Cypherine

July 31, 2024

My desperation for food got the best of me last night. As I was brought back to my senses, waking up from a semi-horrible slumber, I was faced with a bad case of tummy ache. My digestive system was definitely fighting for its life during my sleep. I took my morning shower and decided to skip breakfast. The sight of food was something I did not look forward to. There was also this slight problem in my room that I had to deal with. It concerned the post-its stuck on my wall and the mixture of water staining their residency up there. I had to get a rag and some alcohol spray to clean that up. Once that was over, I just followed my routine. I started a new anime! I’m still working on the same friendship bracelets I was working on yesterday. I multitasked that with watching Yona of the Dawn. I packed my things just before going to bed. I worked out, called Adrian, all the same.

July 30, 2024

I try my best to abstain from bad habits. While waiting for the felt I ordered the other day, I decided I could waste my unoccupied time with another old hobby I’ve acquired in the past: making alpha friendship bracelets. It’s a pretty nice skillset. It’s tedious, but the process itself is enjoyable. My knowledge of it has undergone a reboot from the very distant time I attempted doing one of these. I had some rust in the wiring of this skill. Luckily enough, it took me just a couple of videos to relearn what I had forgotten. I ate very heavily with all my meals today. I had some donuts and a cookie too on top of all that. I’m still very consistent with my daily workouts, so I guess that makes up for it. Not that any of that even matters since I’ve been trying to gain weight but have been unable to for the longest time. Adrian called during the afternoon. I used that time to multitask on building my house in our Minecraft world. I started a new anime too. I needed something to occupy my time while I was making the friendship bracelets.

July 29, 2024

I am definitely going through yet another hibernation phase. I spent more hours unconscious than conscious today, but it just made so much sense. I’d be a lot more concerned if I were to skip naps this summer - probably the last time I’ll have the chance to get some proper rest anyway. It’s Adrian’s first day at his college. We didn’t talk much. We called at the end of the day, right when he was about to sleep, since he insisted on it. I’m surprisingly not stressing about it too much. Hypothetically, I’ve already figured that we’d still be alright and adapt accordingly while remaining the same, even with the distance and the inevitability of upcoming workloads. I functioned on autopilot pretty much the whole day. I did finally order the felt things I’ve been wanting for this new hobby I want to start, and I am so thrilled. Also, I got like a hundred new followers on Instagram since the new university I’m going to asked for everyone’s handle, and I obviously gave mine out. I need to start my networking early if I honestly want to survive.

July 28, 2024

I want to stay with him for as long as he’d let me. Him, being my boyfriend. Harvard’s Grant Study, which is also the longest-running study on human happiness, has consistently found that relationships are strongly correlated with well-being. Over nearly a decade, researchers observed the lives of 268 Harvard students across generations and concluded that the key driver of happiness is the development of meaningful relationships. With this in mind, I could claim to be the happiest at this very moment, but a snapshot or glimpse of any other moment could be misleading. It’s difficult to determine if one has lived a truly happy life based on fleeting instances alone. I might start off well-adjusted, then mess everything up and end up dying lonely and sad. But, I mean, over the long haul, I genuinely think I've found the company worth investing in. The analyzed data basically tells us that “the only thing that really matters in life is your relationships with other people.” While I might argue otherwise, statistics often don’t lie. As it indicates, relationships are the strongest predictor of a happy life. I want to live happily. Knowing my boyfriend is honestly a curse. Now I’m haunted by the fact that if we don’t keep up whatever it is that keeps us going, I might end up as the sadder part of the statistics.
I had a lot of time this morning. I woke up earlier than usual. It was weird, but I figured it must’ve been the nerves. Not that it was anything uncomfortable, I was probably just excited, like a little kid who sleeps beside her outfit the day before a field trip. I had time to work out, so I did. I had to since I knew I’d be too tired when I got home. It was raining fairly hard. I got to where he asked me to meet, and he looked really good. As he always does. I’m only stating observations. We sat down momentarily to figure out what to do, but everything eventually fell into place. It felt so natural being with him, almost like the comfort I feel whenever I’m with Sirko. We looked around for felt. He remembered how I told him I was looking for some yesterday. It was still very unsuccessful. During this hunt for felt, he complained about how I never initiate a kiss. So I gave him one. I was barely recollecting this, but I had to write it down because he told me afterward that it was one of his favorite kisses he’s ever received from me. For documentation purposes, that did happen. He’s like the sweetest guy ever. We went around everywhere. We ended up in some toy section at one point again. I swear I might just be stunted in maturity. We went to a cafe. I had Biscoff. Again. I haven’t in a while. Then we went to the bookstore. We ate at KFC before separating. We had lots of conversations. I’ll keep them safely in my memories. It sucks that our time together is always so limited. He was with me for a bit on my car ride back. He sadly had to go at his stop. I wish I could’ve just locked the doors and, in the most legal way, made him stay. I got back home and took a shower just to go straight on a call with Adrian again. It’s practically impossible to get sick of him. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever get enough even in a gazillion more lifetimes.

