Back

Recent Entries

April 30, 2024

I am booked. Friends are inviting me one after the other. It's nice that they think of me. I have to admit, I'm literally fun to be around. Louise messaged me asking if I could come over to his house. Why would I ever say no to a friend’s invitation? I finished writing my summary notes for my economics class, wore whatever was on top of my closet, and didn't even hesitate to go out. I've been saying yes a lot more often these days. Today was actually really fun.
I arrived at his house, and he cooked stir-fried noodles and tteobboki for us. Another friend of mine mentioned she'd follow up. In the meantime, I played the guitar and chatted with my friend about our university acceptances. We both got accepted to all the ones we applied to. The thing is, we had no backups either. We went straight for the top universities and didn't think twice. When our other friend arrived, I ordered Krispy Kreme for everyone just to be a good guest, and we watched a horror movie. I'm really bad at horror movies. Whenever I watch one, I get the worst after-effects and get so jumpy. The whole time we were at my friend's house, I clung onto them. They knew not to leave me alone in a room because I would literally start running and stumbling over everything. It's kind of funny. I mean when I literally got home, I ended up scaring my mom with how much I was screaming at every single slight of noise. I messaged my friends before watching the movie that I was going to need someone to go on a sleep call with me because I might actually die. Anyway, it was super fun. When my other friend left, I practiced a bit of my monologue, and we called it a night. It was an overall really awesome day.
When I got back, I showered for like 2 hours, ate, and worked out. I joined another group of friends' VC, and I ended up joining their Minecraft server. I had so much fun. It was so refreshing playing with people who weren't try-hards. I was the same old "die every 5 seconds" type of player, and someone would pick me up from spawn because I'd always have bed respawn point problems. I played until 2 AM. And somewhere around that time, I started texting with Nefer. We texted until 5 AM.

April 29, 2024

I woke up late like any other teenager. I'm memorizing my monologue for a performance I'm having this upcoming Thursday. I'm aleady well familiarized with the script so I'm just practicing my expressions and refining it now. Classes were cancelled for half the week so I have time for a lot of things. I chose to be dead this whole entire day. I didn't do much else besides go on Youtube, workout, and literally nothing else.
Gracie just announced her new album. It's called "The Secret of Us" (yes, GA2 has a name), and I absolutely cannot wait. She's releasing it on June 21, but her first single, "Risk," will be out on May 1! I love this so much because we actually live the same exact lives, and her new album is the exact phase I'm currently in. I still have the "I love you, I'm sorry" bracelet around my wrist, and I have no plans of ever taking them off, not even in the shower.
This song might actually make me take the risk. Look at me now, I said I wouldn't do it but I (might start hunting) hunted you down. I have so much of her unreleased songs memorized. I already knew this single from way back. I'm so excited to have it on streaming platforms. Fun fact, I have a teeth gap right now and it's the cutest thing ever. I am literally Gracie Abrams.

April 28, 2024

I got a 98 on the math proficiency section of the exam. Such a high score for a top university, and needless to say, I was accepted. I'm taking BS Accountancy, which is a quota course, so I'm really proud of myself. I mean, imagine taking a test for 8 whole hours and then finding out you almost aced the math portion of it. I had pretty good scores in the other subjects too, but a 98 in math? That's insane. It's a standardized college exam. And I didn't even study for this one. I've always considered myself smart, but not that smart. My friends were rejected. They did well, though. I am so lucky. I've passed 3 out of the big 4 universities. My brother, who attends the university I just got accepted into, has been warning me for over a year to avoid it at all costs. Apparently, I wouldn't be able to make it out alive if I pursued it. Yikes. I'm just glad that all of my hard work is paying off.
It's Brie's birthday! I was up until 4 AM last night. Initially, I was about to sleep pretty early in the night, but I received a missed call from Brie, so I called her back. I grabbed a candle out of thin air because I'm an absolute magician, lit it up, then sang her a happy birthday. Tony joined us and shared gossip too. They eventually went to sleep, but I couldn't. I joined Teth and another friend in a call, and we did room tours. It was fun. When I woke up, I found out that I got into another top university, as I mentioned in the first paragraph of this entry. After breakfast, I watched the two new episodes of Queen of Tears. I was sobbing my eyes out. I was so distraught that I didn't do much else that day besides crying. I waited a few more hours for the last episode's release of the same K-drama, and when it did, best believe I was barely catching my breath. I cried so hard. Once I finished, I went on my phone to check my socials and tell my friends about how Queen of Tears was ruining me. I also noticed a few texts from classmates asking me about the liquidation report for our annual report. I took care of that promptly. A constant topic I kept bringing up was my 98 in math. I can't help showing off. it's such a great feat that no one can argue otherwise. The friend I was on call with even told me he informed his mom about my 98. It's such an impossible score to get on a literal standardized college test, but hey, I pulled off the impossible too. The call ended up turning into a long conversation (mostly because I kept going off track) about the other guy on the call's love life, or now, lack thereof. I slept around 4 AM again. I'll bounce back to my normal healthy life when the weather calms down.
I have a few articles of clothing I wish I could just trash. Coincidentally, they're all blue. For some reason, whenever a guy asks me out, I pick out a blue shirt that I've never worn before and ruin it. This would've been fine if guys didn't give me any bad memories. But now, those clothes are beyond salvage because they reek of horrible memories, and I refuse to wear them ever again. I swear I'm about to learn a combat sport just to keep guys away from me.

April 27, 2024

I woke up late. The weather is so horrible I can't even go out anymore. I haven't ran for like a week, and it's making me depressed. I have this Literature assignment that's worth 50% of my grade, and I'm barely making any progress on it. We're supposed to make a monologue based on an archetype we think aligns well with our personality. It's part of the criteria to connect it with a real-life experience too. I absolutely hate sharing things about myself. I feel so uncomfortable letting people get to know me. Don't get me wrong, I'm for sure friends with everyone. But trust me, they're all barely scratching the surface of who I am as a person. I struggled with this the whole day. I was watching last week's episode of Queen of Tears too. The antagonist makes me so mad. I get that he has this sad traumatic background, but he's so insufferable it was making me aggravated. My brother also dragged me to the mall with him. He wanted to get his laptop updated. I put on a hoodie, put my hair up in a claw clip, and just left behind my assignment. We went to the game store, and he picked out stuff for whatever he wanted modified. While they were fixing all that, my brother lent me his chair, which I did not expect coming from him. Small things like that remind me that we've grown a lot older from how petty we used to be back then. I got home, played the guitar for a bit, showered, then went back to stare at my computer screen. This assignment is going to be the death of me, and I don't ever struggle with academic things.
I finished that said assignment an hour later and I was being overly dramatic for no reason.

