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Februaru 29, 2024

Happy leap day! How is it only Thursday? I don't feel so well. Is it the dehydration? I was planning on doing a couple of blog entries today, but I had to cut it short since my parents had other plans. We went out, and I was just out of the loop. I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know how I can make myself feel better. I’ve been having this gut-wrenching feeling for quite a while now. I don’t know what my problem is. I want to cry and never see anyone ever again. It’s like everyone is making me feel bad about myself. I don’t even have anything to feel bad about. I feel like my brain is about to explode, and I just want to scream. I don’t mean to sound all sad, but what can I do, it’s all I’m thinking about right now. Why do I feel like I'm in the dumps when literally nothing bad is happening? Life could be worse, so I really should stop complaining.
The new month has already crept up as I am writing this blog entry. I'm planning on reading some of Mary Oliver's works before going to sleep.

Februaru 28, 2024

I got home from my flight around midnight. I’m choosing to skip school tomorrow. My room smells like strawberries. I’ve been noticing how nondescriptive I’ve become. I blame it on all the business proposals I’ve been writing. I mean, I know my diary isn’t supposed to be fictional, but I sound so deadpan sometimes. Oh well. I cried before going to sleep. It’s like I can be okay for an entire day, but the moment I hit the bed, I just start feeling bad again. It’s not even because of any external problems; it’s more of an I hate myself kind of problem. When I woke up to start my day, the first thing I did was fix the mess that I left from unpacking last night. I was taking it slowly. I watched this week’s episode of Mashle, then FaceTimed Sirko. We exchanged stories until she grew too sleepy to talk. That’s when I pulled out my stuffed toys and started telling her about the plot of the book I’ve been reading recently. It was basically a bedtime story. I mean, the book itself wasn’t that great. The author is self-published, which I respect, but I couldn't help but notice how she writes "anyways" instead of "anyway," "Rubix" instead of "Rubik’s," and other minor grammatical errors, but I was eating the plot up. I was definitely self-inserting because the story was hitting a bit too close to home. I met new people too. I joined my friend’s VC in Discord, and they introduced me to some girls. We had a pretty funny engagement. I also found out that they actually already knew me. Cool. Evening came, and I was invited to eat out with my family. That included my aunt and cousin, whom I was just with during our trip to Thailand. The table was filled with stories that were kind of concerning but funny at the same time. It all seems so long ago. It was a lot too.

Februaru 27, 2024

Double Trouble chocolate chip cookie. I love cookies. They make everything feel a little better. I feel like I can fix aloof my problems as long as I have a cookie on my hand. I’m strictly talking about the freshly bakes ones though. I’ve been eyeing this one cookie shop that we walk by almost every morning and decided that today was the day I get one. Best decision ever. It was so good. We’ve checked out of our hotel. Today ends the short trip in this country. We had our breakfast at the first restaurant we went to gere which was Tailing Pling if I’m not mistaken, then we also looked for a few items. They wanted to go back to that one blindbox store. Onour ride to the airport, I invented this new invisible phone game with my baby brother. It was so lame that it was actually funny. We had Burger King before the flight and I read a book in the plane. I had a hard time sleeping but the plane ride’s duration was bareable.

Februaru 26, 2024

People seem to lack a sense of personal space. One particularly common scenario that displays this is when we're standing in lines. I can't stand it when people push. We're all heading in the same direction, so what's with the rush? I understand that some people might be pressed for time, but that's different. Pushing isn't exactly appropriate when you're waiting in the same line with the same purpose as everyone else. Take, for instance, finding your seat on a plane. Seats are assigned, no one's going to steal yours, and we're all departing at the same time. So, why the need to push? The same goes for lines in canteens. You can't hurry up the waiting process; there's a reason we're in line. You can't wait faster because that's the whole point of waiting. Why do people feel the urge to push? It's one of my biggest pet peeves. Our first stop of the day was the Grand Palace, but it was so packed and there was no air circulation. After getting tickets, we entered and took pictures, while my baby brother was throwing temper tantrums. Eventually, we gave up on today’s itinerary. We were supposed to visit a bunch of temples, but we discarded all those plans for very obvious reasons. It was either that or face unbearable heat (death), so it was an easy decision. Our driver did show us one temple that wasn’t as packed. We checked it out at the entrance, then went back to the car. I’m pretty sure the temperature felt like, if not literally was, 40 degrees Celsius. So the day was spent indoors. I’m not complaining. I love malls. But before going around, we had to eat. I had the best Wagyu I’ve ever tasted. I can’t exactly verify that review since it was my first meal of the day after going through a near-death experience. A bit too dramatic, but I genuinely felt like I was evaporating into thin air. It was so hot. Shortly after, we went shopping. I actually visited two Sephoras. But I didn’t really get anything except for an item for myself and two more for my friends’ overdue birthday gifts. We walked around some more. They bought stuff, I followed, I showed them directions to certain shops they wanted to check out, and that was basically our day. My baby brother wanted to get tickets for the Sea Life Bangkok Ocean World thing, but when we got there, it was already closing down. He was so sad. I mean, it must’ve been a horrible day for him. Earlier at the Grand Palace, I taught him the lesson of regret - how he can’t do anything about not doing something in the past. Basically, I was showing him some gold statues that I found pretty interesting. Those in which he paid little attention to when we were there. Once once we passed them, he begged to see them. It wasn’t his fault since our mom forbid him to go with me, but he did previously get permission, so he took that as betrayal. He was crying so much. Then I lectured him over how it’s all too late and he can cry all he wants, but he can never take back the experience that he lost and all that. We had our dinner at that Nara place we always pass by. For the first time, I saw the insides of an escalator, then we went back to our hotel. I actually had another fight with my baby brother. He was sulking (and sobbing) because I told him I didn’t trust him anymore. He’s a very sensitive person. I felt so bad. But he has to learn his lesson one way or another.

