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January 31, 2024

I'm trying my best to make my days distinguishable from all others. I'll write about something new. I'll look up at the same constant sky and notice how the clouds are never the same. The formation and dissipation of clouds will always be continual; if needed, I'll document each new one. I cannot do this right now. My body is once again resisting leaving the bed. But I have school, so I had no choice but to get up. I grabbed a cookie from the kitchen before leaving the house. Nothing worth noting happened in school. I got home and helped my baby brother with math. Personally, I have never struggled in math, at least not in my early studies. I learned a few songs on the piano before calling it a day.

January 30, 2024

We had a surprise quiz and were given 10 minutes to study 2 chapters' worth of our book. I did well. I think I got a perfect score. The teacher we had in that class also slipped up and told me that a little bird is crushing on me. The person’s personal information was not disclosed. Our next class was philosophy, and the teacher was too out of it to teach, so he told us that he didn't have the voice for teaching and we could have free time. That’s cool. One of my classmates complimented the necklace I always wear only for me to say, “thanks, the other half of it is with my ex”. I don’t think I'll ever have it in me to take this off. During lunchtime, I made a list with Ria. We’re calling it the Aria 21 Thing To Do Before Graduation. I have so many great date ideas. At the top of my list, I want a science project date. Like the experiment kits for children. That or build a robot, but I doubt anyone would even be interested or have the skill set for that. Recently, I’ve been shopping for a lot of robot parts. I have so much free time now that I’m getting pretty overwhelmed with which hobby to pick up again. The last class we had was PE, and we did a bunch of recreational activities. Most included blindfolds, and it was actually pretty fun. In the last game, we played dodgeball. Our team was definitely rigged. In the first round, we were the ones throwing the ball. We had a system. I was kind of bad at it, so I was just passing the ball to my teammates. During the second part, where we had to be the ones dodging, we were way too OP. We had a goalkeeper in our group. He was catching the balls thrown one after the other that we ended up with infinite lives. Skylar was also good at catching the ball. Midway through the game, we were playing volleyball with the balls thrown because that’s how many lifesavers Skylar and the goalkeeper dude got for our group. The thing is, nobody was even hitting me. The audience was shouting like "hit Cy", but no one ever did. I think that was just favoritism. Everyone likes me again, and my grades are back up. There’s nothing threatening my academics, and I feel very light. I’m doing pretty well today. When we were dismissed, I picked my baby brother up from kindergarten and walked with him across the street to our car. We had takeout food, then I passed out as usual. Around 2 AM, I worked on a quick script for yet another presentation tomorrow.
I am incredibly depressed. My whole Gracie Abrams unreleased playlist is gone. All the podcasts are wiped from the face of Spotify. How am I gonna live now?

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January 29, 2024

I didn't get any sleep last night because I was crying again. How is this so easy for him? I don't understand why I'm hurting this much. I want to understand. I went to school today, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to go back home and mope again. I don't want to do anything else except leave him a gazillion missed calls. I got another perfect score on our Economics test. Who am I supposed to share my accomplishments with now? In our next class, I was asked to write a script for a creative presentation about some quote by Cs Lewis about literature. Our teacher is very meticulous about her distribution of grades, but my group and I did well, and we were one of the few that got a perfect score. I’ve picked myself up, and I’m doing well in my academics again, but I still don’t feel good. I want him to tell me he’s proud of me. It’s like nothing and yet everything has changed all at the same time. When I got home, I taught my baby brother how to do addition. He’s a hard nut to crack. His attention span lasts for 10 seconds max. But the whole teaching part only lasted for a couple of minutes. I bribed him. So that caught his attention. My bribe was yet another sea creature he’s obsessed with. Before I got ready for bed, Wacky broke no contact. I wasn’t the same. I couldn’t talk to him the same way I used to. I’m not comfortable. I want to talk to him, but not the present him. I’ve yet to let my gears run, and this whole situation needs assessing soon. I’m not the busiest this week, which lifts some weight off of me. I’m pretty restless because of the whole (ex) boyfriend situation, so in any task that I do, I tend to get distracted and have a slower rate of completing them. I started reviewing around 11:50 PM for my Financial Management test tomorrow. I finished after like 10 minutes and called it a night. Once all distractions are removed, it hit me that I am getting breadcrumbed. You know, getting little bits of someone so they can keep you attached. It’s probably not his intention to make this harder, but it sure as hell gives that result. I feel pathetic.

January 28, 2024

My room is starting to smell nicer. I feel peaceful. Maybe it’s temporary, but I know I’m making progress. I’ve been sulking for a whole week. I skipped a week of school for being sad and sick at the same time. It took a huge toll on my system. I’m relearning how to respect myself. I’m better than this. I did a total of 4 hours worth of studying today. I spent the whole day studying, but I was mildly distracted. If you don't count the crying I did around 1 am, I actually didn't cry today. It still feels heavy, but I’m managing. I've also been writing in my no-contact journal. It hasn't even been a week, and I'm already halfway through the notebook. I really do have a lot to say. I’ve come up with a couple of conclusions today. They’re not all the best, and some were very hard pills to swallow. I can’t disclose them since they’re quite cynical, but I formulated reasoning that helps me find closure in this situation. I feel sorry for myself. How horrible. It was too early for me to claim that I didn't cry this day. I did right before I went to sleep. But at least I stopped myself from calling him.