July 27, 2024

I’m running some errands with my brother. I equipped myself with my usual drink, a coconut shake, while going about our list of things to do. We ate too. My brother ate three times as much as I did. He claims to have evolved his stomach or something. He blames life in university. We visited the bookstore first, where we preordered The Book of Bill. It just came out! I got myself a new journal too, so that was really awesome. We searched all over for some felt paper, and finally, my brother got a haircut. One of my old friends came across me at the mall and called out to say hi. It was a cute interaction. We went home, and I caught my breath before grabbing the keys to drive out again. I went to our other house with my mom to retrieve some of the old sewing materials. After returning, I showered, and then played Until Then with Adrian again. We ended our call for a bit to do our routines. I ate, worked out, then simply went back to our call. We continued playing Minecraft! My builds are the cutest thing ever.

July 26, 2024

My vanity concerns me a lot. When the first thing I see in the mirror is something undesirable, I let it take over me completely. I look terrible, therefore I will feel terrible. And that will last for as long as I see the same image looking back at me. The skies are continuing to pour. I’m glad that I could stay at home. I spent the first half of my day trying to reteach my baby brother the math lessons I had just taught him. As it appears, his memory retention might not be the best. He was pretty frustrated with himself. I’ll try my best to shape him up before his school starts. I stayed inside my room for a while, writing in my journal after that. I fixed my room too. I compiled some old letters I found in my special drawer and put them in my memory box along with my "Dear Future Me" letters. I opened a new book that has been sitting on my shelves for quite some time. It was The Life of a Stupid Man by Ryunosuke Akutagawa, part of the Penguin Little Black Classics. I read that for a bit. I ate dinner, worked out, then tricked my baby brother into learning a new math lesson. My body was so heavy during the workout. I can’t figure out what exactly was making me feel like I had so much weight on me. But anyway, I called with Adrian, and we played Until Then for a bit. Then we started a Minecraft world. We kind of just messed around since the seed we spawned at was atrocious, and we both ended up toggling "Enable Cheats" and going into Creative. That was after all our hard work trying to tame this one fox went to waste.

July 25, 2024

I did an IQ test. My brother made me take it. It was easy. If you asked me to take another one right now, which I just did, I’d get a perfect score. I mog everyone’s IQ score. Excuse my brain rot language, but I speak the truth. Also, I know I’m going to look back at this entry and cringe, but my frontal lobe has yet to develop, and I really can’t help but adapt with the vocabulary of the present. I am still a teenager, after all. I went out with my family today. It’s still raining. We watched Despicable Me 4. It was good. I’m glad cinemas haven’t died out yet. With all the new streaming platforms available in the comfort of everyone’s home, you’d think people would just choose to stay in. I mean, I refuse to believe that it’s only a matter of time before that business gets entirely replaced. It’s like the whole thing with DVDs all over again. Anyway, movies produced by Illumination Entertainment are more often than not received pretty poorly by critics. Their usual goal is to appeal to the masses and be over-commercialized. It works pretty well financially, so I can’t really argue with something that works. But it does lead to some state of mediocrity. They’re good at the cash grab and maximizing profit, and it makes sense since they wouldn’t be able to produce anymore if they took the losing bet of making quality movies no kid would even care for. Anyway, we got fries and popcorn before the movie started. I bought some buffalo wings for takeout to eat at home too. I played the guitar for a bit, showered, worked out, then called Adrian.

July 24, 2024

The loud rain is muting all everyday noises. I like it. It’s comforting. I do acknowledge the privilege I have, knowing I find convenience in what others would consider a catastrophic disaster. But I can’t help it. I can’t light myself on fire to keep others warm, not when they’re miles away and could honestly not care less if I lived or died myself. I look forward to the smell of wet pavements. I really, really like the rain. I’m working on more verses for this short rapper phase I’m having. How am I actually good at everything I do? I was just playing too. I swear I have the genes of a god. I have the inherent talent for everything. And if you’ve been reading my diary for long enough, you’d know that. I played Until Then with Adrian for a chunk of today. We’re one chapter away from the first ending. I did a very light workout, played with my baby brother, continued with my night routine, and just lived as I do every day.

July 23, 2024

Summer is a time to catch up on some sleep. At least that was my original plan. My slumber has been getting disturbed by plans I never even made. Sleeping in is something I wish I could do. It’s raining - like a full-on thunderstorm. I had to go to my orthodontist appointment first thing in the morning. I was supposed to drive myself there, but I was running late and couldn’t find my driver’s license. Today’s braces adjustment was as painful as the last. Tragic. My mom did a couple of errands before driving us back home, and we spent some time in the car eating drive-thru food because we genuinely couldn’t get out. We tried waiting for the rain to calm down for a bit. When I got home, I took a nice hot shower, painted my nails (possibly my coolest set yet), showered once more, then actually worked on my diss track. I finished the whole thing very quickly. It’s actually up on BandLab. It’s called Opps Ong. I swear it’s not anything serious and it’s a total shitshow. Still funny nonetheless. While I was doing all that, my boyfriend played with my baby brother. They’re like actual best friends now. Then, of course, we just did all the usual - talked for hours - before calling it a day.

