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October 31, 2024

The air is almost weightless around me. It’s cold, but just enough that I can wear light layers. Our destination for today is the Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan, located in the ward of Minato in Osaka. I was on the lookout for a ferris wheel that overlooked the city. It was an easy walk from there. We decided to eat first before doing any energy-inducing activities. There was this American-based hamburger restaurant, so we went there. They served the best food ever. It was Hasamun Kudony Osakasea, if I’m not mistaken. Apparently, Legoland was located right beside the aquarium, so that was pretty neat. Our time wasn’t very accommodating, though. The aquarium was awesome. There were two whale sharks that I thought were the absolute cutest. It was fairly big and had a lot of sea creatures to showcase. My mom got me ice cream afterward, but I couldn’t eat as much because of my cold. We also looked around the mall beside the aquarium. I wasn’t buying anything so I just sat on a random bench waiting for everyone. They came back with a Snoopy plush, and my dad said he got it for me. I appreciated it a lot, though I know I'll always struggle with expressing my gratitude. But I think they’d understand me, because, after all, they are my parents. We decided to drop by Namba (where Dotonbori is located). I got myself a skirt and a few other items. They were arguing over trivial things, so I decided to separate from everyone. I do remember eating good food. Also, since it’s Halloween, a number of people were dressed up so nicely. It’s a shame I’d only be able to participate tomorrow. We went back, and I thought that today was pretty fulfilling.

October 30, 2024

Sleep drove too hard a bargain for me to comply with, no matter how desperately I wanted it. Bad case of the sniffles. I found myself finishing boxes and packets of tissues one after the other. I packed up my things early in the morning. We were taking the Shinkansen from Tokyo to Osaka. I had to quickly find a way to transfer our luggage, and luckily, I came across a trusted delivery service nearby. We opted for Yamato Transport, which actually wasn’t too far from our hotel. After that, I took care of all the necessary documents. The old man I was conversing with was very nice. I was a bit nervous since Japanese addresses were not within my scope of knowledge, but I still managed. Conveniently, the Ueno Shopping District was only a couple of steps away. We went there and looked around before eating at this Teppanyaki restaurant. Back at the station, we completed all the processes, got ourselves reserved seats for Osaka, and unwound accordingly. I bought my little brother a Grimace Shake, and it made him so happy. We also found our residential apartment. It seemed sketchy at first, but the inside was so spacious that we concluded this was probably just how cities operate. I am currently at the bottom of the barrel in terms of physical health - I am so sick. Not in the cool way, either. Later, I had to get food for my family, so I ordered a bunch of chicken wings. They were so good.

October 29, 2024

Our plan was to visit the railway crossing used in the opening scene of Slam Dunk. It’s located at a certain stop along the Tokaido Line. However, we had already wasted time looking for a tangible thing that could cool out my little brother's hot head. We grabbed snacks from convenience stores and coffee shops in the area. Our location had lots of offerings. So now we were at the Fujisawa Station. Everything was so pretty. The train was green, and the shoreline was calling me out through the windows. Unfortunately, the weather was not as cooperative. We had no umbrellas in our inventory and the rain was pouring too heavily. While I normally wouldn’t care, my body was crying out for help. They took pictures, while my little brother, my parents, and I stayed behind. I was fine with it. All I’m really after is rendering new maps in my brain’s library of places. After the long train rides to a destination we couldn’t justify reaching, since the trip felt pointless due to the rain, we decided to head back. Before that, I saw that we were passing by Tokyo Station and gave out the smartest suggestion to buy my little brother toys there. I told him we'd get him Godzilla toys, and that pretty much made him easier to work with. We went to the Cartoon Street, and obviously, I stopped by some shops. I wasn't buying anything, which was surprising. I did visit the Pokémon and Mugiwara stores though. One last stop before actually going back, we went to Akihabara. My brother wanted to buy a few things, and I wasn’t about to pass up on shopping. Despite the rain worsening, we made it to Radio-Kaikan. We had a system to efficiently browse all ten floors, and it worked perfectly. I bought two big Sylvanian Families sets: the 5567 Red Roof Cozy Cottage Starter Home and the 5536 Baker Shop Starter Set. They were relatively cheaper than their regular retail prices. I still mourn the loss of my old Sylvanian Families collection, but I’m okay with starting over. Finally, we were home. I felt so sick, but I had to do a Zoom interview with some university groupmates, so I had no choice but to ignore all of my body's complaints. We hopped from train to train so often that I swear we could've been cast in Subway Surfers.