January 27, 2024

The first thing I did in the morning was write in my no-contact journal. We (mostly me) have both broken no contact every day since we agreed to do it. It’s hard. You rejected my attempt to get back together with you. I sound so pathetic. It’s okay; I’ll only be this way for a while. One of these days, I won't have to beg anymore. I promise. I went through all kinds of sadness and grieving today. I cried harder when I asked him to block me. I cried more when I found a way to contact him, and he suggested we’d stay friends. I was going back and forth. I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve. I’m not thinking right anymore. But despite being in a very depressing state the whole day, I still managed to write my overdue blog entries, write Sirko the letter I’ve been meaning to write (which I gently placed in an envelope and wax-sealed with a stamp), and finish a paper I had to do for school. Attempting to sleep was hard. I was very consciously still waiting for him. I rang his phone a couple of times, but they went unanswered. I don’t know how else I’d describe this feeling, but I know for a fact that this is the most pathetic I’ve been. I’ll try my best to make this the last time.

January 26, 2024

I’ve been waking up earlier than usual. Probably a bit too early considering my odd tendency to stay up late every night. I have to go to the hospital today for a health check. As you may already know, I have been physically exhausted for the whole month. The night that exhaustion was given time for rest, I was met with unforeseeable circumstances that led me to the lowest point I've been in my entire life (maybe not my whole life). I got the flu shortly after my breakdown. I had to ask for a doctor’s note too since I’ve skipped a week’s worth of school. After that, I went home and just hung out with my baby brother. We’ve been spending a lot more time together since I’ve been staying home. Around lunchtime, I had to continue my hair appointment from yesterday. I’m dyeing half of my hair blue, the bottom half of it. I am turning into a manic pixie dream girl. It took more or less about 3 hours. The bleach burned, which was already expected. They asked me questions about previous box dye attempts, but I honestly don't remember anymore. I know I’ve tried it, but I’m not sure which year or if it had even grown out already. The results of the dye were very subtle. I’ll wait for it to lighten. It’s actually reasonable knowing it’s not exactly allowed in our school dress code. When I got home, I took a couple of pictures and then took a half-shower. I did a few of my blogs and fell asleep. I wanted to call the guy I’m supposed to be on no contact with, but he was already asleep. I’ll move on eventually. Just not now. I don’t think I can just yet.

January 25, 2024

I hate that I’m right when for once, I want to be proven wrong. Please tell me I made a mistake. Please tell me I’m predicting incorrectly. I hate that I intellectualize everything. I hate that I’m letting statistics and psychology win. I’m still a bit weak from the flu. I’m recovering well enough. I watched more Assassination Classroom, and it still never fails to keep my mind entertained. I read a few poems and daydreamed. I’m getting a haircut today. A big chop. I wanna dye it blue too. I’m not having an episode; I’m just trying to make myself feel better again. I’m finding my autonomy. My sense of self. So I booked an appointment. To pass the time, I followed my mom around the mall while she shopped. At times, I’d get too weak and just rest in some corner, then I’d go back to asking her weird questions again. I walked past Pancake House today. My eyes watered when I saw where we used to sit. I ate with my parents at the place he met my parents too. I looked for books too since books have always been where I found my comfort, and before I knew it, my long hair was cut short. I love it though. It looks good on me. And I’m saying this coming from someone who has had tons of bad haircuts before. Sadly, the salon was already closing down, so I had to wait until tomorrow so I can get it dyed.

January 24, 2024

I am on an early morning call with Sirko. We are catching up with our recent lives. Mine has been depressing so far, but she’s back to being happy again, and I am so glad. There are a lot of tests I’ve been missing. I need to actually study for them before I get back on my feet for school next week. I’ll leave that for future me. I talked to Brie again after a while. I think I had just reunlocked my character. I lost it for a second. I lost me for a second. The last time I talked to people, I was on the brink of collapsing. It was an honest hard time. I couldn’t really control how my words and actions seemed. I was no longer me. I mean, I was me but a depressed version. Like an even more depressed, 'it’s not funny' way. Right Where You Left Me has never failed to make me cry. I’ve been crying a lot more these past few days. It’s pretty sad, but it’s the only comfort I can get these days. I like its nature. My tears are keeping me company. At times like these, I really wish I had someone.

January 23, 2024

I have the flu. Safe to assume that the flu shots I’ve been taking almost yearly are not all that effective. My body is on the brink of collapsing. I need to be mindful of my limits. Or maybe I was; the heartbreak probably contributed enough to completely break me down. No, like scientifically, you do become weaker after a breakup. Today’s rotation circulated around sleeping and watching episodes of Assassination Classroom. I didn’t move a single muscle from the couch I resided on. My mom has been taking care of me, and I really appreciate it. She made me one of my favorites of hers, an egg sandwich. As I was doing some blog entries, she gave me another batch of food. I got strawberries! It’s been a while, but I finally got to catch up with Sirko on some recent events in our lives. My baby brother came home from school to tell me a story about how he saved a kid from a bully above his grade level. Apparently he saw some kid on the ground and started threatening the bully. Even as he left, he was throwing threats. I am trying to compensate for your absence. Do you notice it when I’m not around? I read a book that had a poem. I feel very empty. The poem is making me believe that I’ll never live through this.