April 26, 2024

I lose my smile for a single second in school, and people ask me if they did something wrong. They tell me they're not used to it, and it's scary. I wasn't even doing anything - I just closed my mouth for not even that long. Finals week is about to be over. We're having our final exam, and it's only on Literature. I do really, really well in this class. The light of freedom at the end of the tunnel is within sight. We were monitored by our advisory teacher, and she isn't the strictest when it comes to taking tests. The class took advantage of this opportunity. My friend gave me his eraser, and I wrote my whole test paper on it. I'm not exactly selfish with my answers, so it was fine. The exam ended, and just like clockwork, everybody started asking about questions they were unsure of on the test. I heard my name being called from a distance. See, my answers matter a lot because I am literally the top student in this class. The answer to question number 20 was A. I love you, too. I am malfunctioning. Of all the questions, that's the answer you're looking to find? After that, I went back home and changed my clothes. I had my orthodontist appointment for my braces adjustments and also got my teeth cleaned. This didn't take that long. My mom had to run a couple of errands, and I just stayed in the car, entirely passed out. I got home to an email. It was my dad's top pick school for me. I got waitlisted. I feel like such a disappointment. But being waitlisted also meant that I did pass. I was just unlucky. What more could I have done? Do you think I'd owe it to the world to be sad? Would they lay off if I were self-deprecating? I feel like when you're a bit too on your own two feet, people are more inclined to bring you down. It's so hard. I felt like crying. I had to compose myself after this major loss. I ate my dinner, worked out, and did not lose sight of my current priorities. I'll do what I can for now, and that's getting the highest grade on every assignment I'm given. I got a text from Skylar saying he got rejected too. We're in the same exact boat, and that kind of comforts me even for just a little bit. We're just disappointed because we feel like we're letting our parents down. But we're trying our best to keep it positive. It'll do for now. I was not able to sleep as early as I had planned because my brother came back from his university and had me help him out with some plates. Time went by quickly, and it was already an hour or two past midnight. He told me a bunch of interesting stories he has accumulated since the last time we saw each other. I eventually got sleepy and went back to my room. Instead of sleeping, I redownloaded Bandlad and made a hyperpop song. I am mental.

April 25, 2024

I don't like people who are quick to assume things. I had to take a lot of deep breaths this morning. I would like to be left alone, please (probably the most used phrase in this blog). The whole school day was floor time for me. I slept on the floor at any chance that I got. And I had a lot. I'm already done with almost every task I have left for this semester. I only have one exam tomorrow, which I've already studied all the contents for since we had a recent test on the exact same lesson, so I'm pretty calm. I slept again after school. It was getting repetitive, and I was running out of things to study early in the day. I managed to work out, write for my blog, watch a couple of YouTube videos, and do my last blurting session on the whiteboard. I should be able to get top marks for the exam tomorrow.
I have this weird gut feeling that I can't seem to shake off. I've had it for a while now. I can't point out what exactly I'm detecting and why my entirety refuses to trust this person. Something is off, and I feel bad for her because she has been nothing but nice. I reciprocate this kindness, but I don't think I can be vulnerable around her. Everything about her screams whatever the opposite of genuine is. Is it because I find it difficult to translate myself to her? I may not be able to articulate this right now, but I for sure will not be dismissing it.

April 24, 2024

I haven't seen my glasses for over a month now, which is understandable because how am I supposed to see them when I'm literally blind? Okay, I'm totally exaggerating - my eye grade isn't that high. I had my eye checkup today at the ophthalmologist, and as expected, my eye grade went up. This meant that I had to get my glasses changed. That's convenient because I can finally replace my old ones. We went to the mall to buy new frames. I never liked my old ones. We took them to the optometrist and gave them my prescriptions. I should be able to receive them within six business days from now. I really like the frames I chose. They're thick, black-rimmed ones. I looked for the perfect one for almost an hour, which might seem excessive, but since it's an everyday item, I can't just pick ugly ones. I spent the whole day with my mom. I didn't connect my phone to the aux and just talked with her during our car rides. When I got home, I took a short nap, showered, and got down to work. I caught up on my blog from yesterday and then started writing for my video essay. I filmed the said video essay and just read from a teleprompter. We're lucky enough that our teacher allowed it. It was about freedom for our philosophy class. We were basically making up our own theory. I called mine the Symbiotic Autonomy Concept. After that, I did another essay for my Literature class and then slept.

April 23, 2024

Shards of glass were on the floor. Though I'm not particularly superstitious, I've heard that breaking glass is considered a sign of good luck. I was lucky not to cut myself. I had 9 AM classes, so I was able to take my time getting ready. I made it to school just in time, and my outfit was the first thing people commented on. They asked why I looked like I was wearing a pump cover. I was. They know me so well. If you were to lift my hoodie up, it was pretty obvious that I was eager for school to end. I'm having leg day today and I'm really looking forward to it. Today, I wasn't with my usual friend group. I ended up joining a different one during lunchtime. My classmates have unanimously agreed that I'm the most neutral person in class. I like that I'm cool with everyone. During PE, I kidnapped Brie from her class and she helped me learn referee hand signals for both volleyball and basketball. It was so sudden when our teacher announced it out of nowhere, giving us barely any time to memorize, but being the smart girl that I am, I didn't struggle much. Now, I've acquired this new talent of being a referee. I made sure to show off this newfound skill. I abruptly joined the VC where my friends were at and flaunted my new referee skill set. They were impressed, and I felt pleased with their response. Later on, I received another call from the finance people of our batch. There's only a handful of selected people who know how to handle accounting and financing. I am one of them. We did the math quickly and then had a casual chat. It was so funny because I was talking in encrypted analogies. It was so undetectable that it ended up being the downfall of one of my friends who tried to join in on my double entendres that nobody else understood.

April 22, 2024

Long story short, I survived. Maybe even a little more. I got a perfect score in our Philosophy long comprehensive test, Literature long test, Theology oral exam, and Research defense. Nobody else is doing it better than I do. Definitely did a lot more than survive. That, and I experienced blushing again. A certain piece of information reached me. It was from Skylar. He interrupted me in the middle of my revisions. I started stumbling over my words. The simplest thing, and my head started spinning again. In a good way, I think. Basically, he confirmed that I was capable of reaching the untouchable. Attaining the impossible. That the said untouchable, and I quote, would take me seriously and treat me so well if I had just given him the chance. I was at a loss for words. This dude has literally been my default for years. This is why you'd never know things unless you try. Because what do you mean if I gave him a chance? Is it not supposed to be the other way around? Now, he doesn't know that he has been the person I come back to. Everybody kind of likes him. The Ryan Reynolds kind of admiration - which is another way of saying even straight guys are crushing on him. Everyone has well acknowledged the guy that he is. Not even just as a physically attractive person, but like he matches up with my grades, kind of smart. Without trying. And he boxes. He doesn't talk to girls either. How the fuck did I pull this? I have no idea and never would've if Skylar hadn't brought it up in their conversation. I mean, I appreciate him as a person, but I am not in the right state of mind for any relationships right now. Objectively, this would've been great. But with how I am currently, I am still in desperate need of fixing. But it's good to know that I am someone desirable enough. I'm going to be distancing away myself from this situation but will be putting my locket on reserved.
I slept for a solid three hours after school. I didn't get any proper sleep last night, so it was much-needed. I worked out and used the rest of the night to catch up on as much rest as I could.

April 21, 2024

I've always been the girl next door. My ego has just been boosted. I'm usually insecure, so this is a rare occurrence. My glow-ups should be studied. I'm saying this because of the random series of texts I got from Brie.
My head isn't cooperating with me right now. I've had this massive headache since last night, and I don't think it's going away anytime soon. My mom has been getting me muffins every day, and today I got the cheesecake-flavored one! I studied the whole day, starting around 12, with my friends accompanying me on a call. Tomorrow, I have my research defense, theology oral exam, literature long test, and philosophy long test, all of which are concept-based topics. I alternated between these subjects in my schedule to space out my study sessions and retain more information for the long term. My productivity was at its peak; the only rest I took was for sustenance and my scheduled workout breaks. Otherwise, I continued studying until 2 AM. Around 1 AM, my friends and I started losing our minds. For an hour straight, we joked about the wages of sin being similar to the salaries and wages topic we had discussed earlier. We joked that if we sinned this late at night, our "hourly rate" for sins would be OT (x1.3), Night shift (x1.5), and Rest day (x2.0) in the DTR. After an hour of that, we realized our brains couldn't function for more studying, so we called it a night.