October 28, 2024

Has anyone tried turning it off and on again? I am highly demanded in this family. It’s to be expected when I’ve been such a smart aleck my whole life. I guess that’s just the price I have to pay to be recognized in this household. But seriously, I am still incredibly ill. The rainy season and my stubbornness to endure being under the rain are not helping. I usually wouldn't mind it, but how has there not been a second that’s passed where my name is not being called? Nothing is honestly that hard to figure out. Maybe my own body system needs to be turned off and on again. I’m running on too many tasks, and I’m leading myself to a system failure. Like any other trip, I was in charge of the navigation and our itinerary. As per request to prioritize my little brother, I took in all biased suggestions and did the most I could do. We went to Akihabara to start the day. They wanted to eat, and I wanted to buy an Anakin figure. To my demise, Anakin was no longer in stock. We did eat some traditional Japanese meals, so I was still well satisfied. Then I had to look for a marine park. I let my little brother choose from my Google Maps, and it was a shot in the dark because things could've gone south if he chose somewhere far, but he luckily chose the most convenient one to go to. We took the train to Shinagawa Station and walked to the Maxell Aqua Park. The weather was very ideal. We followed some signs leading to our destination, and upon arrival, I took notice of how cool everything looked. I mean, there were rides inside the aqua park. Everything was so creatively displayed, especially with the integration of cool projections and light tricks. I got to witness the dolphin show too. Since the show had its designated schedule, I did have to wait for a while. I’m still sick and had a very runny nose, so I was leaving my seat at random intervals during my wait time. Then the show started. The dolphins performed the craziest high-flying aerial jumps and spins, they carried out tricks like tail-walking, and even carried their trainers on their back while quickly swimming around the perimeters of the tank. At one point, I was convinced the dolphins started acting or singing. They were making airborne sounds through their blowhole. Dolphins are most definitely not the best creatures out there, but part of me felt bad since I am really opposed to animal captivity. I have yet to even move on from the domesticated pigeons everyone just collectively abandoned. Anyway, there were lots of other cool animals. It’s worth mentioning that I spent a longer amount of time in the exhibits that had chameleons in them because I was entertaining myself with a game of I Spy at one point. Leaving the place, I had to look for my parents since they had decided to separate from us to go out and eat. Once we were all finally together, we got ourselves food and had our feast. I ate an entire box of four-cheese pizza. Then we went back home to Ueno. I ran an errand at night to go get my little brother McDonald's. It was not easy given that I was walking by foot and the nearest McDonald's wasn't exactly that near. It was fun though since I got to walk through a bunch of cool districts.

October 27, 2024

I seek shelter in the bathroom of the house I’m currently staying at. I will always love bathrooms, but only when they’re pretty - strictly only when they’re pretty. I hate public bathrooms. I wish I could attach an image in this entry and just let this bathroom speak for itself. But I’ve honestly spent such an extended period of time in this bathroom. I’m starting my day pretty late. All I’ve done is eat breakfast and play with my little brother. I’m getting ready to go to the mall and fix up since I have a flight later in the evening.
Writing again. I got my nails done. I chose blue French tips, and take my word for it, they’re the absolute cutest.
Why am I always watching sad and sappy movies whenever I’m on the plane?