January 22, 2024

Good morning. I woke up about an hour ago. It is currently 7 AM. My whole entire body feels heavy and stiff. My muscles feel very sore. I came across one of my favorite YouTubers that I haven't seen in a while. She helped me re-question my principles. About a little more than a month ago, I told Sirko that I knew I was cutting people off not for the sake of finding my peace, but just to cut them off. Am I avoiding all responsibilities? I have always been good in terms of knowing my boundaries. But at this point, I know I’m being unnecessarily excessive. I came across a snippet of one of Lana Blakely’s recent videos. I’m not sure if I’ve already mentioned her in my blog entries, but she has always been like the older sister I never had, a YouTuber I instinctively go to when I’m in need of some general advice. I haven’t been watching her videos as often as I used to, but whenever I do, she always kind of just brings me back to the ground. She mentioned that, and I quote, “Low-maintenance friends will turn into acquaintances.” I am in frequent contact with only a very limited number of people. I understand how busy and overwhelming life can get, and for quite some time, it’s been quite normal for me to take even more than 5 business days to reply. In turn, I don’t mind it when people take their time before replying to me. I guess that only applies to a certain amount of time. Again, I’ve been excessive recently. I thought that I could put the whole contact thing on hold as how I put in hold my favorite things for when I’m in the right and proper head space. I usually take my time with the things I love. But I guess it’s quite individualistic. Although I am on mutual terms with my friends on our frequency of contact, I feel like I should start making time for them instead of waiting for my time to be vacant. I feel like low-maintenance friendships could work online-wise, only if you already spend time with them on the daily. If that makes sense. Still, this does not diminish my system of prioritization. I guess it varies per person. Because with Sirko, I for sure will reply within the day. I use my phone every day after all. Possibly, without even realizing it, the people I once considered friends have gradually become acquaintances. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that; after all, I firmly believe that connections can be regained over a simple cup of coffee. This belief stems from my own nature; I'll always be a friend, especially to those I've already shared a history of friendship with (unless, of course, there was conflict in between).
My general rule of thumb in getting my life together is having a clear space. I genuinely cannot function without having everything in its proper place. The same way I’m unable to do anything unless I’ve showered. The fatigue I’ve accumulated throughout this entire month has finally caught up to me. My whole entire body is aching. My cytokines are in need of some calming down. I finally finished the first season of Kamonohashi Ron no Kindan Suiri. I can’t wait for the next one. I know the anime’s formula is repetitive and the storyline is pretty basic, but I’m a sucker for any detective shows. I’ve been watching and reading Detective Conan since I could remember.
I finished reading all his letters. I still don't think I have the capacity to turn all those emotions I've cried into words. I wish he meant every word he wrote in his last letter.

January 21, 2024

I started a no-contact notebook. I feel so weak. I feel like I could collapse at even the smallest bit of pressure. I don’t have it in me to write a blog entry for today.
We talked a few times today. Some of which were my fault. Some of which were yours. I can’t help it. I decided to read your letters today. I didn’t want to read it just yet since I’m still sick and I’m trying not to die, but I miss you a lot. As predicted, I cried before I even read the first word yet again. I’m making my condition worse. In your Thursday, October 26, 2023 Part 1 letter, I noticed you dotted your "i" in "I love you" with a heart. I've been crying over every single word written and shed a tear or two (way more) each time I put my hands on the traced silhouette of yours, but I just find this all so sweet. I’m still so incredibly in love with you, and I hope that won’t ever change. I managed to finish more than half of the letters, but it’s getting late, and I have to save my tears for tomorrow.

January 20, 2024

I'm still burning up, and my temperature seems to have no plans of dropping anytime soon. I had my orthodontist appointment today, leaving me even more disoriented. My head hurts so much it might actually combust. They added more chains on one side of my mouth, and god, is that giving me a migraine. To add insult to injury, a canker sore has taken up residence on the opposite side of my mouth, making eating a near-impossible feat. There's an event at school today, and I had to go for this mandatory mass they're having in the evening. I dropped by for a solid second, got my picture, and dipped. I am in so much physical pain; my head is literally in the clouds.
It’s January 20th. A very inevitable day. One that me and Wacky swore to never speak of (we did anyway). Because to utter it would be to jinx it. Right? I hate humidity. I hate how it warps books. I hate how it grows molds. I hate how it crinkles clothes. I hate how it comes after the rain. Today feels humid. My glasses will fog and I'll blame it on humidity. My eyes will blur and I'll blame it on humidity. Every cereal I'll ever eat will sog and I'll blame it on humidity. We broke up, as a natural cause, but even then, I’ll blame it on humidity. Because I can’t blame him. I can never blame him.
We spoke over the phone one last time. You had to hang up. We had to end.
If I could have the same coffee, knowing it's destined to go cold before I finish, I'd take it again without a second thought.

January 19, 2024

I am home alone. The bare walls are consuming my entire existence. The everyday noises are unbearably loud. I am cold but sweating. I am sick. It wasn’t processing in my brain quite yet. I just knew that my eyes were red and puffy from crying for hours until no end yesterday. No, like, literally hours. I can confidently say that it was definitely more than half a day. No pauses, just continuous tears. The first thing I had to do this dreadful morning was to put cold spoons over my eyes. Okay, well, not the first thing. Showers are mandatory, of course. With the spoons on my eyes, I simultaneously was regulating my breathing. Pretty stupid that I don’t know how to breathe anymore. That, and I’m on the way to being completely immobilized. Each and every single one of my body’s systems is slowly failing. And I am witnessing it. I knew what I had to do. I needed to sweat. All my blinds are open, I turned off the AC, and I wrapped myself with so many clothes all the while twisted around layers of blankets. Even then, it was still unbelievably cold. I asked my mom for some hot lemon water. It’s the best ever. She usually makes it for me whenever I’m sick. I’m convinced it has healing properties. My eyes remained closed for the rest of the day. My body needs its overdue apologies.

