I slept for a few minutes on the couch and woke up with the worst leg pain. I haven’t been getting enough rest lately, and it’s starting to take its toll. Without proper sleep, the body doesn’t have time to repair itself. The pain doesn’t always register right away because the stress response keeps everything running, focused on pushing through the day. But now that I’ve finally been able to rest, everything that’s been neglected is starting to catch up to me.
He broke my heart and went down a path I can’t follow. I asked him if he had to leave, and he didn’t even give it a second thought. My boyfriend hates me and essentially choked me to death—except I didn’t actually die. I died later, from heartbreak.
The morning was quiet. I woke up but received no texts from Adrian. I figured he wasn’t coming. I woke up a second time, but this time I got ready, just to satisfy the anxious feeling I got from the benefit of the doubt: what if my boyfriend actually was coming? He finally texted me midway through getting ready. I was nowhere near done. So, I made him wait. I tried waking Ria up to alert her about the situation, but she refused to wake up. I told Adrian that if he ever did decide to come over, I wouldn’t be able to entertain him because I had to study. Before that, though, I asked him for a hug or two. Those hugs lasted a long time. He was so insistent on not being a distraction because I made him promise the night before. Eventually, he pushed me away. And that was my first heartbreak of the day. I turned on my PC and started studying. He cooked breakfast for both me and Ria. The food he was making came from his dad, who had asked him to bring some for me. I thought it was so sweet. Adrian fed me my breakfast as I continued studying. It was good. Ria could vouch for that. I studied a lot more. Each time I finished a lesson, I forced Adrian to give me a kiss. It got darker outside. Ria bought us drinks from Starbucks. Then I decided to take a break. Ria and Adrian’s interactions were so cute. After a while, Adrian and I went out to buy some spicy noodles from the Korean store. We went back, prepared them, and just hung out. We had Adrian watch a bunch of animations, mostly the ones from HoneyWorks. I love it whenever he makes the effort to take an interest in the things I love. Eventually, time started going by faster. We spent the remaining time we had left in my bedroom. I begged him not to leave, but he left anyway.
A lot of things that seemed relevant while they were happening don’t feel that necessary to write about anymore. I mostly feel detached from everything. I cleaned my whole place in hopes of postponing the workload I have. I still ended up studying for the whole day. I finished a lot. The moment I regained consciousness, I saw Adrian through the other side of my screen, sleeping so soundly. It made me smile knowing I wasn’t entirely alone.
I am as busy as the roads in this city. I am somehow never running out of things to study. I wanted to attend this concert but thought about how much time I’d lose. I, under any given circumstance, will always choose to study.
Love is inconvenient at 18/19. How can it be convenient when I’m so hard to love? I feel like an empty Crayola box. How can I be a kid’s favorite when there’s nothing inside me? I don’t have much to offer, even when all I’ve been addicted to is working on myself. Everything is going dim again and I don’t like it. I get overwhelmed so easily and, as a result, I instinctively push everyone away. I’m just not enough. The potential I always swore was in me is starting to turn into nothing but a distant sight. I do wonder, if I were to ask the people who are closest to me, how long would it take for them to mention me? I know it’s self-centered, I know they do all love me (and I trust that they do), but I’ve been so alone recently that now I find myself in the most active hunt for reassurance.
More financial statements to start the day. Our first class was interesting. My friends and I had lunch at our usual place again. We talked about politics and gossip. Before finding our way back to our next class, I bought myself an Apple Pencil at the campus Apple Store. It felt sad knowing that it was only a replacement for the old one I’d lost. Nevertheless, it would be pointless to mull over something in the past. My friends also bought a few things from the booths set up around campus. I have no idea what event they were for, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. We made it just in time for our next class, only to find out we actually had a free block. We decided to use the time to work on our presentation for another class. Then, for our last class, we had another group activity. I ended up drawing for the group. Yeah, that was pretty much it. It felt weird to draw again, especially knowing others would see it too. I’ve always recognized my talent for drawing. I was a child prodigy. But damn, it felt like I was reaching back to a part of myself I’d long since moved on from.
I woke up this morning to start working on the script I left off last night, but somehow ended up falling asleep again. It’s like my brain just didn’t want to cooperate with me anymore. I spent most of the day studying, catching up on everything from yesterday. I woke up again, got back to studying, and then even found some time to cut pieces for my quilt project. I took that as a little win I had for today.
