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March 31, 2024

Happy Easter! The nightlife is no longer for me. I am sleepwalking at the airport. I am incapable of pulling all-nighters or even staying up past my bedtime now. My flight home was scheduled so early that I didn't even get the chance to sleep. I've been traveling to different countries for almost every month now. It's a very privileged thing, and I do recognize that. I think it's awesome, and I am so grateful. I'm a very private person, so catching me anywhere would literally be impossible. I like that I'm all over the place. I like how the only company I really need is myself, and you can put me in any position, metaphorically or literally, and I'd still do so well. The claims I'm making aren't meant to convince anyone or myself, I genuinely just feel so secure with my life right now. And I always have. I lost it for a moment, but now it's back, and I am so sure to never let that go. I sound like a Ted Talk speaker, but I'm literally just a girl writing her observations in her diary. I've been mentioning this too, but I am so well in every aspect of myself. The fact that I am no longer pale says a lot more than it should. I have color in the right places, and looking good makes me feel good, so I'm taking that as a win. To keep me up, I just continued writing my song. I can't wait to play them with whatever instrument I see fit. I wanna buy a vocoder or synthesizer too. When we went to the airport lounge, my brother and I went straight to the massage beds and skipped breakfast completely. Okay, not completely. I snuck in a hashbrown just before leaving. I swear I'm aging. I made friends with this flight captain (I assume because they were addressing him as so). We talked using hand gestures. He noticed that I wasn't strong enough to pull the plane tables and helped me. I usually sit in business class, but this one wasn't the usual push type, and I was so convinced it was just stuck there. Anyway, the flight attendants ended up giving me like 3 whole packs of Oreos as an Easter gift, so that was fun. It was totally out of nowhere too. Luck, I guess. If there's one thing that has not left the back of my mind since the start of my trip, it's that I needed to hit the gym. The addiciton has been so bad recently that I was actually starting to tweak. So the moment I got home, I showered, unpacked everything, started organizing my closet, my gym gear and equipment, my desk, and makeup. I gave myself a bit of a break after I cleaned my room and took another shower. I slept for a solid 4 or more hours. Then I got to working out. I doubled all the reps just to make up for all the days I've lost. I also played this grocery shopping game with my baby brother. A little while after, I showered once more, and had a very slow night doing homework before calling it a day.

March 30, 2024

I love hotel breakfasts. My curated plate consisted of two bacons, scrambled eggs, lettuce, broccoli, salmon, crackers and Camembert, and a single piece of tomato. All high in protein, very colorful, which means very healthy. It's actually my daily goal to eat lots of colors because that would mean that I'm getting different kinds of vitamins. We went to the subway in City Hall to go to Gangnam. Today's plan was to go to Everland for my baby brother. I was actually freeballing everything and trusting my instincts to go there. Since I was the only one knowledgeable enough to use public transportation in different countries, they had no choice but to follow. My brother and I are competing for whoever gets the highest step count of the day. Since we both have shunned the emotion of embarrassment a long time ago, we did not hesitate to act like we were both mentally challenged people. We were not keeping still on the trains, and it definitely looked like we were having a seizure. The train we were on had this emergency, and we had to get off. it was kind of scary. The lights literally started flickering, and all the doors just opened. But then a new train came by, and we resumed with our days. We finally got to Gangnam, which was awesome. It was a change of scenery. There were plastic surgery shops in every corner, so that was concerning. We sat by some tables outside this convenience store so my baby brother could eat his soup. While he was doing that, I was conversing with the store clerk. He was so nice. He reminded me of my favorite teacher. I asked him some questions on directions, and he was struggling so much. He told me it was hard to explain, and he did try his best. The good thing is that I have really high comprehension skills and I actually understood. Before continuing on the trip to Everland, my brother and I separated for a bit and got ourselves Subway sandwiches. I made myself a tuna one for obvious reasons. After my baby brother finished his food, we walked to the bus station and waited for bus 5002B. It was a double-decked bus, so that was cool. We slept for the duration of the ride until were woken up by a drift. Our bus was going miles an hour, drifting in the literal mountains. We were making jokes over pressing the red button on top because we were seeing our lives flash before our eyes. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but the driver had some pretty cool drifts. We caught sight of Everland, and in literal no time, we were already there. I've actually been here a couple of years back, but I have little recollection of it, so it should be fun. I saw a tornado forming while lining up to get our tickets scanned. There was this huge panda, and it was cute. I got those waffle ice cream things which I spilled all over myself. I was wearing a long white skirt. It doesn't matter as much though, I don't really mind spill stains. My brother and I accompanied our little brother with his rides. He was racing with other kids, and it was cool. I was having fun too. I even lined up for this popcorn stand while my baby brother was out on the park playground. Before we left, I visited the Lego Store. It was there, I had to check it out. I found the greatest steals of all time inside. I knew something was calling for me. I found the camcorder Lego set, and I kid you not, that exact set has been in my saved reels for over a year now. I thought it had been discontinued too. I'm so lucky. I found the Star Wars Lego pens too. I just could not get any luckier. I've been wanting those for so long. I obviously walked out of the store with a bag in my hand. We went back to Gangnam using the same bus. We were dropped at the dead center of it that we got to see the shopping street. My brother almost vomited right before he got off the bus because of his complaint over how dry the air was inside. So we sat down for a while. Our parents got us food from Mom's touch while my brother and I people-watched. A lot of interesting characters. The food was really good though. Anyway, I saw so many celebrities during this trip. One of them being UNIS. I saw like a bunch of paparazzis crowding up a certain area, and I checked it out to see the members literally there. There's this one member who's actually my schoolmate who's also the cousin of one of my close friends. Lots of coincidences. I shopped at the Sephora equivalent of Korea also known as Olive Young. I got some stuff while my brother was buying shoes. It got really cold, and we had to go back home. I lent my baby brother my jacket since he was freezing. We took the train back, and I wrote probably the best song I have ever written in less than 10 minutes there. Creativity really comes out at the randomest times. We left out stuff in the hotel and took an hour break before going back to the Myeondong streets' night market. I got myself scallops and bought my friend's souvenirs. Going back to the hotel, I had to run a couple more laps to get my step count higher than my brother. My flight is in a few hours. I'm gonna die. I packed my things with only coffee to keep me alive. I don't even like coffee anymore.

March 29, 2024

I have the coolest fit ever. I'm wearing a skirt in 2-degree weather. I didn't learn my lesson. I had to wake up early and drop by the convenience store (CU) to get some stockings. It all worked out in the end, so all's good. It was actually raining, and we had to borrow an umbrella from the hotel. To be fair, I only ever feel the cold in my hands, which sucks, but it isn't so bad. I love walking when it's super early in the morning. I had to quickly search how the subways work here, which wasn't hard at all. I'd argue that it's probably one of the easiest ones to learn. I had a short debate with my brother over which train platform we had to get to, he was wrong, and I was right. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and we transferred only to transfer back a couple of stations later. The fight did start because of my bad eyesight. I couldn't read the lines properly, and my brother's eyesight was a hundred times worse, so it was a shot in the dark either way. Since nobody else understood that we were actually messing up, no one got mad. We went to Hongdae using the Hongik Station, and I got myself a massive wardrobe update. Everything they sell here is so cool. If you have bad style in a country like this, it's honestly all on you. Hongdae is known for its street art (Picasso's Street), indie music, boutiques, thrift shops, cool cafes, clubs, and everything. Since my brother and I are equally as cool as this place, we enjoyed our time there. We shopped a lot, very epic hauls. We had lunch at this place underground, and the food was great. The Jajangmyeon was cooked so well that the pasta wasn't breaking off. I shared my meal with my brother since the serving was too much. I made a joke at our table that made my dad laugh, so that's a step for mankind. There was this street that had a shooting range, so my brother and I obviously went to it. While the rest of our family shopped some more, we were trying out the rifles. I guided everyone to the subway to Seoul Station, and of course, we couldn't miss out on the Seoul tower itself. We got ourselves a taxi to the Namsan Cable Car, and eventually, we got to the top. The whole place had locks all over from random people who probably made promises to each other. It was pretty cute. My brother bought himself a lock too for him and his girlfriend. I bought a pen so I could vandalize my persona and write mine and Sirko's name everywhere. We got a hotdog arriving there, and I was stuffing it into my mouth when I heard somebody call my name from a distance. How am I getting recognized literally miles away from home? So basically, this dude I knew from elementary approached me and asked for a picture. Damn, didn't know I was all that. I'm joking, but it was cool. He was so excited about it too. I continued to write and draw everywhere after that encounter. My brother struggled for hours (a really, really long time) looking for a place for his heart lock thing. He didn't want to be like the other guys because he has main character syndrome or something. He got an actual good spot where he had to climb some roof, but it was worth it. We went to the tower, and it had this candy store beside it, so we obviously scooped ourselves a pack. At one point, my phone was on the brink of death. To save it, I went to the convenience store and got those one-time use chargers. Good thing I love electronic parts because that item definitely was not environmentally friendly. We went back to the hotel and recharged ourselves for the Myeongdong streets. It's a very packed day. After regaining our energies, we crossed the streets, and I bought myself a Lululemon set. With the belt, defined jacket, and everything. I can't wait to run and go to the gym when I get back. Hey, the grind isn't stopping just because I'm out on a trip. I've been keeping protein bars with me everywhere, my steps are at 20k, and my diet is still maintained. No one's gonna catch me lacking now. Lane even messaged me out of nowhere, telling me that she had a shower thought over how I would've continued my grind. Anyway, back to the Myeongdong streets. We went to the night market there and ate everything in sight. My brother and I were together the whole time and just trusted that they won't get lost. Yes, I'm saying they because I am incapable of getting lost. I am literally a god. We got a couple more things, went back, then brought the day to a close.