January 18, 2024

I came to school early again, being the second person at our meetup spot. Today was the day of our performance, so I assumed everyone else would have been here already. I was proven wrong. We only practiced at the very last second of our assigned time since, as it turns out, we did not have enough members to even fix our positioning on the main mats. No one is expecting us to win. To be quite frank, that's our literal legacy, and we have no means of breaking it. We're getting additional grades and a lot of other incentives just by participating in this extracurricular. Very epic. We had our final costume fittings, and we had to make some personally customized adjustments for our headdress. It was so tight. Whenever we wore it, it felt like circulation was getting cut off from our necks and around the circumference of our heads. Time went by quickly. We were in the backrooms trying to compose ourselves. Everyone was working double time. They helped me with other parts of my costume and had me sit on a chair for the face paint portion of preparation. The time came, and finally, we were lined up, just waiting to be called. It took so long. We were all dying (mostly from suffocation). We did the parade, then performed our routines. It went pretty well. There were a lot of mistakes, but who's gonna catch those, honestly. I didn't, though. I don't make mistakes. But I did have a near-death experience. I was so thirsty that I think my throat literally turned into the Sahara desert right when I was doing my stunts. Like mid-throw in the air, I literally lost my voice. So that's fun. I made sure to buy myself a drink after we finished. My baby brother also had his own dance performance. Except his started very early in the morning, and he told me he waited 7 whole hours just to watch me. That's really something considering he is the most impatient child alive. It was so cute. Wacky came to visit. He stressed me out so much. We got caught along with Brie and Bokuto. It didn't end as perfectly as it should've, but I saw him for one last time. I didn't like his haircut and he did not look good. I wish things had turned out differently. I couldn't stay because of my baby brother. I felt bad because I had already made him wait. After we separated, I felt my throat tightening up. I knew I was on the verge of crying. I held a 30-minute conversation with my baby brother until I couldn't anymore. I ran up to my room and cried until the next day. I cried on the floor, cried in the shower, and cried until I fell asleep.

January 17, 2024

I always find myself feeling alone. I am well surrounded by people almost constantly, but my mind is always drifted off to some place I can’t quite locate. Obviously, I know how to get along with people, but only up to that extent. I get pretty good feedback with the people I interact with too. But I guess I just don't exactly align with a lot of people. But then again, I like to believe that any form of connection can be learned. But I refuse to anyway. We’re having our last day of practice today. I was the first to arrive at school. We’re polishing up our dance and trying our best to coordinate with the props team. Honestly, the props team made our entire dance routine a gazillion times harder. They were stumbling, handing out our props late, and seriously just had no respect. They’re a year below us and they were complaining about literally everything. I was part of the props team last year, and I can say for certain that I respected my seniors. Our practice together with them was smooth sailing. Now there’s barely even any respect, much to say that they refused to do their job, called us uncoordinated (when they were the ones tripping over themselves), and were just incredibly hard to deal with altogether. After the day ended, they even filed a report because our literal lead dancer shouted at them. Trust me, it wasn’t bad. And I’ve experienced lots of shouting. Especially back when I used to do cheer. Today was very exhausting. I was breaking out in cold sweats. On top of that, my throat was starting to dry up. I had a genuine hard time breathing. I don’t know why I’m so tired because I usually am pretty active, but today felt like hell. Spoiler alert: My body was hinting at my upcoming sickness that will leave me bedridden for a literal week.

January 16, 2024

I normally obsess over writing every detail from the days I spend with Wacky. But just for this once, I'll trust my memory. Whatever doesn't find its way there will lose itself as the payment of what I owe to time.
I am skipping school because I am going on a date with Wacky for the last time before he moves away to New Zealand. I woke up around 5 AM and got ready. I might have overestimated the time it would take for me to get ready because I was done quickly. I even had multiple sleeping breaks after. I did my hair, makeup, and everything. I ate breakfast too! He picked me up really early, and we went to his house (somewhere far - literally 30 minutes away). He picked me up, and I tried my best to forget he was ever leaving. I was fully present. I made sure. The only person who has had enough of me to break my heart. Not that it mattered because I knew it was coming. He just meant a little more than the heartbreak anticipating us before we even started. We had this constant race to open the passenger's car door. It was funny. I was at his house first before he toured me around his village. He showed a bunch of cool spots. He had stories to accompany them too. He took me out for lunch. He bought us steak and took away my knife because he claimed he sensed blood lust. I made him guess a bunch of words I was mouthing. It was about how much I appreciated him as a person. The sweetest prettiest boy to ever live. We went back, and he mentioned we'd watch the sunset. Initially, he planned to get fries but ended up choosing snacks instead. He drove to the location that would overlook the sunset he knew of. We talked. I would trade all that I've got in my name to experience this with you again. We had dinner at his house. He gave me a folder full of letters. A lot of them. He requested that I open it when I get back home. I'm saving it for a particular date. He wrote a letter for one of our friends in his room while I copied him. I wrote a letter for him too. I wanted to get his attention. It for sure worked. After a while, we went back downstairs to his living room. We watched a movie to occupy the time. I kept myself really, really close because it was probably the last time I'd get to hold him. The ride back home was really quiet. If I had talked at any time, I was so sure my voice would've cracked. I made sure not to fall asleep. We kissed at the back of your car on our way back to Last Kiss. You probably didn't even notice it, but I started crying on the last verse. Ironically, that really was the last kiss we had. Our last hug and last secret handshake too. He dropped me off by my driveway, and he stared even after I had closed the doors. I looked back twice, but he never once took his eyes off of me.

