successful, but just in case one detail slipped my mind, I have another shot at it today. I did a light workout early in the morning. I had time, lots of it. I got to read a couple of pages from my new book too. After going through the steps of my morning routine, I got ready and headed to where we agreed to meet. I missed him a lot. We ran into a few acquaintances and had some small talk. One of them was a guy who seemed to know the two of us, but I regrettably had no idea where I had met him before. I hope I didn’t come off as rude because his familiarity with me registered pretty late in my mind. I was convinced he was just Adrian’s friend. Anyway, we had Japanese cuisine for lunch. We sat beside each other. I think Adrian has had me read almost every time we've been together. In every two chairs, I always prefer to share one with him. That applies to other situations too. I was trying my best to finish my meal while he told me stories he’d accumulated over the past week. I really loved being around him. He’s been very insistent on getting me flowers, but I forbade him. I made a promise a while back that the first boy to ever give me flowers would be the one I’d marry, and so far, I still have yet to receive them. I’m trying to prove something to whoever is handling my cards above. I had to buy over-the-counter prescriptions for my baby brother, so Adrian went with me. Then we sat on a bench by a fountain. With every half of a conversation we had, the sun sank farther until the clouds bled tiny hints of gold, somehow overshadowing the gloomy weather. It began to rain, but I still felt warm. We found shelter and stayed there for a few more minutes. And all that nothing prophetically felt like it could be everything. I knew it would be a memory I’d revisit for a long time. In every consuming way, I am so certain that I love him. Love in both uppercase and lowercase.

August 15, 2024

My breakfast consisted of The History of England, as narrated by a partial, prejudiced, and ignorant historian, accompanied by my favorite pen and a journal. I wrote my own version of it for today’s analog journal entry, told with very limited and unreliable understanding. It was actually pretty cool. I loved writing and reading about it. I consumed a lot more content than I had originally intended, but I fell too far down the rabbit hole. I was logging my findings, reasonings, and contemplations from 12:29 p.m. to 3:01 p.m. I finished Jane Austen’s book pretty quickly. I gathered that she loved Mary, Queen of Scots, just as much as she despised Queen Elizabeth I. I read another book right after that—Abby Jimenez’s Just for the Summer. I read through it so quickly. I love the book so much. I like how she writes too. I went out with my mom since she had some appointments. I used that time to get a mani-pedi. I loved the person who did my nails. I had some broken nails, so I wasn’t expecting much, but she somehow made it work, and I was absolutely obsessed. I asked for French nails with red tips. I got the usual for my toes (I think girls universally just get white for that). I checked out the bookstore with the extra time I had while waiting for my mom. There weren’t any books that particularly piqued my interest. I picked up a package on our way home. I showered, worked out (a very intense one at that), and got myself ready for bed. I also finished up the friendship bracelet I had been making for Adrian. I had kind of abandoned it for a while because the felt projects had been quite distracting. Adrian did his homework, so I had to entertain myself with other activities. I helped him out a tiny bit too. We started our call around 3:00 a.m. I honestly don’t think it’s possible for me to go to sleep without talking to him for at least a few minutes a day.

August 14, 2024

I woke up to some disturbance in the force. I heard the distinct sound of my bedroom door opening. It was my mom. She delivered a small piece of information that got me up on my feet to grab my bathroom towels. I had to take a shower and get ready quickly since an electrician was visiting to fix one of the broken light bulbs in my room. I ate breakfast downstairs while reading the same book (Sketchy Doubtful Incomplete Jottings by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe) from yesterday. I finished it right before I took my last bite. It was good. I did some other normal human activities like talking to Sirko. It was short, but I just love all my conversations with her. I sewed up some more felt things. Still the coolest. I went on a call with Ria to play Dress to Impress on Roblox in the afternoon. We were so good. Brie joined in after a little while too. I enjoyed it. After that, I went on another call. Obviously, it was with my boyfriend because I don’t have that many people in my life. He still hasn’t gotten better, but he was very insistent on talking to me. He eventually fell asleep. It was kind of cute. Then I had dinner. My first one, at that. I settled down for a bit, worked out, showered, then had two more completely different meals. They were very heavy too. I went back upstairs into my bedroom and called Adrian. It was for a very short amount of time, but we still somehow talked a lot.