March 28, 2024

Instead of sleeping, I had the most brilliant idea to compose a song. Everybody else is passed out. Unlike any ordinary person, my body clock is extremely adaptable. I am now in Seoul, Korea. We are staying in a suite at the Lotte Hotel, pretty much at the center of Myeongdong. A really great spot. The very first thing that I learned upon arrival is that Protein in Hangeul is 단백질. I think it's awesome how I have somehow still retained my Korean reading comprehension skills. I learned the Korean writing system about 6 years ago and had no exposure to it whatsoever other than some rare instances. It's the easiest language to learn, so that must've been why it never left my brain.
I cleaned up, changed my clothes, and put on a lip mask. I was good to go. I waited for everybody else to wake up, and when they did, we finally went out. It was very cold. I didn't bother to check the weather prediction prior to this trip. It's me and my spring clothes against the world (cold weather). We had literally no plans. I had to make one up out of thin air. They knew about the Coex Starfield library, so that was great. We took a ride to the said library, and it was kind of far. All I did was repeatedly bug my brother with the Donde está la biblioteca song from Community. Donde está la biblioteca, me llamo T-bone, la araña discoteca, discoteca, muñeca, la biblioteca. Okay, yeah, that's all I know. Anyway, the library was big and very pretty. There were a lot of tourists, which is to be expected. We also went to the Aquarium for my baby brother, who has an obsession with sea creatures. It had stamp stations, so that occupied me. Everything was very pretty. We ate at this Japanese restaurant, and I had this tonkatsu with mozzarella in the middle. It was good but god was it heavy. I was on a mission to find myself a leather jacket since I needed it for my next fit. We went shopping. My brother and I took a specific liking to the shop Aland. It retailed a bunch of brands, which we found awesome. I did eventually find the leather jacket I was looking for. It took me so long. It would've been easier if I weren't a small person. No one will ever understand (except my brother who witnessed me go into insanity) how hard it was to find the perfect one. We stayed in the Starfield library before going home just to drink iced coffee. Did that worsen the frostbite I was about to get? Yes. But I am literally immune to the cold... I am not. But I like to think that I am. The car ride back took quite some time. I used it to write more songs. We arrived back at the hotel. We had a very long day but it was fun. We got ourselves a homemade dinner from the hotel's room service. Before the night had ended, I stayed in the closet for a while still writing my songs.

March 27, 2024

Going to school was very much against my will, but all my plans worked out in each other’s favor, so I can’t really complain. I got a lot of things done today. For starters, the class I had a sit in schedule with to take the test I had missed was pretty chill. There were barely any students per classroom since there was no teacher that required attendance. My schedule was on the unlucky side of the roulette, and I had a class with that one unethical ethics teacher I've been mentioning a lot recently. But anyway, the test I took was so easy I’m pretty sure I got a hundred. Nothing much happened. I did end up talking to this one dude in class I don't normally talk to. He gave me a bunch of song recommendations, and we kind of just wasted time talking to each other. He’s a Radiohead fan. This is the same dude that Skylar and I talked about a while back. We were saying how he had our dream personality, but we’d never be able to pull off his mysteriousness. Anyway, the dude’s pretty cool. I mean, we were already mutuals prior to this but we never really talked like that ever. I had plans with Ria and Lane after school. We walked to the mall and had a short little hangout day. It was so fun. Our first stop off the list was to have a feast. Ria and I got the same food. The wait for it was so long I ended up making paper cranes with the receipts. We had lots of things to talk about. We were just happy. Did I mention that this whole entire day, everyone I've talked to has, in a non-appropriate way, touched my gains? I am actually so fit.It’s insane. The genes are working full time, I swear. A whole month of daily runs, gym, and a high-protein diet, and I am built. To be fair, I already naturally have very low body fat and a good physique, so that's definitely a cheat code. The thing that surprises me the most is my biceps. I don't do arm day ever, maybe like once a week, but it’s there, alright. Okay, I don't want to talk about that, but it plays such a huge part in my daily routines that I can't not mention it. So we visited this Flying Tiger store, and it had the cutest things ever. It was full of spring-themed things and had Easter bunny products everywhere. It was too bad that I couldn't find any functions for the cute things that I saw. We went to the toy store too, and I just had a commentary for every brand ever. It’s not my fault all the new toys are lame. Anyway, I had my nails done with Ria while Lane was getting a haircut. I got dark green French tips because spring! The nail tech actually did such a horrible job. I was concerned. Not enough to complain, and I didn't really mind as much. I am at peace with everything. I checked the time, and it was already getting dark. I looked up at the sky and witnessed one of the prettiest sights ever. It had this iridescent color to it, resembling the aurora borealis, except instead of electrons in oxygen and nitrogen molecules moving between energy levels, it was only the refraction of the different wavelengths in white light. On the car ride home, I realized a few things. I packed summer clothes knowing it’s going to be 5 degrees Celsius out, my flight was in a few hours, and I had 2 or maybe less than 3 hours left to get ready back home, and I had a lot to do. Running out of time, I quickly redyed my hair, did some other chemical stuff, showered (an everything shower, including my extended hair care routine), ate dinner, had dessert, worked out, then showered again. All before heading out. I settled down at the airport lounge and was literally dying. The moment I knew it was my bedtime, I struggled even opening my eyes. Before my flight, I downloaded a bunch of Gracie’s unreleased tracks into my Spotify’s local files. Let’s all thank the dude I was talking to earlier because he sent me this cool link, and he saved me from my January 30 (great Gracie Spotify purge) despair.

March 26, 2024

All of the trees in my neighborhood have grown flowers overnight. I did my 5-kilometer run and actually set a new PR. I could've sworn I was doing less running and more walking, but I probably balanced it out in the end. I drew another GPS heart too! I love going to school knowing I woke up at 5:30 AM and have already done the most of everything before everyone else has even started their day. Proof that I'm ahead of everyone. We had a seminar again. All I did was sleep, or at least tried to. I sat in the most uncomfortable chair, and the draft from the AC was directly hitting my head, giving me a migraine. Rhett messaged me around this time about his community service as well. I told him we could bring back the old troublemaker duo and sneak the documents from the office to manipulate his attendance. Too bad we're more mature now. We didn't go through with that plan, but I do remember that back then, we used to do the craziest things for the adrenaline rush. We had a bunch of hallway monitors chasing us every lunchtime. Our top hiding spot was in the school bathrooms. We were insane. Continuing on my day, I got myself Shawarma and skipped a few minutes of my next class. We had PE, and I'm friends with the teacher, so it didn't matter. We went to the gym for the others to play, and I just laid down on the bleachers. I couldn't sleep again, but this time it was because of this one relentless mosquito that did not give me a break. Depressing. I was actually excited to go home. I had a couple of things I wanted to do, and one of them was cooking. So, I cooked. I tried making those fried potato cheese bombs. It took me so long, and it turned out so mediocre that I felt defeated by the time I was done. I didn't get to work out either, which wasn't very ideal. I plan on baking next time. At least I've already had some successful attempts at that, so I know it's going to be less stressful. Anyway, I found myself stuck at one point of today. I was experiencing crazy withdrawal symptoms. I'm convinced I'm psychic. I had another gut feeling. So I went with it. I saw something at such the right time, as if I was meant to see it as soon as possible. I couldn't message anyone about it, but I needed to get something off my chest. I knew who to go to. Rhett. He and I go way back. He was my best friend before Sirko. We were the original duo back then. I backed off because he had a girlfriend, and I respected that. We kept in touch, but we weren't glued to each other like before. This dude is the realest person you'll ever meet. Skylar, Sirko, and I have the highest regard for him. He's seriously too cool for anyone. I gave him the nickname Master Yoda like 4 or 5 years ago, and whenever anyone was in major trouble, we knew who to call. Ghostbusters! No, but he’s a solid dude.
I’ll preface the following events with a joke I stole from Rhett: "The things I do for love." - Courage the Cowardly Dog. So, I was vomiting when I decided to DM him. I feel like he's just at the back of my emergency contacts, but he's like the sage you go to when things get really bad. It was. He ended up slapping me with the coldest truth, and I appreciated it so much. I didn't even shed a single tear. I knew that it took a real one to utter realness. I spilled everything, the whole truth without hesitation, even the things I never got to tell Sirko. He's the type of person who always understands. He doesn't judge people for no reason. He just listens. He says the best things ever too. And they're actually so genuine. It takes one to know one. The more stuff you go through, the wiser you get. I mean that so much. I was so glad I got everything off my chest. It gave me such relief not having to defend myself for once. Officially, I'm clean now. I started with the steps he gave me. I didn't even think twice. In one fell swoop, everything was erased. We're planning a hangout next week to burn the physical evidence. We always have the most epic ideas. Because as we say, great minds think alike. It was insane how he arrived at the same conclusion I did without even doubting my sanity. And I knew it. Stay tuned for next week’s burning party. Mark it on your calendar.
I checked up on some of my other friends. They told me they missed me and that I'm a very easy person to talk to. I told them about my ethics mentor and all that. We talked about alien sightings (this is an inside joke), drugs, and DND. This one dude literally heard one of my friends mention that I play DND, and he kept coming back to that topic, asking me about my campaigns and if I could DM. I stayed up so late, probably the latest this month. I left the call around 3 AM. I’m going to have to skip my morning run tomorrow. Oh well.

March 25, 2024

I want to hold a funeral for my eyelash curler that has served me for about 4 years. The realest ones are always the first to go. Such a shame. It's that time of the school semester when I can stop wearing my bag. I grabbed my arsenal and put all of them in my pocket: a single lip product, AirPods, and my card holder. I came to school early, earlier than everyone else, and yet still, I was marked late. My teacher makes all the days she's in my schedule so insufferable. She knows about community service that's pending by a thread. She's pushing it. First class in, she went on a tangent about not attending the seminar we were invited to. No one in the entirety of our school leaders' population was attending, only a handful of teacher's pets. We had like a staredown at some point while she was taking her anger out on us. Look, I don't feel the slightest bit of remorse or guilt. She was being fully unethical for someone who teaches business ethics, and I can write a whole document about it. I know that my ego is big, but I know when I've done something bad. This was not the case. She manipulated the attendance on top of that too. It's all so petty, all because we didn't save her face over some uncontracted offer she forced on us. Business is business. Her friend was a liability, and we had to cut her off. It was very simple. I might receive repercussions in the near future for never breaking eye contact when I should've been looking down while she scolded us. I can't help it. My logic has always well-established, and even though she has authority, being right is just part of my character. She just wanted to release her anger on us because she probably felt betrayed or something, mostly embarrassed because she cares about her reputation that much. Everyone is so serious and negative, I don't like it, but what can I do?
I grew taller, by a lot. It's the talk of the town (I won't shut up about it). I noticed it during one of our breaktimes. Ria and I went to the bathroom, as girls do, and I saw a gap between our heights. We used to be almost on par in terms of height. It was a couple of inches difference, which was insane. I confirmed it when I went back to class. Skylar (the hardest person to convince) agreed. Take his word honestly. We had some grade consultations. I already secured a hundred in a few subjects. Our literature class was the one I worried most about. But then I actually got my paper back and turns out I was the highest in class. Why do I ever doubt myself? After that, we had like a 4-hour seminar. I was talking on the podium at one point because my class threw me out. Not literally. It was funny. I barely slept because of how uncomfortable the seats were. I ended up just messing around with the class and telling people about my cooking plans. I know, me and cooking used to never mix well. But I'm getting new talents so often now it's insane. I'm back at my prime as a hobbyist. It's not even a joke. I spent more than half my time in the seminar looking at cooking and baking reels and showing them to everyone. I made so many new friends today. How am I suddenly dapping up new people in the hallways? When I got home from school, I had a nice dinner, worked out, then packed my clothes for my trip to Korea this week. Lastly, I wrote essays for my take-home quiz then called it a night.
I'm not the type to clear my name. I used to be, but it's been so long that I can't even name one scenario where I last tried explaining myself. Okay, I lied I can name one, but that doesn't count (it was out of desparation and I'm already trying to erase that frm my memory). In my head, I have convinced myself that no one will ever listen. No, seriously, they won't. Once they've made up their minds about you, you might as well shut up. All I know is that if I put all water under the bridge, I'd remove all reasons to stress over a losing fight. The point of communicating is to make someone understand, but everyone is so full of themselves. I am too with all the conclusions I draw, but I'm not wrong. I've had multiple times when I've held myself accountable for my mistakes. I fully accept them and apologize too. I say a lot of dumb things. But the ground is that all fights and rumors can only be resolved once the other side of the party takes their time to understand you or the situation. That's if they're even a reflective person. Most people are not. Most people are pigeons.