January 15, 2024

Was it really that serious? It was so early in the morning, and I was already met with this guard shouting at me for wearing slides to school. Her face was like beet red mad. From afar, people would’ve suspected that I had committed a crime or something. It’s a good thing that I’m always pretty calm in any given scenario. Since we have our own world, with no teacher supervising or restricting us, our daily practice schedule has been pushed back. Everyone is now well-adjusted to being late that I am, for once, one of the earliest to arrive. We were transferred to a new venue, and it’s actually great because of how slippery the floor is. Well, it wouldn’t be great for the stunt people and most especially the flyers (I am a flyer) because of the higher risk of falling, but it's fun to slide around, and that’s what really matters (it doesn’t). One of the juniors dubbed me the best senior ever. I shouldn't be thinking too much about it, but validation is still validation. The whole day, I borrowed my friend’s iPad and just drew a bunch of Gundam characters. People were requesting more things for me to draw too. My pathological liar friend noticed the attention I got that she stepped in and showed her art, only for me to instinctively press the play for timelapse, and she got exposed for tracing. I am seriously her worst nightmare. I’m not sure if I’ve even ever written about her here, but I don’t really mind writing about her lore now. Her lying goes way back from when we first met (7th grade). It’s okay though; it’s not really hurting anyone, so I’m tolerating it well enough. We had mass today, which I hold almost no recollection of. It was probably disrespectful, but I fully slept the whole time. It was impossible for me to fight off the sleepiness. We had a bit of overtime with our practice, I passed by the same guard I did earlier, and she was still mad, then I met up with Brie because she wanted to give me the socks she’s been wanting to give Wacky. I didn’t go straight home after the long day; I dropped by our other house to literally just sleep some more. I don’t mind getting dragged around. I just want to be left alone because I for sure need some sleep. And the good part about that is that I can sleep almost anywhere.
I’m trying not to think too much about it, but I’m having my last date with Wacky tomorrow. I really, really, really want to see him, but I’m also scared to see him. I don’t want to have all my lasts with the person who gave me all my firsts.
We played Minecraft to spend more time with each other until the day eventually faded into the next. Also, I wish I could see him solve a Rubik's cube in real life. He did it on camera, and I was literally folding. It was so attractive.

January 14, 2024

The world is cruel for making me wake up this early. My test is starting pretty soon, and I don’t really have time for anything else. I have little to no preparation. For a school that’s supposed to be my top pick, I should’ve known to put in a bit more effort. Too late for that now. I should be smart enough. The traffic going there was so bad that I had to leave the car and start walking to the testing site. It was a relief when I heard my name being called from a distance. The person who recognized me and I stuck to each other like two peas in a pod for the entirety of the test. It wasn’t all that bad. After that was over, I memorized a portion of the test and helped another friend who was taking the same test in the afternoon schedule. I am very exhausted. I walked a block to meet up with my mom and my brother at the nearest Starbucks, then my dad picked us up. We had lunch at this place we used to always go to. It’s my parents' favorite restaurant even from way before we existed. My brother and I went down memory lane over some horror stories that were told to us when we were young. We argued over whose version was more accurate. On our car ride back, we talked about the economy, the stock market, and cryptocurrency. My dad told us a few of his stories, and it felt like unlocking a whole new kind of lore. I can’t really disclose any of that information here, but I learned a lot. Sadly, my brother wasn’t exactly coming home with us; he still has college. It’s gonna be a long time before I see him again. Sigh.
I played Roblox with Wacky before going to bed. Super epic.

January 13, 2024

I need to study for yet another college entrance exam that I'm having tomorrow. I am procrastinating. I must be the sleepiest girl in the entire neighborhood. I don’t have the energy in me to even get up. But I had to. Somehow, I managed to successfully force myself to study around 3 PM. Even then, I was going at a very slow and unfocused pace. My drafts are piling up, but I swear I just need a clean schedule, and I'll get right back on track soon.

January 12, 2024

I woke up pretty late. I got ready very efficiently. I somehow caught up to my usual time schedule, except I did skip breakfast, but that's okay. No, not entirely. I had a banana in the car. I went to our practice venue, and we did the usual routine. Warm-ups weren't as bad; my body is hurting a lot less than it was two days ago. We changed venues to where the actual performance is going to be held and fixed the blocking for that. Sadly, I had to leave a little after the new steps were just being taught. I got picked up from school and went straight to get my Korean visa renewed. I fell asleep in the waiting area and even had a full-on dream. I woke up before I knew it, and the process was already done. I shopped with my brother for some new clothes and went to the rooftop restaurant we always eat at. It’s my dad’s favorite. Since I was with my family, a lot of old stories were brought up. One of them being: my suicidal past. Apparently, when I was a child, I had an obsession with putting my forks inside sockets. And in a Titanic stance, I'd jump from the stairs. Once I even tried eating those plastic measuring medicine cups. I was literally on life support. After the early dinner, we had some melonpan. It was the best ever. Whenever I’m with my brother, it’s already a known fact that I always act weird and talk a lot. Today, I was telling him about my new episode. It’s where I explain how I’m God and the audience is in love with me because I'm a constant 4th wall breaker. I basically went on with that argument for the whole entire day non-stop. I mean it when I say non-stop. I fell asleep in the car. My brother really has been the only person making me laugh recently. That’s sad.
I had a triception (triple inception). I haven’t been sleeping well recently. It’s been this whole struggle of having to force my fingers to move just so I can gain back a bit of consciousness throughout my whole body. Day after day, I’m convinced I’ve been having sleep paralysis. Like genuinely paralyzed. I have trouble waking up when I know that I’m already fully awake. But the triple inception I just had is probably the scariest I’ve woken up to yet.