August 13, 2024

People spoil a lot of words with misuse. They scrape off their meanings. It’s tragic. People delude themselves with empty, stolen words. They talk about things they know nothing about. I am thinking about starting another journal, as if the dozens I have are not enough. I oftentimes enter the semi-hypnotic state of subconsciousness (or daydreaming, as you may). I wish to converse with someone who carries a story. But as I am deprived of that, I will resort to writing some more. I write down each passing thought and observation. I notice sensitively. Everyone is turning into one and the same. It’s boring. I had my orthodontist appointment early this morning. I picked up my baby brother from his school right after. And now all that I’ve been doing is wondering. I started another felt project, so that’s pretty cool. I’ve been reading diaries online too. Time passed by quickly. I ate dinner, showered, read, worked out, and went on my daily call with Adrian. He’s still sick. He shared some pretty cool things about his day. It makes me feel so appreciated how much he shows me off. All his friends have the nicest sentiments about it too. I swear my boyfriend is single-handedly making me feel a lot more confident about myself. He never fails to remind me how beautiful - as he calls it - I am. I’ve been avoiding using any derogatory words about my optical imperfections. I mean, I know I’m not ugly, but I’ve had some issues in the past. At least I never thought of myself as being pretty enough. One thing I’m sure of, though, is that Adrian is genuinely the prettiest boy I’ve ever laid my eyes on. And I’m so serious about it. I have yet to shut up about him since I saw him for the first time. And to date someone like him is enough validation that the chances of me being physically unappealing aren’t as much as I worry them to be.

August 12, 2024

I am continuing with what I left off on last night. I took a shower, made my own breakfast, then went back to sewing more felt things. I finished the fish bowl I was making from the night before. I cut and sewed some more and made an apple one really quickly. I’m giving that one to Sirko. I made an olive martini for Nefer while I was enjoying my time. These felt projects have been consuming my days whole. I like it. The only other thing I did that didn’t include any felt cloths and threads was working out. I called Adrian on the phone since he was burning up from a fever and couldn’t really stay up late. Our time was cut short, but I still had the best time. He makes me laugh a lot. I really, really like him. After the call ended, I sewed a bit more, then went downstairs a little past midnight to cook myself a full meal.

August 11, 2024

I waste time so impenitently. My early morning passed by quickly. I had bacon for breakfast, a meal you could never go wrong with. I cooked a single serving, which was for myself, and ate whatever was on the countertop. I consumed an ice cream cone just for the fun of it too. Today contains no stories to tell. I tried to make another friendship bracelet only to be sabotaged by my own obsession with perfection. I started another book again.
While on a call with Adrian, I finally figured out the answer to one of the questions I ask people a lot. The question being: What one phrase would you say if you had the chance to be broadcast through the mass population’s minds? I’d say, “Wake up, you’re not real.” I love chaos. It’s an act in the lines of “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” I don’t wanna dox myself since that’s just making myself a target, and I can’t possibly command brain-dead people since everyone’s just naturally defiant, so with this imposed self-doubt and a bit of fear, sense of urgency, and emancipation, chaos will be brought forth. I think. Anyway, I am writing my diary entries as Adrian is doing some more of his homework. I sewed up new felt projects too.