April 20, 2024

"Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" And I did. People figured to associate the song I Can Do It With a Broken Heart with me. Is it too soon to acknowledge my success? I cry a lot, but I am so productive. It's an art. The mindset I'm trying my hardest to insist on having is keeping me together. I'm getting everything I want and others might just consider me the happiest person alive but the weight I carry is keeping me grounded. I feel like I'm falling apart, but somehow, I never completely do. I'm a real tough kid. I can and have been handling my shit. I had my 5-kilometer run followed by the heaviest breakfast I've had this year. I slept afterwards for almost 3 hours. I prepared for my day after cleaning myself up and wearing comfortable clothing. I have a lot on my plate. I made my to do list and I had a total of over 26 tasks I needed to complete. I was quick to start my very focused study session. I got through almost half of the list by the end of the day. I was on a call with this one dude just for the sake of productivity. I was studying for about 10 or so hours. I did take a 2-hour break to watch an episode and a half of Queen of Tears. I sobbed. I was distraught. I lost it. I did my workout a little while after that. My schedule is always so full. I swear I have no time for anything else these days. I think the thing that made my day a bit stressful was my Literature class. Our teacher gave us 9 whole documents each with 20 pages each to study for the contents of the test we're having this Monday. Which she never taught, might I add. Like genuinely not a single lesson was discussed. The documents were absolute information dumps. Oh well, I managed to power through it.

April 19, 2024

University decisions are out. At least the most important one is. Not necessarily my top choice, but it's everyone's. If I pass this, I basically passed every other university ever. So how did I do? I got waitlisted into the course I applied for (can't blame anyone because only 60 students are accepted each year), but got into another campus and course. The acceptance rate is at 11%. That's not accounting for the acceptance rate of each course, and I took on accountancy. Who the hell takes on accountancy? It's like I had a death wish. But I'm really proud of myself. I got in! I passed! I am making the top school of the country my backup school. If I don't get into the school with the course I want, I might accept the acceptance of this one. I dressed up for my business meeting thing. I came to school and was greeted with praises. Everyone congratulated me except for my pathological liar friend who has this secret animosity with me. She tried lumping me in with her rejection and even tried to lie that she got rejected. But she had already told everyone the average she got and her test results. People who got in had theirs hidden. She's smart but I swear she can be pretty sick in the head sometimes. I'm happy. Today wasn't really anything special. We didn't do anything in school besides sit down. While we weren't doing anything, I wrapped my Taylor Swift Eras Tour long sleeves around my head like a bandana. I needed to optimize my listening. You have to trust me on this, but I looked so cool. I saw a picture (with a stalker angle) of me later on and wondered why I actually looked so stylish. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the album.
The Tortured Poets Department. Right Where You Left Me might have just been demoted. The Bolter has taken its spot as my favorite Taylor Swift song. No, I am no longer right where anyone left me. Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? She fell through the ice and came back alive. The timing is perfect. A girl no one would ever be able to chase. Excellent fun 'til you get to know her. Then she runs like it's a race. Behind her back, her best mates laughed and they nicknamed her "The Bolter". The song I was anticipating the most was actually I Can Do It With A Broken Heart. I'd say I made the best judgment. It was first on my ranking before I listened to the second album. I have so much to say about each song. The moment I finished listening to every song, I had over 4 hours worth of screen time in my Safari and Genius.com. If you're curious, here's my ranking (all songs not included):
1. The Bolter
2. I Can Do It With A Broken Heart
3. Down bad
4. Highschool
5. I Hate it Here
6. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys
7. So Long, London
8. thanK you aIMee
9. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived
10. The Alchemy
11. The Black Dog
12. The Prophecy
13. The Tortured Poets Department
14. Who's Afraid of Little Old Me
15. loml
16. Fortnight
17. imgonnagetyouback
18. Cassandra
19. I look at people’s windows
20. Peter
I learned The Bolter in the guitar. I love music theory. I figured out the chords and tabs on my own. I am out of the loop. Keep it that way. Do not update me, leave me alone. I also filmed a TikTok. I'm recreating something (dancing to Twice's What is Love). It's funny, I swear. I worked out, did my blog, watched another episode of the K-drama I'm currently watching, and then studied. Before sleeping, I remembered that I had almost skipped my dinner. Not the best thing because I'm pretty sure I only had a protein bar for lunch. Yeah, no wonder I'm not gaining weight. I cut my hair too just for the occasion of an almost relapse. I played a bit more of my guitar, then studied once more before falling asleep.

April 18, 2024

I definitely was not sane this morning. I woke up, scrambled for my phone, and then played the most depressing playlist I had just to doze off to it. My mind no longer feel like it's mine and I wish I could do something about it. I had the slowest morning ever. I am being summoned to school for something I am not even liable for. They're having this mock proposal for their business plan. I am a person who's often expected but never appreciated. If I were to attend, all I'd get in return is the teacher who's out to get me rolling her eyes and throwing a bunch of snide remarks. Who would want to sign up for that? I am simply not attending something I wouldn't be getting credit for. It's not that I do things solely for the sake of some appreciation, but it would be nice to receive when all you've done is be nice while they exploit you for your work. This isn't included in my hours as a student, and I don't see a single benefit from dipping my feet into this mess. I would've done this favor if they weren't wishing for my downfall. But I'm not that defiant. I did still end up helping with some finances. I'm still watching Queen of Tears, and as the name itself suggests it, I am tearing up every episode. It's actually so good. I don't even know how to feel with the parallel storylines happening simultaneously. I feel new emotions every 5 minutes, and I'm not exaggerating. Taylor is releasing The Tortured Poets Department tomorrow and I know it's gonna hit me like a bus. We'll see if I'd even still have anymore tears left to cry. Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die.
I reconfigured my iPhone's setup into a dumb phone. I enabled grayscale and simplified everything on it. I'm hoping to lessen down my screentime to an hour per day. I'm trading the time I've wasted online on meditating. I'll try to build up my daily success rate on that. Also, I got another text message asking me for my ab workout. And it's from a boy. This is like the 4th one this month. I don't even wear crop tops that often anymore. Maybe it's the tight-fitting shirts? But also, I can't help that my gains are practically genetics. I'm maintaining it, but I've always had a great physique. I'm actually so proud of myself. I wish they'd ask for legs and glutes too. For the record, the current list uploaded on my Listography account is actually inaccurate. I have modified it a lot since my last update.
Deep breaths, empty mind. Disassociate, zone out, and write.
I sobbed myself to sleep tonight. I love hitting the bottom sometimes. I was scared. It might be because of Taylor's new album release a couple of hours from now. The grief I feel is the proof of love I need. The same amount might not have been reciprocated, maybe not even at all, but I know that it was genuine on my side. I want to be seen one day. I know I claim that I'd rather be a concept than anything, but wouldn't it be nice to experience being seen even just once? This might seem selfish, considering it would take the longest time for anyone to even attempt understanding me. To be quite frank, only a handful of people ever have. That selection of friends was the ones I got from 8th and 6th grade too. If I were to love again, I hope it lasts. I am definitely not made for anything temporary. I don't operate that way, and that's something I'd argue I have no control over. Blame all the books and movies for turning me into the biggest hopeless romantic ever. I don't think I've ever remained anywhere metaphorically and physically. I'm the type to come and go. Isn't it stupid that I'm asking for something not temporary? I mean, the thought process to that is pretty simple. It’s either I remain as something passing or become the constant in a life so changing.