Februaru 25, 2024

Got myself ready before 8:30 AM. We arranged for service last night and we have a couple of things planned out. It’s leaning more towards tourist spots and activities since it’s my aunt and cousin’s first time here in Thailand. I think it’s my 4th time already. We had an hour-long ride to the floating market. Then once there, the boat ride tour for the floating market package itself took us around two hours. We also visited the coconut sugar farm and temple inside. The person driving our boat was doing fast runs. It felt nice. I have no idea why I sound like I'm objectively describing my day but, continuing on. We ate at a nearby restaurant. I feel like whenever the weather’s hot, everyone gets too aggravated. I like to calm everyone down. I speak softer and remind them to chill out. Joining in with the heat of the weather wouldn’t really change it. But this also applies to things that aren't just weather-related. People should learn how to make decisions calmly. I am very epic. My memory is actually so easily accessible. I’m saying this because of how good I am with plate numbers too. It’s not an intentional thing too. We went to the elephant riding thing again which I quickly passed up on. Again, I can't really support animal cruelty. Sue me. The ride back to the city took a while. It was a good thing since I needed to cool my head. I slept the whole time. I even had to shift positions halfway through because I was getting pretty stiff in my previous one. I mean, the ability to fall asleep even in weird positions can be convenient, but god do they hurt. We decided to visit Chatuchak too. Apparently, it was going to close down for tomorrow because of a holiday, so we kind of had to visit now. So we bought a few items. I didn’t get that much. I got like 2 heart necklaces for me and Sirko and a phone case. It was a very exhausting day. I blame the weather for it. Returning back, we dropped off our stuff and went back to the mall to try out this Thai restaurant. We also shopped some more and I even got to go to my absolute favorite place ever. The bear section of the toys and stationery floor. Almost half of the stuffed toys in my bed are from here. They have so many cute little clothes and accessories for the stuffed toys too. It’s the most adorable thing ever. I love my children so much. Moments after, they went grocery shopping and while waiting, I got myself a donut.
I am proofreading my blogs on my phone and I have way too many typos and words I forget to delete. My bad. I swear I'm smart. At least I figured out that I can actually edit my blog using my phone. This discovery would’ve been handy some time ago.

Februaru 24, 2024

No singular train of thought inside my head. It is way too early to be thinking. Well, in all honesty, I can think of one thing. Just one, and that I will not be disclosing. I found myself in the airport lounge a little while after waking up. Quick observation: I feel like I do things in a very unorthodox manner. That might stem from my behavioral germaphobia. This seriously goes way back, but I've managed to find myself ways around it. I'm not diagnosed, but all my friends know of it and are all very accommodating of this quirk I have. I slept through my whole flight. I'm back in Thailand. Bangkok, specifically. We're staying at the same hotel we've been to 2 years ago. This is like one of my top-ranked ones. I think. It's almost up to par (but still not quite) with the one we stayed at in Dubai and Hawaii. We had a suite so that's convenient. I even had an encounter where a staff brought (pushed) us to the backrooms because apparently, the king was either staying or passing by. But he was at the hotel for sure. Everyone was in a state of panic. We genuinely had no idea what was happening. The king in Thailand is kind of a big thing. His face is plastered everywhere after all. I heard someone took pictures of him in another country and that dude got sentenced for over 25 years in prison. There's this golf cart chaperone service thing that does rounds from our hotel to Siam Paragon. It's like a minute ride. It's that close. Literally the best thing ever. I somehow still have the places memorized. If it's not already stored in my brain, it takes me like a single glance at any location and I can immediately locate it. Whenever I'm traveling, they always compliment my big brain. Anyway, we went to the mall and took in the area. We ate at the Gourmet Eats food hall area then went back to the hotel. We rested since we had just got here. Then we visited the Jodd Fair thing. It was pretty cool. It was like a night/food market area. But it was so incredibly hot. It felt like we were inside an oven. Even the draft of the air was like burning. So our little trip there didn't last long. We had no choice but to go back to the hotel. It was pretty late anyway. My baby brother was so funny. So for some background information, our hotel has this AI system and it's basically like an Alexa. My baby brother talked to it the whole night.
When I was finally left alone, I started sobbing. I saw something and it broke me down. I opened up (I know, wow) to Brie and she helped me with a few things.
As it has completely skewed my view on romance, I am claiming my spot as Love, Rosie's biggest hater. I vowed to Sirko that I'd never watch One Day, rumored to be worse that theLove, Rosie. But what do I have to lose? The hopeless romantic happily ever after pipeline is way too unrealistic. At least my chances of experiencing that have already gone down the drain. So I've shifted a few things in mindset and will now rely less on hope and more on what I see at face value. It might be simpler this way. So yeah, I'm watching One Day.
Have you ever had a kid pulling multiple double takes on you? Her eyes were like stuck on me for a while. Isn't that cool?

Februaru 23, 2024

I have a quiz first period, and I'm about to miss it. I overslept, and it was not intentional this time. My alarm clock didn’t work. I made it 30 minutes past the first hour of the class and still somehow made it in time just before the quiz started. In fact, there was enough allowance for me to rest and catch my breath. After that, I was out. Like, passed out. I think I got a perfect score. But I slept for 2 more classes, and literally nobody woke me up. I managed to sleep through even one of the strict teachers. She didn't seem to mind. I’m literally Karma from Assassination Classroom. For our theology class, we were tasked to draw our birth saints. My birthday is on 6th of December. I got St. Nicholas, lucky because I literally wrote a play about him 2 months ago. I drew a realistic portrait of him for about 5 minutes, wrote up some facts, and I submitted. I was the first one to finish, and I used the rest to sleep some more. During our English class, we were partnered up to dissect and annotate a given song lyric. We were given a text-oriented approach interpretation for some song I didn't know, which we traded up for a context-oriented approach interpretation of Olivia’s "Can't Catch Me Now." I was pretty quiet today. It rose up a couple of questions. Like why was I quiet? Was something wrong? People genuinely believed I was acting out of character. I honestly don't know the reason for my silence either. Leaving school, I was picked up by my Japanese extension of the family waiting inside the car. They're my absolute favorite. We went to the mall and bought a couple of items, then we ate lunch. We shared and exchanged fun stories. The waiting time for the food was pretty long, but we were having a good time, and time eventually went by. When I got home, they (the rest of my family) talked until midnight while I kept my baby brother company. We played his favorite game on my PC, Subnautica. I also introduced him to midnight snacks and made him try peanut butter for the first time. I have to pass on the sibling midnight snacks tradition somehow. It’s kinda sad though. I don't want to experience having my last meal with my siblings. I’ll for sure visit our house often even when I’m in college. While he had that, I made myself a full meal. I was hungry, okay? Then before going to sleep, I watched an episode of Mashle and packed my things as I do have a flight tomorrow.

Februaru 22, 2024

I skipped my first class today. We didn't really have that much workload. We had an essay contest and another essay activity back to back. The rest of the day was spent on filming for our music video, which was quite the challenge. Our filming location was incredibly muddy, and we even had to improvise to create artificial rain. It's turning out pretty well so far. During our last class, I struggled against the ever-persistent sleepiness that haunts me daily. I'm noticing that I actually receive compliments almost every day. I'm very flattered and grateful for that. But also, I do a lot of stupid things and receive pretty hurtful (hurtful as a sensitive person) feedback in return. I can't exactly evaluate my overall mood today. After classes, I walked home with Skylar and some other acquaintances. I also had my orthodontist appointment, so I had to get that over with quickly before returning home.
It's February 22, which means it's Sirko's 18th birthday. I waited until her timezone’s 12 AM to greet her, just like she did for me on my birthday. We called an hour prior to that and almost missed the countdown. Good thing I made sure to set my alarm. Our word of the day is "ugly," but I won't provide any context. Our phrase of the day is "it’s not that deep," because it never is. I think we’ve both simultaneously entered the phase where we’re prioritizing the best option in a current situation at all times with little regard to what will happen in the future or what has happened in the past. I mean, if we don’t live now then when will we? I like to believe that we have pretty well-thought-out paths, and as long as we know our goal, we can lower the chances of getting lost in life. We talked about how people have been mean to us, but somehow it doesn't bother us as much anymore, unlike how it would have a year ago. We also talked about our fumbles, her fumble most specifically. She made the biggest fumbles in the history of all fumbles. I was literally devastated when I heard the story. Her fumble broke me more than my breakup. We had to end the call sooner or later since she had classes tomorrow. I was home alone for the rest of the evening. I did an hour of slow-paced and interrupted studying. It might not be enough, but I'm hopeful it'll suffice for a perfect score. Hoping I don't forget anything.