August 10, 2024

A thick layer of cloud hangs outside the top of our roof. I was wrapped up in my white throw blanket. I had short recollections of waking up a few hours prior to when I actually regained my senses. I had given Adrian the direction to wake me up after I took an hour-long nap. We both ended up sleeping the whole night through while on call. The weather felt cold. I figured the rain must’ve given us a quick pass while I was sleeping. I finished a book today! It was Ryunosuke Akutagawa’s The Life of a Stupid Man. One line I really liked from it was “Those whom the gods love, die young.” I am convinced that I am a being once cradled by the hands of a god. I am incredibly blessed in multiple aspects, which I will not elaborate on further. But I am grateful. Unlike the author, I have had my own share of success in living life so intensely that I honestly could die at any moment with no regrets. Not that those achievements could be measured by any standardized scaling, I am simply thinking, therefore I am. Cogito, ergo sum or whatever René Descartes wrote. I made another felt project. I can’t exactly name the item, but it is for sure adorable. I did a couple of other errands during the day too. I taught my baby brother a new game, so that was fun. I was finally able to work out again, and I am so glad for that. It felt really nice. Adrian had some homework he needed to finish, so we didn’t talk much. We kept each other on our monitor screens while doing our own things. I was making another felt project. I swear it’s the cutest thing ever.

August 09, 2024

I feel the impending sickness starting to surface in my body. I have intermittently been feeling nauseous throughout the week. Unfortunately, I needed to do some medical tests. I am scheduled for quite a few requirements. I sat in the waiting room under the sterile white lights of the clinic. I waited for my number to be called, then went through that whole process repetitively for all the tests I needed done. I got my blood drawn, had a chest X-ray, and even got my ears cleaned. The ear cleaning was horrible. I was flinching at everything. It was a loud and uncomfortable experience. I didn’t have the best time when I had blood taken from me either. I get shots and blood extractions fairly often, but the medtech assigned to me was horrible. I mean no offense, but the way she did her job was excessively painful. My arms felt too weak to function. I was sad about the fact that I’d probably have to cancel today’s workout session. When I got home, I showered and put on some Anpanman band-aids where the syringe had made contact with my skin. I rested in my room for a bit, then changed clothes one more time since I still had a few appointments and whatnots left. I drove to the place I needed to be, finished the appointment, checked out the bookstore, and then had dinner with my mom. We ate at a Japanese restaurant. She had ramen and I had fried salmon. It was good. After that, I had to pick up my dad from another place, so I got the car keys and drove there. I didn’t have my glasses, and I’m still not that good at driving in the dark. I have pretty bad astigmatism, so the lights on my line of sight are pretty bad. I ended my day on a call with Adrian again. We played a couple of games, and it was fun.

August 08, 2024

I had not been expecting today to be a long haul. I received a text from my local bookshop that the Book of Bill I had preordered is now available for pick-up. I rushed to get ready and told my brother about it. Just as he was about to grab the car keys, our parents interrupted us and informed us about the plans they had made for us. My brother and I were both forced into submission and had to abide by what they had laid out. I could not find comfort in the car seats I was in for the time being. I was overwhelmed in the vehicle while the external world was being apprehended. My senses were all over the place. I felt carsick. I haven’t felt that way in a while. Basically, our parents made us sign a bunch of investments under our names. It was cool. I don’t think I can disclose anything more, but it was interesting for sure. As the sun was setting, my brother and I still managed to go to where we originally intended to. We got the book (and a couple more), took some headshots for other documents, and then I got myself yet another bottle of the coconut shake I make sure to always get. To add to that, I did the whole cartoon scene again where I ended up hitting the glass due to my failure in perception. I felt sick after exiting the car. I took a nice long shower and calmed all my nerves down. I did the lightest workout just to get it out of the way too.
I am not as unfeeling as I thought I would be. I had a tiring day, and I thought that would at least numb out any of the sensitivity I have. It’s all cool though. The same girl I mentioned last night, as it appears, has started on her little mission. I didn’t exactly argue with Adrian about it, but I did distance myself for a while. I’m best at processing when alone and undisturbed. I called The Bridge (my friend group with Brie and Tony) to talk about it, and we pulled a bunch of new jokes from that situation. It honestly wasn’t bad. Adrian handled it politely. He was still so nice. He did end up saying sorry. No harm was done; I hope he just thought nothing of it. I was the one who needed to give an apology. The interference of the force was really just more on my end, since my brain has been hardwired to that particular pattern recognition. I don’t like the fact that I don’t have the cleanest slate for relationships. But it’s not like I can undo the past. My words are heavily lacking right now. Maybe in the days to come, I’ll find words for how I feel. Because I definitely recognize my own emotions, I’m just not in my best state to write them down. Nothing to worry about because we patched up eventually after we started talking on Chess.com.