April 17, 2024

Another 5-kilometer morning run done and dusted. My left ankle is still sprained. It was hurting so bad I genuinely thought about going back home and just skipping today's run. But I couldn't because I wore such a nice set. I am literally a girl, leave me alone. Speaking of things that should leave me alone, men should also keep their distance far away from me. I get so repulsed, no offense. This is gonna sound mean, and I am fully aware that I shouldn't be so shallow, but a dude my age who wasn't the most attractive approached me from behind during my run. He was on a bike too, so he had to make a full stop at an incline. I could've sworn I was getting jumped. I live in a gated community with numbers on houses. I have headphones on when I run, so people should really take a hint. The only people I want to talk to in the morning are probably the three old dudes I see walking every day. They're so cute. I did not see them today. I've been complaining a lot about not having pull anymore, and God probably wanted me to shut up. See, why can't I put that pull to good use with some dude I'd actually like? Oh my God, I am a mean person who will soon receive her karma. I changed and lay down on the sofa while watching Queen of Tears to cool down. I think this series has conditioned me to literally start blushing each time I hear that one soundtrack they play at any mediocrely sweet scene. I would literally start giggling and kicking my feet. It's well communicated in the show that they don't even love each other. I am losing my mind. Also, my mom bought me a bunch of protein bars. Pretty cool. After I showered and had my breakfast, I slept for about 2 hours. I'm not sure anymore how long I slept. I meditated exactly at 11 AM and decided to make the smartest move of laying down on my bed. I don't think I'd ever be able to figure out when the whole meditation thing turned into me sleeping. I needed to clear my head though; I've been stressing since early this morning over the most insignificant person. Okay, maybe a person with a tiny bit of significance. But still. I read my textbook for a while and made a mock test while I was at it so I could make studying for my future self easier. I ate a lot. I had wings for dinner. I'm still watching Queen of Tears. I did a cover of "Scared of My Guitar" by Olivia Rodrigo. I have been avoiding that song for a while. Glad to be making its acquaintance through my guitar too. I've traded something that's good for what's right. After that, I worked out, showered, then went on a call with Ria. We are catching up on our writings.

April 16, 2024

I need to relearn how to walk. My left ankle is hurting again. I can't even walk right without injuring myself. What am I on? No, I wasn't able to run this morning. I did still wake up pretty early. I don't have anything due tomorrow, but I have some topics I want to study just to get the overwhelming feeling of having multiple deadlines next week out of my system. I am also submitting another application for university. The decisions are coming out next month, and I'm wishing for the best. My mom got me chocolate muffins to start my day. They're my absolute favorite. School is canceled for almost the whole week, so I'm taking it easy. I got to catch up with Sirko, which was fun. Nefer also sent me a bunch of voice memos of her high school lore. I was eating it up. I love her so much. I didn't get to finish it, though, because I had a couple of things I still needed to do. I went on a productivity call with Ria. She was writing her blog, and I was preparing for my oral exam on Friday. I also made a new Lego contraption! I made a pretty simple design with the resources that I had. I wish I had those engineering sets, but who am I kidding? I barely have time to start the bunch of hobbies I bought with the intention of starting but never did queued up. After I finished with all those, I started a new Netflix K-drama. It's called Queen of Tears. I've heard a bunch of good feedback from my hand-selected friends. It had a very fever dream-like first episode. But as confusing as it was, it got me hooked. I worked out pretty late then just did my night routines. I swear I'm too busy for anything nowadays.

April 15, 2024

I'd rather be in a sundress, getting tan lines, than doing anything else. It's the perfect day to be at the beach. Except I'm more of a night walk by the coast person, and as much as I love the sun, I hate when it burns. I have no idea why, but I get sunburns so easily. A day with Sirko at Disney California literally gave me sunburns. Anyway, my new alarm clock makes me feel like I'm a Tamagotchi - weirdly specific, but at least it does its job of waking me up. One of the mysteries in life I currently think about so often is whatever happened to my ID. It disappeared one fateful day, never to be found again. And that's bad because I get asked for it so often. I'm one offense away from doing community service. School was pretty chill as usual. I got to class, and Skylar saved me a seat. I appreciated the gesture. The thing about that too was that it was beside my most favorite pink bag. At one point, we had to do some group work, and I did my task as a good student. We also used up the remaining time to plan out a hangout with half of the class. We're planning to go to this amusement park and skip a day to mess with the teachers. Pretty funny if you ask me. The groups were shuffled, and I was next to the pink bag again. Isn't that so cute? I love the color pink so much. We had to write some essays for our next class, and I didn't have a pen. I asked around for a pen except for one person who I notice I exclude a lot, but I swear it's not on purpose. I just get really nervous with that one person. Take it as a compliment, really. Reaching for the pink bag, he got a black pen and lent it to me. See, if it weren't for this pen, I would've failed. I made sure to thank him in the awkwardest, most extended thank you ever. I was about to tell my entire life story if I wasn't interrupted. So grateful for that. My class is on a shift system with selling. I'm off duty, but I did still check it out. They were actually making pretty good sales. I wandered off and visited Ria's shop where I spent a lot of time. They had a station where you could make custom friendship bracelets. I made one that spelled out 'I love you, I'm sorry.' That one is for Gracie Abram's new song and upcoming album. I almost missed a test doing all that labor, but I still got a perfect score despite barely making it to class. Also, Ria got me a gift! She recently returned from a trip to Taiwan. I find it so sweet that she thought of me. She gave me this Maruko Chan mousepad (shameful to admit that I haven't used a mousepad since last year because I spilled food on my old one). By the way, I made a new friend today! A girl basically approached Ria talking about this boy she's trying to get the attention of. I knew this boy. We talked about all that, and I was feeding her delusions. When I got home, I passed out for like 2, maybe 3 hours, showered, then answered our take-home quiz. I worked out as per schedule and winded down until I fell asleep.