Februaru 21, 2024

I've been liking vegetables. I look for them in all my meals now. My cousin from Japan got me a haul of stuffed toys, which was adorable. With a day off from school, I was free to do whatever I wanted. It was great, but I found myself feeling too anxious to partake in any of my usual hobbies. I felt like I'd run out of time. Instead, I spent those free hours writing in my blog and playing with my baby brother. After a while, my parents invited me to join them out. My dad was going to an art auction and my mom just wanted to shop. I couldn’t not tag along. We went there and grabbed lunch first. I had carbonara. Then, we went our separate ways. One thing that I noticed was that every clothing store ever is falling off. Everything is actually so lame. I didn’t end up buying anything besides that one multipen from Muji, which I always get when I see it. I study so much that I find myself running out of ink frequently. After an hour of walking around, my mom and I were done. We waited in a coffee shop, where I got myself a chocolate pecan bar that turned out to be way too sweet for me.
Whenever I have any free time, regardless of when it happens to come up, I have this tendency to surf the internet for blogs. With that, I’ve been finding a bunch of cool websites that actually have a pretty great community. Some of those being: Listography, Dreamwidth, and Heyspace. I honestly want to join all of them, but I’ll see.

Februaru 20, 2024

I swear I have clairvoyance in my dreams. This has been happening for quite a decent amount of time now, but I always dream about fixing a future problem. So, a problem I’d encounter a few hours into the future, I have this recognition of how to solve it because I already dreamt about it. Pretty cool, right?
I got to school before my first class had started, but our classroom was empty. I called our class president, but his phone was off. I called Skylar, and he wasn’t even in school. He was called for an interview for his top pick college. I’m proud of him. He did tell me to look for the rest of the class in other parts of the campus because he figured they’d be filming. They were. Thanks for that. We filmed for a bit and all collectively went back to our classroom just before our first class. We had our lectures, then the quiz I missed literally a month ago was moved yet again. Had another free subject we used for filming then I slept for my research class hour. I combined 2 chairs and turned them into a makeshift bed. I joined Brie during lunchtime, and her friend was with us too. I accompanied them while they conducted their observation study for a research paper and talked about some gossip.
I've been pretty loud lately. It might be because of how loud my thoughts have been too. There's a parallel increase between my external volume and the intensity of my internal dialogue. There's this huge amount of sadness waiting to wash over me at any given moment, and it’s scaring me.
I got home and played hide and seek with my baby brother. I cleaned myself up, did my blog, slept, then got accused. More context on that, I was defending my case for over an hour. They were 100% just poking fun at me, but that was very exhausting. I did a cover with piano accompaniment of "Want You Back" by Maisie Peters too. I wasted most of my time with that. I have a submission deadline at 11:59 PM for the business proposal in our class, and I just finished creating a concept design blueprint and putting together a BMC narrative. I clutched it.
I arrived at a conclusion about a few things. I might be even lower than what I thought was my lowest point. I’m experiencing a different kind of pain. One that confirms that everything leads back to me. I was talking to this dude, but I was just not having it.
I want to call you, but I have nothing left to tell you.
I know that so so well, but the impulse to contact you was so strong. As per my unwritten instruction manual, I referred back to your February 1 journal entry. It’s the only closure I’ll ever need.
I never knew how to love. Telling you that directly doesn’t change the fact that I was horrible at it. Being aware of my faults never compensated for how you must’ve felt when you were with me. Because you never deserved that and I’m nothing more but sorry.
I guess I’m crying because I’m piecing together that to let someone love me would be unkind. I will never put someone in that position ever again.
It’s a hard thing to accept. But deep down, I always knew. I’ve always known.

Februaru 19, 2024

I got out of bed like a normal person today. Considering that I was up until very late last night, I do not feel the side effects of it. My body didn't feel weighed down, nor did it have a hard time picking itself up. The only evidence of my lack of sleep last night was the deep bags under my eyes. My tongue hurts. My brother once shared with me a fun fact about tongues. He explained that under certain circumstances, the tongue could be bitten off if not for the subconscious inhibitory mechanisms and sensory feedback loops that prevent it. I live in constant fear of this. Yesterday I encountered a close call. I was eating too fast and accidentally bit too hard. Now there’s a cut under my tongue that’s reminding me of my own stupidity.
I got to school late because what should’ve been a 5-minute drive turned into a 50-minute one due to the incredibly slow traffic. My first class set me off so early in the morning. My teacher was like throwing shady comments at me. I stared at the floor and just felt disappointment. It was hypocritical because she was explaining how in a workplace, it’s not ethical to spread rumors and bring down other people by calling them out in public. Then she gave an example of what not to do by pulling me down the ropes. I didn’t mind it as much. I’m not the type of person you can get a reaction out of. I don’t know what her deal is honestly.
Skylar has been helping me with the aftermaths of my recent breakup. Today, he suggested that I live life a little and play with this one dude he’s been setting me up with. Unfortunately, I had to pass up on that offer. I don’t plan on making any good guys bad in this lifetime. I’ve watched Megamind. I’d rather heal organically. Hard, but bearable. I’ve been doing so well. After that, I pestered Skylar for like a solid minute with a request. He politely declined and apparently I was very expressive with my response. He asked me why I was sulking and laughed at me. Rhett messaged me and Skylar about the consequences of his actions. An action I am also guilty of repeatedly committing. After submitting the confirmation of seeing the notices of written warnings he has gotten, he was given community service. He told me to just not submit mine so they’d forget about it eventually.
I watched Anyone But You with Ria. The movie made me feel like I was so in love. I thought I’d lost the part of me that has always been a hopeless romantic. I think it disappeared when I figured I wasn’t the exception. I was so careful with love. I actually believed that I’d marry my first in everything. Thank the books and movies for that. Instead, I’m repeating the whole plot of the worst movie I’ve ever watched. Love, Rosie. If there are no Love, Rosie haters to exist, then that would mean that I’m dead. I hated how they miscommunicated, I hated how they kept on missing each other by a strand of hair, I hated how the slowburn wasn’t worth it, I hated the wasted time, and I hated that they ruined each other’s lives. But back to the current movie I was watching with Ria, it was so good that I was blushing and tearing up. It was so good. The only thing I didn’t like was when I saw Jonathan (my baby) kissing Margaret (I hate her).
For the first time ever, I experienced a wedding fever. I wanted to get married. I know I have a long history of loathing marriages, but it’s different now. I really want to marry. It’s unlikely that it would happen with me, but I want it. Isn’t it interesting that someone so against marriage with over a gazillion arguments on why marriage sucks is now planning her own marriage? I planned out my wedding with Ria and later, with Anthony. It’s perfect. Around 3 AM, I studied (I’ve been procrastinating). Then I sobbed myself to sleep because I was so incredibly tired.