March 24, 2024

I love it when I notice pretty little insignificant and unnoticed things. During today's 5-kilometer run, I saw grass growing out of the cracks of the road. If that's not accidental poetry made by nature itself, I don't know what is. I had bacons for breakfast. We had plans for church later in the day just before lunch, so I still had some time to sleep. I took that opportunity (after cleaning up). I'm not the most religious person. But I've been through that phase too. I think I've already briefly mentioned this before, but I once read the entire bible for a boy. I know, it's so stupid. He was older, and he only knew of my existence because I was my brother's little sister. When I take on any interests, I deep dive into it. Literally ask me anything, and I'd already have my argument laid out on the top of my head. I chose to not be religious because I wasn't the biggest fan of weird practices. I know both sides of the same coins. No one can literally judge me. I remember I used to go to Youth too. It was like some kind of event held for kids every Sunday where you interact with a bunch of other religious kids and have activities about worship. It wasn't anything weird, it was all very modern. I was part of the choir too. Technically, I never really resigned or left because I always have this invisible free pass where I can just join any time. I mean okay, to be completely honest, I was only part of the choir because I wanted to sing, and I was always getting solos. But for the rest of all those active church-related participations, I really tried. I was sending people daily bible verses at one point. So we went to church. I wasn't entirely listening, but I was being respectful. It's funny because the whole homily went over people's heads. The priest specifically told everyone not to clap after the mass because it's inappropriate for Jesus with him suffering and everything. Everyone clapped anyway. To think I wasn't even being attentive. Look, I'm sorry if I sound like a hater, but I swear some people go to church only to find forgiveness (to free themselves from guilt) or ask for something. I understand that people find faith in desperate times, but I find it so pretentious when people preach all about stuff and do all those activities so mindlessly. They don't understand the purpose of anything but are only selfish in their intentions. I know that I don't believe in all that, but whenever I'm in the position where I need to pray, I only ever say thanks and wish health for others. I'm not exactly praying in the right way with the whole connection with God thing, but I think that he needs someone to thank him too. Since I was with my family, right after the mass ended, we had lunch at this Japanese restaurant. My older brother showed me this new game, and it was fun. Going back home, I showered again and caught up on Mashle. The new episode almost made me tear up. I took yet another nap. Time is moving, and I'm still not doing anything of importance. I like it when I'm bored. After I woke up, I ate again. It was an early dinner. Everyone in the house had just woken up too. I had a very nice meal and then decided to organize my closet. I swear I need to upgrade my wardrobe. They're chill and all, and I'm glad I'm not buying pieces that I know are made for fast fashion, but I just need a few more layers. Maybe new dresses? I know I'm missing something. I worked out and had a very light leg day. As much as I love resting, I feel like my day isn't complete anymore without doing anything active. I know repair phases are important, which is why I only focus on one muscle group per day, but it's hard when you actually look forward to working out everyday. I don't know how I got onto this whole world, but it's honestly the best ever. I came across a video interview of James Scholz. I'm glad to see how well he's been doing. He's still a person I really look up to, and I always learn so much from his videos. I haven't been the most sure of my future, but knowing that I'll always have him to follow is making everything seem a little less daunting for me. Anyway, after I finish writing this entry, I'm gonna read a few pages and head off to sleep.

March 23, 2024

The sun woke me up. I couldn't do my morning runs. I would've deprived myself of sleep if I were to force it. So I didn't. It made me feel so unfulfilled because the two days prior to this were occupied with the test I had to attend school for very early. Those days should've been run days too. I had some pent-up energy designated for running. My resolve to this was to immediately hit the gym. I doubled all my reps again. Post-workout, I had salmon, which was so perfect. Then just like that, my state of mind returned to normal. My head was buried in my book for almost the whole day. I had a peanut butter sandwich for a snack. I continued reading until my brother texted, asking if we were going to the mall. I said yeah. I did tell him I've been wanting to replace my broken electric guitar strings. We drove over to the mall and brought the guitar with us. We went to the music store and bought the 9-gauge strings from a separate shop then had service from another. One day I'll learn how to fix them myself. Today was not the day for that. While waiting, we just looked around. We went to sports stores, game stores, clothing shops, all that. I told him about my recent school life. I'm literally a free bird with my schedule. The only thing stressing me right now is that one teacher who has personal beef with me. I can't do anything about that, but isn't it great that something so trivial is the only thing I can consider bothersome? Anyway, we ran a few errands while we were at it. Got chicken wings for lunch too. When all was done, we went home. I read some more of my current read, and that was about it. I did my research around 9 PM and went on a call with my groupmates. We worked on more formulas. A formula which I made, by the way. It didn't take me that long to make it, but it's still pretty impressive how I can make one up. I just think that it's fun when you understand math to that level. I weighted the means of different percentages with their corresponding Likert scale values then matched that up with over 30 questions answered by 214 respondents and used the Pearson correlation coefficient (r) (modified) formula and found the p-value on top of that. It was a very tedious task. I sadly finished everything by midnight. I hate it when I sleep later than my bedtime. Past Cy would be so proud of that, but not me. What I once considered early is so incredibly late now.

March 22, 2024

I woke up this morning, and I sat up straight in bed. I had the strangest feeling of this weight off of my chest. Guts (spilled) is out! You can probably already guess from the way I started this entry that my chosen song to loop for as long as I possibly can is Stranger. Olivia definitely took that out of my diary. Word for word, it's how I've been feeling recently, and I love it so much. If she had released this Deluxe Album a little earlier, I would've been obsessed with Obsessed. Pun intended. I was literally streaming that song illegally on all streaming platforms ever. But I'm happy I took a particular liking to Stranger. It put me in such a good mood starting my morning. "God knows I am the way I am because of you." I literally just wrote an extensive entry about how grateful I have been for everything, and I really am. I feel like I'm on the right track, and I owe that to every chance and person I've encountered. I forgot to thank myself last time, so I'm doing it now. I'm grateful for the choices I've made because they led me to where I am now. I promise I'll make a cover of this song later in the evening. It feels nice, not having to keep scores generally, letting everyone and everything happen whether it's favorable to my outcome or not. It feels nice being the only person I need to complete myself. And for the rest of it, they'll be the best thing I'll ever keep so far out of my life.
It's the second day of the test thing I was selected for, and I just know I'm doing something right. I've been noticing how I make friends in every room I enter, which is pretty cool. I forced a bunch of people to listen to Stranger too. One of them saved it to their playlist. He told me he related to it because he also went through it, but it's over now. The remaining test we had to answer was easier than yesterday, which inherently meant that I would finish this test faster than my already fast record. So I did finish faster, and I slept for the rest of it in my own seat. I was so out of it that I ended up ripping the test paper itself. I don't know what the consequences are for that, but I hope it works out in the end. I was actually supposed to be in a meeting with some business professionals, but since my time was occupied with the test I was taking, I had to let someone else take over. I was also supposed to have a sleepover, but I had to cancel. Then there's this seminar I'm supposed to be at tomorrow for leadership and some kind of training program. I don't plan on attending. I have a lot of things going on at the moment, and I'm trying my best to balance all my academics, extracurriculars, social, and personal life.
When I got home, I satisfied all my basic human needs just like clockwork. I ate lunch, rested, and cleaned up. I'm trying to finish a book too, so that's fun. I watched a bunch of those low-viewed YouTube videos of the realest people ever because I've been avoiding consuming things that rot my brain. I eventually closed my laptop and let my eyes fall because I was sleepy, and I just love it when I get the chance to sleep. When I woke up, I finally decided to work out. Since my body is still kind of sore from yesterday, I just did my usual routine without any additional weight or multiplied reps. Then of course, I ate again.
As promised, I did the Stranger cover. It was very casual. I might make another version of it once I actually memorize everything. I've been playing the guitar quite often for excessive amounts of time. Part of the reason why I couldn't make the most proper cover today was because my fingers were blistered and it ended up bleeding halfway through. Not to worry because I did put a band-aid over it. It's not the normal callous type you get. I feel like I already have the permanent callous from all the years I've played. I don't mean that in a way that makes it sound like I'm good at playing; I just love music so much that I get so obsessive over every single track I feel expresses my current state or a state I've experienced. But despite literally bleeding, I resumed playing some more songs anyway.
In the times I let my brain wander off during the late hours, I thought about the nature of why people hurt others. Whether that's sending hateful remarks, wishing people the worst, or just being plain petty and evil. I read somewhere that to find peace, people should stop chasing answers. That just won't do it for me. If anything, that falls somewhere in the lines of that whole "ignorance is bliss" saying. I do not like ignorance. I feel like I've always had this empathy for people. I always think of how others might be feeling in a given situation, and I don't think I've ever been so selfish. When I do choose myself, it's usually because I've already weighed the motives of another person. When I say I consider how others might feel, I don't mean that in an entirely positive way. Sometimes people are so vile, and you'd see right through it. But the bottom line is, in the same way I loved math because I could always chase some sort of answer, no matter the complications of how it got to whatever conclusion, I always look for a way to understand others. Everything is so contextual. I always rooted for the villains in films. So I've come to a certain reasoning. People inflict pain because they want someone to understand them. They want someone else to experience what they're going through. That's a very basic deduction, but it's not often pointed out. The phrase "hurt people hurt people" is often dismissed as just being a damaged person who'd turned out defensive and self-protective because of past circumstances. It's become something that's just passed on. No one actually ever cares enough to address it. People always say that there's no reason for why people are so hateful and pairing it with that old line of "that's just how the world works." But I choose to forgive everyone that has ever hurt me. I'd like to believe that they'll find peace one way or another too. For the record, I still hate people.