April 14, 2024

I know where I'll disappear to. One day, I'll completely leave everything behind and be the concept I want to be, leaving as many marks as possible in every place I go, becoming nothing else but a little reminder. By that time, I probably would've already stopped writing in this online diary. But I've decided. I know where I want to go, and trust me, it's far away from everyone else. I cannot wait for that day. I'll probably write a separate blog entry for all that.
I changed the tone of my alarm clock last night, and it actually worked. I'm noticing how the daylight hours are lengthening. Moving closer to summer in the northern hemisphere, the sun is rising a lot earlier now. I did my 5-kilometer run starting with the most disappointing, half-assed warm-up ever. It came back around because I did end up having to deal with the pain of runner's knee. Now if that isn't the consequence of my own actions. I slept for a while, then ate back the energy I had lost. I have acquired my flight tickets, but the dates are so risky. I'm arriving back home a few hours before my literal graduation. Well, wish me luck. I spent the whole afternoon studying, going through a couple of textbooks. I wasn't that focused since all the studies I was doing were advance works. After a while, my parents invited me out for an early dinner, so I got myself ready and headed out. I brought along with me my papers and pens just in case I find myself needing to memorize more concepts and topics. The said papers and pens have become such staples in all my outfits during exam season, replacing the plastic bottled water I always keep on hand. The main reason my parents went out was actually because they were craving a nice crab meal. We took such a long road only to find out the restaurant they wanted to go to had been temporarily closed down. What a shame. It was open on Google too. We ended up going to another seafood place. I got myself a plate of battered shrimp. I think there were seven big ones, and I did not even hesitate to throw everything into my mouth the moment the food was served. I wasn't chewing, and it only took me 1-2 bites to eat whole shrimps. I usually take the slowest when eating, but with this being the only time I've ever eaten like a caveman, I got into a little bit of trouble. I developed a new allergy. This is something I do not understand at all. I love shrimps, and they've always been my go-to, especially when eating in Japanese restaurants. It's so out of nowhere, but death kicked in. From the roof of my mouth down to the entirety of my throat, it dried up, and it became like I don't even know how to explain it but it was itchy and horrid. I was unable to breathe. I was dying. I got over it when I got home, but I swear to God it was such a horrible experience. When I got home, I studied a bit more then hosted a crash course for my friends. We did one for Philosophy and a little bit of theology. Also, I love whenever this one friend of mine would compliment me when I'd sing this same line that's been stuck in my head. He would literally get the attention of everyone, and well, he would compliment me in a mean way, but I'm taking it. Then we crammed for our mock defense tomorrow. I had to make the PowerPoint, and it was kind of stressful. I mean, I wasn't exactly panicking, and I knew that I could do it, but I didn't want to stay up late, so I was stressed out more about the hours of sleep I'd get in the day.

April 13, 2024

I've come to consider my alarm clocks utterly useless. Each night, I make sure to set not just one, but about five more leading up to the time I need to wake up in the morning. I add as many additional alarms as necessary depending on how urgently I need to wake up. They've been failing at their jobs quite miserably. I always wake up either an hour before or an hour after. I didn't wake up as well as I had wanted since I didn't exactly sleep early yesterday. However, I still managed to do my morning run. I'm logging yet another successful 5-kilometer run in Strava, which accounts for my first reason to be grateful for this day. I was looping Sabrina's new song "Espresso," and I've just been so obsessed with it since its release (literally yesterday). That song backs up my claim of being the sweetest person to ever exist. I got home and was genuinely passing out. I can't explain why either. The hard floor was holding onto me, but I still overcame temptation. I showered, kept my stomach full, then headed straight to bed. I woke up and just stayed in bed since it was still pretty early. I watched more Beta Squad videos like an absolute 12-year-old.
Julie and the Phantoms might be getting its new season. I've waited long enough. It's been 4 years. I have never been so invested in a girl-ghost story. Can you blame me? My favorite book is literally Phantom of the Opera, a book of which I have multiple editions, one being a gift from Sirko a year ago because she knows how obsessed I am with it. My day was pretty mediocre. I didn't have much filling up my mind, and I've been getting back the rest my body needs. I did my workout pretty late and then did some cardio. I came back to the kitchen to eat the weirdest combination of food. I was mixing whatever whole food I had that was high in protein. It didn't even taste bad, so I'm taking that as a win. Before going to bed, I made sure to revise a bit of my lessons since the upcoming week, if I'm not mistaken, will be our last week before finals, so they're throwing a bunch of tests at us.

April 12, 2024

I'm having a hard time writing today's journal entry for reasons I can't quite pinpoint. I'm staring at my screen with literally no words coming to mind. There was nothing interesting about my morning. I went to school and wrote an essay for my first class. I was very sleepy but had to listen because I assumed we were having a test during our second hour of the same class. I ended up convincing my teacher to move it because it was impossible for me to memorize everything she talked about, let alone for other people to memorize. We had another test in our next class. I studied during our break time with a bunch of new characters. Not entirely new, but it was weird for me to hang out with them. I don't know how we ended up becoming a study group at that moment, but I enjoyed it. I can never shake off the "little miss friendly" allegations. We had some classwork during our Literature period. We were paired with a partner to write prose on a given prompt, so I just wrote the whole time. I usually tend to write too much, so I went a bit overtime again. After that, I went on another Friday hangout with Brie. It was spontaneous but it might just become our new thing. We went to the mall and talked about the game I kind of invented last week. I want to play it with a particular friend group so badly. We were making a bunch of inside jokes, so that was great. When we got to the mall, I bought us a quick lunch. We talked about the craziest things. I swear we need to be separated. We were throwing so many out-of-pocket lines that not even a few moments later, karma came right back at us. So basically, there's this one guy who is somehow connected to everyone we've ever talked about, in the weirdest way possible too. I wanted to buy myself coconut milk because I love it and always crave it when I'm in the area. Unfortunately, the food vendor went on a quick break. So I waited. During that waiting time, we saw karma's person walk past. It took a minute for me to register it was him, and I told Brie about it quickly. She confirmed that my eyes were not playing tricks on me. I was about to burst out laughing. There is no way any of this was coincidental. When the food vendor came back, another person must've quickly bought the last stock of the coconut milk I wanted. I had no choice but to buy coconut milk from another stall. Now, speak of the devil, I was telling Brie about how weird it was running into them here out of all places, especially with our current topic being so insane. I saw Brie waving at my back, and I took a quick glance - itwas him. I looked down and started shaking. If you know me well enough, I literally cannot hold my laughter for the life of me. I wasn't looking down just because I was dying, I also could not risk being recognized because of some sins I have committed (or was accused of) in the past. After that, we kept on running into that person. At such a big mall too. If only the food vendor from earlier never went out or if the last stock was never bought by another, or if I just never bought the said coconut milk. It was still so funny. We went to the bookstore too. We were just walking around and talking. I was getting my step count in. It was weird because before we parted ways, I felt this weird attachment with Brie. What an awesome day. I got home and fell on the floor. My sleepiness was getting the best of me. Once my body was lying down on the floor, I found it such a challenge to even open my eyes. But I had to remove my makeup and clean up, or else I might just die forever. I persevered through the great battle of sleepiness. It got later in the night when I received a text from Ria. She was asking for my help with her research. I'm the best at research. I made her work very quickly while she was trying her best to finish this bottle of alcohol her mom gave her. She's in another country right now, and I'm guessing they couldn't put it in check-in luggage and didn't want it to go to waste. She said it tasted bad. I did my blog for a bit, worked out (I don't care if it's late, I can't miss a day), then went to sleep.

April 11, 2024

Our shop is now officially open for business. The start of selling generated very promising initial sales. I took on the first shift as usual. We're actually on track with our projected sales targets. We did better than predicted during our first day. Compared to our last business, this one was a lot less hectic and on the slower side. I actually kind of like our current setup too. I interacted with a lot of people, and it was fun. I'm realizing now that I am a very outgoing person. My friend told me about how awful the marketing experience was for her. I am always talking to people whenever I'm out in public. I love my own company, and I'd prefer it, but I don't actually do too bad in social settings. I love being a friendly person so much. Closing up for our first day, I had to encode all the physical records into an Excel file. I did the statement of accounts and all that finance stuff. I slept the moment I got home. I wanted to rest for a bit before studying for a test I have tomorrow. I watched the Beta Squad's "We Opened A 5-Star Restaurant" video. It was the funniest thing ever. It was an hour long but it was worth every second wasted. Accordingly, with the time I've computed in my head, I cleaned up and started composing myself for a focused study session. I memorized everything, and I wasn't stressed out at all. A friend of mine called me up saying he wanted to study with me, so I accepted the offer. Only 20% of our call consisted of us actually studying. Early evening to an hour past midnight, we were just plain yapping. At one point, I started doing reps for my arms because I couldn't miss out on a day of working out. I briefed him so well with our lesson that he has full-on confidence in acing the test tomorrow. I love doing charity work.