Februaru 18, 2024

After spending an extensive and tedious amount of time transferring my drafts from Google Docs to Neocities, I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and say that I'm done. Despite having assignments due today, they remain on hold, and honestly, can you really blame me? My blog is very high up on my priorities. My eyes are hurting. I don't think I can afford taking a nap right at this very moment though. I had a bunch of snacks today so that's one thing I'm grateful for. I had this vague dream about a person. He was apologizing. He was repeatedly telling me how he hadn't always been there for me. Weird. I found this website called Status.cafe. I'm trying to register for an account, and there seems to be a bit of a waiting period, so I'm patiently waiting. I love the community so much, and I've already discovered many people who do daily blogs like me! It's so exciting. I can't wait to get verified.
As time passed by, I was met with the limited option of having to decide for the future ahead of me. It was to either do my homework or fail. I did both the overdue work in less than no time. I got on the phone with a friend and we kept each other company. We both agreed on doing the homework together. But we ended up procrastinating mutually and putting it off until the very last minute of the day. We had to make a movie poster for the narrative of our life. After that, I made him a deal and managed to make him help me with my Business Model Canvas. See, the submission was supposedly today, but there was just no way I’m making it.

Februaru 17, 2024

Uploading the drafts I had in my Google Docs took a lot longer than I had anticipated. I spent almost the entire day transferring and proofreading almost two and a half months' worth of blog entries. I had two assignments I didn’t get to do because I really badly wanted to finally catch up with my blog entries this very day. Around midnight, my classmate called me to help them with the concept paper for our music video. I briefly made a storyboard for that and wrote again in my no-contact notebook. I think I stopped writing in it about two weeks ago, possibly. I actually filled it up more than halfway through the last time I regularly wrote in it. Literally just 2 weeks into the breakup and I already filled up an entire notebook. I figured I should write on it now so when the 20th comes, which marks an official month of our breakup, I’d be done with the notebook. I’d stop writing about you so often in my online blog too. I’ve been doing so well. I mean, you’re a thought that still relentlessly lingers around my head in every decision I make even up until now. But I’m not acting on it. I’m trying my best to convince myself that this is for the better. I haven't cried at all this week. I’m doing okay. I stayed up late today. I watched "Anyone But You" with Ria. I was literally pacing and jumping around my room at some scenes. It was so good. We didn’t get to finish it because Ria was falling asleep. I can't wait to watch the rest of it.

Februaru 16, 2024

I’m resuming my mech studies. I’m not the best at it yet, but it’s decent enough. I still need to expand the mech library in my brain so I can freehand them eventually. I spent some time with that for a while, then wrote summary notes for my philosophy class. I don’t know what to expect with the tests we’ll probably have soon, and it’s freaking me out. The discussions have been too vague, and there isn’t an exact formula for the answers. I reckon they’re too subjective to be answered objectively. Other than that, I spent every free second of this day writing my blog entries. It went well. I’m all caught up, with a few exceptions on some dates that I find too difficult to write. The ones in the drafts I’m leaving out are actually almost done; they just need a bit of polishing. But I can’t exactly find it in myself to touch those entries yet. With that being said, I should be able to upload all my blog entries by tomorrow. Hopefully.
I had an appointment for my monthly girl maintenance thing today. It was a quick errand. I bought a new piece of clothing while I was at it too. After that, I blog surfed for a decent amount of time. I came across this website called Write.as, and I’ve been devastated over this one user’s daily logs and updates since. He was wishing his son a happy birthday while apologizing for being a semi-absent and not enough father. His son is currently 4, and the fact that he probably will never be able to read what his father wrote on this website is killing me. I also now have newfound resentment over people whose names start with E. The E’s in the blogs I’ve been reading have been going around and breaking everyone’s heart. So horrible.
I was actually supposed to be in prison today for a school program, but my parents didn’t allow me. I’m having a good time at home though so I don’t really mind it as much.
Before I went to sleep, I found myself drawing this dude I have a crush on. This is a direct reference to my blog entry from November 26, 2023.

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Februaru 15, 2024

I wore a bow on my hair today. It’s been a while. I received another notice for my absences. Yikes. I had school today. I had to do more directing and work on more product pitches. We still haven’t gotten anything approved yet. I don’t feel so well. Not in a physically worn-out way, but in a very uneasy way that something feels wrong. There’s this inside joke about hangers in class going around at the moment, and I decided to join in. As a joke, I offered yet another hanger pitch, and it was funny at first, until I think I might’ve annoyed the know-it-all in class. See, this joke actually got chosen to be put forward for submission. We had a show of hands, and those who were serious with their product designs didn’t exactly get chosen. To be fair, the know-it-all’s idea has already been done, like that eco project about reusable paper. As a stationery enthusiast, I know for sure that it’s already existing in the market. But I can’t help but think, in every vote, I always win by a landslide. I know I maintain a very likable character in social settings, but is that affecting the voters’ decisions that much? I asked my friends if the product I made up as a joke was really all that, and they all agreed it was good. In complete honesty, I do think mine was better. It’s just that I didn’t even try, and even I know I can do much more. Skylar likes to remind me every day that people actually like me and I don’t need to act like I’m hated by the world. That’s good to know at least. I was in charge of the aux in class for all our free times. I got another perfect score on my literature test. After dismissal, I had to wait for my baby brother, and I had just about the worst car experience ever. It was so hot, and since I didn’t have a shirt under my hoodie, I was forced to suffer under the intense heat rays of the sun. When I got home, I immediately passed out. I had a nightmare. It was horrible. I didn’t have homework, so I spent the rest of my night studying machine parts for my mech drawings.