March 21, 2024

It's way too early for my brain to process anything. I couldn't even play my usual shower playlists because I was already overwhelmed with the slightest task of getting out of bed. I've never seen my school so empty. It's 6 AM. I went up to my designated room and met up with some friends. I didn't know what to expect. The time eventually came for us to take our test. We had about 5 hours. I finished the paper front and back in no time. I completed the test ahead of everyone else, by maybe 2 hours, approximately. They let us answer at our own pace which was great. I honestly think I might've even gotten a perfect score on one of the subjects. They didn’t have to split this whole test into two separate days. I'd argue it was completely unnecessary. I slept for the remaining hours. I literally woke up and a guy told me he envied how well I had slept. Overall, it was a pretty easy test.
I feel like I'm adjusting well to inconveniences. I’ve been a lot calmer recently. I still get random mood swings, but they’re not even bad. I’ve been shrugging off a lot of things. Or if I get disappointed, I just look disappointed and accept it. I’m still the same animated person, so I really can’t hide my emotions. I waited in the parking lot for over 40 minutes for my baby brother. It reminded me of those times when I’d get so happy waiting for my older brother's dismissal time because that meant I could spend more time playing with my friends. Now the people I hang out with can’t spend 10 seconds without looking at their phones. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that. I’m only stating an observation. I miss when activities were still a thing. Now I usually just stay silent and look around completely brain dead. When I was in middle school to early high school, I remember always waiting for my ride until it was dark out. I'd get my daily chocolate milk from the school vending machine and just sit. Occasionally I'd come across a friend and talk to them until they left, but I was so content with my life then.
Happy spring. Major life update: my priorities have changed. I've taken care of almost every single detail of myself, mentally and physically. My circadian rhythm is fixed, all my grades set the curve, my lips are naturally redder and barely crack, I'm not pale anymore, my skin is clear, I eat healthy, I read again, I've been getting into more hobbies, and I'm letting myself socialize. All in all, every aspect of me has improved. It's a whole list that I could go on for days. I can’t emphasize it enough. I’m taking care of all the things I’d usually overlook. I feel good.
When I got home, I ate lunch (still on the high protein diet) and then rested. The rest wasn’t quick. In fact, it took up almost the whole day. I was more tired because my baby brother interrupted my nap attempts. Something about being disturbed made me even more tired, if that makes sense. I say all this about being tired, but when I did wake up, I worked out right away. I doubled all my weights and sets too, did twice the amount of reps than I usually would, and made sure to double all the weights too. I really just felt like it. After that, I had an avocado with granola and strawberries snack. I rested some more and finally got to digitally drawing some graphics for our business. So that was fun. Today was very tiring for unknown reasons.
A little extra bit from my day: I sent a message in the class group chat, and they teased me about my rebellious tendencies. It was so funny. This is why I was always a Raven girl in Ever After High.

March 20, 2024

The change from dark to light always slips past me in the mornings. I usually go out for my runs when it's still completely dark. I do my warmups, pace my running, and before I even know it, the sun is already up. If there's a transition I can sort of point out, it's the slight cold phase where everything else becomes too blinding for my very sensitive eyes. Now that I'm thinking about it, it's my absolute favorite time of the day. Everything feels so quiet, and the temperature is always just right. We're already halfway through the week. Isn't time fast? So, I ran the morning 5 kilometers and had my breakfast. I caught up on some sleep before getting myself ready for school. I like it when I find things I can control. That statement might seem out of context, but I swear it makes sense. I've been sticking to a lot of new routines, and I'm glad I've always been the type to have crazy discipline. Anyway, when I woke up the second time around, I took my time getting ready, then spent my remaining 30 minutes before I had to leave the house writing notes for one of my subjects. I never write notes in class. I can retain information pretty quickly just by listening. Literal proof that I'm a good listener. That's if I even cared an ounce. I got to school so early that I panicked and called some of my friends. I figured that if the class was empty, everyone must've gone somewhere without informing me, which is very plausible considering I never check my inbox for announcements and such. Turns out I was just the earliest one there. I haven't received a single late slip this month. Be proud of me. I was excused for this orientation thing during our first class. My name was posted up on the school bulletin for those selected to take this test for school accreditation. It was basically just a list full of nerds (top students). People say it's something to be proud of, and some were even mad they weren't chosen. I really could not care less. I'm ranked 5th in our whole grade, so it wasn't hard to put two and two together. Of course, I'd get more extra work and have to go to school for two more consecutive days starting tomorrow while the others get to rest in the comforts of their home. I was watching the new episode of Mashle with noise-canceling on during the orientation, so I really had no idea what was happening. When I got back to class, there was this whole debate and discourse happening. Okay, for some context, we have this business that has already been approved, but we're planning on incorporating a bunch of other revenue streams because that's just how businesses work. Our mentor proposed for her friend to 'help us' by basically taking half of our allotted space with her big machines for her keychain thing that would sell for a very small price. We'd only get a cut of 20% from each sale, which makes it such a bad deal. Our mentor, who teaches business ethics, was so incredibly unethical to bring her personal relations, telling us that if we didn't avail her friend's business, her image would be ruined, and she'd fail all of us. We also have the business from the previous semester that she completely rejected out of pure pettiness. Some additional information: this is the same teacher who loathes me for never attending class and still can't find a way to fail me because my papers are always objectively perfect. She's unwilling to let us cut off a business liability just to save her face from shame or whatever. We never made any contracts, so she was doing this all to herself. Now our whole class, who won every award last semester, is getting all the disadvantages, and we're letting it happen. She probably expected that we'd come to her office and beg for forgiveness. Hypocrites don't deserve that. Then we had some class for counseling right after that. It was so funny because the air was so tense. Great timing, if I'm being honest. We were tasked to do a couple of activities. We made some business cards for whatever reason and answered more college-related aptitude tests. I had economics and club after, both of which were just free times. My parents picked me up, and then we had lunch out. When I got home, I took my nap, did my blog, and worked out. I was already sleepy around 8 PM but had a couple of tasks I had to do, so I ended up sleeping at around 11 PM. Wish me luck for my test tomorrow!

March 19, 2024

I did not wake up early. That's the first time in a while. I've been very consistent with waking up at exactly 5:30 AM every single day. And while technically, I did still wake up early, I had no choice but to snooze my alarm and sleep in. I needed an extra hour of sleep since I slept a little later than usual last night. If I forced the whole morning run thing, I would've totally passed out. School went by pretty quickly. We didn't really have any lectures. We just go to school for attendance at this point. Lane had so many vacant subjects that she just sat in with me for my entire schedule. The only thing occupying my time now is math and financing. Basically, whenever they add a new revenue stream, I always have to readjust our financial reports. I do all of this with Rio, so it's not that much of a drag. We had a seminar on college applications again. I did not listen. Very random but just to give quick appreciation, my research teacher was actually so nice to rip me a paper from her notepad with all the notes I need for the Pearson correlation coefficient (r) formulas and other complications. We spent the last two hours of school watching a rather uneventful basketball game. Not that I was expecting anything, but a single point on the ring was such a struggle for them that it was affecting me physically. No, I'm not being dramatic (I am). Anyway, Lane stuck around and was set on accompanying me for the whole day. She was with me until we reached the school gates. Along the way, Brie joined us, so she and Lane switched places. I ended up going with Brie to the mall. Tony saw us on the sidewalks and gave Brie a call, that was a pretty interesting cameo. We got Biscoffs, which I have been craving for so long. It's like a drug I've completely taken out of my system. Good to be back, though. We caught up on a lot of things. I told her some pretty funny stories, and we kind of just talked. Nothing has changed, and I'm glad to have confirmed that. I tend to overthink my relationships a lot whenever I lose contact with people for a while. I was sent a text telling me I got into this test thing. Apparently, it's important, and we're having an orientation for it tomorrow. I think it's for the top students of the school, but I really don't know as much. I'll look into it tomorrow. When I got back home, I had a lot of people asking me to give them a call so they could work on a couple of school activities with me. Now, that's great and all, but I have this problem of accepting all invitations. I don't ever learn my lesson because somehow, I always find a way around it. I ended up telling all of them to just go into VC, and I'd be there. I always end up gathering the weirdest set of people from way too different cliques. They never complain, so I'm taking that as a win. Before I did get into the call with all those people, I worked out and did arms. I hate arms. I have little to no care for the upper part of the body. It's not the build I'm going for. I do notice that I've somehow built strength in my arms already without even focusing on that muscle group. I'm nearing the mark of a whole month of this whole new hobby I've been obsessing over. Anyway, I had to write my financial statements with Rio and guide everyone else with whatever they were working on. The whole entire class was cramming for our paper. The task was actually distributed quite fairly. I did all that, so I should be thanking myself. My task was definitely the most intimidating, but it wasn't necessarily hard. I did the Statement of Comprehensive Income, Statement of Financial Position, and Cash Flow with Rio. He was lowkey panicking. I told him to chill out. I had to leave the call early since my eyes were already falling. I was already setting my bed up when my brother rang my phone up. He was going to attempt the remote play feature on the PS5 when he's literally miles away. We tried to configure the settings and all that process but ultimately failed. His wifi wasn't fast enough. I feel bad. He's coming back home soon. I'm excited for that.

March 18, 2024

I don't feel so bad today. It's Monday, which means I'd have early classes and wouldn't be able to run, which sucks. I received another set of compliments right before classes started. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. We have a few problems with the new business we're establishing as a class. Basically, every project proposal our teacher approves feels forced and dumb, and no one is willing to invest in the capital. It's not fun when we're just paying for grades. Our teacher has a huge ego and insists on implementing suggestions that we know won't sell. Everyone is laying off that whole money waste, and she got absolutely furious. She threatened to fail our whole class, citing embarrassment over how the class she's handling isn't meeting their standards. But the fact is, we won last semester's business competition because we were sure we'd generate money. Now her proposition is as good as a shot in the dark. The class usually counts on me to explain the situation, but she has a personal vendetta against me. In any scolding she does, I always get a special mention and segment on punctuality and attendance. Is it really my fault I'm not her perfect little student who just gets hundreds on everything? I'm the latter for sure, but it's so blatant that she's projecting. I'm only taking this from how she used to teach us about the importance of having fun in the moment because she never got to live her life. Anyway, we had economics for our next class and had our grades consultation. Best believe I got a hundred. So, I got that news and started setting up my makeshift bed at the back of the class. I caught up on the sleep I lost from last night. I also got the highest overall grades in philosophy. Since I'm setting the curve, that means I also got a hundred in that class. Honestly, no idea how I'm getting away with being such a no-show student and still coming out on top.
Our literature class was an hour of convincing our teacher to let us off. We were given the wrong details about the deadline for our script and had to beg her. Luckily, Skylar was good with words and managed to charm the teacher into letting us submit tomorrow with no score deductions. It was a fast day. I had lunch with Lane, and I only got to attend 10 minutes of our research class. I had to go up to our research teacher and explain my problems from yesterday. She still hasn't found the answer and will be discussing it with other statistics teachers.So, all I had left was my MathSci Quiz Bee. What was I even doing there? It definitely didn't go well, as I had anticipated. I mean, I was on top of our batch, but I did not belong there, nor did the others who were chosen, apparently. But all I did was guess. At least I wasn't the one to score the lowest. Tragic, but fun. I got a certificate, and that made the weird experience worth it. Sine carpooled with me home. Very cool.
When I got home, I played with my baby brother for a bit since he was not letting me take my afternoon nap. He's been really clingy recently. Whenever I'd pass out, he'd either climb on top of me or wrap himself around my arms. When he successfully woke me up, we played some mini golf outside.
Staring at the ceiling has become a new hobby of mine. I'm seriously considering it. I accidentally zoned out and started crying. It's a good thing, considering I did all that sad stuff before working out. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular. It’s just the same old empty feeling I've been getting for quite a while now.
Anyway, the only homework I had was to fake a semester's worth of handwritten notes. Such a weird requirement. I'm going to sleep once I finish writing this entry. I have to wake up early for my morning run.