April 10, 2024

I'm confined within the walls of my own room. There is no door. I don't plan on going out. I have a lot of studying to do, and I need to get it done to ease my mind before I actually explode. I did exactly that. My attention was pretty divided, but for the majority of the day, I was just studying. I had pizza for lunch and Popeyes for dinner. I don't enjoy fast food as much anymore, but I eat whatever is given. I did still workout, one of the main things I look forward to in my days. I've had a few things bugging my mind. It might have something to do with the fact that I did not run as much this week. I hate it when grief comes out of nowhere. I hate hosting pity parties so much, but I can't help what I feel.
Every day I'm with adults who don't make sense. People my age don't make sense. I feel absolutely shameful. I was very suicidal three years ago. I had so many suicide letters that I wish I could just let go of. Not my proudest moment. It's not on-brand for me to talk negatively about anything ever. At least not anymore. I feel like I've been so happy-go-lucky that no one would even guess how bad I am to myself. And I'm really trying. I guess I feel guilty because I had once again inflicted self-harm. Don't get me wrong, I have my life together. Trust me. But I do still feel so lost sometimes. It's out of nowhere.I always tell people the I'm the literal reference point or the benchmark at the positive end of the mental health scale everyone measures themselves against. How I have my life together and all the routines I do. And I wouldn't trade that for the world. But I am such a flawed person. I feel like the biggest imposter there is. I love myself enough that I treat myself for everything. I take care of myself in every way possible there is. I am relatively secure with who I am. I do think that the people who experience life a little more sensitively than others are so much nicer. This is me saying how nice I've always been. People always tell me that I'm fun to be around, I give off comfort, I have one of the best personalities ever and all that, but it gets so hard. I genuinely mean well when I do good, but people can be so unsupportive sometimes, and I don't get what incentive they're getting out of it. It makes me so sad, and I shouldn't be minding it because it's out of my control, but the frustration can get under my skin for quite some time. The 80-year study from Harvard concluded that good relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. So, a fulfilling life isn't all about status and looks and all that. Of course, it isn't. I can name a few people in my life who I would say contribute to my happiness. Top one being Sirko, of course, but other than that, I'm out. Am I too cynical? I have lots of friends, and I'm doing a lot better than others, so what's keeping me from feeling so alone? Is it because I'm not being delusional? I don't understand. If my life is so good, then why am I harming myself? This'll pass tomorrow, and I know it. But right now, everything I've been bottling up is making me lose my mind. The fact that it just had to happen to me makes me lose my temper. I'll hold my breath to this, and I'll get over it. I just want to be transparent with my literal diary.

April 09, 2024

I feel like I discover new body injuries every single waking day. I can barely walk, but it's okay because I'm used to it. I had a very horrible day. I felt very overwhelmed because of how long it was taking us to get home. I had asked them prior to this trip about the exact schedule for everything. I try my best to be flexible with my time, but at the pace everyone was going, I was losing it. I needed to study, but I had no resources for studying. I don't really want to write about this day. I was with people I hated, and nothing I write is going to come out well. I'm going to sound like the most horrible person to ever exist. I'm only crying because I want to study. So really, how bad of a person can I be? We ate at a restaurant for lunch after having breakfast not even that long ago. Then we went to our farm, and they swore it would only take them an hour max to do a couple of things. They lied. I got hysterical when I saw the sun setting and started crying. I cried for 3 hours, continuously. No, crying wasn't going to teleport me back home, but it relieved me in some weird way. When I got home, I showered for like 2 hours because I hate staying outside for too long. I loathe it with all my being. I hit the gym afterward just to calm myself down. I ate whatever they gave me and then started studying. I studied until 2 AM. I'm forced to miss tomorrow's run, and I hated that, but I had to make sacrifices for the time people took away from me. So unfair. On top of my study sessions, I got a call at like 11:59 telling me our research was due at that exact time. I had written 80% of this research paper. What the actual fuck is wrong with people? But it's okay. It was easy enough for me to do. I was with a friend who always helps me with my math stuff. It was good enough. We ended up pulling a prank after finishing the chapter 5 of our research. We told them the file got deleted. We got a good laugh for about 30 seconds. I was on edge today, and I can confirm that the reason for that is because I was not able to do even just a single daily routine of mine. I felt disorganized, and it was messing with my head. Writing about this day alone stresses me out.

April 08, 2024

After a brief interlude of about 10 minutes spent in a futile attempt at sleep, I was abruptly disrupted by the sound of my alarm clock. My body was quick off the bed, and I wasted no time getting ready. I barely had an eighth of my breakfast. I grabbed a 20g protein bar and left. I had to walk some distance to school to avoid being late too. I succeeded in not receiving yet another late slip. But god, was I about to regret that. I should've slept in. I was breaking the school's policy on hair and, of course, the dress code. I was asked for my ID, which I didn't have, so I got into even more trouble. I spent my first period in the office. It was unavoidable. In all honesty, no amount of warning will make me redye my hair brown. Redyeing bleached hair is a call for help. They eventually let me out after some scolding, and it was all good. I was listening attentively in most of my classes since it was just impossible to sleep. During lunchtime, I had my friends Brie and Lane play the lying game with me. One of us were to receive a roulette card that determined whether they had to tell a lie or the truth (to be kept it hidden from the others). Then, the rest are supposed to come up with a subjective question and try to guess if the answer given by the other player was a lie or the truth. I was convincing enough for Lane, but Brie just knew me too well. Then we watched the play Ria’s in. It’s Beauty and the Beast, and she's playing as Babette. The flirty duster. It was so fun. Everyone was so talented, the props were cool, whoever was in charge of costumes did such a good job. Tt was great overall. The person who played Belle, who I'd also consider a friend of mine, was so awesome. I love her voice so much. Always have. I sadly had to leave right after they sang the main song because I had to catch time. I have this campsite swimming resort thing with my family. To my disappointment, since it was planned by an extended family, my pathological liar cousin was there. It set my mood off so much. I don't enjoy vacations or outings that require lazing off as much, especially when I'm with people I don't want to be with. I could've been using this time to study, workout, and monitor my food. Everything is the exact opposite of that. I'm gonna have to skip skincare and my very specific shower routine too. How horrible. But despite this grudge I was holding, I had to enjoy what was given to me. Everything needs appreciation. I did my best to put aside my personal complaints and had as much fun as I could. A lot of things are out of my control, so I really needed to practice learning how to make do with what I have in any given circumstance. Being happy is greatly correlated with the relationships you have around you. That's coming from an 80 year old research from Harvard. I had every right not to enjoy my time when the person on top of my blacklist was within my vicinity. But again, I try my best to keep it in. When everybody else settled down, I put on my swimwear and went back and forth in the pool. I was identifying stars and was in very deep thought. I wish I could share them, but I'm too busy right now and have no time for that. The night got darker, and I was fast asleep.