August 07, 2024

I slept fitfully. But somehow, my body remained heavy until a little past noon. I was stuck in bed, unable to move. I guess my body’s still catching up on sleep. My brother cooked us breakfast. We did the halfsies thing that’s part of the whole unwritten siblings code. I missed doing that. A little after, I had to deal with a few things. I looked after my baby brother too since he didn’t have anyone else to watch over him. I used that time to play the piano since he was sound asleep for the most part anyway. I’ve been reading a book too! The one I’m currently reading is another classic. I spent a bit of time scrolling through Pinterest for more felt designs to work on. My call with Adrian tonight was pretty interesting. I shared with him this little childhood game my brother and I made up a long time ago. We built, or rather, made up the rules as we played, so everything about it was unwritten. It occurred to me when I went to grab it from one of the drawers in my room that I am slowly forgetting the countless worlds we created playing this game. I held it in my hands, blowing out the dust, and that sort of broke my heart a little. It was basically a game inspired by that one Adventure Time episode, Card Wars. It was our favorite thing ever. We just had to make our own makeshift game. I remember each session so vividly as if we literally lived in our imaginations. And it’s cool because it was almost like we were sharing it. I could swear it was real. We used the Card Captor Sakura tarot cards.
Adrian told me about this girl who had been plotting on him. So that sucked. I mean, I love Adrian and I trust him completely. I appreciate whenever he tells me such details since I know all he wants is transparency. And I would a hundred percent do the same. But my roots continue to stunt me. By that, I mean the whole issue with me and jealousy that unwinds at the slightest bit of doubt. I guess the pit in my stomach is formed by my own firm belief that I’m someone replaceable. And no, I don’t actually think that. It’s more of something unconscious from what I’ve previously observed. I am self-sufficient and I like to believe that I am seriously hard to let go of. At least not when you’ve gotten to know me. But it scares me because him, of all people, is someone I’ve been thoroughly open to, and if he does replace me, I might just fall apart. That, and I don’t like the thought of another girl thinking about him.

August 06, 2024

I’m letting light from my windows come into my room. I’m sewing clothes for my Calico Critter. I’m making her a Padawan outfit. I spent hours making up a pattern for the set I had outlined in my head. I did a handful of prototypes to see which sketch would do it justice. I sewed as carefully as I could. I pricked my fingers multiple times. The thumb definitely took most of the damage. I eventually finished, and I’ve never been more proud of myself. It was so adorable. I showed Adrian my work almost immediately.
My early morning started off with my mind still unconscious. I showered, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth for the second time, then headed for my orthodontist appointment. They installed a bunch of new things inside my mouth. It was cool since they finally let me take off the appliance I’ve been wearing for years now. I don’t even remember what it’s like having so much space in the roof of my mouth anymore. They were also one of the causes of why I’d get sore throats so easily. After that, we inquired at the front desk of the hospital for the health checklists I’m trying to complete for the university I’m going into. They gave us some instructions, and I foresaw quite the busy week for myself. Once that was all dealt with, my mom drove us to get some frappe and flatbread. Obsessed with that order. When I got home, I took another shower and just rested for as much as I could. I sewed! As I mentioned in the first paragraph of this entry. I fixed up my room too. Some Olympics update (or at least one which I care most for): Noah Lyles won the first semis for 200m! Can’t wait for the second one until the finals. I am rooting for him because I swear he’s just worth rooting for. He’s receiving way too much hate. I love how he’s working up the crowd. Anyway, my day was overall pretty cool. I worked out, played with my baby brother, then called Adrian.