October 26, 2024

I love drawing with pen and ink.
I’ve always argued that this preference of mine stems from the permanence of ink and its inherent forgiving nature, as I know that anyone would find a piece with little to no mistakes impressive. And if you do make a mistake, it’s perfectly fine because there’s been an unspoken agreement that since you’ve been given a limit that others deliberately choose not to put themselves into, it’s fair and acceptable. But honestly, I love it for the reason that this “constraint,” as others might see it, is a substance that gives me the character I have now. I love how the ink forces me to precede actions with forethought. And that if I do commit mistakes, I’m given a choice to either acknowledge my mistake between the discrepancy of what’s ideal and what I’ve done, or I completely throw everything away and start anew. It’s a cool concept where I’m given the choice whether to incorporate my mistakes and be better, and know when to start over again.
I’ve been a lot more forgiving of myself recently. I take a second to process each event that I encounter, and I try my best to make my decisions accordingly. Obviously, I still cry about a lot of things, but I’ve been doing it in moderation, which really, really makes me proud. I wonder if others find me insensitive. I personally think I cope really well. I know that sharing emotions is a requirement to let others know that you understand how they feel, but as much as I do understand, some emotions (I don’t think) just aren’t meant to be acknowledged, let alone justified. I know I’m talking in gibberish right now, but I have a set of past encounters I’m relating to this.
I mostly spent this day thinking. I got up an hour after noon, showered, and watched some YouTube videos. My body is at peace. I slept early too.

October 25, 2024

My body is so sore from yesterday’s gym session. I feel very accomplished. I’m going back home. I had breakfast and planned out my outfits for an upcoming trip I’m having. My dad picked me up. I couldn’t wait to leave. I absolutely hate how loud the city is. I hate how I have no control over everyone’s perception of me. I hate how cynical I get in the city.

October 24, 2024

Gloomy day, foggy windows, early morning gym. I spent a little over 3 hours destroying my body. It felt really good. I’m packing up my things. I stayed up to do my part on my group’s business case analysis paper. Adrian has been my biggest source of calm these past few weeks. I feel like I’ve lost a lot. It feels nice to have someone who’s so willing to understand me. He’s been so gentle. I wish he knew how much I appreciate his existence.

October 23, 2024

My body is finally giving all my recent efforts its proper recognition. It’s compensating for all the sleep that I’ve lost in the process of executing all the efforts I’ve given. Adrian was nice enough to accompany me throughout the day. His presence, even if it’s just through the phone, brings me so much comfort, and he doesn’t even know it.

October 22, 2024

I don’t even know what day it is anymore. I don’t remember to take my meals. I’m so tired. I’m seeing numbers quite literally eveerywhere. I’ve been hallucinating the number 27 on the upper left side of my vision all day. I had to transcribe my written paper into a document because of my illegible handwriting. I had my accounting subject right after. I actually did well, but the anticipation leading up to that test absolutely killed me. I have one more test, and instead of using my vacant time to study, I lost my Apple Pencil. I was having such a bad day. I took my last test with a very disorganized mind. Seriously, there's a lot on my plate right now. I have no capital to my name, and I felt so guilty about everything. Vernon was kind enough to help me look for my lost item. He even shared an experience he had with losing stuff. We followed a bunch of arrow signs and were hysterically making jokes about side quests. He walked me home and tried his best to console me. I slept so much after I settled down back at my place.

October 21, 2024

First exam went well. I got a perfect score! I’ll let you in on a little secret: I helped out Juliet and gave her my paper so that she could double-check her answers. Not a single bone in my body has changed. I love helping people out. And for the record, I only help out a limited number of people whom I’ve checked out as self-sufficient enough to get a perfect score on any exams. My friend group went out for lunch. We also went to the study hall for a bit and then to the library after class hours. The rest of the day went normally. Nothing interesting.

October 20, 2024

My to-do list is filled. More midterm exams tomorrow. I’ve been daydreaming about the light at the end of the tunnel. I am honestly pretty confident with whatever’s in the index of my brain right now. I pulled an all-nighter nonetheless.

October 19, 2024

I’m finding myself stuck on the nth floor of my building. I haven’t gone out in so long. Today might be the day I stop this hermit lifestyle I’ve gotten myself into. A lot to study. Sometimes I wonder if I’m only worth what I can remember for an exam. It’s weird because I know I exceed the limits of my syllabus, and yet the results I’m seeing are still insufficient for my standards.