The days will come and go. Slight changes in the schedule. Variables that are out of my control. I’ll try my best with all I have in any circumstance and hope for the best. As it turns out, I’d be back at my place later than I had anticipated because of some issues with transportation. Even then, everything fell into place because I still managed to answer a bunch of old practice tests as review and had enough time to visit the mall. My mom got me this new carpet for my place! It was so pretty. I really appreciate my parents. They’ve come such a long way. I also picked up a new Kiko Milano lip liner. I hate salespeople, but I can’t blame them. They’re only doing their job. After that, we visited the main house. The one in the middle of renovation. There were dust and nails everywhere. It’s hard to picture what it’ll be, but there’s always promise in the messes. I grabbed my sewing supplies, trying to gather what little I can before leaving again. I’m going back to the city for university, and each time it feels like I’m packing up parts of myself I could never quite get back.
Eternally unaware of the calendar. Happy 6th monthsary, Adrian! Mocks are finally over. Finals are starting next week. I literally have no time for anything, but I plan on taking it easy. My little brother told me about his current situation at school. It definitely wasn’t the best. My heart breaks whenever I hear about his social life. I’m just hoping that it isn’t as bad as how he's making it out to be.
French toast for breakfast. Had my early morning online class. Nothing much other than rest and appointments.
Today meant less than it normally would. I barely existed in anticipation of the day I get to go back home. Coincidentally, that day comes tomorrow. Ria told me that I had woken up before her. I did not. I was, in fact, fully asleep despite my movements suggesting otherwise. When I finally did wake up, I found her frantically typing. I quickly got on my feet and worked on the paper I’d been working on since last night. I continue to struggle. I was on call with Adrian too, as I do every second of my waking day. We tried asking him what we should have for breakfast, and he gave us a bunch of options. It was a list from which we did not choose from. Instead, Ria and I cooked! Ria cooked. It was actually so good too. I ran a quick errand, got a package, then worked on my paper some more before getting ready for a seminar that I had to attend. I was doing it solely for the incentives. I engaged in small talk with three complete strangers who happened to be occupying the seats next to me. They were cool. I honestly had no idea what I was even attending. They introduced this political candidate by name, and I still couldn’t care less. I slept through the entire event. I woke up and asked the dude next to me if I could leave. He told me to just wait it out since it was almost over anyway. A few more minutes of waiting, and I was off to go back home. I was set on finishing my paper. I eventually succeeded with that task, and then Ria got us some food. I was so mean to both Adrian and Ria in the meantime while I was writing my paper. They assured me that it was fine, but I was begging them for so much constructive criticism. I was able to eat at peace and conversed some more with Ria and Adrian. Ria left, and now it was just me and Adrian. I was so tired that I ended up just tossing myself on the couch and annoying Adrian for an hour straight. I had some premonitions just like Anakin did with Padme, and suddenly tears were pouring from my eyes. Adrian was breaking up with me. He told me he wasn't, and so I started crying some more. But I swear I saw the future. I tried to do a couple of practice questions for business finance before going to bed, but I was simply not having it. I slept, and Adrian was there to comfort me about all my worries.