July 22, 2024

I’ve eaten an entire week’s worth of carbs in one single meal. Today’s breakfast had me full. Taking this into account, one would assume that I’d have more than enough energy to function for the whole day. I was mistaken. I had the worst battles with my fatigue. My old best friend swiped up on a story of my boyfriend I posted on my Instagram. Good to know we’re still cool. I read for the majority of today. My mom made me an avocado shake. It was great. I played Until Then for a while with Adrian too. We took a break from our call and did our routines. I showered, worked out, read some more until I finished the whole book, continued reading a different book, then went on call with Adrian again. Before that, though, I may have succumbed to the rapper flow. By that I mean that I was on BandLab cooking something again. I gave my friend a suggestion that we should make diss tracks as a little joke. I started ahead and the bars were just flowing out of my ink onto my notebook. I did a single verse before calling it a night with Adrian.

July 21, 2024

I am in a constant debate with myself. My mind wants to achieve a lot, but my body often refuses it. Most often, if not all days, I feel the need to fix myself. As if I’ve never lived a day without being broken. Like there was always something to repair. Now in theory, that should be a good thing since it’s really a chance to improve myself in many aspects. But it gets tiring. To make it clear, I am not throwing a pity party. I just get this sense of discontentment sometimes. It usually goes away, then comes back again after a few. But my ungratefulness is hard to ignore. I am so hypercritical of my emotions. I feel for every insignificant detail. I pick on myself. I don’t get it. I had a muffin for breakfast and felt this nauseating feeling. I might be sick. I ignored it. I sat down with my baby brother and helped him with math. He was quick to catch on. I taught him how to add numbers faster. He was very proud of himself once he got the hang of it. I was proud of myself too. My baby brother is well known for his stubbornness when it comes to studying. After a rapid round of more math questions, I watched Toy Story 2 with him. But then I started feeling sick again. I went to my room, wrote a bunch of pages in my journal, and calmed myself down. There was this one singular torn piece of loose paper in the insert of my journal, which I taped back in its place. That action somehow made me a tiny bit happier. I don’t quite understand why it did, but I do know it reminded me of my childhood. I wrote more diary entries, then watched a couple more YouTube videos. I worked out, showered, called Adrian, and even played another game of chess with him. He’s really good at what he does. I’ve met a handful of people who claim chess as their personality, none of whom ever impressed me. But Adrian did. His Elo honestly speaks for itself too.

July 20, 2024

Started my morning late, an hour past noon. I took a shower, ate breakfast, then played Until Then with Adrian. It was a game my brother recommended, and he claimed that it was a highly accredited game. I have so much appreciation for well-made games as someone who develops them too. I make all my games from scratch and am literally my own team. Whenever I see a good game, I just stare in awe. This game had such a well-written storyline, good graphics, animations, the details in everything were insane, and everything was just so smooth. But yeah, it was good. I streamed it for Adrian for the whole afternoon. We had a little break and both slept for a pretty long time. At least I did. I slept for five whole hours. It was supposedly a nap, but I found myself paralyzed each time I opened my eyes. After a while, I got up, showered, then worked out. Like any other day, I went on my daily video call with Adrian.

July 19, 2024

I got my driver’s license!
I rolled out of bed against my will. I don’t think I got a single hour of sleep, and my body might actually be deteriorating. But it’s fine. I showered and took about 3 spoonfuls of breakfast before heading out. The rest of the day was mostly spent waiting. To occupy my time, I started a new book. I read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Self-Reliance and Other Essays. I took a bunch of notes. The process of acquiring my driver’s license, along with my brother’s, was actually sped up, but we still spent a pretty long time waiting for our numbers to be called. We got home pretty late. I was so exhausted. I took the longest shower ever. To tell you a little detail about me, I actually wash my phone each time I go out. I use literal soap and water to do so, with caution and care. But it’s the germaphobic side of me from when I was a kid that never left. Then I ate dinner, worked out, and rested for a short while. The next thing I knew, I’d already been playing Valorant with Brie for about 2 hours. My aim was a lot better, but getting my game sense back is something I’m still working on. My baby brother came into my room, and when I told him I was busy, he asked if he could play with Adrian instead. So I gave my boyfriend a call, and they just talked, I guess. After I got off the call with Brie, I went back to Adrian and spent the rest of the night talking. We played a couple of chess games and made fun of this hardstuck guy. I mean, Adrian could definitely say anything. He’s at fourteen hundred Elo, which is really impressive, considering he’s only recently gotten back into playing chess. It’s only a matter of time until he climbs the ranks back up. We fell asleep around 5 AM again, like we did yesterday. We are both incredibly sleep-deprived.