April 07, 2024

I set a new PR in today's 5k. My ankle still hurts which means I am barely recovering. How is that even possible? The only existing theory I have is that the song I've been looping since yesterday must've given me a runner's high. My morning run today was awesome. Not only was I fast, but I managed to say hi to one of the three old dudes I see every morning. They're so cute, I swear to God. I love old people so much. The weather was perfect too. Dare I argue that spring is simply the best season of all time? Reader discretion is advised as my choice of the best season varies with my life's current phase. But right now, it's perfect. I went back home, incredibly out of breath, and prepared my own breakfast. I changed clothes, slept, then showered. It's going to be a very boring day, but I'm glad I have enough time for rest this week. I planned my day with tasks that I actually need to complete followed by some leisure activities I've been meaning to do. I watched a couple of Beta Squad videos, watched the recent Mashle video, took another nap, and journaled. I also had lunch then did my workout. I've come to peace with a lot of things recently. I hope to always be in such a state of mind that I'm actually considering meditation. Some, if not all, of my favorite productivity YouTubers (like James Scholz and luvelka) swear by it so much. I did my own research, and it's actually backed up by science. No wonder all the billionaires are doing it. So, as a person of discipline, and like any other person would, I tried to meditate. I like how it practices being present in the moment. I tried it for 10 minutes. I would've gone longer if I didn't literally start malfunctioning and forgetting how to breathe. I was tense, but I'll try again for sure. I'm already a calm person so I can't really pinpoint whatever change that made. It was definitely fun. I've been preferring thinking over scrolling on my phone a lot recently too. Being able to think and having time to rest my thoughts is a pretty solid complementary activity, I'd say. After that, I got myself some pre-workout snack and did a long cardio session. I took my shower then invited my baby brother to play with me. We played Subnautica (as usual), and the thing about today was that I was with a bunch of friends. Teth had experience in the game and taught me a bunch of cool stuff. I admire his patience, especially because I was panicking. The Cyclops he made me get kept catching fire, and we were running out of fire extinguishers each time. Very funny. He did tell me that I skipped 200 hours of gameplay and it was time I give it up eventually. I excused myself for a while and went on another call to do my robotics homework. It was pretty easy. I did it in no longer than 20 minutes tops. I went back on the call with the friends I was originally with, and we played Phasmophobia. It was already 1 AM. We spent 3.7 hours on that game, all for the effort and time used to get a single green Easter special card. We were literally losing it. Or maybe it was just me. I became closer to Tony's kind of sort of girlfriend, and she was the nicest. Completely disregarding the fact that I had a 7 AM class tomorrow, it was so worth it.

April 06, 2024

My ankle is still sprained. As much as I wanted to do my runs, the world seems to be rigged and is wishing for my downfall. I'm joking, it's not. Almost everything is turning out well for me, so I really can't complain. I am at peace with everything. I did my workouts first thing since I couldn't exactly go out. I did arms and upper. I ate my breakfast while watching the Beta Squad. They're my current form of entertainment. I played the guitar for some time. I wrote yet another new song. I needed to get some things out of my system before I could continue on with my day. I did my nails as planned. It took way longer than I had expected, and it got frustrating midway. I did my blog for almost the whole afternoon. I skipped lunch unknowingly. Old habits die hard. Dinner came and I ate a pretty decent amount but was still unable to reach my macros. I pair up the calorie intake of a toddler. Why is this so hard for me? I couldn't really do anything because it was already growing late. I did a second workout session just to make myself feel better. And again, played the guitar. A little while after, I messaged a friend asking for help on a certain project I had due on Monday. We started at around 11 PM and an hour later, we still had 0 progress. Time passed by so fast we literally could swear we had just started the call. We were so confused when we saw the time too. We did nothing but laugh our asses off over the stupidest thing and the reason why we couldn't believe how fast time went by, was because we did not even have a single topic. I was trying to draw a grid which failed at multiple times. It was funny. It was still wonky at the end but I couldn't afford being picky after all the time we've wasted. At one point we were arguing about crops and rice (oryza sativa). This project was on coding using a block editor. It's this new robot thing and everything just didn't make sense logically. It did but it was too inconvenient for my liking. The language sucked so much because it literally had no single resource availbale online. Which meant that I had to listen in class. I do not attend classes. Anyway, 20 more minutes later, and I finished the blueprint for my farmer robot. I plan on doing the actual coding protion (which shoudlve been done today if I werent too busy laughing) tomorrow. I need to be up early for tomorrow's run so I can't sleep any later than 12 AM.

April 05, 2024

I have come to the realization that Thursdays could just be a late-safe day. What I mean by that is my first period, which lasts for 2 hours, has a very lenient teacher, and being late would not be an issue. This is great news. I arrived no later than 5 minutes, but I will definitely be taking advantage of this discovery I have made. It's all good because I arrived in style and got myself a perfect score.
We had a bunch of free time again. I was asked to rate a bunch of my friends' boxing matches, which I find very impressive, especially the veteran in the group. He was very agile, and his moves were clean. During our break time, a friend of mine punched me to get my attention, only to tell me he noticed my gains. So, it opened up our usual gym progress talk. It's funny because we talk too much for people who do it for aesthetics and because it feels good. I mean, to be fair, I never really planned for the competitive type or that "big guy" thing. Another friend joined in and talked about his boyfriend who recently started his cut. Her boyfriend will be joining a competition soon, and she's been taking care of him by buying all the macros he needs. I mean, the dude is strict with his 1200. I don't count calories because I'm not trying to develop an eating disorder, but I'll just stop talking. Anyway, we had our play, and I thought we did well. It was perfectly executed by my groupmates, and I'm proud of us. The classroom ended up with blood stains on the floor and walls after all presentations were over, which is concerning, but blame the other group for that.
Brie invited me for a quick hangout at the mall, just like last time. I was experiencing extreme brain fog, and I had no idea why. It must've been the heat getting to me. We ate at McDonald's since she wanted to get one of those Happy Meal things. I ended up spilling a bunch of stuff, which wasn't planned, but it was going to come out one way or another. I've been quiet for long enough. The fire should be out by now. I mean, I laugh about it with Sirko now. After that insane lore vomit, I left Brie dumbstruck and just mad. Yeah, I totally understand her, but again, it's just funny now. I also started feeling this excruciating pain in my ankle region. I know exactly when I tripped and sprained it. I don't know if I can run tomorrow. I dragged Brie to a health food store, and I bought a bunch of protein snacks. I had to. I walked with Brie all the way back to school, then I picked up my baby brother. Still, the sun had no plans of leaving, and I was dying. When I got home, I had a cold shower, then I slept. God, did my ankle hurt when I woke up. I just knew then that there was no way I could recover by 5 AM tomorrow. I quickly got up and got myself dressed to go to the mall for an appointment. I'm still doing laser treatments, which don't really take that long. I am a very high-maintenance person. We went to eat with my family at a Hibachi-style Japanese restaurant. Our chef was pretty nice. Then we watched the Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire movie. It was great. I enjoyed it a lot, and I want to give it a high rating. The CGI was well-made, and it just felt like a refreshing watch. Before going home, I snatched up a bunch of new colors of nail polish. I'm going to try a Shaun the Sheep-inspired nail art tomorrow. I got home, showered, did my workout, then played with my baby brother.