January 11, 2024

I have practice again. I wore pajamas to school because of Senioritis. I dropped off my baby brother at his room, then went to my building. I went up to the 7th floor where our practice venue was located and rehearsed the dance we've already learned so far. We had warm-ups. I made a new friend actually. Someone who I used to hate but is now actually pretty bearable. I remember I hated his guts because he was so noisy during exams.
The practice went pretty well. I was a flyer once again. I did get into a bit of conflict with a friend who has this secret animosity towards me. Sirko has always sworn that girl has been praying for my downfall for as long as she has observed. I wasn't in my best condition, and I couldn't get a lot of the stuff that was taught. I am admittedly out of sorts today.
I do have a date with Wacky, so I only attended half of our rehearsals. He waited for me in the scorching heat for probably like an hour because we were dismissed late. The thing about our strand is that it’s not handled by a teacher. As I've explained in my previous entries, other strands are assisted by a teacher, but we're all on our own. So our rules are pretty bent, and we had no choice but to accept our fates. I did give him ice cold water, but that did not lessen how bad I felt. I'm still so sorry. After that, Wacky walked me to the mall near our school, and we ate my usual craving (carbonara). We talked about the most useless stuff and were doing the most in public. Can you blame us? We're teenagers in love. I had biscoff too. We were playing around, teasing, and tickling each other. I know, in public? We then found ourselves in the Lego store. We made ourselves minifigures. I made him look like a robber cop, and he actually made me… I'd feel bad, but mine was funny. Then, for the third figure, we made Anakin. Or at least it was close enough.
Then we walked to the park space thing and sat at the benches we used to stay at during our first early dates. It was very casual. I told him some recent things happening and all that. Except he got really depressed midway. Context, it’s our last real date before our last last date. Yup, it’s all gonna be over soon. It’s healthy, I swear. Then he got himself some fries. I’ll miss this a lot. We looked for a handicap bathroom around because of reasons. And you know, things. We ranked this time as the 2nd riskiest and 2nd favorite. We sat back down after he got himself some food at the tables outside. After that, we made a Lego cinematography video thing. Oh, and I also gave him his birthday gift. It was a toy excavator and an annotated book (Mary Oliver's Felicity). I didn't let him look at the book until after I left. We hugged, kissed, and dapped each other up before we left. A few moments later, he sent me a picture of himself crying. He's crying over a piece of paper. Which also made his parents cry. Does that make me horrible? I actually didn't expect him to read it on the day I gave it. I figured he'd keep it stored away, never to touch it, but I guess I'm underestimating his obsession. He sent me a full unlisted video of him sobbing within like the first 30 seconds of opening the book. Apparently, flipping through the pages quickly was enough to make him cry. The sobbing got a lot more violent, and he cried until we played Roblox and fell asleep talking. I genuinely thought I was dreaming halfway, that I was conversing with him, but I was actually talking to Dream Wacky.

January 10, 2024

I am late again. It’s a bad habit, but it’s really not that deep. I understand my classes well, and our practice hours don't start until an hour later because the person teaching our choreo is also always late. I was going to school with my baby brother, so I wasn't that late; I still had to drop him off at his classroom. I had some packed bread with me, which I ate to get some energy in my system during one of our short breaks. We polished more steps, learned more choreography, and in one instance, I remember falling flat asleep on the floor during one of the formations. They took a bit too long discussing it, and I am under a lot of sleep debt. I ate tonkatsu for lunch. I don't eat lunch too often, and I swear the prices have changed from when I first started studying in this school. I was writing on my phone the whole day. Like the whole entire day. I wouldn't usually use that approach, but I am running out of time. After practice hours, I went to the mall and originally wanted biscoff, but they were out of it. Then I asked for chai - which they were also out of. I resorted to butterbeer, and it wasn't actually that bad. My mom got me fries too. I got home and slept for a very long time in the after-school sofa spot. Then I used my remaining time to fix myself up, have an everything shower, and write some more.

January 09, 2024

I feel a bit less sick now. Wacky promised he'd call me in the morning before school, so I was pretty restless after 6, expecting his call. We did call for a bit, but I was about to leave for school, so we only had like a literally minute-long phone call. I have been dress-coded for every single category of clothing. Today’s a new one. I’m not even wearing anything bad. I just had pajamas and slippers on. We had practice again, moved to a different practice location (our favorite one), and did karaoke until the other members were back. I went to one class because we were meeting a new teacher. It's for philosophy. I really just wanted to make a good impression. I answered one of his questions and quoted a philosopher. I should do well this year. I’m actually getting along with everyone. I don't necessarily have a certain person to go to, which kind of makes me feel alone, but I'm also conversing well in group settings. We went overtime on practice hours, but it was fine. I picked up my card from the bank on the way home. Also bought something else. When I got home, I routinely passed out. My thighs are hurting. It’s actually bad. I called Wacky and just talked about our day. He was composing a new song, so I watched him do that too. At some point, he was looking for spy cameras he could buy. And of course, the day wouldn't end without someone crying. He cried because tomorrow marks the last 10 days until he leaves.

January 08, 2024

It’s Wacky’s birthday! I can't figure out when, but at some point, he became a constant. Tracing how that even happened feels so impractical and overly complicated. It must've happened through a Rube Goldberg machine. Each lever, wheel, axle, pulley, and screw (why am I listing this out) led me to this. I don't think it's necessary for me to pinpoint when, but still. I've always loved the process itself of how contraptions worked in complex ways just to achieve something so simple. If the time comes when you think no one remembers your birthday, trust me, I will.
My autoimmune system is having a full-scale rebellion against me. I am sick. I have practice today, and I can’t really miss out on attendance since I am almost reaching my limit of absences for the month. I brought some tissue paper with me, and I just plan on moping on the floor when I get to our practice location. I dropped my baby brother off first thing in the morning and got another call out for violating the dress code. My friend gave me chocolates that I couldn’t eat because I was dying. I followed through with my plan of just sleeping through the day. I did learn the choreography and participated in some, but they were understanding, so I was fine. Before we were dismissed, some dude with whole camera equipment decided they’d film us. Everyone choked. There was one who literally tripped in front of the camera. It was funny.