March 17, 2024

I failed at today's attempt to draw a GPS heart on Strava. I finished my 5-kilometer run around the same time as yesterday. I could've sworn I did it faster today. Must've been my necessary turn trying to draw random things that all turned out ugly anyway. There are a few personalities, or well, characters in my neighborhood that have incorporated their way into my mornings. To mention a few, I always look for the three old best friends who walk together every day, a really athletic-looking dude who's way faster at running than I could ever dream to be, two dog walkers who are also always together, and two old - I assume they are married - couples. I had breakfast and decided I'd rest today. My body is incredibly sore. The run should be enough for my daily activity. I took a nap before taking a shower. I don't have anything else planned for today besides working on my research paper. I was assigned to do the whole chapter 4. Again, it's a mutual agreement for me and my whole class to let me handle all the math portions in exchange for the tedious work. I completed the entire encoding process, interpreted, and analyzed the data. We had over 200 respondents, so it took a while. I used a bunch of Excel equations to speed up the process. The only problem I encountered was with the Pearson correlation coefficient (r). The formula was easy enough to understand, but inputting the x and y values accurately was challenging due to the differences in the Likert scale, making it a bit more complicated. I'll probably consult my teacher about it tomorrow. I'm sure she'll just suggest translating the numbers on the scale. I also have the MathSci Quiz Bee tomorrow. I don't have any plans to study. I'm totally going to flunk that competition. I don't really care. What a nerd.
I made my teacher malfunction with all the math concerns I was raising. I feel very unaccomplished today. I was productive, but I feel like I still wasted a lot of time. I completed my 5km run early this morning, finished my research, completed a project, finished a book, and much more. Why do I feel like I didn’t do enough? Maybe it’s my screen time? I don’t like it when I use my phone. Anyway, I've been eating like a squirrel recently. The only snacks I have been consuming recently are nuts, specifically cashews. I have a lot of gratitude for this world. I might be going through a lot, which may seem insignificant to other people, but it still hurts me. I still appreciate the life I was given. It sounds corny as hell, I know. But I'm so appreciative of the fact that I always get to try again the next morning. I used to think that if I could just have a clean slate, start again with nothing to lose, I might be able to get rid of the anxiety of messing up. I've been messing up a lot. And even then, I'm still relatively well. The fact that I have yet to find contentment is enough to keep me going. It would be nice if I could find that, but this is good too. It's fun. Sometimes it can be quite depressing, but I'm given enough privilege to have multiple attempts. If I were me from five years ago in September, I would've just been writing suicide notes. I still have them with me, but god, that was a horrible time for me to live. The nicest and most understanding people are always the ones who have experienced some pretty horrible stuff. This is why if anyone were to plead or cry for help, I'd always believe them. No sane person would do that for the shallowest of attention. I don't see how people find that hard to understand. I'm totally going off track, but the bottom line is, I'm glad to be alive. I mean it, really. I'm not the type of person who'd throw pity parties.
I was doing a bunch of last-minute homework with some friends. Skylar and Rio were there too. We crammed our scripts and this whole article analysis we had to write. Everyone eventually left because they had to focus on their work. Skylar and I were left behind and started talking about whole other topics. It was funny. We almost got caught saying the most outlandish and out of pocket things. We forgot we were on a public VC. I did realize a few things. I feel like I'm way too old school hopeless romantic. Skylar was telling me about his first almost-girlfriend and how that had turned out. How they both eventually moved on, and it was fine. It was normal. Of course, it was. I totally get that. But it's just inapplicable for my messed-up brain. I must've been a dog in my past life. I genuinely believe that that sort of thing is way too out of character for me. I mean, Skylar reassured me that my way of things was actually good. But I also needed to learn the lesson that not everyone is like me, and people can be casual about a lot of things. And I understand that. I just got unlucky. Now I'm forced to either love the same person again or no one at all. I knew that from the start. I should've been smarter. It was a pretty great talk. I hope one day I can learn how to be like those other people.

March 16, 2024

I downloaded this app that can track your running activity. It's called Strava. I started my morning run at 5:55 AM, which is relatively late, but it's also an angel number, so I'm taking that as a sign that I must doing something right. I'm not superstitious, but it's a fun little coincidence that doesn't hurt anyone. The run itself was around 5 kilometers and took me about 40 minutes, give or take. Tomorrow, I'm planning on trying out a different route and maybe draw a heart while I'm at it. I also want to run as straight as possible. I really just want to try out random side quests at this point. The sun hit the trees so perfectly today that I noticed how many spider webs trees usually have. I saw different variations of it evenly scattered throughout the trees in my neighborhood. When I got home, I showered, then FaceTimed with Sirko. Her college decisions are out, and she's already been accepted to her second top pick, but she also applied to UCLA. After a while, we talked about some recent things in our lives. We've become such boring people, except I still have that one pathological liar friend who keeps Sirko and me entertained. Here's the thing, I don't want to be the one to break it to her (referring to that liar friend). We're all going our separate ways in college, and I've made the firm decision to let those new people who meet her be the ones to clock her and call her out. We've been friends for quite some time, and if I were the one to tell her that everyone in her life has known about her lies, she'd go beyond embarrassment and feel shame. I don't plan on putting that onto anyone. Sirko did tell me that she was literally going to hit me in the head because she wants to humble her so bad. But honestly, I think everyone can agree that I am way too nice and have too little care for all that effort. After the call ended, I worked out, ate, and then slept again. I'm really just proving how boring I've become. But I like it that way. To wake myself up and because I felt dirty, I had another quick shower (I swear I need to get myself tested). I watched the new episode for Mashle too! My mom got me takeout food and I ate again. I've been hitting all my daily macronutrient counts. I actually eat three times a day now. So there's that. I've been playing with my baby brother a lot. I'm moving out in a few months and I just know that I'll be missing him a lot. I invited him over to my room and we played a bunch of games.
I had a talk with Sirko earlier about this feeling that I get. I have this genuine fear. I feel like I've reached the limit in finding things out. I just want to cover my ears. I've been so scared that I've been avoiding everything. I mean that literally. I know it's long gone, and Sirko was sure I felt this fear because I wanted to keep the good parts of it. Because I didn't want to alter anything and I was scared that one day I'll grow indifferent. I'll be honest, this whole thing is against my will. I was well content with loving silently. That was until a couple of things took its turn. Again, it's no one's fault, but if it had just never happened. If I never saw it, I would've been fine. People (online forums) say it's a good thing knowing it's a whole bullet you've just dodged, but I don't know. I want to defend that bullet. I know there's good in that bullet. It's sad. I mean, it's unfair. While they get to throw everything out, I still keep every last leftover in the bed I sleep at. Like everything. I reread all the letters so often knowing the person who wrote it doesn't even exist anymore. It's so unfair. I may or may not be crying right now. My 11 PMs have turned into my 3 AMs. I guess no matter how early I sleep my last thought would always be the one I wish I could forget. When should I let go? I can't figure out what I want because everything scares me. I'm scared of being misunderstood, scared of saying the wrong things, scared of walking away, and scared of staying. I'm stuck. I usually choose not to talk about this here, but I feel like I should log this step just this once. It's a new feeling. I'm scared. A pit in my stomach that just won't go away.

March 15, 2024

I found an empty Airheads wrapper while cleaning my bag. The contents of the said bag include a pink calculator, a card holder, an empty wallet, 2 lip products, and not much else. And yet I still carry it with me to school every single day. We're having our midterms exam today. I am very confident that I'll do well. It rained for the first time in a while. Pretty cool. I came to school an hour early so I could maybe clear my head and read through the materials one last time. For safety measures, I just had to check up on the gears in my brain. They might've rusted overnight, how was I to know? I stayed in the library for a bit until the bell rang. Before the exams were given out, I was called to the front and was given an invitation paper. Apparently, I had one of the highest scores in that one science and math thing. Now my name is listed at the top of the MathSci Quiz Bee. I do not belong in competitions. I care too little for them. I'm competitive, but not this kind. I'd originally just skip it, but I can't because I'm one absence away from getting withdrawn from the Dean's listers. I need to graduate with highest honors, preferably somewhere in the top 3 again. I'm not making it too much of a goal; our teachers were pretty unfair this semester. Can't do anything about it, I was barely in class anyway. I thank myself for having such a huge brain capacity. The exams went awesome. One of them had the exact answers as the ones I had gotten from the advanced answers. But I'm smart and I actually spotted a bunch of mistakes on the leak. I am like the perfect balance of good and evil. Isn't that awesome? My parents picked me up from school, and I tagged along during my mom's grocery shopping. Best believe I was picking out a bunch of things high in protein. Okay, I was talking to this other friend about supplements and I'm still thinking about whether or not I should actually take them. I reach my goal pretty much every day from its natural sources already, so I might just wait for a while before I try waters with that whole thing. When I got home, I passed out. I woke up, washed, worked out, then ate. I traded fun for peace today. I could not physically go out anymore. My social battery is very drained. I cried in the shower. I also cried while talking to my mom about some things. Then I cried again in the next shower that I took. I am still the same old when it comes to being clean. It's a whole tedious process, but I just love it. The last time I cried was a little over a week ago. I'm okay, though. It's pre-workout, trust. For the past years, my cries have always been so limited that you could actually count them with your fingers. I've only cried thrice this month. That's a 90% decrease from last month and the month before that. I'm doing fine. I'll work on my book for a bit, then I'm calling it a night.