April 04, 2024

I miscalculated the time it would take for me to get ready. I had to look for and iron my polo shirt that I had planned on wearing. Today was our school’s career day, and being a business/accounting student, it was expected that everyone would dress in business attire. I got my schedules mixed up and thought we were having the teacher who’s out to get me as my first subject. I ran a mile to arrive on time for class. I made it, but it turned out we had the nice teacher, so all that effort was in vain. I waited for Skylar and my other groupmate to get to school, and then we started filming. The day went by pretty fast. We had another seminar which I obviously slept through. We had practice one last time, and I went straight home. I had my afternoon nap. Very mandatory as it turns out. I gathered up enough energy from that nap to have quite an extensive workout. I did 100 reps of everything. It was very tiring, but I did find satisfaction in using up my time in a productive way. I ate a lot to regenerate my body, starting with a quick corndog for a snack. I had a beef and an avocado protein shake too, so that’s cool. I occupied the rest of the day making props, our PowerPoint, and guided scripts. My only concern is how much we can pass off the offensiveness aspect of our parody. I allotted an hour to play with my baby brother, and I taught him how to play limbo and Chinese garter. When all was done, I fell asleep.

April 03, 2024

The grass is greener where I'm at. I saw leaves circling a round tire. It wasn’t as cold this morning. It definitely wasn't the most ideal temperature, but I couldn't just skip my run. I need to be consistent, or else I'll lose all the discipline I've worked hard for. I had a lot on my mind during my 5 kilometers. It was on a bunch of random topics and basically just me narrating what I was seeing. I did have this one topic that I genuinely don't think I can think about anymore. I tried to open it up in my head, but I feel like there's nothing left to think about. It was very uncomfortable. My mind has never rejected something so much. I think I should give it a rest. I mean it when I say it was impossible. My mind was going on literal static, and it was just on that one topic. Safe to say that at one point, I got tired of it. It's been such a recurring thing, but now it's shunned away, and I'm just over it. I got back home to my mom's cooking. I had chicken for breakfast, which was so perfect. We're having our class picture day, so I made sure to take my time getting ready. The narcissist in me has resurrected, and everything is going the way I want it to. I feel pretty, and that's a very rare thing that has been happening so often now. I also wore my Lululemon define jacket. My gains are so insane, and I'm starting to understand why gym rats love compression shirts. When I got to school, we took the class picture, and that was about it. One of our classmates snuck alcohol into Sprite bottles. We passed them around, and our whole class was basically under the influence. I was with Brie, Ria, Lane, and Louise during lunchtime. Brie and I were recreating Tony's TikTok for almost half our time, then when we got back with the group, we played with balls. While all this was happening, I was talking in a British accent. I skipped club time but did show up last minute. Since we knew the teacher, we kind of just talked our way out of getting marked as absent. Brie walked with me home, and we talked about my great loss. I can't always win in life, I guess. I took my afternoon nap when I got home.
Some context on the first sentence of this entry: I firmly believe that I make a good situation out of everything. It's not even just that. I know I have this influence that makes people so motivated. I've been told it multiple times too, so this isn't even a baseless claim. I think the best attitude I display is how grateful I am for everything. I mean it. I live a very happy but attainable life. I'm not saying I don't get problems here and there, but I have so much trust in myself, and I just know I can get myself back on track as long as I get to take even just a breath to think. I remember the start of the year starting off with the belief that everyone hated me. And who knows, maybe at the time they did. But it all passed by. I think the root of that was how self-loathing I had gotten then. I hated myself so much that I probably reflected it to everyone else around me. I've always been such a likable person, but for a time, I did feel like an imposter. I'm glad I got over that. But that’s all just footprints in the sand now.

April 02, 2024

I am grinding for my step count. I was running laps around my classroom. They’re all used to it honestly. A tip for having as much confidence as I do is to simply own whatever you're doing. That, and people find me funny, so I'm set. I am behind by a lot because I missed today’s run too. It was on purpose. I needed to catch up on sleep. But it’s okay because I don’t plan on breaking my consistency anytime soon, and at least I'm making up for it. I did some early side quests. I was running around with some friends trying to find a fix for my teacher’s broken shoes. My philosophy teacher sucks. He gives high grades and all, but he definitely did not choose to teach that subject. Maybe he did, I don't know. I’ve been noticing it for quite a while, but to me, he seems very close-minded. He introduced us to determinism, and as a know-it-all, I knew which counters could be used against that philosophical view. So I asked him about his thoughts on quantum mechanics since it suggests that the universe operates with inherent randomness and uncertainty. Basically, Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle. He answered my question in a completely unrelated manner, and trust me, I was listening. I did not dismiss a single point he stated, but even a toddler can clock that he was talking in gibberish. It doesn't matter though. I've only ever met one teacher that has satisfied my curiosity. It was my 10th-grade science teacher. I slept on the floor for the rest of my subjects. The heat surge was insane. I wanted to hibernate and wake up when the weather gets better. Brie and Ria walked me home. Everything felt like an inconvenience with how hot it was to stay outside. I was so close to losing it. When I did eventually get picked up in the car, I cooled down immediately and got back my composure. I ate 2 donuts, filmed a thirst trap, worked out, then showered. I finished up my after-school routine very quickly. My brother cooked a late-night dinner for us, and it was actually pretty edible. I'm joking, it tasted good. All the while he was cooking, I just played the guitar. I went up to my room to go on a call with a friend. We were supposed to finance for our business, but it turns out he had already done everything, and we were on the call for nothing. So I showed him the recent interest I've taken up on airsoft. And I learned how to speak in British too. He finds it crazy how random I am with the things I do, but it really isn't. I have to adjust my next flight’s schedule because my graduation came in the way.
How to find the Big Dipper:
Look up north (on your compass), you'll see a star pattern that looks like a kite with four stars for the body and a handle made of three stars extending from it. This pattern is the Big Dipper, a well-known asterism within the Ursa Major constellation.

April 01, 2024

Happy April Fools! My mind is very disorganized. I can't seem to find a single word in it cohesive enough for me to go off from. My brain train is rusty, and it is closed down for maintenance. I'd be concerned, but I'm giving it a diagnosis of dehydration and I'm just gonna let it be. I gave everyone the gifts I got them from my recent trip. They had a lot of requests. I spent most of today practicing with my groupmates for our parody play. It's actually turning out pretty well, and I'm hoping we set the curve and make everyone else fail. I had lunch with Brie and Lane again. I found out that one of the teachers, who I thought hated me, actually liked me. I was part of the school paper last year, and I completely ditched it. I did have a project last semester, and I was Editor in Chief for our own class' paper. Turns out, he has that paper and has been giving me special mentions and flexing me to his other classes. What a weird turn of events. I also got a hundred in research. Very cool. I don't recall much of what happened today in school anymore besides sleeping on the floor. But after school, I did go to the mall with Brie because I had a particular craving and didn't really have anything else to do. While we were walking, I had the most insane encounter with strangers. I was telling Brie about my lore on how I acquired this fear of lying. Apparently, my story was so interesting that the people in front of us were totally eavesdropping. How do I know this, you might ask? While I was telling the story, I obviously had to reenact some scenarios. It was the funniest thing ever when I started to act out that part of the story, and everyone stopped in their tracks. The two people in front literally paused and looked back, and Brie did too. I started laughing, being like "yo, I didn't know we had an audience" or something along those lines. I swear I need to watch my mouth sometimes. It was intrusive and in the moment. The timing was so comical. I can barely do it justice with this entry. Everyone was laughing, so it was fine. I'm actually such a good storyteller. To think that my voice alone can catch people's attention is awesome. I'd make it big if I were to start a podcast. Anyway, I bought the coconut shake I came for. I needed its protein, so that was that. I followed Brie for a while until I got picked up. I love my recent spontaneous short hangouts with Brie. When I got home, I just watched a bunch of videos till I fell asleep. I paced around to reach my step count goal since it was the least I could do for missing out on my morning run today.