Februaru 14, 2024

Happy Valentine's Day! Despite my yearly snide remarks about Valentine's Day being a commercial holiday, I still participate in the consumerism of items with hearts in them. I can't help it; I have a soft spot for Valentine's Day. My favorite book as a child was about Cupid and Death having a switcheroo. That, and my favorite pastime was watching compilations of Ever After High's C.A. Cupid (especially the whole third-wheel thing with Dexter and Raven). I wish I had someone to address a letter to so I could sign it off with "from your Valentine." To commemorate some dude I couldn't care less about, who was beheaded by some grumpy emperor (totally Claudius) in the 3rd century, just for historic accuracy's sake. He deserves recognition, okay?
I came to school wearing white, unaware of the color policies for today. Apparently, the color of your shirt corresponds to your relationship status. Luckily, I wore a color that didn't have any cringe-worthy meaning. It was a very chaotic day. We didn't really have any classes; everyone's classroom doors were open. I remember seeing some people wearing those "I love my girlfriend" T-shirts too. There were a few confessions (and rejections) that I witnessed, and of course, there were traces of petals everywhere.
The only academic-related thing I had to do for today was to come up with yet another product pitch and take the floor to explain the flow of the music video our class is collaborating on. I went around and gave chocolates to my friends, and received some too. I remember that in one of the classrooms I went to, the teacher full-on flexed on how smart I was. Ego boost. I gave the flowers I arranged for Ria and Brie, and we hung out for lunchtime. There was another lunch concert being hosted, and we stayed there for a while. The band playing was foul for the song they played. Lane and another friend also joined us. I bought flowers for my baby brother. Earlier this morning, on our way to school, he asked for green flowers (there are no green flowers that I know of), so he changed it to yellow. And I got him those.
I skipped club and joined the school’s dance team instead. I just watched them practicing and sat at a corner with a few of my other friends. I guess I just preferred their club’s location. Right before I was about to leave school, I received a cookie. Why am I separating this from the other chocolates I got? I wonder. No but actually, I hate rejecting nice guys. He’s a good-looking guy too. But I really am not interested at the moment. I got home, gave my baby brother his flowers; which he then gave to mom (it was so cute), studied for a Literature test I have tomorrow, then wrote a poem themed around Pride and Prejudice for homework.

Februaru 13, 2024

It's Skylar’s birthday. I spent a decent amount of time looking for pictures and memories we had together so I could post them for an Instagram story greeting. I went to school, and again, did absolutely nothing. Skylar did tell me something worth noting. He mentioned how people would greet him online but walk past him in the halls, and it was stupid. That same concept applies to a lot of things. While the online disinhibition effect might not be the main culprit, especially considering there's no anonymity in personal messages, it does hint at a much simpler problem: the evident decline in actual human connection. I don’t mean this in a shallow way. It’s just that I’ve noticed a pattern in how often people just go on their phones whenever they’re interacting with anyone. And I don't mean to sound overly dramatic about it, but it's a daily observation that weighs on my mind. It’s something that irks me constantly. But I do understand that it's not entirely their fault. I’m downplaying it with how I’m expressing my disappointment right now, but I do find the disconnection in everyone very concerning.
School went by pretty quickly. We had discussions about finance, I made concept frames for the music video, then we had PE (lots of running). Also, Skylar is trying to set me up with this dude. I said something very out of pocket in return. The dude is actually pretty cool. I’m just not looking for anything right now.
After school, I had Galentines with Ria. We went to the mall and stopped by the grocery to buy some chocolates, ribbons, and flowers too. I got very specific with the items I bought. I only had one thing in my mind (my ex, obviously). Is it bad that I was buying his favorites with the full intent of giving them to someone else? Probably. I really only have two friends, so it wasn’t that hard. From there on, we decided to fill our stomachs up and had a feast. I ate pretty quickly. We talked and saw Lane passing us by. Yes, she’s a returning character. We actually made up and had Galentines together. She admitted her dumb decisions from when she was in a very unhealthy relationship. What can I say, I am never wrong. I had so much fun. I love my friends so much.
I got home, emptied my pockets, worked out, then slept. The usual. Fast forward to midnight, I was rereading some of my old conversations with my ex (and his letters too), as one does, I know, how stereotypical. But it's different. I wasn’t sad about it. I didn't cry. I just read it with genuine awe and a smile on my face. Like all that really happened and I’m convinced it was real. Maybe I was too late, but maybe it was just never meant to happen. Nonetheless, each moment I spent with him will always be held in high regard. Okay, I should probably confess that I’m writing all this still wearing his hoodie and boxers. I don’t think it’s a crime to miss your ex. I’m literally just grateful that we had something special even for a short amount of time. I arranged the flowers I got for my friends and paired them with the chocolates I got. I was listening to "Don't Think it Over" from the "Invitation to Her’s" album. I’m excited for Valentine's tomorrow.

Februaru 12, 2024

But I’m all good out here. I have been listening to "American Teenager" (Gracie Abram’s cover) on repeat for quite a while now, but today, there was not a single second wasted where I didn’t have that song in the background. I’m turning my “do not disturb” settings back on. If you’re caught up with my blogs, you can take a wild guess as to why it’s been off for a while. I’m starting to enjoy my own company again. My circumstances have not been that kind to me, but I’m learning some ways and tricks around it. Today was great. Our first class was basically Shark Tank if it were in a school setting. We were asked to submit pitches for innovative products. The only flaw with this is that ideas aren't usually conjured on the spot out of thin air. There was definitely some pressure. Needless to say, I made very few contributions. My mind was elsewhere. I was drafting my own product proposal. It's called the Lifespan: A locket designed to assist you in case you're met with moments of peril. In an unpredictable world, you'll never know when the next life-threatening event will occur. In fact, right at this very moment, you are in danger. The locket has three main components, each with varying assembly options. It contains a Morse code functionality that can be integrated into the necklace chain, an accordion-style paper within the locket, or a folded paper insert. When you get kidnapped, trust me, you're gonna need this. Next, the locket itself covers double as a dropper, with the extruded chosen design (could be a heart, a star, or whatever shape you want) housing a concealed cyanide compartment. Lastly, with more room for other upcoming features, a detachable mini knife which is a practical tool for hundreds of situations, like cutting ropes, leaving behind DNA traces, and much more. I also took it upon myself to create demand, which translates to hiring assassins and kidnappers to track you down until you buy a Lifespan.
My outfit of the day received a lot of compliments. The only thing I wore was a pretty basic long-sleeve top and low-waisted pants. There was nothing special or new about it. For our research class, we had to conduct a room-to-room survey. However, our classroom-hopping activity turned into a recruitment for people who want to cut classes. I was with Rhett and Skylar. It’s been a while since we’ve last hung out. I remember back in 8th grade, we had this strict rule where we couldn't stay inside our classrooms during lunchtime. There'd be this group of people who were basically hallway monitors but a lot more serious with their jobs. We used to purposely go to where they were and run from them, even hide in bathroom stalls, all just for the thrill of it. I mean, the last time I was out with them was when we went doorbell ditching. I miss having friends. I’m glad that of all changing things, they’re the few that I can confidently say will never change. I was genuinely happy with them. Anyway, I got another perfect score in theology test. On my way home, I did catch someone taking a sneaky picture of me. I have no idea who he is and that was definitely weird. And no, this isn’t a baseless claim. Like I actually caught him. I eventually got home and watched the direct movie sequel for Fullmetal Alchemist (2003). It wasn’t the best, but I guess the ending salvaged it enough for me not to rate it the lowest possible rating. I worked out, slept, showered, then ended my day.
Skylar asked me for some advice today. The world is returning to its balance.