January 07, 2024

I might be bedridden. I don’t want to move. But I am forced to. I’m dragging my feet and trying my best. It’s that time of the month again, and on top of that, I’m sick. We went to the mall because I had to have my Korean visa picture taken. I guess it wouldn't be too bad to get my body moving. I figured I could drop by the bookstore while I was at it anyway. So, my brother, my dad, and I got our pictures taken. My brother and dad had to buy polo shirts because apparently, the color they had on wasn't allowed. Then we ate for a bit while waiting for the pictures to be developed. We picked up the photos after waiting, and of course, I got the book I wanted on the way home. I was doing my usual brain vomit session with my brother until I received the best response ever in return. I can't even be offended. He said, “skip.” I am so stealing that from him. You know, like when video game characters have those long monologues, and then you just spam the skip button? Exactly. Genius. I hate to admit this, but recently my brother has been the only one making me laugh seriously. He’s not even home often.
I got to play Roblox with Wacky for a bit. That made my night.

January 06, 2024

Wacky's parents invited me for their anniversary lunch. His whole family is literally going to be there. I’m totally exaggerating, but it's still really scary. It was at this fancy restaurant and the dress code was smart casual. I have worn smart casual outfits on many different occasions. I have plenty of clothes to choose from. I literally had a formal clothing phase. But still, somehow, I have nothing to wear. I mean, I didn't want to underdress, overdress, seem like I was trying too much, or not trying at all. It’s very complicated. I consulted Sirko for some help early in the morning. As I’ve been bothering her for like 2 days now, I had to settle on a decision. I eventually did it. I put on my makeup and it wasn’t so bad. He picked me up. My dad and baby brother greeted him at my door too. He had his driver, grandmother, brother, and cousin with him. I love his cousin; she’s so pretty. It went moderately well since he had already introduced me to them previously. Okay, honestly, the day went so smoothly. We got to the venue, and his parents were already there. I greeted them. I probably should've said a bit more, but I am terrible at conversations now. I thought I was good before, but now I’ve lost it, and I’m too scared to mess anything up, so I’m hoping I was nice enough for them. Wacky excused us before the rest of his family came so we could walk around since the place was pretty. We did. We came across the other guests, so he was able to formally introduce me as his girlfriend individually. That definitely helped in calming down my nerves. One of them was even surprised that he had a girlfriend since, in a usual family setting, everyone disregards growth in children. Okay, I might've worded that a bit wrong, but as an example, I refuse to believe that my baby brother is growing up because he’s literally my baby brother. The thing about me is that I’ve read way too many researches and books on psychology that things seem scary sometimes. It’s when you know a bit more and still know less than ever. I was scared that people might hate me for making the youngest guy of the family grow up. It’s not directly my responsibility, but some people are genetically wired to think that way. Okay, yeah, maybe I do read too much into everything. But everything went so well. I got to talk a lot even. I was socializing with his cousin (I’ll name her Alice from now on since I might have to introduce his other cousins). She literally asked if I could split that one mushroom meal with her. That's so awesome. She recommended other food that went around the lazy Susan - the biggest one I've seen. Wacky was so perfect the entire time. I know I tell him off a lot with how often he force-feeds me, but it's actually cute. I mean, I actually really do need to eat. I'm happy he cares. He was the one putting food on my plate, and I'll always consider it the sweetest gesture ever. I’m part of at least one of his family pictures now. I definitely did something right. Eventually, we reached the dessert portion of the meal and stepped away to the bathroom for a while. Upon returning, we found that everyone was already leaving, so that went well. Also, for some additional information, every time we excused ourselves, he'd pull me to the side in that one spot behind the elevator that was never used. We'd end up making out. Isn't that so cute? Very teenager. I mean, it’s not like I'm not one anyway. Before the whole thing ended, I managed to meet everyone, say hi and bye, actually (small) talk with like 2 of his cousins our age, excluding Alice, and survive the afternoon. If ever my biggest fear does come true of them hating me, it’s outside of my control. I’m okay. We went back to his car, and we were dropped off at the mall in my city. He lives far, so I always feel bad. We continued our day and went on our own date since we have pretty limited time together now that he’s moving soon and all that. I did get my period, so I asked him to look for sanitary pads with me. It was a whole mission I did not wish to put him on. I am so sorry. But I think it’s cute that he’s my literal boyfriend and he’s okay with dealing with this stuff. We finished that errand and ended up transferring to another mall because we had some plans to… not watch a movie. We wanted to buy fries, but it was out, so we looked for an alternative. We picked up a few things in the grocery store, then sat at the donut shop until we parted ways.

January 05, 2024

My whole body hurts. We had practice. I was on call with Wacky for some parts of the day. I’ve been feeling so lonely recently. I space out a lot and feel like I’m falling behind.

January 04, 2024

Starting the school an hour late again. I will not be changing. Everybody else should though. I’m gonna be having cheer dance rehearsals starting from this day on until January 18th. I’m not gonna be using my brain for a while. That’s awesome. In addition to being late, I also forgot my ID and violated the dress code. So I got told off, big deal. I should be fine. The 8-hour time allotted for our practice wasn’t efficiently used. For the most part, we were sitting down. I even got to sleep for at least 2 hours straight, and it was all just getting called to formation to do nothing for about 5 minutes until everybody just decides to sit down and go on their owns. It was a whole cycle of that. Turns out, our cheerleader (also the teacher assigned to do our choreography) had nothing planned. I had like 2 of my friends helping her out, and at first, we were all confused because to us, it seemed like he was literally bossing the teacher around. We did not know that our teacher was kind of incompetent (no offense). When I got home, I showered immediately and decided to take a nap. I took a bunch of them in different places. I feel kind of sick. Hopefully, it doesn't get any worse.
Some Wacky updates for today included a lot of people telling me they were jealous. They all called him very handsome too. Whenever we hang out, he does these vlog things and calls everyone his Wacksters. Apparently, my viewers are actually eating that up. More than a handful of people approached me and claimed they were Wacksters. I have no idea why they even watch. I can’t lie, he’s like really cute. But can we all agree that I literally saw him first?