August 05, 2024

I am recovering from last week’s exhaustion. Today felt useless. I kept my eyes shut almost half the day. Adrian called me during one of his breaks. I was still in bed and talked to him with one eye open. Even after the call ended, I refused to leave my bed. Until I eventually had to. I got up and went through my morning routine. Today’s shower was very brief. I've yet to configure my brain's operating system to run. I did some diary entries. I’ve been watching the Olympics too. Noah Lyles has been one of the athletes that caught my attention. He won the 100m, and I am so glad he did. I love how there’s this bit of eccentricity in him. I admire his character a lot, especially when his entire country is preying on his downfall too. I started drawing again. Needless to say, I don’t see my talent in art leaving anytime soon. I finally got to work out again! One thing I dislike about vacations is that they deprive me of such activity. My step count went up, so at least it’s bearable. I have this borderline unhealthy obsession with my gains. Adrian once again accompanied me for the night. We talked like we do, and it was fun. I missed him a lot. He had to study too, so I just let him while I unboxed and played with my new Calico Critters sets.

August 04, 2024

I retreated to my limitations. I knew not to exhaust myself any further. I didn’t take the extra steps needed to reach the breakfast area of the hotel. I stayed in bed, thinking about the glasses I didn’t get to buy two days ago. As I had just finished dragging myself into getting ready, my baby brother came back to the room with a banana. It was for me - a gesture which meant a lot. We checked out of the hotel and then decided to go around the mall (which was connected to the hotel) one last time. My brother had some free coupons from purchasing something at the Bape store, so we just had breakfast there. He ordered a bunch of other stuff, which still leaves my jaw dropped to this day. I don’t get how he’s able to eat as much as he does. I would honestly not doubt it if he were to tell me he has an entire black hole inside him. I was still in search of a good pair of glasses. After seeing one that fit me so perfectly, it was impossible for it to ever leave my mind. We then went to the airport and went through the whole process. I was inside my own head the entire time. I had a specific genre playing in my earphones. To me, it sounded like SoundCloud rappers who make their music on BandLab and are now gaining a few thousand streams a month. Their lyrics are all somehow about fumbling someone they were once in a relationship with. Pretty interesting. I was so tired. I got back home pretty late. I finally got on that video call with Adrian again, so that was awesome. I missed him a lot.

August 03, 2024

We could hardly stay long under the sun with the current heat index. It’s our dad’s birthday, which also translates to our baby brother’s day. He’s spoiled; it’s just how it is. So the plan was Disneyland. We followed the train routes going there, and everything went by pretty smoothly. There was this creep on the train with the most cartoonish-looking face. I didn’t speak the country’s language, but I could guess by everyone else clutching their purses that he was harassing literally everyone on the train. There weren’t really any lines in the park. It was cool. The first thing I suggested we do was look for ice cream. My older brother ate everything on the menu (and chugged down two watermelon drinks), my younger brother ate an Inside Out themed popsicle, and I had the classic Mickey Mouse ice cream. Then we went inside a restaurant. We had a whole feast. Our table was filled. I was eating so much. My brother was trying to make me laugh too. We did this game where we would claim an absurd number of bites to finish a dish. I laughed so hard during my show of skill that I got scolded. We did a bunch of other rides too. I might miss some, but I’ll try to remember with the best of my abilities. So we did the Iron Man Experience (where I unluckily got the cart with the broken gun), the Iron Man Tech Showcase, Frozen Ever After (this one was new, so it was awesome), spent some time in the Toy Story area, Mystic Manor, and lastly, a classic—the Big Grizzly Mountain Runaway Mine Cars. It was awesome. My baby brother got this mist item from one of the stores, and I told both my siblings to just spray the water at me. I was drenched at one point. It was all on purpose, though. I snatched the mist shortly after their use and went ham with it. We all had to stop at some place there to change our clothes and everything. It was impossible for me to even take any pictures. I looked so exhausted. Thankfully, all the rains weren’t as long, though. Anyway, we went back home, and the day ended with everyone in the family losing the ability to walk.