July 18, 2024

I can’t put my pen down. I try to consume as much of everything as I can. I want to be able to write down every passing thought and observation. If I were to give up literacy, I’d let all reading mock me. If I really were as relatively decent a writer as I claim, I wouldn’t have even one entry completely blank. I still have one last entry that I haven’t touched for a few weeks now. I’m scared of my articulation failing me. I’m trying to give myself a bit of a pep talk to finish that one up right after I finish today’s. But that aside, let me catch you up to my current day. I woke up still having the same soreness on the right-hand side of my shoulder from last night. Nevertheless, I still slept well. I haven’t felt rested for a while now. I had my breakfast while discussing a couple of gibberish conversations with my baby brother. I told him about the amount of toys that I used to have, which could really only fit in a box. I told him about the importance of caring for your toys and not disposing of them after one use. See, my baby brother grew up spoiled. While I literally only had a boxful, my baby brother’s toys would require exponentially more boxes. So I made him watch Toy Story. He actually really enjoyed it. I gave Adrian a call midway through the movie too. Now my baby brother is convinced his toys move whenever he’s not looking. After the movie, I ate lunch and got ready for bed early. I did my diary entries, read, worked out, then called Adrian. We played Speed Draw on Roblox, and I looked like I was cheating. I couldn’t play with kids anymore. It was unfair.

July 17, 2024

I played more Valorant with Brie all morning since I had gotten up. I made sure to fuel up right before it. I had some good and bad games, but the last one was enough to put myself in time out. My performance was so incredibly poor.
I cleaned my room, sweeping up every speck of dust from every corner. I changed my bedsheets, pillowcases, and everything else that keeps me warm at night, then rearranged my stuffed toys. I'm pulling out a new set of toys from the bin for rotation and putting them above my bed frame. I cleaned my desk area, picked out new pens to put in my clear pen holder since I plan on writing a lot more, and organized everything to where I see fit. I dyed my hair blue too! I can never let the manic pixie dream girl in me die. I did mess up a bit since I went in blind with dyeing my hair and trusted my past experiences. I didn’t read any instruction manuals, mixed everything in my hands with no bowls, eyeballed everything, and just hoped for the best. I wrote my diary entries, worked out, and then called Adrian.

July 16, 2024

I am deficient in everything food. I have not eaten since yesterday. I have been unconsciously skipping all my meals. Just to clarify, I am far from unwell. My mind has simply been preoccupied with other concerns about my time and how I’ve been distributing it. The amount of time I spend thinking about how to properly plan my day to align with scheduled tasks is overwhelming. I had a call with Adrian in the afternoon. He played a game of Episode with me on my iPad. He was much more stressed out than I was. I had to run errands and cut our video call short, telling him we’d continue it later. I went to the grocery store with my baby brother. He had his own cart and was picking out snacks of all kinds. I grabbed ingredients for a dish I had been craving and might cook sometime soon. After that, it occurred to me that I was in fact hungry, and got ramen for dinner. I also bought a new book! When I got home, I played some songs on the piano and then picked up my guitar. Suddenly, I was crying and needed an ice pack. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, I’ll always be troubled. Like severely messed up in the head. The moon was casting a shadow that made me look desperate, as if I badly needed a conversation with the stars that have never once aligned for me. The guilt threatened to choke. It was a good pre-workout. I got back on track and did my full workout routine. I doubled the amount of my usual reps. I called Adrian, we continued our game from where we left off, and chatted a bit more.

July 15, 2024

Fit to write nothing. Later, much later; I pushed everything aside. Some time this week, or maybe the following after. I had much time on the palm of my hands today, that which I had decided not to use. I FaceTimed Sirko for the entirety of the former part of my day. We have yet to have our usual long conversations for quite a while now. It’s been months. She did her nails while I filled her in with whatever new anecdotes I had. She did the same while I sat and listened. We were making the funniest comments ever and started a whole new inside joke (with her sister included) about things being casual. Because nothing really ever is casual. After the call ended, I decided to just rest for the day. I skipped my meals and even my workout. I was really set on not doing anything for the day. I did read a couple of pages of my new book. I love it so much. The night went on as it does routinely, ending everything with Adrian on the phone.

July 14, 2024

It was a clear but busy day. We met up with my dad’s side of the family and went to a buffet restaurant. I found a seat in the far corner with my cousins of a similar age. I grabbed a plate of high-protein food and chatted with them. It’s been a while. I’m naturally a cynic and tend to keep my guard up, but I still enjoyed the time. I’m not a kid anymore, and that’s a tough realization. It was sad greeting my closest cousin with just a fist bump, acknowledging how much time has passed and how we’ve all grown apart. Afterward, we took my baby brother to a candy museum, which was fun. I was with my older brother too. They handed out free food in each section, but I wished they had provided water as well. Everything was so sweet. My baby brother interacted with everything he could. We spent the most time in the bounce house area, played racing games, and reminisced about an old playhouse we used to visit weekly. We brought our baby brother there and had to wait in line while our mom bought tickets and socks. I had many complaints: the new rules allowed too many adults with each child, which crowded the area, and they removed some of the parts that made the playhouse fun. It was no longer enjoyable. Although fun for a child, it wasn't the same. I suppose I have to accept that. My older brother and I split the time chasing our baby brother. I was exhausted, sweating profusely, and wanted to mention without context that children are insatiable. When I got home, I took the longest shower I could. I was drained but still managed to work out, as I couldn't skip that. And of course, I called Adrian before finally settling in for the night.