Februaru 11, 2024

Breakfast was nice. It’s been a while since I’ve last seen a bird fly through my windows. Have I ever even witnessed it? I like to think that I have. It’s finding its way through my memories. I hope my memory of that isn’t a fluke. I think it’s funny. They look dumb, but it’s not their fault they can't conceptualize windows. I finished Fullmetal Alchemist (2003) today. Needless to say, I definitely enjoyed the series. I had a few moments where I felt the ratings were threatened, but the plot quickly resolved those. The ending was satisfying enough. The reviews I previously read comparing this anime with its remake are obstructing my opinion about this series as a whole. Still, I rated it a 9 on MAL. That’s high for someone like me. I had a couple of naps distributed throughout the day. I still have that lingering sleepiness from my restless days. It feels heavy on the chest. A very relentless fatigue. I studied a bit too. I only had a total of 2 hours worth of focused studying. I took a bunch of breaks in between. I procrastinated a lot. For one, I decided to do my Valentine's nails. That took me way more time than I allotted for my studies. But I’m not that worried. Somehow, I’ve managed to be a lot more efficient with how I study. I found the limit of this obsessive need to memorize everything by heart and where I can say that I’ve memorized the whole topic enough to get a perfect grade. It was never that deep. But I am thankful that I had those hours of endless study sessions back then. At least I can confidently say that I have the discipline for it.
I feel stupid. I cried myself to sleep again. I reread a couple of old conversations I had with my ex and I couldn’t help but start sobbing. I was barely catching my breath. I had a hard time supplying my system with enough oxygen. Isn’t that weird? Maybe I did mean it when I used to tell him that I needed him. It’s okay, I’ll get over it.

Februaru 10, 2024

I can’t find a resolution. I don’t even know what my problem is, but it's another day of feeling uneasy. I left my ex a message last night, as I do almost every single day. But the difference is that I left this last one overnight. Much to say is that when I woke up, it remained unacknowledged. I’m not just testing my luck anymore; I’m forcing something that might as well be as good as never happening. The purple in my hair is not purple enough. I got my hair dye and made it more saturated the first thing in the morning. My hands are purple. I'm still fully immersed in watching my anime of the week, Fullmetal Alchemist (2003), and I've read some of the reviews on MAL. They suggest that the grass is greener on the other side (2009 version). I actually already find this show really awesome as it is. The idea that something could be better than this is crazy to me. I can't evaluate the anime as a whole yet, but I'm already nearing the end of the series. Just a few more episodes to go. If there’s anything I do know about this anime, it’s that it’s causing me to jump around and literally scream into a pillow. I did some of my blog entries and called it a night. I was just resting the whole entire day. I’m gonna change a few things in my routine to get rid of this constant sleepiness soon. I’m starting to get myself back on track again.
In no particular order, these are the thoughts that are currently circulating around my mind. I’m gonna take it easy. I am taking it easy. I don’t want to come off too much. I hope I’m not too much. I’m trying my best not to reach out. I hate that I’m trying. I should know better. The risk of never talking to you ever again scares me each time we end our small talks. At some point today, I found myself stuck. Your scent lingered for a moment, and I refused to move. I don’t like that I’m losing you repeatedly throughout the day. Like when I have to leave Raccoon and Bird in bed because I actually have to get up. Or when I look for your messages but don’t ever find them.
You broke no contact. You wanted to see how I was. I’m right where you left me. You should’ve figured as much as that

Februaru 09, 2024

I wake up uneasy day after day. You’re all I’ve dreamt about recently. I’m scrambling through my bed to find my phone, scared that I’ve forgotten to delete every message I sent you last night. I always make sure to send you one when I know you’re awake. I’m not going against all odds here; I’m testing out my luck in a likely situation. While everyone has already completed their daily tasks, I'm just getting up to kick-start mine. I did my routine, went on my phone (a habit I thought I had gotten rid of), then went downstairs for lunch. I spent the rest of the day watching Fullmetal Alchemist (2003). The rule I’m implementing for today is that for each episode I watch, there will be a 1:1 counterpart in my blog. It’s under the Law of Equivalent Exchange. I’m an alchemist now. I’m like Kirby whenever I’m watching an anime. I turn into what I watch or something. My brother is going home today. It’s been such a long time. My baby brother is waiting for him by the door. He wants to show him his new hiding spot, which he has turned into his little headquarters. When my brother did arrive, we actually had a hard time finding my baby brother. It was so funny. I had my daily afternoon sleep as if I didn’t just wake up. I watched more anime and did my blog entries to occupy the time. At the day's end, I met with my brother in the kitchen for the usual midnight snacks we have. Same old sibling routine. He cooked some noodles we always crave, then he made me wash my share of the dishes. All the while, he was telling me his college stories and how corrupt and horrible the world is.
My mistakes are haunting me. How do I make it stop? I slept at 3 AM hoping for something I’m not even quite sure of anymore.

Februaru 08, 2024

Here’s my current situation: I have a test starting in a few minutes, and I have already missed my first class. I’m convinced that I can make it. I quickly got up, got ready within 30 minutes, then shut the car door beside me. I did make it. I took the Economics test, and I think I did pretty well. I’m expecting a perfect grade when the paper is returned. I mean, I noticed so many errors in the test that my teacher was forced to give us a bunch of bonus points. Is it a crime to be smart? I'm so sure of my mastery in this subject that I would have to question the test before I question myself. Besides, the labeling for the intercept and slope was wrong. It might be written differently (in economic terms) but it’s the same exact formula of the one we all know of. That itself was wrong; the other given numbers were absurdly wrong too. How can something be linear if the following number for it is greater than the one before? Anyone could spot that mistake from a mile away. I talk too much for someone who barely made it in time for the test. We had more lectures following that. I was too sleepy for the rest of it. We had our Literature class and had yet another activity. We were given this piece of paper where we had to write a popular literature and shift it from its original genre. My friend and I were manipulating everyone into making whatever they wrote down easier. When our teacher eventually shuffled and distributed it, we ended up getting a pretty hard one. If it isn’t karma knocking right at my door. I suffer the consequences of my own actions. After class, I went to my orthodontist and got my braces adjusted. I gained quite a few more weird contraptions in my mouth, and I just know it’s gonna hurt at night again. I saw my dental records too. I had forgotten that I started having braces when I was 12. I am 18 now. I never notice how fast time goes by. After that, I went to the mall since I promised my friends I’d hang out with them soon. I am a man of my words. I got there and bought myself some lunch. I absorbed the food in a quick second. I had to hurry since we still had to buy tickets for the movie we wanted to watch. We’re watching Mean Girls. I’m aware of the bad reviews, and as a theatre kid, I agree with them. But I’m not the type to judge a movie solely from a few nitpicked negative criticisms. We were the only people in the entire cinema. This actually happens a lot, but it’s cool to point out. My friends weren’t really watching, which was a disappointment. I’d see them going on their phones through my peripherals, and I couldn’t help but feel a very specific distress. I’ve been noticing this for a while now. How divided everyone’s attention is. I always make sure to never be on my phone whenever I’m out with someone. I find it disrespectful. With one person leaving right after the movie, I was left with the other. We took that time to walk around and have a chat. I was on a mission. I wanted a cake pop. Why are they so hard to find now? Ultimately, I had to resort to buying what’s second best: A donut. We also checked out the bookstore. It’s just fun to look at books. My parents picked me up, and I accompanied my mom on her trip to the grocery. When I finally got home, I washed my face then fell asleep.
I am crying again. Everything in me is refusing to process that this whole thing is for the better. Is it weird that I dream about you every day? I’m fighting the urge to call you again because it’s almost like second nature for me to call you in the middle of the night. I’m still waiting.