August 02, 2024

No signs of cold air. Not even a gust nor a draft of wind. I saw a truck decorated with superhero figurines on our way to a restaurant that was serving homemade meals. My choice of menu was the duck legs set. It very considerately fueled me for the entire day. We went to the park looking for a playground as per my baby brother’s request. Unfortunately, the weather was not on our side. It was too hot for anyone’s liking. We were forced to locate it anyway since our baby brother’s whims are pretty much absolute. He’s very spoiled. After walking for what felt like all eternity, we resorted to just finding him a toy store. Luckily, Hong Kong’s biggest one was actually really nearby. So we went there.
I am restarting my Sylvanian Families Calico Critters collection. A little backstory: they were my entire life back then. I collected every single set ever made. It was a collection alongside my LPS, Re-Ments, and Tsum Tsums. I was obsessed with them. Every time we’d move houses, I’d be sure to pack them up first. That was until this most recent move when all of that suddenly disappeared. I have not let go of their disappearance since. I look for them almost every month whenever I am reminded of their existence. I mean, I had their biggest dollhouse and everything.
I know you didn’t ask, but here’s a little haul: I got the Refrigerator Set (KA-422), Kitchen Stove Sink Set (KA-420), and Country Home Furniture Set (WE-194). Once my baby brother’s temper tantrums were resolved, we went back to the hotel, put all the toys my baby brother bought (which were a lot), and headed for the train station. We went to Mongkok. The place was pretty cool but very hot. I bought new clothes, so that was fun. They were all such pretty pieces too. We ate there, found a really cool toy collector place, and my dad and brother had a field day there. I was with my mom. I made a joke about Inside Out while they were shopping for my baby brother’s clothes, and I made the whole family laugh. Then, just before leaving and taking the train back, I found myself picking up a pair of glasses. I knew it when I saw it. They fit me so perfectly that, for the first time in my history of trying out eyeglasses, I actually loved them. Sadly, I couldn’t process this greatness fast enough and left them behind. We went back to our place, rested for a bit, went out again for dinner (I had Pepper Lunch, and it was so good), and then called it a day. Before that, though, I had to text Sirko that I had just learned the valuable lesson of hesitation and regret.

August 01, 2024

I skipped out on sleep. I had an early flight, so I didn’t really have much of a choice. I stayed up on call with Adrian last night too. It was all good until my baby brother started getting on my nerves. I was too tired to deal with all that, so I was pretty deadpan the whole day. Adrian tried talking to me for a while while I was waiting to board. It was kind of sweet that he interrupted his REM cycle to talk nonsense with me. We got to the airplane, and my baby brother continued being annoying. He was kicking me the whole flight. He’s never been the type to listen. I forgot to mention, but we’re actually staying in Hong Kong for a week. So now that we have that context out of the way, we arrived there and I went full-on autopilot. I quickly learned our routes and took everyone to the hotel by train. We walked a lot too. We were kind of lost at first since they were fighting over directions, and I just couldn’t bother joining in. After more walking, they all decided to ask me where to go, and we finally ended up where we were supposed to be - literally an hour or so ago. We did get some assistance from a staff member who worked at the hotel too. I’ve always been in charge of navigation for as long as I can remember. What was the whole point of all that? We rested for a bit, then ate out. We looked at a bunch of stores too. It was pretty cool. My mom got me some cold tea to sip on, so there’s that. I felt so unwell. I was so drained that any attempt at a conversation with me would be met with some gibberish mumble. I had this whole vow of silence thing. I cried twice today. Like actual sobbing with continuous tears rolling down my face kind of crying. The first time was right before our plane landed, then the second time was a bit petty when my brother did the thing he always does again. It’s this coincidental sibling thing where we have objects that are switchable positioned right next to each other. For example, this often happens with our water bottles, and each time we leave our sight off of them, we confuse them for each other since we somehow always end up drinking just the same amount, so the waters perfectly align themselves. Now this happened with our wired earphones. I guess it was the confusion and using more of my brain to try and figure out which one was mine that completely tipped me off the edge. I swear I’m not this low with my reasons for crying. I was tired, that’s it. My brother and I even laughed off the fact that I started bawling my eyes out for no reason.