July 13, 2024

I tossed and turned the whole night through. I was under the assumption that I’d be able to fall asleep instantly as soon as I got off my game. My predictions were wrong. The uncomfortable feeling of fatigue will haunt me , and I should suffer the consequences of my own actions. It all makes sense. My brother abruptly opened my door, telling me to get ready. I made no protests. I showered, ate a very heavy breakfast, and got in the car. We just had to comply with some documents and such for the encoding of our driver’s license. My brother and I should be able to claim it about a week from now. I can’t wait. I also can’t wait to go to sleep. I tried catching some sleep in the car, but it only made my head hurt even more. When I got home, I filmed a little joke for our group chat, sent it to them, then took a shower. It felt nice. Instead of sleeping, I decided to continue my redeveloping Valorant addiction. I texted Brie, and we started playing. I miss our duo a lot. After that, I took a break from the game and ate carbonara. I read a few pages of my book too. I let my baby brother play in my room, did a very light workout, showered, and then called Adrian.

July 12, 2024

I left my bed unmade. I got up to take my morning shower and then make myself breakfast. There really never is such a thing as a boring day. Not when you’re a conscious being. My most interesting pages were written on the emptiest days. I worry about perception most days. When I find it hard to share certain aspects of my life, I write in vague terms and riddles. I plan on finishing up some of the things I’ve been writing. I am incredibly grateful to have this day all to myself. If I had one more day spent outside, I’d lose it. I’ve been desperately needing a whole factory reset on all aspects of me.
I have my hair pushed back with clips I use whenever I’m getting ready. I feel clean. I am functioning in my ideal state. So I wrote and looked for a new book. I had quite specific plots in mind that I made sure to find. A few recommendations from YouTube videos later, I found my book. I settled on The Divine Rivals by… It was actually pretty good. I got to read a decent amount of it before doing all the other things I do in a day. As I consistently do, I ate dinner, worked out, showered, and, to add something different, I invited Brie for a round of Valorant. That act was probably the start of a few tweaks in my routine. I played Valorant with her, encountering a few personalities. I lost my aim and slowly regained it, but I was doing a lot better considering everyone else was actually just horrible at the game. I thought I would’ve lost my touch with the game. It’s been a few years—probably about three since I’ve last played seriously. We played until Adrian got home, and I accompanied him for a while. He was drunk. He was a talkative drunk. I really liked it since he’s never really been the type to talk much. He had the truth serum on and just kept talking. It was cute. I made him go to sleep and then continued playing Valorant with Brie.

July 11, 2024

I look at nothing. I am waiting as if the wall could fix things for me, as if it were sentient and capable of making decisions. But I am on my own. Everything could be so simple, but I always find ways to complicate it. I pretend a lot. I disappear when I’m wanted. I’m never there when I’m needed. I have little to no shots at ever understanding myself. The air was tense. It was suffocating. I had my orthodontist appointment early in the morning. It gave me some time to avoid my current qualms and distract me from the truth of the matter. I got home, and while taking yet another shower, I heard a notification. The notification muted the Weezer song I was playing in full volume for a quick second. I saw Adrian’s name, and instead of my heart dropping, I felt relieved. He sent me a block of text apologizing. He hadn’t even done anything wrong. We both agreed that we were immature and let jealousy take over our conversation, and we easily patched things up. His message was so cute. He told me he couldn’t stand the fact that another guy had ever made me smile, and it hurt him a little. We texted for a bit until we eventually went on a video call. He watched me read for the entire day. I was on my last few chapters of Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Express. I still had my detective board, and I was slowly chipping away at creating my theories. My red string didn’t have the most cohesive links, but it actually made so much sense in the end. I went off the call with Adrian for a bit. We did our routines. I had to eat, work out, and shower. He did the same. Getting back, I saved the last chapter and solved the book together with Adrian. I explained to him everything I knew and all that I had deducted. My first theory was that they were all in on it. It was such a wild guess, but it made so much sense in my head. Or well, I wasn’t exactly guessing. I had the whole narrative down. My second theory, which is the one I led with, was that the mystery-wagon lit uniform dude was all made up because they came from two testimonies that could have just been lies. So that put my suspicions on Hildegard, the maid, and the fake detective Masterman. My third theory was that the Italian dude and the alert were covering for each other because their physiques and alibis worked against them. I had the same theory for the princess, Miss Debenham, and the maid. I had many more theories that connected the suspects. I was leading with the idea that it was highly probable they were simply vouching for each other. Adrian can confirm that I've had all these initial guesses for a while. I locked in with my second theory because I was so sure that the man in the wagon-lit uniform did not exist. I read the last chapter aloud for Adrian to hear. He was rooting for my first theory. He ended up being right. Everything just made sense. My detective board not having a single suspect where all red strings linked up made sense. In my past attempts at solving Agatha’s murder mysteries, I’d usually have a prime suspect. This one was messy. Adrian reassured me that I still technically solved it since I wrote in my notebook that my number one theory was that they were ‘All in on it’ verbatim. He said that I just went into detail on everyone’s possible associations, and that alone was impressive. I know he’s my boyfriend and all, but I still find it so crazy that he shows this much interest in everything I talk about. We had our usual debriefing of our days before going to sleep.