I have three term papers due this week. I insist on writing my diary entries today anyway. I hope this week passes by quickly. I have a lot of things to do, but I trust that I'll get them done. I had my accounting quiz earlier this morning. I made this stupid mistake of manipulating the normal formula so that it could fit my reasoning for this particular problem that I for sure just overthought, but it’s okay. My grades remain high. I live and I learn. As much as I hate to say it because I used to find it so incredibly dismissive of intelligence, mistakes will only make me better. I fully recognize them and take full accountability for all I’ve done. If I do have to admit, part of me is disappointed that I still make these mistakes. The class preceding that was actually the same one with the professor I’m sure I’ve brought up in this diary at least once. I talked to her, and she indirectly gave me an insult. It was fine. I’d rather be nice. To an extent, I still don’t understand what factors could’ve led to how she turned out as a person. She gives out low grades by default, whether or not the outputs you're submitting are good or bad. Straying away from that topic, my friends and I ate lunch, then decided to stay at the nearby student lounge. I’m still not sure if I could even call it a study hall because although it has all the characteristics of one, I feel like everyone was just there to sleep. I sat by this bean bag for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew, I was passed out asleep. I liked it there, though. The lighting felt like the ones in studios, and it wasn’t harsh on the eyes. I had a bunch of conversations with Juliet after we both woke up, then called it a day. I’m now back home and will write a few more entries before fixing up and doing my school-related tasks. I ended up sleeping. Ria brought over Taiwanese food. I love having her here. She’s unofficially my official roommate. I had this group meeting that took up a significant portion of my time. Our topic was on mental health, and I was so unenthused. I talked in gibberish for the entirety of the session, but I think I still somehow managed to make it substantial enough. I love it when things are impromptu. Ria was asleep in my bed the whole time through. She woke up right when my group meeting ended. I slept some more, talked to Adrian half-asleep, then showered. Ria came back with McDonald’s for dinner. Then after a bunch of attempts at postponing our work, we finally locked in.
Would it be insensitive for me to appreciate the cruel climate? Our classes were called off since staying indoors would obviously lessen the concerns of risking our safety. I had only planned to study for the day. My accounting quiz is tomorrow, and I desperately need a 4.0.
My fingers are developing calluses from the excessive use of my calculator. I’ve had this correction tape, broken ever since I dropped it. It’s been sitting there, not entirely useless, but has been difficult to use. Today, I finally figured out what was wrong with it. Suddenly, I managed to click it back into place, and it started working the way it’s supposed to. It gave me a strange sense of happiness. I found control again, even if it was over something trivial.
I cooked breakfast and started my study session early. I also had to pick up a package. That package contained my pull-up bar. I miss the gym, but my studies have taken over. It feels like there’s nothing left of me, like I’m barely even present anymore. I’m lucky my boyfriend isn’t tired of my time being so divided.
I’m cleaning out my desk. I believe that all the clutter I produce is a reflection of my own mind. I needed a clean slate if I’d planned on studying some more for the day. I slept through all of my classes, which was an act done after carefully weighing the trade-offs. I finished a bunch of assignments for accounting and then tried to work on everything I had on my list slowly. I worked out today! Finding time for anything has been quite the struggle for me. Ria had a party, so I helped her with her hair during one of my allotted break times. I still feel so empty. I need more time alone.
Sat to study some more. Slept whenever my brain cried for it. Can the discipline I pride myself on defeat the distant burnout that has been closing in faster than I could memorize my syllabus? Today was sad. I felt alone again. Ria came over. We exchanged jokes, she went to sleep, and I continued studying.
I am an unfortunate sight. Washed my face, brushed my teeth, and started studying. I had breakfast without taking my eyes off my monitor. I snacked on string cheese while editing this group podcast we did. They’re demanding relatively outrageous things. Maybe it’s my stubbornness, but I genuinely found no wrong in the final output. Their complaint was with the pacing of my voice, but Paris Geller literally went to speech therapy to maximize her words per minute. I thought my delivery was sufficiently paced. I hate slow talkers. I have this one acquaintance who always takes forever to generate his thoughts into sentences, and he has still never failed to make me want to pull the trigger in my mouth. I am so incredibly spiteful today. I’m usually not. I am so understanding. My entire diary is a testimony to that. But university makes me feel so unappreciated. All I did besides studying was stare at the ceiling and cry today. I know it wouldn’t matter, but the best retaliation I have right now for everyone who has been getting on my nerves is that I hope you guys know you made someone cry today. I mean, that’s the best I could think of because as someone who likes to understand people and try not to be a burden about anything, hearing that would sting. I literally had one of my groupmates shoot me a private message and tell me he “wants to share my pity.” He recognized the relentless complaints and sympathized. That’s a real person right there. I hate it when I hate, but it’s the only emotion that could possibly comfort me right now. I feel so inefficient.