October 18, 2024

Gracie released her TSOU deluxe album. This information had completely slipped my mind, up until at least the first couple of hours of my day. I was late for my first class since I’d forgotten to set an alarm the night before. We had to write a letter for that class, and the teacher is very particular about sentence structure. It was horrible, and I was panicking. We had accounting following that, and even though I understood all the concepts perfectly, I was still very overwhelmed. I haven’t even studied for our upcoming quiz on organization and management. My boyfriend and I aren’t on the best terms either, and it’s been taking the biggest toll on me. My mind is not in my control. So, here’s the thing: I recognize that I am incredibly sad. However, is there any foreseeable route around this that I can possibly take? Nope. So, I need to stop making excuses, suck it up, and study while coexisting with the fact that I’m sad. I had a chat session with Ria, though, and that eased things up for me. We had the best conversation ever. I slept with a heavy heart and a mind even heavier.

October 17, 2024

Am I the product of my environment, or is my environment the product of me? Why do I feel meaner the longer I’m exposed to a particular environment? I did my daily readings and practice questions. University is hard. I think it’s partly because I’ve yet to adapt, but so far, there’s no class in which I’m struggling at intellectually. Trying to keep myself on the radar of the professors is a different story, though. Ria visited for a while and even got me a cup of coconut shake! I helped her with her makeup, and then she fell asleep for an hour or so. I continued studying.

October 16, 2024

My water consumption has been insane. All I did was study and go to the gym. I have yet to fully recover from my illness.

October 15, 2024

I’m surrounded by discarded tissue papers. I slept through my entire first class because my head just wasn’t cooperating with me. Though, I did gather the little sanity I had left for my next class. I can’t skip a single lesson in my accounting class. It’s non-negotiable. I studied a lot for that same class the entire day. For my Business Organization and Management class, we had this activity where we were tasked with ranking a bunch of items for survival if we were ever to find ourselves lost in the middle of the ocean. I didn’t get the best results. Apparently, I’d be dead. But I’d argue that’s all subjective. Personally, with my expertise in Raft (the survival-sandbox video game on Steam), I was so sure I’d survive. I did a bunch of my homework and somehow got through the day.

October 14, 2024

I feel sick. My immune system sucks. I was late for my first class because I accidentally slept in. I snoozed all the alarms I set, and I was entirely at fault. The class was already solving math problems when I got there. I managed to catch up very quickly. I’d actually already learned the lesson in advance, so thank God for that. I didn’t hesitate to go back to bed when the class finally ended. My to-do list has once again been filled up with assignments due within the week. I don’t have the mental or physical capacity for any of it, but I have no other choice. It was raining outside, so I had to eat. I did some assignments but couldn’t go on a call with Adrian because I was too sick.

October 13, 2024

I woke up today comforted by the fact that my boyfriend is coming over again. I honestly can’t comprehend how I’m choosing to try loving again, knowing everything could fall apart so easily. I think it's the small moments conspiring to make me feel seen, almost like being able to breathe again after holding my breath for so long. But I’m still scared. I don’t want to drown. To love the ocean can be so peaceful, but that doesn’t mean you have to drown in it. It’s interesting because one might not even notice they're drowning until it’s too late. When submerged underwater, you feel lighter than you ever will on land. And it’s so quiet. You forget the weight of other people’s noise. Despite all of this, I trust that the ocean wouldn’t betray me. Even if the tides and waves decide to pull away, they will always return. And when I learn to understand it, I can swim along with its flow instead of fighting it.
In all honesty, I’m finding it so hard to write this diary entry objectively because I don’t like sharing things that are a little too personal. Still, I’ll try my best to recount today’s events, with no promises of details. I forced him to watch Flipped with me. It’s such a classic, and I wanted to know if he’d pick sides. We didn’t finish the entire movie despite him being with me the whole day because of some detours in the plan. I really liked it when he let me sit in front of him and touch his face. He felt so real. His features were so perfect. I want to be able to come back home to him. Time passed by quickly. I swore we were together for no longer than an hour, but as the sun started to set, I realized it had been much longer. He had to leave soon, so we decided to grab something to eat. I got Starbucks, and he got Subway. It was a quick run.