July 10, 2024

I’ve been so busy recently that a full day at home, completely untroubled, feels like a distant memory of the ages. Not being able to take a proper rest day for weeks is almost comparable to having wet socks - it’s incredibly uncomfortable, but I’ll just have to wait it through. I woke up early since I had to go to my university and submit a bunch of requirements. I showered and fixed myself up since I needed to get my school ID taken, too. I had my breakfast very quickly and then headed off. The process was simple enough. My mom accompanied me inside the campus. She sat on a bench while I waited in a bunch of lines and tried my best not to profile anyone, as that would be rude. The majority of my time was spent seated, waiting for my number to be called. I was texting with Adrian to pass the time. It honestly wasn’t that bad. I found out that school for me starts literally two months from now, so that was good to hear. I got my ID picture taken, lined up for a few more things, and then went home. I was unfortunately too tired for anything else and did all my routine tasks very slowly. I played with my baby brother, ate dinner, worked out, and did exactly what I do every single day. I went on a call with Adrian while babysitting my baby brother. I sent my baby brother off to bed when it hit his bedtime. Adrian and I talked for the rest of the night. He was telling me lores all the while provoking me the whole day. It was funny until I don’t even know what got to me, but we ended up going to bed on bad terms. I still love him, though. I think I was just tired. I really don’t know what was going on inside my head at that time. Maybe it was jealousy talking. I don’t even know anymore. I really don’t.

July 09, 2024

I wish I were some kind of raconteur. I talk but not as expressively as I’d ever dream of being. See, I fear perception. I don’t want to be perceived because it leads to worrying about being misunderstood. So, I must have subconsciously figured that I shouldn’t share too much, especially not in my preferred manner of speaking. I’d only make myself a subject for picking, so I stopped sharing altogether. That was until I met Adrian. He seems to show all the interest in the world in absolutely anything I talk about. It’s hard to believe sometimes. I’ve given him updates about all the books I’ve been reading recently, and he remembers all of them almost without fail. I got out of bed, showered, and then had my breakfast while continuing to read the Penguin Little Black Classic's The Anecdotes of the Cynic. I loved everything about it. I finished it at the same time I finished my bowl of cereal. I made sure to tell Adrian all about it the moment I finished. It was a really good book that delivered just as it had promised on the back cover. Anyway, I decided that I still wasn’t full and cooked myself a second breakfast. I had some nuggets. After that, I got ready for my last practical driving lesson. Today’s instructor wasn’t the best. He was sort of stiff and, although nice, I felt like he had some kind of superiority complex. That’s the best way I can describe it. He kept hitting the brakes, which made sense, but I swear I had everything under control. It was also raining for the first half of the lesson. The water droplets were in the way, and the wiper was only making visibility worse. I somehow still managed to drive, though. I was very exhausted when I got home. I helped my baby brother with some levels on his Plants vs Zombies game and had dinner. Our mom cooked it, and it was really good. I took my shower as I always do, signed and filled out a bunch of documents I need for my university requirements submission tomorrow, and then worked out. For the rest of the evening, I called Adrian. We played a few games: Pokémon Showdown, Othello, Battleships, Checkers, and of course, Roblox

July 08, 2024

I have one last requirement to collect from my old high school before I can finally confirm my enrollment at the university I will be attending. It was a bittersweet feeling. I knew it was going to be the last time I’d be setting foot in the school where I had spent over a quarter of my life. I don’t wish to hold on to anything but a few select memories. I don’t regret anything if it means becoming the person I am now. When I got home, I had lunch, then played with my baby brother. I did my makeup just for the fun of it, then took a shower. I stayed in my room after that. And then I was frozen. It was a tough scene. I was dead cold, just going through my phone as if I had nothing better to do. It was a conscious act. My will to get out of such depressing state was too insufficient. It was like that for a while. I tried snapping out of it by writing in my journal. That worked well enough. I did my entries and gathered some words and phrases I could add to my vocabulary. I ate dinner, worked out, then called Adrian. We talked about a book I had been reading just before I started my call with him. It was the Penguin Little Black Classic's The Anecdotes of the Cynic. It was great to see some of Diogenes’ stories in the book. I had to share them with Adrian. We had already talked about Diogenes in a different context in one of our past conversations, so it was cool. He told me some stories he knew about him too. Then I introduced Adrian to my favorite board game of all time! We played Othello together. I had my win guaranteed before we even started playing. I remain undefeated.

July 07, 2024

My eyes were puffy. The prime suspect for this was the very interrupted sleep I had. The situation was worsened by my having gone on my phone before attempting to sleep through the night. I was restless. Sleeping in another house was proving to be quite a challenge. Both of my friends got up, and I was stalling time so I could lie down for a bit longer. I was no longer used to waking up so early. But I had to suck it up and actually start functioning. I brushed my teeth and ordered breakfast for everyone. Sine washed the remaining dishes, I cleaned up the house, and then Louise took out the trash. It was a good system. Louise was the first to leave. Sine was going to get dropped off on the way to my other house since I was going to pass by her house anyway. We waited for a little over an hour. To fill that time, she introduced me to this new K-drama. I watched about 4 episodes today. Anyway, my parents picked us up and dropped Sine off. When I got home, I ate another full meal and then took a pretty long shower. I texted with Sirko too! After that, I slept for a while. I was tired. My mom texted me asking if I could drive her. I did. We went by a couple of places and ran a bunch of errands. I successfully completed my first overtaking maneuver. I also probably aggravated some other drivers due to how slow I was going at certain times. I had to switch with my mom when it got dark and we had to switch to the main roads because the lights were blinding. I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t have my glasses with me, and I unfortunately suffer from astigmatism, so it worsened the effect of the lights. We got some drive-thrus, went home, ate with my siblings, read with my baby brother, and then showered again. I wrote in my journal, fixed some things, and then worked out before calling Adrian.