March 14, 2024

Happy Pi Day to those who celebrate. I didn't complete the 5 kilometers. I woke up 30 minutes later than usual, but that meant the sun was already up. My head was in a loop, and I wasn't processing anything. I gave up with only 10 minutes left of running. I just couldn’t. My self-esteem has been really low recently. I was listening to a podcast, and it made me loathe myself so much. Maybe it's my insecurities creeping in. I've become someone I can't be alone with. I used to not have the need to outsource love and assurance. I loved being with myself. And maybe I still do, but having to think about anything makes me want to vomit. I still don't get how I feel. Like I'd rather not be with friends because they stress me out a lot, but also when I'm with friends, I can be another version of myself. Not the most authentic, but also not fake. I mean that in a way that I get to pick parts of myself that I actually like and stay with that. Basically, fake it till I make it, but not exactly fake, just conveniently presenting the likable part of myself.If that makes sense. It's tiring. I don't like being with myself or being with people. How convenient is that? I say that maybe one day I'd find someone who I'd feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with, but the chances of that are very low. I have Sirko, but even I know my problems get too much sometimes. I am incapable of putting a burden on other people. I also haven't been feeling the prettiest. I miss how I used to look. I'm probably just crazy, but I swear I don't recognize myself anymore. I think it got worse the day I found some stuff out, and it's only been going downhill from then. I'm choosing to ignore it, but it's been affecting me so much. My insufficiencies haunt me. Maybe if I were actually pretty. A little smarter? Nicer? I don’t get what made me so replaceable. Well, I can't even get myself to like me. I don't need Sherlock to know the answers to that, honestly. So maybe I do get it. I wish I could un-get it. I used to like myself, whatever happened to that. On a lighter note, I had a funny encounter with a neighborhood dog during my run. So that was fun. I ate breakfast and got ready for the day.
I'm hosting a study group in my other house. I have quite a few people dropping by. People love to study with me. Guessing the exam's contents is like this very useful talent I have. It's not even anything complicated, generally, people always have a pattern they stick to. The same thing could be applied to teaching methods teachers use. The first person to come to my house was actually one which I invited very last minute. It took him like 5 minutes to come. I ordered food for everyone, like a good host, and ate first. We didn't exactly all eat at the same time since everyone was arriving at different times. I have mentioned almost all of the people who came by in this blog. We were pretty chill about studying. Ria was either singing, eating, or asleep. It's okay, she'll make it through our midterms tomorrow. Lane was heavily distracted by another friend of mine she had a crush on. And for the rest of the people who actually shared the same courses I did, I taught them the lessons like I always do. We played some Kahoots I made the night before, then I ended up getting the exam's leak. So everyone who came to my house will for sure be getting somewhat close to a perfect score, if not a perfect score. Nobody wanted to leave. We were all having such a good time that everyone was extending their stay hour after hour. I didn't mind it. I love people's company. Except for one. My pathological liar friend was there and whenever she's placed in any big group, it kind of triggers her lies. I clocked all of them (privately). It was funny. In the middle of studying, somebody suggested we go out and do some grocery shopping. Some context, the house I was at, is our guest house so it has a bunch of accommodations that make it a livable and functioning house. So we walked to the store pretty nearby and got the ingredients. I felt so guilty. I feel like I'm allergic to unhealthy foods now. They, referring to my friends, suggested that I treat today as a cheat day. While they were convincing me, I was telling my friend that we should ditch everyone and go to the gym literally in front of the house. Maybe next time, when we don't have a test to study for. We cooked, it was fun and chaotic, then got our share of plates. I gave them a house tour as per requested too. I'm gonna be honest, I literally discovered a new room in that house tour. I don't usually go upstairs. So that's good to know. Before we ended our little hangout, my friend (the gym bro one) cleaned up, and my other friend (my classmate, also our president) did the dishes. They're such nice guests. For that, I'm giving them names in this blog. In the order mentioned, I'll call them Rio and Peter. When I got home, I showered and hopped on call with Sine and Peter. We brushed up on our subjects for tomorrow, and when Sine left, I taught the whole Literature lesson to Peter. I've been prepared for this Midterms since forever. I don't really need for anyone to wish me luck, but for good measures, wish me luck!

March 13, 2024

I had a very slow 5-kilometer run. I have school later in the day, so I wasn't in my best spirits. I was just in my head. I couldn't find a good playlist I could stick to. After all that, I did my workout, had breakfast, and took my time getting ready for school. I could barely walk up the flight of stairs at school to where my classroom was located. I had the stamina for it, but I could feel my hamstrings begging me to just stop. To put it out there, I love it when my body's sore. It would mean that I'm doing something right. I literally hate the days when none of my muscles are hurting. Nonetheless, I just wanted to sit down. So I did. Our first class was free time. So was our second (turned it into my nap time). We had a long test that I did not study for in our third. Before the subject, I was sent leaks of the test we were just about to take. I answered it, and it wasn't that bad. I'm not surprised I can perfectly answer a test I did not prepare for. I've already read through that subject's materials a while back. I retain information pretty well. It's good to remind myself that I really don't need to try as hard. I am literally a prodigy. I feel like my sense of morals is so chaotic. I like it that way though. I'm very reasonable with a lot of things. We had club today, and I actually attended. Club is usually just a free pass for an hour session of yapping. We're friends with our moderator, so time usually passes pretty quickly.
My friends are hitting me up with the casual "send the addy." So teenager of them. I was going through a dilemma. I had made plans with another friend group and had to cancel for another. I felt so bad. I had to choose between my social life and academics. You could guess which one I chose. Picking a decision took up so much of my time that I ended up not being able to study for the night. I had to pick what was beneficial for my grades. I am so incredibly sorry.

March 12, 2024

My legs are still sore from yesterday. The 5-kilometer run went by pretty fast. I ran faster each time a single thought would cross my mind. I wish I could shut it up. But then again, I've already experienced this before. My insomnia stemmed from my relentless overthinking of the most useless things ever. I swear I get my talking problem from the tiny voice inside my head. But after many failed experiments, I've learned to deal with it. Now, I can drift off to sleep almost instantly, regardless of time or place. That took me years to figure out. I cried countless nights thinking I'd never get better. I saw three bags of dried leaves during my run. It looked pretty. I like seeing pretty things. I don't have school today. I showered, had breakfast, took a short nap, and then worked out. Not exactly ideal, but my body was aching. I'm almost done with my current read. Speaking of reading, I also helped my baby brother with his new set of words. As a reward, I let him play Flash games on my laptop. Then, I got back to writing my book and had lunch. I've been sending people those slime, cake, wax, or food videos. I think they're the funniest things ever. I had a few things to study for today. I wasn't exactly rushing for any deadlines or had the need cram. I'm already well-versed with all our lessons. I did some pretty light study sessions. I went on a call with a friend. I can trace back this need for codependence to 4 years ago. Back when we still had online classes, I must've found it comforting just knowing that there was another person with me pulling all-nighters and all that. It boosts my motivation. If it works, why do I have to change that? I don't even need to have them talk, I just want the presence of another individual. Anyway, I completed some projects not due until next week too. My friend and I ended up just talking since there was really nothing left to study. He did bring up the topic about my insane networking. I feel like I'm the go-to guy if you ever need to reach anyone. I don't know how I ended up becoming friends with a lot of people from different cliques. I'm not complaining, connections are very useful. Skylar joined our call after a while. I wrote some more (and even annotated) for my book. I hope this little hobby doesn't die down. The book heavily relies on my emotions, so I can only wish for the best. Just putting this here because it means a lot, but I received the best acknowledgement and praise ever. Skylar told me that I was his lifeline. Apparently, I am hard-carrying his life right now. Academically, almost the whole class relies on my reviewers. I'm also a good motivator. I've never been the type to invalidate hard work. I always tell people I get hundreds because I memorize everything. The people I was on call with was thanking me for my services. It made me feel like I was actually contributing to other people's lives and that my existence still meant at least something for someone. Our topic eventually shifted into something more personal, and Skylar and I had to transfer to a private call. I learned a few things. Really good things actually. Like too good. Good in a way that makes me smirk. That's weird to say, but long story short, defaults are defaults for a reason. I was so happy that I made another cover. I have been posting so many videos of me playing instruments (by instruments I mean the same old acoustic or electric guitar and piano rotation) and singing some specific lyrics. Although I've always done them, it's weird because it used to be so occasional. I must really be going through it, huh? My favorites are the ones filmed on my MacBook. The bad microphone quality just adds to it.

March 11, 2024

It's been a while since I last attended our school's morning assemblies. I woke up at 6 AM and somehow still made it on time. To be fair, I really can't afford to mess up now. I'm on high probation. Well, not too high. I have plot armor. A friend of mine even commented on how he found it awesome how I could just dance through the school's dress code. His words, not mine. Even if I didn't try, my purple hair is already breaking that code. Our school is definitely allergic to cool. Speaking of cool, I need to lessen my usage of that word. It's been my favorite reply recently. It keeps my mouth from information vomiting 24/7. I've also noticed how my laugh has changed. It's weird. I don't like it. But, what can I do? I always overlook how active I actually am in school. On the days that I do attend, I feel like I've always taken the floor. Against my will, but people's votes keep me there. We were supposed to have a bunch of tests today, but I guess every teacher collectively decided to scrap that idea and move it all to next week. I appreciate that and all, but they could've told us sooner. It would've saved me a couple more hours of sleep. I usually have the aux in class, but my other friends were addicted to billiards techno music so they took over. It was funny because they were so respectful of me. They put on Taylor Swift techno music. How sweet is that? During our Literature class, we discussed the project I talked about in one of my previous entries. We were drawing lots for the topic and form of postmodern literature we'd be incorporating into our presentation. Skylar called me out for luck. Using my hands for the random selection put us at a great advantage. We got the easiest one, which was Parody, and our topic was Taylor Swift. I got a lot of daps for that show of luck. It wasn't even just that. Before I even got to pick, I already had offers. They all were set on giving me Taylor if they ever got it. I am so grateful for all my friends. I walked home with the group I've been hanging out with recently. The one with Skylar. I mean, it's not even a new one. We've always been in the same circle of friends since 8th grade. I was telling them about hitting the gym after class. They also invited me for golf sometime soon. So I did leg day and a couple of other favorite workouts then just died. I got home pretty quickly. I teared up a bit. I was staring at the one light in my room's ceiling. I forgot to mention, but for the whole day, I've been slowly making progress on the book I'm writing. I taught my baby brother a new game on my laptop. He's learning to use just one hand when pressing the WASD keys. I was on a call with Skylar for the rest of the night. We were working on our project. We're actually underground rap artists. We made the coolest bars ever and are actually very proud of our work. I did have to go after a while since my discipline is insane and I'm actually sticking to my early runs. I find it cute that my friends are supporting me with this new hyperfixation. Glazing goes insane.