The voices are fading through proximity. I’m dodging people early in the morning like I’m in some kind of video game. My friends and I had our lunch at this Japanese place. It took them such a long time to serve my order. But that statement isn’t a complaint. I’m only providing context to say that my friend Jasmine waited for my food to be served before she ate hers too. I have really nice friends. We had our last class after, and it was actually kind of fun. We were tasked with doing this group activity of making a bunch of paperclip scholars. It was pretty much just a bunch of paperclips latched onto one another. Our group had a horrible start, but in the end, we turned out to be the most improved. We were a single paperclip scholar away from winning too. We credit that greatness to our “give me head” method. I think we were the group who had the most fun, considering we had the most random personalities ever. Once the class ended, Juliet gave out an invite for us to hang out at her place. We all accepted, knowing that we still had this other project to film anyway. We walked a couple of blocks and eventually got to her dorm room. She gave us a tour and was very accommodating. We had this little moment at her balcony where we were all just throwing dark humor jokes at each other. We were standing at the most perfect sniping spot. A little while passed by, and then we all collectively just started working on our script. I proofread everything and made things shorter. That whole thing took such a long time. We were all passing out one by one. I think Jasmine was the only one who managed to stay up. We woke up, I reread the paper one last time, made all the necessary edits, and then we started filming.
I’ve been reviewing my accounting lessons. I'm trying my best to make proper use of my time with finals week approaching. I’m worried about failing. I also went to the gym today and ordered supplies for quilting, a hobby I’ve been eyeing for quite a while now. I hope I can allocate some time for it and cut down on my screen time with activities like this.
I smell smoke from a flame that’s long been gone. It piqued my curiosity, and I secretly followed it, but I never liked that smell of smoke, and I’m only glad that the flame died out.
Everything felt so heavy. I rotated between sleeping and studying until I had to ultimately decide not to study anymore. My body was only capable of holding up so much stress. I wish I didn’t have the receptors to feel this insistent fatigue I’ve had for almost half my life. I love studying. I love accounting too. If only my body could keep up with all my aspirations… Deep sighs. I still managed to go to the gym after all that mental exhaustion, though. I’m a very well-balanced individual.
I get exhausted whenever I think for extended periods of time. It’s all I’ve been doing these past few months. I have been so exhausted. But I find it so ironic that whenever I find the time to rest, I think about my boyfriend. It works. Everything is tiring, but not Adrian. I feel like he fused with my conscience not so long ago. I don’t think that came with the instructions of how to detach him from that part of my brain. With that, I get really sad at times. I don’t want us to be anything less than temporary. But I like to trust him. I think it must be that little him inside my head manipulating all my judgment. He promises a lot of things. It doesn’t help that I’m the most trusting (gullible) person ever. He visited me at my place again. I like the grown-out messy hair look on him a lot. He’s such a pretty dude. I would so give him my hand if he asked. I still can’t figure out what’s keeping him so intrigued with me, but I hope the day never comes when I’d be left to do nothing but watch him turn against me. Some things that I can note from my time with him today were that, one, he got me a raccoon stuffed toy. We settled on the name Ziggy! It was a combination of the gibberishly generated names we suggested back and forth. Second, we were all over each other a lot. Third, we got caught by an old friend of mine. It felt like a quick comparative checkpoint. We’ve come a long way, considering we never even spoke to each other a year ago. Then, we ate at a Japanese restaurant. That was really nice. Lastly, just a few minutes before he had to leave, I laid with him in bed and just hugged him, letting time pass by. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep during that time, in all honesty. After he left, I got unready and winded down. My mom also dropped by for a bit. She gave me food and everything. I love her so much. I wish I was a tiny bit better at showing my appreciation.
I submitted a homework late. I wish I had the capabilities to sustain my quality of health. If I did, I bet I’d finally be able to wake up early, not feel sleepy throughout the day without my body desperately trying to pay its sleep debt, and overall just not be sick as often as I do. I function so slowly. Far too slow for the plans that I expect to complete daily. I can’t even be disappointed in myself because I also understand what I’m missing. Time isn’t working in my favor either. I need a reset so badly. I want to get ahead.
Few classes. Correspondingly unproductive. I have a new favorite word: portmanteau. Noun: a word blending the sounds and combining the meanings of two others, for example, brunch (from "breakfast" and "lunch"), or a suitcase that opens into halves. Either way, it’s cool in definition. I am content with life right now. I took lots of naps and felt like I was running on battery-saving mode, but I was determined to get things done even though I only started working after the sun had set. I’m reading a bunch of articles again. I went on a video call with Adrian, which is a first in a while. We actually talked without interruptions and such.