July 06, 2024

You could try reaching out to me via a smoke signal. I think it’s great that I have friends. I do not have any enemies (that I know of), and I am pretty much at peace with just about everything. I am politely completing the overdue hangouts with a couple of friends I may or may not have cut off from my life recently. It’s really not anything personal. I feel like I’m just checking off some missions and tasks before I entirely let go of them. I hate people, and I’m not even trying to hide that fact. But apparently, that’s just the world’s best-kept secret. It’s either that or maybe people just see through my nonexistent intentions. Because quite frankly, I really could not care less about other people.
So, I took care of a bunch of things this morning. I got some documents notarized, visited the hospital to ask for their drug testing schedule, and then went to the supermarket to get a couple of items with my mom. I grabbed myself those popcorn bags too. After that, I got home and packed my things for the sleepover that I was hosting for my friends. This whole thing has been a recurring plan in that friend group for almost a year now. I arrived around the same time Sine and Louise did. We put all our things down inside the house, then went out to play badminton. Unfortunately, the courts were full, and we were forced to go back. The car ride was still fun and it definitely broke the ice, so I don’t think I’d consider even a single second wasted. We caught up with some recent gossip and just checked up on each other. We went back home and set ourselves up a place to optimize whatever activities we planned on doing. We hung out indoors while waiting for the rain to die down. Once it did, we went out to buy snacks, noodles, and soju. We eventually cooked those, then went live and did some mukbang. It was funny. We did karaoke too! I finally got to do Valeria again after such a long while. We ordered food again for dinner and ate some more. We were just doing whatever we wanted to do. It got pretty late, and we finally settled on watching a horror movie to fit the occasion. It just made sense. I did try my best to stop them from playing anything scary, but the majority of the votes were against it otherwise. So we started watching. We had to pause it midway to brush our teeth before we all got too scared to even move from our spots. I called Adrian while that was happening. We finished the movie, and I’d just say it was very average. Louise caught something in his eye and told us it was hurting, so I racked up my brain and boiled him water so he could steam it off. My thought process was that the steam should bring moisture and reduce his dry eyes. I had ice on my face too. That’s just because I was picking my skin from stressing over the movie we were watching. It was all good though. After a while, the redness I got from whatever I did went down very quickly, and it was like nothing even happened. Louise passed out immediately. Sine and I just fooled around a bit more. We were so loud. We were laughing at literally everything, and Louise was just deep asleep. Snoring even. We both eventually went on our phones until we fell asleep too

July 05, 2024

The skies are clear, and just the right amount of sunlight is casting through the gaps in the blinds of my room. The day’s pretty. I can be negative and be able to afford it. I still worry about the things outside of my scope of practice. Someone please spare me a little bit of ignorance. It would be the biggest favor ever. I know too little of something I wish I hadn’t known at all. I wish I didn’t have to fake being stupid. I started my day with a call from Adrian. We picked up from the last conversation we could recollect from last night. I originally had plans to go out and fix some documents needed for college, but there was a sudden downpour, and I was unable to execute that initial task. I decided to use that time to do something else instead. I did my nails! I made possibly the best set of nails I have ever made. It’s definitely right above that one Shaun the Sheep nail art I did months ago. I played with my baby brother for a while too. Not very productive, but then again, my routine has been so perfect that any day will always be productive for me. And speaking of that productivity, I had my lunch, took a shower, and then worked out. Adrian and I watched another rom-com! We watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It was good. I definitely would’ve cried if it weren’t for those jump scares.

July 04, 2024

I think I’m going through some kind of transition. I feel like my vocabulary is heavily lacking right now. I am no longer able to express even the mundanities of my life. Before writing this entry, I had both a notebook and a pen out. I am scouring through my word bank. It’s not enough. I need to read more. I want to read more. But for now, I guess I’ll settle with just trying my best to make use of the limited words I can pull out of the top of my head. I had a nice morning. I kept my promise with Adrian from last night and gave him a call. We left off our conversation pretty abruptly since he had a long day and I was insistent on getting him to sleep early. His best efforts at the opposite got the best of me, and we ended up staying up until 3 AM. I had my breakfast and quickly got ready for my driving lessons. I got to know this new instructor, and I actually prefer him way more. He was younger and a lot more soft-spoken than the last one. I learned how to parallel park, and if I had to admit, I really still don't get it. I actually did so much better today. I was very level-headed, and I was making better decisions on the road. The only concern I have now is calculation (as he mentioned in his feedback), and I should be good. I got home and ate since I was pretty exhausted. I was passed out on the floor for a bit until I decided to take a shower. But before that, I did my hair. The purple has faded since I stopped caring for a while now. After that, I wrote, worked out, then went on a call with Adrian.