Februaru 07, 2024

Unbearably boring classes. In my first class, a bunch of basic dictionary-able terms were explained in an overly complicated manner. No, like, seriously. That has been almost all of my classes recently. This is why we’re getting free time one after the other. We had robotics, and my teacher just sat beside me talking about my life while I was trying to code my robot. I had no idea what I was doing. I take no interest in the language we were using. The Leanbot Block editor was pretty dumb. Then, I had club and talked with some new characters. We were forced against our will to group with people we didn’t know. We were tasked with creating our own board game to be presented at the next meeting. There’s this one pretty girl in my group, and she gave us the starting concept of the game. It should be easy enough. After that, I went home, cleaned a bit, fell asleep, woke up, then ate dinner. I watched more Fullmetal Alchemist and spent the last hours of today studying. I tried using my whiteboard to substitute the notebook that I’ve been using to blurt out, and I think I might just prefer using the whiteboard a little more.
I might just be sensitive, but seeing how supportive my friends are is making me cry. Not just Sirko. You know that level of understanding that you’ll only have once you know a person enough to know how they operate? It’s when there’s a mutual understanding on how choices made in certain circumstances won’t change a good person. As much as I want to find this in a partner, I need to remind myself that I already have that kind of connection. I’m thanking Sirko, Skylar, and Rhett, specifically for that. I never had to explain myself. I can never be a villain around them. I have so much respect for them as they have for me.

Februaru 06, 2024

The one singular class I had passed by like it never even happened. We had yet another mental health awareness seminar. Basically, a free pass to uninterrupted sleep for at least 2 hours. Except that I did get interrupted because they were pulling out dancers from that one event in January. They were hosting a pizza party. I mean, I’d take it. I only had a slice, but it was still fun. The difference between the seniors' area and the lower batches was insane. We were very disorganized; it's actually a shame. I met up with Brie and Ria shortly after. They only had 30 minutes of lunch. They ate in my room, and we played a bunch of Taylor’s songs. Just like 11th grade. We only have 2 hours of PE left, and then I can go home. We continued the recreational activities we had last week. We had this one game where we had to jump over cones and race to the other side, but we could be blocked by the other team. We basically had to play rock paper scissors for our position, and me being a prodigy, was the first one to completely pass through. I had over 7 challengers that all lost miserably. I am really good at rock paper scissors. I think I figured the trick out when I was a child having my daily unrestricted internet. You know that one "how to win rock paper scissors every time" video on YouTube? That was probably the same time I learned how to tie my shoes the fast way. I’ve always been a show-off. One of my classmates approached me today and had a conversation with me. I feel bad though because my attention was divided. I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone genuinely in quite a while. Except for Sirko, obviously. Anyway, the classmate that did approach me was pretty interesting. She was carrying the conversation. I am typically the one who’s always talking. She told me her whole long-distance situationship lore. This is all unsolicited. Even though I was faking my attentiveness (because I really couldn’t care less about anyone right now), I appreciate that she talked to me. To be fair, I’m always zoned out nowadays. I’m left behind pretty often too. Not in a “pity her way”, but in a “what is she on way”. I actually like being inside my own thoughts. I walked home with Brie again. She told me a couple more things I wish I didn’t know. That previous sentence is what I would say if I were stupid. I’m glad she told me. The only thing I can say about what I found out is that people, for sure, are lucky that I’m a private person. I think it’s great that people are already taking sides without hearing the other end of things. Not that I want to share anything. I hope everyone sleeps well at night. I hope you sleep well at night. Was I really that bad, or was I just hurting the same way you were?
I’m hugging Raccoon a little tighter tonight. I think I’m ready to accept that I love you, but only for a part of you that's no longer here. I'll search for it in every person I meet, knowing that I won't find it. Not even in you.

Februaru 05, 2024

I can’t escape my classes forever. Not that they’re even bad, just very boring. Our classes are way too easy. We’re always given free time. It’s either that, or it’s a whole hour of fighting myself from dozing off. My seat is positioned directly where the air conditioner’s draft hits. I think that’s reason enough for me to be sleepy every second of the day. I received my grad pic today. My creative shot was kind of a disappointment. I was wearing my Anakin costume, and in the raw file of the picture, my lightsaber was prominently glowing. The printed version was different. Oh well, I guess it was still cool. We got a bunch of them which are usually traded around, but since I wasn’t there on the day of the actual distribution, I only got to trade my grad pic with Skylar (he was absent that day too). Me, Ria, and Brie finally got to spend lunch together again after such a long time. One of us is always absent. The time went by pretty quickly. Before going home, I filmed a TikTok with Skylar and that was it. Brie walked with me and we caught up on our recent lives. Since it was only a little past halfway through the day when I got home, I decided to watch another anime. I settled on Fullmetal Alchemist (2003). I’ve seen the reviews, how Brotherhood is way better than the original. But right now, with all that I know, this is definitely an anime worthy of a high rating. I’m fixing my hair. I’m dyeing some of the spots I missed from my redye yesterday. I wrote a bit on my blog then stayed up late. Part of me is still waiting for him. I’m making sure that I sleep just right when he wakes up. Just in case he changes his mind. I know that I shouldn’t be like this, but I’m letting myself learn. I heard from Brie how you made me out to be after the breakup. And still, I can’t get myself to villainize you. You’re still the best I’ll ever have because I understand that I hurt you. Nothing can take away how good we were when we were together. I don’t think I’ll ever get over your journal entry, but I’ve been using it as a daily reminder to leave you alone. I left physically, but every part of me stayed.