Holding a burning coal on the coldest night, I failed to notice how it burned and scalded. It was good until it wasn’t. My talk with Sirko yesterday might have just put things into a better perspective. I’ve failed to notice how much I’ve lost myself. I don’t know what to do. Could this be cured over time?
Sort of listless this morning. I ate breakfast and got ready. I watched a couple of YouTube videos to keep me company, and that made things a lot better. So, I have this convocation I have to attend. I wore a white skirt to match accordingly with my friend group’s plan. We looked cute. I initially thought I was running late, but I actually arrived pretty early. We lined up for registration, and for the rest of the event, I was in deep slumber. We transferred locations, and I actually listened for a while until they started going a little over the schedule. I just wanted to leave and go home. My friend gave us a snack from her province before we all parted ways. I then met up with Tony, who studies at the same university I do. It's strange that we still haven't run into each other. He was at the library, and we chatted for a bit. I went home, ate a bit, and settled down. Not long after, I made the decision to go to the gym again. I hadn’t in a while. I fear I’ve lost all my gains. I had a very productive session in a desperate attempt to get back in shape. I’m only semi-stressing about it because this time of the year is designated for winter arcs anyway.
10th week at the university. My schedule remains impossible to retain. I found out that my first class started at 7:30, and that little news made me so happy. I took my time getting ready. I only had two classes, both of which I had been nervous to attend for the whole week. I confronted my first teacher about the email I sent her a week ago that she completely ignored, and she responded pretty nicely. I also confirmed that I was not infact falling behind in my accounting class. That felt nice. I ate with my friends at this ramen bar where we chose our own packs and made our own meals. I was the only one who made and ate my ramen conventionally. It was a fun experience. I went back home. I have been so ignorant of my social connection status. I am likable enough that I share no conflict with anyone, but I’ve also never been the most open. I’ve left all my vulnerabilities on reserve, strictly for a handpicked few. Sirko is at the top of that list. We finally had our overdue call after months of not having any conversation longer than 5 minutes. It was such a relief talking to her. I have been keeping everything to myself. I was aware of how people could only ruin things if they knew about it, but it’s just really different with Sirko. I’ve been so good at being self-reliant that I think I had forgotten what it was like to share problems with someone. We told the craziest stories and just caught up. We’re both changing, and although I’m no longer witnessing her growth firsthand, I’m glad to still be there during her whole progress. We were so cute. Also, I’ve concluded that we are both still incredibly scarred from some past experiences and have become what we feared the most. I called with Adrian too, then took the longest nap after. I love being able to rest.
My lack of sleep is constraining my perception of time. I arrived from the airport very early in the morning - though it hardly seemed like it. I went straight to the city and had my first class. Being a person who has been touched by the gods, I was lucky enough that my professor decided to hold my morning class online. She taught some more math concepts and formulas poorly. I figured things out myself with my very exhausted gears. I took a shower and got ready to go to university shortly after. I honestly forgot that I was even tired. I attended my classes and was in this weird state of panic. I cried during one of my classes because anxiety was eating me up. It was for a reason, though. Juliet literally threw up. We were getting our grades, and our professor made sure to inform everyone that nobody passed. Our friend group, despite being the ones who crashed out the most, ended up with the highest grades and did more than just pass. Then I went out with my friends right after. I was tired but couldn’t say no when I received the invitation. I ate with Juliet and this other stray friend we usually adopt, and we just talked about random things. We also went to the library to “study,” but all I did was sleep, and so did Juliet. Then we had non-academic conversations, taking up the hours we were meant to spend studying. Coming back home was the greatest feeling ever. I had a nice shower, picked out a comfortable set to wear, and unpacked some toys that I bought from my trip.