October 12, 2024

I went back home. I’m continuing my unproductive days. It’s very alarming. But I feel like I need to get my mind off the stress for now. I had my orthodontist appointment. The aftermath was excruciatingly painful. I watched some of the new One Piece episodes. I’ve really been so unproductive. I feel alone. I’m having trouble conceptualizing a logical reason why anyone would stay with me. I don’t see permanence in anything. I don’t understand why this is one of my current concerns when I’ve never cared much for building connections. I feel like I’m losing everyone. I feel alone.

October 11, 2024

The week felt like a series of complicated knots, but I trust that a seamless finish will clean everything up into something simple. Today’s Friday, and I’m up early. I had bacon for breakfast. I attended a few online classes and then Ria came over so we could carry out our plans. We’re going to the mall! We booked a car ride and were both so thrilled. Our main purpose was to find some home decor for our places. We were so set on going to IKEA and everything, but we regrettably didn’t follow through with that plan and instead ended up straying far away from it. We genuinely did everything but that. We went to a restaurant and got buffalo wings and four-cheese pizza. It was like a cute little date. Gossips were exchanged, obviously. Then we walked around to shop. Ria has this rule: every time she visits the mall, she’s compelled to pick up three tangible items. I, on the other hand, was just going off instincts. I repurchased a makeup item I recently lost, bought refills for my pens, and picked up some clothing pieces I needed. I was on a hunt for a red tank top, too. Eventually, Ria found it for me, and it fit so perfectly that I couldn’t have been happier. I also found this dress that was so “Gracie.” I wanted it so badly, but I had no use for it. Honestly, I’d wear it to my wedding. It was that pretty. We went to the Disney store too. I found a Darth Vader statue and fell in love. We came across this kid who wore our old school’s uniform, and Ria went over to say hi. I stood there awkwardly, but it was impressive how she had such social capabilities. We stopped by Muji for some matcha and coffee before leaving the mall. We booked our ride home, and the drive was rough. The poor driving made me so dizzy. Ria ended up staying over, and after such a long day, I made sure to call Adrian

October 10, 2024

I have not written any contemplations of importance in this diary for some time now. My writing now strays far from its purpose, and instead, all I put here are just logs of what I’ve done for the day. Tragic, but I’ve been a lot busier because of university. I’ve just completed all my assignments. There are some other pending ones, but so far, they’re still unlisted, so I am choosing to rest for now. The start of my day was very dreadful - boring professors and online classes. I took a quiz before I could even fully open my eyes. I finished that quickly and went back to bed. I showered, ate my breakfast, and then slept while still on call with Adrian. I was resting a lot. It’s late in the afternoon, and the sun is reflecting the prettiest colors around the walls of my place. I went to the gym again. I love the gym. I did 45 minutes of cardio. It was all the usual. I met with Ria down at the lobby right after because she’s been suggesting we have a ramen night. We went to the Korean store and grabbed cups of our liking. The dude who most likely owned the shop was so nice. They even gave us chopsticks. We got an upgraded version of the flavored milks we used to always have back in our old school. Ria struggled with the spice. We watched some YouTube videos while enjoying our feast. I had cookies to go with my meal too. It was cool.

October 09, 2024

I am having a staring contest with the monitor. It displayed my blank document. I had no thoughts, but I was determined to finish the paper I had due tomorrow. I spent hours doing my research (and probably spacing out too), but I eventually succeeded. The skies and the moon had completed their cycle by the time I was finally satisfied with my work.
Ria was over for brunch and ordered food for both of us. It was nice. She left and came back with me not having moved from my spot. When all of that was over, we went out for some Japanese cuisine. It was the best ever. I was so jealous of her order, though. I wish I’d paid more attention to the menu and less to my essay. I was proofreading it while ordering my food.