Februaru 04, 2024

I’ve been playing the New York Times Connections game daily. I’m trying to occupy my unproductive hours. I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I sent you a bunch of text messages last night. Apparently, I deleted them before I fell asleep. I have no recollection of what even happened. I don’t want to make anything worse than it already is. I mean, should I even talk it out with you? Even though I never wanted this to end on a bad note, maybe it’s better that I leave it alone. Right? I need an instruction manual on this. I’m fighting the urge to go back to that desperate state. But I know it’s the last thing you want. You made it clear. This is probably gonna seem unattractive to you, but I prayed to God last night. I prayed I’d stop hurting and that you wouldn’t hold any grudge against me. I prayed that you find happiness. I haven’t prayed in 5 years. At least not seriously. Desperate people find faith, huh? Good to experience that. I managed to keep my mind off that for a bit. I journaled, I let it all out. Then I started my day. I watched the new season of Mashle today. Contrary to the haters, I loved it. I can’t wait for the next episode. I also redyed my hair purple. It looks so much better. I’ve been binge-watching the Beta Squad. More specifically, the 6v1 tournament thing. They make me laugh out loud. But in all that laughing, I can’t figure out why, but I feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes. I wish I’d stop feeling this horrible.

Februaru 03, 2024

I dreamt of you again. The kind of dream I don’t want to wake up from. The first thing I did today was write in my no-contact journal, as I have been doing for the past week or so now. It was the last thing I did before sleeping too. I followed my normal routine. I finished rewatching Assassination Classroom (both seasons 1-2), and I really needed that. I finally found it in me to write to my dear future self for 2025! I wrote about you in my letter. I talked about meeting a boy and falling in love with him. You were the main highlight of my year. And I like that. I know that I’m a month late in writing this letter, but January was a very low point in my life. I’ve stopped crying. I haven’t cried in 3 whole days, and I think that’s progress! I’m doing okay. I did more blog entries as I did yesterday. I’m good. I’m finding contentment in doing my little tasks again.
This is gonna sound stupid… I wrote the whole entry above because I thought I had already concluded my day. I spoke too early (as I always do). I am not doing okay, and I just broke my no crying streak. I read your journal entry. I had a very elaborate reply that I’m choosing not to put out. For both our own peace of mind, I’m leaving it be. I’m surrendering even when I don’t want to. I don’t want to keep score of anything. Just know that I still love you. I never said anything bad about you post-breakup. I never saw you as the bad guy. I never forgot about what we went through, and I hope you didn't either. I know you dislike me as explicitly stated in your entry, but I don't. Not even time will make me dislike you. The memories we share are enough to never make me hate you. One thing though, what part of begging can feed an ego? You changed my mind the same way I changed yours. It goes both ways. I thought we ended pretty decently. I knew where you were coming from, and I did listen. I acknowledge your points since they did stem from me too. I wasn’t ignorant on that part. But maybe I was in thinking we were civil. For that, I’m sorry.
Continuing on with my day, I didn’t think I could cry anymore than I have. I consulted Skylar about it. I didn’t discuss details, but I did ask for some general advice. Like whether or not I should contact my ex and all that. I am very lost. I was sobbing the whole afternoon until it was eventually dark enough, and it was already past midnight. I was waiting for the person I should not be contacting to wake up. I fell asleep at around 4 AM. I was sending Sirko voice memos with the most heartbreaking voice you’ll ever hear from me. I was a mess. I don’t even want to be reminded of how pathetic (again) I was. I didn’t know that someone I still looked up to would have such mean things to say about me. And the worst part about this is that I get it.

Februaru 02, 2024

It’s another restless night. I’m waking up in hourly increments with a new nightmare for each sleep. The sky is red. I am an hour late. I spent too long fixing my hair. My dad gave me a ride to school today. He’s asking about my ex. Yesterday, another family member asked how he was doing too. He haunts me in every room that I step in. And yet somehow, we’ll never be in the same room ever again. The irony in that. I only have one class today - financial management. It’s 2 hours long, and I already missed the first half of it. They had a book activity which I quickly answered. I sat beside Skylar since there was another sit-in student in our class. He let me copy his work. The remaining hour we had, we were given 15 minutes to read a chapter of our book. We were having recitation. I did so well. I participated for the hardest question after so many of the called-on students' failed attempts. That included the smart ones of the class. I got all the right terms in my very concise explanation. The answer wasn’t in the book so everyone struggled. After that, we had an orientation for this new program my school is proposing for us to partake in. The whole premise of it is for us to go to jail and have a close encounter with the convicted people. I doubt my parents would let me join. We weren’t allowed to, but I snuck out of school and went home early. I took my makeup off and slept for a few hours to make up for the sleep I lost last night. My baby brother is sick again. He was on the sofa adjacent to where I was sleeping. As promised, when I woke up, I did all my missing November blog entries for the entire day on my laptop. I’m actually so near to catching up.

Februaru 01, 2024

Once again, I find myself fighting for my life. I am confined to my bed. The difficulty in getting out of bed increases every day. Don’t worry, I eventually found the strength to get up. I took my sweet time getting ready. I’m going to miss my first subject, but it’s really never that deep. When I got to school, I was met with the harsh reality of mathematics. I’m being dramatic, it really wasn’t that hard. It wasn’t even hard at all. The rest of the classes I had weren’t that memorable. I was cold the entire day, and that was about it. I guess I did enjoy our philosophy class. After school, since we had an early dismissal, I went to the mall with Ria. I had to run an errand. We were at the dog cafe, our usual spot. I ate carbonara, and she ate beef or something. I was blabbing a lot. I honestly don’t understand how I never run out of topics. That was until Ria, who had a designated Poppy Playtime play-through watching schedule, started being an iPad kid. We sat in silence for a bit. I was watching something else on my phone while eating too. It’s fun. Then I grabbed the things that I needed, and we just hung out. I bought myself coconut water then sat down to tell her about this pathological liar friend I had. One of these days, I’ll make an elaborate written lore about her, I swear. We went back to school since I still had to pick up my baby brother, and she had rehearsals. It was fun. I love hanging out with Ria, even though we literally spend all of our lunchtimes together. My baby brother stayed behind in class. I knew he did something again, but it wasn’t a bad thing. He approached me and started crying. Everyone in his class had a paper on their heads with a construction paper cat cut out. He held his. And the glue job, he referred to it as snot. He asked everyone why his cat was snotty. He was crying, so I had to hold my laughter. His cutting was also pretty messy. I felt bad. When we got to the car, he begged me to teach him how to cut and do math. He probably pitied himself. He asked why he couldn’t do both. It’s okay. I know he’ll be smart. No one in my family is dumb.
You probably have stopped reading my blog entries, but I unblocked you. I promised you that I’d always be there, no matter what. I chose myself for as long as I could (not that long, apparently). I knew that the urge to text you wasn’t going away if I didn’t force myself to. I know you’ve moved on, as indicated by your promise that as long as the number 7 is in your bio, you still think about me. Maybe in some distant time, we’d regain the contact we lost. But I promise our connection would remain the same. I’m still here.