March 10, 2024

I put my hair up in a very messy braid. I'm trying to map out a good route. I finished a 6-kilometer run just a little after the sun came up. My workout was focused on core again. I had a fairly good shower and came downstairs for breakfast. I don't feel as heavy anymore. I had to open a new pack of bandaids because of how blistered my feet have become. The price I have to pay. My mom made me hot milk too, which was a nice gesture. I eat pretty slowly, so I started studying while eating to not waste any time. I have continued studying since. Or at least I tried to. My mind is very interrupted, and I hate that I break everything I come into contact with. It's actually so serious. I was on a call with a friend. We were supposed to study but ended up just having an extended conversation about protein. Don’t even ask how. We did solve a few equations. Very simple. Not entirely simple because even though we’re both smart at math, he was starting to question the formula and I was starting to lose it. Over one wrong input. I put in the wrong sign. Rookie mistake. Almost cried today. But I think my body is physically incapable of producing them now. I just feel very overwhelmed. On top of that, time really does tell. But right now, the bandaids are wearing off. I actively listened to We Can’t Be Friend (Wait For You Love) by Ariana grande for about 10 hours straight. I rewatch Star Wars a lot hoping for Padme and Anakin’s happy ending. It never happens. I should learn by now. The song attacked me so personally that I learned it on the piano and did a cover. Before I went to sleep, I received a call from Lane. Fun fact, she has the biggest crush on the person I was previously on call with. I've been trying to set them up. She talked about all her attempts at forming some sort of interaction with him and one of them was when she was looking for me. I found out that everyone apparently just assumes that I get called into the disciplinary office often. And while I do, why would is that the first place people suggest to check out when they're guessing my whereabouts. All the time Lane was looking for me, I was literally on the classroom floor sleeping. After her stories, I ended up teaching her all my lessons. Every call I get into ends up turning into a study session. I take all the blame for that. When I'm to lazy to actively recall my notes, I just use the Feynman's method.

March 09, 2024

It's still very dark outside, it's 5:30 AM. I brushed my teeth, clipped my bird's nest (hair), put on my headphones, and wore a hoodie. I went for a 5-kilometer run for about an hour. It's insane because I've already doubled my steps compared to a regular day, all in just the first hour of today. When I got back, I paced my walking and calmed down for a bit. Yesterday's workout focused on my core, and today I'm focusing on arms. After working out, I showered. Then, I logged some daily activities on my laptop. I've decided to finally start my listography account! I'm obsessed with it, though it took me quite a while to set up. I ate my first meal of the day, all the while, this was happening. With some extra time, I watched a couple of long-duration videos and ended up falling asleep. When I woke up, I saw a text from Sirko. She got into her dream university! The first word of her letter read "Congratulations," and that's when you just know. I am incredibly happy for her. Life has been treating us really well recently. Take it from us, it really does get better. Not too long ago, we were going through the worst, and it's not like we're not open to vulnerabilities, we expect them to come back, but that's just how things go. Right now, we're happy, and this contentment is something I would never trade for anything in the world. I created more lists and made myself a peanut butter sandwich. Check out my Listography! My mom made me some chocolate milk and got me fries too. Super grateful for that. I have finished making all the lecture summary notes needed for this week's upcoming midterms, and I'm actually pretty advanced. All that's left is for me to revise and memorize them. I should be good.

March 08, 2024

Feeling a lot like when Bad Habits by Steve Lacy was played everywhere, and I was in the streets of New York, with cars blasting that song as I waited for the next stoplight to cross the road and make a run for the next block to get Sirko a book from Barnes. I woke up late today. I didn't mean to, but I must've snoozed my alarm unknowingly. I rushed through my shower, grabbed a plate of breakfast, then headed to the car. I made it to my first period on time. Our midterms schedule is out, and we're only having 2 tests. Sucks to be the others who didn't take up business. We have a pretty slow workload front, and I am very much well-rested. School was very routine-like today. I actually liked it. I did fall asleep during my break time and the last half of my first subject. We had free time the whole day. It was awesome. When I got home, I took my afternoon nap and attended a Zoom meeting. We're doing this pitch for our business proposal, and it's a real business we will be investing in soon, so it's quite the thing. I'm leading finance again as the Vice President of the company, and my only role was to explain the math of our business plan. It was very easy. After that, I did a quick wash and worked out for an hour. Shortly after, I ate protein (lots of it), and I'm just really happy right now. I replied to some friends I have been leaving inboxed for and I had to explain the weird phase I've been going through. I wrote a bit, took yet another nap, played with my baby brother and got ready for bed early. Today felt long and I love that. I'm unwinding before I go to sleep with Mary Oliver's book Devotions.

March 07, 2024

My makeup felt like butter on skin. I somehow feel healthy. Maybe I just haven't been feeling my best recently. But I'm good right now. I feel happy. I was very active the whole day. I had this burst of energy, and I don't even know where it's coming from. I must've been struck by lightning overnight while I was sleeping or something. I got called again to the office, which sucks. If I'm not mistaken, it should be the last one. Again, I wasn't wearing the proper dress code, so I had to switch pants with Sine. I'm glad she's cool with it. I barely have any recollections of my classes. We had activities that I participated in, but they didn't leave a lasting impression. Our business proposal was put on hold, so we decided to scrap our initial ideas and come up with something on the spot. I mean, if it wasn't getting approved at first submission, there was definitely something wrong. We ended up creating something pretty promising. We already got ourselves a key partner who's willing to get a cut of our profit too. Philosophy class was a bore. I tried listening for the first half of it, but before I even knew it, I was already at the back of the class snoozing. I received my papers from my Literature subject, and so far, all my grades have been straight As. Not a single mistake on any of the papers, and some even exceeded the total score. We had groupings for a project we'll soon be having, and I just had to excuse myself - missing the selection of leaders. When I returned, I was confused because they were telling me to pick. One, I'm bad at picking, and two, my head was out of the loop. Before I could even make my decision, they outsmarted everyone and appointed Skylar as the leader, who then chose me as his assistant leader against my will. This project accounts for 60% of our final grade. I got finessed.
After school, as scheduled, I brought Ria and Lane over to my other house. That house is basically the hangout house. Our main purpose of the day was to hit the gym. We'll be occupying our Thursdays with this whole after-school hangout thing. I had the most fun today. I was hurting from laughing so hard more than the actual workouts we were doing. Before we got there, we went through the drive-thru at Burger King, and Ria introduced us to their chicken, which was so good. Back at the house, we feasted while talking about my friend's ex. Ria started comparing him to a guy from Pink Panther, and it was funny. I even grabbed a napkin and claimed that he was easy to draw. So, I drew him. It looked exactly like him. After that, we did some karaoke. We encountered some technical difficulties, which consumed some time, but my jokes were speeding up the clock. We were having so much fun. After an hour of that, we went to the gym, but we didn't stay long... not at all. Instead, we ended up doing a bunch of workouts at home because there were no other people to judge us. My body was aching. We lied down on the floor, grabbed the microphones we used for karaoke, and started a little podcast session. The day was getting dark, and I had to drop them off at their houses. We bid our goodbyes, and I passed out the moment they left (I sleepwalked from the car to my main house's sofa). Halfway through my paralyzed condition, I overheard my baby brother crying over how I'm always asleep in the morning and afternoon, and we never have time to play anymore. He's really taking to heart the fact that I'll be going to college soon. I wanted to play with him today too, but I couldn't move. I always try my best to make time for him. I love my baby brother so much. I ended my night wrting some more stuff while on a call with Lane.
And again. Crying once again, but right now, it isn’t over the person. It’s doubting if what we had was even real at some point. How can anyone who was so invested in something suddenly just let go of everything so easily unless they never really were invested? There’s just no way in hell it’s happening so fast. I don't blame anyone for it, but God, do I feel betrayed. I still can't see anyone after you, but I guess I was the only one who meant that.
Do I not deserve a good day? I was doing so well.

March 06, 2024

I was seated at the corner of the classroom an hour early before the class had even started. I did get called to the office (alone), which I found very worrying at first, but as it turns out, it wasn't even that bad. Before I visited, I had to change my clothes. I had not a single article of clothing that wasn't violating the dress code. I texted my friends asking for help. I managed to borrow a top from Brie and bottoms from Sine. I was even forced to change my hairstyle since our school doesn't allow dyed hair. I let down my hair and wore a hoodie over it. I returned my borrowed items shortly after. We didn't have many discussions in any of the classes I attended. I spent my lunch with Brie and her friend. We talked about people and events. I started having the worst cramps ever with only a few subjects left right before we were dismissed. We had this interview activity, and I was walking like a zombie. One of my friends offered to make a run and get me panadol because I had lost the ability to walk. His friend told me that he's experienced the period cramps simulator and that he knew how I felt, so he had his respects for me. I feel so validated. I always forget that people don't actually hate me. I slept through club time, and our teacher, who's actually my friend, just let me off. Today is Wednesday. My weeks are starting to feel short again, and I'm glad. When I got home, I played with my baby brother, slept, washed up, made hot chocolate, and did some more writing. I also played a bit of guitar until I realized that I needed to brush up on a topic we're writing an essay about tomorrow. I read over some notes and slept.

March 05, 2024

My morning was greeted with compliments. I hadn't done anything special. I walked to my first class and got two dudes telling me I looked nice. That literally got into my head. It wasn't just that, too. Another girl even told her friend to tell me that she thought I looked pretty. This went on for the whole entire day. I have no idea where they're coming from, but at least that set me in a good mood. It's not that I'm new with compliments, but I do notice a significant increase of it today. It's weird. Recently, Sirko and I have been sending each other those Pinterest life core quotes. We look like a modern version of those live laugh love moms. But I think it's the cutest thing ever. I wasn't in my best state yesterday, but that doesn't water down the fact that I have actually been pretty satisfied with my life lately. I'm making plans again. And that calls out for something.
I got sent to the office during one of my early classes. Obviously, it concerned my attendance. It wasn't that big of a deal. Except for maybe the fact that I can't exceed my limit for lateness and absences this month, or else I'd be off the dean's list. My class has this joke going around that I have become the class's irrelevantly relevant phantom. Like they were used to not seeing me around, but I still played a major part in class. They actually respect how I go about my life. My academics are well on top, and yet I manage to miss every class ever because I'm out traveling miles away. As of the moment, I hold no stress. I am already caught up and well-versed, advanced even, in all my subjects. I've put all the things that weigh my mind back home, but not my current one. Out of sight, out of mind. My brain was flooded with new ideas for my book. I was consulting Ria about it. She helped me a lot! I found myself a corner in class and wrote for a while too. I was all around today. I'd say the word for it is hyper. But that's just how I've always acted.
My night was spent playing the electric guitar. I may have been a bit excessive about it. Maybe a bit too emotional. I broke the strings from playing too hard. Ouch. Succeeding this event, I was forced to unplug it and play another day once I get the guitar fixed. I drifted off to sleep while writing my book.
I have solidified a recent discovery I made. I am grossed out. It feels like a favorite piece of comfort clothing becoming an outside one. That's a high level lost of respect, by the way.