October 08, 2024

I’ve noticed the girl who lives a few doors away from my place. I’ve concluded that we must have the exact same schedule. It’s cool that I always catch her just as she’s leaving or coming back from university. My regular class hours were replaced with a one-time recollection event. I woke up very early and walked farther than I should have. The people facilitating the event were pretty nice, and I even managed to make some new friends. My first new friend was this girl who showed me the way to the event. We were at a lecture hall where they made us participate in a bunch of games. They gave us free food, all of which tasted great. I signed up for an org with my friends when we were allowed to use our phones (they had been temporarily confiscated). The mass was the fastest ever. The priest literally said, verbatim, that he was going to give us a one-minute homily. He spoke in a foreign language, which I assume was Latin, the whole time. We also had a guided meditation activity. Everybody fell asleep except for like two people. I didn’t even know I was asleep until the person guiding us turned on the lights and asked questions—questions that I, ironically, questioned the origins of. Time just passed, and all was silent. I was groupmates with a pretty girl. We all laughed at the answers I wrote in the booklet they gave us because I’d written down the dumbest things. All was cool. Before going home, I went on a date with Juliet. She’s cool. We ate at the same building where the recollection was held. She had pasta, and I got a bowl of cereal. I couldn’t stomach eating any more pasta-related dishes after my recent bad experience with it. We talked, and it wasn’t awkward at all. I went to the gym right after. I love the gym. Had my call with Adrian again before going to sleep.

October 07, 2024

I got back some test papers from last week. They weren’t bad, but they definitely didn’t meet the expectations I’d set for myself. I went pretty hard during my gym session after school today too. My pump was crazy. Anyway, I feel like I owe this blog a rundown of the new friend group I’ve made during my time here in university. So, Juliet is kind of the most outgoing one in the group. She could actually be our torchbearer, if I’m being honest. She’s smart but not in an obnoxious way. We became friends during the freshman association day or something. She pieced together that I liked anime and approached me. Juliet is a playable character. Almost all my interactions with other people have been because of her. She’s got a lot of cool quirks too. Vernon is a friend of my boyfriend who came from the same school and class I was in previously. We never really talked back then, but now I share an affinity for friendship with him. Jasmine came from that same old class too. We’ve been friends for a while, but it was only ever casual. It’s cool now. Maddie is another new face. It’s cool because she shares the same brainrot humor with me, and she’s literally the realest person ever.

October 06, 2024

So much to do and so little time. Incredibly overwhelmed. Nothing new.

October 05, 2024

I am coming to terms with the fact that, in this phase of my life, it is more likely than not that the majority of the people I interact with will misunderstand me. It’s nothing bad or personal. I simply could not care less about explaining my background story or providing more context about what influences my behavior. I think it’s cool that I no longer feel compelled to prove myself to anyone.

October 04, 2024

Feeling a little better. My self-discipline faltered, and I found myself reverting to old, unproductive habits. I attended online classes, slept, spent time on my phone, and completed one assignment. Later, I fell asleep on a call with Adrian. He stayed up studying for his midterms as I slept soundly.

October 03, 2024

Online classes. Barely surviving. My head is spinning. Still sick and incredibly weak.

October 02, 2024

My boyfriend is the sweetest. I didn’t partake in many activities today because my brain was too out of it. The slightest movement can spawn a dozen stars over my head. I’m still suffering. I had a deadline to meet, which I quickly worked through. Adrian, despite having midterms, was kind enough to keep me company while I was struggling. He’s been so good to me.

October 01, 2024

Unconvinced about having slept even a wink, I got ready while on a call with Adrian. I left my umbrella behind because my bag was heavy. When I went downstairs, I found out it was raining. Inconvenience has won yet another point against me. I had to go back up to grab my umbrella before finally heading to my first class. As far as I know, I was supposed to present for my business communication class, but time ran out before I could have my turn. After that, I took my accounting quiz. I think I did well, though I was already certain I made at least one mistake. Hopefully, it doesn’t get any worse than that. I’m scared. I did my best, but slight lapses in sight or comprehension of the given questions might lead me astray. Afterward, I went back home to sleep. Before that, I grabbed something to eat, which turned out to be the start of my demise. Not long after, I got food poisoned. While on a call with Adrian, I started feeling nauseous. It did not get any better from that moment on.