July 03, 2024

I can lose everything so quickly. Who’s to be comfortable when all can be taken away? I am doing so well, and yet my most troubled thoughts are always finding their way to repeatedly resurface. I think, but all that thinking is leading me to dead ends. I think, but not enough to ever understand myself. I feel so out of place as if I never was in the right one. But I know I am. Is it from old habits? Was I so accustomed to the wrong ones that the familiarity in bad situations is something I’d never be able to escape? I don’t get it. I’m happy but sad. I am both at once. I wish there were other terms for it, but I’m realizing that such emotions can carry so much more if you were in the shoes for it. It might be an instinctual defense mechanism of some sort. I had a very uneventful day. I received a notification from Brie. She needed to fill me in on her current situation. She had been crying the whole night without a single blink of sleep. I told her to give me a minute so I could shower and get myself breakfast. My mom cooked some scrambled bacon, so I was kind of happy about that. I brought a plate with me, then hopped on a call with Brie. I will not be putting out the details of her problems, but long story short, she doesn’t even know who she’s dating. I hate him. We had such a long talk that I slept for three whole hours straight right after the call ended. After that, I did all of my routines, ate, worked out, and showered. I got ready for bed pretty early. Adrian had plans for the day, so we started our call pretty late. I knew he was tired and tried my best to convince him to sleep soon. That soon did not come until after a few hours. I even ate an entire bowl of cereal at one point.

July 02, 2024

My guitar pick is buried somewhere inside my wallet. I assigned it one important task - to be my lucky charm. Or at least I believe it to be lucky. I keep the wallet tucked away in my pocket. It rests beside a folded-up piece of paper that carries a note from when I wrote 'I love Adrian.' He asked for it right when I was about to throw it away. It was during one of our video calls when we had been playing around. It was a cloudy day. The rain stood by, and the weather was changing from hot to cold arbitrarily. But it was so comforting just being near him that I barely paid any mind to it. I’ve always figured that sitting in the sun would make my days not so bad anymore. Now I’m considering that the sun I talk about could’ve and might've just been a metaphor for him. We met up at the mall. (He told me when we debriefed that he smelled my perfume at the turn before seeing me.) He smiled like a child, and it felt nice knowing (or at least I assume) that I could bring that out of him. I’m not that good at wishful thinking since I’ve had all my wishes predetermined and unselfishly dedicated them to the general well-being of others, but if I could wish for one thing, I’d ask to stay in every moment I have with him. That or wish that I knew how to love. Maybe an instruction manual for it? It’s like I’m going into this test completely unprepared, and I’m so scared of messing this up. He got us coconut shakes. He still remembered that I liked them. We went to the toy section of the mall to search for some LPS (Littlest Pet Shops) since I had been so curious about its recent condition. I was convinced it had been discontinued for a while. Turns out it wasn’t. We talked and checked out other toys too. I just wish I could play with toys again. I mean, I have free will, and I totally would, but I don’t really have the time for it anymore. I was hating on a lot of the new toys. They look like they’re all manufactured so cheaply now. What a shame. We went to the bookstore, and besides looking at books, we might’ve made out a bit. We did the same on the ramps, which was quickly patched, and another place upstairs, and we ended up getting caught. It was fun. I’ve always been the type to like the thrill that comes with things. I love doing the most for a fun story, so it was cool. We ate at Popeyes too. And then it was nothing. The nothing that’s most often or not skipped over in books. The kind that’s never written about. When two people have both run out of things to say, and the silence tells you how you’ve grown attached and realize just how much you like the person you’re with. The comfort you’ll find that would be just enough to let your mind piece together the love you’d only find in the gaps and pauses of stillness. You don’t feel overwhelmed with emotions, nor are you biting back unspoken words. You feel light. Just happy to be there, even if all else was temporary. When I got home, we went on another call like we both had promised, then instead of sleeping early, extended our time a bit more.

July 01, 2024

I am finding it difficult to use my words. My calendar is telling me that I’ve reached the halfway point of the year. I’ve found stability in my own company. Everything has been going in my favor, and I haven’t cried over a single problem in such a long time. I’ve been way too comfortable that I might’ve dimmed my own headlights. I’m lost. I feel like I have this chip on my shoulder. I’m irritable when I shouldn’t be. Skylar checked up on me. I told him I felt like an imposter. I can’t point out the reason for my sadness, but I have my own theories. Skylar told me he was kind of feeling the same way. Sirko had similar sentiments when I talked to her about it. And it makes sense because we’ve all run out of distractions. What’s worse is that the new season of the show the three of us are expecting every summer won’t be around this year. Tragic. I really hate the way I’m articulating my feelings right now, and I feel as if I’m not even the one writing anymore. I desperately need to sleep this off. I can’t even figure out what I did today. My routines are reliably consistent, which I’m so grateful for, but that’s about all there is today. I spent too much time inside my head again. I wrote a lot, both digitally and handwritten. I played the piano. Did a few songs. I worked out, showered, and ate. I called Adrian and stayed up late again. We talked, played, all the usuals.

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