Genuine concern for things that have yet to happen. Our temporary residence in Osaka has come to an end. Waking up was painful. I slept in with my hair wet again. I took another shower and fixed myself up with a lot on my mind. It’s all I’ve done this week. I have nothing to look forward to. I worry about the future. I went for a convenience store run early in the morning - a side quest to obtain a couple of things. Listed were: an in-jelly energy drink, water, and packing materials. Everything went by quickly. We had to say goodbye to my mom’s good side of the family. We took a taxi ride back to the airport. We checked in at the hotel connected to it, and now all I’ve done is stare at the digital clock by the bedside table. My mind cannot find its rest. Unfortunate. I did eventually fall asleep. I got my hours of sleep for the day, and when I woke up, I checked out some items at the convenience store. I felt very energized after my sleep. We returned to the airport, checked in our luggage, then found a nice restaurant. We had Kobe beef and wagyu. They were so good. We made our way to our gates and just waited to be boarded. I checked out more stores before we finally had our first flight too. I’m saying 'first' because we still had another connecting one. For the second one, we took a bus, changed terminals, and waited a bit longer before finally heading back to my country I slept throughout the entire duration of the flight.
It’s my mom’s birthday! She does not look her age. I’ve always found my mom so pretty. The first mission of the day was to find sustenance for my little brother. He requested a meal at McDonald’s. I am with professional time wasters. My only job is to navigate my family from point A to B but they are incapable of making up their minds. But I’m cool about it. I love being cool. Cool is my lifestyle. We went to the Osaka train center and went all the way up to the 9th floor just to go back down. I enjoy all locations that I can unlock. Then we took the train back to Dotonbori, this time inside the stores. But I was with my older brother, who kept buzzing about useless complaints. I was unable to buy anything - except for one item, so I guess that was okay. I do regret not getting a couple of other pieces I liked, though. We then departed from the main area of Namba and walked a couple of blocks to Orange Street. It’s where all the streetwear was located at. I have little to no care for designer streetwear. I used to, but it was never my style. I don’t think I can really categorize my style anymore. I grew up. We did visit a lot of stores. I handled my little brother for a while while they were at the Supreme shop. I taught him how to sit without a chair. A classic trick I've been doing for as long as I can remember. The day was wearing me out. We reunited with everybody else, then just as we were about to leave, our stomachs started talking. My dad found this place with Kobe beef, and he and my mom seemed to have enjoyed themselves. I, on the other hand, was wide-eyed, staring at the big Round One sign. My brother had been telling me about it the whole trip, and it’s basically this huge building full of awesome activities. We went and saw a lot of games. We even got ourselves a locker to put our things in. Then we headed to the Spo-cha Sports Challenge floor. Unfortunately, they told us that they were closing soon, so that sort of bummed us out. We resorted to just entertaining my little brother. I also saw this one place that I swore was a location in one of my dreams. Everything felt like a strange premonition. But it was all great. Also, there was this cute instance that I can't just leave out of this diary entry. It was so cute when my little brother asked our dad to get him this fish in a claw crane game. He was unsuccessful, but I just know he tried everything.
A small little layer of abstraction: I honestly think that trips like this, although some would say are repetitive, make me live a little more. We’re going to Universal Studios! I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been to Universal Studios, both in Japan and in the US, but I will always enjoy my time there. We had an express ticket, so that made things way better. To list the rides we went on (with margin for if I miss a ride or two): Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, Jaws, Minion Mayhem, and Super Nintendo World’s Mario Kart: Koopa’s Challenge. There was a downpour, and everyone either had an umbrella or wore raincoats. I was personally convinced that I was waterproof. Upon entering the park, we bought ourselves those headband merchandise since it was already on the way anyway. I got the Snoopy ones. Another purchase of mine was the complete Harry Potter apparel set, including the robes and the scarf, as I’d already been planning to roam around USJ as a wizard. The actual Harry Potter ride was still great and even made me scream, albeit for the wrong reason, such as getting jumpscared by obviously fake props. The Jaws ride was cool too. My little brother really enjoyed it, and that made me so thrilled. Although I was fairly certain I had been on it before, it was still just as enjoyable. I still loved the fire portion. While Minion Mayhem one had a different introduction, it still retained the same old main ride. And of course, the Koopa’s Challenge ride! I had never been inside Super Nintendo World before, but I can vouch for how pretty and amazing it was. All the structures, characters, designs, and quirks tied together so well. The rain was still pretty bad, but that didn’t take away from how the blocks lit up the place. The actual ride was so cool. It was like any other Mario Kart race, except that they gave us these goggles (or visors) that projected game visuals. The augmented reality integration was such an experience. We ate a bunch of things there too, and they were all so good. It was a tiring day, but I had fun.