March 04, 2024

I barely got any sleep last night. I decided to intentionally take the 3 hours of sleep and go to school early. I've been told off too many times for not attending my early subjects. I knew I was being monitored. I was writing a very long paragraph just before I went off to bed yesterday. It was a gut feeling. I confirmed it in the middle of my first class's lecture. I excused myself and cried in the bathroom stalls. I called Sirko and let my tears drip horizontally since I didn't want to make a mess. I was quietly sobbing and listening to Sirko comfort me until I heard a familiar voice. It was Lane's. I didn't tell her why I was crying, and I told her not to tell anyone. I'm not supposed to be sad. All I ever do is consider those around me. Why do people choose to hurt me anyway? They for sure knew what they were doing. Being right all the time can get a little tiring. Why can't I just be left alone? I don't understand. For the record, I never even doubted myself. Of course, I'd be right. I always am. It sucks that I'm right even in the things I want to be wrong in. But fair trade, I guess. And everyone took me for a crazy person. I'm not. I've been silent, but I've reasoned out every possible probability. It's not that defending myself matters because I think I can handle the blame well enough alone. If I published the notebook I religiously wrote in, trying to figure out where I went wrong, maybe people would take my side too. Except maybe it's a bit too cynical for anyone's liking. There's pretense somewhere between the lines when people tell me they understand. Because I understand, and I would've never done what they do to me. And now I'm supposed to exit the bathroom with a smile. Because god forbid I burden them with any more problems when I know they probably already carry enough weight on their own. I understand. I actually went to excuse myself a couple more times after the first one. I got a text message later on in the day from Skylar asking me about what happened. Apparently, what I thought nobody was noticing, he noticed. He claims to have seen the tears in my eyes. I was so sure to wipe them off each time I left. I had my 3 long tests. I think I got about 3 mistakes on each one of the tests. Oddly specific number, but I am well aware of the mistakes I make. I had a mental block for the first time in a while in one of my tests. It's understandable. My brain right now is very occupied. I wish it would stop. For the whole day, I found it difficult to breathe. I was nauseous. Because all it took was one confirmation, and my intentions have changed. I was basically forced out of a place I wanted to stay at. I wanted to stay. But all's well that ends well or whatever Shakespeare wrote. I had lunch with Ria, Lane, and Brie. That kept my mind off things for a bit. We talked about gym schedules. I haven't been writing about that particular topic in my blog, even though it's been quite the interest I've had for a while, only because I don't think anybody really wants to read that, and I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. I might though, when I feel good about it. I tried my best to act like my regular self today. It went decent. I picked up some coffee before going home, and when I got home, instead of the usual passing out, I ate a meal and played with my baby brother. I took the time I didn't have to start writing the book I talked about wanting to write yesterday. I drafted out a couple of plans for the chapters and wrote a couple of random lines. I wrote it while listening to Gracie Abram's unreleased songs. The book in my head is already well-established. I sadly had to ruin that flow and actually put all that book thing on hold. I have a 20-page research due tomorrow, and I have yet to open a document file. I cleaned up for the night and called Skylar to finish our separate research papers. I finished two hours before midnight. Since I figured I still had time, I decided to cut my hair. Yes, again. I have a problem.

March 03, 2024

It’s currently 4 AM, and I’ve been giggling, rolling around my bed, kicking my feet, throwing my pillows, screaming, and pacing around my room. I am so incredibly in love. I am flushed. My head is hanging upside down on the side of my bed. I feel so hot I might actually throw up. I want to write a book. I will be writing a book. I am fully deciding on and committing to writing a book. My heart is literally about to burst out of my chest. Oh my god.
I wrote that paragraph last night, and the first thing I did upon waking up was finish the last chapter of that book. It wasn't a five-star book, but it was very cute. The author is self-published, and I do take notice of all the grammatical errors, but I have my respect for her. I have this thing wherein whenever I finish any sort of media that has storytelling, I never get satisfied with the ending. This is probably why I love Studio Ghibli films; they always feature open endings. But I don't know, I guess it was good. I even highly appreciate the dual perspective in this romance book as the last chapter, but my ego as a classic reader is in the way of making me rate the book a little higher. That, and I am literally romance-deprived. That definitely sets some bias and will tamper with how good the book I actually read was. Objectively, no, it wasn't the best. Subjectively, as per my current condition, it was good. Anyway, I had my shower, cleaned my room, wrote, and ate breakfast.
I've got three long tests lined up for tomorrow, which I only found out about today. Not that I could've done anything if I had known sooner, since I've been so busy this week. You can take a wild guess and figure that I've been studying the whole day. I somehow managed, but let's see how well I can apply what I've learned tomorrow. I'm currently taking a break. I'll do some more studying before midnight, but I'm calling it a night after that. I don't want to stay up late anymore.
I lied, I stayed for an hour more and did the Feynman method with Lane as my pretend student. I started studying exactly at 3:00 PM and ended at 12:45 AM. Total Studied/Elapsed Time: 7 hours, 26 minutes, and 27.681 seconds. I finished at the same time as one of James Scholz's 11-hour livestreams.

March 02, 2024

Discord nuked all URLs hosted on their platform. The links I sourced through Discord are now completely invalid. It's convenient that most of my URLs are directly within the source code of my website. I feel bad for the other Neocities users though.
My sleep cycle, or rather the lack thereof, has been taking a great toll on my body. I've been so dull, and my undereye bags are definitely at their worst state. I feel like with this bad physical state, it affects the rest of my mood like it's on some kind of domino effect. I mean, I'm having fun. But I feel like my system is about to shut down anytime soon. My plans for the day included a lot of study sessions. I scheduled my day out by the hour and everything. But that was halted since I was forced to go out again. This past month has been so busy and full, and all I want to do is study at this very moment. Nonetheless, I had no other choices. I grabbed a cookie and headed out the door. I studied for my Philosophy test in the car and took back some lost hours of sleep. We went to our farm and gave some family members that came with us a tour. Again, a lot of new things have been added since I last visited. Our land there is actually a lot bigger than I remember. A new building is currently under construction. It's a three-storey art gallery and it even has a new fully-built guest house behind it. Then adjacent to the main house, there's now a pool with a to-be-built bar like structure beside it. We stayed there for a while. I introduced my baby brother to Marco Polo while the adults talked. I had a very cold evening. We went out and had dinner at this restaurant. The food there has my nod of approval. But as I'm writing this, I don't think it was really all that. When I finished eating, I went on my phone and started reading an eBook. Here's a few takeaways: I am full of bullshit. I say that I don't want to experience love again out of pity for whoever I'd love next, but oh my god. It took one single line from a book and suddenly my head was spinning again. Because hear me out. I am the biggest hopeless romantic ever. That's a fact that has been set in stone for the longest time. Sure, my first experience with it didn't end up the way I wanted, but there's always a second time, right? I can turn every happy thing that I turned sad into something happy again. Trust. I'll stop carrying the weight I'm so fearful of letting go eventually. I am so weak from that book. I want to scream into a pillow and learn French. We had another long car ride and resided at our other house for a bit. Majority of the topic circulated around personal files and documents, until my baby brother insisted I play with him and we had a round of Marco Polo again. That's when I had the biggest scare of my life ever. He basically went for a dive from one side of the sofa to the other. He tumbled. I didn't see if he went headfirst since the sofa was covering it, but I ran and asked him how he was. He told us he was fine and he was panicking. I asked the scaling of how much it hurt; he's used to that since he's literally at the hospital once or twice a week. He ended up being unscathed, and suddenly everyone in the room was making jokes. I asked him first with like math questions to test his cognitive function. He struggles with math, and it's cute seeing him count, so we all found it funny. Then we made him recite his poem for school. That eventually escalated into us pulling that one invisible prank on him. He believed it. Then for quite some time, he enjoyed it until he started crying because he's literally a child. Then he started having doubts, so I got one of the other older kids in the house to help me pull off the same magic trick. But all I did was like make him hide and my baby brother was amazed. So, I went home, and now I'm writing my blog. It's 3 AM. I am sleeping after this. Goodnight.

March 01, 2024

In a dusty toy shop, a tucked-away Madison Monkey is quietly hoping for the day we meet. Contrary to popular belief, I've always thought that Madison Monkeys are by far the cutest Jellycat ever. I dream of owning one. Earlier, Sirko and I had a little discussion about it - though it wasn't quite an argument, she definitely expressed clear concern about my preference. Madison Monkeys are the best.
I hate family gatherings. I wasn't looking forward to going out today. No, let me rephrase that. I am not looking forward to going out anytime soon. I had a cookie before leaving the house, so that at least put my mood in a neutral state. The gathering was held at my old childhood house. Everything is smaller than I remember. I can barely recognize a single face at our family reunion. It’s my grandmother’s birthday. We have a very extended family, and it feels like this huge event every year. It doesn’t favor my family, though. I think all my distrust in families and my cynical mind stem from our situation. My immediate family is great, but the rest of it... not at all. I will not be detailing out the problems that come with my family, but it’s enough for me to never speak to them. But when I do see them, I obviously plaster a smile on my face. There was this magic show portion of the party. It would’ve and should’ve been good if I wasn’t a know-it-all. The magician was actually a talent from television. Pretty cool. I participated in a charades game and almost won. It was against my will. I wonder what it’s like when you’re not exposed to that many horrible people. In a way, whenever I look for friendship, I have a tendency to stay with those who share similar emotional trauma. Like Sirko. Family lore goes hard for sure. We didn't go straight home but instead to our other house that my aunt and cousin are currently staying at. A shortwhile after, we finally went home. I had dinner, cleaned myself up, then opened my PC.
I sorted out all the files in my website's directory. It was honestly quite the challenge. One of the errors I completely overlooked was this missing forward slash. When I did figure that out, I had to re-edit over 30 files (pages). It was very tedious, but I did it in the end. It's better that I addressed that whole problem sooner. If I were to organize this website any later, I swear it would be near impossible to even fix anything. I'd be the next YandereDev for sure.
I also organized my bookmarks on Chrome. My desktop feels a lot cleaner now.
Before going to sleep, I read Corduroy by Don Freeman as a bedtime story.