January 03, 2024

I wish I had overalls on right now. I miss painting. Overalls look especially great when you’re painting. I woke up and did not hesitate to immediately resume painting. I did kind of mess it up at the start, but I eventually fixed it. What I love most about oil paint is that you can layer it by a lot. You can cover up mistakes easily, and I’m a big fan of mediums that are forgiving. We were going back home. I’ve been so tired, and I just want the comfort of my bed that my body is already accustomed to. We had some drive-thru for breakfast and ate it at home. I showered and everything too. I watched Initial D, I ate some more, then went to my room and lived in my own little ecosystem. I might’ve just resurrected the artist in me. I’m not saying that in a pretentious way because I’ve always been a prodigy in drawing. I always tell people I just have the eye for things and good hands to coordinate with it. I usually stop drawing for months after I draw like 2-3 pieces. I wish I could make stylized drawings. While I’m great at everything else, it was impossible for me to settle. So I just never did. See, that doesn’t even just apply to drawing. I still occasionally draw on scratch papers, the back of my school notebooks, or whenever I’m on a phone call with someone and I start scribbling on a post-it. But that has been the extent of it in recent years. Obviously, for me to own almost every medium, it must have been a huge hobby before. It was. But I don’t have time for it now. One of my favorites of today’s sketches is my portrait of a scene from Gilmore Girl of Dave Rygalski and Lane Kim. Wacky promised yesterday that he’d watch my favorite Studio Ghibli Film with me. He did. We watched Whisper of The Heart. It never gets old. I still love it every time. It’s the cutest film ever. Especially the classroom scene. I can watch that a gazillion times and still love it each time.

January 02, 2024

I packed my things and went to our farmhouse. It’s literally my favorite place ever. A lot of the construction is almost done, and it’s just the prettiest thing ever. I reunited with my favorite dog, and he’s so much bigger now. I wish I could sneak him into the car and take him home with me. They’re well taken care of here, though. It’s sad, but I only see them a few times every month or two. I’d normally wear headphones to block out the noise (indiscriminately loud or silent) of everything around me, but today I don't seem to mind it. The draft of the wind is deafening, and each and every one of my steps echoes through the walls of our house, but I like it that way.
I fabricated a treasure hunt for my baby brother. He had an unopened treasure box, and I thought it would be fun if I gave him the full experience. I set up the location of the X mark, buried his chest (in pillows), and drew a very detailed and elaborate treasure map. He enjoyed playing the game so much that he played it multiple times despite knowing the exact location of the treasure. He made sure that everyone tried it out too. It’s so cute. I’m glad he appreciated it.
After a while, I organized my bookshelves. I found the first book I ever bought from one of our school fairs. It had a raccoon as the cover page, and growing up, I’ve always had this weird obsession with them. Not long after that, I decided to bring out my oil painting supplies and laid out my makeshift workstation. The concept I had decided on for today’s canvas is “right where you left me”. Like any other tortured, starving artist, I had forgotten about everything around me and painted until I found satisfaction. I have never found satisfaction in my art. I’ve only ever been forced to call it finished. Everything blurred into a single blink, and I had lost track of time already. When everything went quiet, I knew that I had to start cleaning up. In the end, I didn’t sleep in my room but instead downstairs in the common area with my brother who also shares the same amount of courage that I do. That courage is non-existent, by the way.

January 01, 2024

Happy New Year.
I’m not really looking forward to anything this year. In fact, I am starting to loathe time more as it passes by, but I’ll get through it. I don’t have any New Year’s resolutions, but I do wish this year can lend me some kindness and take care of me, even if only slightly. Some plot armor, if you will. I’m fine with breaking down; I just need to survive, even at the most impossible times.
I might have just rediscovered Gracie's first album "minor" in a much more personal sense — something that aligns with Gracie's fullest and most original intention. I thought I had already understood it before, but God, was I wrong. You think you understand something until you actually experience it and realize that everything you knew was so shallow. I'm starting the new year with Gracie Abrams. I love her.
I went to the cinema with my baby brother to watch Aquaman. It was his first time watching something in 3D, if you don’t count the rides from Universal and Disneyland. I remember when that used to be revolutionary. Step Up 3D just came out too. Good times. We were actually running pretty late. Not exactly late to the movie, but we had very limited time to buy food. The queue was so long everywhere. I did manage to buy popcorn and some chicken poppers with fries. I bought clothes from the kids' section afterward, got takeout food from Popeyes, then went home. I wanted to read my "dear future me" letters with Wacky, but we were both too sleepy. Maybe some other time. I deleted a couple of Instagram accounts and my TikTok. Not gonna lie, I don't think this whole cutting off thing is healthy anymore. I've been feeling more alone recently, and I think this whole idea of having fewer friends I used to have is becoming too extreme; I'm losing ties unnecessarily with people who actually care about me. I hate that I'm self-aware. I hate that I can only pinpoint my faults. I hate that I only know less than enough to actually fix my problems. Pretty stupid if you ask me. I’ll see this through.